Ben & Phil Ch 10	 

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans.
The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the
creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the
McKenzies and friends belong to me. No infringement of any copyrights held
by CBS, Alliance, CTV, or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is
intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not
give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit. 

Drama/Romance Rated PG (some swearing) 

Steppingstones 

By SL Haas 

(Copyright December 1996, Revised June 1999) 

August 1984 

"You're going on a three-day patrol, Fraser. Get your gear together." The
abrupt words met him as he entered the RMR station. 

"Who's my partner?" Benton Fraser, RCMP, gathered the necessary equipment,
and dug through his desk for a logbook. When no answer came, he looked
inquiringly at Jason. 

Jason's face was split by an ear-to-ear wide grin. "You're to meet Dr.
Philippe McKenzie at Miller's Crossing in three hours. Think you can find
your way there?" 

Ben's answering grin was just as wide. "Let me see...hmmm...if I'm not
mistaken, isn't that a bar in Ouray?" Jason laughed as Ben hefted his pack
and started toward the door. 

"Fraser?" Ben turned back to face Jason. "I sure hope you know what you're
doing. Phil's a good friend to all of us and we don't want to see her
hurt." He shook his head, "How did you ever get past first base with her?"


"First base? I don't believe I understand the reference." Ben's lack of
familiarity with colloquialisms was well known. 

"Let's just say you’re the first man that has not gotten frostbite from
the Ice Queen. I should know! I was one of her victims. How did you do
it?" 

"It's very simple, Jason," Ben grinned at him and said the magic words, "I
love her." * * * 

His feet flew over the last stretch of trail to Miller's Crossing. Sure
enough when the platform came into view, Phil was already there. This
time, however, Ben made no mistake concerning the gender of the person
waiting for him. He knew she was female to the core. 

As he climbed the platform steps, Phil turned to him and smiled her
crooked smile. Ben walked right up to her and in his most innocent voice
asked, "Excuse me, Ma'am. Is this Miller's Crossing?" 

A look of amusement crossed Phil's face. "I'm surprised, Ben. You still
haven't figured out that this is Miller's Crossing? And if you Ma'am me
one more time, I'll Constable you." They both laughed and loaded their
gear into the basket and traversed the river. 

They hiked until they reached the fork in the trail. Ben stopped and
asked, "Where are we headed, Phil?" He was just a bit curious. "Jason said
it was a three-day patrol."  

"We're...uh...damn!" She stopped and turned to look at the man following
her. The indecision in her eyes was new to Ben. Phil's mouth opened and
closed twice before she turned away from him and sighed deeply. She
dropped her pack and dug into its depths and retrieved a small book. Ben
recognized it as the one they had shared readings from. She stroked the
cover of the book before handing it to him. "Page 34," she said in a quiet
voice. 

Ben took the book and turned to the requested page and read the short
poem: Prayer by Gail Brook Burkett I do not ask to walk smooth paths Nor
bear an easy load. I pray for strength and fortitude To climb the
rock-strewn road. Give me such courage I can scale The hardest peaks alone
And transform every stumbling block Into a steppingstone. 

He turned a puzzled glance to Phil's profile. "I don't believe I
understand." 

"T, you'll be leaving in a little over a month." She drew in a ragged
breath. "I'm not even going to go into what that is going to do to me. I'm
sorry, I don't have the strength to face that just yet." She bowed her
head. Sighing deeply she added, "...and I've been watching you. I know
that you're having much the same problems dealing with that as I am." 

"We never did talk about Canada, Phil." 

"I know, T." She turned and only then did Ben see the pain in her eyes.
"What is there to say? We both knew this was temporary. Now the time is
approaching when what we have shared will be only a memory..." She shook
herself and Ben watched the shutters settle in her eyes. "That's not why
we're here." 

"Why are we here, Phil?" 

"We're here to 'scale your hardest peak, and transform those stumbling
blocks into steppingstones.' We're going back up to Thunder Basin, back up
to the Falls, so you can face that slope and know that you have set your
fears behind you. I know you pretty well, Benton Fraser. I could tell that
something was bothering you. It took me awhile to figure it out. But when
we read this poem, it all fell into place. I'm right, aren't I?" 

Ben smiled and shook his head, "I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you
can read me so well. I'll admit I've had a couple of nightmares about that
slope..." Panic momentarily flashed across his features. "Are you sure
this is the only way? Not that I'm scared or anything, it's just that..." 

"...you'd rather not have to deal with something that almost killed
you...something that scares you witless?" 

He shook his head again. "How do you do that? How can you read me so
well?" 

"It's really quite easy, Ben. I went through the same feelings after my
fall. I had to come back up here. My fears of that slope were affecting
the way I handled everyday situations. You know, at one time I was even
afraid of the slope behind the station." She grinned at Ben's incredulous
expression. "That's right! Every time I climbed it to reach the chopper
pad, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Finally, Jason dragged
me back up to the Falls and made me face my fears. That was back when I
was dating him." 

"Hmmm..." 

"You know how much I hate it when you 'hmmm'! What are you thinking?" 

"Oh, I was just recalling a comment that Jason made today before I left
the station." The inquiring look on Phil's face caused him to shake his
head. "It's not important, Phil. Go on with your story." 

Phil gazed up into the face she had come to love. She took the couple of
steps that separated them and encircled his waist with her arms before
laying her cheek on his broad chest. "There's not much left to tell except
that it took me nearly three days to finally get up enough nerve to slide
down that slope. I was so scared and my heart was pounding so hard I
thought it would burst." Ben's hands on her back and his steady heartbeat
gently soothed her fears and replaced them with a growing desire. She
shook herself and stepped away from his solid strength. 

Ben felt a pang of loss when Phil pulled away from him. ‘Get used to it,
Benton. When you leave, you won't have her to hold anymore. You'll never
hold her again...feel her lips on yours, her body in your arms, breathe
the scent of her hair, experience her love... You'll be alone, again.’ He
realized that that thought frightened him more than facing Phil's Falls
did. He tore his thoughts away from the echoing loneliness and focused his
gaze on Phil's somber face. 

"Anyway, T, we're going back up there. Not only for you, but also for me.
I told you once before that I went up there several times a year to face
that slope. Unfortunately, I have been otherwise occupied this year." She
gave him a meaningful look then shouldered her pack and returned to the
trail. Her voice drifted back to him as he followed in her wake. "I told
Darryl and Jason what I wanted to do. Every one at the station was most
understanding." 

"Yeah, I noticed how understanding Jason was." He grimaced at the
remembered grin on Jason's face. "Are we stopping at the cabin again?" 

She stopped and turned to regard the Mountie. "Well, unless you plan on
sliding down that slope in the dark, I think we should plan on spending
the night at Vicker's." 

I don't want to slide down that slope in the daylight much less the dark,
Phil." 

"Great! I just knew you would want to tackle that slope again." She
grinned maliciously at Ben when he groaned.  

"You hate me, Phil. I can just tell you hate me. Why would you want to
torture me like this if you didn't hate me? What did I ever do to you?"
Ben fell in behind Phil as they continued up the trail they had followed
back in May. Every time he added something to his list of 'why Phil hates
me,' he could hear Phil laughing. 

"Keep it up, Fraser, and I'll push you over that cliff. It would be a
relief not to have to listen to your bellyaching!"  

Ben laughed and obediently shut up. Besides he had more interesting things
on his mind--like the way Phil's body moved in that graceful way she had
of hiking. He hungrily memorized her movements. He would definitely miss
watching her. He would miss more than just watching her...he would miss
everything about her. He would miss her. 

Time passed quickly and they soon approached the rock pinnacle that had
precipitate that first kiss. "This is a good place for a short break,"
Phil remarked. Standing in its shadow, she turned to Ben and smiled in
remembrance of past events. "You scared the living daylights out of me,
Ben. Why did you kiss me? I've wanted to ask you that question for some
time now." 

Ben returned her smile, dropped his pack, and helped Phil remove hers.
"Why did I kiss you?" He looked around at the slope before him. "I guess
it started when I saw you lying on the ground. I watched your eyes
change." 

"My what change?" 

"Your eyes changed. First they were intent on getting your picture just
right, then when I was standing over you, they changed to puzzlement then
fear." He pulled her to him, slid her glasses off, and gently kissed her
eyelids. "I just wanted to make the fear go away." He kissed her nose.
"But I didn't do that, did I?"	

Phil shook her head.  

"I scared you even more, didn't I?"  

Phil nodded her head.  

"Would it scare you now if I kissed you again?" he breathed against her
lips.  

Phil shook her head.  

"Do you want me to kiss you again?"  

Phil nodded her head.  

"How much do you want me to kiss you?"	

Phil groaned and slid her hands up his back until her fingers tangled in
his hair. She pulled his face down to hers and kissed him deeply, sliding
her tongue across his lips and into his mouth. Ben returned the fervency
of the kiss. 

Too soon they parted. Phil leaned her head against Ben's chest. He buried
his face in her neck holding her close. He was drowning, drowning in his
love for this woman. The things she could do to him. He no longer tried to
control his body's response to her closeness. He knew it was futile. He
drew her closer, letting her feel his need for her. He wasn't surprised
when she drew away. 

"No, Ben." The glazed look in her eyes was gradually replaced by fear.
He'd done it again--frightened her. When would he learn to take it slow?
But she had desired him as much as he had her. What had happened? 

"We need to move on, T. We still have a ways to go before we get to
Vicker's Cabin." 

"Phil, you make it hard on a man. There are no cold showers out here. I
want you and I know you want me." 

"This is neither the time nor the place to be discussing something this
personal, Ben. Please, can we just forget this ever happened?" But how
could she forget it? She had felt so alive, so vital. She wanted to feel
that way again but, not here and not now. She needed more from this man
than just physical desire. 

"I'm sorry, Phil. I can't turn my feelings or desires on and off like a
tap." He stared at her, wanting to say more but knowing that he couldn't.
"If you'll excuse me, I have to go take care of some business." He turned
away from her and hurried down the slope toward the trees and the trail.
Rounding a large rock that placed him out of sight of Phil, he stopped and
leaned against the rock. His hands moved to his belt. He hurt so
badly...he wanted Phil... 

Phil watched his back as he moved away from her. Finally, she climbed to
the base of the rock finger and sat down to wait for Ben's return. She
buried her face in her arms and placed them on her knees. She didn't want
to fight with Ben. There was so little time left to them, then he would be
gone--gone from her life forever. A new pain joined the old one in her
heart. She was certain now that all Ben really felt for her was a physical
attraction. 'I'll bet, the moment I gave into him, he would be off to find
greener pastures. I am such a fool. How could I have ever believed he
really loved me?' She laughed bitterly wishing yet again that she had
never met Benton Fraser. Well, he wasn't going to be here much longer. She
could survive. She didn't need any man. She had her brothers. 

Why, then, did she feel so miserable knowing that Ben didn't love her
enough to want all of her? She mentally slapped herself and set about
rebuilding the wall around her heart Ben had so carelessly broken. It was
too bad that some of the pieces were missing and, try as she might, there
were gaps in her wall of defense that she couldn't fill. Her dark thoughts
were interrupted as she saw him leave the trees and climb the slope to
where she sat. They shouldered their packs and Ben fell in behind Phil. He
did not speak to her for quite a while. 

Phil was not used to hiking in silence. She was used to a friendly
give-and-take companionship with her friends. The silence radiating from
the body behind her was unnerving. Why wouldn't he say something? She had
tried several different topics, but each had been summarily rejected.
Finally, Phil stopped trying and hiked on in a silence of her own. 

They followed the small stream up its narrow cut. Ben recognized it the
moment they turned into it. By now he was sorry for the way he had treated
Phil. What right did he have to demand something as precious as her body?
None. He had made no commitment to her. He couldn't. He was leaving soon.
He would never see her again. If she didn't want to have sex with him, why
did he feel like she had denied him something that was rightfully his? He
shook his head. Phil continued to amaze him. Most women he had encountered
were so eager to get him in their beds that he had to fight them off. Now
he was on the receiving end of the same situation. He would certainly have
a different perspective of those women in the future. Now he could
empathize with their wants and needs. 

Vicker's cabin came into view. The sight brought memories to both their
minds. They silently set about making camp. Ben made an overture to Phil.
"Do we have to cross that slope? How about we don't, and say we did?" She
looked at him. The withdrawn look in her eyes hurt. 

"If that's what you really want. You can stay here while I make my run
down the slope." She was tired of playing this game. If he wanted the
silent treatment, she could give as well as any of them. After all, she
was the Ice Queen. He could definitely benefit from a case of frostbite.
‘I should have done this months ago. Maybe, if I had, I wouldn't be
hurting like I am,’ she thought as she opened the door to the storage
closet. 

"I'm sorry, Phil." It was said so softly that Phil almost didn't hear it.
She turned an inquiring eye to him. 

"What?" 

"I said I was sorry. I should never have pushed you like that. Can you see
your way to forgive this sorry excuse for a Mountie?" He smiled his most
winsome. 

Phil stared at him. She blinked her eyes a time or two. She was having a
hard time keeping a straight face. ‘Sorry excuse for a Mountie? Where does
he come up with these lines? And that smile--if he only knew what that
smile does to me. Sorry excuse?’ she thought as the laugh that threatened
to break loose won control of her mouth. 

"That's better, Phil. I was wrong. Can you forgive me for wanting you so
badly that it hurts?" She smiled at him and nodded her head. ‘Damn,’ he
thought as his body responded to her smile. 

There was a slight nip in the air, so a fire was built in the fireplace.
Their beds were unrolled (Phil's on the foam mattress from the storage
closet) and the two of them reclined on the beds. They purposefully sat
apart, knowing that a closer contact could only result in more hurt
feelings. Still, the looks they shared spoke of their desire for each
other. Finally, Ben took the initiative and slid his lean form over next
to Phil. 

"Why?" 

"Why what, T?" 

"Why do you deny what we both want?" 

She looked into his eyes and saw the puzzled hurt buried in their depths.
She sighed, turned to him, and buried her face in his shirt. She was
amazed at how she could again find the buttons on his shirt to be such an
engrossing study. "I won't lie to you, Ben. I have dreamed of making love
to you. I want you as badly as you seem to want me. But, I can't give
myself to you without some kind of commitment. I need to know that you
want me for more than just the physical side of love." 

"Phil, you have to believe me when I say I do love you. I can't deny that
I want you. My own body would make me a liar. But I do love you--your firm
grasp on reality, your refusal to be a stereotypical female, your warped
humor—you made me feel loved for myself, not just my looks. You fill an
emptiness in me. I don't feel alone anymore." The words were hard to speak
around the lump in his throat. "Cat told me that when I found the woman
that would take away my loneliness and fill all the empty spaces in my
heart then I would know that I'd found my soul mate. Phil, you are my soul
mate and I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life." 

She toyed with the button letting his loving words sink into her heart.
Still, he need to know where she was coming from, maybe he would
understand her fears. Maybe he could help her face those fears. "There's
more, Ben. I've thought about this a lot. You grew up without a mother and
a father that you barely knew. I grew up without a mother and a father who
hated me." She looked into his eyes, and drew in a deep breath. It was now
or never. "I promised myself many years ago that I would never be
responsible for bringing a child into this world who would not have the
love of both a mother and a father." She laughed, but there was a distinct
note of bitterness in it. "Believe me, I've even thought about having your
child...at least I would have a part of you with me. But I've realized
that that is selfish of me. I'm sorry, Ben, but I'm not willing to take
that kind of chance." 

Ben swallowed and continued to hold Phil close to him. A child? He
honestly hadn't even considered that possibility. What was he thinking? He
knew where babies came from; it had just never entered the picture when
his desires for Phil built. He thought back to his lonely childhood. Did
he want his child to experience the loneliness that he had grown up with?
No, he wanted to be there for his child. He wanted to be there when he/she
was born, to hold his son or daughter, to watch him/her take his/her first
steps, to watch him/her grow, to hear his child call him 'daddy,' to read
bedtime stories, to do all the things he had never experienced as a child
himself.  

"Thank you, Phil," he whispered in her ear. She lifted her head and looked
at him quizzically. "Thank you for your down-to-earth common sense. You're
like...like..." 

"A millstone around your neck?" 

"No, more like...like an anchor that keeps me from drifting aimlessly." 

"That sounds more like a drag-line to me!" 

Ben only chuckled and held her close. A child? He closed his eyes and
imagined Phil holding a tiny baby...his baby. Tears burned at the back of
his eyes at the thought of what could never be. He ached for the child
they would never have. Why did he hurt so much? "I'm sorry, Phil," he
whispered in her ear. 

"Sorry for what, T?" Phil searched her mind for the offense. "There's
nothing to be sorry for." 

"I'm sorry that I involved both of us in this mess." Phil noticed the
catch in his voice. "If I hadn't pursued you neither one of us would be
hurting now. I'm sorry for the hurt and sadness that I've brought to
you...to me." He turned his head away, not wanting her to see how upset he
was. 

Phil gently turned his face to hers surprised to see a lone tear wending
it's way down his cheek. "Ben..." she quickly kissed the tear away. "Ben,
please don't be sorry for what we've shared." She held his face in her
hands and stared into his glacier blue eyes. "At least now I can say that
I know what love is..." The tears built in her eyes as well. "Love is you,
T--pure and simple, love, for me, will always be you. I will cherish my
memories of you and what we shared for the rest of my life." She drew in a
shaky breath. "Thank you, Ben, for showing me what love is." She gently
kissed the lips that descended to meet hers. 

All too soon they lay on their separate bedrolls trying to get the sleep
neither one could seem to find. Ben stared at the ceiling and listened as
Phil shifted on her bedroll once again. She had tossed and turned
continually since they had both retired. "Phil, are you still awake?" The
restless movements ceased. "I know you're awake." 

"I'm sorry, T. I didn't realize that I was keeping you awake." 

"What's the problem?" 

"I don't know...I just can't seem to get comfortable." 

He lay there for a few minutes more, made his decision, and rose from his
bedroll. Phil sat up and watched as Ben opened the storage closet, removed
the second foam mattress, and laid it next to her own. Motioning for her
to stand, he spread his bedroll over the two adjacent mattresses then
spread hers on top of his. 

"T, I thought we discussed this earlier." 

"We discussed sex earlier, we didn't discuss sleeping, and only sleeping,
together." 

"I'm not sleeping with you!" 

"Why not? You've done it before!" 

"I have not! Honestly, I don't know where you get these ideas of yours, T!
Don't you think I'd remember if we had slept together?" 

"How much do you remember about your little jaunt to Blue Basin?" 

Mouth suddenly dry, she stared at the man sitting before her. She closed
her eyes. A shiver ran up her spine and her hair stood on end. She opened
her eyes to look at Ben's upturned face. "I don't remember much, T. Just a
few scattered thoughts and images. Don't tell me I...you...I mean...did
we..." Her eyes took on a haunted cast.  

He reached out a hand and tugged her down until she was seated next to
him. She slid easily into his arms. Ben held her to his chest as she
sought the memories requested. 

"I remember the cascade, the horses, being cold, then hot, you, and I
think there was a woman with blue eyes." She swallowed, "I don't remember
much more than that." She turned troubled eyes to search his face. "What
happened there? I want to know what happened." 

He settled her face against his chest and began a quick retelling of the
events of those few days now several months in the past. Phil listened to
his heartbeat as the story unfolded. "So, after I found you, I carried you
to the cabin. You were hypothermic and soaked to the skin. I had to warm
you up. I stripped your wet clothes from you, dried you off, and put a dry
shirt on you. I covered you with all the blankets I could find. Nothing
seemed to work. Even the fire I built didn't warm you." He drew in a deep
breath, "So, I stripped and climbed into bed with you and used my body
heat to warm you. As I held you, you stopped fidgeting and rested. I fell
asleep with you in my arms." 

He held her close while this information soaked in. Finally, she raised
her face and looked into his face, noting how the firelight played across
his cheeks and nose. "There's more, isn't there?" 

"Yes, but it only has to do with bringing your fever down and realizing
how much I loved you and wishing the storm would let up and being afraid
that you might die and I would never have a chance to tell you how much
you meant to me and worrying about what TJ would do if something happened
to you and..." Phil placed a finger against his lips silencing his
outburst. Ben gently kissed the finger then sought her mouth. 

Phil drew slowly back from his embrace. She gazed deeply into his eyes.
"So, what you're saying is that if I was comfortable sleeping with you
before, it might help me sleep tonight?" 

"Something along those lines. Are you willing to trust me, Phil? I promise
not to do anything except hold you." 

She continued her perusal of the depths of his eyes. What she saw there
eased her mind. "Okay, T. But, I'm only doing this because we both need
some sleep before we face that slope tomorrow." She pushed away from him
and stretched her slender form out on her portion of the bedroll. She felt
Ben settle on his portion. She jumped when his arm snaked over her side
and pulled her body up next to his. She was spooned against his chest. She
felt his warm breath on the back of her neck. How could she have ever been
comfortable like this? Every nerve in her body was on fire. She was
conscious of every move he made, of every place where his body touched
hers. 

"Phil, relax," Ben breathed against her neck. He could feel the tension in
her body. He could hear her rapid breathing. He used his hand to gently
stroke her arm, her shoulder, urging her to relax. Gradually he felt the
tension unwind and her breathing slow and deepen as she finally slipped
into sleep. His hand moved now to her hip and thigh, gently stroking her.
Finally his arm moved up and wrapped around her torso, his hand cupping
her breast. He buried his face in the back of her neck, inhaled deeply,
and followed her into slumber. * * * 

They topped the ridge and paused to take in the view of Thunder Basin. It
was breath taking. The golden aspens quaked as the wind soughed through
the scattered stands. Sunlight glinted off the waterfalls. An occasional
rock clattered down the slope. How could any one spot be so beautiful, yet
so deadly? Ben looked at the rock slope. He swallowed carefully. The slope
below them was deceptively peaceful. 

They approached the first rock outcrop. Phil uncoiled the rope she had
carried with her. "I'll take the first leg," she smiled as she hooked the
rope to the ring in the rock. "You can head the next one." She hooked her
harness to the rope and took a step toward the scree slope. "You do
remember how to do this, don't you?" and she grinned that evil grin of
hers. 

"Yes, I think I remember. You hook you harness to the rope and then take
leave of your senses. Something like skiing without the snow or the skis."
His reply was in the driest tone he could muster. Heaven knows his mouth
was dry enough with the apprehension the slope brought. 

Phil laughed and launched herself onto the slope. She seemed to take a
delight in starting all kinds of avalanches as she made her way to the
next rock outcrop. "Your turn!" she yelled up at him. 

Grasping the rope for dear life, Ben managed to stay upright all the way
to the next outcrop. "How do you manage to make that look so easy?" he
asked as he pulled up next to her. 

"I've had years of practice, T, mostly alone. Believe me when I say I know
this slope." 

Admiration shone in his eyes. "How did you negotiate this slope before the
rings were in place?" 

Phil looked at him and then back up the slope. "Very carefully. I put the
rings in after the first time I came back here. Sure, I needed to face
this slope, but I didn't need to get myself killed doing it! Believe me
when I say I don't want to go over the edge again." 

"I believe you. I don't want to experience that again, either!" The both
laughed a bit self-consciously. He looked at the slope before them. "I
guess, I have to go first on this next leg?" 

She nodded. "You need to face this slope on you own...not anchored to a
lifeline like before. On this slide, the rope will act as a tether. It's
not like having both ends fastened. If you slip, you won't go over the
edge, but the ride is not something to look forward to."  

"What do I need to do?" 

"Get a good hold on the line, allow yourself some slack, but not much. You
can take it slow and cautious or fast and furious. I've done it both ways.
Which ever method you choose, don't let go the line. If you slip, I'll be
the one to catch you so you don't slide too far. So...hang on to the line
for dear life!" He nodded his understanding and Phil carefully placed the
coil of rope where it wouldn't snag on something. He checked his harness,
took another look at the slope, and turned to Phil. 

"Which method do you suggest I try?" 

"Both have their merits. If you take it slow you can plan each step you
take. You know, aim for the big rocks..." 

"...not the little ones. I remember, Phil." 

"The drawback to that method is that it takes longer to do than the other.
With the fast method it's over quick." 

"And how do I do the fast method?" 

Phil chuckled, "You run like a bat-out-of-hell and you just don't stop!" 

Ben looked down toward the next rock outcrop. "Where's the ring?" he
asked. 

Phil pointed to a large outcrop of gneiss. "See that rock that has the
pink squiggles that look like an ocean wave?" Ben marked the rock and
nodded to Phil. "It's at the base of that outcrop." 

"Do I have to slide all the way up to it or does the sliding stop before I
get to it?" 

She grimaced, "All the way, I'm afraid." 

"I aim for the big rocks not the little ones?" 

Phil checked his harness and made sure he was securely hooked to the rope.
"Just let the rope out slowly. You'll do fine, T. I know you will." 

He took one last look at Phil, then stepped out on the slope. It really
wasn't as bad as he had thought. If he moved quickly he could stay ahead
of most of the slides that he started. It was a lot like wading through
the swift current of a river--just keep moving--maintain
balance--slide--watch out for that rock. Before he knew it he reached the
gneiss boulder and safety. He latched the rope to the ring and attached
the next rope. He attached his harness to the second rope, stood, and
motioned for Phil to follow. 

Phil watched Ben step out on the slope and slide. She knew just how much
courage it took to do that. The first time she had come back after her
accident it had taken her two days to work up enough nerve to do it. Ben
had done it in less than an hour. She was amazed at his courage. On second
thought, she realized that that was just the kind of man he was. She
proudly watched his progress. He traversed that scree slope like he had
been doing it all his life. 

At last they stood triumphantly at the bottom of the slope—a slope that
had been conquered once more. Ben hugged Phil to him, lifted her off her
feet, and swung her in a circle. By the time he set her back on her feet
she was laughing. He smothered her giggles with kisses that only made her
laugh more.  

"See, now, that wasn't so bad, was it?" 

"No, but, I don't think I could have made it without you, Phil."  

"Of course you could have. It's just easier if there's someone to cheer
you on. You were fantastic." 

"I owe it all to you, Phil. If you hadn't risked your life to same mine, I
wouldn't be here to share this experience with you." He led her over to
the edge of the cliff. "I saw something in your eyes when you were holding
me, keeping me from falling...something that called to me. I think that
was the moment I fell in love with you." He took her into his arms and
gently kissed the face turned to him. 

"I'm going to miss you, Ben. I wish you didn't have to go home." Phil
gently pushed away from Ben's arms and turned away from him. She picked
her way along the edge of the precipice until she reached the point where
Ben had gone over the edge. Pushing some rocks out of the way with her
foot, she sat down and closed her eyes. She heard Ben's careful approach
and the settling of his body next to hers. 

"I wish I didn't have to go, too, Phil." Ben's reply was whisper-soft.
They traded glances filled with pain and sadness then turned to stare at
the scenery before them. 

Sitting on the edge of the precipice they both enjoyed the music of the
waterfalls, the wind in the trees, and the lone call of a circling hawk.
"Do the northern lights ever play this far south?" Ben asked quietly. 

Phil gave him a puzzled look, "The aurora borealis?" He nodded and
returned Phil's gaze. "I've never seen it. I've never seen the aurora. Is
it as beautiful as I've heard?" 

Ben's face took on a faraway look. "It's probably the most beautiful light
show I have ever experienced." 

A wistful note played through Phil's husky voice. "I would love to see
them someday, Ben." 

"Someday I'll show them to you." He whispered the lie in her ear, gave her
a gentle kiss, and held her close. His heart ached. 'Someday, Phil, I want
to watch the aurora's lights play across your body as I make love to you.
Someday...' His thoughts continually turned to the problem that faced him.
Why was he denying what he was feeling? He was going to be hurt just as
badly as she was when he went home. 

What was he going to do when he left her behind? An important part of him
would wither and die, that's what. There had to be something that he could
do to prevent Phil's heart from breaking...to prevent his own from
breaking as well. Surely there was a solution that would help both of
them. He buried his face in her neck and searched for an answer to their
dilemma. His time was fast running out. 

  

To be continued (?) 

Copyright December 1996 by SL Haas 

Revised June 1999 

Comments are welcome at durango@ionet.net 

  

Fraser’s Secret (Book 1)  On a Collision Course Nocturnal Duet Jumping to
Conclusions "In the Kiss of One Girl" Real Conversations Icnites,
Montmorillonite, and Bentonite, Oh My! An Acquired Taste "…a Dish Best
Served Cold" Like Thunder When It Rains Steppingstones The First
Consciousness An Answered Dream Since We Parted The Fine Line That
Separates Moments of Regret Benton's Secret