No Going Back     

Disclaimer and Notes: Alliance owns the Due South characters and concepts.
I'm just borrowing them for the grand tour of the other side of Wonderland
I call Stonyland. Comments and constructive criticism welcome: send to
wenchita@gmail.com. Thanks to Dana Woods, my partner in fanfic crime, for
the online beta-read while I fretted over my first DS fic. 

   No Going Back by Alice in Stonyland    

  

In the stillness of the early morning, Ray leaned against the sliding
glass window in his living room and watched the rain as it fell in thin
sheets. Somehow, it seemed fitting that he stood here, alone, remembering
how his life used to be. He hadn't been able to sleep; the bed had
suddenly seemed too big, too empty, and far too lonely. He'd found himself
trying to rearrange the pillows so that it hadn't seemed that way, and
when his actions had registered in his brain, he'd gotten up in disgust. 

The sound of the rain could barely be heard through the glass. He was
suddenly, painfully, hyperaware of his breathing, of the faint hum of the
refrigerator as the motor kicked on, and of the beat of his heart. 

His heart. 

Stella, his soul whispered. 

He swallowed convulsively, blinking back the tears he refused to admit to
shedding. 

For one wild moment in time, standing in her apartment, it had felt like
they had never parted, like all the misunderstandings and differences that
separated them had never happened. A part of Ray wanted that back.
Unconsciously, his right hand curled into a fist and he raised it to pound
it against the glass. At the last second, knowing he was capable of
putting said fist right through the window, he released his fingers,
splaying them against the glass instead. 

He and Stella had been divorced for months now. By all rights, he knew he
should be over it, but kissing Stella, holding her close again had brought
all the old feelings back, the emotions he hadn't quite been able to let
go. Instinctively he'd known she was right when she'd said they couldn't
make love, knowing in the morning they'd have more regrets to add to the
laundry list of things that hadn't been right in their relationship. Yet
it hadn't stopped him from wanting to touch her again, to feel her bare
skin pressed against his, to hear her breathless cries as she crested a
wave of pleasure; nor had it stopped him from kissing her again. He swore
softly as the memory of making love to her filled his mind, arousing him. 

Love had seemed so simple, so long ago. He and Stella would live out the
rest of their lives, together, like they'd once promised each other in a
childhood vow. "Me and you together forever and ever, and no one will keep
us apart," they'd sworn, even going so far as to make it a blood vow.  

He half-laughed, remembering how he'd believed in that vow. Promises like
that one had been so easy to make back then, and they'd been so naïve to
believe that all they'd needed to make them work was their absolute faith
in each other. They hadn't known that love took work. They'd trusted that
their shared history was enough to make it through the rough times, that
who they were as individuals would never change because they'd never
really changed in all the years they'd known each other. They'd never once
dreamed that they might grow apart, might become different people with
nonparallel dreams and desires. Discovering that particular truth had been
as shocking to Ray as being shot. He closed his eyes as a wave of
bittersweet memories filled his mind.  

She'd always been the one, the one he'd spun his deepest fantasies and
dreams around, the one he'd always wanted. She'd been the first for so
many things in his life; it was hard to imagine a time when she hadn't
been right there to experience whatever life had thrown his way as it
happened. She had been his lady, the one for whom he slew the assorted
dragons of the world, and he'd thought that was what she would always be.
It didn't seem right that their love had had to end. Yet it had, and he
hadn't wanted to accept that hard truth. Like a child ordered to go to bed
on time, he'd begged for one more chance, then had thrown a fit when he
hadn't gotten his way. 

He'd loved her like he'd loved no one else. Stella was everything that had
been good and right in his world, the one person he trusted more than
anyone. The hurt he felt at her leaving couldn't be put into words, but
nothing had driven home the fact that she had left more than finding out
that she was with someone else. That she was happy without him. 

It wasn't supposed to work out that way. She was supposed to be as
miserable as he was. She was supposed to be the one with the broken heart,
not him. The worst part of it all was that he had no one left to turn to
who understood him the way she had. What was he supposed to do when his
best friend, his first real love, his childhood sweetheart had said that
they were through? 

Silently, he acknowledged he'd been obsessed with her, knew it hadn't been
right to fool himself into believing that all he was doing was protecting
her, the way he always had. He hadn't wanted to believe that she could and
was going on without him; she'd certainly always been his anchor, the one
person who had understood and supported him when the world had seemed
against him. It had seemed inconceivable that she had built a life that
didn't include him, especially since he knew she still cared about him.
His world had been Stella; playing the hero for her had been the role he'd
willingly accepted, and without her, his life had little to define it. The
yawning chasm of emptiness and loneliness that loomed ahead of him had
seemed insurmountable to cross, and he hadn't wanted to face it. He'd been
with her for so long, he had nothing to fall back on to use as a basis for
being without her. 

Ray sighed deeply and opened his eyes. There was nothing to be gained by
mooning over her any more than he already had. He had to find the strength
to move on, to accept that what he wanted -- a relationship with Stella
like they had once shared -- could not be and would never be. He'd crossed
a line when he'd spied on her, even if it had ended up saving her life and
exposed her boyfriend to be a fraud. He'd seen the recrimination in her
eyes, the look that had asked him what the hell had he been thinking. 

He snorted, too well aware that he hadn't been thinking. He'd just
reacted, shutting his mind to the consequences, trusting that he'd be able
to talk his way out of any trouble that he encountered. He'd always been
more inclined to action than not. Now, in hindsight, he knew that he'd
risked far more than he'd intended. His behavior towards Stella could've
cost him his career, and being a cop was all that he had left.. He
couldn't screw that up; too many people were counting on him to do the
right thing. 

For a moment, he wished he could go back in time and fix what went wrong.
He stared out at the rain and shook his head at his foolishness. There was
no going back now; Stella had changed and so had he. They weren't the same
people who'd played house in what seemed a million lifetimes ago; she had
a thriving career, and no matter what he said, she wouldn't be the woman
he'd once dreamed of bearing his children. He had to move on, even though
it felt like someone had removed a section of his heart without the
benefit of an anesthetic. If staying away from her was the only thing he
could do to make Stella happy, he'd do it. He knew he'd always love her in
the part of his heart that he'd reserved for her back when they were just
kids. 

It didn't mean, though, that he had to like it. 

*** Finis **** 

9.15.99 

Stonyland Fiction