Incandescence    Incandescence by Laura Shapiro

 Author's webpage: http://www.sirius.com/~lshapiro/vanity

 Author's notes: This is Part I of my series called "Coming to Light".
Eventually (muse willing and the creek don't rise), it will span all four
seasons of the show.

  

 TITLE: Incandescence
 SERIES: This is Part III of my series called "Coming to Light".
 AUTHOR: Laura Shapiro
 FEEDBACK: God, yes. Laura@humandesign.com ARCHIVE: Sure, but please ask
me first. RATING: NC-17
 SPOILERS: The Deal, Heaven and Earth
 SUMMARY: Ray's problem, and what he did about it. DISCLAIMER: If they
belonged to me they'd get what they deserve, especially Franny. Note: a
line or two of dialogue blatantly stolen.
 DEDICATION: For Cody, who helped break a dry spell, and who probably will
never read this. (:
 SPECIAL THANKS: to Dawn Pares, for beta, many helpful suggestions, and
not letting me cheat on the sex. 

 Incandescence by Laura Shapiro 

 "You wanna know what your problem is?" 

 "No, Francesca, why don't you tell me my problem." 

 But he knew. Ray already knew what his problem was. A six-foot-tall, two
hundred pound, red-coated pain in the ass, that's what his problem was. 

 She caught him by surprise, then, nailing him for the coward he'd known
he was since he'd watched Frank Zuko rearrange Marco Metrani's face. Even
last week's events hadn't changed that; his knuckles and Benny's cuts had
healed -- though the Mountie still winced when he climbed into the Riv --
but he'd be a long time trying to forget how helpless he'd felt seeing his
partner all beat up like that. Helpless and afraid. 

 Franny was right, and what's more, his own little sister was braver than
he was. They both wanted the same thing, and she'd gone for it, left him
in the dust. Ray had spent all day worrying about whether he'd slept with
her. Of course he'd slept with her. He was, all evidence to the contrary,
human. She was brave. And Benny respected courage. 

 He felt so tired, all of a sudden. The bile that had been at the back of
his throat all day evaporated, leaving him parched and beaten. And there
was Franny with tears in her eyes. 

 Crazy kid. 

 He held her, or maybe she held him; anyway he felt a little better
afterward. Better was relative, of course. She left him alone in the
interrogation room, probably off to walk home with Benny, dammit. He tried
to care, but he was numb. He knew he'd care plenty when he got home,
though. Go home, feel like shit, go to sleep. It had become a pattern. 

 Benny was at the drinking fountain, bent over the half-hearted stream,
his lips pursed in a ridiculous manner. That fountain had been broken for
weeks, but naturally it worked for the mountie. Jesus, did the guy take
annoying lessons or what? 

 "Where's Franny?" 

 His partner straightened up, his lips faintly moist, and didn't even have
the decency to look embarrassed. "I've no idea." 

 "You've no idea. Aren't you going to walk her home?" 

 "No." 

 No. Ray let this sink in a moment. Now, this was Franny, after all. She
couldn't possibly have taken his advice and decided to stay away from him.
But if they had...gotten together, then why wasn't she hanging all over
him like an Obsession-drenched clinging vine? 

 "C'mon, Benny. I'll give ya a ride home." 

 Did he look more pleased than usual? "Thank you, Ray." 

 Could anyone ever tell how Benny really felt? 

 *** 

 Ray pulled the Riv to a stop in front of Benny's building, and then
changed his mind and started looking for a parking space. The ride over
had been uncharacteristically silent and undramatic (Diefenbaker had even
fallen asleep), but Ray, though exhausted, was also edgy. He couldn't
stand this passive-aggressive bullshit; something had to give. 

 "All right if I use your can?" 

 "My...?" 

 "Your bathroom, Benny." 

 "Ah. Certainly, Ray." And Ray got the joy of seeing his face crease in
pain as he hauled himself out of the Riv. Still feeling the bruises. Those
bastards. 

 The apartment was dark, which was probably a blessing considering that it
was totally lacking in aesthetics, but Benny made no move to turn on the
lights. 

 "I'll get you a candle," Benny said, heading for the kitchen. 

 "You got something against electricity, Benny?" Ray asked, picking his
way cautiously across the room to the bathroom. 

 "It's a waste of resources, Ray. Dief and I get on perfectly well without
it." Dief snorted, and Ray grinned in the darkness. 

 Benny appeared with the candle, its golden glow surrounding his face like
a halo, his features strong and soft in the gentle light. He looks like an
angel, Ray thought. A sister-slaying angel. How come he's so damned
pretty? 

 How come he's staring at me? 

 Benny seemed to come to, snapping his mouth shut and holding out the
candle. "Here you are." As Ray took the candle, Benny seemed to recede
into the shadows, and something inside of Ray moved. Mourned. 

 "Ow. Fuck!" Pain bloomed across his knuckles. 

 "Are you all right?" 

 "Yeah, just the wax." Ray closed the bathroom door before Benny could
come running up with ice cubes or some bear fat or something for the burn.
He set the candle down on the sink, urinated, and was fleetingly glad not
to be able to see the apartment's questionable toilet very well in the
dark. Then he ran some cold water over his hand. 

 He looked up at himself in Benny's small shaving mirror. Not bad, in this
light. His hair was going fast, and his chin sure wasn't going to get any
bigger, but it wasn't a bad mug all in all. Is this the mug of a guy who's
going to get old, get alone, and die? 

 Maybe. But not without a fight. 

 When he came out of the bathroom, he could just see Benny's outline,
sitting in his one chair. He rose -- Ray couldn't actually *see* him
wince, but he knew the wince was there -- and said, "I'm sorry about the
candle, Ray. Perhaps I should buy beeswax next time; they don't drip so
much, but these were quite economical, and --" 

 "Don't worry about it." Ray leaned against the kitchen table, setting the
candle next to Benny. Its incandescence bathed his face, and Ray could see
the fine lines where the glass had cut him. He wanted to stroke the lines,
erase them from that soft, strong flesh. 

 "I meant what I said earlier, about Franny. If I wanted anyone to sleep
with her, I'd want it to be you." 

 "As I said before, Ray, that's very generous of you." 

 "Yeah, I've been thinking about you saying that. What do you mean,
generous?" He could just barely smell Benny's soap and wool smell, dirt
from the refinery, a contained but present odor of sweat. He moved a
little closer. "'Cause that could have, you know, several different
meanings." 

 "I -- I just meant that, well, I would want *my* sister, not that I have
a sister, but if I did have a sister, and if I wanted someone to sleep
with her, I'd...well...I'd want it to be you, too." That stammer. Had
Benny ever stammered in response to him before? Ray was seized by a
powerful need to know if Benny was blushing, which he couldn't tell in the
candlelight. The thought sent a rush of blood singing through him. 

 "Do you know what Franny said to me?" He could feel the heat of Benny's
body, inches away. His palms itched. 

 "When?" 

 "Forget when! It doesn't matter when!" Easy man, easy. Breathe. "The
point is, she said I had a problem. She said," god, his heart was racing.
He swallowed. "She said that I was afraid to reach out for what I really
want." And Ray laid his hand carefully on Benny's thigh. 

 Benny's blue eyes were dun-grey in the candlelight, but flecks of gold
Ray hadn't known were there lit up like Christmastime. He looked like he'd
stopped breathing. 

 And then Benny *lunged* out of the chair, which fell to the floor with an
ear-splitting crack. Ray was pressed up against the wall by all two
hundred pounds of mountie, a thick, sweet mountie tongue thrusting itself
shamelessly into his mouth, firm, warm hands cradling his head. 

 God, the smell of him alone was enough to make Ray's mouth water, but the
taste...a clean, clear flavor so innocent that it almost made Ray laugh
around the anything-but-subtle tongue that was learning every curve of
gum, tooth, palate. The serge of Benny's uniform was rough against his
neck, under his hands as they stroked the broad back -- not that it was
possible to pull Benny any closer. The man's buttons were gouging him in
the chest. 

 But Ray couldn't manage to care about that. Benny's body was so warm and
huge and hard against him, his mouth so devouring, that all Ray could do
for the moment was let himself be taken. 

 Benny's heat was all over him, seeping through layers of cloth, and Ray
felt warm to the ends of his tingling fingers. His cock was filling, and
as he shifted to wrap his arms around Benny's shoulders, he felt an
answering hardness beneath the Sam Browne belt. 

 Benny with a hard on. Benny hard --for him! That was more incredible than
the kiss, which was making him lightheaded. 

 They broke apart, gasping for air, and Ray stared into his friend's eyes.
All he saw there was desire; Benny's angel face was softened by it,
flushed, his lips a little swollen. Ray thought he was the most beautiful
thing he'd ever seen. 

 Those eyes seemed to be searching his face too, looking for permission?
Reassurance? Ray wouldn't let doubt cloud those beautiful eyes. He pulled
the mountie into another kiss, a tender one this time, pressing his lips
softly before stroking in with his tongue. When Ray began to rock his
hips, rubbing their cocks together through cotton, wool, serge, Benny's
muffled moans sent another wave of heat through him. 

 Benny was pulling him away from the wall, sliding big hot hands down to
cup his ass as Ray continued thrusting. It felt so damn good he almost
lost it right there. 

 "Benny. Benny. I'm gonna come in my pants if you don't slow down." He was
expecting he didn't know what -- a smartass remark? Something irritatingly
sensible? But the man said nothing, merely began stripping him of his
trousers with ruthless efficiency. 

 Briefs, slacks, and belt thunked to the floor, and Ray didn't even have
time to toe off his shoes before the heat of Benny's mouth engulfed him.
No preparations, no finesse, just an incredible swirl and thrust of
tongue, scraping soft and rough along his length, and then he was in in
in. When Benny's throat closed around his cock and he felt Ben's lips
brush his pubic hair, any part of Ray that might have wanted to slow down
was utterly lost to the delirious fuck of it. He gripped Ben's skull hard
and just hung on. 

 Hung on as the tip of his dick bashed the back of Benny's throat
repeatedly, sending shiversparks of escalating pleasure through him every
time. Hung on through Benny's muffled grunts, hung on through the oh my
God slurping noises. The suction was intense, every nerve in his body
gathered and strung taut and pulled, pulled into his cock. All he was was
cock. All there was in the universe was this feeling, and Benny's
demanding mouth making it. 

 Ray moaned. Impossibly, Benny sucked harder, wet friction pulling along
Ray's length so firmly that Ray swore he could feel Benny's pulse through
his dick. Faster, moving faster, and Ray thought to open his eyes, to see
Benny's face, dark with blood and need, taking him, taking him. He came
like crashing into a wall. 

 Through his own cries he was aware of his partner's humming echo, cut off
abruptly as Benny swallowed. Benny swallowed. His brain must be starting
to work again, because those two words felt like they didn't belong in the
same room with each other. 

 Not just swallowed. That Mountie tongue was cleaning him thoroughly. 

 "Hey...*hey*." It tickled. 

 He pushed Benny away slightly, or tried to, but then had to clutch him
for support as his legs threatened to give way. No blood to the brain,
pants around his ankles. Sorry state he was in. He slid down the wall as
gently as he could, kneeling opposite Benny. Flushed, sweaty, that angel
face looked like it was undergoing a not-entirelyspritual rapture. 

 Ray took that face in his hands and let it rest there a moment, feeling
the hotdamp skin and, yes, the fluttery pulse under his jaw. Benny's smile
was radiant, and Ray tasted it with all the sloppy, grateful pleasure of a
man who...well, a man whose best friend has just given him the best
blowjob of his life. 

 Ray kneaded the broad shoulders and then pulled Benny against him. His
hands skimmed down to Benny's ass, continuing to massage as his fingers
registered the roundness, the firmness, the utter perfection of that ass.
Ray couldn't wait to see it. 

 He reached around and started trying to figure out the mountie suit's
bizarre configuration of buckles and buttons, but Benny's hot hand covered
his own. Pressed it against his...wet spot. Big wet spot. Soft cock that
jumped a little at the pressure, under a big sticky wet spot and...no way.
No fucking way. 

 "You came? You came in your...*uniform*?" 

 Benny's smile was a little worried around the edges. "Yes." 

 "You -- you weren't even touching yourself. You came...in your
uniform..." 

 "When you did, Ray." 

 With no warning at all, a flood of warm light washed over him, like
bathing in firelight. Soberly, Ray lifted the large hand to his mouth and
kissed it, over and over again. He would have been content to continue
kissing Benny's hand, and any other parts of him, indefinitely. 

 "Ray. I think -- *Ray.*" Practically work to tear his eyes, his lips,
from that fine hand. 

 "These jodhpurs are starting to be uncomfortable." Benny began to stand
up, and Ray was gratified to note that he put one hand against the wall
for support. 

 Support seemed like a good idea, and the wall was right there, so Ray
leaned back against it, slowly and, he was sure, ungracefully, unfolding
himself so that he was sitting down. He kicked the bundle of clothing off
his ankles, the shoes off his feet, thought briefly about what Benny's
feet might look like, wondered if they were ticklish, smiled... 

 ...splashing noises were coming from the bathroom, and it sounded like
Benny was singing, somewhere in the distance... 

 *** 

 ...gentle hands were stroking his hair, warm, soothing. His ass was cold,
and his neck had a crick in it, but he felt pretty good. A little stiff,
maybe. 

 Ray opened his eyes and yawned. Stopped mid-yawn and stared at Constable
Benton Fraser, RCMP, naked as the day he was born. Assuming he hadn't, in
fact, been born in the red suit, which was something Ray often suspected. 

 "I wonder if you'd care to join me in bed, Ray?" 

 Ray smiled lazily. "Best offer I've had in weeks." He rose on his
unsteady pins, realized he was naked from the waist down, and removed his
shirt. He heard Benny's breath catch. 

 "Ray," and Benny's hand was on his chest, moving slowly down, leaving a
trail of heat in its wake. "You're so beautiful." 

 Now he was warm all over. "Yeah, that's what my mother tells me." He took
hold of Benny's hand and squeezed. "Now stand back a minute and let me
look at you." 

 The mountie moved back a pace but kept hold of his hand. So that hair
*does* get mussed, thought Ray, as his eyes traveled the familiar face. He
had never seen Benny look so...relaxed. The blue eyes regarded him with
such open fondness and affection that it made him feel a little squirmy.
Down the sturdy white column of neck, broad shoulders and firm, smooth
torso, marred by cuts and greening bruises, oh Benny. Nipples flat, oval,
and brown and just begging for Ray's tongue. Later. Barely a trace of hair
on him, not even a treasure trail down that sweet belly -- a little soft
there, big guy -- until, abruptly, a thick nest of dark curls from which a
pink, thick, uncircumcised cock was rising. Ray's mouth watered. Soon. 

 He barely got a chance to admire the impressive musculature of Benny's
thighs before the man was all over him, kissing his face, his jaw, his
neck, and backing him toward the bed. Its edge hit Ray at the back of his
knees and he sat down awkwardly with a lapful of Mountie. 

 "Benny, Benny, hang on a minute..." 

 "I don't want to hang on," Benny mumbled into his neck, "I've spent a
year hanging on." He licked the edge of Ray's ear and Ray felt all the
little hairs on his body stand up and take notice. His dick wasn't far
behind. 

 "Ohhh...uh, okay, I'm with you, Benny, but you know, you're not the only
one who's been hanging on. How about giving a guy a chance to feel *you*
up for a change?" 

 Benny leaned back and gave him a look that wondered why he hadn't said so
in the first place. "Understood," he said, and rolled off of Ray and onto
the bed. On his stomach. 

 Ray had been stifling a chuckle at that "understood", and was about to
say something about bedside manner, but that was before he got a look at
Benny's backside. Now all he could do was breathe. And watch as his hands
floated through the air through no will of his and stroked those
incredible curves, cupping and massaging and generally being as slutty as
a guy's hands could be. 

 "Mmmm," Benny sighed, and then gasped as Ray's teeth lightly grazed his
right buttock. Good, he's enjoying himself, thought Ray. I'm not sure I
could stop even if he wasn't. His cock was full and throbbing as he
kissed, licked, and nibbled his way along the round, welcoming terrain of
Benny's ass. Benny continued to "mmm" and gasp. Ray wondered a moment,
then figured what the hell, spread those beautiful cheeks and slipped his
tongue between them. 

 "Ah! God...oh, *Ray*..." 

 Earth, copper, sweat. Benny tasted good, no real surprises there. His
tongue traveled lightly over the fine ridges, not probing, just stroking.
Benny had stopped talking and was just lying there quivering and fisting
the blanket. Ray could feel him pulsing under his tongue, starting to
relax into it. Well, I guess I finally figured out how to make him shut
up, he thought. 

 He slid a hand under Benny and wrapped his hand around his cock, and a
fine thing it was, too. Big and leaking, the foreskin already sliding
back. Running his thumb over the tip produced a moan so impressive that
Ray felt like he'd won the lottery, so he did it again, and again, still
licking. His own cock was aching in sympathetic throbs. 

 I want to fuck him so bad, Ray thought. I wonder if he'd let me. 

 He lifted his head. 

 "Oh, Ray, don't *stop*!" 

 He licked his finger and circled it around the tight entrance. His other
hand continued slowly working Benny's cock. "Benny, have you ever --" 

 "*Please!*" Benny pushed up against him, and his finger slid inside. My
god, so hot, so tight in there. But loosening up as Ray moved his hand
back and forth, trying to stay slow and gentle despite the way Benny's
hips kept pushing back. Benny was on his knees now. He was making little
cries and every one of them went straight to Ray's cock. Ray offered a
second finger which was gratefully accepted. He gave up after that and
fucked Benny hard and fast, letting him set the rhythm with his wild hips.
About this time Ray began to think about Benny's bruises, but asking if he
was okay seemed ridiculous, the way he was carrying on. Ray smiled and
laid a kiss at the base of Benny's spine, and Benny yelped and came,
pulsing around Ray's fingers, coating his other hand with wet heat, and
trembling all over. 

 Ray gave him a minute to catch his breath and then eased his fingers out.
Benny collapsed bonelessly back onto the bed, and Ray draped himself on
top of him, making both of them sigh. The hot, sweaty flush of Benny's
body felt utterly perfect against him, and he couldn't resist a little
bump and grind. His cock was aching. 

 Benny's voice was a little rough, a little muffled by the pillow. "In
answer to your question: no, I haven't ever. And yes, you may." 

 "Are you sure?" Ray kissed the moist back of his neck. "I don't want to
hurt you." 

 "You would never hurt me, Ray." 

 He thought his heart was going to leap out of his body, so Ray wrapped
his arms around Benny and held on tightly, keeping it safely caged between
them. "What about your bruises? Are they acting up at all?" 

 Benny turned his head and kissed him, an awkward, sideways, tender thing.
"I'd forgotten all about them." 

 Benny's lips provided a few moments' tasty distraction, and then Ray was
up and fumbling in his rumpled wad of clothing. Good, this one was
lubricated; he wasn't about to ask Benny if he kept any KY around the
apartment. 

 He rolled on the condom, giving himself a few unnecessary strokes. He was
rock hard and so ready for this. Benny had put a pillow under his hips and
raised himself up on his elbows. His legs were spread and he was watching
Ray over his shoulder. His face was flushed, his eyes bright and hazy, his
lips parted. Ray's chest felt tight. 

 "I musta died today, Benny, 'cause you sure look like heaven to me." 

 "I've wanted this for so long. Wanted you." 

 He knelt between Benny's legs. "Do you want me, Benny?" He rubbed his
needy cock against the pink pucker there. 

 "I want you, Ray." 

 You got me, Ray thought, as he pressed in as gently as he could manage.
Resistance, at first, as the muscles protested against him. He pulled back
a little, but Benny followed with those wicked hips of his. He pressed in
again, a little farther, and then Benny bore down, groaning, and he was
there. In deep, loved on all sides by slick, hot, melting flesh. He let
out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. 

 "Are you all right, Benny?" 

 "Fuck me." 

 Words he was sure Benny had never said before, and they sent a rush of
aching pleasure through his cock. If Benny kept talking like that, this
wasn't going to last very long. 

 He withdrew a bit, gasped at the friction, slid slowly back in, gasped
some more. He moved out again, felt Benny relax around him even further,
and went in faster and harder this time. Both men groaned. After that, he
quickly lost track of any noises Benny was making in the raw sensation of
it. He gripped Benny's hips and *rode*. 

 It wasn't supposed to be this good. Nobody's first time was this good. It
was fantasy. It didn't really happen. But it was. Every motion was the
purest delight, and the view was unsurpassable. Benny moved like a wild
thing, abandoned, in heat. He tossed his damp head and the muscles in his
back rippled, and his ass was the sweetest place Ray ever hoped to visit. 

 And it was *Benny*. 

 When Ray came, he didn't want to stop, that's how good it was. He never
wanted it to end, kept fucking Benny until he couldn't stand the intense
sensations any longer. With regret, he slipped out, holding onto the
condom. He removed it, threw it in the wastebasket, and then flopped over
onto the bed. Benny rolled to face him and smiled. There were tears in his
eyes. 

 "Thank you, Ray." 

 Ray couldn't believe it. "What are you thanking me for? You just gave me
the ride of my life." 

 "There's no need to be crude." 

 "Crude?! This from the guy who just begged me to fuck him?" 

 Benny smiled and blushed. "Well, I..." 

 "Kiss me, you jerk." 

 It was a soft kiss, and there was quiet for a few moments while they held
each other. Ray was worried they would fall asleep. 

 "Benny?" 

 A pause. "I had no idea you...believe me, if I'd known..." 

 "No one knows." 

 "Have you always been...?" 

 "You can say the word, Benny. I won't bite your head off. Not here,
anyway." He petted Benny's hair. "I've been gay ever since I can remember.
When I was nine, Pop took me to the circus. It was the only father-son
outing I got that whole year, and probably the last one ever, now that I
think about it. The whole time he was drinking beer and leering at the
women in their leotards. "Look at that one," he'd say, "look at the set on
her." And he'd look at me and I was supposed to agree. "Yeah, Pop. Wow."
Here I was, nine years old, and I just wanted to look at the friggin'
elephants for chrissake, and he's pointing out legs, tits, asses. And the
more he drinks, the dirtier his mouth is. And he's spilling the beer on
his lap, and I can see his hard-on, and I'm not feeling a damn thing about
these women, just how disgusting he makes me feel. But he keeps looking at
me and I know what I'm supposed to do, so I look at the performers and I
say what he wants to hear. 

 "Only I'm looking at the male performers. The trapeze guys, the acrobats,
the ringmaster. Seeing legs and tits and asses and feeling...well,
whatever a nine-year-old kid feels. I remember I got hard. And then I was
disgusted with *myself*. 

 "I just kept saying what he wanted to hear. My whole life, I've been
pretending." 

 "Ray, I'm so--" 

 "Listen, Benny." He kissed the tip of Benny's nose. "It's late. Ma's
gonna wonder where I am." 

 Benny furrowed his brow. God, he was cute. "I thought that, under the
circumstances, perhaps you'd stay here tonight." 

 "I can't do that, Benny. I got the family waiting for me at home." 

 Benny blinked. "Understood." 

 That made Ray smile. "You know, it looks real funny when you say that
when you're naked." 

 That got him a slight frown. "Funny?" 

 "Funny in a gorgeous kinda way." He leaned in for a quick kiss. "Now,
where did I put my pants? Aw geez, they're gonna be all wrinkled. Another
suit you ruined..." 

 "I don't think you can really blame me for that one, Ray. And I believe
that a quick touch-up with a warm iron is all the attention they'll
require." 

 Ray laughed. I love you, he thought. He found his shirt at the foot of
the bed, remembered Benny's reaction when he'd removed it, and flushed. 

 "Ray...I take it you don't want anyone to know about this." 

 "You're right about that. But if there's one thing you've proved today,
Benny, it's that you don't kiss and tell." 

 "I didn't have sex with your sister, Ray." 

 Ray looked up into Benny's earnest eyes. "I know you didn't." 

 He found his shoes, got them on while Benny donned boxers and a robe.
Together they headed out through the small living area. Diefenbaker was
asleep under the kitchen table. 

 "The wolf's got the right idea. Sleep well, Benny." 

 "I will, Ray. I hope you have a restful night as well." Benny looked
awkward, then reached to open the door. Ray caught his hand and kissed it,
then pulled Benny close. It was hard to leave. 

 "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" 

 Benny's eyes were twinkling. 

 "And tomorrow night?" 

 "And tomorrow night." He brushed Benny's lips lightly with his own. Benny
returned the soft gesture, and then let him go. 

 END OF PART III