Ben & Phil Ch 11	

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans.
The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the
creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the
McKenzies and friends belong to me. No infringement of any copyrights held
by CBS, Alliance, CTV, or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is
intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not
give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit. 

Drama/Romance Rated PG 

"The First Consciousness" 

By SL Haas 

(Copyright January 1997, revised June 1999)  

There is nothing holier in this life of ours than the first 

consciousness of love--the first fluttering of its silken 

wings--the first rising sound and breath of that wind which 

is soon to sweep through the soul, to purify or destroy. 

--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow  

September 1984 

This summer has been such a whirlwind for me. Time has passed way too
quickly. Classes have started and I am fully occupied teaching them. My
research is going well. I enjoy the challenge immensely but I miss working
Rescue. Actually, I miss working with Ben. Although we see each other
frequently, I miss working with him. I miss being with him. Oh damn, how
I'm going to miss him when he's gone! He has had such an impact on my
life.  

Take right now--I don't consciously remember climbing up here to the
Point. Yet, here I am. I remember coming home and shedding my trappings
for my jeans and flannels. I hate wearing dresses or suits or other such
frippery. But, I guess I will have to get used to it--must maintain some
sort of professional attitude. Honestly, dress does not make a
professional. Someday, I hope to be able to work in 'comfortable'
clothing. But not right now, not as the newest member of the faculty. 

I remember the first time Ben saw me in a dress. He invited me to attend
the symphony in the city with him. I had the perfect dress to wear.
Admittedly, I was a little apprehensive about wearing it. In fact, I had
never worn it! It, uh...revealed a little more of my...uh...'personality
(!?!) than I cared to reveal. But it was just perfect for this one date.
Our first 'official' date. 

The way he looked at me when he saw me in that dress...I guess that's the
first time that I really realized that he found me physically attractive.
Not just as a woman friend, but as a WOMAN friend. It was frightening, yet
strangely gratifying to see the desire flare in those beautiful eyes. I
have never seen blue eyes darken the way his did. I shall always remember
that moment when he made me intensely aware of the fact I was a woman and
he was a man... 

'Okay, Phil, let's not get sidetracked onto that subject!' I give myself a
good shake. 'Now, what was I thinking about? Oh yeah, how I ended up
here...' 

Anyway, I pulled on my comfortable clothes and next thing I knew I was
climbing up here to my special place. I love it here. It is so peaceful,
so quiet, so isolated from the rest of the world. The only sounds I can
hear are natural--no cars, no people, no 'civilization'--just me and the
wind. Sometimes, I think I can hear the river even though it's about 5
miles away. It's so tranquil here--I can think and not be disturbed.
Although all I seem to think about is that 'Mountie' and he certainly
disturbs me. 

I know now that I'm in love with him and I think he loves me. He says he
does, but I don't know what he really means when he says "I love you' and
I'm afraid to ask. I wish he didn't have to leave. Every time I think
about him returning to Canada I get a sick feeling in the pit of my
stomach and an ache in my heart. I never knew love could hurt so much. 

His duty is too strong for him to stay here with me and I don't know if
he'll ask me to go with him. Somehow, I doubt he will. We have
consistently avoided the issue. Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much for
him--that I had never met him. Things would be so much easier. 

Looking back over this summer, I have tried to identify that moment when I
knew I loved him--to see if there was any way I could have prevented all
of this. At first I was terrified of his effect on me. He brought out
feelings that I never knew I had. He could reduce me to a quivering,
spineless jellyfish with a single kiss. And could he kiss! 

Whoa! I have felt his lips gentle and tentative and I have felt them
ferocious and demanding. I never knew a kiss could come in so many
variations. The first time he 'really' kissed me I thought my brain would
explode and my body would burst into flame. That was the first time I
really realized that I desired him and wanted him to love me physically.
He has consistently kidded me about 'cold showers' these past months. On
that day, I was grateful for a cold lake. 

In some ways I wish I hadn't pushed him off that rock, but the expression
on his face was priceless. I'll admit, I should have checked to be sure he
was a good swimmer, but at the time I just wasn't thinking. And he didn't
have to exact his revenge. It was an accident, for crying out loud! I
guess I shouldn't have laughed at him, but it was funny. I still tease him
about his cold 'bath' and laugh at him. But then he reminds me of his
'revenge' and grins that devil's grin of his. He can stop me with the
simple words: sweet revenge. 

He tells me over and over that he is not used to laughing and smiling as
much as he has with me. I find that hard to believe. He is such a...I
guess the 'polite' word would be 'character.' 

Character. That describes T to a 'T'. He has such an inordinate amount of
character; it's like he got a double or triple portion of it when he was
born. I knew he desired me and wanted to make love to me. But...I
couldn't. I just couldn't give myself to him without some kind of
commitment. I guess I had visions of a one-night stand. Why else would he
stay with me? So I asked him to stop and he did. He didn't question why I
stopped him. He just stopped because I asked him to. He's an honorable
man. The concept of honor means something to him. 

I feel so lost thinking of him. I love him. I know there will never be
another man for me. I also know I will never have him. Marriage or a
commitment of any kind has not been mentioned. I am losing him just as
surely as TJ lost Noelle when she died. Recently, I have come to realize
that if he asked me now, asked me to 'love' him, there would be no
hesitation on my part. I might have his child. I want to have his
children. I can't believe how much I love him. 

When did I first realize I loved him and he loved me? I guess I knew he
really cared for me after that fiasco in Blue Basin. I remember taking
pictures of the cascade, the horse train, and vague images of a beautiful
woman who reminds me of Ben. I remember the cold and then the heat and Ben
caring for me. If he hadn't followed me, I would have died out there
alone. But...he did follow me. He said something about knowing I was in
trouble. He found me and carried me to the cabin. I don't remember all
that went on and Ben won't tell me--all I know is he kept me alive until
the chopper picked us up and took us to the hospital. I survived exposure,
two bruised ribs, and a concussion only to be felled by pneumonia in the
hospital. That was where I realized just how much I needed him. 

Amazing! He actually stood up to both my brothers. I sometimes think that
Ben cares more for them than for me. I am so thankful that TJ and Rob like
him. He's the first guy I've dated that they've approved of. I know they
would like for him to become a part of our family. I just wish I knew what
Ben wanted. I need more from him.  

But need is not love. Just because I need something doesn't mean I love
it. I need a flu shot each year, that doesn't mean I love it. I need good
tires on my car, that doesn't mean I love them. So I admitted I needed
him, but when did I actually fall for him? What was it that captured my
heart? 

He has so many endearing qualities to him. He's polite, gentle,
considerate, loyal--sounds like a boy scout! He is so handsome,
intelligent, a bit of a joker--he makes me laugh. And his eyes...I have
never seen eyes as beautiful as his. They are as blue as the sky above, as
blue as the fire in an aquamarine, but...they remind me most of that blue
found in the heart of a glacier. Glacial ice--beautiful blue without the
coldness--suffused with a warmth and tenderness that I find directed at
me. I still cannot believe that he loves me. Why me? Whenever I look into
his eyes I remember a snatch of something I read a long time ago: "Blue
color is everlastingly appointed by the Deity to be a source of delight."
His eyes are definitely a delight to me. 

He's also talented. He gave me a sketch of Thunder Basin. It was
perfect--down to the tiny figure of him (I could tell by the hat) sliding
over the cliff. And he can sing! His voice is so...so beautiful. 'Admit it
to yourself, Phil--it's sexy!' I want to melt when I hear him sing. I can
still hear him singing that love song to me. His voice caresses some...
something inside me and the heat builds and I want to throw caution to the
wind. Morals be damned! 

'Damn, why can't I keep my mind off of that subject? Why do I keep
returning to what my body wants? Phil, Phil, Phil, what are you going to
do? What got you started on this round of longing? Ah, yes...his
singing...' 

I remember the first time we sang together. Honestly, he could make frogs
sound like an angelic choir. If I had only known what was in store for me,
I would never have shared my piano bench with him. He is so devious! How
many times did I tell him I was not, repeat, not participating in that
charity talent contest. I was already a part of the stage crew and I
wasn't about to inflict 'stage fright' on myself. I should have known
better. Someday...someday I vowed to get my revenge on that sneaky,
underhanded Mountie. 

I think that perhaps a small desire for revenge precipitated that last
trip up to Thunder Basin. I knew that he wanted to face that slope again.
Just as I had to, he needed to face it and conquer his fears. There is no
explaining the terror that comes from being powerless to stop yourself
from hurtling over a cliff. Unless you've actually done it, it's hard to
understand the soul-numbing panic that sets in. I still shake in my boots,
although not as badly as I did those first couple of years after my fall.
If you don't face your fears head-on, they slowly eat away at your soul
until nothing is left but fear. Ben needed to face that slope at least
once before he went home to Canada. 

He was magnificent. He handled it like he had been negotiating the scree
for years. I was so proud of him. And the time we spent sitting there on
the lip of the precipice--I will cherish those memories all my life. 

My thoughts keep drifting back to the night at Vicker's Cabin. He wanted
to know why I wouldn't give into our mutual desires. I tried to explain to
him my thoughts. He seemed to understand. I only wish...I understood. I
love him, yet I hold back from him. He doesn't press me, but I can feel
his passion, his burning desire, his wanting. My resolve to wait for a
commitment is faltering. I want him so badly it hurts. But my conscience
keeps reminding me that he is leaving and I will never see him again. 

I denied him once again--denied him something we both wanted. I felt like
I was denying water to a man dying of thirst. But he only held me and said
he understood. He said he could wait. And he has waited, is still waiting.


He is such a wonderful partner. He seems to know what I need before I need
it. He has shown me many things, made me feel emotions I didn't know I
had, and what have I given him? I showed him how to taste rocks and fall
down scree slopes. That seems like such a poor trade for all that he has
given me. I want him so much. I want to give myself to him-to experience a
night in his arms. I want to let myself go-to give into my body's
yearnings, to feel his hands and lips on me, to feel his naked body next
to mine... 

'Phil, you're losing it! Get control of yourself now!' I take deep
breaths, striving for control of my racing heartbeat. 

When did I first realize I loved Ben? I'm not sure. Did I love him on
first sight? Did love grow over the time we got to know each other? Am I
even sure this is love? 

I'm jolted out of my reverie by rocks clattering down onto my shelf. I
turn to see Ben climbing down to me. There is that grin of his. Knowing
that he rarely smiles around others, much less laughs or grins like he
does with me, I feel privileged. I smile back at him. 

He's ten feet away, five feet, two... He takes me into his arms and kisses
me, his glacier blue eyes smiling down on me. It hits me hard! I
know...I...now...know when I first fell in love with him. I have loved him
from that moment at Miller's Crossing when I first gazed into those
bottomless blue pools. I fell into their depths and have been drowning
ever since. 

  

To be continued (?) 

Copyright January 1997 by SL Haas 

Revised June 1999 

Comments are welcome at durango@ionet.net 

Fraser's Secret (Book 1) 

1. On a Collision Course 

2. Nocturnal Duet 

3. Jumping to Conclusions 

4. "In the Kiss of One Girl" 

5. Real Conversations 

6. Ichnites, Montmorillonite, and Bentonite, Oh My! 

7. An Acquired Taste 

8. "...A Dish Best Served Cold" 

9. "Like Thunder When It Rains" 

10. Steppingstones 

11. "The First Consciousness" 

12. An Answered Dream 

13. "Since We Parted" 

14. The Fine Line That Separates 

15. Moments of Regret 

16. Benton's Secret