Scared Of It All    Scared Of It All by Iris Gray

 Author's webpage: http://victoria.tc.ca/~wy236/fic.html

 Author's notes: Poem "Scared of It All" is written by Robert Service and
can be found on the website http://www.rwservice.com

  

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 Scared Of It All 

 

 I'm scared of it all, God's truth! So I am; It's too big and brutal for
me.
 My nerve's on the raw and I don't give a damn For all the "hoorah" that I
see.
 I'm pinned between subway and overhead train, Where automobillies swoop
down:
 Oh, I want to go back to the timber again - I'm scared of this terrible
town. 

 I want to go back to my lean, ashen plains; My rivers that flash into
foam;
 My ultimate valleys where solitude reigns; My trail from Fort Churchill
to Nome.
 My forests packed full of mysterious gloom, My ice-fields agrind and
aglare:
 The city is deadfalled with danger and doom - I know that I'm safer up
there. 

 I watch the wan faces that flash in the street; All kind and all classes
I see.
 Yet never a one in the million I meet
 Has the smile of a comrade for me.
 Just jaded and panting like dogs in a pack; Just tensed and intent on the
goal;
 O God! but I'm lonesome - I wish I was back, Up there in the land of the
Pole. 

 I wish I was back on the Hunger Plateau And seeking the lost caribou;
 I wish I was up where the Coppermine flows To the kick of my little
canoe.
 I'd like to be far on some weariful shore, In the land of the Blizzard
and Bear;
 Oh I wish I was snug in the Arctic once more, For I know I am safer up
there! 

 I prowl in the canyons of dismal unrest I cringe - I'm so weak and so
small.
 I can't get my bearings, I'm crushed and oppressed, With the haste and
the waste of it all. The slaves and the madman, the lust and the sweat,
The fear in the faces I see;
 The getting, the spending, the fever, the fret - It's too bleeding cruel
for me. 

 I feel it's all wrong but I can't tell you why - The palace, the hovel
next door;
 The insolent towers that sprawl to the sky, The crush and the rush and
the roar.
 I'm trapped like a fox and I fear for my pelt; I cower in the crash and
the glare;
 Oh I want to be back in the avalanche belt, For I know that it's safer up
there! 

 I'm scared of it all: Oh, afar I can hear The voice of my solitudes call!
 We're nothing but brute with a little veneer; And nature is best after
all.
 There's tumult and terror abroad in the street; There's menace and doom
in the air;
 I've got to get back to my thousand-mile beat; The trail where the cougar
and silver-tip meet; The snow and the campfire, with wolf at my feet. 

 Goodbye, for it's safer up there. 

 --"I'm Scared of it All" by Robert Service 

 Benton Fraser closed the book of Service poems and tucked it in to his
pack. //Service was right// he said to himself. //It is safer up there. I
don't belong here//. Suddenly he took the book out again and bookmarked
the page he'd just finished reading. He lay it on the kitchen table and
stuck a piece of paper on it marked "Ray." Then he hoisted his pack,
called to Diefenbaker and looked around at the tiny apartment that had
been his 'home' for two years. 

 "Goodbye, " he said softly. "Goodbye, for it's safer up there." Then he
walked out the door. 

 Earlier that day 

 

 "Fraser! Why did you let him go? We chased him for six blocks and then
you let him GO?" Ray Vecchio yelled at his partner. 

 "I let him go because he didn't steal that woman's purse, Ray," said
Fraser calmly. 

 Ray looked as if he was going to have a stroke. "And how did you know
THAT?"	

 Fraser regarded his friend. "Well, there are ways to tell when a person
is lying, Ray. Heartbeat, respiration, a certain look in the eyes..." 

 "That's not our JOB, Frasier! That's up to the courts, not us! We just
bring 'em in! The lawyers do the rest!" 

 "Well, if we know someone is innocent before arresting them, why waste
the court's time? Isn't it more efficient this way?" inquired the Mountie.
He and Ray were walking back to Ray's Riviera. 

 "Benny, nobody around here CARES about efficiency! That's just the way
things are! We chase bad guys. We catch bad guys. Bad guys go to court,
and if bad guys are guilty, they hopefully go to jail. If the guys we
catch aren't guilty, they hope they have a good lawyer." 

 "That doesn't sound very fair, Ray. That young man would never have been
able to afford a good lawyer." 

 "That's what legal aid is for," replied Ray. 

 "But wouldn't it make more sense if we just released that young man and
concentrated on finding the real culprit?" 

 "Benny, just forget it! You let him go, it's over and done with. Spare me
the guilt trip." 

 "What guilt trip, Ray?" Benny asked as he got in to the car. 

 "Never mind, Benny." 

 As they drove toward Fraser's apartment on West Racine, the Canadian
tried to get Ray to see his point of view on the purse-snatching suspect
that he had caught and then released. As they were pulling up in front of
the apartment building, Vecchio exploded. 

 "Look, Frasier, I already told you to forget it! Leave it alone! You just
don't GET it! You don't belong here! Go back up to the Arctic. Go
somewhere where you can do things your way. Let me do my job the way I did
it before you arrived!" 

 "Very well, Ray," said Fraser softly, turning his head so that Ray didn't
see the look he was afraid was showing on his face. "Thank you for the
ride. Goodbye." And he shut the car door and went in to his apartment
building, Diefenbaker trotting at his heels. 

 He removed his backpack from the closet. He'd carried everything he owned
in it when he'd arrived in Chicago, and it would carry everything back to
the North. He didn't know what he'd do when he got there - he was not very
popular with the RCMP and it was only because they had no legitimate
reason to fire him that he still worked for them. No one would want to
give him a posting in Canada. His reputation would precede him, no matter
where he went. 

 Well, his father's cabin was still there. He knew how to set a trap line.
Subsistence hunting was legal. The Inuit families that lived nearby didn't
particularly care about RCMP internal politics - he could probably do some
odd jobs for them in return for things he needed. Barter was a common
practice where he came from. 

 When he found the Robert Service book he stopped and read a few poems,
ending with "I'm Scared of it All." He decided to leave the book behind
for Ray to read, hoping that the poem would explain why he'd left. Of
course, there was another reason he was leaving - and that reason was Ray
himself. //It's safer up there - where your best friend doesn't break your
heart// he said to himself, as he finished packing. He left the book on
the table and headed for the train station. 

 

 By the time Ray had finished his paperwork, it was getting late. He
shoved the files haphazardly into the filing cabinet and headed home. When
he arrived, his mother was waiting for him. "Raymondo, you're late," she
snapped. 

 "Sorry, Ma, I had a lot of work to do. You know how it is." 

 "I thought you were bringing Benton with you tonight," Mrs Vecchio
reminded him. 

 Ray groaned to himself. Benny! He'd invited the Mountie to dinner. Damn.
"Um...I kind of had a disagreement with Benny, Ma." 

 The small but formidable Italian woman gave Ray a very direct glare that
made him shudder. "What did you say to him, Raymondo?" 

 "I, uh, I told him he doesn't belong here, that he should go back to the
Arctic." 

 "And *why* did you tell him that, Raymond?" 

 "We were chasing a suspect, and Frasier let him go," Ray explained. 

 "Did he tell you why?" Mama Vecchio asked. 

 "Yeah, he said that the kid was innocent. Kid said he didn't do it, and
Frasier believed him." 

 "Was he?" 

 "Was he *what*, Ma?" 

 "Was he innocent? Benton believed he was, or he would not have let him
go." 

 "I don't know, Ma! Benny questioned him, not me." 

 "Raymondo, you said you told Benton to go back to the Arctic. Do you want
him to go?" 

 "No, I don't!" cried Ray. "I don't want him to go. I l - ." 

 "You what, Raymondo?" 

 "I love him, Ma." 

 "Have you told him?" Mrs. Vecchio asked. 

 "No," said Ray miserably. 

 "Then you should, and the sooner the better." 

 "You don't mind?" Ray asked in surprise. 

 "Raymondo, I have seen many worse things in my life than two men who love
each other. Love is not a bad thing. Now, go to Benton and talk to him. " 

 "Yes, Ma." Ray kissed his mother on the cheek and hurried to Benny's
apartment. 

 Ray ran up the stairs two at a time. He was suddenly very eager to see
Benny. He'd only recently put a label on his feelings for his partner - he
was in love with the man. It was kind of strange, if he stopped to think
about it - he didn't usually fall for members of his own sex, though there
had been a few 'experiments' when he was younger. But he didn't stop to
think about it. He had to see Benny, to apologize for what he'd said, and
tell him how he really felt. He just hoped Benny felt the same way. Or at
least didn't think Ray had suddenly fallen off the deep end. 

 The door to Benny's apartment was never locked, and Ray walked in without
bothering to knock. What he say stunned him. The apartment was empty. None
of Benny's things remained. 

 Benny was gone. 

 //He took me seriously? He left?// Then he answered himself. //What did
you expect him to do, Vecchio? You're his best friend - probably his only
friend. You pushed him away. You told him he doesn't belong here. What was
there for him to do?// 

 Ray looked around for some evidence that might tell him where his friend
had gone. He saw the book on the table and opened it to the marked page.
As he read the poem, tears ran down his face. The last line said it all -
"Goodbye, for it's safer up there." Ray sank in to a chair. Benny was
going back up north. He was going home. He'd probably never see Benny
again. Benny would probably never *want* to see him again. 

 He had to find out where Fraser had gone. He ran downstairs in search of
Dennis, the building manager. But all Dennis knew was that Fraser was paid
up until the end of the month, and that he'd left his keys in an envelope
shoved under the door. 

 Ray went back up to Benny's apartment to think. Where could Benny have
gone? Airport? No, Benny wouldn't be able to afford a plane ticket. Bus?
They had a few bad memories regarding the bus station. Train? Yes! Benny
usually travelled by train when he went to his father's cabin. He pulled
out his cell phone and called the train station, only to find out that the
last train going north had already left. He was too late. Ray put his head
down in his hands and sobbed. 

 He almost didn't hear the door open. 

 "Ray?" came a familiar voice. Benny stood in the doorway. Ray jumped up. 

 "Benny! I thought you'd...I thought you'd gone." 

 "I wasn't in time to catch the last train going north. I'm leaving in the
morning. I didn't want to spend the night in the train station, so I came
back here," explained Fraser. He was surprised to see what looked like
tears staining Ray's cheeks. 

 Ray hesitantly approached his friend. "Benny...I'm sorry for the things I
said. I didn't mean them. " 

 "Yes you did, Ray. You were right. I don't belong here." 

 "But you do, Benny! You belong here - you belong with me." 

 "Ray, you said that I should let you do your job the way you did it
before I arrived. To me, that means I don't belong with you," the Mountie
stated. 

 "I was wrong! I was angry, Benny. But most of all, I was scared. When you
were chasing that kid - he could have pulled a gun on you, like Willy did
that time, remember? And you were so far ahead of me, I couldn't have got
there in time to help you. I was scared - scared of losing you." 

 "Then why did you tell me to go back to the Arctic?" Benny asked. 

 "Because like the poem said, you're safer up there. That's your
territory. I don't want you to get hurt or get killed running around
Chicago after purse snatchers. And maybe it's selfish of me, but I don't
want you to leave, either. I'm sorry - I guess I'm not making much sense."


 "Ray, what are you trying to tell me?" 

 "I love you, Benny." 

 "You do?" asked Fraser in a hushed tone. "You love me?" 

 "Yeah, Benny, I love you. I - I understand if you don't feel the same
about me. If you really want to leave, I can't stop you..." 

 Fraser put his hand up to Ray's lips to stop him from saying anything
more, then replaced the hand with his own lips. He kissed Ray gently,
softly, then drew back and looked the Italian directly in the eyes. "I
love you, Ray," he said. "I won't leave." 

 Ray couldn't say anything. He was too choked up, too full of emotions
that were threatening to spill over at any moment. He threw his arms
around Benny and held him as tightly as he could. Finally he found his
voice, but all he could say, over and over again was his lover's name:
"Benny...Benny...Benny." 

 "I was wrong, Ray," said Benny. 

 Ray pulled back and looked at him. "Wrong about what?" he asked. 

 Benny picked up the book of poems and opened it again to the page he had
marked. He pointed to one stanza, which said, 

 "I watch the wan faces that flash in the street; All kind and all classes
I see.
 Yet never a one in the million I meet
 Has the smile of a comrade for me." 

 "I was wrong about that," Fraser said again. "You are the one in a
million, Ray, the one who has a smile for me." He gestured toward the
bedroom. "Come to bed with me, Ray?" 

 Ray's eyes widened. "You really want me, Benny?" 

 "Yes, Ray, I do." He took Ray's hands and placed it on the front of his
trousers. "Can't you tell?" 

 "Oh yeah, I can *definitely* tell," Ray laughed. He followed Benny in to
the bedroom, where they undressed quickly and lay down together. 

 "I've never really done this with a guy before, Benny. I mean, I've done
a few things...but not a lot." 

 "I don't have very much experience either, Ray, but I know that I want
you. I'm sure we can figure out the rest." 

 Ray kissed his love. "I love you, Benny. I'll always love you." 

 "I love you too, Ray," replied Benny. "Always." 

 END 

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