Crossroads	  

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans.
The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the
creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the
McKenzies and friends belong to me; Cat Madden belongs to Carol Trendall
and is used with permission. No infringement of any copyrights held by
CBS, Alliance, CTV or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is
intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not
give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit. 

Lyrics from 'Hold On' by Sarah MacLachlan are used without permission. 

Crossroads 

By Cassandra Hope 

(Copyright March 1998) 

  Am I in heaven here Or am I in hell... At the crossroads I am
standing... 

Phil McKenzie lay on her bedroll watching the stars march across the wide
expanse of sky visible at Granite Park. She knew she should be sleeping
but that restful state eluded her grasp. Two more days and this trip would
be over. Two more days and she would have to bid farewell to Ben once
more. The last time she did that he had never returned. Something deeply
primal squeezed her heart. 

Sometime during the long hours of the night she'd finally admitted to
herself that it was Ben who held her heart. He always would. The love she
felt for Martin would go the way of Jason, Travis, and Lloyd. They would
be life-long friends but only Ben could fill that void in her heart. 

Lloyd, then Cat, had talked about soul mates. She didn't know if she
believed everything they had told her, but she knew for a fact that she
only felt complete with Ben. 

There was no denying that they desired each other. Phil felt the coiling
heat begin as she let her mind drift across the landscape of Ben's body.
No, there was no denying that she wanted him. She rolled and, raising up
on her elbows, peered over the sides of the raft in the direction of Ray's
tent. Why had Ben started sleeping in the tent? He had done so since Lava
Falls, but wouldn't tell her why. He only blushed and turned away. Phil
felt the flush of desire wash over her as she pictured Ben's full body
blush. Throwing back the light covering of her bedroll, she prayed for a
cooling breeze--a breeze that would cool not only her body but her
thoughts as well. How could any one man be so desirable? Why did she still
want him? Could she really have him? Could she truly believe him? Could
they actually start over? Could this finally be a second chance for them? 

She thought over the past two weeks of travelling with Ben. He wasn't the
same man she'd fallen in love with all those years ago. There was a
hardness to him--as if life had tempered the young man she had known into
this man he had become. She knew the intervening years had been hard on
him--that he had been as lonely as she had, if not more so. She'd at least
had Jason and Travis and Lloyd and Martin as well as her family and Lindy.
Ben had only had Cat and his family and his obsession with Victoria.
Whatever the cause, this new Ben was even more desirable than the youthful
Ben she had known. This new Ben had an equal familiarity with the depths
of sorrows and the heights of joy as she had. Phil felt her heartbeat
quicken as she thought on the man her first love had become. 

She reflected on her life. What would it have been like if she had never
met Ben, if Lindy had never been born? She already knew the answer to
those questions--a lot lonelier. Like it or not, memories of their short
relationship coupled with their daughter's short life had carried her
through many a hard time. The memories of their daughter were precious and
she would trade them for nothing. She had Lindy, the physical
manifestation of Ben's love but what had Ben had? Ben had never known his
child, never held her in his arms, never kissed her baby fine hair, never
heard her say 'da-da', never known the miracle that had been his daughter.


There were times during this trip when she could have sworn that Ben
radiated a soul chilling loneliness. He was good at masking it, but it
existed nonetheless. She saw it in his eyes, those glacier blue pools
reflecting the misery within. Tears burned the back of her eyes as her
heart reached out, longing to comfort him, hold him in her arms. Rolling
on her side with her back to the camp, she let the tears flow, her heart
aching for Ben. When the tears ceased, she rolled back and stared at the
sky. She sighed, finally releasing the last of the bitterness that had
clouded her memories of Ben. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning,
Phil finally slipped into an exhausted sleep--a sleep disturbed by a man
with glacier blue eyes. * * * 

Ray rolled over and his elbow connected with Ben's chest. "Sorry," he
whispered before rolling again. 

"Can't you settle down, Ray?" The petulant complaint came from the
darkness on Ben's side of the tent. 

"I could if I had more room!" Ray hissed. "Why aren't you sleeping out
under the stars?" 

Ben sighed, then propped up his head in his hand. He stared across the
distance separating him from Ray. He could barely discern his features, so
he spoke to the dark shape across from him. "I had some difficulties the
other night with some uh...um nightlife," he hurriedly finished. 

Ray crossed his hands on his chest and stared at the apex of the tent.
"Nightlife? What kind of nightlife?" 

"The two-legged variety." 

"What?" Ray rolled onto his side and propped up his head as well. On an
eye level with the Mountie, he asked, "What kinda two-legged variety?" Ray
didn't need to see Ben's face to know it was rosy with embarrassment. 

"The 'hot-to-trot', wandering hands variety," Ben wryly replied. 

"She didn't..." 

"She did." 

"I tell you, Benny, if Phil crawled into my bedroll I sure wouldn't run
from her." 

"It wasn't Phil!" 

"It wasn't?" 

"No!" 

A smile cracked Ray's face. "Then who was it? Mara?" 

"Mara." Disgust flavored Ben's retort. 

"Oh, man, I can see why you don't want to sleep by yourself but I
distinctly remember warning you of this very thing at the beginning of the
trip." Grinning to himself, Ray laid back down on his bag. "You know,
Benny, there is a way you could stop women from throwing themselves at
you." 

"How?" 

"Straighten things out with Phil." Ray stated matter-of-factly. 

Startled into speechlessness, Ben recalled Cat saying almost the same
thing. Now, as then, he replied, "It's not that easy, Ray." 

Ray sat up and placed a hand on Ben's shoulder. "Yes, it is, Benny. You
love her. She loves you. What could be easier than that?" 

"There's that other man in her life as well as circumstances from our past
that have yet to be resolved before..." Ben's voice faltered. If he said
anymore, he would reveal more about his relationship with Phil than he
wanted. He had vowed never to regale Ray with this mistake from his past,
and he wasn't about to start now. 

Ray was an astute observer. He had watched Ben and Phil waltz around each
other for the past two weeks. Now that their time together was fast
approaching an end, it didn't appear to him that they were any closer to
bridging the distance that separated them. Shaking his head, he laid back
down on his sleeping bag and rested his head on his hands. 

"Let me take a stab at this, okay? Correct me if I'm wrong." He waited
while Ben settled into a more comfortable position. "Some years ago you
spent a summer with some kinda rescue team. You met and fell in love with
a spitfire of a woman. You asked her to marry you and she accepted. You
went back to Canada promising to send for her as soon as possible but,
instead, you met Victoria...who screwed up your life, addled your wits,
and pretty much destroyed everything you had going for you. You broke off
your engagement for that bitch and now, years later, you wonder if the
spitfire can forgive your stupidity and the hurt you caused. Never mind
the fact that you never stopped loving her and that has been eating at you
for years. Need I go on?" 

"No, Ray." Ben realized he no longer needed to worry about Ray finding out
about Phil. It seemed he already knew everything there was to know. He
lowered himself to his sleeping bag and threw an arm over his eyes. 

"How close am I?" Ray waited, knowing he'd surprised Ben with the extent
of his knowledge. 

"She was never a spitfire, Ray," Ben finally said struggling with his
emotions. Drawing a ragged breath into his lungs he continued in almost a
whisper, "She was so shy, so uncertain of herself. But when she smiled at
me, I felt like the warmth of summer sunlight surrounded me. And when her
soft voice whispered my name, I..." he sighed deeply, "There's no
describing the depths of desire I felt for her. I wanted her. Plain and
simple, I wanted her." He lapsed into silence as his thoughts drifted back
to a summer long past. Finally, he spoke again in a voice little more than
a whisper. "I watched her bloom over the space of a summer and I thought I
could never love anyone as much as I loved her." He paused and wiped at
the tears that collected at the corners of his eyes. "You know what was so
amazing, Ray?" 

"No, what?" Ray was surprised at the openness of Ben's admissions. In all
the time he'd known him he had rarely been this open with his feelings.
Only that afternoon of shared pain in the basement of the Hope house or
Ben's tale of love with Cat Madden approached this. He could feel the
depth of Ben's sadness...could feel it striking a similar chord in
himself. 

"The most amazing thing about her was that she loved me, too. She loved
me...and I threw it all away. How could I have been such a fool, Ray?"
Ben's voice shook with misery. 

With infinite compassion, Ray spoke from the depths of his soul, "Benny,
we all make mistakes. The measure of what we are depends not on the
mistakes we make but in what we do to correct them. If this isn't a second
chance for you to correct that mistake then I don't know what it is. If
you still love her then don't let anything stand in your way. I know I
wouldn't." The lie rankled even as he said it. He was letting his own
pride stand in the way of his love for Casey Sinclair. Maybe he should
listen to his own advice. 

"Maybe you're right, Ray. Maybe there is a chance for us. But...why do I
have to be the one who makes the first move? If she still loved me,
wouldn't she have indicated that? Why does it always have to be me that
makes the first move?" 

"Fraser..." A hard edge crept into Ray's voice. "Like it or not, you are
the one who will have to make that first move and it has nothing to do
with whether or not Phil loves you. You have to do it because you were the
one who ended your relationship." 

"But...but..." 

"But, nothing! It wasn't Phil who broke your engagement. You're the one
who did and it's up to you to take that first step. How can you possibly
expect Phil to make the first move? She's probably afraid that you'll
reject her again." 

"I would never do that, Ray!" 

"How does she know that, Benny? You did it before, you could do it again."
Ray paused as something Cat had told him crystallized in his thoughts. "Is
this what had Cat all upset when she visited you? She said you had some
strange notions and she didn't know where you got them." 

Ben sighed, like it or not, it seemed that Ray knew way more than he
thought possible. What had Cat told him during that time they were snowed
in together? It angered him to think that his personal affairs had been
bandied back and forth between his best friends. "What all did Cat tell
you?" 

Reacting to the anger in Ben's voice, Ray replied, "Only that you still
loved someone from your past and that you had some queer ideas about that.
She never told me any specifics, Benny. I didn't even know that that woman
from your past and Phil were one and the same until two days ago." 

"Two days ago? Then, how...?" 

"How do I know so much?" 

"Yes..." Ben admitted. 

"I'm a pretty good detective, Benny. I can put two and two together and
get four. I simply pieced together all the little clues that I'd gathered
over the past two years and came up with the only logical explanation for
your behavior. At the beginning of this trip, I thought you hadn't gotten
over Cat's refusal of your proposal of marriage or that maybe you still
harbored some feelings for that bitch, Victoria. But, as I watched you and
Phil, talked with you two, got to know her, I knew Cat spoke the truth.
Phil confirmed my suspicions when she told me about your engagement." 

"I'm sorry, Ray. I never meant for you to become involved in this mess."
His voice broke miserably. 

Ray rose up on his elbows and peered across at his friend. "Benny...I'm
your friend...your best friend. How could I not become involved? I've been
worried sick about you." 

"I'm sorry, Ray." 

Ray spoke with asperity, "Quit saying 'I'm sorry'. Just do something about
Phil. That's the only thing I know that will get you out of this mess." 

"I'll think about it." He sighed weary of the argument. 

"No, Benny." Ray leaned on one elbow and placed his other hand on Ben's
shoulder. He stared across the darkness into his friend's face. His words
were firm and full of compassion as he spoke to Ben. "You'll do more than
just think about it. You'll tell her how you feel. Don't let this trip end
without speaking to her. If you do, you may never get another chance.
Benny, don't let this second chance slip away. All it takes is those five
little words." 

"What words?" What words could possibly convey all that he needed to say? 

"'I'm sorry, please forgive me'. Of course, it's always best to pretty
them up with other things." 

Ben thought for a moment before answering. "So, you're saying I should
apologize for breaking our engagement?" 

"Yes." 

Ben ran a hand through his hair. Surely it couldn't be that simple. "What
if she won't forgive me?" 

"What do you think, Benny? Is Phil the kind of person to hold a grudge
even after you've asked for her forgiveness?" 

"No...at least, she wasn't years ago. Now...now I don't know." 

"Well, it certainly couldn't hurt your prospects, Benny. And, who knows,
it might help you. She might forgive you and then you could begin to
rebuild your relationship." 

"Maybe..." Ben lay back and stared at the apex of the tent. What if Phil
forgave him and welcomed him back with open arms? The thought of that sent
his pulse rate soaring. To claim Phil's love once more, to let her warmth
melt the coldness that surrounded his heart, his life. Was it possible?
The tears burned the back of his eyes and he blinked rapidly trying to
stop them from falling. 

"In the meantime..." Ray chuckled significantly. "I'll watch your back.
I'll protect you from a certain two-legged variety of nightlife." 

"Funny, Ray...very funny." Ben watched as Ray rolled back and settled to
sleep. Ray continued to chuckle but eventually the chuckles changed to
snores and Ben knew that Ray was, once more, asleep. 

His thoughts turned to the things Ray had said. Surely it couldn't be as
simple as he made it out to be. Surely there was more to it than simply
talking to Phil and asking for her forgiveness. Even though she'd told him
she'd forgiven him long ago, he needed to hear her say it once more. Or
maybe he needed to ask for it. Maybe they just needed to talk. Maybe... 

Ben drifted to sleep--a sleep disturbed by a woman with a crooked smile
who whispered words of love in a voice as soothing as a mountain stream.
Another chunk of the cold loneliness that surrounded him broke off and
shattered into a million glittering pieces. * * * 

"Come and get it!" Carol called and stepped back as the hungry campers
swarmed toward her. Plate after plate of banana pancakes and sausage links
were doled out among the friendly faces. The now familiar cup of Jasmine
tea was thrust into Ben's empty hand and he trod the familiar path to
Phil's side. Ray followed in his wake grasping a cup of coffee in one hand
and a full plate in the other. 

"May we join you?" Ben towered over Phil. 

She glanced up at the duo, a smile spreading across her face, then nodded.
"It seems that, by now, you'd realize that you're welcome here." 

"We didn't want to intrude..." Ben began. 

"Can it, Ben." Her lopsided smile flashed at the two men. Patting the
ground beside her, she invited, "I believe these seats are reserved for
you. Would you care to join me?" Grinning, Ben and Ray dropped down to sit
beside her. 

"So, what's on the schedule for today, Phil?" Ray asked between mouthfuls
of pancakes. 

Wistfully, Phil replied, "This is our last day on the river. Tonight we'll
actually be camping on the banks of Lake Mead." 

"I can't believe how fast the time has past. Boy, if you'd told me a month
ago that I'd spend two weeks separated from civilization without even a
cell phone, I would've called you a liar." Ray shook his head and took a
swallow from his coffee. "At least the food has been wonderful." 

"What? You don't think this canyon is wonderful? How about the colors of
the canyon walls--the way the light changes from moment to moment. And the
river, don't tell me you haven't enjoyed the rapids, Ray. After all,
you're the only one of us three that hasn't gotten dumped." 

Ray gazed at Phil over the rim of his cup. Lowering it slightly, he
stage-whispered, "Don't jinx me, Phil. There's still some more rapids
today, aren't there?" 

"Yes, but nothing like we've been through before. The really bad ones are
buried beneath Lake Mead." Phil glanced toward the river once more
thinking about how short a time was left to this trip. 

"Thank God for small favors!" 

Ben glanced at Phil as she gazed at the river then at Ray as he took
another bite of pancake. A slow smile passed across his lips but was
quickly suppressed. "I hadn't realized that Ray is the only regular of the
Glen Canyon that hasn't been through a rapid without a boat. Maybe we
should do something about that. Phil?" 

When Phil's face came back to face him, a look of pure mischief was
plastered across it. "Maybe we should, Ben." Schooling her features to a
bland passivity, she batted her eyes at Ray. "What do you think, Ray?" 

Ray glanced between Ben and Phil. He'd seen the smile on Ben's face and
the look on Phil's when she'd brought her attention back to them. He
wasn't fooled one bit by their 'innocent' looks. "I think that if either
one of you gets within ten feet of me without a good excuse, I won't be
held responsible for my actions!" Both Phil and Ben laughed out loud and,
soon, Ray was laughing with them. 

"So, Ben, is Travis going to let you pilot his baby through one of these
last rapids?" Phil asked around a mouthful of pancakes. 

"Yesterday, he indicated that I could try my hand at Mile 217 this
morning." 

"This morning?" Ray's eyebrows rose. "Excuse me, I gotta see about
changing seats with someone else!" 

Phil laughed outright. "Ray! Nothing will happen, I promise." 

"Somehow that doesn't make me feel any better, Phil. I plan on staying in
the boat and if I stay with you two I just know something will happen.
Hey, Matt, you wanna switch places with me today?" he called to Matt as he
strolled by. 

Matt stopped and stared down at Ray. He noticed the wicked grin on Phil's
face and the slight smile on Ben's. "Switch? Why?" he queried. 

"Oh, no reason. I just..." 

"Ben's piloting the dory through one of the big rapids today," Phil
interrupted. 

Matt glanced from Ray's face to Phil's then Ben's then began laughing.
Waving a hand, he said, "I think I'll pass, Ray." Still laughing, he
headed over to a small group of people. After a few moments, the group
began laughing as well.  

Kim called to Ray, "Sorry, Ray, you're on your own!' 

"Shit! No one wants to trade with me," Ray muttered. 

"I guess you're stuck with us, Ray. Now I wonder who will make up the
fourth for the dory?" Phil asked as she watched the news of Ben's upcoming
attempt at rapid running pass through the group. 

Ray sprang to his feet, panic on his face. "I've gotta check out the
others before the story gets around. Surely there's someone that'll switch
with me." 

"I wouldn't bet on it, Ray," Phil spoke but Ray was already gone. Turning
her attention to Ben, she shook her head. "I hope you weren't serious
about doing something to dunk Ray." 

Ben looked at her in shock but that didn't last long as a guilty grin
tugged at his mouth. "To be truthful, the thought is intriguing but I
think that I'll have my hands full just trying to get through the rapid in
one piece without trying to purposefully deposit Ray over the side." 

"I'm glad to hear that, Ben. And just for the record, I don't particularly
feel like taking an unexpected swim either!" She motioned to her bandaged
hand for emphasis. 

"Ah..." 

"Don't give me that 'who me?' look, Ben. It doesn't work on me!" 

Ben hung his head for a moment then lifted his eyes to Phil's face. "I
never could get away with that with you, could I?"  

Phil shook her head in response, her lips curving into their
characteristic lopsided smile. "So, just be warned, if something happens
today, I'll be on you like...like warts on a frog!" 

A wicked gleam entered Ben's eyes as a smile spread across his face. "Is
that a promise?" His voice dipped lower with the question. 

Why did her heart suddenly feel light as a feather? Matching the devilment
in his eyes with some of her own, she leaned closer and whispered in a
voice as sultry as a Caribbean night, "Wouldn't you like to know." Before
Ben could respond, Phil's glance slide past his face, her eyes widening in
alarm. "Uh oh, here comes Ray and he doesn't look none too happy." 

Ben glanced over his shoulder. "Oh dear!" * * *  

August 27--This morning the river takes a more southerly
direction...Unless our course changes, we shall very soon run again into
the granite. This gives us some anxiety. Now and then the river turns to
the west, and excites hopes that are soon destroyed by another turn to the
south. About nine o'clock we come to the dreaded rock. It is with no
little misgiving that we see the river enter these black, hard walls. At
its very entrance we have to make a portage; then we have to let down with
lines past some ugly rocks. Then we run a mile or two farther, and then
the rapids below can be seen. 

About eleven o'clock we come to a place in the river where it seems much
worse than any we have yet met in all its course...(we) can see no way by
which we can let down, and to run it would be sure destruction... 

We find that the lateral streams have washed boulders into the river, so
as to form a dam, over which the water makes a broken fall of eighteen or
twenty feet; then there is a raid, beset with rocks, for two or three
hundred yards, while, on the other side, points of the wall project into
the river. Then there is a second fall below; how great, we cannot tell.
Then there is a rapid, filled with huge rocks, for one or two hundred
yards. At the bottom of it, from the right wall, a great rock projects
quite half way across the river... 

After supper Captain Howland asks to have a talk with me...He thinks that
we had better abandon the river here...I learn that his brother, William
Dunn, and himself have determined to go no farther in the boats... 

All night long, I pace up and down a little path, on a few yards of sand
beach, along by the river. Is it wise to go on? I go to the boats again,
to look at our rations. I feel satisfied that we can get over the danger
immediately before us; what there may be below I know not... ***  

Phil closed the small book and spoke to the group surrounding her. "I
don't know about the rest of you, but I kinda don't want today to start."
Phil half-smiled at the group. "This will be our last full day here in the
Canyon. Tomorrow evening, we'll be back in Flagstaff and the next day
we'll each go our own separate way. As much as I love leading these trips,
I hate the last couple of days. I hope you all have enjoyed this trip as
much as I have." 

"Phil, if we don't get started, you'll have this group blubbering," Travis
joked. 

Biting her lip, Phil nodded in agreement. "Well, you heard him, let's get
today started. We need a fourth for the Glen Canyon. Who will it be?" 

Brad raised his hand. "I'm a glutton for punishment, Phil. I'll be one of
Ben's guinea pigs." 

"Thank you kindly, Brad. I appreciate your vote of confidence unlike some
others who shall remain unnamed." Ben cast his glance at Ray. 

"Hey, I freely admit it, Benny. I don't wanna ride with you. You're a jinx
and I just know some thing's gonna happen." 

"But, Ray..." Ben started. 

"Don't, Benny. Just promise me one thing..." 

"What would that be?" 

"Break the news to Ma gently." 

"Ah, understood," Ben replied. * * * 

It was a subdued group that flocked to the dories, but as the boats moved
out into the current the natural exuberance of the people took over and
laughter once more rang in the Canyon. There was just too much to be
enjoyed today to let thoughts of tomorrow intrude. The last stretch of
Canyon contained many rapids but none were anywhere near the
heart-stopping terror of Lava Falls.  

Ben seated himself next to Ray in the stern. Phil climbed into the bow and
settled beside Brad. As Granite Park receded behind the dories, Ben
watched Phil in the bow of the Glen Canyon. She smiled back at him when he
caught her eye. He felt his face settle into the now familiar lines of a
smile. Once before he had marveled at how much laughter and smiling he had
done in her presence. Now was no different. It was so easy to smile when
he was with her.  

As the dories approached Mile 217 Rapid Ben traded places with Travis and
once more piloted the Glen Canyon. 

"You know, Mile 205 and Mile 217 Rapids are the largest rapids in this
part of the canyon. After Lava Falls they just don't seem that big. That's
why they don't have proper names. I always thought that we should write a
petition or do something and come up with some decent names for them,"
Phil spoke to the others in her dory. 

"Yeah, I put that right up there with that request to dynamite that rock
in Bedrock. I doubt that it will ever happen," Travis answered. 

Ben followed the other craft as they pulled ashore to scout Mile 217. He
stared long and hard at the seething mass of water not at all convinced
that he wanted to go through with this--especially with the teasing that
Ray was receiving. Terry then Brian and the others shared words of
encouragement.	

"We'll hang back a bit so you can watch the others negotiate this one.
Then, we'll try it," Travis spoke from a spot just behind Ben's left
shoulder.  

Ben glanced over his shoulder and nodded his head in gratitude. "I have
the feeling that I've bitten off more than I can chew." 

"You can handle it, Ben. It's just a matter of concentration, hitting the
tongue right, and letting the river do the work for you." 

"I hope you're right, Travis. If I mess this up, Ray will never forgive me
nor let me forget." 

"Then let's do it right the first time. Look, there goes Terry. See how he
lines up the bow with that ripple there in the center?" Ben nodded and
listened as Travis described the actions of each dory and raft as it shot
through Mile 217. 

All too soon it was time to launch the Glen Canyon. Ray gazed woefully
after the boats that had already negotiated the rapid and now waited for
them below. 

"Ray, you stayed?" Ben asked, surprise and pleasure in his voice. 

"Yeah, I figured I've braved everything you've thrown at me so far so I
guess I gotta face this as well.' 

"That's great, Ray!" 

"Besides, no one wanted to trade with me. I couldn't even bribe someone
with money. So, I just want to warn you, if anything happens I will never,
ever let you live it down. Is that understood?" 

"Uh...yes, Ray, understood." 

"Good, now let's get this over with before I change my mind. Is there a
trail around this mess?" he asked no one in particular as he climbed into
the dory and settled on the seat in the bow. "If you don't mind, Phil, I
think I'll ride with you." 

"I don't mind, Ray, but I think you should check with Brad." 

"I don't care, Ray. I'd like to sit in the stern for awhile. You all hog
it to yourselves all the time," Brad said as he climbed past the duo in
the bow. Travis followed Brad, and, lastly, Ben. 

Ben settled into the cockpit and eased the dory away from the riverbank. A
few smooth strokes and the dory drifted in the center of the river. With a
few practiced movements of the oars he rotated the dory so that it faced
the rapid stern first. Ben licked his lips nervously. 

"Just line it up with that ripple I showed you, paddle away from the hole
on the left and let the river carry you through," Travis encouraged. 

Ben nodded his head once then dipped the oars in the water. The boat shot
forward and before anyone realized, the Glen Canyon entered Mile 217
Rapid. The dory behaved as predicted with one small exception. As Ben
powelled away from the hole on the left a wave from the right smashed into
the dory tilting it dangerously over in the direction of the hole. He
valiantly fought the boat finally pulling it free of the wave and the
hole. Past the hole he drew in a breath of relief but it was short lived. 

"Ben! We've lost Spuds and Ray!" Travis shouted. * * * 

The wave struck the dory with a force that surprised both Ray and Phil.
The force of the blow rolled the dory and Ray slid down the seat and into
Phil. The boat lurched as it fought the wave but the motion shot Ray
upward and as he came down he landed squarely on Phil. Grasping her arms
for support, the roll of the boat carried him over the side dragging Phil
with him. If he lived through this, he had a few choice words for the
Mountie. 

Phil's hands clutched at his arms as he felt the river drag their combined
bodyweight toward the hole they had tried to avoid. Fighting to the
surface, he caught the look in Phil's eyes. He'd better have his talk with
Ben before Phil got a hold of him. There might not be much left when she
got through. 

"We're being pulled into the hole, Ray. We have to try to swim away from
it," Phil shouted between dunkings. Suiting action to words, she released
her good hand and began kicking her feet. Ray copied her motions. Try as
hard as they could, they seemed destined to end up in the hole. Phil
understood the danger of that and renewed her efforts. Sensing the urgency
of her movements, Ray double his effort. The river drew them into an eddy
on the edge of the hole and they circled there for a moment catching their
breaths. 

"Ray, on the next time around, we have to punch ourselves out of this eddy
on the downstream side. If we can do that it should shoot us away from the
hole. Okay?" 

"I gotcha, Phil. How do we punch outta here?" He didn't like the flash of
fear that swept across Phil's eyes before disappearing as quickly as it
had arrived. 

"We have to let go of each other, Ray, and dive down as deep as we can go
and swim for it. The current isn't as wild down deep." 

Clenching his teeth, Ray nodded grimly. Following Phil's lead, he took
several deep breaths before releasing his hold on her and diving toward
the bottom. The current swirled him around but the deeper he went the less
effect it had. In a burst of willpower, he thrust his body forward and let
the river carry him away from the treacherous whitewater. When his lungs
felt close to bursting, he angled up toward the surface thankful that the
washing machine motion of the water was less violent. Breaking surface, he
gulped in a lung full of air and tried to orient himself. Not too far
downstream from him was the Glen Canyon trying vainly to reach him. He
waved his hand letting Ben and Travis know he was all right.  

Phil dove at the same time that Ray did. However, her swim took her toward
the bank where she was swept up in a nasty eddy chock full of rocks.
Slamming up against one, she clung to it and inched her way to the
surface. She sighed with relief when she discovered that a simple maneuver
around the rock would bring her to relatively calm water that stretched to
the bank. Inching around the rock then swimming the short distance to the
bank was an exhausting process and Phil gratefully dragged herself up on
the shore and collapsed. After a few short moments of rest, she rolled
over and forced herself to her feet searching for Ray. She was rewarded
with the sight of Ray being hauled over the gunwales of the Glen Canyon.
She sagged back down onto the ground suddenly boneless. In all the many
times she'd gone through a rapid without a boat, the other days at Crystal
and Lava Falls and now today here at Mile 217 were the most terrifying
experiences she'd ever undergone. She dropped her head between her knees
and shook with shock. Mile 217 was nothing compared with Lava Falls or
Hance or even Crystal, yet the sight of the whitewater made her nauseous. 

"Phil!" The voice called to her in a tone that bordered on panic.  

'Ben?' Phil's head came up and she blinked her eyes before running her
hands over her face. Taking several deep-cleansing breaths, she wavered to
her feet as the call came again. Heading down the riverbank to a clearer
area, she waved her hands trying to catch the attention of the men in the
dory. "Ben!" she called. 

Ray was the first to spot her and the dory quickly changed direction and
charged across the river toward her. Phil sank back down on the bank and
waited using what little time she had to compose herself. The men in the
dory would never know just how terrified she had been. Shifting her eyes
away from the approaching dory, she caught sight of a small herd of desert
bighorn sheep placidly grazing on the slope above her. She kept her eyes
glued to the animals even as the dory beached itself and the men spilled
from it. 

Ben dropped down beside her grasping her arms. "Phil, are you all right?" 

Smiling slightly, she nodded her head before speaking, "Yes, Ben, I'm
fine." Shifting her gaze to Ray's anxious face, she grinned at him. "That
was quite a ride, Ray. Would you like to try it again?" 

Ray's eyes widened in horror. "Not on your life, Phil. I don't ever want
to do that again. Which reminds me...Benny, you and me are gonna have us a
talk." He glared at his friend. 

Shaking free of Ben's hands, Phil rose to her feet. Turning her back on
the Mountie, she came face to face with Travis. Travis stared at her,
eyebrows arched, daring her to deny what was actually going through her
mind. Nodding slightly, she acknowledged his concern. "I think Ben just
knocked you out of first place for scaring the shit out of me, Travis,"
she muttered as she slipped past him. Travis' troubled eyes followed her
as she climbed back into the dory and settled into the stern of the boat. 


Ray claimed the seat beside Phil and Ben was forced to share the bow seat
with Brad. Travis once more controlled the Glen Canyon. The boat edged out
into the river and continued its journey down the Colorado. The rest of
the flotilla was almost a mile ahead of them and they hurried to catch up
with them. Silence reigned until Phil happened to glance at Ray at the
exact moment that Ray glanced at her.  

"If it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna make him pay for this. I promise
you, Phil," Ray spoke in a low voice. 

In an equally low voice, Phil answered, "Let me know when and where and
I'll help. I happen to know some desolate spots here in this canyon where
a body might disappear for a long time." 

"Yeah, I know some places like that back in Chicago." 

The two huddled together plotting various ways to do in the Mountie. Each
plot was more complex, more hilarious, and more improbable than the last
and finally both Ray and Phil were holding their sides, aching from the
laughter. Glancing forward, they spied Ben's obvious interest in what was
taking place in the stern. 

Pulling to shore at Jump Off Rock. The group finally joined the rest of
the fleet. "What happened?" Terry asked as they clambered from the dory. 

"Ray and Spuds decided to take a swim through 217 courtesy of Ben," Travis
replied. "Now they're plotting ways to get rid of his body after they do
unspeakable things to him." 

"Remind me not to let him handle my boat any time soon." 

"I'll try." Travis grinned at his brother recalling the time Terry had
smashed Travis' boat against Whale's Rock in Hance. Terry grinned back
knowing full well what Travis was thinking. 

Phil motioned to the rocks behind her. "It's a tradition that we always
stop here and spend sometime swimming in the river. The more adventuresome
of you should climb up there and jump off into the river. It's quite an
experience. Since this is already wet, I'll be joining you." She waved her
bandaged hand before her. 

"Go right ahead, Phil. I have another elastic bandage here. After your
swim, we'll put a dry one on your hand," Carol called from her raft. 

"Really? That's great!" Phil's demeanor lightened. "Are there any
questions?" she asked. "All right, everyone, those that are game to try
the jump just follow me!" Phil set a rapid pace up the trail to the top of
the rock. Ben followed but Ray remained behind. He'd had enough swimming
for the day. 

Phil led the group to the top of the rock then let each person get a good
look at the drop off. "Okay, everybody, out of the way!" she called as she
strode away from the lip. The others followed, curious to see what was
going to happen. Phil turned and waited for the others to move from in
front of her. When the last person was out of her way, she grinned widely
and yelled, "This is the way you do it!"  

Spreading her arms, she sprinted for the edge of the rock, shooting out
over the river. She sailed forward for a moment before arcing gracefully
down into the welcoming water. Ben stood on the edge of the rock waiting
for her to surface. When her dark head broke the surface, he breathed a
sigh of relief. Phil motioned with her hand and called to the people above
her, "Come on it. The water's fine!" 

Travis and Terry locked hands and sprinted for the edge together. They
flailed the air and plummeted like twin stones into the water below. Ben
chose to stand on the edge and dive off performing a perfect jackknife.
The group on the shore responded with clapping and Ray held up a
handwritten sign with a 9.9 on it. Soon the others joined them in the
river.	

Phil swam to shore and climbed out seeking Carol and that dry bandage.	

"Phil? Ben called to her after Carol finished rewrapping her hand.  

"Yes, Ben?" His name in her voice caressed his senses and he grinned
somewhat idiotically at her. She thanked Carol then rose and walked over
to him. "Ben? Is something wrong?" Her eyes drank in the sensuality of his
physique. Why did he have to be so damn attractive? Why did she have to
love him as much as she did? His voice cut across her thoughts. 

"No, Phil. I just wanted to know if you would spend some time with me this
evening. I have some things I need to talk to you about." His eyes
focussed on his hands, studying each finger. 

Knowing how she could barely disguise her feelings for him, she asked, "Is
that wise, Ben? Can't we wait until after this trip is over?" 

His eyes came up and locked with hers. "No. What I have to say needs to be
said before we say goodbye." Why did he feel a shaft of such brittle
coldness shoot through his heart? 

Phil swallowed, fighting the lump in her throat. "Goodbye?" she squeaked.
Why did that thought fill her with such panic? She stared into Ben's eyes,
finding in them much the same panic that she felt. Without volition, her
head bobbed in acquiescence.  

Turning away from him, she coughed nervously and indicated to everyone
that it was time to load the dories and continue their journey. Climbing
into the Glen Canyon, she settled into the bow with Ben. Seeing the couple
already occupying the bow, Ray shared the stern seat with Brad.  

Soon the characteristic profile of Diamond Peak approached. Already the
group in the dories could see several baloney boats drawn up on the shore.
Many trips through the Canyon ended here at Diamond Creek. The final
memories of their Canyon experience reduced to a long, dusty drive over
the primitive dirt road that eventually reached the Hualapai Indian town
of Peach Springs and finally out of Grand Canyon National Park. 

"The first trip I took through the Canyon ended here. I watched a group of
dories continue on down the river and I vowed then that I would never
travel the Canyon on a baloney boat that stopped here." Phil turned to
smile at the others in the dory. "I have never regretted that decision." 

"Did you make it through Lava Falls on one of those monsters?" Ray asked. 

"Nope! I got bounced off of the pontoon and learned the hard way how to
swim through a rapid. I think that baloney boat jinxed me." Her eyes
twinkled with buried humor as she crossed her heart with a finger.
"But...I will make it through Lava Falls one of these days. I swear I
will." 

"I believe you, Phil." 

"Thank you, Ben." The smile that lit her face warmed his heart. 

The dories continued down the river, Diamond Peak and Diamond Creek
passing from view. As the day eased from morning to afternoon, the group
of dories made a stop at Travertine Falls--everyone enjoying the
opportunity to stand beneath the falling waters. It was as if each person
realized that this adventure would soon end and they were determined to
eek the last bit of pleasure from the Canyon. 

Phil joined Ben in standing beneath the falling water. Closing her eyes,
her memories slipped back several years to the time when Travis had
proposed to her. It was under the waters of this waterfall that he'd asked
her to marry him. She opened her eyes and found Ben's face inches from
hers. The look in his eyes sent her pulse racing.  

He watched as she opened her mouth to speak, but no words issued forth. He
watched her tongue moisten her lips, sliding back and forth. As if drawn
by a magnet he brought his lips to hers, pressing a gentle kiss on them.
He was surprised when her arms slide around his neck and she returned his
kiss with a passion he had tasted only in his dreams. His arms circled her
slight form, and he whispered her name into her hair. 

"Hey, Benny. You two are creating quite a stir. Mind you, it doesn't faze
me in the least but..." Ray shrugged. Over his shoulders, Ben and Phil
could see that they had, indeed, drawn considerable attention. Shaken,
Phil broke away from his embrace and fled down the trail to the safety of
the dories. 

Ben could only stare at her retreating back and ponder the conflicting
signals she sent him. Where did he stand with her? Could he make her
forget that other man? Could he find the love he once had had? Could Phil
forgive him? 

All too soon the dories passed 237 Mile Rapid, the last rapid of the
Canyon. The terrifying rapids of Powell's journey--Separation Rapid and
the ones that followed--were drowned beneath the waters of Lake Mead.
Imperceptibly, the waters of the Colorado calmed and the dories glided on
the waters of Lake Mead toward their last camp at Separation Canyon. * * *


Chatter flowed easily over a dinner of grilled chicken, baked potatoes
with sour cream and chives, broccoli, and a crisp green salad. Josie
produced a heavenly cherry cheesecake for dessert. Later, the group around
the fire demanded the guitar and one last round of singing filled the
Canyon with music. 

Phil excused herself from the group and wandered down to where the dories
bumped against each other. Standing at water's edge, it was hard to
believe that they truly were on the banks of Lake Mead. Only the knowledge
of what lay below the waters in front of her made it real. Closing her
eyes, she imagined what it would have been like to shoot the rapids that
had terrified Powell's men and led to the rift in his group. Before the
advent of Lake Mead, the rapids below Separation Canyon, although nowhere
near Lava Falls' ferocity, were respectable in their own right. 

"Phil?" The voice came to her out of the dusk. 

Phil jumped. So engrossed in her thoughts, she had not heard Ben's
approach. "Ben...you startled me." 

"I'm sorry, Phil. What were you thinking about?" His voice was tender,
almost a murmur. 

Phil motioned with her head. "I was imagining what it would have been like
to shoot the rest of these rapids." 

"The ones covered by the lake?" 

Phil nodded and turned back to the water. "I've always wondered if they
were as bad as Powell made them out to be. Now, I guess I'll never know."
Ben chuckled and Phil glanced over her shoulder at him, curious. "What so
amusing?" 

Ben shrugged his shoulders. "I wouldn't say amusing...more like amazing." 

Returning her attention to the river and the Canyon walls opposite, she
nodded in agreement. "Amazing? I guess I'd have to agree with you on that.
This Canyon is truly amazing." 

"I wasn't thinking about the Canyon, Phil. I was thinking about you." 

Startled, Phil spun around. "Me?" She shook her head. "I'm not amazing,
Ben. I'm just...me. No, if you want to talk about amazing then let's talk
about Cat." 

Grinning widely, Ben acquiesced, "Okay, let's talk about Cat." 

"Okay. What shall we talk about?" she asked, surprised again by this
unpredictable man. 

Ben thought for a moment then, in a voice deep and silken, said, "Tell me
how you two met." 

"You already know that Ben. I know Cat told you all about that," she
remarked, pleased at how nonchalant she sounded. 

"True, but I'd like to hear your side of the story," he gently wheedled. 

"Really, why?" 

Ben shrugged and stared at the canyon walls on the other side of the
river. "Does it matter?" 

"No, I guess it doesn't." 

Ben glanced sideways at her. "So...will you tell me your story?" 

Phil nodded. Grabbing his hand, she pulled him down with her until they
were seated side by side staring out across the river. 

Ben leaned back until he rested on his elbows. He watched Phil organize
her thoughts and begin her story. He listened as her husky voice recounted
the events of last summer. He thought he would again experience the fear
he'd experienced when Cat told him of the mineshaft. But Phil's recounting
was laced with her self-deprecating humor and he found himself chuckling
as she told of her ordeal. 

"So, after I got out of the hospital, I spent a week with Cat." Phil
paused and her voice lowered as she continued, "We talked a lot about you.
She told me about what had happened since I last saw you. She told me
about..." It was still so hard to say that woman's name. Every time she
did, the loss and pain of Ben's desertion flared anew. "Cat told me about
Victoria and what she did to you." Phil sighed, and looked away from the
man stretched out beside her. 

Ben watched Phil's profile and once more felt the loss of her love in his
heart. He watched her turn her attention back to him. 

"I did my best to convince her that I'd put you behind me but you know
her! She saw right through me, Ben. Made me madder than..." 

Ben grinned remembering the chewing out she'd given him and Lloyd after
their little adventure in the woods. "I know the feeling, Phil." 

"She did help me to put most of the bitterness behind me. I just wasn't
prepared when she offered to contact you. I'm sorry, Ben, I should've let
her set up a meeting between us." Her head dropped until she rested her
chin on her knees. 

"I don't think that would've been possible, Phil." 

"No?" Phil glanced at him out of the side of her eyes. 

Ben shook his head. "When Cat offered to contact you on my behalf I nearly
came unglued. Just the thought of seeing you again frightened me. What
would I say to you? Would you hate me? When Cat told me you'd never
married, I thought you'd drawn back up into your shell--afraid of trusting
any man ever again. How could you ever forgive me for doing that to you?"
He could manage no more than a hoarse whisper. 

Phil rested a hand on Ben's. "Is that why you never contacted me?" 

"Partly. Then, as time went by and you didn't contact me, I convinced
myself that you couldn't possibly love me like Cat said you did. I
convinced myself that if you still loved me you would make the first
move." 

"Me? Why me?" Her voice rose in surprise. 

Ben sighed raggedly and ran a thumb across is left eyebrow. "It was the
only way I could deal with my feelings for you. I couldn't face contacting
you only to have you tell me that you hated me. I couldn't face that,
Phil. I still don't know if I can." 

"What do you mean?" Phil turned her full attention on the Mountie. 

This was it, the time of reckoning. Ben knew that he had to make his
intentions clear. It was now or never. Sitting up, he clasped her hand in
his. "Phil, I know you don't want to hear this but I have to say it..." 

"No, Ben!" Phil drew her hand away as if burned. Somehow she knew what he
wanted to say, what she couldn't bear to hear. "We agreed not to talk
about this until the trip was over. Now is not a good time to bring up
these things." 

"Why isn't it, Phil? There's nothing in our pasts that we can't share with
each other. There's nothing that we really need to discuss." Ben's voice
deepened with intensity. 

"You don't know all of it, Ben." Phil thought about their daughter. 

"Then tell me," he pled. 

"I can't, Ben, not here and not now." 

"Why?" He reached for her and pulled her against his chest. "Do you deny
that the fire we once knew burns in your veins? Can you deny that you want
me as much as I want you?" 

A pulse beat at the base of her throat and swelled as though her heart had
risen from its usual place. "No, Ben, I can't deny that. But it's not
enough." 

"Then what is? Do you want me to beg?" He kissed her ear and ran a line of
kisses down her throat. He felt her wildly beating pulse beneath his lips.


"No, Ben." Phil planted her hands in his chest then scooted back away from
him, a haunted look in her eyes. It would be so easy to get lost in the
way he looked at her.  

"Phil, I won't hurt you." He let all of his longing and loneliness flow
through the words. 

"That's want you said all those years ago..." 

"But..." 

Phil's hand sliced angrily between them. "No, let me finish. You told me
that you would never willingly hurt me. You told my brothers that. But
that's exactly what you did! You threw my love away like it was
worthless." Tears threatened to blind her and she swiped angrily at them. 

"I'm sorry, Phil." He reached for her again. 

"Sorry isn't good enough, Fraser!" She shouted at him letting him hear all
the hurt and pain that she'd lived with since he'd left her. She didn't
care who heard. Painful memories controlled her actions. "I needed you
when Lin..." She stumbled to a stop. No, now wasn't the time nor place for
that. Swallowing convulsively, she continued in a subdued voice, "I needed
you, Ben, more than you will ever know, but you weren't there for me. You
were never there for me." 

A soul-piercing ache lodged in his heart. Would she never forgive him for
what he had done to her? "I'm sorry, Phil." 

"Stop saying that! We're both way past the 'sorry' stage." Phil drew in a
breath and glanced at Ben to see the pain mirrored in the depths of his
blue eyes. The anger melted away as she recalled the things she had
learned about Ben's life after they parted. 

Time seemed to stop as they stared into each other's eyes. Finally, Phil
spoke, "I'm sorry, too, Ben." She broke eye contact and stared across the
river. "I know now that if I'd been more sure of myself and your love...if
I'd only come to you when..." No, she couldn't tell Ben about that. 

"When what, Phil?" he asked hunting for a meaning to all that she'd said. 

Searching for something to say that would not bring up the image of their
daughter, Phil finally whispered, "When you broke our engagement." She was
glad he couldn't see her face. If he could, he would have seen the lie
written all across it. 

Ben had noticed the little slips in Phil's story. She was hiding something
from him--something important. "Phil, what is it you're not telling me?"
Phil's startled reaction told him everything he needed to know. 

"I can't tell you that, Ben. Not here, not now!" 

"But you could tell Cat?" Suddenly things fell into place--the distraction
he had sensed in Cat, the small slips, the times he had caught something
(pity? sorrow?) in Cat's eyes. 

"Ben, I told you when this trip began that there were things we needed to
discuss." She waited until Ben slowly nodded his head. "This is one of
those things that must wait. No, don't ask me anything more because I
won't tell you." 

"But you did tell Cat, didn't you?" The accusation oozed from him. 

Phil closed her eyes then opened them and turned back to stare at the
river. "Yes," she whispered. 

"Why her and not me?" 

"It was an accident, Ben." She turned her head to look at him once more.
"I never meant to tell her. It just slipped out." 

"Does it concern me?" What was this deep, dark secret that Phil shared
with Cat but wouldn't share with him? 

"Yes." 

"Were you ever going to tell me?" There was a double meaning in the
question. 

Phil hung her head. "I honestly never thought I would ever see you again.
So, I put all that behind me and went on with my life. Then I met Cat..." 

"And?" Ben pushed. 

"...and I was forced to face all my memories of you--everything that
happened between us and everything that happened after you left me. I knew
then that someday I would have to tell you the rest of the story." Her
husky voice broke as she finished. "I just didn't think it would come so
soon." 

"Will you tell me now?" 

"No." 

"Don't you think I have a right to know?" 

"Right?" The anger built again. "You lost all your rights when you broke
our engagement. I told Cat that if anyone was going to tell you my story
it would have to be me. That's my right. It's my story and I'll tell you
when I damn well think it's appropriate and now isn't it!" 

Ben stared at Phil's profile, the anger in her voice echoing in his mind.
How could he reach her? Desperately, he schooled his voice to a calm even
timbre. "Phil, regardless of what this story is about, it doesn't change
my feelings. I've fallen in love with you all over again." He hung his
head, swallowing the panic he felt. "Phil...I love you, Phil, and...and I
can't be satisfied with just your friendship." 

Lifting his head, he stared into her eyes. "Do you still feel something
for me? Do you still love me? I think you do, Phil, and I can't begin to
tell you how happy that makes me. But..." He drew in a shaky breath. It
was now or never. "If you can't get past this deep dark secret and forgive
me, then..." This was it. Did he have the strength to say it? "...then I
don't ever want to see you again. I'm...I'm sorry, Phil. I can't settle
for less than your love." 

Phil sat in shocked silence. "What are you saying, Ben?" 

Ben dropped his eyes to stare at his hands. "It's simple, really. I
believe Arthur Symons said it best.  

And I would have, now love is over, 

An end to all, an end: 

I cannot, having been your lover, 

Stoop to become your friend!  

If I can't have your love then I don't want your friendship. It's all or
nothing, Phil. I cannot stand by and watch you fall in love with someone
else." He raised his eyes once more and whispered, "God, I pray that it is
all but if it is to be nothing, then at least I'll know that I can stop
looking for love. My dreams of love will die with you." 

"All or nothing?" Phil could barely believe what Ben had just said. Not
content to take their relationship one step at a time, he was prepared to
risk it all. Was she? Was she ready to accept him back whole-heartedly?
Who was she kidding? As much as she loved him, he still must earn her
trust, if ever. And, like it or not, Ben must hear the story of his
daughter. What right did he have trying to force her into a decision
before she was ready? 

Jumping to her feet, she stared down at Ben. Through gritted teeth, she
hissed, "How dare you try to force that on me before I'm ready! If there
is to ever be something between us, Fraser, you'd better learn not to try
and force my hand. It might backfire on you. Just remember...I got along
just fine without you." Spinning on her heels, she ran from the man she
still loved. 

"Whoa! Hold on a minute, Phil. Where are you going in such a hurry?" Ray
caught Phil and swung her around into his arms. He was surprised to find
her shaking like a leaf. 

Knowing that Ben wanted to talk to Phil, Ray had followed at a discreet
distance and positioned himself to intercept anyone who might interfere
with the conversation taking place on the bank of the river. He witnessed
the raised voices, not able to understand them, but knowing that some
dirty laundry was most likely being aired. He actually thought that was a
good sign--until Phil sprang to her feet and ran back toward camp. 

"Damn, damn, damn. Oh...Ray..." Phil dissolved in tears. 

"Now, now, Phil, things are all right..." The compassionate phrases
continued as Ray held her in his arms. He watched Ben rise to his feet and
stalk toward them until he stood an arms-length away. The look Ben sent
him told Ray more than he needed to know. Ben opened his mouth to speak,
even reached for Phil, but Ray shook his head and continued whispering to
the woman in his arms. Motioning with his head, he directed Ben back to
the camp. Ben's shoulders sagged but he obeyed Ray's unvoiced command. 

Soothingly, Ray whispered in her ear, "Come on, Phil. Let's go someplace
where we can talk." 

"I don't want to talk, Ray. I've talked too much this evening as it is,"
Phil replied, the anger evident in her voice. 

"Probably. But I don't think you want to go back to the camp in the state
you're in, do you?" 

Phil slowly shook her head. "Okay. I'll go with you--just so you
understand that I'm all talked out." 

Ray caught the edge to Phil's voice. "I understand, Phil. Believe me I do
and I won't ask you to say any more than you want to." 

Ray led Phil back to the bank of the river and settled onto the ground
beside her. "What happened?" 

"Nothing." She stewed in silence. 

Not to be put off, Ray spoke in the same soothing voice, "Phil, something
happened. What did Benny do?" 

"I don't want to talk about it." Why couldn't Ray leave it alone? She
didn't want to talk about Ben or anything to do with him. All or
nothing--she still couldn't believe he'd actually said that. 

Ray was very bad at taking hints. "Let me guess...he told you he loved
you, didn't he?" Phil nodded her head. "Is that what upset you?" Phil
shook her head. A minute passed then two. Ray let her find the words she
needed.  

"No, I guess it was several things that he said that upset me. But, I
don't want to talk about it." She paused then, in a subdued voice, said,
"I'm sorry, Ray. I'm not mad at you and I don't mean to take it out on
you. I just..." She sighed tiredly and bowed her head. 

"I understand, Phil." Realizing that Phil wouldn't volunteer any
information, he decided it was time for another tactic. Drawing her into
his arms, he laid his cheek on the top of her head. "Benny can sure be
irritating at times. I think the thing that infuriates me the most is his
assumption that he knows the best way to do things. It's either his way or
nothing." 

Phil winced. That hit a little to close to home. All or nothing. Slowly
nodding her head in agreement, she whispered to the T-shirt in front of
her face. "I know what you mean, Ray. With him, it's all or nothing. No
taking it slowly, step by step. No, it's gotta be all or nothing." 

It was Ray's turn to wince. Had Benny actually demanded all or nothing? "I
take it that means your love or nothing." 

Phil nodded again. Slowly extracting herself from Ray's comforting arms,
Phil drew her knees up and rested her chin on them. How could he do that
to her? Turning her head slightly so she could see Ray's face, she angrily
asked, "What right does he have to demand that of me? He lost that right
years ago when he broke our engagement. Doesn't he realize it isn't as
simple as he thinks it is?" 

"That might be partly my fault, Phil," Ray volunteered. 

"In what way?" she asked, curious. 

"I told him that all he needed to do was apologize to you. I'm sorry,
Phil. I honestly, thought that that was all it would take." 

"Well, it won't, Ray. It's going to take a lot more from him before I can
even begin to think about forgiving him for what he's done--for the pain
he's caused me." 

"Phil, he's suffered a lot, too. That bitch, Victoria..." 

"Don't mention that name to me, Ray." She curtly cut him off. 

Ray nodded in understanding. "All I meant was that ever since she blew
back into Benny's life and hurt him, he's had these problems. I made a
promise to myself that I would never let anyone hurt him like she
did...not even you." 

"Me? Me? Me hurt him?" She laughed hysterically. "Dammit, Ray, you have no
idea what you're saying. You have absolutely no idea how he hurt me..."  

"No, I don't, but it couldn't be anywhere near as bad as what happened to
him."  

"He left me, Ray," Phil hissed through clenched teeth. "He left me for a
criminal--for a lying, stinking murderer. He wasn't there when I needed
him, when Lindy..." She froze, her hand flying to her mouth, realization
stark in her eyes. Her mouth had betrayed her once more. 

"Lindy?" Ray pounced on the name like it was a clue in a particularly
puzzling case. 

Phil bowed her head, angry at Ben, angry at her inability to keep her
mouth shut, angry at Ray for knowing her secret. "I'm not going to discuss
her with you, Ray." It was a meaningless gesture. She knew Ray wouldn't be
satisfied until he knew the whole story. She felt the tears gather once
more. Would Ray tell Ben about Lindy? 

"Who is she, Phil?" Ray gently queried. 

"Someone I used to know." She choked on a sob. 

Sensing Phil's distress, Ray again drew her into his arms. Who was this
Lindy and why did she have this effect on Phil? "Tell me about her." 

Phil shook her head. "No, Ray. I can't. I have to tell Ben but...oh,
Ray...I don't know how I'm going to do that. How can I tell him about
her?" She sobbed heavily and leaned into Ray's embrace. 

Holding her close, Ray gently stroked circles on her back. "Who is Lindy,
Phil? What does she have to do with you and Benny?" 

Phil realized that there was no going back. It seemed she was doomed to
accidentally reveal the existence of Ben's daughter to his friends. Or
maybe it wasn't accidental--maybe her subconscious mind knew something she
didn't. Phil sniffed and drew strength from Ray's solid support. In a
voice that hinted at a suppressed sadness, she whispered, "Lindy was my
daughter...Ben's daughter." 

Shocked, Ray's hands stilled for a moment then began their soothing
circles again. Daughter? Ben had a daughter? Ben and Phil had a daughter?
"Benny has a daughter?" The words caught in his throat. 

Slightly hysterical, Phil laughed darkly. "Not anymore. Lindy died over
ten years ago. He never knew he had a daughter. I tried to tell him but he
broke off our engagement for that woman and he never knew about her." 

"Holy Mary, Mother of God...I'm so sorry, Phil." Ray's heart ached for his
friend and the sorrow Ben had yet to experience. "Is this what you've been
telling Fraser you needed to discuss?" 

Phil nodded. "I couldn't tell him that while we were here in the Canyon.
You know how that kind of news will affect him." 

It was Ray's turn to nod his head. "It would kill him." 

"I'll tell him once we're back where we belong. I promised Cat I would
tell him someday. I guess that day is almost here." 

"Cat knows?" If she did that would explain even more some of the things
Cat alluded to when she had visited this past Christmas. She knew about
Benny's daughter. 

Phil nodded. "I didn't mean to tell her but it just slipped out. Sort of
like it did with you. I've been so careful around Ben I guess I let my
guard slip around someone else." 

"Ben has no idea?" 

"No, and you're not to tell him, Ray. This is something I have to do. He
has to know about her before we can even think about what might or might
not exist between us. Damn him! Damn his 'all or nothing'. Damn him, Ray.
Why can't he just leave me alone? Why couldn't Martin be the one to
replace him in my heart? Why can't I find someone to replace him? Damn
him, Ray." She continued to cry onto his shoulder. 

It was all so clear to him. Phil would never find someone to replace Ben
in her heart because they were meant to be together. Soul mates, Cat had
said. "You love him, Phil, that's all that matters. After you tell him
about his daughter then the two of you can start over--find the love you
both lost," Ray spoke, his voice filled with conviction. 

"It's not that simple, Ray." Phil pushed away from Ray's embrace, wiping
at her eyes. "Even if I do love him, I don't trust him. If I can't trust
him with my heart then there can never be anything between us. I guess he
was right. It is 'all or nothing'. Either I can trust him or I can't. I
guess that's something that I'll have to discover after..." 

"...after you tell him about his daughter?" 

Phil nodded. "Ray, promise me you won't say anything to Ben about Lindy.
It's my responsibility to tell him, not yours--not Cat's. I promise I'll
tell him soon." 

"I won't tell him, Phil."  

"Thank you, Ray. You really are a good friend." 

"Yeah, yeah. But he's gonna need more than a good friend when you tell
him." 

Phil bit her lip. "I know, Ray, and I promise you, I'll be there for Ben
when he needs me. I know how much I needed him when Lindy died and I won't
make him suffer through this alone--not like I did." 

"Phil, I'm so sorry." Ray's voice broke with sadness. 

"There's no need, Ray. I lived through it and Ben will too. Who knows?
Maybe I'll learn to trust him. Maybe we can start over. Who knows?" 

"Well, if you want my opinion. I think you two would be stupid to let this
chance pass you by." 

"You may be right, Ray." Seeking some way to change the subject, Phil
grasped at a thought that had troubled her for several days. "Now I have a
question for you."  

"Shoot." 

"Are you going to let your chance for love pass you by? Casey loves you
and she is still waiting for you." 

Taken completely by surprise, Ray was speechless for a moment. Sighing
deeply, he replied, "Ah dammit, Phil, Benny said you didn't fight fair. He
was right, as usual." He chewed on his lip as he thought about the woman
he loved. "I promise you, Phil, once you and Benny get yourselves
straightened out, I'll contact Casey. Okay?" 

"You promise?" 

"I promise." * * * 

Journal entry: 12 September 1997  

Our final full day in the Canyon has come and gone. I am reluctant to
leave this declivity knowing that once we have left its depths, I may
never see Phil again. Still, as I told her, I could not bear to have her
in my life as just a friend. I must have more. I must have all of her. I
cannot share her with another man. 

But why must I frighten her away? Why the ultimatum? Why do I feel like
her love is slipping through my fingers and there is nothing I can do to
stop it from leaving me? 

Ray talked with Phil after I fouled things up. Now he wears that same sad,
pitying look that Cat wore. What did Phil tell him? Why can she not tell
me? What could be so terrible that she couldn't tell me now? What is it?
Did she have an affair with someone, with Lloyd? Does she have an
incurable disease? What could be so terrible that she couldn't tell me
now? Why must I wait until she deems the time is right? 

I only hope I haven't pushed her away. I love her and I need her. I don't
know what I will do if her answer is 'nothing'. Yet...if her answer is
'all' then I will know that my love has come full circle and I will be
back where I belong.  

To be continued (?) 

***Excerpted from 'First Through the Grand Canyon' by Major John Wesley
Powell 

Copyright March 1998 by Cassandra Hope 

Comments are welcome at baktrak@earthlink.net 

  

Second Chances (Book 3 of the Ben & Phil Saga)	On a Collision
Course--Redux Second Chances A Cop, a Mountie, and a Dory Canyon Interlude
by Carol Trendall Rhyme of a Not-so-Ancient Mariner Down the Valley of the
Shadow The Heart Remembers You Call This Lucky? Ghost of a Chance The Soul
of a Friend 'Spuds' McKenzie A Taste of Paradise Nemesis By Day and Night
Crossroads