Beautiful Goodbye	Beautiful Goodbye by Laura Shapiro

 Author's webpage: http://www.sirius.com/~lshapiro/vanity

 Author's disclaimer: So utterly not mine in any way.

 Author's notes: Thanks to Te for Happy UnBeta, Spike for inspiration, and
Dawn for showing me the light. 

  

 TITLE: Beautiful Goodbye
 AUTHOR: Laura Shapiro
 RATING: PG (ohmygod)
 SUMMARY: Hee. I finally get to do a summary that says "____ does some
thinking." In this case, it's Ray Vecchio. SPOILERS: Burning Down the
House
 ARCHIVE: Sure, but keep my name attached FEEDBACK: laura@humandesign.com
 DISCLAIMER: So utterly not mine in any way. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Thanks to
Te for Happy UnBeta, Spike for inspiration, and Dawn for showing me the
light. 

 Beautiful Goodbye
 by Laura Shapiro 

 

 You wanna know something ironic? I've been tracking you. 

 Okay, so maybe not exactly tracking. I mean, it's not like I'm trying to
hunt you, catch up with you, take you down. I'm just sort of...watching.
And not all the time. But the incredible thing is, you haven't even
noticed. 

 I mean, this is me, city boy, watching *you*, the guy who can smell a
suspect's shoe polish from twelve blocks away. 

 Yeah, the smell thing was hard to figure out at first. But then I
figured, I gotta change my name, my clothes, my hair, my associates (these
guys don't say 'friend' unless something seriously bad is gonna happen),
might as well change the aftershave. Shampoo. Soap. All that stuff. Cuz
this new guy I'm trying to be probably wouldn't be using Aqua Velva, you
know what I'm saying? 

 Anyway, I guess it's working, because you haven't caught me. Not that I'm
hanging around the precinct, or walking past your apartment all the time
-- that would be dangerous. For both of us. But every once in a while, in
the course of, you know, business, I end up in your neighborhood. And
lemme tell you, it's the first time I've ever been happy about your choice
of neighborhoods. 

 And from a ways away, far enough that you're mostly just a red blob, I
sometimes see you walking Deifenbaker. A smallish white blob, and a
biggish red blob, but it's so obviously you, because no one else *walks*
like that. And everyone else walks their wolf on a *leash.* 

 So I kind of skulk, I guess. I mean, I did learn a few things from you.
Okay, a lotta things. You haven't seen me, you haven't heard me, and
thanks to Brut, you haven't smelled me either. Even Dief isn't on to me. 

 I'm not really sure why I do it. I mean, even with the precautions, it's
still a risk. Maybe it's just because I feel like I never really got to
say goodbye. 

 That phone call. God. I *really* didn't want that to be the last time I
ever talked to you. It makes me squirm just thinking about it. I was
trying to tell you without telling you. You must've hated it. And
especially after... 

 No, I prefer to think of the last time we actually *saw* each other.
Before you went on vacation. August. Almost a year ago, now. 

 You didn't wanna go out that night. You were leaving the next morning,
handed me some BS about wanting to "prepare for your journey". Ha! As if I
didn't know you only owned about four things in your whole crappy
apartment, and you weren't even gonna take all of them with you. So I
insisted that *I* would prepare you for your fucking journey. 

 "Come on, Benny," I said. "Lemme show you a night on the town, give you
something *nice* to tell your Innuit pals back home." 

 And then you gave me that smile, that smile of yours like a gift, and the
fact that you give that smile to everybody only makes it more valuable
somehow. "All right, Ray," you said. 

 So I did. I took you for a good old fashioned steakhouse dinner at
Mortons, where you ate like a civilized marine but wouldn't let me get you
drunk. That didn't stop me from having a few, and finally you had a glass
of wine, and you looked so...what's the word...like some kinda cultivated
wine snob, swirling it and sniffing it -- I almost laughed. But seeing you
enjoying something like that, well, I was just glad for it. 

 You told me one of your crazy stories, and then I watched you feed
Diefenbaker the scraps, wondering if you'd ever looked at another human
being the way you looked at that wolf. 

 We were supposed to go see a show that night, I had good tickets, but
we'd missed the curtain, so I dragged you off for a nightcap. I don't know
how, but we ended up in my old neighborhood, and it felt kinda good to be
back there. Home. Safe. And it was warm and muggy, coulda cut the air with
a knife, but that felt nice too, somehow. Not too sticky, just sorta cozy.


 And you were playing it safe in that dive of a bar, my friend, having one
drink for my three. Like you were letting me get looped on purpose so I'd
tell you a secret that you knew already but you wanted to hear me say it.
But the funny thing was, you were the one who told me. 

 I was pretty messed up when we left, and I think Dief noticed cuz he was
walking close to me like he wanted to protect me. But you were close too,
so maybe that's why. I remember you were holding my arm, the roughness of
your coat under my hand -- I couldn't have been so plastered that I needed
you to hold me up, because I remember every minute of that walk, remember
thinking, how can he wear that thing in this weather, remember both of us
laughing at some dumb joke, remember asking you 

 "So whatcha gonna do on your vacation, Benny?" 

 "I'm not really sure, Ray. Whatever the spirit moves me to do, I suppose.
The Yukon has a way of bending people to her will. It's best not to make
too many plans." 

 I couldn't let that sit, for some reason. I wanted to *know*. It was
strange enough imagining what Benton Fraser might do on a vacation (it
sure as hell wasn't going to involve fruity drinks with umbrellas in 'em),
but it was more than that. I wanted to know, so I could think of it while
you were gone. 

 "See family?" I pressed. "Friends? Go hunting? Rescue a few good-lookin'
damsels in distress?" 

 You were smiling right along until I got to the damsels, and then your
face caved in in that way it does whenever women are mentioned, and I felt
like a heel. 

 "Aw, shit, Ben. You don't hafta tell me if you don't want to." Then the
sidewalk pitched a little and my nice steak dinner was giving me warning
signs like I was gonna see it again if I didn't sit still. I stopped.
"Unh, I think I need to --" I leaned against a building for a minute. 

 "Ray, I think you are experiencing the effects of overindulgence in
alcohol. Would you like me to get you some coffee?" But your hand was on
my shoulder, warm and heavy, and even if I wouldn't have puked at the
smell of coffee, I didn't wanna send you running after it, right then. 

 I took some deep breaths. "No...no. I'm okay. It'll pass." 

 You looked so serious, so *concerned*, I had to look away. I just
concentrated on breathing for a while. 

 "Ray, I've been thinking." 

 "About what?" 

 "About the Yukon." 

 Figures. "Okay, Benny. What have you been thinking about the Yukon?" 

 "She can be unforgiving, Ray. Dangerous. It's possible that --" I turned
toward you again, and you had the look you get when you're willing a
thought not to be there. You still had your hand on my shoulder, and I
felt you tighten it, just a little. But you looked down, not at me, and
you said "I'll miss you, Ray." 

 I wasn't queasy anymore, but suddenly I thought the night was just a
little *too* warm. 

 "I'll miss you too, Benny." I don't know why I didn't just make some dumb
joke, but I didn't. And it was a good call, because you looked at me then,
and sorta tightened your hand again, and smiled. 

 "Are you all right now, Ray?" Your eyes were shining. You were probably
just happy I wasn't going to puke on your shoes. 

 I took another deep breath, and covered your hand with mine. "I'm all
right now, Benny." 

 And then there was some kinda negotiation involving whether I needed your
help to walk, and it gets pretty muddled after that, but I think you put
me in a cab. The next thing I remember I was waking up in my bed with my
mouth tasting like the bottom of a birdcage and a hammer pounding in my
head. 

 My clock said 10:43, and I knew you were already gone. 

 END 

 Beautiful Goodbye 

 by Amanda Marshall 

 Fed up with my destiny 
 And this place of no return 
 Think I'll take another day 
 And slowly watch it burn 
 It doesn't really matter how the time goes by Cause I still remember you
and I 
 And that beautiful goodbye 

 We staggered through these empty streets Laughing arm in arm 
 The night had made a mess of me 
 Your confession kept me warm 
 And I don't really miss you, I just need to know Do you ever think of you
and I 
 And that beautiful goodbye 

 When I see you now 
 I wonder how 
 I could've watched you walk away 
 If I let you down 
 Please forgive me now 
 For that beautiful goodbye 

 In these days of no regrets 
 I keep mine to myself 
 And all the things we never said 
 I can say for someone else 
 Cause nothing lasts forever, but we always try And I just can't help but
wonder why 
 We let it pass us by 

 When I see you now 
 I wonder how 
 I could've watched you walk away 
 If I let you down 
 Please forgive me now 
 For that beautiful goodbye