May You Find Some Comfort Here    May You Find Some Comfort Here by
Iris Gray

 Author's webpage: http://victoria.tc.ca/~wy236/fic.html

 Author's notes: Inspired by the Sarah McLachlan song "Angel."

  

 <PRE> 

 Disclaimer: Characters belong to Alliance. I promise to give them back,
eventually. 

 Rating: NC-17. Coarse language, sex, major naughtiness going on. 

 Note: Some of the lines in this story are taken from the songs on Sarah
McLachlan's CD "Mirrorball". 

 May You Find Some Comfort Here 

 

 Ray Kowalski pounded on the hotel room door. "Fraser! Open this door
before I break it down!" he called. 

 After an eternity had passed, Ray heard the sound of the lock turning and
the door opened. *Fraser locked a door? This must be serious* he thought.
"Fraser? You okay?" he asked as the Mountie appeared in the doorway.
Mentally, he said *Fraser, you look like hell.* 

 "Yes, Ray, I am perfectly fine," was the reply. 

 "You don't look fine to me, Fraser," stated Ray. "You gonna let me in?" 

 For a moment Ray thought that Fraser would refuse, but he looked too
tired or too defeated to argue. He simply stepped aside and Ray entered
the dark, dingy room. He shivered. "Man, Fraser, you trying to re-create
the Arctic in here?" he asked. There was no answer. He hadn't expected
one. He sat on the edge of the bed, the only furniture in the room. "So,
ya gonna tell me what happened? Why you suddenly left the Consulate and
moved in to a hotel?" He was relieved to see Diefenbaker curled on a
blanket in a corner. At least the wolf was there. 

 "It simply was not a good idea for me to stay there any longer. I have
not yet found a new apartment, so I moved in here, temporarily, until I
do." 

 "What, the Ice Queen couldn't let ya stay till ya found a new place?"
asked Ray suspiciously. There was something Fraser was not telling him.
He'd arrived at the Consulate to pick up his partner for a hockey game
they had tickets for, and found Inspector Thatcher mad enough to spit
nails, and barely managed to get the news of Fraser's sudden departure
from her. Discreet questioning of Turnbull brought forth the information
that Thatcher had been alternately crying and raging for most of the
afternoon and that Fraser had been seen, as Turnbull put it, "fleeing"
from her office. 

 Kowalski had not always liked Turnbull, finding the younger Mountie to be
rather slow-witted. But, as a favour to Fraser, he tolerated Turnbull, and
eventually found that if you spoke to Turnbull the right way, asked the
right questions, and were very clear about what you wanted from him, the
Constable was a veritable fountain of information about what went on
'behind closed doors' at the Consulate. Including Fraser's relationship
with Meg Thatcher. 

 "My decision to leave was rather sudden," said Ben. 

 "Fraser, cut the crap and tell me the truth, willya?" Ray demanded.
"Something happened between you and the Ice - Inspector. What was it?" 

 Fraser sighed sadly. "She terminated our relationship," he said simply.
Ray could hear the mountain of pain behind those words. 

 "I'm sorry, Fraser. I know you - cared for her." *And right now I want to
strangle her for hurting you.* "Did she give you a reason?" 

 "It was my fault. I told her that I did not feel comfortable keeping our
relationship a secret any longer. When other members of the Force were
visiting, or foreign dignitaries, or Canadian officials, she acted as if I
was only her subordinate. As if we had never been anything more. She told
me that if anyone knew, we would both be reprimanded and I would probably
be transferred, or even terminated. I told her I was willing to take that
risk - apparently she was not. She said it would be best if our
relationship ended, if I was no longer willing to accept the - parameters
she had set out for us." 

 "Fraser, you know, she wasn't good enough for you," Ray said. 

 "No, it was me, I'm not good enough for her. I've never been good enough,
for anyone," Benton said sadly. 

 "Bullshit, Fraser! Pardon my language but that is absolute garbage. Don't
tell me how she's never been good to you, never been there for you, and
then say that you're the one who's not good enough. You've done her shit
work for years, run errands, picked up her drycleaning, made her coffee,
done statue duty when the weather's forty-fuckin'-below, been at her beck
and call every time she crooked her little finger, and warmed her bed at
night. And when you wanted to be treated more like a human being, instead
of an errand boy, she dumped you. I'm no expert on male-female relations,
but I know that ain't love, Fraser. There's always some reason to feel not
good enough, but you /are/ good enough. " *You're more than good enough
for me.* 

 Fraser continued as if he hadn't heard his friend. "No one stays with me.
Everyone leaves me eventually. I have never been good enough to make
people stay. My father was never home for more than a few days at a time.
Victoria left me - when I was shot she didn't even stay to find out if I
had survived. Ray Vecchio left me. And now Meg. Ray, why does no one stay?
Why do they all leave?" 

 Ray got up from the bed and walked over to where his friend was staring
sightlessly out of the window. He took Ben's arm and led him to the bed
and made him sit down. "Fraser - Ben - yer dad, well, he was a Mountie,
right? He had a job to do. Yeah, it sucked that he wasn't there for ya,
but I'm sure if he could have, he would have been. Victoria, well, from
reading the case file on her, she was Psycho Bitch Queen. She didn't love
you - she loved money, power, control. She used you to get something she
wanted, then she ran. As for Vecchio - " Ray took a deep breath. He'd
always been jealous of the relationship his predecessor had had with
Fraser. "He'd been preparing for this undercover job for a long time, ever
since someone noticed the resemblance between him and Armande Lagostini.
When Lagostini was killed suddenly, he had to jump in right away. He
didn't have a choice - he'd made a commitment to the job. I'm sure he
didn't want to leave." Still, Kowalski had added Ray Vecchio to his mental
list of people he wanted to strangle for hurting Fraser, along with
Victoria Metcalfe and Meg Thatcher. "Fraser, this is gonna hurt like hell.
But you haveta hold on. It won't always feel this bad. When I lost Stella
it hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die. But I'm still here, still
breathin'." 

 The two of them sat in silence for awhile. Sometime during their
conversation Ray had placed his hand over Fraser's, and the Mountie was
holding it tightly. Finally, Ben broke the silence. "Ray...are you going
to leave, too?" he asked. 

 Ray squeezed his partner's hand. "No, Fraser. I ain't going anywhere. You
know that you're my best friend." 

 "Thank you, Ray." 

 "Fraser, you look worn out. Why don't you try to get some sleep. Maybe
things will look better in the morning," Ray suggested. 

 "What about you, Ray?" asked Ben. "What are you going to do?" 

 "I'll stay here with ya, if ya want me to." 

 "Where will you sleep?" Fraser asked. "I know how you feel about sleeping
on the floor." He smiled slightly. "I never did give you that 'tucked in
on the floor I hurt my back' badge I promised you." 

 "Bed's big enough for two people, right?" asked the detective. 

 "Yes, I suppose it is. Are you suggesting we share it?" 

 "You got a problem with that, Fraser?" 

 "No, Ray, not at all," replied the Mountie. He stipped down to his
undershorts and climbed in to the bed. He was asleep almost instantly.
Diefenbaker jumped up on the bed and curled up next to him. 

 Ray looked at the almost-naked man in the bed and sighed. "You're so
beautiful," he said softly. "You beautiful, fucked-up man. Why did I have
to go and fall in love with you, anyway?" 

 Ray climbed into bed next to Fraser and the wolf, wearing a tshirt along
with his shorts. He lay awake for a long time, hoping that Fraser would be
strong enough to face the consequences that would likely result from the
abrupt ending of his liason with his commanding officer. How would Fraser
be able to work with the Ice Queen after this? Would she fire him? He
wouldn't be able to stay in the States without a job. Or she could
transfer him somewhere far, far away from Chicago. Either way, Fraser and
Kowalski would be separated, perhaps permanently. Ray didn't want that to
happen. He wanted to work with Fraser, to go on insane crusades against
injustice with Fraser, to eat Chinese food, watch hockey, and hang out
with Fraser. He wanted to make Fraser smile, something the man rarely did.
He had admitted to himself long ago that he was attracted to the Mountie,
and more recently that he was in love with him, but he had managed to keep
his feelings hidden. He knew about Ben's affair with Meg Thatcher. Now
that it was over, what Fraser needed was a friend, and Ray would be that
friend. He fell into a fitful sleep, trying not to think about the
nearness of the other body in the bed. 

 Sometime during the night Ray awoke to sound of muffled sobs from the
other side of the bed. He rolled over and saw that Fraser was crying,
trying to muffle the sound with his pillow, probably so that Ray wouldn't
hear. He remembered the Beth Botrelle case, and his own tears when it was
over, and how Fraser had comforted him. He put his hand on his friend's
shoulder. "Fraser?" he said softly. "Ben?" He almost never used his
partner's first name, but calling him 'Fraser' seemed somehow impersonal
at a time like this. He moved closer. "It's okay. You can cry. Hell, cry,
scream, get mad, throw things if ya want to. I'm right here for ya, Ben."
The tears continued but Fraser seemed more relaxed now that he wasn't
trying to hide them. Ray pulled Ben into his arms and held him close,
letting the tears fall on his thin t-shirt. 

 Eventually the sobs quieted, and Fraser relaxed in Ray's arms. "Feel a
bit better now?" asked Kowalski. 

 "Yes, slightly," answered his partner. "Thank you, Ray." 

 "No problem, Fraser. You'd do the same for me. You /have/ done the same
for me." 

 There was an odd quality to Fraser's voice when he spoke again.
"Ray...you're hard." 

 Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit. How had he let that happen? What would Ben
think of him - that he was going to try to take advantage of his friend's
vulnerability? Damn. "Uh...just one o' them autonomic thingamajobbers, ya
know, happens to most guys first thing in the morning, wake up with a
hard-on," he babbled. 

 "Really?" asked the Canadian, his voice sounding amused. "That must be
why I'm hard, too, then." 

 Oh-oh. Ray had the feeling that he was standing on the edge of a
precipice and one false move would send him falling in to an abyss. "You
have one too, huh?" *Oh brilliant, Mr-I-state-the-
blindingly-obvious-Kowalski.* 

 Fraser reached over, took Ray's hand and moved it to the hardness
protruding from the front of his boxer shorts. "Yes - see? Or, perhaps the
correct word would be, feel?" He moved his own hand to the front of Ray's
shorts. "Is there something I can do for you, Ray?" 

 No-no-no-YES! Ray thought he must have a little cartoon devil on one
shoulder and an angel on the other, arguing over whether he should let
Fraser do this. He wanted it so badly - but it would be taking advantage -
but Fraser had offered - oh! It seemed the decision had already been made.
He felt Ben pulling his shorts down and then the hand was back, stroking
him gently. He swallowed. "Fras - Ben - ya don't haveta do this, it'll go
away on its own." Well, maybe after a long cold shower it would.... 

 "I want to, Ray," was the simple reply. The hand kept moving, and Ray
couldn't have stopped it if he wanted to. He was mesemerized. He found his
own hands lowering Ben's boxers, and he began stroking the hard cock that
had been under them. He pulled his shirt off and moved closer to Fraser,
feeling his partner's warm body against him. He kissed Ben, gently, and
felt Ben's mouth responding eagerly, hungrily. 

 Fraser rolled on top of Ray, and Ray pushed his hips upwards, feeling
Ben's hardness against him. They thrust together, rubbing their erections
against each other. Ray felt himself spiralling out of control. It wasn't
long before he cried out his partner's name as his orgasm overtook him,
and Fraser came at almost the same instant before collapsing on top of
him. The two of them lay like that, Ben sprawled on top of Ray, for a
little while before Fraser rose, kissed Ray softly, and rolled on to his
side. Ray wrapped his arms around his partner - his lover - and his last
thought before he fell asleep was *I am in deep shit now.* 

 

 When he awoke later that morning, Ray saw Fraser was already awake and
out of bed. He was looking at him. "Good morning, Ray," he said. 

 "Morning, Fraser. Did ya sleep at all?" 

 "Yes, thank you, I slept quite well." 

 "So what do you want to do today?" Ray asked. 

 Ben sighed. "Well, first I think we need to find something to eat, and
walk Diefenbaker. Then I should go to the Consulate and put in the
necessary paperwork for a transfer. I think the position I was offered in
Ottawa is still open." 

 "Transfer?" asked Ray. He felt sick. *Nonononono...not after last
night...you can't...* "Why?" 

 "I doubt Inspector Thatcher will be at all comfortable with my remaining
in Chicago. My continued presence at the Consulate will simply remind her
of our...relationship. In fact, I would not be surprised if she has
already put in a request for my transfer." 

 "But you can't leave!" Ray exclaimed. 

 "But why not, Ray?" asked Ben, sounding perplexed. 

 "Because...because I don't want to break in a new partner," Kowalski
stammered. 

 "Come now, Ray, I'm certain you would rather work with another American
detective than with a Canadiian Mountie. Especially if that detective
carried a gun." 

 "No, I wouldn't. /You/ are my partner. You understand me better than
anyone ever has. We're a team. A duet. Like the Three Stooges - well,
except that there's two of us instead of three. Fraser, I don't want you
to leave!" Ray hoped he didn't sound as desperate as he felt. 

 Ben looked at Ray, the deep blue eyes boring in to him, straight in to
his soul, Ray thought. "Why not, Ray?" he asked quietly. 

 "Damnit, Fraser, because I love you!" *Oh hell. I said it. I said I loved
him. Now what?* He continued, the words spilling over each other as if
they just had to escape. "Last night - it wasn't just sex for me. I - I
don't do that with just anyone. Well, maybe if I'm drunk, but not when I'm
sober. And it doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman, if the feelings are
there. And with you - they are." 

 "Ray, I had no idea you felt this way about me." 

 "I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings," the detective replied. "You were
with her, the Inspector, and it wasn't gonna do me any good to tell ya I'm
in love with ya when yer in love with someone else." *Especially when that
someone is female* he added mentally. 

 Ben didn't say anything. Ray remembered the first time he had looked into
his partner's eyes. It had been their first case together, when they were
pursuing an arsonist who had burned down Fraser's apartment building and
the Vecchio family home. Fraser was still trying to prove that Kowalski
was not really Ray Vecchio. They had finally caught up to 'Greta Garbo' at
the edge of Lake Michigan, and she had fired at Ray. He'd been wearing a
vest, but the impact of the bullet had knocked him backwards and stunned
him for a moment. Fraser had jumped Bogart all over the Garbo woman, and
when he had her subdued, he'd bent over his partner, slapping his face and
calling him 'Ray' for the first time since they'd met. Ray had opened his
eyes and said "BOO!" at the Mountie, and at that moment he'd caught a
glimpse of concern in the most beautiful blue eyes he'd ever seen. And he
knew then that he would do anything for this man. 

 His reverie was interrupted by Fraser's voice. "I'm not in love with
her," he said. 

 "Well, yer hurting right now, Frase, that's understandable." 

 "I never was in love with her, Ray." 

 "I don't understand, Fraser, what're ya talking about? Enlighten me." 

 Fraser paced back and forth in the small hotel room, rubbing his fingers
across his brow. "It pains me to say this, because it sounds so - shallow.
I was not in love with Meg Thatcher. I was attracted to her, and I was
extremely flattered that she seemed attracted to me also. And I was so
lonely. You have been a good friend to me, Ray, but when Ray Vecchio first
left - I felt bereft. And Meg offered ...comfort. And she is - was - very
good at it. Sex, I mean." Fraser blushed slightly. "And then, a few months
ago, after the case involving the 'ghost ship' on Lake Superior, I
realized I was actually in love with someone else - but I couldn't tell
them, I did not think they would return my feelings. So I again turned to
Meg. It's not that I don't care for her, but I am not in love with her. I
am in love with you, Ray. You are the 'someone else.' " 

 Ray looked stunned, surprised, shocked, and pleased all at once. He could
hardly believe his own ears. "Fras - Ben - you love me? You're sure? This
isn't some sort of rebound thing, I hope." 

 "No, Ray. I'm quite certain. Last night - it meant something to me, too.
But you seemed so reluctant - I didn't let myself hope that you felt the
same way I did." 

 Ray got up and went over to his lover. He put his arms around Ben's
shoulders. "I wanted it as much as you did. But you were vulnerable - I
was afraid it'd be taking advantage, that you'd wake up and regret it in
the morning." 

 "The only thing I regret is that we didn't do this a long time ago," said
Fraser. He kissed Ray, who happily kissed him back, and they continued to
kiss until Diefenbaker interrupted. 

 Ben sighed. "I think he wants his breakfast." 

 "Well, I'm kinda hungry too," said Ray. "For breakfast, I mean. And other
things, too, but maybe that can wait 'till after breakfast." 

 The trio left the hotel and found a corner coffee shop where the staff
turned a blind eye to the wolf that accompanied the two men. Diefenbaker
happily demolished a plate of bacon and eggs while his human friends
picked at their food and discussed their situation. 

 "So what're ya gonna do about the Ice Queen?" asked Ray. He was holding
Fraser's hand under the table. "You're probably right that she won't want
ya around; she'll either fire ya outright or she'll transfer ya somewhere
on the other side of the world." 

 "I have my resources, Ray," said the Mountie, squeezing his partner's
hand. "Don't worry." 

 Eventually the two gave up on their meals and gave the leftovers to Dief.
They paid their bill and headed to the Consulate. "Ya want me to go in
there with ya?" Ray asked his lover. 

 "No, Ray. Your presence, welcome as it would be to me, would only
antagonize the Inspector. I shall return shortly." He kissed Ray quickly
before getting out of the car. 

 Sure enough, Fraser was not gone long - though to Ray it seemed like an
eternity. He was carrying the remainder of his possesions that he had not
taken with him the previous day. "So how'd it go? What happened? Are ya
staying or going?" Ray asked anxiously. 

 "I spoke to Inspector Thatcher. I told her that I hoped we could act like
reasonable adults around each other and maintain a good working
relationship. I told her that I have no intention of leaving Chicago, and
that if she tried to transfer me against my wishes, or to terminate my
employment with the Canadian Government, I would file a complaint against
her stating that she is trying to terminate me due to our previous
personal relationship, and that Turnbull would back me up. I then informed
her that I am taking a short leave of absence to find a new place to live,
while she considers her options. When I left she was on the phone to
Ottawa, discussing a transfer for herself, I believe." 

 Ray let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "I don't
need to tell ya I was worried, Ben," he said. "I shoulda known you'd have
a trick or two up yer sleeve. So, about finding you a place to live...." 

 "Yes, Ray?" 

 "Did ya know they allow wolves in my building?" 

 "No, Ray, I did not know that." 

 "Yeah, well, they do. And it just so happens my apartment is big enough
for two people. " 

 "Yes, I believe I noticed that the last time I was there." 

 "I think the turtle could learn to get along with Dief," Ray continued. 

 "Ray, are you suggesting I move in with you?" Fraser asked. 

 "No, Fraser, I am not suggesting anything. I am telling you that you are
going to move in with me. Today. As soon as we get ya checked out of that
fleabag hotel." 

 "I certainly hope the hotel isn't a 'fleabag.' Diefenbaker suffers
miserably if he gets fleas." 

 "Well then we'll give him a bath. Pitter-patter, let's get at 'er." And
they pulled away from the Consulate. 

 Later, in Ray's apartment, the two men lay in each other's arms. Ray
noticed a genuine smile on his lover's face, something made more special
by its rarity, though he hoped it would not be as rare from now on. 

 Ben smiled at him. "I am in the arms of an angel," he said. 

 "So am I, Ben. So am I." 

 END 

 </PRE>