Memories	This story is a sequel to 'The Way We Weren't'. It didn't
really need a sequel, but I wanted to see what happened.
 
 
 Memories
 
 by Carol Trendall
 
 
 Toronto, November 2007
 
 Until the women in red appeared Ray didn't even realise he was watching
for someone. The flash of her red overcoat against the white snow made him
instantly realise he had been watching for the return of Benton Fraser. It
also made him realise his mind was filled with memories of the man - had
been ever since their earlier encounter on the steps of the Mayfair Hotel.
For the moment he was powerless to stop it. All he could do was watch from
the window and wait.
 
 If it hadn't been for the bubble of childlike laughter from the direction
of the bathroom, Ray would possibly have stared out the third floor window
all afternoon, waiting for the return of the Mountie. He clutched a hank
of heavy brocade curtain in his left hand and willed his mind to remain in
the present. The laughter from the bathroom grew louder.
 
 "What's so funny?" he called, still not taking his eyes from the
snow-covered street below.
 
 "Un - fucking - believable!" Dan McKillop's voice echoed from the
cavernous depths of the marble bathroom, sounding much larger than it was.

 
 Ray smiled, shaking his head affectionately, thrilled that Dan was having
the time of his life. Ever since their arrival in the ostentatious hotel
room an hour earlier, Dan had rushed around shouting his delight at the
fussy rococo style and giving a running commentary of the inclusions in
the ample suite to which they had been treated.
 
 Finally letting go of the curtain, Ray turned his back on the world
outside and settled down onto the wide windowsill so that he could survey
the suite with only a slight turn of his head. Dan continued to chatter
away in the bathroom. 
 
 To his left was a doorway through which he could see the bedroom. An
emperor-sized bed dominated the room, it's plush royal blue quilt cover
matching the heavy drapes on the windows. Centred in the main room of the
suite, where Ray sat, was a trio of burgundy and gold sofas arranged
around a large marble fireplace. In the centre was a low rosewood coffee
table bearing trays of fruit, cookies and handmade chocolates, all gifts
from the Toronto Film Festival organisers. To Ray's right, behind a pair
of wide, gilt doors, sat the bathroom, into which Dan had disappeared ten
minutes earlier, singing the praises of all he encountered.
 
 "What's so 'un-fucking-believeable'?" Ray asked, eventually.
 
 "Why don't you come see for yourself?" Dan's seductive voice teased him
from behind the gold doors.
 
 A cheeky glint appeared in Ray's eyes and for a moment he contemplated
joining his lover behind the wide gold doors, but before he could rise,
his memories of the past halted him. He needed to be alone a little
longer. Pushing away from the windowsill, he collected a copy of a Louis
XVI chair and dragged it in front of the window where he had stood
earlier. Settling onto the brocade seat he lifted his feet onto the
windowsill and resumed staring out the window.
 
 It seemed strange to Ray that after all this time, and after all Dan had
come to mean to him, that the chance meeting with Benton Fraser had set
off the chain reaction of thoughts that assailed him now. It made no
sense. He had no doubt about his feelings for Dan McKillop. Since the
night they met there had been no doubt. So why was he unable to stop
thinking about Fraser?
 
 For a moment he forced all thoughts of the Mountie aside and thought back
to the night he and Dan had met. Francesca and her boyfriend of the week,
Chris, had invited him to a party. Ray smiled at the memory, thinking how
odd it was that he and Francesca had remained so close. After the real Ray
Vecchio had emerged from deep cover, the family continued to treat him as
one of their own and even now, after ten years, he was still expected at
Thanksgiving.
 
 Ray hadn't wanted to go to the party with Francesca and Chris. Chris was
an actor and frequented Hollywood style parties for their networking
value. That night Ray had been in no mood for it. But, like a real sister,
Francesca had harangued him, insisting it would be good for him, until he
finally agreed to accompany them.
 
 He had met Dan in the first ten minutes, their eyes meeting across the
room like cliched star-crossed lovers. Fifteen minutes later they were
outside, alone, wrapped around each other in a passionate clinch while the
party raged on inside. Ray had pressed Dan against the cold wall of their
host's house and kissed him fiercely.
 
 "Not like this," Dan had told him, his breath misting in the winter
night. "Let's go to my place."
 
 Even now, more than a year later, Ray still remembered the power of that
moment. 
 
 As he had stared into the warm, dark eyes that told of Dan's Gaelic
heritage he knew he had met his soul mate. He knew that in one simple
sentence Dan had offered him something that no other person had ever
offered.
 
 Meekly, he had followed Dan home and let the smaller man make slow,
careful love to him until he cried from the sheer joy of it. When they
awoke the next morning, and began anew, Ray knew he would never willingly
leave Dan's side.
 
 So why was he perched on an ugly, uncomfortable chair watching for a man
he had willingly walked away from ten years before, while the best thing
that had ever happened to him was naked and singing in the bath beyond the
gold doors? Listening to Dan's delighted off-key rendition of 'I'm Just a
Girl Who Can't Say No' he had no answer. Instead, he found his mind
drifting back to the night he and Fraser had become lovers.
 
 It had started the night they slept, literally, on the side of a frozen
mountain. Suspended in a hammock secured only by a few small rock bolts,
he had fallen into a hypothermia-induced sleep. To stop the cold from
claiming him, Fraser had pulled him close, tucking Ray's hands into his
shirt against his warm, bare skin.
 
 Ray's memory of that night was sketchy. He could only recall brief
snatches; Fraser rocking him, sucking on his fingers, reciting poetry and
telling him how odd it was to find love twice in the face of a frozen
death. He didn't recall Fraser kissing him, but Ray knew he must have for
he remembered responding. And, oh, how he had responded.
 
 Later, when the Muldoon case was over, Ray had been too startled to
refuse Fraser's invitation to join him on the search for the Hand of
Franklin. Besides, he welcomed the distraction. He didn't want to think
too closely about what had happened between Stella and Ray Vecchio.
 
 The first few months had been wonderful as they stumbled their way into a
mutually satisfying and surprisingly inventive physical relationship. The
sex was great, the best, but Ray sensed that for both he and Fraser there
was an element of being on the rebound. Although he had no basis for it,
Ray was sure that Fraser had once had feelings for Ray Vecchio and the
Italian man's hasty departure to Florida with Stella had been as painful
for the Mountie as it was for him.
 
 The second three months were good and they settled into a very
comfortable life together. The sex was still great, although the frequency
had diminished. Ray hadn't been bothered, if they had continued they way
they started, they would have fucked themselves into an early grave.
 
 The third three months began to be stressful for Ray, with little company
other than Fraser. It didn't take long before he found himself driven to
distraction by Fraser's preciseness and pedantry. Even though the sex was
still good, it didn't take the edge off the growing resentment he felt.
 
 Sometime during the fourth three months, in the middle of a visit to
Tuktoyaktuk to replenish supplies, Ray announced he was leaving. The words
poured out of his mouth before he had formed the thought. Fraser never
asked why. He just stared at Ray, open-mouthed, told him he understood and
let him go. Ray caught a plane home to Chicago the next morning and took
up his old life, almost as though the intervening year had never taken
place.
 
 Ray had kept in touch with Fraser over the years, occasionally sending
him short, tightly worded letters. In return, Fraser kept him informed of
the minutiae of his life, sending monthly tomes. When Fraser met Eli
Greycloud the frequency of his letters became erratic but later stabilised
into a less regular, but no less detailed, quarterly report when the
couple moved to Moose Factory. Surprised at the jealousy he felt over Eli,
Ray rarely returned the courtesy, preferring the anonymity of silence.
 
 And now, with no warning, they had come face to face for the first time
in ten years.
 
 "I thought you were going to join me."
 
 At the sound of his lover's voice, Ray twisted in his seat, smiling as
Dan came towards him. Dressed in a thick white robe, Dan stepped between
Ray's legs that were still propped on the windowsill. His eyes twinkled
like a child in a toy store.
 
 Dropping a hand onto Ray's right knee, he ran it up his thigh and Ray
shifted his legs invitingly.
 
 "What you been doing?" Dan asked, his voice hinting that he knew
something was not quite right.
 
 Ray shrugged and looked at Dan through lowered lashes. "Just sitting
here."
 
 "You OK?"
 
 "Yeah, yeah ..." Ray's voice was a little higher than usual. " .... just
thinking ...."
 
 "Bout old times?"
 
 Ray shrugged again. "Yeah ...." he let his voice trail off.
 
 "Something to do with the Mountie?"
 
 Ray's head jerked up to meet Dan's steady gaze, his own eyes wide with
surprise.
 
 "Give me some credit, Ray." Dan's eyes were tender. "You might be the
detective in this family, but even I could see there's something between
you two."
 
 Ray could not speak for a moment, but when he did, his voice wavered with
some unreadable emotion. 
 
 "Christ, Dan ..."
 
 "Anything you want to talk about?" Dan tilted his head as he tried to
assess Ray's mood. "Or should I just go fuck myself?"
 
 A snort of laughter escaped Ray's lips and he reached for his lover,
tugging him until Dan kneeled on the carpet between his legs.
 
 "How did I get to be so fucking lucky to have you?"
 
 Colouring slightly, Dan shrugged. "Goes both ways, babe."
 
 Ray smiled tenderly and ruffled Dan's damp hair. "I gotta take a shower
or we'll be late."
 
 Dan made no move to let him up. "Ray, I'll listen if you want to talk."
 
 Leaning forward, he kissed Dan firmly. "Later, babe. You don't want to
keep these movie people waiting and I've got to get into my 'director's
wife' outfit."
 
 Dan sat back on his heels and let Ray go.
 
 
 Much later that night after several pleasant hours spent over drinks with
various movie people, the two men staggered into the rococo inspired lift
and headed back to their room.
 
 "Great night!" Dan said as the doors closed and the lift started to move.
 
 Ray reached out and pulled his lover close, staring at their reflection
in the mirrored lift walls. "The woman from HBO hit on me."
 
 Dan laughed as he pressed his cheek to Ray's chest. "So what did you do?"
 
 "Told her I was with you - she said she knew. I think she was hoping for
a threesome."
 
 Both men laughed, snuggling close until the elevator spat them out on
their floor. They didn't speak for a moment until they were inside their
room. Ray moved to the bedroom to take off the charcoal suit he had
purchased for this occasion, his 'director's wife outfit', whilst Dan
snacked on fruit from one of the baskets he had been sent.
 
 
 "So the Mountie never came." Dan's voice floated from the sitting room to
the bedroom.
 
 Ray shrugged out of his Nehru jacket and reached for a hanger. "Didn't
think he would."
 
 "But you watched for him anyway," Dan stated, as he appeared suddenly in
the doorway popping grapes into his mouth.
 
 Ray grinned at Dan's cool observation, unbuttoning his pants and stepping
out of them. "Yeah, I watched for him."
 
 "Is it unfinished business?" 
 
 With pants in hand, Ray stopped and stared at Dan. "No, definitely not.
It's way finished." 
 
 "Come on, Ray, don't make me drag it out of you. I just want to know if
this is something I should be worried about."
 
 Ray tossed the pants on the bed and moved closer. "Fuck, Dan, you got
nothing to worry about." He clasped a hand to the back of Dan's neck and
rested his forehead against his lover's. "It's just that me and Fraser,
well, there's some ... history ..."
 
 A look of relief spread across Dan's face as he pulled back to look at
Ray. 
 
 "The first?"
 
 Ray shrugged, his cheeks colouring slightly. "He wasn't the first guy,
just the first in a while."
 
 With the threat suddenly gone, Dan laughed and moved away, crossing the
room to sit on the bed. 
 
 Ray followed, reaching for the pants he had abandoned, then hung them in
the closet with their matching jacket. 
 
 "Remember I told you how I spent a year in the Yukon?"
 
 Dan nodded, a smile splitting his face as he remembered what Ray had told
him about that trip. "That was him? The sexual athlete? The one you
reckoned had memorised the Gay Kama Sutra?"
 
 Ray nodded, a shy smile on his face as he saw Dan's surprise. He pulled
on a thick white bathrobe and joined his lover on the bed, leaning back
against the plush, royal blue headboard.
 
 Dan shook his head in wonder. "Wow, I can't believe that uptight guy is
the one you told me about."
 
 Ray nodded again and the two men erupted into gales of laughter. When the
moment of frivolity passed, Dan regarded Ray with tender eyes.
 
 "So was today the first time you've seen each other since you broke up?"
 
 "Yeah. Ten years." Ray's eyes drifted off and he stared into the middle
distance. "You know, Fraser had the same look on his face as he did the
day I told him I was leaving."
 
 Dan said nothing. He repositioned himself so he sat cross-legged beside
Ray's outstretched legs and waited.
 
 After a moment, the story began to flow.
 
 "We'd gone into Tuk for supplies. We only went in every couple of weeks,
so we had a lot to do. We were outside the supermarket and Fraser was
going on about what we needed and how we should buy rice instead of pasta
because it packed better, or some bullshit. I just lost it. I said, 'I
can't do this, Fraser' and he just looked at me with his mouth hanging
open. When he didn't say anything I said 'you're driving me fucking crazy'
and then finally he said 'Oh. I see'. I wanted to hit him."
 
 "So what happened?"
 
 "I walked away. I went straight across the street to a travel agent and
booked a flight to Chicago. Fraser just went on with the shopping. He came
back to our hotel after he finished and I told him I was leaving the next
day. He said he understood and then he just let me go."
 
 "How did you feel?"
 
 "It was over, I knew that. It's just that now I guess I feel bad for not
trying harder. He was a good person, the best. He was a great cop, a great
friend, a good guy all round. He's just not the right one for me - never
was."
 
 "It sounds like he was for a while, at least."
 
 Ray nodded his agreement. "You know he said something today ... he said
that we were what we needed to be for each other then."
 
 "Sounds like a wise man."
 
 A gentle smile tugged at Ray's mouth. "He would have liked to hear that.
I never told him stuff like that. I should have."
 
 Dan didn't speak, he just smiled in a way that made Ray's heart swell
with love. 
 
 Looking at his hands, Ray spoke softly. "Fraser said that what we weren't
back then is the way we are now."
 
 Dan's warm hand slipped onto Ray's knee, squeezing slightly.
 
 "You know, it's funny now that I'm with you I see the way I should have
been with Fraser, but I couldn't know that until it was over with him and
I met you. Does that make sense?"
 
 "Yeah."
 
 "I think Fraser knew a long time ago," Ray said, shaking his head at the
incredulity of it. "He moved on. He lives with some Indian guy up in the
hills in Canada. They've been together for seven years."
 
 "And you?"
 
 "I got you."
 
 "Are you sure you got the best end of the deal?" Dan asked, a playful
smile making his eyes shine impossibly bright. "I mean, the Mountie's a
real stud - tall, dark, handsome and ... "
 
 Ray cut him off. "And not you."
 
 Dan's face changed suddenly and when he spoke his voice was low and
serious. "But if you have any doubts ... "
 
 Ray stopped him, lifting one hand to pull Dan close. "No doubts, babe.
None at all. I knew that first night."
 
 Dan's eyes widened and his voice was filled with awe. "You did? You never
said."
 
 "I'm saying now."
 
 Dan leaned forward and covered Ray's mouth with his own, pressing him
down onto the pillows and kissing him fiercely, the way Ray had that first
night. 
 
 As he had that first night, Ray let Dan make sweet, tender love to him,
then later, hold him while he cried for his memories.
 
 
 Comments welcome at mullum@tig.com.au