Second Chances    

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans.
The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the
creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the
McKenzies and friends belong to me; Cat Madden belongs to Carol Trendall
and is used with permission. No infringement of any copyrights held by
CBS, Alliance, CTV or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is
intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not
give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit. 

Second Chances 

By Cassandra Hope 

(Copyright April 1997) 

Trying to sum up his perceptions of the Grand Canyon in a sentence or less
reminded him of the many seemingly impossible assignments in high school
English. Then as now he was tempted to take the easy way out. There were
too many superlatives that fit but none could adequately describe the
scale of emotions that assaulted a person standing on the South Rim and
gazing more than a mile down into the bowels of the earth. 

"I give up, Benny! I can't do it!" Ray shaded his eyes with his hand. Even
with his Ray-Ban's the glare of the noonday sun was staggering. 

"Of course you can, Ray. Just say the first word that pops into your
mind." Used to sunlight reflected from snow, Ben simply shaded his face
with the Chicago Bulls ball cap Ray had given him. As much as he would
have preferred his Stetson, this trip was no place for it. 

Ray Vecchio gave his friend a 'you're kidding' look and turned to gaze
back down into the canyon. Thoughts flew furiously back and forth in his
mind as he leaned forward to get a better look. A rock at his feet shifted
and slid over the edge clattering as it fell. Jumping back at the sound,
Ray knew the word he had been searching for. "Terrified. Yeah, that's the
word...terrified." 

"Terrified? I don't understand." Ben scratched an itch beneath the neck of
the RCMP T-shirt he wore. 

Setting his chin in a stubborn line, Ray repeated, "Terrified. You know,
scared shitless." 

"Yes, I am familiar with the correct definition of the word. What I don't
understand is how that word can be applied to the vista before us." His
arm swept out encompassing their surroundings. 

In a voice usually reserved for his nieces and nephews, Ray explained,
"Well, ya see, Benny, it's very easy. That canyon is deep--I mean really
deep--and standing here looking down into it can only be described as
terrifying hence the word terrified. That's an awful long way to fall."
Confident that he'd explained his choice of words satisfactorily, he
pointed toward the bowels of the canyon. "Are you telling me that that
speck of green down there is the Colorado River? The same river we're
going to be floating down?" 

"Yes, Ray, that's the Colorado River and we'll be down on it so there's no
danger of falling off a cliff." Ben also had heard the clatter of the
falling rock. 

Ray shot a glance at the Mountie then grinned. "Well then isn't that a
long way up?" 

Benton Fraser, RCMP, returned the grin and the two wandered back over the
path from the rim to the parking lot where the royal blue bus with Hunter
Expeditions in silvery letters on the side waited for them. Other members
of the group were already assembled there, some taking advantage of the
shade cast by the vehicle. The two men studied the others of the group.
Counting themselves, there were fifteen participants. The others included
three geologists, two high school teachers, a young couple, two park
rangers, a geography professor, and three of his students. An additional
four boatmen would augment the group when they reached Lee's Ferry. The
other boatmen were transporting the various boats and rafts that would be
used by the group to the departure point for their venture into the
Canyon. 

Among that group, Ben and Ray stuck out like sore thumbs. 

At the sound of approaching footsteps, they turned to see the Hunter
brothers approaching from the direction of the Park Headquarters. Travis
motioned with his hand and soon everyone stood in the shade cast by the
bus.  

Travis spoke, answering the myriad questions that were directed at him.
"Dr. Martin is out of recovery and as soon as possible we'll check with
him to find out how he is. On the other point, we still have not heard
from BakTrak." Noticing the concerned looks on the faces of several of the
group, he hastily added, "Don't worry folks! If I know the people at
BakTrak they will have a replacement for Dr. Martin out here before the
day is over and whoever it is will be more that able to fill his shoes. In
all the years that we've been affiliated with BakTrak we've never known
them to offer anything less than 'exceptional' and I know they won't
disappoint you now." 

Terry nodded his head in agreement and added, "You've paid good money to
be part of one of the best excursions currently offered for the Grand
Canyon. We promise to provide you with that if for no other reason than to
maintain our reputation as one of the top Canyon outfitters." 

"Amen to that!" Travis said then asked, "Has everyone had a chance to
visit the rim? Get your souvenirs? Good. Then if everyone will load on the
bus, we'll head up to Lee's Ferry for our first night on the river." After
a brief moment of shuffling around, the tiny group climbed aboard the bus
and settled onto the hard seats.  

"Man, I hate school buses!" Ray grumped as he followed Ben up the steps. 

"School buses were a luxury where I grew up, Ray. I had to..." 

"I know--walk ten miles one-way uphill in snow three feet deep and that
was just in the summer." Ray watched as Ben slid into a seat and scooted
over next to the window. 

"Ray, I didn't go to school in the summertime although my grandparents
insisted that I continue my studies even though school wasn't in session."


Ray knelt on the seat in front of Ben. "But the rest of it's the truth,
ain't it?" 

"Well, I only walked eight miles and it was only uphill on the way back." 

Ray waved his hand in the air. "See, I told ya. You don't have any idea
how uncomfortable riding in a school bus can be." 

"Is anyone sitting here?" 

Both men turned to stare at the young woman standing beside the seat where
Ben now sat. Medium height with auburn tresses, Mara Taylor had already
sized up the male contingent of the group and had set her sights on Benton
Fraser. 

Ben turned his 'deer-in-the-headlights' look on Ray. Ray quickly slid from
his seat and stood beside Mara. "Yeah, I'll be sitting with my partner,
Ms...?" 

"Taylor, Mara Taylor. Call me Mara," she purred as she smiled suggestively
at Ben. 

"Mara...Mara! Come on back here with the rest of us," Dave McMillian, the
geography professor, called to the girl. She was one of the three graduate
students he had brought with him to study fluvial processes within the
canyon.  

"Shit," Mara muttered then turned a brilliant smile on Ben. "I'll talk
with you later." 

"Whoa, Benny! That girl wants you bad," Ray said as Mara sauntered to the
back of the bus and settled onto a seat with one of the other graduate
students. 

"Wants me for what, Ray?" 

Ray turned disbelieving eyes on Ben, shook his head, and sighed. It was
going to be a long trip. * * * 

Ray opened the bag containing his new backpacking tent. "Let's see now,
where are the damn instructions." He dug through the narrow bag pulling
forth the tent, the stakes, the supports, and finally, at the bottom of
the bag, the instructions for assembling the tent. Settling onto the
ground, he read the first page and started on the second. 

"Need some help, Ray?" Ben offered. 

"Nah, I think I can manage." Ray laid aside the instructions and fumbled
with the support rods. 

"You know, Ray, you really don't need a tent." Ben stood with his feet
slightly apart and, tipping his head back, inhaled the dry desert air. 

"Maybe you don't need one 'cause you're used to sleeping outside but I
ain't. No tent...no trip." Ray dropped the support rods and grabbed the
tent. 

Ben watched Ray as he fumbled with the tent. Making a quick decision, he
gathered the support rods and fit them together then gently pried the now
hopelessly wadded tent from Ray's hands. He expertly and efficiently fed
the support rods through the loops and the tent sprang into shape. A quick
tap on the stakes and the tent was ready to go. Gathering the instructions
and the stake bag, he stuffed them in the larger bag and handed it to Ray.
"Here you go, Ray." 

"Thanks, Benny. I would've figured it out, ya know." Although his answer
was tendered in a whine, Ray was secretly pleased that Ben had been able
to assemble the tent.  

"I know you would have, Ray. I just saved you the hassle."  

"You're a good friend, Benny, the best." Ray tossed the rest of his
equipment into the tent. He could deal with that later. "Hey, Benny," he
said as he rose to his feet. 

"Yes, Ray?" Ben quirked an eyebrow. 

"Where you gonna sleep?" 

"Well, I thought I would sleep out here." Ben waved in a vague direction
toward the group of people. Mara waved back at them. 

Ray cocked an eyebrow and glanced between Ben and Mara. "Uh, Benny, don't
you think, maybe, that you should sleep in my tent so that Ms. Hot-to-Trot
doesn't crawl into bed with you?" 

Ben's eyes grew wide and he shot a quick glance at Mara. "You don't think
she would, do you?" 

"I don't know, Benny. Maybe you'll find out tonight." Ray grinned and
waggled his eyebrow. 

Gulping, Ben gathered his bedroll and placed it inside the tent with Ray's
things. "I'll think I'll sleep in the tent with you tonight, Ray. Just so
you don't feel lonely." 

"Yeah sure, Benny, anything you say." Ray smiled to himself; he had not
wanted to spend the first night on the river alone in a tent. Mara had
provided a convenient distraction. 

The two men turned when they heard the approach of one of the small trucks
that had hauled the boats to their launching site. Skidding to a halt,
Travis climbed from the cab of the pickup and motioned for the group to
gather around him. When all were present, his face broke into an
infectious grin.  

"I've got good news for you. I talked with Colin and he is going to be
fine. He extends his apologies for not being able to be here with you and
hopes you will find his replacement acceptable." There were mumbles of
concern emanating from the group gathered around Travis. 

The grin on his face broadened as Travis held up his hands in excitement.
"Folks, you are in for a treat! Colin's replacement will be none other
than Dr. Philippe McKenzie herself. She's the original developer of this
trip and knows the area inside out and her trips tend to...well, let's
just say that you get more for your money on one of Phil's trips. So,
you'll be in very capable hands. From what I understand, she's flying out
and should be here within the hour." 

Well known in her field, the news that Dr. McKenzie would lead this
excursion was met with eager acceptance. The group broke up and chatter
continued as each attended to the chores of setting up camp. Terry had
already left to meet Phil at the small dirt airstrip that served Lee's
Ferry and the surrounding countryside. After meeting her plane, they would
return to the group camped on the river. 

"Hey, Benny, you know anything about this Dr. McKenzie?" Ray queried. When
there was no answer Ray glanced over his shoulder then spun around and
stared at the Mountie. Ben was as white as a sheet. Worried that maybe Ben
had injured his back while assembling the tent or something similar, he
grasped Ben's arm and asked, "Benny, are you all right? Speak to me, man!
What is it? Is you back bothering you?" 

Ben shook his head and focused his eyes on Ray. "I'm sorry, Ray. What did
you say?" 

"I asked if your back was bothering you." 

"No, before that." Ben licked lips that were suddenly dry. 

Ray frowned. "I asked if you knew anything about this Dr. McKenzie and I
turned to see you looking like you'd seen a ghost. What gives?" He
followed Ben over to their tent and watched as Ben raked a hand through
his hair. Something was bothering his friend and his gut instincts said it
had something to do with this McKenzie woman.  

"Do you know this Dr. McKenzie?" he asked, suddenly wondering if there
were anymore 'Victoria's' in Ben's past. His stomach clenched in dread.
"Is she another 'bitch' from hell? Do I need my gun?" He felt slightly
naked without his firearms and didn't relish the thought of two weeks
without them--especially if this McKenzie woman was anything like
Victoria. 

"No, of course not, Ray. You're just being silly." He ran his thumb across
his eyebrow. "I...I used to know a...a Phil McKenzie." Ben stammered as he
spoke the name that he'd refused to say to either Becka or Cat. "I...I
don't know if this is the same one. The one I knew taught at...lived in
Colorado." He swallowed heavily, gathering his scattered wits. It couldn't
be her, could it? Surely fate couldn't be that cruel. It couldn't be her.
He caught a glimpse of Ray's face and recalled Ray's question. "She
definitely was not a 'bitch' from hell!" Ben answered as he slowly shook
his head then turned and started toward the group of people gathered
around the kitchen area. 

"Whoa! Where do you think you're going?" Ray asked as he laid a hand on
Ben's arm. 

Ben glanced down at Ray's hand surprised to see it there. "I...I thought I
would ask Travis about...about Dr. McKenzie. Find out if she," he
swallowed heavily, "if she is the Phil I used to know." There was a glazed
look in his eyes. "I need to know, to prepare..." He weaved away and
approached Travis. 

Ray watched the exchange between the two men. When Ben returned the glazed
look had been replaced by panic. There was no mistaking it. Ben's first
words confirmed it.  

"Ray, we need to leave. We need to leave now before she gets here. This
was a mistake...how could this happen? It's been over twelve years..." Ben
pulled his backpack from the tent and haphazardly began stuffing whatever
his hands fell on into it. 

Ray was dumbfounded by Ben's panicked actions. No doubt about it, Ben knew
this McKenzie woman and, contrary to what he might have said, she had to
be a real witch. It was all too obvious to Ray; Ben was terrified of
meeting her once more. What had she done to him? What could possibly be
worse than what Victoria had done? Why did all the women from Ben's past
have to be bitches with chips the size of Lake Michigan on their
shoulders? Thinking of Cat, Ray modified that thought, 'Most of the
women.'  

Ray pulled the backpack from his friend's hands and set it back inside the
tent. He pulled Ben to his feet and led him down to the water's edge.
"Okay, Benny, out with it. What's going on? You know we can't just pack up
and leave. Hell, there ain't no way to get away from here besides stealing
a vehicle and taking off. Don't you think I've already checked it out?" He
watched Ben struggle to gain control of himself. There were more emotions
flitting across Ben's face than Ray had ever seen and that in itself set
warning bells ringing in the back of Ray's mind. 

Ben turned away from Ray's probing stare and gazed across the river,
struggling with his scattered thoughts. How to explain it to Ray? How
could he explain it to Ray when he couldn't explain it to himself? He took
several deep steadying breaths and, in a voice barely louder than the
sounds of the river, began, "Dr. McKenzie and I once had a...had a...a
relationship. It...it ended badly." His voice ended on a whisper. 

Ray groaned then angrily kicked a rock that skittered down to the water's
edge. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. I knew it! I just knew it! Another 'bitch' from
hell. Jeez, Benny, how do you manage to collect them? What happened? Is
she anything like Victoria?" 

Startled by Ray's vehement outburst, Ben's mouth dropped open. Closing it,
he shook his head. In a voice closer to its normal tone, he answered Ray.
"No, Phil is nothing like Victoria. Phil is as different from Victoria as
night is from day." 

Ray waved his hands in the air. "But you just said that your relationship
ended badly. How badly? I mean, are we going to have a screaming fit when
she sees you?" Ray buried a finger in Ben's chest. "Am I gonna have to
throw myself between you two to keep you from killing each other? Give me
some clues here, Benny. What should I expect? How did your relationship
end?" 

Distressed by the turn of events, Ben could not meet Ray's eyes. Instead,
he stared at Ray's shoes. "I...I broke off the relationship I had with
Phil when I met Victoria." The words tumbled out. 

Ray's eyes widened. "You did what? You ditched this woman? For Victoria?"
The disgust was plain to hear. Warning bells again rang in Ray's
mind--something Cat had said. Was this the woman Cat had mentioned? The
one Ben had strange ideas about? 

"I made a mistake that I have paid dearly for, Ray. Now, it's come back to
haunt me." He smiled ruefully before raising his head to face Ray. "You
know, Phil once asked me if I had ever done something so stupid that it
haunted me. At that time there was nothing. Now I know exactly what she
meant." 

Ray turned at the sound of a jeep pulling up to the campsite. He watched
as a slender woman climbed out of the jeep and threw her arms around
Travis. She kissed him soundly and laughed at something he said. Ray
briefly wondered what it was about dark-headed women that attracted Ben
before inclining his head and saying, "Benny, if I'm not mistaken, that
must be your Dr. McKenzie." 

Ben shot a quick glance over his shoulder only catching a glimpse of the
woman's profile. It didn't matter; her image was engraved on his heart. "I
can't face her just yet, Ray." With that he scurried down the bank and
beetled downstream away from the campsite. Ray scrambled to join him. 

They walked in silence for over half a mile. Finally, Ray called a halt.
"Listen, Benny, I know you have to work this out but don't you think we've
gone far enough? Shouldn't we head back or something? How about we just
sit here for awhile and rest our legs." Ray shook first his right leg then
his left before sitting down on the bank and pulling off his shoes. "Did
ya ever see so much sand? And we're nowhere near an ocean like I would
have preferred!" He poured liberal quantities of sand from each shoe then
carefully stretched his toes. "Man, that feels good." 

Ben stared at the wispy clouds that slowly flitted across the azure sky
then glanced down at the man seated on the bank. Shaking his head, he
joined Ray on the ground. 

"Come on now take your shoes off." Ray leaned over and jerked Ben's
shoelaces undone. "Loosen up, Benny, you're strung tighter than a drum." 

Ben swatted at Ray's hands and he drew them back in mock alarm. Drawing
his knees up, he retied his shoelaces and rested his forearms on his
knees. He stared across the river lost in thought.  

They sat in companionable silence for awhile before Ray broached the
subject of Phil. "Do you want to talk about it?" Ben shook his head. "I
understand, Benny, but if you ever do feel like talking, I'm here for you,
buddy." 

"Thanks, Ray. It's not that I don't want to talk about it. It's just that
there isn't that much to tell." 

"Ah." Ray nodded his head. 

Ben looked over at Ray, analyzing the patented expression of indifference,
and asked, "Ah?" 

"Yeah, 'ah'." 

"What does 'ah' mean?" 

"'Ah' means any damn thing I want it to mean." 

"And now?" 

"Now? Now it means 'ah'." 

"Oh." Ben nodded his head. 

Ray shook his head, "Not 'oh'...'ah'!" 

"Ray, Ray, Ray." Ben shook his head. "Sometimes you can be so...so..." 

Ray placed a hand to his chest. "Moi?" Mischief warred with laughter in
the depths of his hazel eyes. "Now you know how I feel with so many of our
conversations." He leaned back on his elbows and continued, "Now, Benny,
you know I'm going to keep after you 'til you talk. So, why don't you just
tell me what the problem is and stop beating about the bush?" 

Puzzled, Ben glanced first right then left then asked, "What bush, Ray? As
you can well see, I am not beating a bush. I'm sitting right here beside
you." 

"All right, already! How about 'beating about the 'proverbial' bush'?" 

"Ah, the 'proverbial' bush. As in a proverb or saying about a bush." Ben
pondered that for a moment before responding, "I'm sorry, Ray, I don't
believe I know of any proverbs about bushes. However, I am reminded of an
Inuit tale of how the wolverine and the mountain lion came to an
understanding over who..." He caught the look in Ray's eyes and his story
trailed off. 

"Fraser, just what in hell does a lion and a wolverine have to do with a
bush?" 

"Nothing, Ray, but the essence of the story deals with the..." 

"That's it! That's it! I'm leaving! Try to have a nice mano-y-mano talk
with you and I end up listening to tales of animals I don't know and don't
want to know!" He reached for his shoes and rose to his knees. 

Ben put out a restraining hand. "I'm sorry, Ray, I guess I use Inuit
stories as a defense mechanism." 

"You most certainly do! In fact, I'm convinced that most of the stories
you tell are made up on the spot! I bet no self-respecting Inuit would
recognize half the stories you tell." Ray reseated himself and placed his
shoes out of the way. 

Ben smiled and his eyes took on a far way look. "Phil has a lot of
stories, too." He paused and refocused his eyes on Ray's face. "You'd
probably enjoy hers more, though." Taking a deep breath, he continued,
"I...I can't explain about Phil, Ray. Knowing her was like...like trying
to grasp the wind." His hand closed on empty air then slowly uncurled.
Staring at his hand, his voice softened and dropped in volume.
"Sometimes...sometimes she was like a gentle breeze, sometimes a howling
vortex, sometimes cold and biting, sometimes hot and steamy..." His voice
faltered as memories of kisses and entwined bodies seared his thoughts.
"She could shift direction and intensity with the flip of a coin. I never
knew what to expect next." 

Lost in memory, Ben never saw the speculative look on Ray's face. "It took
a lot of effort to get to know the 'real' Phil McKenzie." His voice died
as a lump settled in his throat. He stared across the river once more.	

Ray waited patiently for Ben to continue. He was afraid that if he said
something, Ben would clam up and this momentary baring of his soul would
disappear and Ray would lose a chance to understand what was going on in
his friend's head. 

With a tiny smile curving his mouth, Ben continued in a voice as distant
as his memories, "It was a battle all the way. She doesn't fight fair. But
I got to know the 'real' Phil McKenzie and the time I spent with her..."
He drew in a deep breath and released it with an audible sigh, "was the
happiest I have ever known." 

Intrigued, Ray wondered just who this McKenzie woman was. The way Ben
spoke of her made her seem to be something special. But if she was that
special then how did Victoria fit into the picture? And Ben had said that
he left this McKenzie woman for Victoria. She must not have been all that
special if Ben could have left her for that bitch. One thing was certain,
Ben's seemingly nonexistent love life was not what it had
seemed--Victoria, Cat, and now Phil. Would this McKenzie woman be like Cat
or more like Victoria? Maybe he should find out now before they got too
far into this trek to get out of it easily. Maybe he should just go and
grill the snot out of her right now. 

Ben felt the gentle pressure of Ray's hand on his shoulder. He took
several deep breaths. "Ray, I uh...I could do with some time alone. Could
you...?" 

"No problemo, Benny. I'll head on back and you just take all the time you
need. I think I just might check out your Dr. McKenzie. Wouldn't hurt to
know what we're up against." He graced Ben's profile with a penetrating
look. "Answer me one quick question before I meet her." He waited until
Ben was looking at him. "Back at the motel you said you had planned to
raft the Canyon with a geologist friend. I assumed then that your friend
had died by the way you talked. Would this McKenzie woman happen to be
that friend?" Ben bowed his head then nodded. "I see." Ray slid his shoes
on, gave Ben's shoulder another squeeze, and headed back to camp. 

Ben watched him go, thankful for such an understanding friend. * * * 

Phil climbed out of the jeep and was swept into an embrace by Travis. She
threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. Travis smiled down at her
and hugged her close. "I told you you'd be back. Couldn't stay away from
me. Are you going to marry me now?" He tweaked her nose as he asked. 

Phil laughed and batted his hand away. Pulling free of his arms, she
planted her hands on her hips and in a mock stern voice said, "Travis,
I'll tell you the same thing I told you several years ago. I'm not in the
market for a husband. But..." she grinned widely, "I will keep your offer
in mind if I ever change my mind." 

"Well, if you're not interested in him...how about me?" Terry clasped his
hands over his heart and sighed loudly. 

Phil rolled her eyes, and shook her head slightly. "And what would your
wives have to say about that?" she queried. 

"I think we'd say, 'Welcome to them!'" 

With a squeal of pleasure, Phil spun around and embraced the two women who
had come up behind her. "Carol! Josie! Damn, but it's good to see you two!
I didn't know you were going to be on this trip. How are the kids?" 

Josie laughed and returned Phil's hug before answering for both Carol and
herself, "The kids are fine-the boys are at boy scout camp and the
baby..." 

"...Carrie is visiting her grandparents," Carol finished. She in turn
hugged Phil. 

Amazed at the resourcefulness of her friends, Phil could only ask, "How do
you two do it? Managing a family and working one of these expeditions?" 

"This is our vacation." Carol glared at her husband, Travis, who had the
decency to look abashed. 

"Oh...I see. The old 'you need a vacation' routine?" Both men snickered
with Phil. "So what do these 'gentlemen' have you doing?" 

"Well, between us, Carol and I are doing the cooking and handling the
supply rafts." 

"At least we won't starve and if one of these guys gets fresh with
me...well, a doctor is great to have around!" Phil joked. 

"Yeah, I can just see it now. One of these blokes will try and cop a feel
and you'll clock him one and I'll have to bandage your hand," Carol
quipped in her distinctive Aussie accent. 

"You all know I don't get physical with the participants of these trips." 


"Maybe you should," Carol suggested. 

"Carol! I can't believe you said that! What kind of woman do you think I
am?" The laughter was barely disguised as Phil batted her eyelashes. 

"Oh, shit, better hide the grog, boys, Phil's on the prowl." There was no
disguising the laughter shared by the friends. 

When Carol could talk without breaking into giggles, she asked, "How are
you feeling? We heard about what happened last year. I haven't seen you in
quite a while." She and Phil were close friends--a friendship that,
strangely enough, had blossomed over the Internet. 

"I'm fine--really I am. My ankle is healed and my back doesn't bother me
any more than it usually does." 

"That's a relief, we were worried about you." 

Phil hugged Carol once more. "Thanks, Carol, it's friends like you that
make me glad I am who I am." Self-consciously she stepped back and laughed
nervously. The Hunters smiled in understanding.  

Switching gears, Phil brought up the business at hand. "How did the group
take the news about me? Any problems?" 

"None that I could detect," Terry said. "In fact, they seemed rather
pleased that you were taking over. They seem to think pretty highly of
you. I guess we'll just have to change that notion, Spuds."  

Phil's mouth dropped open causing Terry and Travis to laugh once more.
"You're never going to let me forget that, are you?" Phil asked. 

"Nope."  

"No way."  

"Uh huh." 

Seeing the grins and shaking heads, Phil buried her face in her hands and
sighed. "I have such wonderful friends." 

"And don't you forget it!" Carol patted her on the shoulder. 

"How could I ever! And to think I was actually looking forward to this
trip. I've half a mind to fly back to Chicago and let you lead this
bunch." 

"But then you'd miss out on all the fun," Carol added. 

"What fun?" 

"Oh, you know the usual--shooting rapids without a boat, mud fights,
singing dirty ditties, swimming in the..." 

"I get the picture, Carol." Tossing her head back, she glared at her
friends. "You're not going to let me forget anything, are you?" 

"Honestly, Spuds, I have no idea what you are taking about. Do you?"
Travis turned to Terry who shook his head.  

"Nope, but if I think of something I'll let you know." 

"I just bet you will. And just for that I ought to let you haul my stuff
through the canyon." 

Memories of past trips surfaced and Travis asked, "Did you bring that
awful mattress with you?"  

"What mattress?" Phil cocked her head trying to recall which mattress
Travis was referring to. Comprehension dawned and she chuckled. "No, that
thing was given a proper burial long ago. However, I did bring its
replacement." Travis and Terry groaned. "Guys, you know I need something
for my back." 

"Well, I hope this one doesn't have a mind of it's own!" 

"Or smell like a wet dog! If it does...it's not going on my raft!" Carol
swore. They all chuckled at the memories of the last trip they had shared
together. 

"Well, if you let me sleep on one of the rafts, I'll leave it behind,"
Phil wheedled. 

"Deal!" Terry quickly accepted for the group.  

"Well, now that the sleeping arrangements are settled we can get on to the
more important things such as dinner," Travis added as he rubbed his hands
together. The five of them continued discussing the preparations that had
been made. Finally Travis concluded, "Right then, we'll spend the night
here and head out in the morning. Let's gather the troops and let you talk
to them, Spuds." 

Everyone scattered to collect the members of the group as Phil dug through
her bag searching for the trip planner. Soon the as-yet-unknown people she
would spend the next two weeks with surrounded her.  

Glancing around at the gathered people Travis noted, "We're missing a
couple of men. I understand they went for a walk down the river. They
should be back soon." 

Carol leaned over to Phil and in a stage whisper said, "Now those two are
real hunks, Phil. Much better than these two we married!" Travis shot her
a dirty look. 

Phil laughed then motioned for everyone to gather closer. She introduced
herself and welcomed everyone to the trip then pulled a large map out of a
waterproof case. "Let's briefly go over the itinerary of the trip." She
spread the map on the ground and anchored it with several rocks. Using a
stick as a pointer, Phil led the group through the planned trip. Since
this was a geology field trip she discussed the stratigraphy and
geomorphology as well as noting the structural geology the group would
encounter during their journey down the river. * * * 

Ben watched Ray return to camp, thankful for such an understanding friend.
Life had been lonely before he had met Ray. Friendships weren't easy for
the Mountie. He hadn't had a friend like Ray since, well, since Phil and
her brothers and, of course, Cat Madden. 

He hadn't realized just how much Phil had meant to him until the fiasco
two years ago with Victoria. He shook his head. He still couldn't explain
the attraction he felt for Victoria. He knew it wasn't love. Why had he
broken the engagement with Phil? Looking back, he couldn't think of any
valid reasons. His attraction to Victoria? That was the excuse he had
given Phil. Now he knew that wasn't the real reason. But just what was the
real reason? Was he afraid of commitment? Didn't he love Phil? He really
didn't know why he had ended their engagement. Was it something as simple
as obsession as Cat had suggested? Why hadn't he listened to Cat so many
years ago? In the years since he had last seen Phil he had thought of her
many times. He had lost...no, thrown her love away for Victoria. 

Victoria...he had thought she was his only hope of love but she had
betrayed him. He buried his face in his hands. He had discarded his job,
his friendship with Ray, even Diefenbaker for her. He had gladly thrown
away everything that mattered to him to run away with her. 

He often wondered what would have become of himself if Ray's bullet hadn't
stopped him--hadn't stopped him from making the second biggest mistake in
his life. Maybe he was better off alone than taking the chance of being
hurt again, of enduring the pain of lost love. 

He gazed across the river then rested his forehead on his clasped hands.
He purposefully sought memories of Phil and the love they shared. He
closed his eyes picturing the rock slope at Thunder Basin, the terror of
sliding over the cliff edge, the look in Phil's eyes as she held his arm
and kept him from falling. He relived the argument in the cabin, felt
Phil's fist impact his jaw, and the sweetness of their shared kiss. 

He remembered all the little things they did together--the talent contest,
the field trip, cold lake water, that final trip to Thunder Basin. He was
amazed at the crystal clarity of his memories of the time spent with Phil.
His memories of Victoria existed under a haze of swirling white or dark
shadows. 

He thought about Cat Madden and his aborted attempt to marry her. Unable
to accept it at the time, he now realized that Cat was right. They would
have been happy together but neither would have been complete. Cat was
lucky to have found Lloyd Hope. Too bad his luck wasn't that good. He had
let his soul mate go, discarding her love like a worn out sock. 

Unerringly, his thoughts drifted back to the day he was set to leave for
Canada. He remembered the plans they had made, the look in Phil's dark
brown eyes when he asked her to marry him and the ecstasy of that night
spent in her arms. 

Finally, his thoughts turned to that last encounter when Phil had attended
a conference in the town where he was posted. The nights spent together
were heaven. He was thankful that he took the time to find the 'real' Phil
McKenzie. She truly was his soul mate. He felt complete and whole and
happy with her. 

Why then did he betray her love for Victoria? He still could not answer
that question. He doubted that he ever would. He thought he had loved her,
but he knew better now. However, he had thought so at the time and had
broken off his relationship with Phil for her. Why had he allowed Victoria
to come between them? Why Victoria and not Phil? Why? 

He often thought about meeting Phil once more. What would he say to her?
How would she react to him? How could he face her after what they had both
been through? How could he face her knowing that she was alone because of
him? How could he face her and see the hate he feared would be in her
eyes? How could he face her after all these years? 

Face her, though, he would have to. She was here and they would be forced
to spend the next two weeks together. What were his feelings toward her
now? Guilt, shame, regrets...these were high on his list. But love? Could
he call this queasy sensation in his stomach love? No, Phil had made it
abundantly clear that she no longer loved him. She had found someone else.
And, if he was truthful with himself, he no longer knew what he felt for
Phil. 

"In my time, we didn't sit around and agonize over past mistakes. We moved
right through them and tried not to make that same mistake again." Sgt.
Robert Fraser, RCMP, stood beside his son decked out in full winter gear
complete with snowshoes. 

Startled, Ben snapped, "I really wish you wouldn't sneak up on me like
that." 

"Well, it's difficult not to when you're dead." Bob Fraser looked around
at the river and the desert scenery, shading his eyes against the evening
sun. "Couldn't you have picked a cooler spot for your contemplation?" 

"Dad, you're dead. How hot or how cold some place is no longer affects
you!" 

"Got a memory of hot places. Makes my back itch. Never could stand the
heat. Felt naked without a full set of clothes on." The apparition eyed
Ben's form from head to toe. "Just look at you. For heaven's sake, Benton,
are those canvas shoes you're wearing?" 

"Dad, this is a rafting trip. You know--the river, water everywhere,
getting wet. You also know what a continual soaking does to leather boots.
Canvas shoes make perfect sense. I suppose you'll object to the shorts I
plan on wearing as well." 

"Shorts? Shorts! Of all the ridiculous things I have seen you wear, and
that includes women's clothing, I don't think I could take seeing you in a
pair of shorts! It would just kill me!" 

"Dad! How could that 'kill you' when you're already dead?" 

"Well, it would feel like I was being killed all over again."  

Ben shook his head. His father was just as incomprehensible as usual.
"Dad...do you have a reason for being here? Or are you just here to annoy
me?" 

"Don't take that tone of voice with me, Benton. I've half a mind to leave
and let you sort through this problem on your own." 

"I really don't need your help, Dad. I think I can handle my own
problems." 

"Yes, I can see that. Just like you created this problem years ago." 

"I know all about that, Dad, and, yes, I regret the choices I made back
then. But they were made and I have to live with them." Ben turned his
face away from his father. This was a conversation he really didn't want
to have with him. 

"Have you ever thought about starting over? It's never too late to start
over. Well, except, maybe after you're dead. Can't start over then." 

"It's not that easy," Ben answered. 

Bob clomped around to where he would once more be in Ben's line of sight.
Squatting down, he leaned toward his son. "I told you once before that you
don't get second chances. I may have been wrong. It seems to me that
you're being given a second chance. Make the most of it. You won't get
another." And just as suddenly as he had appeared, Bob Fraser was gone. 

Ben shook his head then muttered under his breath, "He comes, he
goes--never a word of warning..." 

Still, what his father had said did make sense. Maybe, they could just
start over--just be friends. There was no need for anything more than
that. After so many years apart, they really had no business thinking of
anything else--as if either one wanted more. No, if Phil had wanted to
renew their relationship she would have contacted him. Instead, she had
found another man to love. Her continued silence only reinforced his own
decisions about love--he was fated to live on the outskirts of other's
lives and loves. It was better to do without love than to try to resurrect
one that had died years ago. Instead, he should concentrate on developing
friendships like Ray's and Cat's. Then why did he feel like
this--uncertain of his next move?  

Ben dropped his head into his hands. Why was Phil here? Why did he have to
face her now? He raised his head and stared back in the direction of the
camp. Maybe Phil and he could just be friends. Maybe he was simply
overreacting to the news of her presence. He no longer loved her and she
him. Maybe they could just be friends. With that hopeful thought, Ben
climbed to his feet, dusted himself off, and headed back to camp. * * * 

As Ray approached the campsite he saw the other members of their group
gathered around a large map. Dr. McKenzie sat on the ground and animatedly
discussed something using a stick as a pointer. The people gathered around
the map were totally engrossed in whatever the slender dark-haired woman
was saying.  

'Have we missed something important?' Ray wondered. From the manner in
which the group was hanging on Dr. McKenzie's words, Ray figured the
discussion was probably technical in nature, probably about rocks. 'I'm
not sure I'd understand the discussion even if I'd been here from the
beginning.' 

Glancing over his shoulder back the way he'd just come, Ray held a mental
discussion of his own with the absent Mountie. 'That's what I've been
trying to tell you all along, Benny. Why are we here when we have no idea
what the hell's going on? I mean, if these people start talking in
geologese, I gonna be mighty tempted to shoot first and ask questions
later.' Ray resumed his approach to the group around the map. After
staring past Ray in search of Ben, Mara scooted over and made a place for
him. Ray joined the circle of people around Phil McKenzie.  

He covertly studied her as she continued to talk with some animation, her
hands darting quickly about. Not beautiful by conventional standards, her
face was expressive and laughter came easily to her lips. Her dark eyes
lit on each face as she talked inviting participation and her interest in
each person was evident. There was some undefined quality about her that
intrigued him.	

"...of course, we'll stop at Havasu Creek and those that want to can hike
to Mooney Falls. Although damaged by the flooding, it's still an
impressive sight." Phil continued her discussion of possible side trips
available to the group unaware of Ray's intense scrutiny. "Are there any
questions that I might be able to answer? I don't guarantee to know
everything but I'll try to answer as best I can." She sat back on her
heels and looked at the faces smiling down on her. 

"Yeah, Dr. McKenzie, when you have a spare moment could I speak to you in
private?" Ray believed in jumping right in with both feet. Might as well
get this over with as quickly as possible. After all, Dr. McKenzie
probably didn't know Fraser was here any more than Benny had known she was
here. Maybe she should have some advance warning, too. 

"Sure, uh...Mr...uh?" Phil stood and extended her hand.  

"Vecchio, Ray Vecchio." He took the proffered hand and shook it. 

Now why did that name sound familiar? Phil's eyebrows drew together as she
took a closer look at the man. He looked familiar, too. "Let me tie up a
few ends here and I'll be all yours." A blush began to creep up her cheeks
as she saw the speculative look in Ray's hazel eyes. "Let me rephrase
that..." 

"Actually, I like it just the way you said it." Ray chuckled and was
pleased when the blush deepened and she quirked a crooked smile at him. 

Rolling her eyes, Phil spoke to the rest of the group. "I believe that
Josie is preparing dinner for us tonight." She looked inquiringly at Josie
who nodded her blonde head. "The way this works is for everyone to pitch
in and do their fair share. Josie and Carol will do the lion's share of
the meals, but they do need help with parts of it. So, check with them and
see what they need." 

She bent and moved the rocks then folded the map. Placing it in the case,
she turned again to Ray. "Care for a walk by the river?" 

"That would be just fine." He led them down the bank and started upstream.
No sense in running into Fraser just yet. 

They walked for a short distance before Phil stopped and turned to Ray.
"This is private enough, Mr. Vecchio. What can I do for you?" 

"Please call me Ray, Dr. McKenzie." 

Phil's expression relaxed into a smile. "Only if you call me Phil. Now,
what did you need to tell me that couldn't be said in the company of the
others?" 

"I like that--straight to the point. No beating about a bush." 'Like a
certain Mountie I know!' he thought. 

"No, I tend to prefer a direct approach to everything. Now, what is it you
wanted to say?" 

Ray noticed Phil's eyes slide from him and focused on something behind
him. Her brow furrowed in concentration. Ray followed the direction of her
gaze and saw Ben approaching the camp. He was still too far away to make
out his features, but anyone who knew Ben could tell who it was by his
posture and his purposeful stride. Ray looked at Phil again. He'd better
make this quick. Taking hold of her arm, he drew her around so she could
no longer watch Ben's approach. Ray motioned with his head. "That's my
partner. He's the reason I needed to talk to you alone." 

Confused, Phil glanced over her shoulder before asking, "Is there some
problem with your partner? Does he object to me leading this excursion?"  

"No, nothing like that." Grasping her elbow, he pulled her along as he
moved further up the river and around a rock outcrop. Once he was sure
they were no longer in direct view of the camp he slowed his pace. 

Unsure of the meaning of Ray's hasty flight, Phil shook loose from his
grip. "Mr. Vecchio...Ray. Please, explain yourself, now." She crossed her
arms and stared at Ray, her voice firm and final. 

Ray ran his hand over is thinning hair and scuffed his feet on the sand of
the riverbank. Finally, he raised his eyes and returned Phil's stare.
"I...I thought you might want...might need...oh, hell! I don't know of any
polite ways to tell you this except straight out." 

"Then say it." 

Ray swallowed then quickly blurted out, "My partner just happens to be an
old friend of yours. I thought you might need some time before you met him
again. You know, pull your thoughts together--work out any anger--that
sort of thing." 

She hesitated, blinking with bafflement. Running her tongue over her lips,
she said, "I take it, this 'friend' is not really a friend. One of my
competitors, a disgruntled colleague?" 

"No, worse than that." 

"What could possibly be worse than that?" Relaxing slightly, she shrugged
her shoulders. Really, Ray was being too serious about this. She glanced
back in the direction of the camp realizing that they no longer could see
it. Who could this mystery man be? True, there was something familiar
about the way he had walked. She just couldn't put her finger on it at the
moment. She suddenly wished she had taken the time to go over the list of
participants on the flight out.  

"What could possibly be worse than a irate colleague who questions
everything I say the entire trip?" Phil asked then grinned wryly. 

Ray dropped his gaze once more. Looking at her out of the corner of his
eyes, he asked, "How about a old flame?" 

Phil's head snapped back and her eyes widened. "A what? I don't think I
heard you correctly." 

Ray's head came up and he stared at her fully. "I said, how about an old
boy friend?" 

Phil swallowed several times and her eyes flew to the rock wall that hid
the camp from view. She looked back at Ray, recognition dawning--a
photo--a photo at Cat's house--a photo of two men leaning against a
metallic green car. 

No, it couldn't be. Fate couldn't be that cruel. She had finally gotten
over Ben, found someone else. Surely he couldn't be here. Her thoughts
echoed those of Ben as he had recognized the inevitability of their
meeting. Shock coursed through her and feeling slightly faint, she
abruptly sat down, Ray joining her on the ground. She closed her eyes and
took several shaky breaths. In a low voice, she quietly pleaded, "Please,
Ray, tell me your partner isn't...he isn't..." 

"Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP." 

"Oh shit, no!" She buried her face in her hands and breathed in shallow,
quick gasps.  

Ray gently rested a hand on her bowed shoulder. "That's almost the same
reaction Fraser had when he found out you were leading this trip. I have
never seen him that panicked before." 

Phil shuddered under his hand. Her insides twisted into a knot and the
pain was almost physical. She shook her head and ran her hands over her
face and clasped them behind her neck. She took a deep breath. "Then you
haven't seen him slide over a cliff, have you?" Her eyes took on a faraway
expression. 

"No, I haven't! I've seen him go over the side of a building, though. That
must be something similar." Phil nodded but refused to look at Ray. 

Guessing that he needed to keep her talking, he asked, "Is that one of the
stories Benny said you had? I certainly hope so! It sounds so much more
interesting than those stupid Inuit tales of his!" 

Phil raised her eyes to find him watching her. Tossing her head back, she
exhaled deeply before asking, "I take it you and Ben are good friends?" 

"Yeah, Benny's my best friend." Ray waited for her reaction to his words.
He was surprised at her answer. 

"I'm glad." She stared off into the distance lost in memories of what had
once been. After what Cat had told her had happened to Ben she was glad
that he had a friend he could count on. It was just unfortunate that they
had to meet like this. It was unfortunate that they had to meet at all.
Why was Ben on this trip? Why had she jumped at the chance to lead it? Why
had she made such a poor decision? What had she done to incur this
incredible streak of bad luck? 

Ray recognized the look as the one that Ben had worn less than an hour
earlier. "Okay, Phil, I know virtually nothing about what happened between
you two. You know Fraser when it comes to talking about his personal
life..." 

Phil nodded her head while biting her lower lip. "Yeah, I do. He can be as
tight as a clam sometimes and you just want to get a crowbar and pry it
out of him or beat him over the head with it." 

Surprised, Ray chuckled. "You really do know him, don't you?" 

"At one time, I thought I did." She took a deep breath and let it out.
"But that was a long time ago." She sighed inwardly thinking of the irony
of the situation. She had managed to avoid him in Chicago but here in this
remote spot on the Colorado River she was unable to do that. Like it or
not, the confrontation she had dreaded was at hand. 

She gracefully unwound her body and rose wiping the sand off the seat of
her shorts and walked to the water's edge. Not pausing to remove her
shoes, she waded out until the water lapped at her calves. The light
breeze caused several chestnut locks of hair to dance around her face. She
turned to look at Ray and brushed the hair from her face. "What in the
world are you two doing on this trip?" To her dismay, her voice broke
slightly. 

Ray watched her supple movements. He felt the faint but unmistakable
stirrings of desire as he watched her brush off her shorts. "I've asked
Benny that question several times. You know what he told me?" She shook
her head. "He said that he and an old geologist friend of his had planned
on rafting the Canyon but never did. He still wanted to do it." 

Phil shook her head as unbidden memories of half-made plans came to mind.
To hide her confusion she bent down and retrieved several rocks from the
riverbed. 

Ray watched how her shorts tightened across her posterior then mentally
shook himself. What in the world was he thinking? He still didn't know if
Phil was a bitch. He still didn't know what to expect from her when she
met Ben again. He still didn't know a damn thing about her except that he
was attracted to her. He quickly pulled up a mental image of Casey
Sinclair, the woman he loved but had denied himself. 

Idly throwing the rocks into the river, Phil asked, "What else did he tell
you about us?" 

Phil's quiet words reached him and Ray climbed to his feet. Moving to the
water's edge, he, too, picked up a rock and rolled it around in his hands.
Realizing what he was doing, he opened his hands and let the rock fall to
the ground. His hazel eyes then rose to meet Phil's brown ones. "He said
that you had a relationship that ended badly. He said he broke up with you
for Victoria Metcalf." Phil nodded in agreement. "He also said that it was
a big mistake." 

Phil closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself. Laying her face
on the hand that rested on her right shoulder, she struggled to control
the bitterness that surfaced when she recalled that time in her past. That
had happened a long time ago and she'd had plenty of time to put all of
that behind her--all but her memories. She snapped back to the present by
Ray's voice. 

"Do you hate him?" Ray asked quietly. 

Guiltily, Phil realized that Ray had read the emotions flitting across her
face. She dropped her arms then shook her head in denial. "No, I worked
through all of that a long time ago. Why? Did you expect me to fly into a
tizzy the moment I saw him?" 

"Well...I really didn't know. I mean, I didn't know if you were anything
like Victoria." Ray held up his hands at the look on Phil's face. "Ben's
already straightened me out about that. I just don't want to see him hurt
again. Victoria really did a number on him and I..." 

"I already know about Victoria and what she did to Ben." 

Now how in the hell could she possibly know that? Had she kept track of
Ben ever since they broke up? Instead of having his questions answered,
Ray was conscious of more questions being raised. Who was this woman? 

Phil waded out and placed a hand on Ray's arm. "I'm glad he has a friend
like you." She shook her head and a wistful-sad smiled played about her
lips. "He needs a good friend. Someone he can relate to--someone who
understands him--who'll accept him for who he is." 

There was something in her voice that touched Ray. "You still care for
him, don't you?" 

Phil swallowed before answering. "No, I sometimes have moments of regret
though, but no, I don't love him anymore." Why hadn't she mentioned
Martin? Somehow it didn't seem the right time.	

"So you're not going to scratch Benny's eyes out?" 

"Benny?"  

"Yeah, that's what I call him. So are you?" 

Phil characteristic crooked smile blossomed. "No, Ray, I won't scratch his
eyes out, I won't knee him in his nether regions, I won't poison his
coffee, and I won't accidentally drown him." Ray grinned in reply. Phil
continued, "And I won't let him hurt me like he did before." 

"I appreciate you saying so, Phil. I don't want to see Benny hurt either.
He's really been on edge lately and he certainly doesn't need to deal with
a another old girl friend," he said then added under his breath, "The last
one was more than enough." 

Something in Phil relaxed. It was comforting to know that Ben had a friend
like Ray Vecchio. Friendships this strong were few and far between but she
knew that Ben was the kind of man to inspire this kind of relationship. If
Ben thought so highly of Ray then he must be a wonderful man. She wondered
if this man was the cop that Casey had fallen in love with. That man had
been a friend of Ben's. She gave him a considering look and changed the
subject. "So, where are you from, Ray?"  

"I'm Chicago born and bred." He paused, then added, "I'm a detective with
the Chicago Police Department." 

"You say that as if you expect me to suddenly bolt. What's wrong with
being a police officer?" A cold shiver of recognition ran up and down her
spine. This man must be Casey's Ray. 

"Nothing, but women sometimes don't want to become involved with a
policeman." 

Thinking of Casey and the love she held for this man, Phil decided she
couldn't pass up this opportunity to learn all she could about him.
Feeling slightly guilty, she decided to not reveal her familiarity with
Casey until she knew him better. A speculative smile spread across her
face. "Are you insinuating something, Ray?" 

He watched her crooked smile blossom and light her face. "Only that I
think I'd like to know you better." He smiled back at her, his hazel eyes
lit with warmth. 

"I think that can be arranged." She grinned at him. "I like your style."
She could see why Casey found him charming. But what were his thoughts
concerning the woman he'd left behind? 

Ray felt himself grinning back. "Benny said I would like you. He was
right, as usual." 

"Answer me a quick question." Maybe she could learn something that would
explain why he had left Casey high and dry. Maybe she could lead him
around to that subject. 

"Anything!" Noticing Phil's cocked head and mischievous grin, he
back-tracked, "Anything within reason, that is!"  

"How did you and Fraser meet? It's pretty evident that you two are good
friends. Friendships like that don't happen overnight." 'That's it,' she
told herself, 'distract him them go for the jugular.' 

Unaware of Phil's machinations, Ray answered truthfully, "No, they don't.
I've known Fraser now for almost three years. We first met when he was
transferred to the Canadian Consulate in Chicago. I helped him bring his
father's killer to justice. You knew about his father, didn't you?" 

Phil had not expected Ray to mention the death of Ben's father. It
slightly tempered her zeal to dissect this man's interest in her friend.
"Yeah. Cat Madden told me." 

"You know Cat?" Ray eyes widened in surprise that Phil would know Ben's
friend. However, this would explain her knowledge of Victoria's effect on
Ben. His own experience with Cat had been brief and slightly
terrifying--except for this last Christmas. Cat had been...Ray's memories
supplied him with a Cat that was different from the one he had known since
the shooting. He smiled to himself. For such a fragile looking woman, Cat
could certainly hold her own against anything he had thrown at her. 

"Yeah. She saved my life last year. Cat told me a lot about what had
happened to Ben since we separated." Phil turned back to gaze across the
river. "She told me about Ben's father. I regret never having the chance
to meet Bob Fraser. From what I understand, he was quite a man."  

Ray could only nod his head in agreement. "Yeah, he must've been some
kinda hero. Anyway, I've sort of taken Fraser under my wing and helped him
adjust to city life. You have no idea just how naive he can be." Phil gave
him a look that said different. Ray laughed, "Maybe you do." He gazed into
Phil's brown eyes, noting the laughter and warmth there and the wariness
that lurked behind them. Confused, he asked, "Is this the 'real' you?
Benny said you hid the real you from people. I sure would like to get to
know the real you!" 

Phil glanced over her shoulder again returning his stare--noting how his
hazel eyes reflected his sincerity. Something inside her uncurled as she
regarded the man before her. "I think I would like that, Ray. For some
reason, I feel at ease with you. I don't usually feel that way around
strangers. I've only felt this way..." Her voice trailed off as she turned
back to gaze across the river. 

Ray didn't need to know that she only felt this way with the men that
became more than just passing acquaintances. Wrapping her arms around
herself, she closed her eyes and watched them parade across the inside of
her eyelids--Ben (losing herself in his blue eyes as they made passionate
love), Jason (his beard tickling her face as he kissed her), Travis
(holding her under the waters of Stone Creek Falls and kissing her till
she gasped for breath), Lloyd (kidding him about his long hair then
braiding it as he lay with his head in her lap), Martin (bare chested,
hanging photos on her wall)...but always back to Ben. Was Ray to become
more than a passing acquaintance? But what about Ben? What about Casey?
What about Martin? 

Opening her eyes, she turned to face Ray once more and asked, "What about
you, Ray? Any emotional entanglements?" 

Unable to hide the momentary shaft of pain and longing that swept through
him, Ray did his best to deny his feelings for Casey Sinclair. Shaking his
head, he answered Phil's question, "Not anymore. I was in love once, but
it didn't work out. Now...now I'm just trying to get on with my life." 

Phil saw the pain in his eyes. Ray's situation sounded a lot like hers.
Maybe she could help Casey by finding out if what Ray had just said was
the truth or did he still care for Casey. Maybe if she concentrated on Ray
and Casey she wouldn't think about Ben. 

Ray watched the fleeting emotions that traveled across Phil's face. "As
much as I would like to pursue this topic of conversation with you...if I
read my people right, you'd like some time alone to collect your thoughts
and figure out how you're going to handle Benny. Am I right?" 

Phil nodded her head. "You're 100% right, Ray. I guess I do need to come
to terms with Fraser and what might still exist between us." 'And how I'm
going to survive the next two weeks!' she silently added. 

Ray glanced down at his feet then back up at Phil. "Uh, do you want me
to...I mean, should I tell Benny. Dammit, Phil, do you want me to send
Benny down here to you so you can get your meeting over in private or do
you want to wait for some other time?" 

It was Phil's turn to stare at her feet. Did she want to see Ben now or
did she want to wait until there were others around to cushion her shock?
Did she want the others to know that Ben still had an effect on her? Did
he still have an effect on her? Maybe it would be best to get this
confrontation out of the way. Then she'd have some idea of how the rest of
the trip would go. Maybe she was reading too much into this and their
meeting would be anticlimactic and not worth the anxiety she was putting
into it. Raising her face, her liquid eyes betraying her emotions, she
answered Ray's query. "I think it would probably be best if you sent him
up here, Ray. I don't think he would like to air his dirty laundry in
public." 

"I get you, Phil. I'll send him this way when I get back to camp." He
briefly rested a hand on her arm then turned and started back to the camp.
He turned around once and watched Phil throw rocks into the river. 'I like
her. I wonder if she'd be interested in a suave, Italian cop from
Chicago?' The thoughts accompanying that question pleased him as well as
surprised him. Was he actually contemplating making time with Ben's old
flame? Why not? She'd practically said she was attracted to him. And it
wouldn't be the first time. His thoughts briefly touched on Cat. What an
amazing woman! Yet, in the back of his mind a blonde haired woman with
storm grey eyes called to him. Sighing, he thought about Casey. It had
been too long. She would have found someone else by now. It was time for
him to move on with his life. 

He'd have to take it slow and easy, see how things went between Phil and
Ben before he made any moves of his own. If they decided to give their
relationship a second chance, he wouldn't be the one to stand in the way.
But, if they weren't going to do anything it left the field wide open for
him. Yes, this trip might be enjoyable after all. * * * 

Phil continued to toss rock after rock into the river. What was she going
to do? She couldn't back out of this trip. If she left, the trip would
have to be cancelled. That would be a setback that BakTrak could ill
afford and there really was no adequate reason for her to back out. So
what if the man she had loved, the man who betrayed her was here? She had
finally worked through her emotions. Cat had helped her finally set aside
the last of the bitterness his memories had always generated. She had
forgiven Ben for ending their engagement. She had forgiven him for not
being there while Lindy lived. She had forgiven him for not loving her
enough. She had learned to live without him in her life. In fact, she was
almost engaged to Martin, wasn't she? What difference did it make now if
she met him again? Nothing in her life would change. 

Her hand sought the chain about her neck as she unconsciously rubbed the
smoothness of the gold band held there. Why hadn't she removed Ben's ring?
Bowing her head, she knew the answer to that question. As much as she
loved Martin, she hadn't stopped thinking of Ben. Recalling the times Cat
had told her about her other lives and how forces shaped everyone's
destiny, Phil wondered if some of these forces (that she didn't believe in
anyway) were directing her to reevaluate her relationship with Martin. No,
that she wouldn't believe. People changed, she'd changed, Ben had changed.
Maybe the attraction wouldn't be there; maybe what she loved were the
memories and the real man would be different. She dropped the ring back
down the front of her shirt where it nestled between her breasts. 

Unbidden thoughts sent her back to that summer when she had finally let
someone other than her brothers into her heart. She closed her eyes. She
could picture his face in the minutest detail. She imagined the blue of
his eyes changing as different moods stirred him. It was his eyes that
captured her heart the first time she'd met him. 

"I told you there would be obstacles in your path."  

Phil whipped around and smiled ruefully at the woman seated on the shore.
"Caroline! I haven't seen you in quite awhile. Why am I not surprised to
see you here?" Phil shook her head then shrugged her shoulders. "What am I
going to do?" 

"What do you want to do?" The image of Caroline Fraser patted the ground
beside her inviting Phil to join her. 

Phil sighed not wanting to go in the direction she knew this conversation
was headed. She dropped the rocks she held and wiped her hands on the seat
of her shorts then strolled over to where Caroline was seated. With an
impatient shrug, Phil gracefully settled beside her. Drawing her knees up,
she rested her chin on them. "What do I want to do? I want to run as fast
and as far away as I can. Does that make me a coward? I feel like a
coward." She bowed her head and drew circles in the sand with a finger. 

Caroline gave a short laugh drawing Phil's gaze. "Phil, as long as I've
known you, you're bouts of cowardice haven't lasted long enough to be
remarked on. You have always tried to face your problems head on and not
shirk your duty or responsibility." 

Phil's eyes dropped once more. "But, I'm not ready. I don't know if I can
handle facing Ben again...not after all these years and everything that
has happened. I don't know if...if I'm strong enough to not to make a fool
of myself." 

"In what way?" Caroline's gentle voice prodded. 

Phil snorted. "Caroline, you above all people...okay, you above all
spirits...should know what I mean. I've finally found peace with his
memories and with myself. I've even found a new love. I don't know if
meeting him again will bring back all those feelings that I've finally
gotten over. I don't know if I can look at him and not remember what we
once had." 

"And does that bother you?" 

Phil quirked her head and gazed at the woman beside her. "You know damn
well it does. I can't seem to forget him even though I remember all the
pain he put me through. Why can't I just forget him and go on with my life
with Martin?" 

"Is that what you really want?" Caroline's ghostly hand rested briefly on
Phil's slumped shoulder. 

"I...I don't know, Caroline. I thought I did but now...now that I have to
face him, I don't know. I don't want to make the mistake of falling in
love with him again and I know just how easy that would be." 

The image of Caroline smiled slightly. "Why don't you give him a chance?" 

Phil's head shot up. "A chance to do what? Hurt me again? I don't think
so!" Phil shook her head vehemently. 

"Coward."  

The word was softly spoken but carried to Phil's ears nonetheless. She
drew in a deep breath. Caroline always managed to cut to the heart of the
matter. She seemed to know her deepest thoughts. Nodding, she agreed, "I
am a coward where he's concerned." 

"Phil, I told you many years ago that my son loved you. That hasn't
changed. He's more confused than he has ever been. Are you going to let
his lack of good judgment mar your chances of happiness?" 

"Lack of good judgement? Is that what you call it?" Phil sprang to her
feet and paced a few steps away before turning to face her companion.
"Dammit, Caroline, he left me for another woman--for a thief and murderer!
How can I just forget that?" 

Caroline's mouth curved into a slight smile. "You've forgiven him for it.
Why can't you forget it?" 

Her hands became fists at her side before she answered, "Because of what
happened afterwards. I can't forget that part of my life." She felt a lump
begin in her throat. "I can't forget Lindy. I wish Ben had been there for
us. I wish I had gone to him when I first learned that I was pregnant.
Maybe we'd be together now--not trying to drum up enough courage to face
each other." 

"I know, Phil." She paused as she watched Phil's tense body. "He still
doesn't know about Lindy. Are you going to tell him?" 

"How can I tell him? Just say, 'Hi, how are you? How have you been? Long
time no see! Oh, and by the way, did you know you had a daughter but she's
dead!' Yeah, I can just hear myself saying that!" Phil spun on her heels
away from Caroline's piercing stare. 

"Now, Phil. Snap out of it!" Caroline paused, waiting for Phil to turn
back around. Only when Phil did, did she continue, "Just be yourself.
That's all you need to do. Don't worry about past mistakes. Worry never
added a second to anyone's life." 

Phil glanced at the canyon wall behind Caroline nervously moistening her
dry lips. "I don't know, Caroline. I guess I'm afraid of what I might feel
for him. Cat says he still loves me. What if he wants to renew our
friendship--our relationship? Can I trust him not to hurt me like he did?"


"No, Phil, even I can't guarantee that. But, don't you think he's smart
enough not to make the same mistake twice?" 

Phil thought about that for a moment. Ben was an intelligent man.
Naturally he wouldn't make the same mistake twice. Running a hand through
her short hair, she answered, "Of course, but that's assuming he would
want to pick up our relationship where he left it. That's not possible,
Caroline. I told Martin I would give him an answer when I returned." 

"Everything you've said is true, Phil. Just don't shortchange yourself
because you're afraid of what might happen and don't settle for second
best. Everyone deserves a second chance...even you." Caroline smiled and
gently faded away. 

Phil reached into the front of her shirt and pulled forth the chain and
ring once more. "Maybe it's time I returned you to Ben. Then maybe I can
finally put him behind me and move on with my life and Martin." She rubbed
the smoothness of the ring then replaced it in her shirt. "Maybe..." 

She searched for more rocks and threw them in the water. Staring across
the river, the questions whirled in her mind. Could this trip be a trial
of sorts? Maybe it was time to see just what her feelings were regarding
Ben. Heaven knows she hadn't been able to suppress them over the years.
They seemed to crop up at the most inopportune moments. Maybe they had
gotten past the hurt and could be friends. Maybe what Cat and Caroline and
even Becka, Ben's sister, kept telling her was true. Maybe Ben still loved
her. But did she still love him? Could she love him? Could she trust him?
Did she want to trust him? And what about Martin? Maybe she could finally
get Ben out of her system and freely give herself to Martin. Yes...that
was what she would do. 

One thing was for certain. Neither Ben nor Ray would learn from her that
she lived in Chicago--not unless she told them. It still sent her heart to
racing in panic--Ben in Chicago... 

Phil sighed and scoured the bank for more rocks, building a pile of them
by the water's edge. Somehow the repetitive actions of tossing them helped
calm her nerves. * * * 

It didn't take Ben long to learn that Ray had taken off with Phil.
Everyone seemed to know that they had walked upriver--together. There were
several raised eyebrows and some good-natured snickering. Knowing that Ray
was probably engaged in questioning Phil, he decided to wait a few more
minutes before following them. Now that he made up his mind to try to
recapture their friendship, he wanted to get started immediately. Why was
Ray taking so long? 

Travis joined him and stared off in the direction that Ray and Phil had
taken. "I'll say this for your partner--he's one swift operator. I have
never seen Spuds take up with someone as fast as she did with Ray. In
fact, I don't believe I've ever seen her take up with anyone. She's always
been a little standoffish, if you know what I mean." 

Recalling the shy woman he'd loved, he nodded his head before saying, "I
do. Phil is like that with everyone except her brothers." He had never
heard Phil called Spuds before. It sounded strange but, knowing her, there
was probably a story behind it. 

Travis turned his head to study Ben's profile. Who was this man? How did
he come to know Phil's family? "You've met her brothers? Do you know
Spuds?" 

Ben nodded slowly still caught in his memories. "We worked together one
summer with Rocky Mountain Rescue. At one time we were close friends.
We've drifted apart over the years." How could he tell Travis just how
close they had been? 

"That's too bad. I've met her brothers when they joined a couple of the
trips. They're quite a pair, and when you get the three of them together
it's like a three-ring circus. Spuds is something special..." Travis'
thoughts drifted back to a time almost six years earlier. He smiled
ruefully before running a hand behind his neck. "You know, I once asked
her to marry me but she turned me down--said she was once in love with
someone else but he broke their engagement. He really hurt her 'big time'
and she wasn't going to chance that again. She sure avoids any kind of
attachments. Which is what surprised me when she took off with your
friend." He didn't see the shadow that flitted across Ben's face.  

Ben's heart ached as Travis recounted Phil's tale knowing full well that
the heel Travis talked of was himself. There was no way he could answer
Travis without giving something away so he chose to remain silent. 

"Well, enough of that. Are you ready to lend a hand on meal preparation
or..." Travis paused and stared meaningfully toward where Phil and Ray had
disappeared. "...or are you going to let Ray waltz off with your friend?" 

Ben smiled relieved that Travis had misinterpreted his silence. "Am I that
transparent?" he asked. 

"No. But, if I were you I'd be protecting my interests." 

"Ah...so you think I should follow them." Ben raked a thumb across his
left eyebrow. 

"What I think doesn't matter. What do you think you should do?" 

Glancing in the direction that Ray and Phil had gone, Ben defended his
friend, "Ray's my best friend and I would trust him with my life." 

Travis' grin widened. It would be interesting to see if something happened
between this quiet man and the boisterous Phil McKenzie. Deciding to
meddle in his friend's life, he slyly asked, "But would you trust him with
Spuds?" 

"Yes, I would. But, I think I'll join them anyway." Ben answered readily
but the shadow of a doubt had been planted. He knew Ray's reputation with
women and hoped he wouldn't try his Italian charm out on an unsuspecting
Phil. 

Travis laughed and headed back to camp. Ben slid down the bank and headed
upstream. He hadn't gone very far when he saw Ray approaching alone.
Waiting for Ray to come up to him, he tried to hide his nervousness. What
had Ray and Phil talked about? Had Ray told her that he was here? What had
happened between Ray and Phil?	

"Where's Phil?" Ben asked when Ray came up to him. 

"I left her up past that big rock there." He pointed to the rock face he
and Phil had walked past. "I told her you were here. I thought she
probably needed some time to get over the shock of you being here, too." 

"How did she take it?" Ben asked as he stared upstream. 

"About the same as you--shock, disbelief, panic. You two are a lot alike."
Ben gave him a considering look. "I guess that's why we took an instant
liking to each other. So, if you have no plans on renewing your
relationship, I think I might try my hand at wooing the fair lady." There
was a smug look on Ray's face. 

A brief flash of anger tinged with jealousy swept through Ben. "I think
you'll find Phil's not easily wooed." 

A careless shrug accompanied Ray's answer. "That's all right. I have
plenty of time." 

"What about Casey?" Ben quietly asked. 

Ray bowed his head momentarily, then raised his face to look Ben in the
eye. "That's over, Ben." 

"I'm sorry, Ray. I didn't know." 

"What's to know except that Ray Vecchio is a man on the prowl?" He looked
toward camp and the meal preparations. "Guess I'll go see about lending a
hand." He looked back the way he had come. "Maybe you should talk to Phil
before we actually get started on this trip. I'd sure hate for you two to
be at each other's throats the whole time." 

"I doubt that that would happen, Ray. Phil is not the violent type but, at
the same time, I have no intentions of antagonizing her in any way. The
last time I did that..." He rubbed his jaw in remembered pain. 

"She hit you? She actually hit you?" Ray started to laugh. 

"She broke her hand, Ray. There's no cause for laughter." 

But Ray continued to laugh, doubling over as he tried to contain himself.
"She hit you! Please, don't tell me she knocked you on your ass!" Ray
turned to regard Ben when he didn't answer. "Benny...she didn't? She did?
Oh, this is too much. I can't take it." He headed back to camp clutching
his sides and laughing. 

Ben watched Ray for a moment then started upstream to find Phil. If he
didn't do this quickly, he might lose his resolve. This was his chance to
place their inevitable meeting on a good footing, a chance to do it
without the meddling presence of Phil's friends or his. 

As Ray struggled toward camp he glanced over his shoulder pleased to see
Ben walking purposefully toward the rock outcrop that obscured Phil. Maybe
there was hope for his friend.	

"Now isn't that just like you! You give up before you even put up a
fight!" 

"So, what's it to you, Pop? I don't believe I asked your opinion." Ray
stopped in midstep and turned to face the apparition that lounged against
a rock near the bank, a cigarette dangling from his mouth. 

The apparition flowed upright and stalked over to stand nose to nose with
Ray. "That's just it! You never asked my opinion and when I gave it to
you, you never listened." 

"You never just gave your opinion, Pop. You always made it into an edict
and, heaven forbid, if we didn't abide by your opinions." Ray punctuated
the air with a finger. 

"You watch your mouth, boy! I'll not have any disrespect from you. I am
your father!" 

"Yeah, you are but that doesn't change how I feel. You were poor excuse
for a father then and you're still one!" Ray sidestepped the image of his
father and headed on toward camp. 

"Here I am trying to help you, you ungrateful son of a..." 

"That's enough, Pop." Ray spun around and stared at his father. "I didn't
ask for your help and, frankly, I don't want it. You were never there for
me when you were alive--don't think you can make up for that now. Why
don't you just go back to wherever it is you came from?" Ray angrily
turned away from the image of his father and proceeded on into camp. * * *


It wasn't far to the rock outcrop that blocked the view upstream. Ben
dreaded passing it knowing that he would have to face Phil when he did. He
fervently hoped that their meeting after so many years would not be
rancorous, but had no way of knowing how Phil would react to his presence.
Better they should get any unpleasantness out of the way before the
rafting began. He steeled himself for the meeting ahead. Clenching his
hands and inhaling deeply, he walked around the outcrop and spotted Phil
standing in the river, throwing rocks into the current. There was a
sizeable pile of rocks near the water's edge. 

Ben paused and watched her--12 years of loneliness and longing rooted him
to the spot. The depths of his desire for her shocked him. He quickly
shuffled those thoughts to the back of his mind. Desire could only lead to
other thoughts--thoughts he could do without, thoughts that would
inevitably draw a response from his body. That's all he needed right now,
a hard-on with no chance of relieving the aching pressure any time soon.
Moving quietly, he reached the rock pile and chose a good sized one. He
threw it over Phil's head and watched it splash in the river.  

Phil paused with an arm outflung. Only one person could move that quietly.
She closed her eyes praying for strength then turned to gaze at him. 

Ben felt himself falling into her soft brown eyes. He forced a smile and
asked, "Excuse me, Ma'am, is this Miller's Crossing?" 

Phil's heart skipped a beat as she once more heard that voice from her
past--the voice that had haunted her dreams for years. The tension knotted
her insides once more. She gazed into the clearest, bluest eyes she had
ever seen. An eternity past (well, it seemed like an eternity) before she
blinked her eyes.  

Ben watched the crooked smile he had once loved spread across her lips. 

"I'm surprised, Fraser, all this time and you still haven't found Miller's
Crossing?" She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm sorry, but this is Lee's Ferry
not Miller's Crossing." She waded out of the water and came to within a
few feet of him. So far, so good. She studied his handsome face
congratulating herself that she hadn't come unglued. What was she feeling
now that she was face to face with Ben? A slight twinge of buried pain, a
moment's regret, a flash of lust...nothing she couldn't handle. She held
her head high as she faced him. 

Ben hungrily ran his eyes up and down her figure. Even he had put on a few
pounds, but Phil...she was still as slender as a reed. Scolding himself
for gaping at her, he quickly asked, "Now how do you suppose I made such a
gross mistake?"  

Phil cocked an eyebrow and waited for Ben to continue. There was no way
she was going to make this easy for him. After all, he was the one that
had ended their relationship. 

Ben groaned inwardly. He couldn't believe himself. Why did his mouth
insist on spouting such inane nonsense? Shaking his head, he smiled
tentatively at the slender woman. "How have you been, Phil?" He watched
her eyes. They had always mirrored her feelings. He had been able to
'read' her by watching her eyes. Now they were apprehensive and a shadow
of buried hurt haunted them. 

She looked away from him. "Oh, I've no complaints. You know me--stubborn
to the core. I just keep myself busy and I don't dwell on the mistakes of
the past." 

"Do you consider us a mistake?" He stared at the rock in his hand, turning
it over and over. 

"I didn't. But evidently you did and if there was one thing I learned from
you it was to trust your instincts." She turned back to the river and
lobbed a few more rocks. Taking a deep breath, she pursed her lips and let
it out slowly. "What do we do now, Fraser? I would like for this trip to
be an enjoyable experience for everyone, including you. We're going to
have to come to some kind of understanding in order for that to happen." 

Ben nodded his head. This was exactly what he wanted--to come to some kind
of understanding that might lead back to the friendship they had once
shared. Her next words cut across his soul. 

"You ended our engagement years ago." She squared her chin and turned to
face him. "It took me a long time to get over the hurt, but I did. I've
learned to live without you." 

Why did the chill in her voice hurt him like it did? He took a step closer
to Phil and paused. When she didn't back away he moved closer until he was
face to face with her. He looked down into her eyes. The look in them
chilled him. He found himself wanting to take her into his arms and kiss
the coldness from her. He had had too much cold from Victoria. He needed
Phil's warmth not the chill he felt radiating from her. He flexed his
hands but held them at his sides.  

There was so much he wanted to say, to ask, that he was surprised when his
voice asked, "Where are your glasses?" He ran a hand over his face. No
matter what he did, he somehow managed to look the fool around Phil. 

Phil blinked and hint of irony crept into her voice. "I lost so many pairs
of glasses during the time we were together..." Her voiced trailed off.
"Anyway, I haven't worn glasses for years." 

"I like being able to see your eyes without having to remove your glasses.
You used them as a very effective barrier. They always hid your best
feature--your eyes." He longed to run a finger across Phil's cheek. "I
have missed you, Phil." Memories of past kisses forced their way into his
thoughts. He reached for her but she pressed her hands against his chest
and pushed away from his embrace. 

"Don't try that again, Fraser." She walked back to the river and again
waded out until water lapped around her calves. She shakily drew in
several deep breaths. Why did he still have this effect on her? She turned
and regarded him. "We can't just pick up where we left off. Too much has
happened to both of us. We're not the same people we were then." 

"I know, Phil." Where was the Phil McKenzie he had known all those years
ago? Had the years changed her that much? Had it changed him? Why was it
so important to find out if the Phil he had known still existed? Was this
the second chance his father had talked of--to start over with Phil?  

He sat down on the bank and began removing his shoes. As he set them aside
he looked up at her and said, "Perhaps we can start over? Get to know each
other again?"  

"Do you think that's wise?" She cocked her head and watched him remove his
socks and roll up his pants legs. She shook her head. No matter where she
went, like so long ago, Fraser always followed her, especially when she
didn't want him to. Now was no different. 

"Probably not. But I can't help it. When I'm with you..." He stood,
scooped up a handful of rocks, and waded out into the water. "...when I'm
with you I want to throw caution to the wind. Just like this rock," and he
launched the projectile. 

"Fraser..." Phil watched the rock splash into the current. 

"Ben." 

Phil closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "All right, Ben. I will not
let you hurt me again. Don't expect any more from me than friendship." She
took a rock from Ben's hand and launched it toward the spot where Ben's
had fallen. 

Ben nodded. "Understood." 

"No, I don't think you do, Ben. I'm willing to try to salvage what's left
of our friendship, but at the same time I will not turn away from other
opportunities. In fact..." 

"In fact...what?" 

"I'm involved with another man, Ben. He's asked me to marry him." There,
she'd said it. Then why didn't she feel better about her relationship with
Martin? Why did her affirmation seem hollow? 

Why did those simple words still hurt? He'd had plenty of time to become
used to the idea that Phil belonged to another man. Why did it still hurt?
Speaking from the ache in his heart, he said, "Phil, I know I hurt you and
I've regretted that every day of my life. I know I can never change
that...no matter how much I may want to. I know there's no going back. I
guess what I want to ask you is what can I do to help us get through the
rest of this trip?" The words tumbled forth stopping just short of what he
really wanted to ask--'what can I do to take that haunted look from your
eyes.' He instinctively reached for her. 

Phil shrugged his hands off and backed away from him. "The first thing you
can do is...don't touch me. I won't lie to you, Ben, I may have learned to
live without you, but that doesn't mean I've gotten over you. Just looking
at you brings back all kinds of memories that I'm better off without." She
bit her lips silencing the words that revealed more that she wanted. When
she felt under control, she continued, "I love Martin and I won't be hurt
by you again. I think it's best we ignore the fact that we once had a
relationship and the feelings that went with it." She had gotten very good
at ignoring her feelings for him. Chuckling with dark humor, she asked,
"What would Cat say if she saw us now?" 

Ben's mouth quirked slightly. "She'd probably verbally flay us, calling us
fools, and several other uncomplimentary things before blasting us with
her unique perspective of our relationship." 

Surprised at Ben's litany, Phil laughed out loud. "That's putting it
mildly." She took a rock from his hand and skipped it across the water.
Glancing sideways at Ben, she asked, "She told you about me and TJ?" 

Ben gave a short nod of his head. "Yes...at first she wouldn't tell me
where you were. I knew she knew but she said that you..." 

Phil, in turn, nodded her head. "I told her not to tell you." Lifting her
face so that she could see Ben's, she nervously moistened her lips before
continuing, "Understand, Ben, I hated you for several years." She dropped
her eyes from his intense gaze and resumed speaking. "I didn't know what
had happened to you only what had happened to me. I thought you and
Victoria had..." She swallowed then lifted her eyes once more to meet his.
"Cat told me about what happened. She helped me put the last of the hurt
and bitterness I carried for so many years behind me. She told me that I
had to come to terms with what I felt about you before I could get on with
my life. That's why I didn't want you to know where I was. I had to come
to terms with what I felt before I saw you again." 

A small spark of hope flickered to life in Ben's heart. "And did you?" 

"Did I what?" 

"Come to terms with your feelings?" 

Phil pursed her lips then lowered her head and shook it. "No. That's why I
never tried to contact you." 

Realizing that Phil had struggled to come to terms with her feelings in
the same manner that he had, he let his resentment die. "I understand,
Phil. I've had to do the same. Do you know what I discovered?" 

Did she want to know? Yes, but this was neither the time nor the place for
that conversation. When that happened, what little control she had over
her feelings would come undone. This expedition was too important to her
small company to allow her personal feelings to interfere. Whatever had to
be said between them would have to wait until her obligations had been
fulfilled. She straightened her back, resuming her professional persona.
"Ben, considering our current situation, I don't think we should discuss
our relationship in any way, shape, or form. Maybe after this trip is over
we can do that--but not now and not here." Phil took another rock from Ben
and flung it across the river. "So, do we understand each other? Can we be
friends? Or is there too much between us to permit that?" 

"I don't know, Phil, I would like to try to recapture our friendship. As
far as anything else..." He ran his hand through his hair. "I just don't
know. I don't even know if I am capable of loving anyone ever again. I
wish I could change the way things are--make different decisions--but I
can't. I really screwed us over good, didn't I?" 

Phil looked into his azure eyes and read the question buried there. She
shook her head slightly. "I have a friend who constantly tells me not to
make rash decisions--to be willing to take chances--to forgive and forget.
She said that everyone deserves a second chance. I...I honestly don't know
if there's even a chance for friendship between us. As far as anything
else, I don't know. I guess only time can tell us the answer to your
question." She took one last rock from Ben's hands, flung it out over the
water, and watched it arc up and away before splashing into the current.
She took one last look at the man beside her then waded out of the water
and headed back to camp. 

Ben remained where he was, knee-deep in the river, tossing rocks into the
water. Second chances...the thought echoed through his mind. First his
father had mentioned second chances and now Phil had used the same words.
Did he want a second chance? Could he just be a friend to Phil without
wanting more? Did he want more?  

He didn't want to be hurt either. Love hurt too much. Victoria had hurt
him, Cat had hurt him, and Phil's memories hurt him. He, in turn, had hurt
Phil. But he missed her friendship. He had always missed it. Seeing her
again only reinforced the realization of just how much she had meant to
him. Her friendship...no, her love had made him whole. 

Ray's friendship meant a lot to him and it had gone a long way toward
easing the loneliness he lived with. Becka's love was a given in his life.
Cat's friendship and love went beyond this time and space but it wasn't
the same as what he had felt for Phil. Phil had answered a need so deep
within that being without her he felt incomplete. Without her he would
always be that 'partial' person they talked about so many years ago. 

Angrily, he flung the last rock across the river watching it clatter on
the opposite bank. He brushed his hands off, waded out of the water,
gathered his socks and shoes, and headed back to camp. 

Second chances were such chancy things. * * * 

Journal entry: 31 August 1997  

It is an axiom that history repeats itself and man is doomed to repeat his
mistakes over and over again. I certainly hope this is not true. I pray
that I do not make the mistakes I made once before--mistakes that brought
pain and anguish to so many people. 

I came on this trip to rid myself of Phil's lingering presence. I thought
I could banish her ghost from my thoughts--only to discover that Fate had
something else in mind. How can I banish Phil when I am assailed by her
physical presence every waking moment of the day? How could she be here?
How can we endure this trip? 

When I first saw her I couldn't believe how much I wanted her. Desire
washed over me and all I wanted to do was hold her in my arms and make
passionate love to her. I wanted to feel her satin skin beneath my hands
and lips--to taste her sweetness--to give myself up to the indescribable
pleasure we once shared. I have not felt like that in years. 

When I first saw her I was afraid I would see hate in her eyes--hate for
me. Instead I saw a chill that changed to understanding. I don't know if I
can handle understanding. How could she forgive me for what I did? How can
she understand what I went through? But, then again, this is Phil. There
was so much about me that she understood--things even I didn't know. 

She is not as I imagined her to be. Where is the bitter, lonely woman I
expected? Evidently not as lonely as I had thought if Travis asked her to
marry him and this Martin she speaks of. She is friendly and outgoing,
interacting easily with everyone. Where is the shy woman I loved? Who is
this Spuds McKenzie? 

Maybe this trip will serve its purpose. If I can reestablish our lost
friendship without wanting more then I will know that I have finally
gotten her out of my system. She evidently doesn't want more from me. That
should make it easier on both of us. 

But, why am I reminded of a time over 12 years ago when she didn't want to
become involved with me? This time, however, I will not make the mistake
of pursuing her. If there is to be anything between us then it will happen
no matter what I do--or for that matter, what Phil does. I don't know. I
guess I'm afraid of what I might discover if I let myself fall in love
with her again. 

   

To be continued (?) 

  

Copyright April 1997 by Cassandra Hope 

Comments are welcome at  baktrak@earthlink.net	

Visit my website at http://www. geocities.com/baktrak1 for Book 1 and Book
2 

Second Chances (Book 3 of the Ben & Phil Saga)	On a Collision
Course--Redux Second Chances