As a Friend  

"As a Friend" 

Pairings: Fraser/Vecchio 
Ratings: PG-13 for m/m themes. 
Spoilers: Tiny ones for "Burning Down the House", maybe. 
Disclaimer: Alliance owns dueSouth and its characters. This is fanfic. No
profit, no problem, eh? 
Summary: Fraser comes out at last. Set between "Flashback" and "Burning
Down the House". 
Feedback: Yes! All kinds except flames welcome. 
Comments to SandSteinr@aol.com 

"As a Friend" by Sandy Steiner	

 

///"I never hated you, Ray. Envied you, maybe. You have a freedom that I
wish I had./// 

 

***** 

 

"Ray, could I possibly talk to you for a while?" 

Ray wiped his mouth and set down his napkin. The dinner his Ma had
insisted he and Benny eat had tasted as good as always, even four hours
late. "Sure, Benny. Talk away." 

"In private?" 

Ray frowned at his partner. The Mountie obviously had something on his
mind. Benny didn't get that pensive look for nothing. "This doesn't have
anything to do with my sister, does it?" 

"I don't believe so." 

Ray raised his voice enough to carry into the Vecchio's living room. "Ma!
Benny and me are going for a walk. Don't wait up!" 

"All right, caro," came the sound of his mother's voice, over the tv
movie-of-the-week. "Be sure to take your coat, it's chilly out." 

"Yeah, Ma!" Ray got up from the table and dutifully grabbed his coat. He
threw Benny his navy peacoat and waited until he'd pulled it on. "You
ready? Let's head over to the park." 

"Yes, Ray. Dief!" 

Lying on the kitchen floor in a post-lasagna haze, Dief merely grumbled,
not even bothering to lift his head. 

Fraser pursed his lips together in disapproval. "Fine. Have it your way." 

Ray grinned at the interaction and led the way out the door. 

The night was unseasonably cold for late spring, almost cold enough to
make Ray's breath condense into little white plumes. He stuffed his hands
in his pockets and strolled toward the park, Benny following along beside.
After a block and a half, Ray asked, "So, Benny. What's on your mind?" 

Fraser was slow to answer, and when he did, it was with a question. "Ray,
are you my friend?" 

Ray turned his head to look at his partner. Benny had his head down,
watching his toes mark pace on the sidewalk. "What kind of a question is
that?" 

"Are you my friend?" 

"Yeah, sure. I'm your friend, Benny." 

"Would you consider us close friends, Ray?" 

Ray stopped and faced Fraser. "Benny, what is this? You're not gonna get
mushy on me here, are you?" 

Fraser met his gaze, and his eyes were dark and very serious. "You once
accused me of being a robot. I know you've wondered if I was human. How
can I talk to you, as one human being to another, when you won't even
admit that we're close friends?" 

Ray threw up his hands, then patted Benny on the shoulders. "Ah, jeez.
Okay. I'm sorry. You're my friend. My close friend. There, I said it. Are
you happy now?" 

But Benny just flicked his thumbnail across his eyebrow and kept walking.
Ray jumped to catch up, and fell into step beside him. "C'mon, Benny. You
gonna talk to me, here?" 

Fraser didn't reply. Sometimes the Mountie really could be the most
irritating man on Earth. Benny had wanted to talk to *him*, had dragged
Ray all the way out here, and now he was shut up tighter than a clam. Ray
sighed, and let Benny keep quiet for a few more minutes. By the time
they'd reached the park he'd had enough, and stopped Fraser with a tug on
his coat sleeve. 

"Fraser --" Ray stopped and started again, forcing his voice to be gentle.
"Benny, you can talk to me. I'm sorry for getting jumpy back there, all
right? Whatever it is, you can tell me." He moved his hand down and
squeezed Benny's forearm. 

Fraser looked at his hand on his arm for a long second, then licked his
lips. "Ray, I'm afraid I have a confession to make." 

Ray remembered the last time Fraser had said those words to him. His
stomach sank. "You're sure this doesn't have anything to do with Frannie?"


Benny shook his head. "No, Ray. Although -- although it does concern a
matter of the heart." 

"Okay, then shoot." 

"Ray," Benny started, then he laced his fingers together and stared down
at them, chin buried in his chest. Obviously he was searching for the
courage to say whatever he had to say. "Ray --" He broke off a second
time. 

Ray squeezed the arm under his hand a little. "C'mon, Benny," he urged in
his gentlest voice yet. His tone must have helped, because Benny swung his
head up, faced him squarely, and blurted: 

"Ray, I have reason to believe that I'm gay." 

Ray drew his hand back. "What?" 

"I'm gay." 

Ray blinked. Then he laughed out loud. "No way! There's no way that you're
gay, Fraser! I've seen the way you and the Dragon Lady make eyes at each
other. You are not gay." 

Fraser seemed to find his assertion upsetting. The Mountie set his jaw and
stood a little straighter, as close to anger as Ray had ever seen him. He
snapped, actually snapped: "All right, I suppose technically the term
would be bisexual. But regardless of the terminology, the point is that I
find men sexually attractive!" 

Ray blinked again. He couldn't quite believe Fraser would admit to finding
anyone 'sexually attractive', let alone other men. Ray sank down on a
nearby park bench, resting his elbows on his knees. It couldn't be true.
It couldn't. Not Benny. After a moment's hesitation, Fraser sat next to
him. The Chicago night crept along in silence while Ray simply sat and
tried to cope with this change in his friend. 

"You really are gay?" 

"Yes, Ray." Immediate, sure, and blunt as a two-by-four. 

Benny was gay. Oh, God. Ray rubbed at his face with one long hand. "Okay.
I... I guess I can handle that." And he could, for Fraser's sake. Somehow.


But Fraser didn't look any happier. "There's more." 

More? What more could Fraser possibly have to say, after telling him he
was gay? Ray gestured for him to go on. 

"Ray..." Fraser looked down at his linked hands, just as he had minutes
before. Somehow, Ray got the odd sense that he was praying. "Ray, I love
you." 

Something short-circuited in Ray Vecchio's mind. He stared at the Mountie,
and knew his eyes were as round as saucers. He repeated Fraser's words
back to him. "You love me. You love me?" 

"Yes, Ray." 

This wasn't happening. "You love me like a brother, right?" 

"Well, yes. I suppose I do feel a somewhat fraternal connection to you at
times." 

"And like a friend. You love me like a friend?" 

"Yes, Ray, I do love you as a friend as well." But Fraser wouldn't let him
get away that easy. "I love you as a friend and a brother, Ray," he said.
"But I also love you in... other ways." Fraser glanced up at him, and then
slowly met his eyes. 

"Jesus!" Ray leaped up from the park bench, needing to get away from the
warmth he saw in Fraser's eyes. "Jesus Christ!" 

This was sick. It was twisted. Fraser wanted to do... things to him.
Fraser probably wanted to kiss him. Ray paced back and forth on the gravel
path, his hands flying through the air like birds with nowhere to land.
His mouth was running and he had no idea what he was saying. 

It was too much. Fraser being gay, that he could cope with. But Fraser
wanting to be gay with *him*... that was disgusting. Ray continued to
curse, not noticing when he lapsed into Italian. Nor did he notice when
Fraser's head dropped in despair, or the way the Mountie hunched into
himself as Ray's voice grew ever more strident. 

Finally Ray began to run down. He stopped in front of Fraser. "Why did you
do this to me, Fraser? Why did you tell me this? Why?!" 

"I needed to, Ray." 

That tiny, forlorn voice caught Ray's attention and he looked, really
looked, at his friend. "Oh, God." 

Everything inside Ray came to a screeching halt. Fraser's eyes were shut
tight, his chin tucked firmly against his chest. He had his arms wrapped
around himself as if he could hold himself together, and his face was gray
and etched with pain. Ray had never seen Benny look so miserable, not even
after Victoria. Without a single thought the detective crouched down and
grabbed Fraser's hands. 

"Benny. Benny, I'm sorry." 

Fraser swallowed, thickly, not opening his eyes. "I'm sorry, too, Ray." 

"Don't be," Ray said quickly. "Don't ever be sorry for loving someone." 

Fraser's eyes shot open, and he raised his head a little. Ray shook his
head slightly, forestalling the hope he saw rising in those slate blue
eyes, feeling like a heel. "I *am* sorry, Benny. I'm just not that way,
you know? I do love you, as a friend, maybe even a brother. But I'm just
not attracted to guys. And even if I was, the Church says it's wrong." 

Fraser shot him a laser-sharp glance, attempting to withdraw his hands
from Ray's grasp. "If you were in love with me, would you let that stop
you?" 

Ray didn't let him go. "Seriously? No. I don't think so. Not if I was
really in love with you. I mean, the Church is important to me, but I'm
not nuts about it, like Ma." 

"I... suppose that's good." Benny tugged on Ray's hands again, trying to
free himself, and this time Ray released him. Benny used a finger to
loosen his collar, scrape over his eyebrow, and then finally both hands
came up and scrubbed at his face as if he were trying to erase the last
five minutes of his life. 

That was a desire Ray could sympathize with. 

At last Benny dropped his hands to his lap. To an outside observer he
looked calm and composed, but Ray knew better. Fraser confirmed it by
saying, "I... I hope this hasn't damaged our friendship, Ray." 

Ray felt saddened now, himself. The best he could do was tell Benny the
truth. "I hope so too, Benny. But I can't promise you it won't. I think
you should know that." 

"I appreciate your honesty. Thank you for that, at least." Fraser sighed,
and he sounded tired, and about a million years old. 

Ray almost reached out to pat him, but he drew back. He didn't want to
give Benny the wrong idea. He really wasn't gay. Touching Benny would just
remind him of what he could never have. 

"Hey, it's not the end of the world," Ray said instead. He knew everybody
said that, but he had to do something. "You'll find somebody else, Benny.
Just give it some time." 

But Fraser just gave the tiniest shake of his head, his heart in his eyes.
Ray read the loneliness there and felt his chest ache. He wished, he
really wished, that he could be what Benny needed, that he could give
Benny the kind of love he wanted. But he couldn't. It just wasn't in him
to love another man, not like that. 

"I know you're probably feeling pretty torn up right now. You just need
some time to get over it, you know?" 

Benny tilted his head to one side, in that way he had. "Perhaps." 

"No 'perhaps' about it. Trust me on this one, Benny. Look," Ray offered
suddenly. "Why don't you ask the Dragon Lady for some time off? You can go
up North, commune with nature a little bit, maybe chase a few Canadian
bad-guys for a change. It'll do you good to go back home for a while, and
when you come back, everything will be like it was. You can irritate me,
and I can insult you, and we'll both be happy. All right?" Ray grinned. 

Benny mustered up an answering smile for him, but it was weak. "It would
be good to see home again," he mused slowly. "Perhaps a working vacation
isn't a bad idea." 

"There, then it's settled. You wait and see, Benny. It'll do you a world
of good to frolic about in the snow up there." Ray dusted his hands
together, satisfied. 

"Well Ray, I doubt there will be much snow. The thaw is already well past,
even that far north. By the time my application for leave is approved, I'm
sure it will be full summer. However, I could always climb a mountain if I
want to see snow." 

"Whatever, Benny," Ray said, glad to hear even a half-hearted lecture. He
stood up and offered his hand to Fraser. "Come on, Benny. Let's go back
and get Dief, and then I'll drive you home." 

"Thank you kindly, Ray." Benny took his hand and let Ray pull him to his
feet. 

 

***** 

 

///You understand that, uh, I will be in touch? 

As a friend? 

Yeah, Benny. As a friend./// 

 

***** 

 

///What do you make of it? 

It's a message. 

Something I should worry about? 

No, no. No, everything's all right. Everything is actually fine. 

Okay. Well... 

Hey, Ray... would you like to go and get something to eat with me?/// 

 

***** 

 

END   

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