Lullaby   (Standard, all-purpose disclaimer) All pre-existing characters
are the property of the creators and producers of "Due South." No
copyright infringement is intended. All new characters and situations are
the sole property and responsibility of the author. 

Rated PG for some mild cussing, even milder m/m sexual content, and still
milder yet h/c. But if it's so mild, why am I putting a rating on it? Mine
is not to reason why, I guess ... 

That's right, folks. This is it: the m/m piece I've been promising to
write -- or threatening to write, depending on your point of view, I guess
:). I'm dedicating it to Dsrvbf for being the first one to tell me, in the
kindest and most supportive way possible, to stop fretting and write the
damn story. The title will become clear at the end of the story. 

 LULLABY 

by Katrina Bowen 

Ray took another half-hearted poke at his plate. "Do you have any idea
what this is supposed to be?" 

Ben squinted at the chalkboard hanging above the diner's cash register;
unenlightened, he looked back down at the table in front of him. "Ah, no.
But from the color, it would seem to be some kind of -- well, if I had to
narrow it down to just one of the major food groups ... " he paused,
trying to decide. 

"Would you at least say it's some kind of mammal?" Ray used his fork to
turn over the grayish substance. "Some dead mammal. It's probably roadkill
-- look at this! Is this *fur* on it?" he demanded in appalled amazement.
"Where's Dief when I really need him?" He gave up and dropped his fork
with a clatter. The waitress behind the counter glared at them balefully
and continued filling napkin dispensers. 

"Now, Ray, I'm sure you're exaggerating. It can't possibly be that bad
..." Ben took a bite, and his face fell. "Oh dear." He tried to discretely
push his plate away; the waitress snorted and disappeared back into the
kitchen. 

"Yep." Ray leaned his head on his hand and reached for his coffee. He
stirred it and took a tentative sip. "Well, at least *this* isn't
completely horrible." He sighed. "I hate going downstate. There's nothing
worth *doing* downstate." 

Ben tried to cheer him up. "If we're fortunate, we'll be able to track
down the witness you're looking for without too much trouble. And things
could always be worse." 

"Yeah, I guess so," Ray said absently. "We could be going back to Canada."


A little stung, Ben asked, "What's wrong with Canada, Ray?" 

He looked up, surprised. "Come *on*, Benny. Every time we cross the
border, something terrible happens. Have we ever once managed to go up
there without somebody trying to kill us?" He started waving his cup
around for emphasis, coming dangerously near to sloshing coffee all over
the place. "I mean, you Canadians have this worldwide reputation for being
polite and all, so it's really pretty surprising when you stop and think
about it -- " 

Ben reached for his own coffee. "You really shouldn't judge a whole
country by a few unpleasant incidents, Ray. Heaven knows I've learned not
to." More seriously, he added, "Besides, I think you've forgotten
something. The last time we went to Canada, you did save my life. I know
how out of place you were, and how frightened. But you didn't let that
stand in your way. And I don't think I've ever told you how much that
means to me." 

The other man set down his cup and looked away, color mounting in his
cheeks. "Ah, geez, Benny ..." 

"Not to mention the fact that you ate bugs for me. That's not the sort of
thing I'm likely to forget." Ben hid his smile behind his coffee cup as
Ray stared in disbelief, and finally started to laugh. 

Ray pushed his plate away. "Thanks a *lot*, Benny. Just when I thought I
might be able to choke down some of this, you have to go and spoil my
appetite completely. I'll probably never eat again." He stood up. "Come on
... We're going to end up spending the night anyway, so we might as well
try to get there before dark." 

**************************************************************************
* 

Ben sighed and stared up at the ceiling. They'd searched for hours without
finding Ray's witness; finally, he had come to the town's one hotel and
reserved the one available room while Ray went down to the police station.
That had been a little over an hour ago, and he was starting to worry. 

He looked up as the door opened and slammed; raising his head just enough
to see, he said, "Ray?" 

Ray stomped into his line of sight and threw his coat on the bed. "You're
not going to believe this, Fraser. You are absolutely not going to goddamn
believe this, because I took the call and I know *I* still don't believe
--" He stopped dead and looked down, his torrent of words interrupted.
Finding his voice again, he said, "Okay. I know this is definitely going
to be one of those questions I always end up regretting and I'm gonna feel
like a fool for asking it in the first place ... Will you 

please tell me *why* you're laying on the floor?" 

"My mattress is lumpy. It's very uncomfortable." 

"Oh. That makes a lot of sense." Ray nodded, resigned. "... And I suppose
the floor *isn't* uncomfortable?" 

"That's not really the point. You see, Ray, every lumpy mattress is
uncomfortable in its own way. But there's a wonderful ... " Ben gestured
vaguely, searching for the right words. " ...sameness to floors." 

"Yeah. They're all flat and hard and cold." Ray still sounded grumpy, but
some of the tension left his body. He sighed and slouched against the
dresser, raising both hands to cover his face. 

A little concerned, Ben sat up and rested his arms on his raised knees.
"Were they able to help you at the police station? Did they know where
your witness is?" 

"Oh, yeah," Ray replied mournfully from behind his hands. "They know where
he is, all right. They know exactly where he is. They have a precise fix
on his location." 

That didn't sound promising, Ben thought. "...And?" 

Ray lowered his hands. "He's in Chicago right now," he answered
expressionlessly. 

"Oh, my." 

"Exactly." Ray ran a hand over his scalp, looking more weary than angry by
now. "The guy drove up there to visit some cousins, and he didn't tell
anyone. With our luck, we probably passed him on the way here. Anyway,
they finally managed to track him down an hour ago. They got him down at
the precinct already, and Welsh says he's gonna testify. In fact, he says
he's happy to testify. That'll probably give the D.A. enough to get a
solid conviction, and they can finally get that killer put away. So
everyone's happy, right?" 

Ben said carefully, "Everyone except you, it would appear." 

Ray made a wordless, expansive gesture. "Why shouldn't I be happy too? I
drove all the way across the state when I could have just gone ten blocks
to find this guy. I'm sitting here --" 

"Actually, Ray, you're standing." 

Ray glared down. "*Thank* you, Benny. I'm *standing* here in a crummy,
lousy hotel room, probably without a decent meal within fifty miles. It
was a stupid, careless idiot's mistake, and I dragged you along with me.
Oh, yeah, I'm so happy I could just die of pure joy right here where I'm
*standing*." 

Quietly, Ben said, "You know I don't mind, Ray." 

Ray shrugged and looked away. "Yeah, well, maybe you should. Be honest
with me. Aren't you even a little bit bothered about this whole mess?" 

Ben raised his eyebrows and shook his head. "Not at all. But what *does*
bother me is listening to you constantly running yourself down. It was a
good idea, and you had no reason to believe it wouldn't work out. There's
no reason for either one of us to be upset about it." 

"Fraser, could you do me a favor? *Be* upset. Just for a little while and
just this once, okay?" 

Thinking he must have misunderstood, Ben said, "Excuse me?" 

Ray threw his arms in the air. "Knock it off, Benny. Don't just sit there
looking at me being -- unangry and supportive and all that crap." He
suddenly leaned down and rested his hands on Ben's knees, looking him
straight in the face. "As a personal favor to *me*, would you yell or get
mad or something? Do *anything*, all right? It doesn't really matter what
it is." 

Ben tilted his head to one side and studied Ray's face solemnly, weighing
his options. "You'd like me to do something," he said after a few moments'
thought. 

Closing his eyes for a second, Ray opened them again and nodded patiently.
"That's right." 

"You're sure?" 

"I'm sure." 

"Anything at all?" 

"Benny ..." 

Ben took a deep breath and decided. "All right, Ray, if you insist ... But
I want you to remember, this *was* your idea." He abruptly lowered his
knees, reaching up and easily catching a startled and off-balance Ray in
his arms before he fell. 

Before Ray could react, Ben eased him to the floor and rolled on top of
him; still without a word, he caught Ray's face between his hands and
gently held him still. To forestall any conversation, he lowered his mouth
to Ray's and kissed him deeply. 

Ray made a muffled sound and braced one hand stiffly against Ben's chest.
Ben's eyes popped open; other than that slight movement, Ray wasn't
responding at all. In fact, if not for the feeling of Ray's heart pounding
violently against his own, Ben might very well have been kissing a statue.


Ben started to lift his body off of Ray's, torn between concern,
embarrassment and bitter disappointment. Ray's green eyes were staring at
him blankly. Ben stammered, "I'm so sorry -- I mean, I thought -- I didn't
think --" He pulled away. 

Coming back to life, Ray gasped, "No!" He clutched at Ben's shirt to
prevent his leaving. This time, Ben was the one caught off-balance. And
this time, it was Ben who fell. 

"Ow!" 

"Oh dear. Ray, I'm so sorry --" 

"Geez, Benny." 

"Here, sit up. I have a handkerchief -- no, lean your head forward. Yes, 

like that. The bleeding will stop faster that way." 

Ray tilted his head awkwardly so he could look Ben in the face. "Stop
fussing, Benny, willya? It's not that bad -- even in my case, a nosebleed
isn't usually fatal." 

"Ray, I'm so sorry," Ben said helplessly. At a loss for anything more
useful to do, he went into the hotel room's small bathroom and came back
with a wet washcloth. He came back to where Ray was still sitting on the
floor with his back against the bed. 

Crouching beside him, Ben took Ray's wrist and carefully pulled his hand
down. "Well, at least the bleeding has already stopped." He began cleaning
the blood from Ray's face. 

"Geez, Benny," Ray grumbled. "Next time you kiss me, give me some warning,
okay? You just about scared me to death. We could have both cracked our
skulls open." 

"Of course, Ray ..." Ben's voice died away and his hand stilled in its
gentle motions. He shifted position a little, sitting forward to look
directly at Ray. "Could you please repeat that?" 

"Sure. We could have cracked our skulls open." He raised a hand
tentatively to his face. "I don't know about you, but *I've* talked to
cleaning people. You have any idea how hard brains are to get out of
carpeting? I heard about this one time in Cicero --" 

"No, no," Ben interrupted. "What you said before that ... about the next
time I kiss you." When no answer came, he plunged ahead. "Do you *want*
there to be a next time, Ray?" he asked softly. 

"Uhm." Ray froze, staring straight ahead, then forced himself to meet
Ben's eyes. "I guess there's no point in trying to talk my way out of this
one, huh." 

Ben shook his head, a slow, brilliant smile blossoming on his face.
"Believe me, I have no intention of letting you do that. So you weren't
rejecting me?" 

"Oh God, Benny, no. Never that," Ray said vehemently. "I might have
thought I was gonna have a heart attack or a stroke or something ... but I
couldn't --" he broke off and looked at Ben. In a simple, heartfelt voice,
he said, "I love you, Benny. I don't know when I started, but I do. I'll
love you until I die ... and God willing, after." 

Leaning one arm on the bed behind them, Ben delicately began tracing Ray's
features. Searching Ray's eyes intently, he murmured, "You love me." 

"Yeah. I do." Ray reached up to cover Ben's hand with his own, but there
was something indefinable behind his eyes -- a slight remaining
uncertainty. 

Instinctively, Ben knew what Ray needed to be told. He moved his hand
slightly so their fingers could entwine. "I'm certainly glad to hear that
... because I was afraid I was the only one in love." He shook his head in
wonder. "But why didn't you ever say or do anything?" 

"Well, why didn't *you*?" Ray said a little testily. 

"Actually, Ray, *I* just did." 

"Oh. Yeah, I guess you did at that." Ray reached up again to feel gingerly
at his nose. Seeing Ben trying to choke down laughter, he lowered his hand
with a smile of his own. "I don't think it ever occurred to me *not* to
love you, Benny. I just wasn't sure if you felt the same." 

Ben looked at him, not understanding at all. "Ray, what are you talking
about?" 

"Well --" Ray finally broke eye contact, but he kept hold of Ben's hand.
"I mean, I can think of lots of reasons to love you. It's hard to put into
words, but I know what all of them are. You're -- I don't know, it's just
who you are." 

In spite of himself, the corners of his mouth started twitching. "If you
want something more specific, though, you're a good dancer --" Ben started
smiling too -- "And I gotta say, you know some great Chinese restaurants.
That really comes in handy sometimes. It's a little confusing, though --" 

"In what way?" 

"Come on, Benny. You're my best friend, and I'm in love with you. So just
what does that make us?" 

"If I'm extraordinarily lucky, it'll make us lovers. As for the rest of
it, I believe the language authorities are at odds as to a single
appropriate word for our relationship. But as far as I'm concerned, you're
the person I want by my side, in all respects, for the rest of our lives,"
Ben told him matter-of-factly. 

Ray's smile faded, and he pulled his hand away. "I'm sorry, Benny. I
really don't want to spoil this, but I just can't think of many reasons
why you'd love me," he blurted out. 

Ben's smile left his mouth, but not his eyes. Ray looked down and
muttered, "Trust me to break the mood, huh?" 

Ben shook his head and lifted his hand to Ray's face. Gently, he put his
fingers under Ray's chin and urged his head up. "If you must know, I first
fell in love with your eyes." 

"You what?" 

Ben thought for a few seconds, choosing his words with care. "You may not
realize this -- in fact, you probably don't -- but your eyes are the exact
color of a pond deep in the middle of a forest -- shadowed and surrounded
by trees, and safe from any danger or disturbance." He 

slowly trailed a finger across Ray's cheekbone. "Whenever I feel lost or
homesick or afraid, I just look in your eyes. And I know I'll always have
a home there." He cupped the palm of his hand against Ray's cheek and
started smiling again. "And I love you because you always manage to
surprise me. I didn't think you even knew *how* to blush, and here you've
done it twice in one day." 

"Oh, and who are *you* to talk about surprises --" Ray would have gone on,
but he found his lips otherwise engaged. This time he responded with a
will. But when Ben pulled back, he said, "Are you *really* sure about
this, Benny?" 

Ben sighed and buried his face in Ray's shoulder. He muttered, "You know,
Ray, I'm starting to run out of ways to convince you." 

"Well, there is one way ..." 

"Oh? And what might that be?" 

"...You could always try kissing me again. That would probably work." He
felt Ben's lips curve into a smile against his neck, and Ray added, "But
this time I really do want you to do me a favor." 

"Anything in the world." 

"Lumps or no lumps, we're trying out the beds, okay?" 

"Understood." 

--------------- 

Lay your sleeping head, my love,
Human on my faithless arm;
Time and fevers burn away
Individual beauty from
Thoughtful children, and the grave
Proves the child ephemeral:
But in my arms till break of day
Let the living creature lie,
Mortal, guilty, but to me
The entirely beautiful.
...from this night
Not a whisper, not a thought
Not a kiss nor look be lost.
 

"Lullaby," W.H. Auden