from the Canadian author Carol Shields and her book Happenstance	

This is the 1999 rewritten version of a story that I first posted in 1997.


Many thanks to Mrs Fish for allowing me to use a line from her story
Consequences of Your Actions (it's in paragraph four). BTW, the title is
borrowed from a Howard Spring novel of the same name. Canadian author
Carol Shields and her book Happenstance inspired the layout.  

Contains original character who belongs solely to me. 

Rated NC-17 for m/m and m/f sex  

Comments welcome at mullum@tig.com.au  

  

THERE IS NO ARMOUR  

by Carol Trendall   

  

PROLOGUE  

MEG'S STORY   

"So, you're transfer has been approved, Constable. I've already arranged
your replacement and he'll be here by Friday. You can leave after a
handover." Inspector Thatcher's terse voice softened as she continued, "I
don't suppose you've changed your mind about telling me the reason for
your request for urgent transfer?"  

"No, Sir," Constable Benton Fraser said calmly, looking at a spot
somewhere behind her head. 

"Very well, Constable. I'm sorry to lose you." 

"Thank you kindly, Sir," he replied, without emotion, then nodded and
moved away to his office.  

Meg Thatcher smiled sadly at his retreating back. She wanted to tell him
she had noticed he no longer wore the wedding ring he had sported for the
last month or so. She also wanted to tell him she had figured out what
happened, but most of all she wanted to tell him he was better off without
Detective Ray Vecchio.	

A week later Constable Benton Fraser left Chicago as he had arrived alone
with his belonging in his backpack and Diefenbaker at his side.  

  

BEN'S STORY   

Fraser stared out the window of the plane as it left the city he had
called home for nearly two years. The city probably wouldn't notice he'd
left, he thought somewhat bitterly. Ray certainly wouldn't care. For the
hundredth, maybe thousandth time Fraser relived the events he wanted so
much to forget...  

It was all because of the commitment ceremony. Ray had agreed to the
ceremony readily enough, seemingly eager to show Fraser how much he loved
him, but it hadn't taken much to change that. On Ray's first day at work
Elaine had noticed Ray's shiny new wedding ring within five minutes of his
walking in the door. That, of course, led to Ray doing a lot more
explaining than he had wanted to, which in turn lead to Ray doing a lot
more thinking than he should. Fraser was surprised that night when Ray
came home drunk, very drunk,  

"You and your damned commitment ceremony! It shoulda never happened. We
shoulda never happened Fraser. It was a mistake. It's taken me this long
to realise it. The only reason I fucked you that first time was because I
was so damned glad you were alive. You're my friend Benny, nothin' more."
Ray's words had shocked Fraser and his own response had been bitter, very
bitter.  

"Did you ever love me, Ray, or did you just enjoy having your cock sucked
every night?"  

It had been that easy to end it. That night Fraser left the apartment he
and Ray had shared for six months and moved into a cheap hotel near the
Consulate. They had barely spoken since that night. Ray was too angry and
Fraser was too hurt and it seemed there was nothing to say anyway. For
several agonising weeks Fraser lived with the hope that Ray would realise
the mistake he had made and would one day appear in his office, full of
regret and asking him to come home. He'd even imagined the whispered
apologies, the hot kisses, and the lovemaking.	

When he finally accepted Ray would not come for him, Fraser applied for an
urgent transfer back to the Territories. There was no use prolonging his
pain and Chicago was no longer his home, he needed to be somewhere he
belonged.  

Fraser sighed heavily, feeling a physical ache at his memories. Reaching
into his pocket he drew out the wedding ring he had stopped wearing the
day he applied for his transfer, the day he finally admitted it was over.
The inscription read, 'BF my love forever RV'. Tears pricked at Fraser's
eyes and he clutched the band tightly in his fist. After a while he
replaced the ring in his pocket and let numbness spread over him. He
stayed numb for the rest of the trip, mostly unaware of the succession of
planes and buses that were carrying him north, taking him home.  

  

  

The heaviness in Fraser's heart lifted slightly as the bus pulled up in
the main street of Moose Jaw. He was glad to be home. He could see that
Diefenbaker, too, was excited by the familiar scents. He took a lungful of
air as he stepped from the bus and scanned the street, looking for the
face of the old friend who was coming to meet them.  

Eventually he saw the leg of a Mountie uniform getting out of a Toyota
Landcruiser and he headed towards it, Dief bounding in front of him. As
they approached, the rest of the Mountie emerged from the vehicle, eyes
sweeping the street. Those same eyes lit up when they saw Fraser and
Diefenbaker. Within seconds the compact frame of Constable Catherine
Madden was across the street and in Fraser's arms.  

She hugged him tightly, raining kisses on his face, then dropped to her
knees to hug Diefenbaker.  

"It's good to see you, Ben," the tiny woman exclaimed, on her feet again
and wriggling into his arms  

"Oh Cat, it's good to see you too." Fraser tightened his embrace and held
her for a long time. She settled her head onto his chest and he sighed
deeply, until that moment unaware of how long it had been since anyone had
held him. Eventually he released her.  

"You needed that, huh?" she asked.  

Fraser nodded mutely and with a final muss of his hair she grinned and
drew him towards her vehicle. 

"Let's get you home and then you can tell me all about it."  

He stopped and pulled her around to face him. "I'm only staying until I
rebuild the cabin."  

"Fraser, stay as long as you need to, my home is your home, you should
know that by now." She steered him towards the car, with Diefenbaker
frolicking in front of them.  

  

Fraser had met Cathy Madden 15 years earlier, when they were both freshly
trained Mounties. Although they had done their RCMP training at the same
time, they didn't really know each other. Fraser Snr had worked with Cathy
on many occasions, but Ben never had.  

It was a kitten that caused their friendship, a kitten far too young to be
away from its mother. Unable to locate the mother, Fraser asked his
Sergeant for advice. The Sergeant had suggested he take the kitten to
Constable Cathy Madden because she was a wildlife carer who took in
injured and orphaned animals. He assured the young Fraser that she would
be able to help. At the end of his shift, feeling pleased with himself,
Fraser had zipped the kitten into the front of his jacket and drove the 50
miles out to Cathy Madden's large house in Riverhurst. To his delight she
had been excited.  

"I normally only take wildlife, but I'm a sucker for cats, I love them."
And with those words she had plunged her hands into the front of Fraser's
jacket, hands scrabbling against his chest until the kitten was in her
grasp. He had been shocked and excited by the unexpected touch. She
invited him to stay for dinner and he accepted eagerly. During the course
of the evening she told him how her parents were both zoologists and she
had grown up surrounded by animals. Caring for injured wildlife had been a
natural progression. She showed him some of the animals she was caring for
and somewhere between a loon with one leg and a snow goose with a broken
wing, Fraser fell in love. They made love that night and many, many nights
after.	

Watching Cathy with the kitten and then later as she nuzzled against his
body, Fraser was struck by how feline her movements were. She said it was
because she had been a cat in a previous life. From then on he called her
Cat, and she approved, purring into his ear as they lay naked together
each night. Cat was Ben's first lover, something she found unbelievable.
She had teased him and said she had a lot to teach him and he said she
would be surprised at what a quick learner he was. And she was.  

During their time together, Cat taught Ben a lot more than the mechanics
of sex. She also taught him how to love. It was this lesson that enabled
him, many years later, to find love with a tough Chicago cop.  

Ben and Cat's love affair lasted a year, until their differing needs
forced them apart. Fraser took his hurt to the remotest parts of the
Territories and he did not speak to Cat for a long time. Eventually she
was the one to contact him. She called to tell him the kitten they had
named Laura, for no particular reason, was having kittens of her own.
Fraser rushed to be there and they wept and laughed together as Laura
produced four perfect babies. By this time the pain of their separation
had eased and the reason was long forgotten. They were able to admit they
missed each other and still wanted to be a part of each other's lives.
They knew they shared something special. Both of them acknowledged that a
relationship in the conventional sense would not work, but love, respect
and many shared experiences bound them together in a way that rose above
convention. It was this bond that kept them close friends and occasional
lovers for 15 years.  

Over the years Fraser had stopped wondering about Cat's seeming lack of
need for a permanent relationship. To him she seemed perfectly at peace,
her time well occupied with a job she loved and a constant stream of sick
and injured animals. Her rambling house was always full of love and
happiness and Laura's ever increasing offspring. She seemed to have no
need for anything else. She had lovers, of course, more lovers than he
cared to think about, but she was always there for him and she became a
safe haven for him. A place to go when he needed answers.  

Cat told Fraser their closeness was because they knew each other from a
previous life. Fraser wasn't sure if he believed this, but had to admit
she knew too many things intuitively and eventually he had stopped asking
how.  

People who knew them thought they were both a little crazy, and maybe they
were, but Cat was always the one person Fraser cold rely on. Her love for
him was unconditional and she always gave him what he needed to help him
through his current crisis. He had seen it many times over the span of
their friendship. It was to Cat that Fraser went, racked with guilt, when
he arrested Victoria Metcalfe, despite his love for her.  

After hearing his story she said, in her no-nonsense way. "Don't confuse
love with exploding sub-atomic particles in the sky. "	

He had laughed and replied, "I should know better than to ask the daughter
of two scientists."  

It was to Cat he went, many years later, with the wolf with the broken
eardrum who had saved his life.  

"It's a sign Ben, you're meant to be together," she had said and by then
he knew better than to question her knowledge.	

It was to Cat he went, much later, when his father was killed. She held
him as he cried all night.  

It was to Cat he had gone the first time he had been attracted to another
man.  

"There is no armour against love, Ben. Don't think straight or gay, just
love them," she had said and from then on he loved both men and women with
equal passion.	

Then he met Ray. It was to Ray he went when Victoria broke his heart and
put his future in jeopardy. Then he loved Ray.	

Now, it was to Cat that Fraser went when Ray broke his heart.  

  

Once home, Cat helped Fraser take his bags to her room. There was no need
for discussion about sleeping arrangements. The only time Fraser did not
share Cat's bed was when someone else did.  

In the comfortably familiar room, Fraser began to unpack as Cat shed her
uniform, revealing a lilac lace teddy underneath. He smiled at the sight.
She had always dressed every day as if at the end of it she would be
undressing for a lover. That she still did it made him feel strangely
comforted and reassured. He sat on the edge of the bed, watching as she
pulled clothes from her closet. 

"Well Fraser," she said, stepping into worn jeans, "let's hear it".  

He smiled at her innocently wondering, as always, why he thought he could
hide things from her. 

"C'mon Fraser, I know you better than that." She frowned at him as she
pulled an old RCMP sweatshirt over her head. "I've spoken to you, what, 6
times since you went to Chicago? Which, by the way, is something I'll yell
at you for later. Next thing, you tell me you've applied for an urgent
transfer and now you turn up looking skinny as a rake and looking like you
haven't slept in a week." She rested her hands on her hips and waited for
his answer. 

Ben stared at the dynamo standing over him, recognising her determined
body language. He knew he had to tell her. Rubbing a hand over his face he
began.	

"Oh Cat." He sighed a world-weary sigh. "It's a long story." 

 She watched him for a while, an expression on her face that Fraser could
not decipher.  

"It's that bitch again, isn't it?" she demanded, suddenly angry. "I told
you 10 years ago and I told you again when she came back last year ...." 

Fraser held up his hands effectively stopping her rant, as he realised
what worried his friend.  

"This has nothing to do with Victoria."  

Cat's shoulders dropped and her hands fell from her hips. Fraser knew she
hated Victoria Metcalfe, she had always said she was evil. And she had
been right. 

Fraser looked at his feet, struggling to find the words he needed. His
eyes filled with tears and his voice wouldn't work. He had done enough
holding back and now it was time to let go. He was safe.  

Cat moved to sit beside him, sliding her arms around his shoulders. The
simple gesture undid him. Emotions he had managed to keep under control
for the last month bubbled suddenly to the surface. The ferocity of his
grief scared them both. Fraser curled into an almost foetal position
against the warmth of Cat's body, the physical contact providing much
needed comfort. He wept for a long time, allowing himself to submit to the
pain, as he never had before.  

Fraser did not know how long he had sat curled against his friend, but
finally he got to his feet and crossed the room to a windowseat, where he
sat, resting his forearms on his knees and looking at the floor.  

"I'm in love with someone who doesn't ever want to see me again," he said
in a low, harsh voice.	

"Why?"	

"It's ...... complicated, Cat." He looked up, meeting her unnerving gaze.
"Things got in the way ... family, friends ... some people didn't think we
should be together."  

"This person ... you're not talking about a woman are you Ben?"  

"No." The word was forced out on a breath as he stood and began to pace.
"No, I'm not."	

"Now I understand."  

"But there's something else." He fished in the pocket of his jeans for his
wedding ring.  

She took it from him and read the inscription. "You got married? Is that
legal in Chicago?" She handed the ring back, an unreadable expression on
her face. 

"The legalities didn't matter to us. It was a commitment ceremony, sort of
a public statement. The service was performed in a church, that was
important to Ray." The memory brought a smile to his stricken face  

"Wait, are you saying 'RV', is Ray Vecchio?" she asked, incredulous.  

He smiled at her, enjoying the surprise on her face. "Why, Cat, I thought
nothing could shock you?"  

"Jesus, Ben, how did that happen? I mean, from what you've told me about
this guy, I would hardly have picked him for the marrying kind, much less
the man-marrying kind. I didn't even know you were interested in him".	

He smiled broadly, precious memories flooding into his thoughts. "Neither
did I, at first. One day I just realised I was in love with him. It was as
simple as that."  

She shook her head and smiled. "By now I shouldn't be surprised at
anything you do, Benton Fraser. Now tell why this man, who needs his head
examined by the way, doesn't want to see you again?"  

Fraser squared his shoulders before sitting down again. He sighed and
began his story. He told her everything; the fire, Ray's family, their
apartment and finally, how it ended. He was shaking by the time he
finished, the pain of it still too new.  

"I'm sorry, Ben, I don't know what to say."  

He sat back against the window and took a deep breath. "There's nothing to
say. I just need time. That's why I came back. Ray made Chicago seem
bearable but without him it seems ... empty. At least here I can rebuild
the cabin and get on with my life."  

"Did you talk to Ray before you left?"	

"No, Cat, there was nothing to say. Ray made his feelings, or lack of
them, perfectly clear....."  

"But he was drunk, Ben! For gods sakes, you can't believe this man who
declared his love for you at great personal risk and in the most public
way, would just change his mind about how he feels in one night?" 

Fraser heard the frustration in her voice. They had had conversations like
this before.  

His response was bitter. "Sometimes alcohol makes people say things they
wouldn't normally have the courage to say." 

"Oh please!" She rolled her eyes. "He said he loved you, Ben. What do you
suppose made him say that?" 

Cat's mocking tone made him defensive. "I waited weeks for Ray to come to
me and he didn't. I'm not wasting any more energy on something I can't
change, no matter how much I want it. He's a detective, he'll find me if
he wants to." His voice was agitated and strained by the time he finished.


She hugged him quickly and then said, "It's OK, I understand, Ben." She
changed the subject. "You haven't told me about the commitment ceremony,
would you prefer not to talk about it yet?"  

This brought the smile back to his face. "I'll tell you about it, it was
the best day of my life." 

He took a seat by the window again and began to tell her every detail. He
told her about the support from the church and the Pastor, he told her
about the words they had said to each other and how they shared a meal
with some people from the church afterwards. He told her how they moved
his possessions to the new apartment they had chosen as their home. He
told her how they toyed with the idea of staying in a hotel, but somehow
it seemed more important to spend the night in their new how. A rush of
warmth filled Fraser as he remembered that night ...  

"I've never seen you look so happy, Ray," he said as they entered the
apartment, they place they would live together.  

"I've never been this happy, Benny. I didn't know I could be this happy."
Ray moved closer and slipped his arms around Fraser's waist. "In fact this
is the best thing I've ever done."  

"Me too," Fraser agreed, returning Ray's embrace.  

He began to nuzzle his lover's neck and Ray moaned softly, moving his
hands up Fraser's back. They broke their embrace momentarily and hurriedly
shed their jackets and shoes. In one swift movement Fraser pinned Ray
against the wall and began undoing his pants. He kissed Ray's throat and
pushed his pants to the floor.	

"Oh god, Benny," Ray murmured, pulling Fraser's shirt free of his trousers
so he could get to the skin underneath.  

Ray fumbled with Fraser's clothes and managed to get the shirt undone and
off his shoulders before kissing Fraser's smooth chest, causing him to
throw his head back in ecstasy. Fraser was still fumbling with the buttons
on Ray's shirt, eager to feel his skin. In frustration he grabbed the
shirt and ripped it open, sending buttons flying.  

"That's a new shirt, Benny," Ray grinned as Fraser captured a nipple
between his teeth  

"I'll get you a new one," Fraser whispered and then silenced Ray with his
mouth.	

Fraser couldn't remember who had pulled who into the bedroom or how they
got the rest of their clothing off. All he could remember was the smell
and feel of Ray as they made love over and over.  

Just as the thoughts were threatening to overcome him he heard Cat's
voice, as if from a distance.  

"Ben, it's late. I think you should get some sleep."  

"Yes," He rubbed his eyes. "Yes, you're right."  

"I'll feed the cats and then I'll be up soon."	

  

He sat for a moment after Cat had left the room. His heart still pounded
from the memory of Ray and he began to feel like he was losing control. In
an attempt to clear his head, he headed to the bathroom, hoping a shower
would wash away the feeling on Ray's hands on his body. But nothing seemed
to help. It was easier as he got into bed a little later. Cat's room held
so many other memories for him and he concentrated on those instead.  

Fraser was drowsy when Cat joined him in bed and in no time he was curled,
spoon-fashion, around his small friend. He breathed a long, deep sigh and
relaxed, trying not to think anymore. Cat wriggled against him and a
stirring in his groin startled him into sudden wakefulness. A hot flush
travelled the length of his body and Cat turned in his arms, sensing the
change.  

Their lips met in a comforting kiss and from somewhere deep within him
came a rush of passion and need that took them both by surprise. Fraser
tangled his hands in Cat's hair and plunged his tongue into her mouth.
When the kiss ended they were both flushed and panting. Without a word Cat
lifted her t-shirt over her head and pulled Fraser to her. His need was
too great to resist.  

He ran his hands over the familiar curves of her body, so unlike the body
he had last held like this. Cat reached for his hand and guided it to the
moist softness between her legs before reaching down and encircling his
straining erection with her delicate fingers. Fraser looked into her eyes
as he touched her and a soft moan came from one or both of them, he
couldn't tell.	

His head spun as he rose to his knees over Cat. She guided his cock into
her warmth and he slid inside in one long stroke. She thrust against him
urgently and their rhythm grew quickly to fever pitch. Fraser heard Cat's
gasp and felt her body stiffen. The suddenness of her orgasm caught them
both off guard and Fraser's breath caught in his throat. He thrust against
her a final time and came, releasing weeks of stored emotion in a loud
cry.  

His head was full of noise and it seemed a long time before he was aware
of anything except his breathing. Eventually he collapsed onto the bed and
pulled Cat to his chest, trapping her against his body. He started to sob
and Cat held him, stroking his hair until the convulsions in his body
subsided.  

His heart filled with love for his friend who, once again, gave him a safe
place to heal his hurt. Finally he fell asleep. Later Fraser would
remember it as one of the most peaceful nights he had ever spent.  

  

A few days later Fraser was back at work, happy to be on active duty
again. He took whatever shifts were offered, without complaint, and often
worked 16 hour days, pleased to be busy and pleased that his mind was
occupied with something other than Ray. This was the only was he knew to
deal with his hurt and he made sure his time was fully occupied.  

When he wasn't on duty, Fraser spent his time working on rebuilding his
father's cabin. Eric and his family had come out in full force and were
gratefully pressed into service removing the remains of the old cabin and
clearing a larger site for the new one.  

As the days stretched into weeks, Fraser's vision for the cabin began to
emerge. With the help of a local builder, plans were drawn up for a larger
and more improved house. When he showed these plans to Cat she asked him
whom he intended to share such a large house with. Although he denied
adamantly, a part of him was rebuilding the cabin with Ray's needs in
mind.  

As the weeks stretched into months, the cabin began to grow and Fraser
worked hard to have it finished by Christmas. He worked from sun up to
sundown with Eric and his family to get the roof on before the snows came.
The snows came early and Fraser shifted his goals, planning to have at
least the painting finished. In the final week before Christmas he did
just that and he was weary but elated as he drove home to Cat's house. He
walked through the front door as the sun slipped behind the hills.  

"Hi Cat!" He called from the service porch where he removed his outdoor
clothes.  

"Hi Ben," she called back. "Have you finished?"  

His smile said it all as he joined his friend in the living room. Cat was
on the floor, filling the slow-combustion stove with logs.  

"I can't wait to see the cabin," she said, getting to her feet and
stepping towards her friend.  

"We can take a drive over tonight if you like. The electricity is
connected," he offered, eager to share his project with someone  

"I can't, I have to work. Someone called in sick and I said I'd do the
night shift."  

"Maybe on the weekend?" he suggested, heading for the kitchen for
something to eat.  

"That would be great."	

  

A little later Fraser was rummaging in the fridge when a knock sounded at
the door.  

"I'll go," he heard Cat yell from the living room. He figured it was
probably someone with injured wildlife, he was used to people appearing
unannounced bearing some tiny animal. He continued his search for food
pulling items from the refrigerator and placing them on the counter, half
listening to Cat as she answered the door. 

"Hi." He heard the smile in his friend's voice, followed by a voice he
heard only in his dreams nowadays  

"I'm looking for Constable Benton Fraser, is this the right address?"  

He froze momentarily, then moved silently to the doorway, making sure he
was out of eyeline of his visitor.  

"Yes, this is the right address. And you are ...?" Fraser could hear the
wariness in Cat's voice. His mind raced. Why did he come now? 

"Detective Vecchio, Chicago PD. Is he home?" Ray's voice was curt and it
made Fraser suddenly protective of Cat.  

Fraser stepped onto the porch and saw Ray framed by the outer door, his
diminutive friend standing in front of him, barring Ray's entrance.  

"Yes, I'm here," he said as evenly as possible.  

"Hello, Fraser," Ray said, looking over Cat's head at him.  

"Hello Ray." He was surprised at the evenness of his voice.  

"How ya been Benny?" Ray's voice wavered slightly, Fraser noted with
perverse pleasure. 

"Fine thank you, Ray," he replied, the calmness in his voice belying the
turmoil going on inside.  

"Ben?" He heard Cat say, her voice full of questions. 

"It's OK Cat," he said without taking his eyes off Ray.  

Silently she moved aside and Ray stepped into the room. She shut the door
behind him and stood looking between the two men. 

"Ben?" he heard her asked again. 

"Oh, I'm sorry." He jumped, as though he had just been slapped. "Cat, this
is Detective Ray Vecchio. Ray, this is Constable Cathy Madden."  

The two shook hands and muttered greetings, both obviously unsure of each
other and how to handle the situation. Fraser and Ray looked at each other
again and Cat muttered something about going to work. The two men didn't
move or speak as she put on her boots and gathered her belongings.  

She stepped in front of Fraser and reached a hand up to his shoulder. He
slid his gaze down to her face and saw her eyes asking if he was OK. He
smiled in reply and then kissed her softly. Only she could have read the
excitement in his eyes.  

"I'll see you when I get home," she whispered and then she was gone. Both
men watched as she left.  

"Girlfriend?" Ray asked in his offhand way.  

"We've known each other for a long time," Fraser replied, folding his arms
across his chest defensively. Joy, anger and confusion fought with each
other inside him as Ray spoke again.  

"That doesn't answer my question Fraser." Ray's tone was softer this time
and it confused Fraser.  

He felt sick. Why was Ray asking these things of him? Why now? "What are
you doing here Ray?" He demanded in a short, clipped tone as he turned and
walked into the living room, jerking his hand for Ray to follow. 

"I just wanna know if I'm wastin' my time Benny. "  

He whirled around to face Ray, his anger starting to win the fight
"What!?" 

"I was hoping there's still a chance for us. I never stopped loving you
Benny," Ray blurted out and then stopped suddenly.  

The anger finally won and welled up inside Fraser. He lunged at Ray, hands
gripping the front of his jacket and forcing him against the wall. 

"Why now Ray!? What made you change your mind?" He snarled into his former
lover's face. "I waited for weeks in Chicago and you never even called to
see how I was. Instead you wait until I've been here six months and now
you come here and tell me this." His voice grew dark and bitter. "Do you
expect me to fall into your arms as if nothing happened? Am I supposed to
forget the things you said?" Fraser's voice faltered and his eyes filled
with tears.  

He released Ray, letting go as though the contact burned him, and crossed
the room to the window. Leaning his forehead against the cool glass, he
let the tears come. Tears of frustration and hurt. He couldn't believe Ray
was here now, just when he was beginning to stop aching for him. Just when
he thought he could live without him. 

But now Ray was here, re-opening wounds that were finally beginning to
heal and making him vulnerable all over again. Fraser didn't know if he
could handle it; didn't know if he could survive this. He loved Ray too
much. The scent of Ray filled nostrils, a sharp reminder of the physical
attraction they had shared and it made his head reel. He felt Ray's
presence behind him and then his hand on his shoulder.	

"Oh god I'm sorry, Benny." Ray's voice was full of pain. "You don't know
how sorry I am. I didn't want to hurt you. It's taken me a long time to
realise how much I love you. I denied it for a long time, I tried not to
think about you, but now you're in my head all the time. I hate myself for
what I did to you, I don't even know if I can make it up to you, but I'd
like to try. I love you Benny, but if it's too late, just say the word and
I'll leave."  

Fraser could feel Ray trembling through the hand on his shoulder. He wiped
his eyes, wanting so very desperately to take Ray in his arms, but he was
unable to move. The hand dropped from his shoulder. 

"Jesus Benny, I'm dyin' here," Desperation crept into Ray's voice. "Do you
want me to leave?"  

Fraser sighed deeply, as if he'd been holding his breath. He turned slowly
and looked at his former lover. Ray's eyes were pleading and he was
shaking visibly.  

"No, Ray, I don't want you to leave," he ground out in a low voice.  

Ray's relief showed in his eyes. "Can I take this jacket off now? It's
like a sauna in here." Ray suddenly blurted, chuckling. 

The mood in the room lightened a little. Until then, neither of them had
noticed Ray still wore his down filled parka.  

Fraser watched as Ray took off his jacket, satisfied that he knew exactly
how Ray's body looked under the layers of winter clothing. His lips parted
slightly at the thought, the only sign of his feelings for the man in
front of him. Ray stepped towards him and Fraser's heart pounded in his
chest.	

"What happens now Benny?" Ray asked in a nervous voice.  

"Hold me." It was a demand.  

Ray stepped closer and the two men slipped silently, tentatively into each
other's arms. Fraser's nerve endings were raw and his need for Ray so
great that it almost hurt when they were finally touching. He took a deep
breath and let it go, slowly, releasing months of stored emotions with it.
Cheek to cheek, chest to chest, groin to groin they held each other and
Fraser felt the last of the pain ebb slowly away. In that instant
everything became perfect.  

When they finally separated Fraser could see tears on Ray's cheeks and
slowly he moved both hands up to cradle Ray's head. He kissed him gently. 


"I've missed you," he said and pressed his lips to Ray's again.  

The kiss was long and intense, reaching right to Fraser's soul. Shaking
slightly he let his hands wander over Ray's body, re-acquainting himself.
Their kisses became more passionate and as he felt the unmistakable
nudging of Ray's erection against his thigh, desire ripped through his
body.  

"Oh god, Benny," Ray whispered in a ragged voice.  

"Ray, I thought I'd never ...." His voice trailed off as Ray's hands
slipped under his shirt and touched bare skin.	

Suddenly their need became urgent and they separated long enough to shed
their clothes quickly, letting them drop where they would. Fraser pulled
Ray back against him. At the first touch of bare skin against bare skin,
both men stilled.  

"I love you Ray." It was as simple as that.  

"I love you Benny." Ray whispered the words against his throat, before
dropping to his knees.	

Fraser sucked in his breath at the feel of Ray's lips on his stomach. When
Ray took his cock in his mouth he was sure he would pass out. He'd
forgotten how good it felt, he'd forgotten so much. A low growl started in
his throat as Ray's mouth slid along his shaft in ever increasing
movements. It was too much too soon.  

"Ray .... no ....stop," he rasped. He saw a look of panic cross Ray's
features as he pulled him to his feet and kissed his lips. "Not like this
... come to bed. His voice was thick with desire.  

Ray smiled at him, relief evident. "I thought you'd never ask."  

Leaving their clothes where they had fallen, Fraser led Ray upstairs by
the hand. In the large comfortable room Fraser shared with Cat, the two
men fell into a hungry embrace. Ray nudged Fraser onto the bed and pushed
him backwards, covering his body with his own. Their mouths joined in a
bruising kiss and their groins pressed together.  

Fraser felt Ray's hands everywhere and his head spun. His hands slid down
to cup Ray's buttocks, pressing their erections hard against each other.
He felt Ray's cock pulse and a sticky warmth spread between them. The
feeling pushed him over the edge and he came quickly, his own sticky
warmth joining Ray's in the space between their bodies. They were
breathless. 

"I'm sorry Benny, I couldn't ....."  

Fraser silenced him with a tender kiss. "Now that's out of the way we can
make love."  

Fraser smiled and Ray's hand touched his cheek in reply, penis already
stirring into life again.  

  

RAY'S STORY   

Ray was awake and staring at the clock by the bed. It read 505AM. He
thought, somewhat bitterly, that it looked like SOS. He glanced briefly at
the sleeping body beside him before lifting the covers and slipping
silently from the bed. He dressed quickly, eager to be away from his
lover. He held his breath as he crept out of the apartment and didn't
breathe again until he was safe in the driver's seat of the Riv.  

This was the fifth morning in a row he'd snuck from his lover's bed,
unable to face the cold light of morning, knowing his lover sensed the
change in him. Sadly though, he knew he'd go through the motions again
that night, unable to tell his lover and unwillingly to be the cause of
anymore heartache.  

"Jesus," he muttered to himself. "Why did I let my life get so fucking
complicated!" With tears of frustration in his eyes he turned the ignition
key and headed for home, already thinking of the lie he would tell Louise
when she asked why he had left so early again.	

Ray knew his mother would be in the kitchen when he got home, already
preparing his breakfast. In the few months since he had moved back home
she had become more sensitive to his needs than ever before. He guessed
she was probably trying to make up for the time they had lost. He
remembered the day he asked if he could come home, it was a bittersweet
memory....  

He had arrived at the house in the middle of the afternoon to find his
mother stirring something on the stove.  

"Hello Raimondo," she said without turning around. 

"Hi Ma," he replied and kissed her proffered cheek.  

"What's wrong, my boy?" she asked, turning and touching her fingers to his
cheek. 

"Nothing, Ma."	

"So you come here in the middle of the day for nothing?"  

He sighed and walked to the other side of the kitchen and leaned against
the bench, arms folded protectively over his chest. She always knew,
always.  

"It's over between Benny and me, Ma," he said looking at his feet. 

"I know. For a long time I see you not wearing that ring. I'm glad, not
for your pain, but I'm glad. I told you no good would come. Only men and
women are meant to love each other like that."	

Ray listened to her words, but couldn't speak. Mostly, he thought, she had
been right, but why then did he feel so bad?  

"Can I come home Ma?" he asked quietly.  

"Of course, Raimondo. You belong with your family." She crossed the room
and pressed her son to her ample bosom.  

He had moved home that night and they never mentioned his relationship
with Constable Benton Fraser again. He kept hidden from his mother the
fact that he still wore the wedding ring Fraser had given him on a chain
around his neck.  

He touched that same ring through the fabric of his shirt as he walked
into the house. 

"Raimondo?" Mrs Vecchio called from the kitchen. 

"Yeah, Ma, I'm gonna take a shower," he replied, dashing for the stairs.
He wasn't sure if he was ready to face his mother this morning.  

Safely locked in the bathroom he stared at himself in the mirror.  

"Whaddaya gonna do now, Vecchio?" he demanded of his reflection. He
snorted angrily at himself and stepped into the shower. Once in the
shower, with the warm water coursing over his body, Ray forced himself to
think, really think about his predicament.  

Ray had been dating Louise for four or five months now, he couldn't
remember for sure. When he had ended his relationship with Fraser he
became obsessed and pursued her relentlessly, motivated more by the need
to prove something to himself than love or lust, he admitted now. During
those first weeks there had been a lot of sex, he'd never call it making
love because it wasn't. For Ray, every orgasm had been a reinforcement of
the fact that he had been right to break up with Fraser, that they were
only friends and that he definitely wasn't in love with the Mountie.  

Now, months later, when the only way he could make love to Louise was by
thinking of someone else, he had to admit the sad truth. He had lied to
himself. He was still in love with Benton Fraser.  

Ray knew he had lied himself into a corner. He had nowhere to go. If he
admitted his true feelings it would mean hurting Louise and alienating his
family all over again, not to mention how it might affect his career. To
deny his feelings would mean hurting only himself and it wasn't possible
to hurt Fraser any more than he already had. So he chose to ignore his
feelings and take the easy way out. Tonight, he admitted sadly, he would
go through the motions and probably tomorrow night as well, there was no
other way. He touched a soapy hand to the ring on a chain around his neck.
 

"I'm sorry," he whispered, not sure exactly who he was saying it to.
Abruptly he turned the shower off. He didn't want to think anymore and the
only way to stop that was to keep busy. He shaved and dressed and then
raced downstairs. He kissed his mother and dashed out the door shouting
behind him.  

"No time for breakfast, Ma. Gotta lead on a case and I gotta catch 'em
while they're still in bed." 

It was the same lie he was going to tell Louise.  

  

Over breakfast, far away from his family and his lover, in a diner that he
had frequented with Fraser, Ray resumed his ruminations. He thought about
the fire, almost a year ago now that marked the beginning of his
relationship with Fraser. The love he had declared for his friend that
night and the wonderful, satisfying relationship that developed had been
so right, but foolishly he had let other peoples opinions sway him. It
disgusted him how easily he had been able to justify ending it, how easily
he had betrayed the man who loved him without question.  

He told Fraser he had confused the love of a friend with romantic love,
that he'd simply made a mistake. He even believed it himself for a long
time, until the day he walked into the squad room to see the unmistakable
rear view of a Mountie uniform in Welsh's office. His stomach did a
backflip, even though he knew instantly that it wasn't Fraser. That
startled him. The realisation that he still remembered every inch of
Fraser's body took his breath away so that he was staring, mouth agape,
when the Mountie left Welsh's office and passed his desk. Before he could
stop himself he was in Welsh's office.	

"Who was that?" he demanded.  

"A Mountie, Vecchio. I thought you'd recognise the uniform," Welsh
quipped.  

"Very funny, *Sir*. I mean what's he doin' here?"  

"He's Fraser's replacement and he was ....."  

Ray cut him off suddenly. "Fraser's replacement? Where is he?"	

"I thought you knew, Vecchio, he went back to Canada months ago." Welsh's
voice softened as he realised the blunder he had made.	

Ray leaned heavily against the doorframe. "I had no idea ...." his voice
trailed off.  

"I'm sorry, Ray, I assumed you knew."  

"No." Shaking his head, he turned and wandered back to his desk with his
head swimming.	

Had he been the reason Fraser returned to Canada, he wondered. He couldn't
understand why it bothered him so much, after all, he had been the one to
end their relationship. That night he had cancelled his date with Louise
and went home early to be alone with his thoughts.  

Since that day he had been unable to get Fraser out of his head. He began
to feel him everywhere and hear his voice in his head. There were times
Ray was even sure he could smell Fraser in his nostrils. After a while he
learned to live with it, to keep it under control.  

Ray's feelings changed irreversibly, though, one night at Louise's
apartment when he imagined the mouth working on his cock to be Fraser's
and not Louise's. The image and its significance shook him to the core.
The next morning he left Louise's bed long before she woke and had done so
every morning since. That had been a week ago.	

Ray downed the last of his coffee and with a sad sigh, headed off to work
for another day of pretending.	

The phone on Ray's desk was ringing as he stormed into the bullpen. He
snatched it up, certain he knew who would be on the other end. 

"Vecchio!" he growled into the receiver.  

"Hi sweetheart." It was Louise, as expected. "You left early again."  

Was there a note of accusation in her voice?  

"Yeah, I had a lead on the Brewster case, gotta catch these bastards while
they're still in bed." He laughed nervously  

"I just wanted to check you're OK?" Her voice was full of concern, not
reprimand. 

"Yeah, I'm fine, Louise," he snapped, his guilt making him angry.  

"OK, well I have to go to work. Will I see you tonight?"  

"No, I don't think so. I gotta spend some time with my family." It wasn't
really a lie, Ray justified.  

"Oh." He heard the disappointment in her voice. "OK then."  

When no demand came he felt even guiltier and he lightened his tone.
"Listen, honey, how about tomorrow night we get dressed up and go
somewhere special?" 

"I'd like that, Ray." The happiness in Louise's voice made him feel
better.  

"Good, I'll call you tomorrow."  

They said their goodbyes and Ray hung up, angry with himself again, but
vowing he would show Louise a good time tomorrow night. After all, he had
a day and a half to work himself up to it.  

  

That night Ray took a drive before he went home and he wasn't surprised
when the Riv took him to 221 West Racine. It had been nearly a year since
Fraser had lived there, but it was the only place he could feel close to
Benny again. He went into the foyer, the familiar smells bringing back
many happy memories. He didn't see Mr Mustafi on the stairs.  

"Hello Detective Vecchio."  

Ray spun around when he heard the voice. "Hello Mr Mustafi, how are you?"
he asked, trying to hide his embarrassment at being caught there. 

"Very well. I had a Christmas card from Constable Fraser last week," the
old man said, smiling.	

"That's nice." Ray shifted uncomfortably. "I have to go now sir, it was
nice to see you."  

The old man smiled at him. "Goodbye."  

Ray nodded his goodbye and started to leave, but was halted by Mr
Mustafi's voice.  

"I miss him too, Detective."  

Ray got out of there as quickly as he could and headed straight for home,
cursing himself for going there and cursing himself for his weakness.  

Ray was silent through dinner; ignoring Francesca's taunts and trying to
avoid his mother's all seeing stares. As soon as he could, he escaped to
the sanctity of his bedroom, hoping to find some peace in indulging in
thoughts of his former lover.  

He had no mementos of their time together, no photos, and no unreturned
items of clothing. He had effectively wiped all traces of the Mountie from
his life. Except for the wedding ring on the chain around his neck. That
was his only link to a past he now cherished. Almost reverently, he
slipped his ring onto his finger and settled back against his pillows,
replaying scenes from his life with Benny until he fell into a fitful
sleep.	

  

Ray kept his promise to Louise and took her out for dinner the next night.
They ate in an expensive restaurant and then went to a nightclub to listen
to some jazz. He enjoyed the evening far more than he had expected,
thinking maybe he had exorcised the ghost that had haunted him and maybe
he could cope with the lie his life had become. He even initiated the
lovemaking at Louise's apartment, maybe to test himself, he wasn't sure.  

  

Ray's chest tightened as Louise lay stretched out in front of, covered
only by wisps of black lace. She had gone to a great deal of trouble to
please him to entice him. He joined her on the bed, kissing her throat.
Her hands gripped at his hair as his mouth moved down her body.  

"Oh Ray," she moaned.  

He froze. At that precise moment he realised he had no desire whatsoever
for the woman under him. A groan escaped his lips and Louise mistook it
for passion, moving her hands in the direction of Ray's groin. He caught
her wrists in one hand and held them so she couldn't touch him. He didn't
want her to find the evidence of his lack of desire.  

He continued to move his mouth over her body, trying desperately to lull
himself into some sort of arousal. He moved his hand to stroke his flaccid
cock, summoning up as many fantasy images as he could, but nothing worked.
He felt sick. He refused to use the one image he knew would work. He was
not going to use the memory of his beloved Benny to enable him to fuck
someone else.  

Lying down beside Louise he moved his hand to the moistness between her
legs and used his fingers to bring her to a quick orgasm. As she panted in
his arms he tried not to let her see his distaste. She deserved that, at
least. At that moment he hated himself intensely.  

Louise's hand travelled the length of his body and fluttered over his
lifeless penis.  

"Ray....?"  

"I'm sorry, Louise." He rolled away from her, pushing her hands away.
"Maybe I drank too much." It disgusted him how easy it had become to lie
to her.  

"It's OK, it happens sometimes."  

Her arms went around him and Ray shuddered. Deftly, he slipped out of her
embrace and swung his legs over the side of the bed.  

"I think I'd better go," he said with his back to her.	

"You don't have to leave."  

Absently, Ray wondered if she thought he was embarrassed by his supposed
impotence. He almost laughed with the irony of it. That morning he had
woken rock-hard from dreams of Fraser. 

"I know," he agreed. "But I think I'd rather be alone."  

Her smile told him she understood and it was OK. He smiled weakly back at
her, letting her think whatever she needed to. He dressed silently and
kissed her on the forehead, leaving Louise's bed for the last time. He
would not go back. 

  

The Vecchio household was in darkness when Ray got home. He crept into the
kitchen and made some peppermint tea. He smiled when he thought how he
would never have drunk it before he met Fraser. Carrying his tea into the
living room, he leaned against a window, enjoying the silence in a house
that was rarely quiet. He felt sick with guilt about what had taken place
at Louise's apartment and he knew it was time to end it. It was too cruel
to continue to string her along like this. She deserved better. And he
deserved to be alone. 

A movement behind him interrupted his thoughts and he turned to see his
mother on the stairs coming towards him.  

"Raimondo?"  

"Hi, Ma. I just got home. Sorry I woke you"  

"I thought you'd be with Louise," she said joining Ray in the dim light
shining in through the window. 

"I wanted to be at home." He smiled sideways at his mother, glad for the
dimness. He didn't want her to see his what was in his eyes. 

"Are you OK, my boy?" 

"Yeah, Ma." He looked out the window. "I got a lot on my mind, that's
all."  

"Is it Benton?" Mrs Vecchio asked, softly. 

"Ma!" His head snapped around to look at his mother. Her face showed no
expression and he could not tell what she was thinking.  

"Is it Benton, Raimondo?" she asked again, more firmly.  

A muscle twitched in his cheek. "I don't wanna talk about this." He put
his cup down on the windowsill and made for the stairs. 

"Answer me, Raimondo. Is it Benton?" Her voice was calm, but insistent.  

Ray's shoulders dropped, he couldn't hide anything from his mother and he
was tired of trying. He was tired of the deceit. He let out a long sigh
and walked back to the window, joining his mother in the light once again.
He stared out onto the street. 

"Yeah Ma, it's Benny," he whispered, afraid to meet her eyes.  

The second that passed before she responded seemed interminable. Mrs
Vecchio drew a long breath and let it go, her words seemingly dragged from
the depths of great pain.  

"Then go to him, Son."	

Ray almost could not believe his ears. "What?" he demanded, his head
turning to meet his mother's heavy stare. 

"Do you think I'm blind, Son? For months you've been seeing Louise. I like
her very much. If you married her I would be very happy." Her voice
gentled and she touched a hand to Ray's arm. "But you would not be. I can
see you don't love her. She doesn't make you happy.... not like Benton
did." Mrs Vecchio's hand slid up to cup Ray's cheek. "You're my only son
and I love you. I want for you to be happy. If Benton makes you happy then
go to him."  

Ray was shocked, this was the last thing he expected. The last thing he
thought he would hear from his mother's lips.  

"But Ma, you said ...."  

She put up a hand to silence him. "That was a year ago. I'm not so old
that I can't learn things, Raimondo. Benton loved you. I could see that."
She smiled sweetly. "He is a good man and he made my son very happy." 

Ray smiled shyly. "Yeah, Ma, he made me very happy."  

"Then go to him."  

That night Ray slept soundly for the first time in many months.  

  

The next morning Ray was at work early, waiting impatiently for the
arrival of Elaine Bresbriss. He smiled at the surprise on her face when
she arrived.  

"You're early, Vecchio." 

"Yeah, Elaine, I need you to do something for me. A favour." He grinned
goofily at her.  

"Oh yeah?" Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "What is it?"  

"Find Fraser." Ray watched her expression change, feeling a little bad
because he knew she still felt guilty about what had happened.	

"No problem, Ray."  

Within an hour she was at Ray's desk with an address in Riverhurst,
Saskatchewan and a map of the area.  

"How did you get this so fast Elaine?"	

"Don't ask. Just know that I'm really looking forward to my date with
Constable Turnbull." They both laughed as she walked back to her desk.	

"Elaine!" he called after her. "Thank you kindly." He grinned when she
glanced back at him over her shoulder. 

"Oh, one more thing, Ray," Elaine said as she reached her desk. "By all
accounts, Fraser isn't living alone.".	

The look of happiness fell from his face. He hadn't considered the
possibility of Fraser being involved with anyone else. In a fit of panic
he launched himself towards Welsh's office to demand leave. He had to get
to Canada right away. He entered without knocking. 

"Lieutenant, I need some time off," he stated, without preamble.  

"Sure, Vecchio, we can work something out. Fill in a leave request and
I'll look at the schedule."  

"I need to go now, Sir," Ray replied, matter-of-factly. 

"Now? But you specifically requested you work over Christmas."	

"I know, but something important's come up sir. I have to go to Canada."
Ray looked at the wall above Welsh's head, trying not to appear as
desperate as he was. 

"Canada, eh?"  

"Yes, Sir." Ray still avoided eye contact.  

"Does this have anything to do with a certain Mountie?"  

Who was he kidding? Welsh knew him well enough to know how he felt.
"Everything, Sir," Ray answered, looking his superior straight in the eye.
 

"Leave it with me and I'll see what I can do."	

"Thank you kindly, Sir." Ray left the office, pretending not to notice
Welsh shaking his head.  

  

When Ray came out of Welsh's office, Elaine handed him a message from
Louise. He gulped and Elaine patted his arm sympathetically. It was time
to face the music. He knew he had to tell Louise something, to find a
decent way to end it. He didn't really want to tell her about Fraser. He
picked up the phone and called her, making plans to see her that night. He
would know the right thing to tell her by then.  

By the end of the day Welsh had reshuffled the rosters and given Ray two
weeks off. Ray spent a large part of the afternoon making arrangements. He
hired a Range Rover to be safe, unsure of how remote Fraser's home was. He
didn't want to risk taking the Riv into the icy wilderness. He raced home
to tell his mother of his plans and after a quick meal he drove over to
Louise's apartment.  

His heart was heavy as he knocked at her door. The feeling worsened when
she opened the door, rewarding him with a smile full of love. He kissed
her cheek and she led him into the living room. He barely spoke while she
opened a bottle of wine and handed him a glass. Finally, when she was
seated beside him he began.  

"Louise, we have to talk." He ran a hand through his hair. "I have to tell
you something.".  

She looked at him with frightened eyes and he turned away, staring at the
glass he twisted nervously in his hand. He hated doing this to her. 

"Wh....what about, Ray?" 

He raised his eyes to meet hers and spoke in a tired, sad voice. "I can't
do this anymore."  

"What.....?"  

"I'm sorry, Louise. I can't see you anymore. We have to stop this." 

"Because of last night? That doesn't matter, Ray, I told you that, it
happens to everyone." The rising panic in Louise's voice was unmistakable.


He sighed, leaning back against the sofa. "It's more than that, Louise,
much more."  

Ray sat helplessly as tears formed in her eyes and ran down her face. He
could offer her no comfort.  

"Why, Ray? Is it something I've done?"	

"No, it's me. I shouldn't have started this thing with you. It was for all
the wrong reasons." He leaned over and put his glass down on the coffee
table. "I'm so sorry, Louise," he murmured in a barely audible voice.  

A strangled sob escaped her throat and her tears ran freely. "I, I don't
understand, Ray. I thought you loved me."  

Ray rubbed his hands over his face. This was the part of the conversation
he feared most. "I'm sorry, it's, it's.....it's just not gonna work."  

"Why, Ray? I need to know why." Her voice was a thin whisper. 

Ray dared not meet her eyes. "No, Louise, you don't need to know why."
Still avoiding her eyes, he rose to his feet and turned his back to her.
"I'm sorry. It's probably better if I just leave."  

He walked towards the door, but was stopped by Louise. She leapt from the
sofa and grabbed his arm, spinning him around to face her.  

"No, don't go. I need some answers, Ray." Her face was closed off and her
voice became hard and demanding. "You started this! You pursued me. What
happened?" She gripped his arm and held him firmly, staring into his eyes.


"Louise, please don't do this," Ray pleaded. " I never meant to hurt you,
you gotta know that. I'm so sorry." He dropped his eyes, unable to look at
her any longer. "Please, just let me go."  

"Is there someone else?" she demanded, more harshly this time.	

Ray drew a deep breath and let it out on a long sigh. He couldn't lie
about this. He owed Louise something, some sort of explanation. He stepped
away from her and this time she let him go, her fears confirmed by his
expression. 

"Yes," he whispered, "there is someone else." He collected his coat and
slipped it onto his shoulders, waiting for the question he knew would come
next. 

"Who is it?" she demanded through tears that seemed to be as much from
anger as pain.	

Ray almost laughed. How do you tell a woman you are leaving her because of
another man? "Believe me, Louise, you don't want to know."  

He waited for her next demand, but when none came he whispered a goodbye
and moved to the door. Casting a final glance over his shoulder, he saw
Louise still standing in the middle of her living room, arms hanging
loosely at her sides. Hastily he opened the door and stepped into the
hallway, fighting the urge to break into a run. Relief flooded through him
and he hated himself for it. 

A day later, only a week before Christmas, Ray was on his way to Canada.  

  

In the late afternoon Ray brought his hired Range Rover to a halt in the
main street of Moose Jaw, taking just a moment to consult his map and
collect his thoughts before driving the final 50 miles or so to Fraser's
home in Riverhurst. Fraser's home. The thought struck him as odd. He had
always thought of the tiny apartment in Chicago as Fraser's home, not this
wild, open place he saw around him.  

And who is the person he shares his home with, Ray wondered. Is it a
lover? Is it a man or a woman? He shuddered, not wanting to think about
the possibilities. He had made the decision to come, to seek resolution
for his feelings, and he had to accept whatever fate dealt him. He only
hoped fate would be kind although, Ray knew, he did not deserve it.
Finally, with a mixture of excitement and trepidation he started the car
and headed out of town, still not knowing what he would say to Fraser.	

When he found what he thought was the right address he brought his vehicle
to a stop at the top of the driveway and cast his eyes admiringly over the
large house in front of him. It was just the sort of place he had
imagined. Taking a deep calming breath, he continued down the driveway.
Ray parked and sat for just a minute to centre himself, knowing that what
occurred in the next few minutes would affect the rest of his life.  

His heart pounded as he mounted the steps. He thought he could hear voices
inside, but they could have been inside his head for all he knew at that
moment. He raised his hand to the door, took a deep breath and then
knocked firmly and confidently.  

From inside the house he heard a woman's voice. "I'll go."  

Ray cursed under his breath. So Fraser lived with a woman? It seemed an
eternity before the door opened and the owner of the voice appeared in
front of him. 

"Hi."  

Ray stared at the woman in front of him. She was small, maybe a foot
shorter than him with long brown hair and bright blue eyes. He thought she
looked almost like a female Fraser, dressed in jeans and one of those
flannel shirts he favoured.  

Finally Ray found his voice. "I'm looking for Constable Benton Fraser. Is
this the right address?"  

She stared at Ray, almost as though she was inspecting him. A wave of
panic washed over him. Did she know who he was?  

"Yes, this is the right address. And you are?"	

The smile had left her face and Ray was sure her voice seemed a little
wary. Or was it just his paranoia? He flashed his badge, giving the
illusion of a man in control.  

"Detective Vecchio, Chicago PD. Is he here?"  

She knew, Ray could tell by her face. He tried to quell his panic,
wondering how someone with his experience as a Detective in one of the
toughest crime zones anywhere could be so intimidated by a woman nearly a
foot shorter than him.	

From the depths of the house, Ray heard the voice of his former lover.
"Yes, I'm here"  

He looked over the head of the woman in front of him to see Fraser
standing in a doorway behind her. He nearly fainted at the sight. Fraser
looked better than he remembered, dressed in jeans and one of those damned
flannel shirts that only looked good on him, with a flush on his cheeks
that made Ray think he had just come in from spending time outdoors.  

"Hello Fraser," he said, trying to sound cool, but almost
hyperventilating.  

"Hello Ray."  

He was stunned by the calmness in Fraser's voice. How could he be so calm?
 

"How ya been, Benny?" he asked, thinking that he sounded like an idiot.  

"Fine thank you, Ray." His voice was still calm.  

Then the woman spoke. "Ben?"  

Ray flinched. He had only ever heard Victoria call him that. Jealousy
flamed within him. Who is this woman, he wondered in the long moments he
stood there. 

"It's OK, Cat," Fraser replied, his eyes never leaving Ray's.  

The woman stepped aside, allowing Ray to enter. He heard the door close
behind him, but he still did not take his eyes from his former lover.  

The woman looked at Fraser. "Ben?" Her voice grew insistent. 

Fraser gave a startled jump and then he introduced them. Constable Cathy
Madden? A Mountie? Ray stared at her. But who is she? A million questions
whirled in his head. Then she rose onto her toes and kissed Fraser, saying
something about going to work.	

Ray watched, unable to move, as Fraser returned her kiss. All he could do
was observe their easy intimacy. There was no mistake, he realised with
something approaching panic, they were definitely intimate. Fuck, fuck,
fuck, he thought to himself, suddenly reminded of some crummy English
actor in a bad film he had seen once. Neither he nor Fraser spoke until
the woman had left the house.  

As soon as the door had whispered shut Ray spoke. "Girlfriend?" he asked,
trying to sound casual, as if the answer didn't matter.  

"We've known each other for a long time."  

Fraser's tone was defensive and Ray wasn't surprised. He knew he sounded
like a jerk.  

"That doesn't answer my question, Fraser," he said, really wanting to
scream 'what the fuck does that mean?'	

While Ray waited for Fraser's answer he realised, with relief, that at
least he had not been thrown out yet. 

"What are you doing here, Ray?" Fraser asked in an even, calm voice.  

Ray couldn't read anything into his former lover's expression and for a
moment he was lost. Fraser turned into the living room, gesturing for him
to follow. He walked closely behind, eyes drinking in the familiar places
at the back of Fraser's neck, fingers itching with the need to touch. He
was close enough to smell Fraser's sharp scent and it undid him. Ray
wanted him.  

"I just wanna know if I'm wastin' my time, Benny," he blurted out suddenly
and then cringed. Why did he say that? I've blown it, he thought to
himself, I sound like a jerk. Shit!  

"What!?" Fraser whirled around to stare at him with a look Ray couldn't
decipher.  

Was it anger? Or did he see a trace of what they had once shared?  

Ray gulped. "I was hoping there's still a chance for us. I never stopped
loving you, Benny."  

Fraser lunged at him, gripping his jacket and slamming him against the
wall, forcing his breath from his lungs. Fraser yelled at him. Ray didn't
hear his words, but he felt his anger and pain. Just hit me, Benny, he
thought, just hit me and stop this feeling going on inside me. Go on, just
hit me.  

Then suddenly Fraser released him, turning away to the window. Ray saw
tears in his eyes. He followed, placing a hand on Fraser's shoulder,
wanting desperately to hold him, to wipe away the tears but knowing the
touch would probably not be welcomed.  

Ray didn't know what to do next, so he started to talk, apologising,
saying things as they popped into his head. He hoped he made sense and
hoped that Benny understood. The solid back under his hand gave away
nothing and when Fraser didn't react, Ray eventually let his hand drop.  

"Jesus, Benny, I'm dyin' here." He ground out in a low, scared voice. "Do
you want me to leave?"	

The words hung between them and ice ages came and went before Fraser
turned to face him, eyes still wet with tears.	

"No, Ray, I don't want you to leave." Fraser's voice was low and husky,
like it hurt to say the words.	

Relief flooded through Ray as he looked at the man in front of him. The
man he would love for the rest of his life. The man he had almost lost.
Suddenly hot, he realised he still wore his down-filled parka. He made a
joke and then removed it, laying it across a chair. Nervously, he took a
step towards Fraser.  

"What happens now Benny?" he asked, sick with fear and not sure he wanted
to hear the answer.  

"Hold me," Fraser demanded. 

Ray didn't hesitate and in a heartbeat they were in each other's arms,
albeit a little anxiously. It seemed like forever that they held each
other. Ray drank in the smell of Fraser's skin, the smell he thought he'd
never smell again. Then, miraculously, Fraser kissed him. 

"I've missed you," Fraser said. 

Ray thought it was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to him.
Then Fraser's mouth was on his again and he lost any chance of a coherent
thought. Somehow they got naked, somehow Ray was taking Benny's cock in
his mouth. Then a feeling of dread washed over him as Fraser stopped him. 


"Not like this.... come to bed," his lover whispered in a voice full of
promise. 

Then they were upstairs in a bedroom. Whose bed was this? Whose house was
this? Ray pondered those questions for a moment and then he didn't care
anymore. Somehow he ended up laying pressed naked against his lover,
unable to hold back the orgasm that built deep within him. Then he
realised Benny couldn't hold back either and nothing mattered anymore
except for what they shared.  

When his breathing steadied smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, Benny, I
couldn't ..."  

But before he could apologise further Fraser kissed him tenderly and
whispered into his ear.  

"Now that's out of the way we can make love."  

Ray sighed and rested his head on Benny's chest, overcome by the depths of
emotion that passed between them.  

"There's so much I want to say to you, Benny."	

Ray stroked his lover's chest, relishing the feel of the silky smooth skin
he thought he would never touch again. His hand slipped lower, brushing
against Fraser's groin.  

"You can tell me later," Fraser replied, huskily as he pushed Ray over
onto his back, leaning over him on one elbow.  

Fraser smiled down at him and Ray's heart swelled with love. He gently
stroked the fine hair on Ray's chest, then slowly trailed his hand lower
until he was stroking his thighs. His lips grazed against Ray's chest,
making him sigh with contentment. Fraser's mouth moved lower, sucking,
kissing, nibbling, tasting the saltiness on Ray's belly and Ray thought he
had died and gone to heaven. 

Fraser's hand cupped Ray's balls, causing him to draw his knees up, then
shifted the grip to his growing erection. Ray hardened instantly in his
lover's hand and Fraser moaned against his belly then moved quickly to
engulf Ray's cock in his mouth. Ray lifted his head to take in the sight.
He watched fascinated as his now aching cock slid into his lover's mouth.
He was too close again. He didn't want to come yet.  

Using all his strength he reached down and pulled Fraser up over him, then
flipped him over onto his back. Before Fraser could object, Ray covered
his mouth with his own and reached for his cock at the same time. Fraser
groaned into his mouth and Ray felt his cock throb in his hand	

"Please," Benny pleaded in a strangled voice as Ray moved down to engulf
his throbbing erection.  

With agonising slowness Ray slid his lips down the creamy shaft, Fraser
bucking against his mouth. He fell into a steady rhythm, one hand cupping
Fraser's balls and the other pumping his own erection as his mouth
continued its maddening movements. He sensed when Fraser was close to
coming and stopped suddenly. Fraser let out a strangled cry as Ray slid up
his body and kissed his throat, pressing their cocks together.	

Ray lifted his head and looked into Fraser's passion glazed eyes. "Fuck
me, Benny," he rasped.	

Fraser didn't need to be asked twice. In one swift movement he flipped Ray
over onto his stomach and straddled him from behind, his cock bumping the
cheeks of Ray's ass. Ray grit his teeth, fighting to hold on, as Fraser
pulled him to his knees and began to stroke him.  

Ray sucked in his breath as he felt Fraser part his asscheeks and lick
him. He tried to steady himself, waiting patiently as Fraser reached into
a drawer for lubricant. He gasped again when his lover's fingers slide
into him and he felt a sense of loss when they slid from his body. An
instant later he felt the head of Fraser's cock slide into him, slow,
achingly slow until he was buried to the hilt. Fraser bent over him and
nuzzled at the back of his neck  

"So good, Benny ...." Ray ground out, the end of the sentence lost as
Fraser gripped his hips and drew out, then in again. 

"Oh, Ray .... you feel ...." Fraser's voice trailed off. 

Ray reached behind for his lover's hand. "Touch me, Benny."  

Fraser's hand encircled his cock in a vice-like grip and he timed the
movement of his hand to his thrusting. Ray bucked between the two
sensations, a cry of pleasure forcing out between his lips. Suddenly
Fraser gripped Ray's hips and thrust a final time, filling Ray with his
seed. The pulsations within his body took Ray to the brink of his
tolerance and he came forcefully in Benny's hand, letting out a wail as he
did.  

The room was suddenly still and quiet and both men collapsed onto the bed,
pulling each other close. Tears escaped Ray's eyes and trickled down his
face. Benny brushed them away, kissing his eyelids gently.  

"I love you, Benny. I'm so sorry for what I did to you."  

"Sshh, Ray. It's over now. I love you and that's all that matters."  

"But what about ...." Ray wasn't even sure what he had been going to say,
but he felt there was much to be said, still much that he had to tell his
lover. 

"We've got plenty of time to talk later," Fraser replied, pressing his
lips to the tender spot where neck joins shoulder.  

Ray shuddered slightly and accepted the caress. The sky outside grew dark
and he nestled against his lover, suddenly weary. A great deal had passed
between them and there was still a great deal more to come. But for the
moment they were content. 

But something still niggled at Ray and he could not rest until he had an
answer.  

"Just one question, Benny?"  

"Yes, Ray?" his sleepy lover whispered into the darkness that engulfed
them. 

"Whose bed is this?"  

Fraser chuckled in a hearty way that Ray had never heard before. "Oh, it's
a long story ...." he replied enigmatically, drawing Ray to him and
kissing him in a way that made him forget what he'd asked in the first
place.	

EPILOGUE  

CAT'S STORY  

Constable Cathy Madden was eager to finish work and get home and not just
because she had worked the midnight to dawn shift. She was anxious to
learn what had taken place between her oldest and dearest friend and his
lover.	

It was still dark as she turned into the driveway of the large rural
property she had called home for over 15 years. She noted, with relief,
that the black Range Rover that had brought Ray Vecchio to Canada was
still parked in the same spot.	

Ray's timing could not have been better. Ben had been too close to the
edge this time and she didn't think even she would have been able to help
him this time. She knew Fraser was not aware of how much he still talked
about Ray and she never pointed it out to him. For the six months since
Ben had come home she had been waiting for Ray to show up. She always knew
he would, but she never discussed it with Ben.	

This was just of one many things she knew instinctively but never told
Ben. Once, when they had first met, she told him that they were soul mates
and had known each other in previous lives. His reaction had been to smile
and tell her what the Inuit believe about the after-life. She never
mentioned it again, but she knew it to be true. Just as she knew Ray would
come for him. As she mounted the steps and entered the house, she wondered
what the past evening had held for the two men.  

In the living room Cat smiled when she found the pile of clothing
obviously discarded in haste. With almost maternal care she folded each
item and divided them into piles Ben's and Ray's. In the kitchen she found
evidence of a meal prepared and eaten, but not cleaned up. A chuckle
escaped her lips as she surveyed the mess, a jar of mayonnaise with the
lid off, a half-eaten sandwich, a dirty plate in the sink, a half drunk
cup of coffee. It had been a long, long time since she had known Ben to
leave dishes unwashed and food not put away. She imagined them unable to
keep their hands off each other, abandoning their meal for something
infinitely more satisfying. Smiling broadly, she prepared herself a snack
and some tea and wondered exactly where in the house she would find the
two obviously naked men.  

As the sky began to lighten Cat became drowsy and headed upstairs, needing
to sleep now. She opened the door to her bedroom and what she saw made her
chest tighten with love and brought tears of joy to her eyes. Ben and Ray
were asleep, the bedside lamp throwing a pool of soft light over them. Ben
lay on his back, with Ray in the crook of his arm, head on Ben's chest and
one arm draped over his body. Ben's free arm was flung over his head in a
pose of reckless abandon that Cat had never seen before. Both men's cheeks
were flushed with a look that showed they had been loved completely.  

Something made Ray stir, maybe her presence, and Fraser brought his free
arm down to pull Ray closer against him. Tears stung her eyes as she
contemplated the two very different men, one fair-skinned and solid, the
other olive-skinned and slight, but somehow perfect together.  

Many, many times over the years she had watched Ben sleep, but never had
she seen him like this. Somehow he looked complete, as if all his features
had shifted slightly into a position that suited him better. There was a
finality about him, as if he had found what he had been looking for. It
showed on his face as a look of surrender, bliss and true love. Suddenly
everything made sense to Cat and she left silently, shutting the door
behind her.  

She smiled as she wiped the tears from her eyes and headed for the guest
bedroom that had been prepared and waiting for many months now. Tomorrow
was soon enough to tell Vecchio that if he ever hurt Ben again she would
kill him. 

THE END