I Love You	 I Love You by Innusiq

 Author's webpage: http://synesthesia.cx/innusiq/

 Author's notes: Comments are always welcomed.

  

 I Love You
 by: Jenny Hill 

 The room was dark as the lone figure opened and closed the bedroom door.
It was just after one in the morning and he couldn't sleep. There was no
way any sleep would come after the day he had spent chasing after a band
of kidnappers all the while trying to help his best friend regain his
memory to find said kidnappers. The day was a disaster but in the end, the
good prevailed and Fraser did get his memory back. "Thank God," Ray
thought. 

 When Ray's mother heard about the ordeal her boys had gone through, she
insisted that her adopted Mountie stay the night. "Just to be safe," were
her words. She would use any excuse to baby the Canadian and Fraser
obliged in her request. If anything, Fraser was always polite and he could
never say no to Mrs. Vecchio. 

 Ray crossed the dark guestroom towards the bed that contained his
sleeping partner and best friend. The only light was from the full moon
shining through the crack in the curtains and it was just enough light for
Ray to make out his friend's facial features. The wolf in the corner
didn't even acknowledge Ray's presence knowing by instinct there was no
danger to ward of. Sighing, Ray sat down on the side of the bed making
sure not to wake Fraser and began talking. 

 "I love you. They are three small words. None of them are over four
letters long and all of them are only one syllable each. I love you, three
words that are so easy to say. I say them every day of my life and I have
to question whether I mean it each time I say them. Of course I mean it
but do I "mean" it. If I didn't, I wouldn't say them but I've said those
three little words so often that I've lost sight of their true meaning and
now - now when I need to say them in their true form, I don't know if I
can and if I do say them, I don't know if they will be believed. 

 "I love my family but they are my family. It is an unconditional love I
feel for them and a love that can never be changed. It's a love that is
inbred in my being. I could not live without loving them or having them
love me. 

 "Ma gave me life and I owe her for that and more. Because of her, I am
the man that you see before you today. Without her in my life I wouldn't
be capable of any kind of love. She has accepted me for who I am and even
though she may not agree with some of the decisions I've made in my life,
I know she still loves me. She is my mother. She knows I love her because
I tell her that daily, without question or pause and even though she knows
I love her without saying the words, I say them because I know it warms
her heart to hear them come from my mouth - to come from my heart. It
warms my heart too, seeing the look in her eyes when I say I love you. 

 "I love my sisters, Maria and Francesca. They have supported me in good
times and bad; in right decisions and wrong. They have been my rock when I
needed stable ground and my reality check when I wasn't thinking clearly.
If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be here contemplating my feelings and
ability to express them. We have gotten each other through a tough
childhood that included an abusive father and losing a brother. I love my
sisters and even if I don't say the words verbally, they know I do just as
much as I know they love me. It's a sibling thing. You don't admit your
feelings less you be made to look like the weaker one. We know and that is
all that is needed. 

 "I love my brother-in-law, Tony. He is a good man, no matter how lazy he
may seem or how preoccupied he can get with his teeth. The man may be nuts
but he is a good man. He loves Maria and he loves this family and I know
if push came to shove, he would lay down his life for us - no questions
asked. He has also filled the hole that was left in this family when our
brother left. Tony is more a Vecchio than some of our own blood relatives
and I am proud to call him my brother. 

 "I love all my nieces and nephews. They hold one of the special places in
my heart and there isn't anything that could change that. They are the
future of this family. I must set a good example for them to follow in
order to ensure that the 'bad blood' of my father isn't passed on. I am
willing to take up that responsibility on my own to guarantee that example
is shown and followed. I love my family and it's a small sacrifice to be
made. 

 "I love my car. My beautiful 1971 - well, now it's a 1972, green, Buick
Riviera. I have loved all three of my Rivs and have had my heart broken at
the destruction of two of them. It is because I loved them that it hurt so
much to see them go. But I have learned, as each one passed, that love is
not a true love. It is the over used word of love. It is the word that has
lost it's meaning. 

 "I love my job. Oh, there was a time when I contemplated giving it all
up. It was a time when I didn't care but then a funny thing happened. I
got a partner or an unofficial partner and at that point I began to see
the light at the end of a bleak tunnel. I saw things differently. I
started caring again for the good of the people. I may not have cared as
much as you did but I did care. God you were annoying at first. Running
here, jumping there, protecting strangers but then it hit me - this is
what life is all about. This is what we all should be doing, not just some
Superman Mountie from the Yukon or the Northwest Territory. Everyone
should be this helpful and courteous and loving, not just one Mountie but
everyone. 

 "I love my partner. You're the only partner that cared about me first and
then the job. Alright, so maybe that was because you were Canadian and not
a member of the Chicago PD but it was a nice feeling nonetheless. You
became my second - make that third - brother. You taught me things like a
brother should and made me see things in a different light. I began to
love my job again because with you, we made a difference. Yeah, I know I
complained a little . . . okay I complained a lot but that's just me and
you accepted me as I was. You are the first person, other than my own
family, that I let get to know me - the real me. 

 "I love my best friend. I don't think I ever really had a best friend
before you. When I was a teenager I had friends sure but a best friend? I
never had that one person I would tell any and everything to. Maybe that
was because I was hiding so much crap that was going on at home, I didn't
want to have to deal with explaining that to anyone. Keep things hidden,
that was the tactic I lived by as an adolescent. I couldn't hide things
from you though. That's just something you don't do with best friends.
There are no secrets between best friends. 

 "I have kept a secret Benny, one I am even afraid of. 

 "I am in love with my partner and best friend. Is that possible? I have
asked myself that question every day since realizing this and the answer
is always the same, yes. Yes it is possible for me to love my best friend.
It was only natural for my feelings to grow into love. And it's the true
meaning of love I am talking about. I am in love with you. I want to love
you. I need to love you. My heart feels constricted with keeping this
secret. It aches with a pain I never thought possible. I love you Benny.
Why is that so hard to say? 

 "I fear you will reject me. I have been rejected before in life and I
survived after each time but this love I feel for you is a love I never
thought existed. I would give everything up for you, for your safety, for
your happiness. I would risk it all just to ensure you were happy. I
receive contentment in your pleasure. But if I exposed my feelings towards
you and you rejected me I feel I would surely die. I know that sounds
harsh but that is what would happen. A small piece of me would die and
that emptiness would spread to infect the rest of my soul. 

 "So, after everything we've been through, after everything we have done,
I think I have found the true definition of love Benny and that is you. I
love you." Ray sighed in disgust with himself for not being able to say
those words out loud to Fraser in a more conscious state. 

 From the darkness, his name was called. "Ray?" 

 Ray nearly jumped off the bed but he held his ground breathing quickly.
"Ye-yeah Benny?" 

 Sensing his friend's uneasiness, Fraser quietly asked, "I thought you
said we were just friends?" 

 Swallowing hard, Ray replied, "We are friends." 

 "Ah." Fraser couldn't hear the gesture but he knew Ray was rolling his
eyes. 

 "Benny, just how long have you been listening?" 

 "For a while." 

 "Fraser, how long?" 

 Fraser contemplated on telling the truth or a little fib but opted for
the truth as always. "Since you opened your bedroom door." 

 "You heard me from down the hall?" 

 "Yes." 

 Ray dropped his head in his hands out of embarrassment. This was not how
it was supposed to go. Of course, it wasn't "supposed to go" anywhere. 

 "Ray?" 

 "Yeah, Benny?" 

 "Are you alright?" 

 "Sure Benny, I'm great," Ray said sarcastically. "I just feel like my
skin has been peeled back and every nerve exposed is throbbing but other
than that I'm fine." 

 "You don't sound fine," Fraser commented, in an effort to push Ray into
admitting he wasn't fine as he claimed to be. 

 A quick, short exhale of air through his nose was Ray's only response. It
always amused Ray at how literal Fraser could be. "No, Benny, I'm not
fine." 

 Fraser sat up, drawing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms
around them. This was a dream, a weird and wonderful dream. He needed to
be pinched to make sure it wasn't and yet he didn't dare for fear if it
was a dream, it would be all over. "Ray . . . " 

 "Listen Benny," Ray began as he stood up. "Let's just forget this ever
happened. I didn't come in here. You didn't hear me. This conversation
never happened. You and me are best friends and nothing more." Crossing
back through the dark room, Ray opened the door. "Good night Benny." 

 "But Ray . . ." 

 Ray stopped, turned and reiterated sternly, "Good Night Benny." He closed
the door behind him. 

 "Oh dear." 

 

 The room was dark as the lone figure opened and closed the bedroom door.
It was nearing six in the morning, his usual wake up time but this morning
he hadn't been sleeping. He couldn't sleep after the short and abrupt
discussion with his best friend. So after a couple hours of thinking and
tossing and turning, Fraser decided he needed to confront the issue at
hand. Ray had admitted he loved him. Ray had admitted his feelings and
didn't give Fraser the chance to explain his own feelings. Ray didn't give
Fraser the chance to say he wasn't scared by this revelation and that he
would never reject Ray. He could never reject Ray. It just wasn't in his
being to do so. 

 Palpitating, that was the feeling he felt in his chest as he listened to
Ray's confession. If he had been standing, Fraser was sure that he would
have felt dizzy at that very moment. And yet, as much as he returned the
affections Ray had towards him - he couldn't get himself to move or say
how he felt. Granted Ray wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise but he
could have been more forceful or demanding that he be heard but then
again, that just wasn't the way Fraser operated. 

 Ray had felt uncomfortable and obviously the words Fraser heard that
evening weren't meant to be heard - at least not by him. In his
"eaves-dropping" Fraser had forced Ray to a point he wasn't ready to go.
Could it be a point of no return? To Ray it probably was but Fraser knew
better. He needed Ray in his life - as friend or lover - and if it should
be as only friend, he would cling to that Ray and never let him go. Ray
was his best friend, first and foremost and nothing would ever change
that. But he loved Ray also, more so than just as a friend. He loved Ray
as Ray loved him. He didn't just love Ray; he was in love with Ray. 

 Fraser crossed the dark bedroom towards the bed that contained his
sleeping partner and best friend. When he took in the sleeping form he
could see that Ray wasn't having any better a time sleeping. His covers
were kicked here and there and he was sprawled out in a most uncomfortable
position. If anything, fatigue was the only reason Ray had fallen asleep.
Fraser could have only been so lucky. 

 Perching himself gently on the edge of Ray's bed, Fraser waited. He
waited for the morning to dawn or the courage to go on. He waited for the
perfect sign that would tell him when his next move should be made and
when he sensed it, only then did he say, "Hello Ray." 

 Ray was startled by the shadowy presence at first but when he heard his
voice, he relaxed immediately. "Hey Benny," Ray yawned out as he tried to
pull himself to a more alert state, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
"What are you doing up so early?" 

 "Well Ray, it really isn't 'that' early for me but I've been thinking Ray
. . . about what you said earlier." In the dark, Fraser was rubbing his
eyebrow nervously. 

 "Listen Benny, like I said, I didn't say anything. There is nothing for
you to be thinking about. You don't have to worry about me. We are friends
and I don't what anything to change that." The subject of their discussion
had Ray wide-awake and praying he hadn't stuck his foot in his mouth once
again. His midnight confession was a death sentence if it was going to
change what he had with Fraser. 

 "I agree with you. We are friends and I too don't want anything to change
that," Fraser began. "But sometimes . . . sometimes things have to
change." 

 Ray's heart stopped beating, or at least that's what it felt like. He had
gone too far. He crossed the boundary by one step. He ruined the most
perfect relationship he had ever had in his entire life by uttering three
small words. "But I don't want it to change." It was said near a whimper. 

 Turning his head to look at Ray in the pre-dawn lit room, Fraser asked,
"Don't you?" 

 Ray instantly became aware of two things. One, Fraser's eyes and the way
they looked at him. Those blue eyes normally had this ability to render
Ray into a puddle of submission. He could never say "no" and he could
never lie when those eyes looked at him. These eyes were even more
powerful. These eyes were full of love and possibility. And two, the tone
in his voice had become soft, almost caring. 

 Unable to answer the question, Ray rolled over onto his side, with his
back towards Fraser. He prayed Fraser would just leave before he said
anything more he would regret. He would like nothing more than for their
relationship to change. He would like nothing more than to call Fraser not
just he best friend but his lover as well. Challenging Fraser, Ray said,
"Don't play with me Fraser. You've never wanted me like that." 

 Hurt but understanding the statement, Fraser leaned over towards Ray and
whispered in his ear, "I have always wanted you." 

 Ray clenched his eyes shut trying to keep his crying at a minimum because
all he felt like doing at that point was sobbing. It was the release of
all the tension this one hidden secret caused. It was a secret that span
back to the day he met his best friend and although he didn't truly
realize his own feelings back then, in hindsight, he knew it all began on
that first day. 

 The bed shifted and he felt the weight of his best friend recline beside
him. Fraser's arms came around him in an embrace and pulled him closer. "I
love you," was whispered into Ray's ear with an accompanying kiss as if
sealing the words in. Ray couldn't stop the tremors in his body as reality
was finally dawning on him. Fraser loved him and the words I love you
meant more to Ray than he ever thought possible. 

 The End