Lilac    Rated R m/m for descriptions of sex and sap (not necessarily
in that order) between two wonderful guys...ahem *blush*...and oh, some
bad words too. There, that should be ample warning. 

 Disclaimer : Here we go again, yadda yadda yadda....characters portrayed
here do NOT belong to me but to Alliance. 

 Note : This is gonna sound like an acceptance speech for the Oscars, but
I just want to say thanks to all the people who read my first DS story and
so very kindly mailed to me to say they liked it. Thanks so much! I love
you guys....*sniff* You like me, you really, really like me...ooooohhh,
deja vu... 

 This is for Rachel, my would be beta-reader as soon as I get my nerves up
to send one to her...Sorry! :-(
__________________________________________________________________________
__ ___________________________________ 

 Lilac by Valencia 

 It was a small little thing. 

 Small, tiny and unobtrusive in the midst of the mind-bending chaos that
Ray called a desk and thus he could be forgiven for overlooking it until
it was almost time to go home. 

 He finally noticed it, as he was reaching for some papers that lay
cowering across the war zone that was supposed to be a work desk in
theory, and stared in some perplexity. 

 There was an unexplained object on his desk. 

 To be more precise, the 'unexplained object' was a small sprig of some
sort of purplish-blue flowers with green heart-shaped leaves. 

 Ray picked it up by the stem gingerly, as if expecting it to rear up,
bite him and give him gangrene or something as a result. Someone must have
put it on his desk, either by mistake or as a joke. Not a very funny joke
either, he thought in some disgust, cluttering up my desk like that after
all the efforts I took to make it neat. 

 He was about to fling the blooms into his wastepaper basket without a
second thought when a voice behind him suddenly spoke up. Right behind his
left ear and nearly making him shucked out of his skin with shocked
surprise. 

 "Ray, what are you doing?" 

 The detective turned his head to see the tall red-suited figure of the
Mountie standing closely behind him. Only scant inches separated them both
and Fraser was peering at him gravely. No, wait, he was staring at the
flower Ray was holding in his hand. 

 "What am I doing? What am *I* doing?! Recovering from the heart attack
you just gave me, sneaking up on me like that! That's what I'm doing!" Ray
snapped back at Fraser in irritation and immediately regretted his tone of
voice at once. But he couldn't help himself. Lately when around Benny, he
would start feeling moody and depressed. And he knew, only too clearly,
the reason why he was behaving this way. Because he lov...and shook off
the thought hurriedly. It was impossible anyway, what he wanted, yearned
for, with a desperate longing and dwelling over the unreachable would only
hurt even more. But at least Fraser hadn't seemed to notice anything wrong
with his friend's recent stormy moods and for that, Ray was grateful. 

 He was starting on an apology when Fraser suddenly said, "Lilac. The
first emotions of love." And his words caused Ray to stare, wide-eyed at
him, as if his friend had gone ever so slightly bonkers. 

 "What?" 

 "Lilac, Ray. The flower that you are holding in your hand appear to be
lilac or rather, by it's proper botanical name, Syringa. Lilacs needs
plenty of sunshine and deep, fertile, well drained, preferably alkaline
soil to grow well. There are many types of lilacs and 'Bellicent' is one
of the more popular varieties, characterised by it's tubular, single and
clear pink flowers. However, 'Charles Joly' is also much sought after for
it's distinctive red-purplish petals and judging by the dark blue, tinged
slightly with purple, hue of the one you're holding, I would hazard a
guess that it would be the 'Decaisne'." Fraser concluded. 

 Ray's eyes had glazed over by the time he finished and it was with a
tremendous effort that he pulled himself from his daze. "Benny, *why* do
you always have to know stuff that other normal people usually don't?" he
asked, really wanting to know. 

 Fraser blinked. "I'm not normal?" 

 "Yes, you're not normal! You're abnormal!" But I still love you anyway,
Ray thought silently and painfully but he hid his feelings from Fraser, he
was getting good at that, and asked again. "I *meant* what you said after
the lilac part!" 

 "Ah, that. Well, Ray, in olden days, lovers used to express their
feelings for each other by exchanging flowers instead of saying out what
they felt. So certain flowers came to symbolise certain types of emotions
and lilac stood for the first stirrings of love." Fraser was speaking in
what Ray had always thought of as his 'I'm going to bore you to death now'
voice. 

 Love. And Ray's heart clenched at the word. Four letters of the alphabet 

 that sounded innocuously enough if pronounced individually but when
strung together and said out loud, it had the power to rip a hapless
person's heart into tiny shreds. Benny could never love me, Ray thought in
silent anguish. 

 Never. And the echoes of that one single, harsh word reverberated in his
mind, over and over. 

 Never, never, never... 

 "Looks like someone has a crush on me, huh?" he said instead in a light
tone, hiding his turbulent emotions, deep within himself, cocooning it
inside a steel cage. Sometimes, it was easier that way, to hide instead of
confronting. Easier, simpler and virtually no chances of getting hurt. 

 "It would appear so." Fraser hesitated a little. "Aren't you going to
find out who's the person who gave that to you?" 

 "What for?" Ray said dismissively. Why bother? he was thinking. He was
already in love with another person. Benton Fraser of the RCMP and Mountie
extraordinaire. 

 Not funny at all, God! Making me, Ray Vecchio, skinny Italian guy, fall
in love with a veritable Greek Adonis, Benton Fraser. Not funny at
all...Ray thought bitterly. 

 No, there was nothing remotely funny or amusing about it. In fact it hurt
like bloody hell, wanting someone you know you could never have. When did
love become so fucking *difficult*? Love should mean meeting a nice girl,
preferably of the same faith, dating for a couple of years, getting to
know each other, finally marrying, have some kids, have some more
grandkids, and finally die a happy man. That's what love should mean. 

 Love didn't, shouldn't, mean falling for a man who, to complicate matters
further, just happened to be your best friend. And he could never tell
Benny about his feelings, unless if he wanted to completely obliterate the
friendship between them. 

 "Ray?" 

 Ray focused his eyes to see Fraser, staring at him in concern with those
deep blue eyes of his, the colour of a cloudless summer sky. Just the
impersonal concern for a good friend and nothing more, and that thought
made Ray boiled up with a sudden incredible rage, born of overwhelming
frustration. Rage at himself for caring, at Benny for *not* caring, at the
entire hopelessness of his plight. 

 "Sorry, Benny but I have to cancel dinner tonight. I don't seem to be
feeling too well at the moment. Maybe I'm catching a bug or something." he
said stiffly, through clenched teeth, and shrugged into his jacket while
walking out of the precinct, without waiting for Fraser's answer. The
lilac sprig, he absent-mindedly put back down upon his desk top again. 

 He was reaching the Riv and opening the door when Fraser caught up with
him. 

 "Ray, are you all right? Did something happened that I was not aware of?"
Yeah, something happened alright, I fucking went and fell in love with
you, Ray thought as his rage faded into bittersweet sadness. 

 "No, it's nothing. It's okay, Benny. I'm in a bad mood, that's all. Just
leave me alone for a few hours and I'll be fine." He tried to smile
reassuringly but somehow, it came out as a twisted grimace. 

 Fraser looked unconvinced and he was opening his mouth to protest when
Ray cut him off. 

 "I just need to be alone, okay?" Ray couldn't stand it anymore, he had to
get away before he...before he what? Die from a broken heart? 

 Don't be stupid, Vecchio, he told himself savagely, you'll get over it.
But the problem was he *didn't* want to get over it. He wanted Benny to
love him back. Simple and utterly impossible. 

 "I'll see you tomorrow." Ray finally got into the car and drove away and
resisted the strong impulse to look back as he did. 

 Love sucks. 


**************************************************************************
** ********************************** 

 Fraser opened the, unlocked naturally, door and entered his apartment.
Diefenbaker who had been lying underneath the table, looked up as he came
in, whuffed softly in greeting before dropping back against his paws. 

 He closed the door and just stood there, not moving, not talking, not
doing anything at all, except staring off into empty space, for a few
minutes. 

 Ray knows, Ray knows. He knows that I love him and he's repelled by it,
was what kept running through Fraser's tortured mind as he stood there
immobile, that's why he doesn't want to see me anymore. 

 Perhaps the wolf had sensed the man's quiet agony for he got up, padded
towards him and nosed at his knees inquiringly. Fraser reached down to
ruffle Dief's ears and the wolf bore it with patience. 

 "Oh, Diefenbaker, what have I done?" he asked. It had seemed like such a
good idea at first. 

 Lilac for love. 

 He loved Ray with a passion that exceeded anything he had ever felt
before. Loving Ray was so natural and easy that he didn't even *knew* that
he was in love with his best friend until one day, he caught himself
wondering how Ray's lips would taste like if he kissed it, nipped it,
sucked at it? And the thought sent him shivering, almost trembling with
desire. Sweet, oh so 

 sweet, that was what Ray's mouth would taste like, he was sure. 

 But the problem was that he was also sure that Ray didn't feel the same
way about him. And he didn't want to make their friendship uncomfortable
and awkward by confessing his love. Even if Ray didn't love him, then at
least Fraser still had his friendship which had become so dear and
important to him. 

 And so he kept his feelings within himself, determined never speak of it.
He had thought that just being with Ray would be enough, Ray didn't have
to love him back. It would be sufficient to know that Ray was his friend
and always will be. No point in risking something so precious for an
impossible hope. 

 But it wasn't enough. It wasn't sufficient at all as Fraser soon found
out. It was sheer hell. To see Ray everyday, to feel his warmth by his
side and unable to touch him or at least, unable to touch him the way he
wanted to, to feel him with a lover's caress. He wanted to grab Ray's
lithe body, that slender, compactly built form that always made his own
seemed large, ungraceful and gawky by comparison, and crushed it against
him, in a tight embrace. He wanted to whisper softly into Ray's ear, to
say, "I love you, Ray." 

 I love you...love me back. 

 So he conceived the notion of putting the lilac, a symbol of love
declared, on Ray's desk to see his reaction. One part of him said it was a
stupid and idiotic idea, while another part...hoped. 

 And now hope had shattered into a million pieces, like the shards of a
broken mirror. 

 For, somehow, Ray knew it had been him that had given the flower to him
and his repugnance was clear from the way he couldn't wait to get away
from Fraser fast enough tonight. 

 Fraser groaned in hopeless dejection and almost doubled over in sorrow
when he thought of how Ray must detest him now but still, he managed to
remain standing, one hand still fondling the wolf's ears in an unconscious
motion. 

 Love hurts. 


**************************************************************************
** ********************************* 

 The next afternoon saw Ray seated morosely at his desk, and filling some
forms in a half-hearted manner. Earlier, he had swung by to pick Benny up
but when he got there, he found out from one of the Mountie's well-meaning
neighbour, that he had already left. 

 It was so unlike Fraser to leave without a word for him that Ray began to
suspect that his own behaviour yesterday night had something to do with
it. 

 Maybe I gave myself away, acting like that, Ray thought fearfully, maybe
Benny guessed about how I felt about him and the thought of a man in love
with him, disgusted him. Maybe that's why he left without me, because he
doesn't want to see me anymore. 

 Maybe, maybe, maybe....A myriad of maybes, each more heartrending than
the last. 

 If I can't have his love, then at least let me keep his friendship, Ray
thought on further and the pain that was tearing at his heart at the
moment was unbelievable. It almost felt as if someone had ripped a hole in
his chest and torn it out. But now, it would seemed that he had nothing,
not after what happened yesterday. 

 He took a deep breath to calm himself and as he did, his eyes fell upon
the lilac, which was still at the same spot where he had left it. The
flower appeared as fresh as the day it had been plucked. 

 A sudden irrational anger filled Ray as he saw it, blaming the flower for
his extreme behaviour last night. If it wasn't for that stupid plant,
Benny would never have known that he loved him. Ray reached for it and was
about to crush it, to squeeze it into an unrecognisable pulp with his hand
when Elaine who had been walking past, saw the delicate blue-violet hued
petals, clutched tightly in his hands. 

 "Hey, Ray, what are you doing to that poor defenceless flower?" she
asked. 

 "I'm outraging it's modesty, what do you think?" he snapped back acidly. 

 Elaine arched an eyebrow at his tone of voice. "My, aren't we grouchy
today." she observed sweetly. "Well, it's none of my business but you *do*
know that Fraser was the one who put that inoffensive object that is God's
creation on your desk? And to which you seemed to have developed such
hostile intentions towards. By the way, I have the information to the
Brunner's case that you wanted. Turned out that he was the killer despite
the fact that he had an alibi when his wife was murdered but...HEY! That
hurts!" She stopped and exclaimed peevishly, snatching her wrist away from
Ray's sudden and painful grip. 

 "What?! When? Why? How?" Ray stopped and closed his eyes for a few
seconds to collect himself. "How did you know it was Benny who placed the
flower on my desk, Elaine?" He spoke every word clearly, slowly and
concisely but his mind was whirling like a psychotic merry-go-round. 

 "Saw him doing it yesterday afternoon when you were out, questioning a
suspect." Elaine told him, rubbing her wrist with an injured look. "His 

 uniform makes him kinda hard to miss, fire-engine red and all that, you
know but...Ray, oh Raaay? Are you listening to me?" She rolled her eyes in
exasperation. 

 Benny was the one who gave him the flower. Lilac, the emotions of love,
that's what he said...nah, it can't be but what if...nah!! But Elaine saw
him putting the flower on my desk but how could he...But why not? Maybe he
does love me but if I'm wrong, I don't think I could stand it. But what if
I'm *not* wrong?! Ray's thoughts tumbled over themselves in a mad and
incoherent rush at the sudden, unexpected revelation. 

 There was only one way to find out. 

 Elaine put her hands to her hips and watched in some astonishment at the
sight of Ray Vecchio, rushing out of the precinct as if the devil was on
his heels. 

 "Ray? Where are you going?!" she cried out to his rapidly retreating
back. 

 "Have a suspect that I have to question, ASAP!!" He threw over his
shoulder, without turning his head as he sprinted through the entrance and
was gone, leaving puffs of dust in his wake. 

 "Strange, strange man." Elaine commented wryly after a pause, and
shrugged. 


**************************************************************************
** ********************************* 

 Fraser was sitting at his desk when Ray burst into his office like a
miniature tornado, slammed the door behind him, and then almost collapsed
in a boneless heap before the startled Mountie. 

 "Ray?!" Fraser exclaimed as the detective placed his hands on the edge of
the table, supporting himself as his breaths came out in harsh, wheezing
pants. Fraser stood up hurriedly and gazed at his friend in worry. Ray
sounded as if he was about to heave his lungs out from his chest right
there and then on the spot. "Ray? What's wrong? What happened?" 

 "You *cough* were *wheeze* the one *huff* who gave me *wheeze again* the
goddamned FLOWER!!" Ray finally managed to gain enough breath to yell out
and Fraser's face blanched as he heard. 

 "I'm sorry, Ray. I know it was a foolish thing to do but I couldn't help
myself. I had hoped this wouldn't change the friendship between us when
you found out but if you never want to see me again, I will understand. I
never meant to fall in love with you. It just happened and I hope you will
not think any less of me now that you know because your friendship is so
very important to me as is your respect. I just...Ray??!!" Fraser finally
stopped babbling, mostly because Ray had reached across the desk and
grabbed at his ears firmly with both hands, pulling his head forward until
their faces were inches apart. 

 "Canadians!" Ray said, rolling his eyes in familiar and loving
exasperation and kissed him while still holding on to the ears. 

 And Fraser realised that he was right. Ray's lips did tasted sweet, and
warm, and incredibly intoxicating. 

 When they finally broke apart, Fraser who was panting now as Ray did a
moment earlier, had his mouth opened in a big O of surprise and gradual
dawning happiness. Ray had a similar look on his face as they both stared
at each other, still unable to believe what they just did. 

 They didn't speak. What was there to say? The moment was too new, too
sacred to break and spoil with rough, unwieldy words. Ray's hands had
released their grip of Benny's ears and instead his palms were now
lingering on the sides of his cheeks in a soft touch. Fraser reached up
with his own hands, grasped Ray's wrists and pulled them away gently from
his face. Then, still holding on to the wrists, he walked slowly around
his desk until they were standing in front of each other and Fraser did
something he always dreamt of doing. 

 He pulled Ray up against him and enfolded the smaller man into a crushing
embrace and finally spoke, to say in a low caressing tone, "I love you,
Ray." 

 "Ditto." Ray had a brilliant smile on his face as he replied back
teasingly. 

 "Ditto? Ditto?! I confessed my undying affection for you and that's all
you can say?" Fraser drew back but didn't relinquish his hold and glanced
down at Ray's laughing face, half amused and annoyed. 

 "Yep." Ray said mercilessly. "And that's all you'll get. Confession? You
leave a miserly plant on my desk, without a note or a name and expect me,
by staring at that *vegetable*, to decipher the fact that you were in love
with me??" 

 Fraser smiled sheepishly. "It *was* a rather cryptic gesture on my part
but I was desperate, not knowing if you felt the same way about me. I
wasn't thinking very clearly at the moment, I guess." he admitted. 

 "Well, so now that we both do know, how we feel about each other, what
are we going to do?" Relief, sweetly sharp and intense flooded Ray's
entire being and he had never felt as happy as he did now, within the
circle of the arms belonging to someone, it seemed, that he *could* have
after all. 

 "Make love?" Fraser said, innocently enough, but actually inside, he was
suppressing an insane and most inappropriate impulse to throw Ray onto his


 desk and have his way with him. He managed to control himself...barely. 

 "What?! Here?! Now?!" Ray had a rather shocked, though coupled with
desire, expression on his face when he heard what Fraser had suggested.
"That's not what I meant when I asked you what are we going to do next!!"
But now that he thought about it, it did seemed like a very good idea... 

 "On the other hand," Ray reached for Benny again and started to lick,
delicate little darts with the tip of his tongue, at the side of the
Mountie's neck, causing his friend to close his eyes in sheer bliss, "It
is very good suggestion." He complimented while continuing his exploration
of Fraser's neck, occasionally moving up to nibble languorously on his
earlobes too. His hands, which could not be accused of being idle, were
already busily unbuttoning the red tunic. 

 "I'm glad you think so, Ray." Fraser managed to get out through a haze of
arousal. 

 "Hmm...." Ray murmured something unintelligible as he was fully occupied
with undressing Fraser. The uniform came off with surprising ease, almost
slipping from Fraser's shoulders with no effort whatsoever, to land
unnoticed on the floor, and Ray concentrated on the pants next, while he
was still tasting the texture of Benny's neck slowly, with long lazy
swirls of his tongue. His hand brushed lingeringly across the front of
Benny's trousers, either by mistake or intentionally, but judging by the
small but wicked smile that surfaced on the detective's lips when he heard
his friend gasped as he did, it was probably intentional. 

 "Ray..." Fraser growled out. 

 "Yeah?" Ray stopped and glanced up, looking as if butter wouldn't melt in
his mouth. "Something wrong, Benny?" he asked, innocently enough, as his
hand cupped and stroked Fraser's erection through the constrictive
material. 

 Fraser didn't bother to answer, he just lifted Ray up bodily and plopped
him down unceremoniously onto his desk, ignoring Ray's half-smothered gasp
of surprise. He then grabbed two fistfuls of Ray's jacket and shirt and
gave a quick and forceful tug apart. Buttons flew and there was the
distinct sound of tearing as cloth ripped. 

 "Argh!! My shirt, Benn..." Ray started to yelp which changed into a
muffled noise when Fraser covered his mouth with a bruising kiss. It was
Fraser's turn to tease now as he opened the top of Ray's trousers and
slipped one hand inside to caress the *very* apparent evidence of Ray's
desire. 

 "Bennnnny..." Ray moaned into Fraser's mouth as he wrapped both his legs
and arms around Fraser's body, drawing him closer. 

 "Yeah, Ray, something wrong?" Fraser broke the kiss, causing Ray to
whimper at the loss of contact and mimicked the detective's earlier tone
of voice. He then bent over to suck on one exposed and extremely
delectable looking nipple, making it hardened instantly. He bit down upon
the nub and rotated it gently between his teeth. 

 Ray had to clench his teeth hard to avoid crying out as the assault on
his, fast becoming sore, nipple intensified while Fraser's hand stroked
his erection to an unbearable peak. This *was* Fraser's office, after all
and Ray didn't think the Canadian Consulate would look kindly upon the
sight of one Chicago cop, screaming his lungs out at the top of his voice
in mad, ecstatic, abandon while seated on the desk belonging to one of
their Mounties, who just so happened, was expertly jerking him off. 

 "I think this isn't such a good idea after all, Benny." he gasped out as
Fraser left off sucking his nipple and proceeded further down until he
knelt between Ray's spread legs which he draped over his shoulders, his
tongue leaving a trail of liquid fire on Ray's chest. He then blew softly
upon the throbbing cock and Ray twitched involuntarily at the extremely
erotic and arousing sensation of cool air over heated flesh. 

 "Too late, Ray." Fraser grinned wickedly. His tongue flickered out to
touch the head of the cock and Ray's hands had to clench the edge of the
desk for support until his knuckles turned white. He threw back his head
in ecstasy as Fraser swallowed him whole and uttered short, low and
animalistic growls. 

 Climax, when it came, was brief but violent as Ray pumped himself dry
into Fraser's willing mouth. 

 As Ray remembered to breathe, Fraser stood up slowly, his own legs none
too steady and inclined his head up towards Ray. His lover was still
seated on the edge of the desk and Fraser thought irrelevantly that he
liked the sound of that, *his* lover and no one else's, and kissed him,
almost chastely. A soft brush of the lips together. 

 Once again, they didn't speak and Ray put his arms around Fraser and
gathered him close into a tight embrace. He buried his face deeply into
the side of Fraser's neck and the two of them stayed like that, quiet and
contented for the next few minutes. 

 Finally Ray spoke, breaking the silence, but his voice came out muffled
and indistinct. 

 "Yes, Ray?" Fraser asked. 

 

 Ray lifted his head up almost regretfully as Benny's shoulder had felt so
warm and safe. He picked up his somewhat torn jacket, which had fallen off
and rummaged around the inside pockets for something. All the detective
was wearing was a buttonless shirt and nothing else. He finally found what
he was looking for at last, as Fraser waited curiously and what he took
out caused the Mountie's throat to tighten constrictively. 

 "Passed by a flower shop on the way here." Ray explained almost casually
but the look in those green eyes were anything but frivolous. They were
serious and filled with love, strong and abiding. 

 The small spray of lanced-shaped leaves in Ray's hand were spiked with
numerous tiny, 5-lobed, deep blue flowers. It was a common garden variety
but it was surpassingly lovely in it's very simplicity. 

 "It's Myosotis." he told Fraser. 

 "I know that it is Myosotis, also known more commonly as forget-me-not,
but Ray, do *you* know what it stands for?" Fraser sucked in his breath
and waited. 

 Ray smiled tenderly and said, "Yeah, I know." And he bent his head
towards Fraser's until their lips were almost, but not quite, touching. 

 "True love, it stands for true love." Ray breathed out softly and kissed
his lover. A deep, soul-binding kiss. 

 Love is...springtime. 

 The End 

 Suddenly the window of my heart flew
 open this morning, the window 
 that looks out on your heart.
 I wondered to see that the name by
 which you know me is written
 in April leaves and flowers
 and I sat silent.
 

 Rabindranath Tagore  Return to the Due South Fiction Archive