Vigilance	 Vigilance 

It was 5am, that time that gave rise to the phrase "it's always darkest
just before the dawn", and the plaintive wail of a newly awakened and
hungry baby rose from the crib just a few feet away from the narrow bed.
By the time Ray had struggled out of sleep, Ben had already lifted his son
out of the crib and was padding quietly across to the kitchen counter
where a bottle of formula was being kept warm in a large thermos for just
this eventuality. A moment later the crying stopped, to be replaced by
greedy sucking noises. Ray grinned. Fraser was certainly a good feeder... 

He could see Ben, his pale body ghost-like in the darkness, drifting back
towards the bed, and he shifted over to make room and sat up. Ben's weight
settled beside Ray and he looked up from the small face to smile at his
lover. 

"Go back to sleep Ray, you're working today, remember?" 

Ray had been taking a lot of time off work lately... first to look after
Ben, and then later, to help Ben cope with the arrival of a two month old
baby. Ben hadn't wanted him to do that but Ray had insisted. Sooner or
later, though, they would have to find a day-care centre that would take a
young baby. And pass all the rigorous requirements of two over anxious
bachelors... 

Ray nuzzled his friend's ear and stayed leaning against his shoulder,
watching the level of formula rapidly dropping in the bottle. 

"Kid's got good suction" he remarked lightly. "We could use him as a
vacuum cleaner when he's older." 

Ben turned his head to kiss Ray gently on the temple. "Go back to
sleep..." 

"I'm fine. I'm a cop aren't I? We're always working on not enough sleep.
Besides, you need sleep just as much as me. You should let me do this
sometimes." 

"He's my son, Ray. That makes him my responsibility." 

Ray slid away from him and lay back down. What Ben had said was perfectly
true. Fraser was his son... so why did he feel so hurt by that simple
statement? This was no time to start thinking about things like that, he
told himself firmly, and with an ability honed by years of experience with
disrupted nights, he let himself drop back into sleep. 

* 

It was becoming more and more difficult for Ray to justify the amount of
time he was taking off work. And spending at Ben's apartment. After all,
Ben had recovered now from the shock of Victoria's death and had settled
into some kind of routine with Fraser. But they were both reluctant to put
the baby into day-care, so they were taking turns to stay home from work
to look after him. This wasn't something that Lt Welsh could readily
accept... in his view the baby was the Mountie's responsibility not Ray's.
The problem was, Ray didn't see it that way at all. 

It wasn't any easier at home. Mrs Vecchio had been very supportive while
Ben was ill, but didn't understand why Ray still needed to stay over at
Ben's apartment almost every night. This wasn't something that Ray was
keen to discuss with her, he certainly didn't want to tell her the real
reason. Not when he had no idea how long this new relationship with Ben
was going to last. And that was the most difficult thing of all. 

He'd never had a relationship... all right, sex... with another man. He'd
thought about it once or twice, but he knew his family would never accept
it, or his colleagues at work. It had never been worth taking that kind of
risk. Now he'd done it. And it was far more than that. If there was one
person in the world who was the missing part of his own soul it was Benton
Fraser... Ray knew, soul-deep, that he would never willingly leave Ben,
but would Ben even want him, once he was really over Victoria? 

They didn't talk about her at all, they didn't talk about anything to do
with that terrible night when Meg Thatcher had killed Victoria to save
both Ray and Ben's lives, and left Ben a complete wreck, unable to care
for himself at all. Or the weeks that Ray had spent nursing him, to keep
him out of the psych ward which had been the only other alternative... Ben
seemed to have recovered, but Ray, with the memories of those weeks still
raw, wasn't willing to take any chances on that score. It was becoming
clear, though, that something would have to give. He couldn't let things
slide forever. 

When he got to the apartment after work, he discovered that he would have
to do something sooner than he'd expected. A very relieved Ben informed
him that he would be able to take Fraser with him to the Consulate, for a
while at least, until a more permanent arrangement could be made. 

"That's great, Benny. I really didn't like the idea of him going to
day-care while he's still so young." 

"Yes. I was worried about that myself..." Ray couldn't help grinning, this
was no news to him... "And you won't need to take any more time off work
to baby-sit. I know Lt Welsh wasn't happy about it." 

"Who cares. I wanted to do it Benny. I like looking after the little guy."
In fact, Ray wasn't as happy about this as he should be. He was going to
miss the baby-sitting. At least he would be seeing him in the evenings. He
noticed Ben was looking uncomfortable. 

"What else, Benny? Spit it out." 

"Your mother called today, on Mr Mustafi's phone. She's not very happy
that you're spending so much time here." 

Uh-oh... 

"What did you tell her?" 

Ben looked even more uncomfortable. "Just that you'd been helping me with
Fraser. And that I'd talk to you about it..." 

Already he didn't like the way this was going. He could tell that Ben was
going to say he should leave, but maybe that was just Ben putting other
people's needs ahead of his own as usual. "So talk." 

"Ray... You don't need to stay here as much as you do. I'm all right now."


"And you don't need me anymore." Ray could feel his chest tightening. He
was trying to stay calm, but every time Ben spoke in that gentle,
reasonable tone his anxiety hitched itself up another notch. It didn't
seem to be occurring to Ben that he should want Ray to stay with him. What
did that say about their relationship? 

"I don't need you, Ray. You're still my best friend... you always will
be." Ben was clearly at a loss. 

"So I can just go back to my normal life and forget about the last two
months. Is that it Benny?" 

"Ray, what's wrong? I thought you'd be glad everything can get back to
normal. That you don't have to stay here... I know you don't like this
apartment." 

"That's because it's a rat-trap, Benny. But I didn't have to stay here. I
didn't have to do anything. I could've put you in the loony bin and left
Fraser to rot in a foster home. Didn't it ever occur to you that I stayed
here because I wanted to?" He turned away for a moment, catching his
breath, and then back again. "What do you think all that was about?" He
gestured towards the bed. "Did you think it was because I felt sorry for
you? God, Benny..." 

Ben was staring at him as though he'd grown another head and set of arms.
He wanted to walk out, but the thought of losing Ben, and Fraser, was more
than he could bear. They'd gotten to be so much a part of him that it was
easier to think about not breathing than to imagine his life without them.
He should never have let it happen he realised, Ben had needed him so much
that he'd given himself without considering the consequences. And he'd
known this could happen, he'd just never allowed himself to believe that
it would. 

Ben came over and put his arms around Ray, drawing him in close. "I'm
sorry, Ray... I'm so sorry." 

So that's how it was... Ray leaned against him for a moment, gathering the
strength to move away. "It's OK... I should have known it would turn out
like this... You were too messed up to think about what you were doing. I
just hoped..." 

"Ray..." Ben took Ray's face between his hands, but Ray pulled away. 

"Don't Benny. It won't do any good. I'll get my stuff in a couple of days,
OK?" He almost ran for the door, ignoring Ben's voice calling his name. 

* 

Ray spent a miserable few days trying to pretend that everything was
normal again. But it wasn't. Normal was waking up in the middle of the
night to feed Fraser. Normal was sleeping next to a large, warm body in a
cramped bed. Normal was coming home to a man he loved more than anything
in his life, except maybe for a tiny scrap of humanity who couldn't even
say his name, and now might never get the chance to learn it... It was
this thought that finally drove him back to the apartment at a time when
he knew Ben would be there. 

When Ben opened the door, he had Fraser cradled in the crook of one arm,
wailing, and a bottle in his hand. They stared at each other speechlessly
until Fraser's squeal of anger at being ignored galvanised them into
action. 

Suddenly they were in each other's arms, both talking at once, and unable
to understand a word the other was saying. And then they were kissing...
hard, urgent, needy kisses. A small foot kicked Ray hard in the stomach
and he fell back gasping. He lifted a hand to rub the sore spot and glared
at the now screaming infant. 

"For God's sake feed him, Benny." 

"I've been trying to, Ray. He won't take the bottle." Ben sounded as
though he was at the end of his tether. He also looked like he hadn't
slept too well. 

Ray took pity on him. "Give him to me and take a break." Fraser quietened
as soon as Ray took him. He glanced up at Ben, surprised, and lost no time
putting the teat to Fraser's mouth, where it was snapped up immediately. 

In the sudden silence they looked at each other, but that hurt too much
and Ray moved to the armchair and sat, watching Fraser's face as he
suckled. He brushed away tears from the rounded cheeks with a gentle
fingertip. 

"I think he's missed you, Ray. He's been very fretful since you left." Ben
sounded incredibly weary. Ray looked over at him sitting on the bed.
Another long exchange, and then Ben dropped his head into his hands. 

"What about you, Benny? Did you miss me?" Ray's voice was ragged. 

Ben's fingers tightened on his skull. "It's not that simple, Ray." 

"Yes it is. It's very simple, Benny. Yes or no. Did you miss me?" 

"Of course I did..." Ben looked up at last, his eyes wet. "Ray what are we
going to do?" 

"I don't know. But we gotta do something... I can't take another three
days like this. I love you. Both of you." 

He looked down at Fraser again, sucking sleepily at an almost empty
bottle. He removed the bottle gently and Fraser sighed, his mouth working
a little. Ray lifted him to his shoulder and began to rub his back slowly.
He was so small, so fragile. Ray lowered his face to the fine black fuzz
and breathed in the baby scent of talcum powder and formula. He felt Ben
sit on the arm of the chair and a hand began to stroke his cropped hair
lightly. Fraser let out an enormous belch. 

They laughed then, shakily. Ben trailed behind Ray as he carried Fraser
over to his crib. It was difficult to lay the baby down and pull the
covers up, he didn't want to let go of him. But then Ben's arms came
around him from behind, drawing him away, towards the bed. He turned
inside the circle of Ben's arms, his own arms automatically sliding around
Ben's waist, his mouth seeking Ben's without any prompting from his
conscious mind. 

It was like the first time they'd made love. A sense of discovery, which
Ray had never felt with any other lover, possessed him. There was no
urgency now, it was all too profound, and he wanted to experience
everything as deeply as possible. They drifted slowly towards the bed,
shedding clothes as they went. Ben went down first, pulling Ray over on
top of him his hands caressing Ray's almost painfully sensitised skin,
warm wet kisses trailing over his tight aching nipples. Ray could have
gone on like this indefinitely, but beneath him Ben's body shuddered once
and then moved urgently. He managed to entangle his legs with Ben's and
then twisted so that Ben was now uppermost. Ben began to thrust in
earnest, drawing Ray along with him into ecstasy. 

Coming back to reality... the reality of a hot sweaty body on top of him,
a narrow uncomfortable bed and a lover that nobody was going to approve
of, or accept, Ray knew that making love with Ben, as glorious as it had
been, had changed nothing. Or perhaps it had changed everything... But he
still didn't know what to do. Ben lifted his head, his eyes focusing
reluctantly, and they stared at each other, both knowing that this love,
so sweet, so unexpected was going to radically, and probably painfully,
change their lives forever. 

* 

When Fraser woke again it was late, and they'd talked for hours without
resolving anything. Ben had suggested very early on that Ray continue to
live at the family house and just visit. Ray had instantly and
unhesitatingly rejected this idea, why he wasn't sure, but he knew he
didn't want to do that. They'd discussed getting an apartment together,
with two bedrooms for appearances sake, but both of them knew that this
would only delay the inevitable and put an additional strain on them that
neither of them could handle right now. 

Ray was arguing that they might as well just tell everybody and get it all
over with at once, when snuffling noises from the crib alerted them to the
fact that Fraser was going to need another feed. Neither of them had
thought to get it ready. Ben dived for the kitchen while Ray lifted Fraser
out of the crib and held him as he came out of his sleep. His eyes were
tracking well now, he stared at Ray and nestled against the bare chest as
Ray made faces for him and tickled the cloth covered feet, hoping to keep
him distracted until Ben had the formula made up. 

Ben slid into the bed, bottle in hand and Ray passed Fraser over to him.
He waited until Ben settled the baby and got him started on the feed, then
draped himself across Ben's shoulder and stared at the tiny face. Fraser
slowly opened his eyes, staring up at his father, and then shifting to
lock his gaze with Ray's. Ray was sure he saw recognition there. Was that
even possible for a baby so young? He knew now why he wanted to live
there... if it had been just him and Ben he could have handled the time
apart, but babies grew and changed so fast, and he didn't want to miss any
more of Fraser than he absolutely had to. The last three days had seemed
an eternity. 

Even after Fraser had finished his bottle, been burped and had his diaper
changed, Ray was still trying to come to terms with his discovery. He
loved that tiny baby, there had never been any doubt about that, but
somehow it seemed Fraser had laid claim to him with a finality that Ray
could not deny. He hadn't the slightest wish to deny it, but the strength
of it had shaken him. 

"Let me hold him for a while, Benny." He took Fraser, on the verge of
sleep now, and lay down with the small body lying on his chest. Ben
immediately lay beside him, on his side, one arm around Ray's waist, his
chin resting against Ray's shoulder. Ray could feel the flutter of
Fraser's heart against his skin and his two hands could easily span the
length of that small body. He stroked the back of one tiny hand with his
forefinger and then slid it underneath. Fraser's fingers closed tightly
around it. He turned his head and looked at Ben, seeing an understanding
there that he hadn't expected. 

"What do you want, Ray?" 

"To be with you. That's all." 

"Your family aren't going to like that... Are you sure it's worth it?" 

He nodded, unable to speak. Ben leaned over and kissed him. "We'll come
with you." 

"No... I think it would be better if I went alone." Ben couldn't cope too
well with his family at the best of times, and God only knew what was
going to happen when he announced they were going to be living together. 

* 

Usually just sitting in the Riv, listening to the husky purr of its engine
made Ray feel at peace with the world, but tonight he didn't feel that way
at all. It was dark, well after dinner time. He'd stayed late at the
Precinct deliberately, knowing he couldn't eat a thing and that there was
no question of him telling his family over the dinner table. The cheerful
chaos of mealtimes would have made that impossible, even if the kids
hadn't been there. It was time to face the music. He switched off the
engine and reluctantly climbed out of the car. 

His feet seemed to drag as he walked slowly up the path to the porch,
wanting at every step to turn and run back to the sanctuary of his car.
The rattle of his key in the lock brought his mother into the hallway, but
he avoided her gaze, making a production out of removing his coat and
hanging it in the closet. 

"Have you eaten, caro?" 

"Yeah, I got something at the diner, Ma. I'm fine." He couldn't evade her
forever... he took a deep breath and turned. 

"Where were you last night, Raimondo? You didn't come back." 

"I went to see Benny... Fraser wasn't too great, so I stayed over to give
him a hand..." He nodded towards the lounge. "The others in there?" 

"Si. Come through." His mother looked serious, almost grim, and he began
to wonder if she'd guessed what was happening between him and Benny. He
couldn't imagine what she would be thinking, if that was the case. 

The television was blaring, some new game show he thought, while Frannie
and Maria yelled encouragement to a favoured contestant and Tony dozed in
an armchair. Ray dropped into another armchair and tried to muster some
interest in the show, anything to put off the inevitable, but he was too
restless to focus on what was happening on the screen. Finally he looked
over at his mother and found her watching him. 

"Ma we gotta talk..." 

"Si. Turn off the television." Her face was even grimmer than before. 

The others hadn't noticed what was happening and there was an outcry when
he switched off the show, loud enough to wake Tony. 

"Why'd ya do that? There was a thousand dollars riding on that question!" 

Ray ignored Maria's objection. "I got something to tell ya all." 

"Can't it wait? We can still catch the end of the show." 

"No, it can't wait Frannie. Geez, is that stuff all you care about?" 

"Ma!" But Frannie's appeal fell on deaf ears. 

"Well, Raimondo? What do you have to tell us?" 

Suddenly they were all looking at him. He swallowed past a sudden
tightness in his throat. 

"It's about me and... and Benny. And Fraser." He was shaking suddenly, it
seemed impossible that he could tell them this, but he forced himself to
continue. "You know how much I... care about them... about Benny..." 

"He's your best friend, of course you care about him. So what?" Frannie
subsided at her mother's glance. 

"So I love him. That's what" His annoyance with her gave him the impetus
to get that out. 

Tony joined in for the first time. "You love him like a brother, right?" 

"No, not like a brother, damn it. I love him. Period. I love him and I'm
gonna live with him." 

For once the Vecchio household was in complete silence. His mother, two
sisters, and brother-in-law were staring at him as though they'd never
seen him before. Perhaps, in a sense, they hadn't. 

Not surprisingly, it was Frannie who reacted first. Ray had suspected that
she'd never entirely given up hope of getting Ben, now he was sure of it. 

"Whaddaya mean? You and Benton? Are you crazy? He'd never do that!" 

Before he got a chance to reply, Maria joined in... "It's not true. It
can't be true, why are you doing this to us?" 

"I'm not doing anything to you Maria. I told ya. I love him, and I'm going
to live with him." 

"Don't you talk to my wife like that!" 

"Like what? What did I say?" 

They all started talking at once, except for his mother. He tried to keep
his cool, but failed miserably... He was yelling as loud as any of them,
but still painfully aware of his mother's silence. After a while he
couldn't stand it any more. 

"Hang on, hang on!" He stood up and yelled at the top of his voice and the
others quietened for a moment. Before they could start again, he turned to
his mother. "Ma? Are you going to say anything?" 

"What is there to say, Raimondo? You have made your choice, no?" 

"Yeah, but..." Her calmness was more frightening than everyone else's
anger. Ray could feel his heart pounding, his chest tightening so he could
hardly breathe. 

"You know what the Church teaches, Raimondo." 

"Ma..." he couldn't get any more out. Even the others were staring
dumbfounded at their mother. 

She looked at him for a long moment, tears gathering in her eyes, but her
voice was firm. "You are not my son any more." 

"No!" This was worse than anything he could have imagined. "Ma, please...
don't do this... can't we talk?" 

"You must give him up, Raimondo. You must never see him again. Or you must
leave this family." 

"I can't..." he whispered the words, too shocked to speak normally. "You
don't know... I can't leave him." 

"Then go to him. But do not come here again." 

* 

It was after midnight and there was still no sign of Ray. Ben was almost
frantic with worry. He'd tried to call Ray's cell phone, but it was
switched off. Then he'd rung the Vecchio household. Francesca had answered
and hung up as soon as he spoke. He should have insisted on accompanying
Ray. He was tempted to go out searching for Ray, but the thought of him
coming back to an empty apartment was enough to make him change his mind. 

Fraser was fretful again, no doubt picking up on his own tension. He paced
up and down with the baby against his shoulder, singing under his breath
and worrying. When the door opened he put Fraser in his crib, for once
more concerned about Ray than his son. 

Ray looked terrible, his face seemed drawn, thinner, though it was only a
few hours since Ben had last seen him. His eyes were glazed, but when Ben
got close to him there was no smell of alcohol on his breath. Ben put his
arms around Ray drawing him into a gentle embrace, felt him begin to
tremble, and then Ray pulled away. 

"Ray, what happened? I've been worried about you." 

"It didn't go too well, Benny." Ray's voice was so subdued it could hardly
be heard. He went over to the window avoiding Ben's gaze. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

"Not right now. I'm tired." 

Ben went over and put his arms around Ray again, from behind. This time
Ray didn't move away, but he didn't respond either. Ben brushed the back
of his neck with his lips, feeling terribly helpless in the face of Ray's
obvious pain. Eventually he was able to lead Ray over to the bed and
undress him. 

Lying in the dark, holding him, Ben tried to imagine what could have
happened. Ray had been expecting it to be difficult to tell his family
about them, but obviously it had been much worse than he'd anticipated. He
wondered if he should go to see them, but that might only make things
worse. He'd have to find out from Ray what had happened. 

* 

When Fraser woke for his early feed, Ben was surprised to find Ray already
on his way to the crib, bottle in hand. He suspected that Ray hadn't slept
at all. Ray brought Fraser back to the bed and Ben wrapped his arms around
him and kissed him gently on the cheek. Afterwards they lay down with
Fraser still in Ray's arms. He seemed to need to hold the baby so Ben lay
watching, careful to stay awake in case Ray slept. 

It was becoming light before Ray stirred. "Benny..." 

"Yes, love?" 

But Ray just looked at him, his grey-green eyes so full of pain that Ben
wanted to kiss him and reassure him that everything would be all right.
But he couldn't. 

* 

Two days had gone by and Ray still hadn't told him what had happened that
night. In fact he'd hardly spoken at all. Whenever Fraser was awake, he'd
play with the baby and take care of everything... feeding, changing and
washing him... avoiding Ben as much as possible. Refusing to talk about
anything more serious than the weather. 

Ben was cooking dinner. That worried him too. Usually Ray wouldn't let him
cook, having a very unflattering opinion of his abilities, but then Ray
wasn't eating much anyway. Ray was lying on the floor, his Armani pants
collecting dust and wolf hairs unnoticed, playing with Fraser, encouraging
him to reach for his fluffy bunny. Dief was there too, watching closely
for a chance to steal it, he was completely obsessed with the toy for some
reason. 

Ben abandoned his cooking efforts, drying his hands on a towel. He went
over and lay on the floor beside Ray, snatching the bunny from his hands
and laying it on Fraser's chest where the baby managed to grab hold of an
ear and crowed with delight. He caught hold of Ray's shoulder, turning him
onto his back, putting a hand to his cheek so he couldn't look away. 

"Talk to me, Ray." 

Ray just looked at him, his beautiful eyes full of misery, his face
carefully blank. He was desperate to find a way to reach Ray before his
pain overwhelmed them both. 

Perhaps actions really did speak louder than words... He leaned over him,
capturing his lips in the gentlest of kisses and slid his hand over the
front of Ray's silk shirt, feeling the warmth of his body through the soft
cloth. After a moment Ray's lips parted slightly and Ben deepened the kiss
a little, taking it slowly. His fingers strayed to the buttons on Ray's
shirt, slipping one then another free, sliding his hand inside, over skin
as sleek and silky as the cloth that covered it. Ray moaned softly against
Ben's mouth, seeming to respond almost against his will. 

Ben was nervous about going any further, Ray hadn't shown any interest in
making love since the confrontation with his family and Ben didn't want to
push him too far. He continued with the gentle probing kisses and touches
until Ray relaxed against him and brought his hands up to slide through
his hair. 

Encouraged, Ben continued his unbuttoning of Ray's shirt, moving his hand
down over Ray's chest, circling the puckered nipple, stroking it to
hardness. His lips drifted slowly down Ray's throat, pausing now and then,
lingering in the hollow at the base to slide his tongue over the sensitive
skin. He heard a faint sigh from Ray as he slid the shirt off one shoulder
and began to nibble softly at the fragile arch of his collarbone. 

"Benny..." 

He lifted his head to meet Ray's quiet, sad look. "I love you, Ray." 

He could have groaned aloud at the triteness of it, but somehow it was
what Ray needed. A faint, almost reluctant, smile tugged at his lips and
he drew Ben's head down to his breast. Ben kissed him gently, just below
the dark nipple, then slowly sucked it between his lips. Ray remained
passive under his touch, accepting but not responding as Ben's hand slowly
caressed him, moving under the thin shirt. 

Keeping every sense alert to Ray's responses, Ben withdrew his hand and
began to unbuckle his belt. Ray seemed to be OK with that, so he
unfastened the zipper and slid his hand inside, exploring the heavy
arousal he found there. Ray shifted against his hand with an involuntary
push of his hips and Ben pushed down the thin briefs and curled his
fingers around the long slender shaft, slowly caressing it. Tremors were
coursing through Ray's body and his breathing had become ragged under the
slow steady onslaught, Ben felt it was time to take things further. He
realised that he knew exactly what he wanted to do. 

He took his hand, unwillingly, from Ray's cock and freed himself from the
increasingly uncomfortable confines of his uniform pants, then drew Ray
pants down off his hips, planting a kiss on the taut belly showing beneath
the rucked up shirt. He began to stroke the tight, dark balls, moving down
even further between Ray's legs, brushing lightly along the cleft of Ray's
ass. There was a shaken gasp from behind his head and he turned it to look
at his lover. 

Ray's eyes seemed huge, and he moved to take him in his arms and reassure
him with a lingering kiss. His hands never stopped moving, arousing but
not satisfying Ray's need, until Ray would have agreed to almost anything.
They'd never done this before, but Ben wanted, needed, to claim Ray in a
way that was unmistakable and he was sure that Ray needed it just as
badly. He turned Ray gently onto his side, facing away and pressed himself
close against his ass. His own cock was trembling with long contained
need. 

Ray's whole body tensed but it took a moment for Ben to realise what had
happened. He had taken Ray's cock tightly in his hand and was pumping it
in time to his own short thrusts against Ray's ass. 

"Benny! We can't... not like this..." 

"Why...?" Ben could hear the hoarseness of his own voice. 

"Fraser." Ray was staring at him urgently over his shoulder, his face
showing his desire. 

Ben glanced across at his son... he was sleepily blinking his eyes and not
even looking in their direction. Dief had wandered off to the other side
of the room. The bunny was nowhere in sight. "Ray, he's three months old.
He doesn't know what we're doing." 

"It doesn't feel right." 

Ben sighed. He pulled his pants together and stepped over Ray's body to
scoop up the baby and carry him to his crib. He grabbed the bottle of baby
oil on the way back. 

"Is that better?" 

Ray nodded, eyes still serious, but he managed a small smile. He looked so
gorgeous lying there, his pants down around his knees, his shirt pushed up
almost to his waist and falling away from one shoulder. Ben dropped down
beside him, his own need forgotten and began to cover him with slow wet
kisses until Ray pulled his head up. 

"God, Benny... if you're going to do what I think you are... you'd better
hurry..." 

"Do you want me to, Ray?" 

Ray swallowed nervously and nodded. Ben squirted a few drops of oil onto
his fingers and began to massage it into the puckered opening, feeling the
involuntary contraction at his touch. He slid a finger carefully inside,
watching Ray's face all the time, but there was no alarm showing there. He
added another finger, sliding deeper, searching for the prostate, rubbing
gently against it. Ray shuddered and moved against his hand. 

Ben withdrew his fingers and rolled Ray onto his side, putting more oil
into the palm of his hand and spreading it over his cock. He shivered in
anticipation as he pressed closer, carefully guiding his cock into his
lover's body. Once there, he was overwhelmed by the sensation of being so
tightly held. He brushed his lips across the back of Ray's neck, feeling
only tenderness. It couldn't last though, soon Ray was shaking with need
and Ben was infected by his urgency. They began to move awkwardly at first
and then they found each other's rhythm. Ben grasped Ray's cock as his
thrusts pushed Ray's body forward. Ray's hands closed over his. 

He felt the contractions of Ray's body even before Ray cried out, his cock
began pumping wildly into the hot depths. Ray was climaxing with him, the
way he always wanted it to be. 

* 

It was like coming back from a long journey. The feel of Ben's body inside
him was the only thing that tied him to reality, and as he felt it loosen
and slide free, he was flooded with regret. For that brief time he'd felt
safe, secure in Ben's love for him... but soon he realised that he hadn't
lost that feeling, it was still there, just not as strong. He turned in
Ben's arms and met the anxious, loving look with a tired smile. He could
tell that Ben felt it too, that sense of connection, but that, he now
realised, was what Ben had intended all along. 

"Did I hurt you, Ray?" Ben's soft whisper was full of tenderness, healing
some of the hurt places inside him. 

He shook his head, though it wasn't entirely true, he could feel the first
twinges of what would probably be a considerable discomfort when the
afterglow of their love-making faded. But what mattered was that feeling
of security they'd established between them. A feeling that had been
entirely lacking in his life these last few days. It gave him the strength
he needed to tell Ben what had happened the night he'd told his family
they were lovers. 

* 

They didn't sleep much that night. There was too much to talk about, too
much need to comfort and be comforted. Ben had kept Fraser in the bed with
them after his early morning feed, knowing that neither of them would
sleep now, and held both the baby and Ray in his arms. He was still
shocked beyond belief at Mrs Vecchio's ultimatum. He'd even tried to
convince Ray to leave, though it would have broken his heart if Ray had
done so. 

But it seemed that Ray had already made his choice, and, however much
suffering it might cause him, he was not going to go back on his decision.
Ben stroked Ray's back gently, in much the same way he did with Fraser.
Perhaps his thought communicated itself somehow... a moment later Ray
lifted his head. They exchanged a long stare, then Ray spoke quietly. 

"Benny... you and Fraser... you're all the family I have now..." 

Ben tightened his arms, the simple statement moved him deeply. For two
years he'd been alone, the last of his family, now he had a son, and Ray.
It was more than he'd ever dared to hope for. 

* 

Ben hesitated outside the doors of the Bullpen. It was the first time he'd
been there since Victoria had come back into his life. He'd been avoiding
it for a number of reasons, but now he was more concerned about Ray than
about how he'd be received. He glanced down at Fraser in the carrier. He
was awake, quietly observing the scenery. Ben took a deep breath and
pushed the doors open. 

By the time he was halfway to Ray's desk, he'd been surrounded by every
woman in the room, all exclaiming over Fraser. Fraser didn't seem to mind,
even when Elaine lifted him out of the carrier and held him in her arms.
He wasn't there long. Ray sauntered over and detached him from Elaine,
holding him up at face height. 

"Hey, Fraser! How's my man?" 

Fraser gurgled delightedly and for once Ben found himself on the outskirts
of a group of admiring females while Ray was in the centre. It was a
relief, of course. Still it was a little disconcerting too. He felt a
light touch on his arm and turned. It was Lt Welsh. 

"A word with you, Constable." 

* 

Welsh didn't like doing this, it wasn't any part of his job to nose around
in his officers' private lives, but he was worried about Vecchio's
attitude lately. So when he'd seen Fraser in the Bullpen, he'd taken the
opportunity he'd been offered. Once they were in his office, Welsh came
straight to the point. 

"Vecchio's requested that you be listed as his next of kin on his
personnel files. He's also named you as his beneficiary." 

"Oh." Fraser was obviously trying to find something non-committal to say.
"I wasn't aware of that, sir." 

"Do you know why he's done it, Constable?" 

"We haven't discussed it, sir. Anything I said would only be conjecture.
Have you asked Ray?" 

"He told me to mind my own business." His voice was sour. Fraser kept
tactfully silent. "Strictly speaking, he's got every right to tell me to
butt out... but I've been concerned about him lately. If there's something
going on that's affecting his ability to perform his duties, I want to
know about it. I don't want him getting himself killed out there." 

"Would you like me to talk to him, sir?" 

Welsh looked at him measuringly. "I don't think so, Constable." He went
over to the door and pulled it open. "Vecchio! Get in here." 

Vecchio handed the baby over to Elaine and came into his office. The two
men looked at each other fleetingly, something was going on, no doubt
about that. 

"I want to know what's going on. Your mind's not on your work, Vecchio and
that's dangerous." 

"With all due respect, sir..." 

"Just spill it, Vecchio. You're not leaving this office till I have an
answer." 

Vecchio looked mutinous, folded his arms across his chest. He looked like
he was ready to stay all day and all night too if necessary. 

"Constable, you're involved in this too. What's happening?" 

Vecchio's voice cut across Fraser's hesitant denial. "Leave him out of
it!" 

He could have cut the tension with a knife. Fraser and Vecchio exchanged
glances. "Ray... I think you should..." 

Vecchio glared at them both. "The two of us are screwing around, OK? My
family don't like it, they told me to get lost. That what you want to
know?" 

He turned and stalked out of the office, leaving behind a stunned silence.
Fraser cast an apologetic glance in Welsh's direction and went after him. 

* 

"Ray!" He caught up to Ray at the door. 

"What!" 

He caught Ray's arm. "I know you're upset, but was it really necessary to
be so..." His voice trailed off at Ray's angry look. 

"So... what? So rude? God forbid I should be rude! What did you tell him?"


People were staring at them, he tried to guide Ray out into the hallway,
but Ray wouldn't budge. 

"I didn't tell him anything, Ray. It's not hard to see that something's
bothering you. And he wanted to know why you'd made me your next of kin." 

The anger seemed to drain out of Ray and he slumped against the door
frame. "I'm sorry, Benny. It's not your fault.. I just lost it." 

He put a hand on Ray's shoulder, the most he dared do, here. "We'll get
through this, Ray. Together." 

"Yeah." Ray sounded tired, defeated. He looked over Ben's shoulder.
"They're all gonna find out, aren't they?" 

"Sooner or later. Does that bother you?" 

Ray shrugged. "I'm not ashamed of how I feel about you, Benny, but I know
what'll happen when people find out about us. It ain't gonna be pleasant."


* 

Ray's words haunted him. He wasn't worried about what would happen at the
Consulate when they found out. Meg would understand, he thought, though
she wouldn't like it. His job wouldn't be affected at all. And he didn't
have any family to be upset. Neither did Ray now. He pushed that thought
away, there was nothing he could do... he'd seriously considered going to
see Mrs Vecchio, but Ray was still so fragile, and he was afraid to do
anything to upset his precarious balance. 

He wondered what had prompted Ray's decision, whether it had been purely
motivated by concern for him and Fraser or had been some kind of defiant
gesture. It made sense, though. Ray was already his next of kin, had been
for nearly a year, but Fraser... He'd have to discuss it with Ray first. 

He found it incredibly difficult to bring the subject up. In fact he found
it impossible at first, until finally Ray asked him what was bothering
him, though not quite in those words... 

"So who pissed on your Wheaties this morning?" 

He stared, stunned at the crudeness of it. But it was an opening and he
took it. "I wanted to talk to you about Fraser." 

Ray looked alarmed. "Is something wrong?" 

"No, not at all. I was just concerned... You're already my next of kin,
but I'm not sure what the legal position would be if anything happened to
me." 

"Oh. So?" Ray was looking at him strangely, he couldn't interpret the
mixture of emotions on the expressive face he loved so much. 

"So... I was wondering if I could make you his legal guardian, in the
event of my death." 

It wasn't what Ray had wanted to hear, he could tell that immediately.
Ray's face went quite blank and then, deliberately casual... "Sure, it
makes sense. Don't want the little fella going to an orphanage or a foster
home." 

This wasn't going the way he'd thought it would, and he didn't know what
he'd done. But he'd done something. A panicky feeling was growing in his
gut, not an unfamiliar feeling these days. Sometimes it seemed to him that
everything he said was wrong, hurting Ray or making him angry. And he
never knew why. "Did I say something wrong, Ray?" 

Ray looked at him, his face guarded now. "I dunno. Did you? You work it
out." 

* 

He never did find out what he'd done, though God knew he tried. Ray simply
refused to discuss it saying that if he didn't know, there wasn't anything
to be said about it. 

They went to a lawyer and had the papers drawn up, giving Ray full
guardianship in the event of Ben's death. And Ben told his superior
officer about his relationship with Ray. 

She took it calmly, on the outside at least, though he couldn't help
wondering. If Victoria hadn't come back, he might eventually have become
her lover. But that was over now, and he had no regrets. He loved Ray with
a passion that still had the power to surprise him. And Ray had given up
everything for him. 

* 

It was obvious there was something bothering Ray, but he wasn't saying
much about work, and he'd discouraged Ben from going there as much as he
possibly could. In spite of that, Ben decided it was time he found out
what was going on. 

He waited for Elaine in the hallway, he'd left Fraser at the Consulate
being baby-sat by Ovitz, not without some misgiving on his part, but it
was necessary. She came past eventually, her head down, leafing through
some files. He cleared his throat as she came close and she jumped, then
smiled. "Oh, hi, Frase..." 

He smiled back at her. "You'd better call me Ben. Otherwise it could get
very confusing." 

"OK... Ben." 

"May I have a word with you please, Elaine?" 

"Sure." She smiled again, a little warily. 

He noted this with some dismay and indicated the only place it was
possible to use for a private conversation. The closet. Elaine blushed. 

Once inside, he came straight to the point. "I would appreciate it if you
could give me some information." 

"What do you want to know, Ben?" 

He took a deep breath. "Has anything been said about Ray and myself? Of a
personal nature, that is." 

She didn't speak immediately, and he knew what the answer would be. "It's
true then?" 

"Yes. I'm sorry." He knew very well how she felt about him, even though
they both knew nothing would ever have happened between them... and she
was a good friend. 

She sighed. "Well, you know what they say..." 

"I'm afraid I don't." 

He could hear the smile in her voice. "All the good men are married or
gay." 

"Oh!" It was strange to think of himself as gay, but he supposed it was
accurate enough. It wasn't anything he would like to mention to Ray
though. "Is anything being said to Ray?" 

"No, more like behind his back." 

Oh dear. "Is it very bad, Elaine?" 

"Well... some of it. His friends are standing up for him, but they all
know he's living with you, and that he doesn't see his family anymore." 

"And Ray?" 

"He's like a bear with a sore head. Very grouchy, keeps to himself." 

"He's the same at home." He hadn't meant to say that, and regretted it
immediately. But he saw Elaine lean forward in the dimness of the closet
and lay her hand on his arm. 

"It's tough for him. He's not the kind to make things easy for himself
either. You know." 

He did. Ray was brooding over every slight, imagined or real and it was
driving them both crazy. He needed to be able to do something, but for the
life of him, he couldn't think of a single thing. 

"I'd better go. Ray doesn't want me to come here. I don't want him to see
me." 

Unfortunately, Ray was walking past as they came out of the closet. He
stopped dead at the sight of them. 

"Oh. Hello, Ray... I was just, um, talking with Elaine." 

"In the closet." 

"Ah... yes..." 

"Great. I'll see ya later." He walked off. 

Ben stared after him unhappily. "Oh, dear." 

Elaine smiled. "Don't worry, I'll talk to him." 

"You won't tell him, uh..." 

"I'll be the soul of discretion, trust me." She reached up to kiss his
cheek, just as Ray reached the door and glanced back at them. 

* 

Ben was expecting trouble when he got home and he got it. Ray was cooking
dinner and barely acknowledged him when he came in. He laid Fraser in his
crib and went over to the kitchen area. Ray continued to chop vegetables,
ignoring him. He hated this tension between them, and there had been far
too much of it lately. He hated the helpless feeling he always got when
Ray withdrew behind a sullen mask, shutting him out. 

"Ray? Do you want to discuss this?" 

"No, I don't want to discuss this! What's the point? You know I don't want
you coming around to the Precinct, but you came anyway. So tell me, Benny,
what's the point in discussing anything with you?" 

"Ray, I went to the Precinct because I was... concerned about you. You
haven't been very happy lately and you wouldn't talk to me about it. I
thought it might be something at work." It was all coming out wrong. He
knew he was no good at dealing with these kind of confrontations,
something inside him seemed to shrivel every time Ray got angry with him
and he could never just say what he felt. He loved Ray so much, but he
never seemed to be able to put that love into words. He could see Ray's
shoulders tighten. His words had only made things worse. 

"Sure, and I suppose you thought that turning up like that would make
everything OK. Well, it didn't! Geez, Benny, you don't have to fix
everything! I'm a big boy now, I can damn well look after myself!" 

"I'm sorry, Ray. I was only trying to help you..." 

"Well don't!" Ray turned, brandishing the chopping knife in Ben's face.
"And what the hell were you doing in the closet with Elaine, anyway?" 

It was an effort to speak calmly with the knife only inches from his face.
"Put the knife down, Ray. Please." 

Ray looked at the knife in his hand as though he had no idea how it had
got there. Maybe he didn't. He put it on the kitchen counter. "Well?" 

"Well what, Ray?" 

"Why were you in the closet with Elaine?" 

"I wanted to talk with her privately..." He hesitated, looking guilty,
knowing Ray wouldn't like it if he knew he was discussing their
relationship with Elaine. 

Ray turned back to the bench, hunching his shoulder, obviously not
mollified in the slightest. "Don't lie to me Benny. You're no good at it.
If you're gonna cheat on me, just tell me." 

"Cheat... Ray, surely you don't believe..." Ben trailed to a halt, too
shocked to continue. 

"Why not? Did you ever sleep with a man before me? Maybe you're just tired
of it. Maybe I can't give you what you want. Why shouldn't you want to
sleep with a woman?" 

"Is that what you want?" He wondered, sickeningly, if Ray was talking
about his own feelings. 

Ray turned on him furiously. "This isn't about me! Don't you be trying to
put this onto me, Benny. I wasn't in the closet with Elaine." 

"Ray, you can't possibly believe that I'm having an affair with Elaine.
You know I've never thought about her like that." Ben could hear the
desperation in his voice, he'd never thought that Ray would doubt him so
deeply. 

"I don't know Benny. How should I know?" 

"Because I love you." 

Ray grabbed him by the arms. "Do you? Do you love me?" His fingers
tightened painfully. "As much as Victoria?" 

He gasped, feeling as though he'd been punched in the gut, and Ray
released him. They both looked away unable to meet the other's eyes. The
only sound he could hear was his own ragged breathing. He stumbled away
from Ray towards the window. The same window where he'd stood and waited
for Victoria the night he'd realised that she'd betrayed him. 

"You still love her." Ray's voice, flat and hard, startled him. 

"No." 

"God, Benny, just look at you. I only have to say her name and you fall
apart. You still love the bitch. You always will." 

"No!" 

For a moment the apartment was different, darker, colder... for three
incredible days and nights this apartment had been their haven... they had
made love in that bed... the same bed that he and Ray made love in now. He
was shaking, his arms wrapped tightly about his body, holding the pain in.
He couldn't look at Ray, instead he turned away and went to sit on the
edge of the bed, dropping his head into his hands. 

"If Meg hadn't shot her, you would have gone with her, wouldn't you?" The
anger had gone from Ray's voice, leaving only pain. 

"No. I had no intention of going with her. It was over. She just wouldn't
believe it." 

"She wasn't the only one who didn't believe it, Benny. None of us believed
it. And then Meg shot her and you went to pieces." 

He had no answer for that. 

"Damn it, Benny, I nursed you for nearly a month. I washed you, fed you,
even wiped your ass for you. You wanted to die too. The only thing that
stopped you was Fraser. Not me. You didn't care enough about me to want to
go on living, did you?" 

"It wasn't like that... you don't understand..." And he didn't know how to
explain what had been in his mind during that nightmarish time. Wasn't
even entirely sure himself of that... 

"Damn right I don't. But I understand one thing. If I died, you wouldn't
act like that, would you?" 

It was beginning to make sense to him now... Ray was jealous of
Victoria... and why shouldn't he be? He'd been willing to leave everything
that mattered to him to go with Victoria, including Ray. And Ray must be
wondering how he could possibly compete with a dead woman. Would Ray ever
believe him if he told him there was no need, that there never had been?
He dropped his hands but didn't look up, though he could tell Ray had come
over and was standing just a few feet away. 

"I wouldn't have that luxury now, Ray..." 

"Because of Fraser." 

"Yes... But you're right. And wrong too..." He heard Ray's sharp intake of
breath, sensed his movement, stifled immediately. He carried on, hearing a
strange kind of desperation in his voice, his fear of losing Ray
overriding every self-protective instinct. 

"It wasn't love, Ray. I thought it was, perhaps Victoria did too, but it
wasn't love... Obsession, maybe, I don't know... I only know that the
night you shot me, when I saw her leaving on that train... I just couldn't
bear the thought of going through all that pain again. I couldn't bear to
lose her because I thought she was the only woman I would ever love. And
when she came back... I didn't want her, Ray, but... I didn't know how to
let go of her, either. She said once, about Jolly, that the only way to
end their relationship was with one of them dead. I think that was true
about us as well." 

Ray hadn't made a sound. He glanced up and saw so much pain on the drawn
face that he had to look away again before he could continue. 

"If you died... or if I lost you somehow... I wouldn't try to die. Even if
Fraser weren't here, I wouldn't. I'd carry on living, Ray, but something
inside of me would be lost. Something I didn't know existed until I met
you. And I don't think I'd ever recover it again, because nobody I've ever
met has made me feel the way I do when I'm with you." 

Still Ray said nothing. He made himself look up and saw Ray standing
there, his jaw hanging open and with an expression of such longing on his
face that it took his breath away. He stood and went over to him. Ray made
a small hurt sound as he gathered him into his arms. 

"You make me feel whole, Ray. You make me feel like it matters that I'm
alive. Never, ever doubt that I love you. Never." 

* 

"Benny?" 

"Mmmh hmm?" 

"Maybe we could get a bigger bed..." 

* 

Ray knew the moment he came into the Bullpen. It was Ben's day off and
they'd arranged to go shopping for a bed in Ray's lunch break. He took a
quick glance and saw Ben talking to Elaine and that new civilian aid,
whose name he couldn't remember. 

He grinned to himself, she had the same look on her face that every woman
got the first time she met Ben. It wouldn't last, he was sure. Every time
he went near her she started to look like a rabbit caught in the
headlights and found an excuse to get away as fast as possible... she must
have heard the talk. Soon enough she'd know about Ben too. He didn't care
about that anymore, let them talk, he had Benny and that was all that
mattered. 

Ben was coming over to his desk now and he paused in his work to admire
the view. Jeans, that blue long-sleeved T-shirt the same colour as his
eyes and a leather jacket. It didn't get much better than that. Not while
he had clothes on, at least. 

"Hey Benny. Where's Fraser?" 

Ben sat beside the desk. "Mrs Gamez offered to look after him. I thought
it would make shopping easier." 

"Great. I'll be ready in a minute." He put his hand over Ben's where it
lay on his desk while he finished reading the file he'd typed so
laboriously. 

A couple of minutes later he was done. He got up, pulled on his jacket and
steered Ben to the door with an arm thrown casually across his shoulder.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw that new girl... Shelley, he
remembered suddenly with a touch of triumph... staring at them, her mouth
hanging open. 

* 

Ray snored softly. 

When the shop assistant had offered to have the bed delivered within the
hour, Ray had wanted to buy the bed linen immediately so they could sleep
in it that night. While Ben had agreed in principle that new sheets would
be necessary, for the ones he had were far too small for the new bed, he'd
been shocked at the prices Ray was prepared to pay. Surely they could get
plain white sheets from a department store at less than half the price.
And Ray had insisted on getting a top of the line goosedown duvet as well.


He had to admit the effect was nice though. Ray had, after intense
consultation with yet another shop assistant, chosen an elegant design in
rich dark tones, with matching sheets and pillow slips. Ben had been aware
of the covert attention directed towards the sight of two men choosing bed
linen together. He'd never thought of buying sheets as an intimate
experience before. It hadn't bothered him, at least not much, and Ray had
been enjoying himself. 

Then Ray had decided to drop the purchases off at the apartment before
heading back to work. By then the bed had arrived... the rest was
inevitable. 

He hadn't really felt the need for a new bed, but Ray had obviously
thought it important, another one of those social rituals that he hadn't
known about. He noted that they were tangled together taking up no more
space than they had occupied in the old bed. Still, it was nice to be able
to make love without worrying about falling out of bed altogether. The
last time he'd done that, he'd bruised his left buttock quite painfully. 

Ray stirred in his sleep and Ben, his head in the exact centre of Ray's
chest, rode the wave of his sigh, a smile on his face. 

* 

It was seven am when they woke, and for a moment Ray couldn't think what
was wrong. Then Ben flung himself out of the bed and over to Fraser's
crib. Fraser! He hadn't woken them during the night, the first time ever.
But when he reached the crib, Ben was looking down at the peacefully
sleeping baby. 

"He's fine, Ray. He just slept right through." 

Ray wrapped his arms around Ben, both their hearts were pounding and he
felt weak with relief. "So. No more two am feeds, huh?" 

"Looks like it, Ray. He'll be hungry when he wakes, though." 

Which wouldn't be long by the look of it. They separated, Ben to go to the
kitchen for the formula, Ray to start dressing. When he came back from the
bathroom Ben was sitting on the edge of the bed, still naked, feeding
Fraser. It made for a pretty sight. But a quick glance at his watch told
him they'd both be late if they didn't hurry, Fraser still needed to be
bathed, diapered and dressed. And though Ben would look wonderful standing
sentry duty naked he couldn't see Meg approving of that, he thought
regretfully. 

"I'll give Fraser his bath, you'd better get dressed, Benny." 

"Then you'll be late, Ray. I'll take care of it. You go to work." 

Ray groaned internally, not that again. His nerves were still jangling
from the fright Fraser had given him, he really didn't need this. "Look,
Benny, if we hurry we'll only be a few minutes late. If we do it your way,
you'll be really late." 

Ben was busily burping Fraser. "You shouldn't have to be late at all, Ray.
He's not your responsibility." 

"Oh, for God's sake... give him here!" He took Fraser out of Ben's arms
and took him over to where the bathing things were set up. It didn't take
long, not when he skimped, and he soon had Fraser wrapped in a towel ready
to be dried and dressed. He was still alternately muttering under his
breath and making faces for Fraser when Ben came over and took control
again. 

"I'll finish this, why don't you just go? You should be able to get to the
Precinct in time." 

"To hell with the Precinct, Benny! What's the matter with you?" 

"Nothing's wrong, Ray. I just don't see why you should have to be put out
because of Fraser." 

Ray stared at him incredulously. Still shaken, his temper came suddenly to
boiling point. "No. You don't see, do you? You don't see much of anything.
Well, screw you." 

He walked out of the apartment without bothering to pick up his jacket or
his keys. 

* 

It was nearly five minutes before Ben finished getting Fraser dressed and
ready to go outdoors, then he took off after Ray. Dief trotted along just
ahead, leading the way to the park. Ray was sitting on a bench not far
from the entrance, his elbows on his knees, staring down at his clasped
hands. He didn't look up as Ben sat beside him. 

Ben sensed that Ray needed time, so he sat in silence, half turned towards
him, Fraser on his lap. He could see the tension in Ray's body, the
brooding sadness in his face and had to quell his immediate instinct to
comfort him. If he did that he might never find out what the problem was.
Finally Ray sighed and turned his head to look at him. 

"You're always shutting me out, Benny. I hate it when you do that." 

Ben was startled, he hadn't been aware of doing it. "I'm sorry, Ray. I
know I'm not good at expressing myself, but..." 

"It's not that..." Ray straightened and lifted Fraser onto his own lap.
"It's the way you shut me out with Fraser." 

"Ray, I don't. I know how much you love him." 

"Do you, Benny? He's as important to me as you are, did you know that?" 

He hadn't. He could see Ray register that fact, then his head was bowed
over Fraser's. "How do you think it feels when you tell me not to do
something for him because he's your responsibility?" 

"I just don't want to take advantage of you... take you for granted." 

"It's not like that, Benny. Not with family." 

He thought suddenly that he understood . Family was so important to Ray,
and it was a concept he could barely grasp, certainly not in any sense
that Ray would be familiar with. Ray had tried to tell him once, he
realised, but he hadn't recognised the significance of it, now he was
beginning to. 

"I'm sorry, Ray. I didn't think... my family was very different from
yours." He remembered going to his grandparents to live, he'd felt like an
intruder in their lives and had quickly learnt to do as much as possible
for himself so he didn't have to keep feeling that way. It hadn't been
their fault. They hadn't asked to be saddled with a motherless child at
their age, but they'd done the best they could for him. All his life it
had been a point of honour and pride for him not to need anybody's help,
at least not for the basics of daily living. He tried, stumblingly, to
explain, but it was so ingrained in him that he hadn't even thought about
it in years. 

"Benny..." Ray leaned forward to place a hand gently over his mouth. "I
get it, OK? But you don't have to be like that with me." 

"Understood, Ray." He managed a smile. It occurred to him that a lot of
the tensions in their relationship had been about this, he just hadn't
realised at the time. And he hadn't realised how Ray felt about Fraser.
That was unforgivable. 

"So, we're partners, Benny? At home as well as at work? We share
responsibility, for Fraser and everything else?" 

"Of course, Ray." He wanted, quite desperately, to kiss Ray and hold him
in his arms, but he couldn't, not here in a public park where anybody
might see them. He watched as Ray lifted Fraser and stood. 

"We better get going, Benny." 

* 

Ben hadn't been able to stop thinking about what had happened this
morning. Luckily, he was standing guard duty today and had plenty of time
to consider the situation. It really wasn't very hard to decide what he
needed to do, but his instinct to be completely self sufficient wasn't so
easy to overcome and a part of him fought against his decision all day. 

Ray noticed his nervousness at once, of course, but he managed to deflect
the questions until they got back to the apartment. This was one
conversation he wanted to be sure was private. 

As soon as they got through the door Ray turned to him. "OK Benny, you
want to tell me what's eating you now? Is it something to do with this
morning? I thought we'd got that sorted out." 

"Oh, we have... I'll just get Fraser settled first, if you don't mind.
Then we can talk." 

"Sure, whatever..." Ray was showing signs of retreating behind that facade
of indifference again. The one he always put on when something important
was bothering him. Strange how he could be so vocal about minor annoyances
and so quiet when he was really hurting. Ben got Fraser settled in the
shade, on the floor where it was cooler, and left Dief on guard. 

The heat of summer had finally arrived and Chicago was sweltering, Ray had
already pulled off his jacket and shirt and was standing by the window
trying to catch a stray puff of air. Ben stripped off the red tunic and
hung it carefully in the closet before going over and putting his hands on
Ray's shoulders and kissing him on the back of his neck. 

Ray softened immediately, but there was still a slight edge to his voice
when he spoke. "What's going on, Benny? Do we have to go through all that
again?" 

"No, Ray... but there is something I wanted to discuss with you, and it is
related to our talk this morning." He was more nervous than ever now,
afraid that he'd do something wrong and Ray would be hurt. 

Ray sighed and turned. "Well, you'd better tell me." 

"It's about you being Fraser's guardian." He paused but Ray waited in
silence to hear the rest. "I don't think it's right..." He saw Ray's eyes
widen and heard his sharp intake of breath. He cursed himself silently,
realising he'd messed it up and done exactly what he'd most feared. "No!
Ray, please listen... I'm doing this badly, it's not what you think..." He
forced himself to take a deep breath and start again. "It's not enough for
you just to be Fraser's guardian... you're much more than that. If you
don't want to do it, I'll understand. But I think you should adopt
Fraser." 

For a moment Ray didn't react at all and Ben simply waited, his heart
pounding, for Ray's response. Ray closed his eyes and swayed slightly. He
caught Ray by the shoulders again, then as Ray steadied, slid his hands up
to his face. Ray's eyes flickered open again, staring at him speechlessly.
Ben kissed him, hard and fast, then pulled him into his arms. 

"You've wanted this all along, haven't you Ray?" 

Still unable to speak, Ray nodded against his shoulder. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" 

Ray sighed and shifted his head to look at Ben. "It had to come from you,
Benny. You had to want it as much as I did or it would never have worked.
You know, there's going to be things I'll want for my son..." He smiled at
the sound of that. "...you might not like all of them, Benny. Are you
really sure about this?" 

"I'm prepared for that, Ray. But I don't mind him being brought up
Catholic." He smiled at Ray's look of surprise. "It wasn't very hard to
guess you'd want that, Ray." 

"I guess not..." 

Ray was still very quiet, and Ben studied him carefully. "Ray? Is
everything all right?" 

"I was just thinking... when Ange and I were still married, we thought she
was pregnant once. Ma was so happy that I was finally giving her a
grandson... the first kid had to be a boy as far as she was concerned..." 

It made his heart ache to hear the sadness in Ray's voice. "We could tell
her, Ray. Perhaps she just needed some time to get used to the idea of us
being together." 

"No, Benny. You can't put this one right, just leave it." 

Ben tightened his arms around Ray and kissed him again. He didn't know
what he could say that would help and he hated to watch Ray hurting. The
best he could hope to do was to distract him. "Would you like to
celebrate, Ray? I could ask Mrs Gamez to look after Fraser, we could go
out for dinner." 

"Or we could stay in and celebrate." Ray's voice trailed off suggestively.


* 

Whistling wasn't one of Ray's strong points, but today he felt like it.
Not even the half overheard reference to queers in the Men's Room could
spoil his happiness. Today he and Ben were meeting the lawyer to sign the
final adoption papers and Fraser would officially be his son. He didn't
need the legal papers to tell him how he felt, but there was no denying it
was an important step they were taking. 

When Ben came in he almost burst with pride. Although Ben had been dressed
in his brown uniform when they left for work, he was now wearing the red
serge. And Fraser, he noticed, was wearing a new outfit, very smart...
Even Dief was looking remarkable spruced up. He stayed at his desk because
if he'd gone to meet them he would certainly have disgraced himself in
front of everyone. 

They were waylaid by Elaine and as usual she picked Fraser up and cuddled
him while she talked with Ben. He'd always known that there was nothing
between Ben and Elaine, even when he'd accused Ben of having an affair
with her. Now, he felt secure enough that he didn't need to torture
himself with that kind of stupidity, and Elaine was one of the few who had
never turned away when his relationship with Ben became common knowledge.
If anything she'd become a closer friend than before. 

He heard her shriek and then she threw her free arm around Ben's neck and
kissed him on the cheek, causing him to blush madly and drawing the
attention of the whole room. He guessed that Ben had told her about the
adoption. He hadn't told anybody, superstitiously preferring to wait until
after it was done. He was going to get hell from Elaine over that... 

She was coming toward him now, with Ben following helplessly behind. He
had to admit she was smart, she put Fraser into his arms so that he
couldn't fend off her kiss. 

"It's wonderful news, Ray! Now tell me why I had to hear it from Ben,
before I kill you." 

"Hey! I was planning on telling you... afterwards, when it's official.
Besides, I didn't want it spoiled by some creep telling me a couple of
fairies shouldn't be allowed to bring up a kid." 

Elaine nodded her understanding, but behind her Ben frowned. "Has someone
said that to you, Ray?" 

"Not in so many words, but there's plenty of them who'll think it." He
caught sight of Shelley across the room. "Like her... Haven't you noticed
the way she avoids us?" 

"She just seemed rather busy, I thought." 

He scowled. "Wrong. The other day when you were here? I caught her looking
at us, she looked like she was turning green. I don't know what she
thought we were gonna do... maybe have sex on the desk or something..." 

Ben was blushing again, and Elaine was laughing. His bad mood evaporated.
Today was just too special to be spoiled by that kind of small-mindedness.


* 

It was very late and the apartment was in darkness. Ray eased himself in
the door, saw Dief lift his head briefly and then go back to sleep. He
slipped off his shoes and socks, enjoying the coolness of the floor under
his bare feet, and padded over to the bed. 

There was more than enough light coming in from the street to see. Ben was
asleep of course, the covers thrown back from his sprawled body. Ray stood
by the bed making the most of the view as he undressed, but he hadn't got
very far when Ben woke. 

"Hey, Benny." He sat on the edge of the bed and it was then that he caught
the faint, familiar scent. Ben was looking embarrassed, refusing to meet
his eyes. Ray grinned delightedly, Benny had been a naughty boy, had he?
He leaned down to kiss him. "So, what have you been doing Benny?" 

He thought that Ben blushed though it was hard to tell, the light wasn't
that good. He took pity on his lover. "Couldn't sleep, huh?" 

"No... Ray, you don't mind?" 

Ray grinned again. "Why should I?" He kissed Ben again. "Wish I'd been
here to watch though..." He murmured the words in Ben's ear, then sat back
to see his reaction. 

Ben's eyes widened and then became thoughtful. "You're here now, Ray." 

Ray choked on a spurt of laughter, this was the last thing he would have
expected from Ben. But then nothing about his lover was predictable. He
kissed him once more, slowly this time, drawing it out. "So, what do you
do, Benny? Do you think about me? Or Tom Cruise?" 

"You, of course." Ben sounded offended. 

Ray grinned. "You're so faithful, Benny... and then?" 

Ben hesitated. "...I usually have my eyes closed, Ray." 

"OK." 

Ben closed his eyes. "I think about us kissing..." He frowned a little and
then relaxed. His fingers brushed lightly against his lips. Ray swallowed,
the gesture looked so sensual he was already becoming aroused. Ben
continued to brush the tips of his fingers over his face and lips,
lingering sometimes, then sliding down his throat. 

"What are you thinking about now, Benny?" Ray's voice was hoarse, he
swallowed again, amused at his own reactions. 

"About the way your lips feel... warm, moist... firm with just a touch of
softness... the way you nibble with your teeth... so gently I can hardly
feel it..." He sighed and drew his fingers down to his nipple, stroking
and squeezing it. He frowned again. "Too dry..." 

Ray reached over and brought Ben's hand up to his mouth, licking the
fingers and then replacing them on Ben's chest. "Better?" 

"Mmm, yes." Ben smiled faintly, his fingers sliding easily across the hard
tip, teasing a shiver out of himself. Ray bit back a groan and glanced
down Ben's body to where his cock was stirring sluggishly. 

"What am I doing now, Benny?" 

"You're sucking my nipple... harder... oh, please... and touching me...
here..." His other hand moved over his abdomen, just below the breast
bone, palm flat. Ray could hear the faint whisper of skin against skin. He
wanted very badly to touch that smooth flesh, but that would have spoiled
what Ben was doing for him. 

"Ohhh... ohh, yes..." Ben's hand was moving downwards again. He drew in
his breath sharply as the muscles of his stomach contracted. His hand
continued down to his hip, resting gently on the prominence of the bone
while the thumb brushed lightly across the flatness of his belly. Ray
moaned softly, imagining the feel of that silky skin under his hand. 

"Kiss me, Ray..." It was hardly more than a sigh. Ben's eyes opened
briefly, staring up at him. Ray moved, then hesitated, but Ben nodded
slightly, offering his mouth as his eyes flickered closed again. Ray bent
over and placed his mouth over Ben's parted lips. 

He lost himself in the soft moistness, the sweet suck and press of their
joined lips, the slow exploration of that generous mouth, the slippery
caress of his tongue against Ben's. Ben moaned and it seemed to him that
he could feel the vibration of it all through his body. Heat flared,
golden in the darkness behind his eyelids and he realised that his eyes
were closed too. 

The urge to look again grew too strong to be resisted, and Ray withdrew
reluctantly from the kiss, his heart pounding. Ben's hand was slowly
caressing the inside of his raised thigh, not quite reaching his groin
before reversing direction. 

"Ohh, Ray ..." Ben's hand finally slid up to cradle his balls and Ray felt
his own tighten in sympathy with the touch. His cock was aching fiercely
and he wondered if it was against the rules for him to join in. He decided
he didn't care about the rules and began to pull off his clothes with
trembling hands. 

When he looked up again, Ben was watching him. He slid his pants and
briefs down off his hips and let them slide to the floor, kicking them
away. Ben had both his hands at his groin now, one massaging his balls,
the other moving smoothly along the shaft of his cock. Ray's own cock was
quivering with tension, seeming to reach up towards his hand as he
hesitated. But Ben smiled at him, a sweet, open smile, inviting him to
continue. 

He began to mirror Ben's movements, imagining it was Ben's cock and balls
in his hands, Ben's hands touching him. Soon though, he saw the tell-tale
tremors in Ben's body, the faint frown as he fought for control. Ray slid
onto the bed taking Ben into his arms and kissed him on the corner of his
mouth. "It's OK, Benny, just let go..." and held him as the waves of his
orgasm crashed over him. 

The simple beauty of it was stunning. For long moments he just held his
lover, whispering endearments, his own arousal forgotten. Then Ben turned
his head to look at him and the heavy gaze reawakened every sensation. He
needed completion, badly. 

He swung his body up and over Ben's, straddling his thighs. A brief pause
to check with Ben and then he pressed his hips forward, driving his cock
along the softening length below him. But after a moment Ben caught him by
the hips and guided him downwards between his legs. He stopped dead then,
wanting to be sure of what Ben was telling him. Ben simply raised his
thighs, parting them still further. 

A moan slid free of his lips and he bent his head to kiss the still
heaving belly. The taste of sweat and semen gave him an idea and he slid
his fingers through the sticky mess and applied it to his cock. There was,
quite simply, no time to be lost... he pressed against the opening to his
lover's body and slid smoothly inside. 

He nearly lost it then, but somehow gathered the control to push himself
to his full depth and stay there unmoving, until the urge to thrust
mindlessly, violently, into that burning heat subsided. Ben's legs closed
tightly around him and he let himself fall into the waiting arms as though
they were a refuge from the madness. Gradually the wildness faded, but not
the need... he began to move, while Ben's hands guided him into an
insistent driving rhythm. He could feel every response of that beautiful
body beneath him, could see it in Ben's face as he touched him in the
depths of his body. It was that as much as the tightness, or the delicious
friction against the surface of his cock, that sent him over. 

They were lying in a tangled sweaty mass, so hot that even the warm night
air felt cool as it moved silkily against their bodies. They would have
been cooler if they'd separated, but they stayed, unmoving except for
their laboured breathing. Finally Ray found the strength from somewhere to
raise his head. 

"God, Benny... I was going to apologise for working so late..." 

There was a warm, rich chuckle that shook the chest he was lying on. "I
think you should work late more often Ray." A large, gentle hand slid down
his back and curved over his butt. 

"Are you kidding? It'd kill me... How about I finish early tomorrow and we
go to the park?" 

* 

When the air started to cool later in the evenings, they had got into the
habit of going for a walk in the park, with Fraser in his stroller,
enjoying the faint breeze which stirred the leaves and cooled them just a
little. Tonight the breeze was a little stronger than usual and they lay
down on the grass under the trees with Fraser stripped to his diaper and
undershirt on a rug between them. Dief had wandered off, probably in
search of food scraps, and Ray decided it was time to try once again to
convince Ben to move to a better neighbourhood. He wasn't getting very
far. 

"God, Benny! What is it with you? That apartment building's a health
hazard. Nothing works, it's rat infested and the neighbourhood stinks.
Literally." 

"But Ray, it's not as bad as you think. Dief's got rid of most of the
rats... and besides, the neighbours are all very friendly, and Mrs Gamez
is there to baby-sit Fraser. It's not easy to find a reliable
baby-sitter..." 

"There's Elaine. She's offered to look after him anytime." 

"Well, of course. But we can't always impose on her. And she may not
always be available." 

Ray sighed irritatedly. "Be honest Benny. You just don't want to move." 

"Well, no Ray. I don't." 

Ray sat up and flung his hands in the air. The light was starting to fade,
he noticed. Normally he wouldn't care, but with Fraser along, he was
inclined to be more cautious. 

"Let's go home. It's time junior here was in bed." 

But Ben didn't move. "Does it mean so much to you, Ray?" 

Ray hesitated. He didn't much like the apartment, but it held a lot of
special memories for him, and he knew Ben liked living there, among the
friends he'd made. Mostly he was concerned for Fraser, growing up in a
dangerous neighbourhood, but that wasn't an immediate problem. "I guess
it's OK, for now... but I don't want Fraser going to school around here.
It's not safe for kids, there's drugs and gangs everywhere. As long as you
agree to move away when he's older, I don't mind... much... Anyway, we're
going to need a bedroom for him before much longer. He'll start noticing
things." 

Ben looked puzzled for a moment, then blushed a little when Ray grinned
wickedly. "Oh. I hadn't thought about that." 

"Well think about it Benny." Ray grinned even wider then leaned forward
and kissed him. 

"Ray!" Ben looked around, but couldn't see anyone. The park seemed
completely deserted. They packed up the things they'd brought and set off,
Ben carrying Fraser, while Ray pushed the empty stroller. Dief was nowhere
in sight, but they knew he'd catch up. 

It was while they were on the path to the main gate that Ray realised they
were being followed. At first he was only aware of a presence off to their
right, but soon he realised there were others behind and to the left.
Still, a few kids didn't seem much of a threat... then he saw more of them
ahead, coming towards them down the pathway. 

"Benny..." He kept his voice low. 

"I know. We won't make it to the gate. I think we should head for the
passageway, there's only two of them in that direction." 

Ray didn't ask how he knew. He'd learnt to trust Ben's abilities in that
area. He picked up the stroller, it was light but he could use it as a
weapon. Fraser had started to cry, no doubt sensing their fear. They cut
across the grass towards the two youths and Ray swung the stroller at the
nearest kid, knocking him flying while Ben shouldered the other boy out of
the way, carefully protecting Fraser in his arms. Then they ran. 

"Get the faggots!" The kids following them broke into a run as well,
hurling abuse. Good, it would slow them down in this heat if they were
wasting their breath instead of saving it for running. 

They'd almost reached the passageway, and were drawing a little way ahead
when another small group came from behind some bushes. Ray knew they could
get past them, but it would cut their advantage to nothing. For the first
time, he felt really scared. If it had just been the two of them, they
could have fought even a group that size, but not with Fraser there. 

They both put on a spurt of speed, it would get them to the passageway
ahead of the new group, but then they'd have to slow down or be completely
winded. Just as they got there, Dief came flying out of nowhere to join
them. Ray began to feel a little better, maybe they had a chance now. 

* 

Ben was several metres into the passageway before he realised that Ray had
stopped. He turned and saw him outlined against the opening. Dief had
stopped between them. 

"Ray!" 

"Get Fraser outta here, Benny!" 

"You can't fight them all." 

"I can hold them off for a while... for God's sake go." 

He could see the gang gathering just outside the passageway, sure of
themselves now, stalking their prey. He couldn't leave Ray. But he
couldn't let Fraser be hurt, either. How could he choose between his lover
and his son? He saw Ray smile. 

"He's my son too, Benny... I've got the right to protect him. Get him
outta here." 

It was the hardest thing he'd ever done in his life, to turn and run down
the passageway. Dief was at his heels, but once they cleared the other
end, he stopped. There was no sign of any trouble. 

"Dief, go back. Help Ray." 

He could already hear the sounds of fighting echoing down the passageway.
He turned again and ran for the nearest hope of help, Fraser screaming
now, in his arms. 

He ran flat out, holding nothing back. He had to get help for Ray, but it
seemed an appallingly long time before he saw a couple of orange warden's
vests in the distance. By the time he got to them, he was badly winded. He
thrust the frantic baby into Mr Ruben's arms and managed to gasp out what
had happened. Then he turned and ran back the way he'd come, not even
waiting for them to radio for help. 

* 

It was too quiet when he got back to the passageway, he could barely hear
a thing above the sound of his own breathing, and the knot of people he
could see at the other end were not moving around enough for it to be a
real fight. He managed to put on one last spurt and cannoned into the
group, knocking several flying. He stumbled over something and turned. Ray
was lying at his feet, blood pooling under his head. 

The gang was regrouping. Two of them were hanging back, one of them
clutching his arm. It seemed that Ray had made quite an impact, there were
fewer of them here now, but still too many. They'd been kicking Ray while
he was down, he realised, and took a stand straddling the motionless body.
No time to check him, and no sign of Dief at all. 

They closed in around him and he soon found that he couldn't protect Ray
from them, there were just too many. The attack would come first from one
side then the other, and there was always someone free to sneak in a kick
at the prone figure. There was only one way he could protect Ray and he
took it, dropping down to cover him with his own body. He tried not to
think about what would happen to Fraser if they both died. 

There was a brief hiatus as the gang took in this new development and then
they closed around him. He tried to cover his head and Ray's with his
arms, but there was nothing he could do about the rest of his body. Within
seconds he was feeling numb from the blows, and was ready to give up hope.
Then he heard the siren, still very distant, but on its way. His attackers
heard it too. They got in a few more kicks and then fled. 

He levered himself off Ray's body and began checking for a pulse, fear
making him clumsy. He found one, faint and thready, just as the first
police car pulled up. 

"Call for an ambulance!" His voice was hoarse, he hardly recognised it
himself. 

The cop took one look at Ray's battered face and swore under his breath.
He signalled to his partner to make the call. A second car had joined
them, and its occupants spread out looking for the gang. 

The first cop knelt beside Ray. "You know this guy?" 

Ben nodded. He was afraid to move Ray so he took hold of his hand. It was
swollen, the knuckles cracked and bloody. He stroked the long slender
fingers. 

"What's his name? We'll have to notify his family." 

"I'm his next of kin." He caught the cop's look then, all too familiar...
"He's Det Ray Vecchio, 27th Precinct. You'd better let Lt Welsh know about
this." 

The cop's eyes widened, he'd heard of them obviously. Probably the whole
Chicago PD had. "You're the Mountie?" 

"Yes." 

"I'm sorry." 

He didn't respond, just felt again for Ray's pulse, that fragile
reassurance that he was still alive. In the distance he heard the sound of
the ambulance siren. 

* 

The paramedics were gathered around Ray, excluding him. He needed
something, anything, to do but couldn't think beyond his fear for Ray.
Then he remembered Dief. How could he have forgotten? The cop, standing
beside him, noticed his start. 

"My wolf. Has anyone seen him?" 

"Wolf?" 

The cop, his name still unknown, hadn't heard about that, then. But he was
willing to help with the search. They found Dief under a bush, he must
have crawled there. Or been kicked out of the way. Ben knelt beside him,
seeking a pulse, finding it when he was almost on the point of giving up.
He glanced back towards the ambulance, they were loading the gurney into
it. 

"I can get him to a vet for you." The cop had caught his look. 

He pulled out his wallet, there was a card in there with the vet's
address. He handed it over and then he remembered Fraser. It felt as
though his life was in pieces, he couldn't quite hold them together, each
part had to be dealt with as best he could manage when he remembered it. 

"Who's Fraser? The wolf?" By the sound of the officer's voice it wasn't
the first time he'd asked. 

"My... our son. The wardens have got him, they'll take him to the
community centre." It was becoming increasingly difficult to think. "Could
you call the Precinct, please? Ask for Elaine Besbriss, ask if she'll go
get him for me." 

"Sure." The cop headed back to the car and Ben followed with Dief in his
arms. They got him settled on the back seat and then Ben ran for the
ambulance. He got there just in time and pushed his way in past the
paramedic's objections without a hint of apology. Ray would be proud of
him. 

* 

At the hospital it was more of the same.. The not always polite disbelief
when he claimed next of kin status, the "I'm sorry, we can only discuss
this with his family" routine. He kept his temper, with an effort that
surprised him, and didn't back down. He followed the gurney into the
Emergency room and simply refused to budge. He watched as the damaged body
was stripped and prepped for surgery and tried not to remember making love
with that same body only last night. 

Finally a surgeon came over. "You'll have to leave now. I'm sorry." 

"How bad is it?" His voice was too calm. Shock, he supposed, and started
to list in his mind the measures that needed to be taken... hot drink,
blankets... He realised that the surgeon was talking. 

"...no serious damage to the kidneys, but the spleen is ruptured." He
hesitated, then went on. "You should know that he may not survive, and if
he does, there may be brain damage... We'll only know the extent of it
when he wakes..." 

He allowed himself to be ushered out by an orderly. Lt Welsh was in the
waiting room, he came over straight away, took hold of his arm and led him
to a seat. "What's happening?" 

"They're operating on him. He has a ruptured spleen, possible brain
damage, I'm not sure what else. They don't know if he'll live." 

Welsh was gone for a while, then he was back with two cups of coffee. Ben
found that his hands were shaking badly. He gulped the coffee. Amazingly
it was hot, burning his mouth, but the small pain helped him focus his
mind. 

"Can you identify your attackers?" 

"Oh, yes. They're all locals. I've given the investigating officers a
couple of names to start with." 

They sat in silence then, until Elaine arrived with Fraser. It was all he
could do not to snatch the baby from her. She passed him over and he held
the squirming unsettled infant in his arms, pressing his face against the
dark hair, turning away from Elaine and Welsh's silent understanding.
Gradually Fraser calmed and dropped into a light doze while Ben stroked
his back and Ben began to feel like he was capable of dealing with the
decisions that had to be made. 

He looked at Welsh, wondering what Ray would have wanted, but really,
there was no choice. "Sir, could you call the Vecchio family? If I try,
they'll hang up on me." 

"Of course. I'll do it right away." 

Elaine was staring at him. "After the way they've treated you, I'm
surprised you'd have anything to do with them." 

"I don't suppose I will have anything to do with them, but I have to let
them know about Ray. In case..." He couldn't finish that thought, even in
his mind. He didn't want Elaine there, nor anybody else. He wanted to be
alone with his thoughts, but there were other things that needed to be
done... 

"Elaine, could you possibly... I know you've already done a lot for us..."


"What is it Ben?" 

"I'm going to need some things for Fraser from the apartment. I'll be
staying here tonight." 

"OK. I've got a pretty good idea what you'll need. I'll be right back."
She smiled at him, and he flinched from the sympathy in her eyes. 

He paced up and down hoping that it would keep Fraser soothed and quiet,
but his arms and shoulders were aching and after a while he had to sit.
Welsh came back, but he didn't want to know what had happened. He'd done
what he could, and it was up to the Vecchios now. As soon as the ache in
his arms subsided he stood up and began to pace again. 

* 

Francesca Vecchio came racing down the hallway, still in jeans and a
T-shirt after a day at the beach. She'd been the only one home when Welsh
had called, Ma had gone with Maria, Tony and the kids to visit Tony's
family and wouldn't be back until late. 

Ray had been hospitalised before, but this time it sounded bad. Bad enough
that she didn't even consider her mother's decision not to have any
contact with her errant brother. She'd always had a turbulent relationship
with Ray... he'd bossed her around, she'd retaliated in the annoying ways
that only kid sisters can... but there'd always been a bond between them. 

Still, she should have realised that he would be there. He was the first
thing she saw... tall, dark-haired, dressed like her in jeans and T-shirt,
though his were filthy. He was pacing, his back turned to her. Benton
Fraser, the man she'd once thought she loved... her brother's lover. 

He turned, all his attention centred on the baby in his arms. She'd
forgotten about the baby, couldn't even think of its name for a moment.
Then he looked up, and she saw the strain on his face and knew it was as
bad or worse than she'd feared. 

Lt Welsh came over and started to explain what had happened, as far as he
knew, and how badly Ray had been hurt. Benton just stood there staring at
her and trying not to show it. She realised she had walked away from Welsh
without saying a word. She stopped in front of him. 

"Thank you for letting us know. I appreciate it." 

He looked away from her. "I wasn't sure if any of you would come." 

"He's my brother." 

His voice was low, angry. "You mean, he used to be." 

The baby stirred against his shoulder, whimpering in distress and Benton
shifted his attention back to the child, turning away and beginning to
pace again. She went after him and began to walk alongside. 

"Tell me what happened." 

He looked at her, his face shuttered, giving nothing away now. "We were
attacked by a gang of youths. Ray stayed behind so I could get Fraser away
safely. I went back as soon as I could..." His voice tailed away. 

She saw the guilt in his eyes and was moved by it. "He's your son. You had
to do it." 

"He's our son. Ray's and mine... It was the last thing he said." 

This time, when he turned away she let him go. 

* 

Elaine returned about an hour later with a large bag full of baby things
and some clean clothes for him. First priority was to feed Fraser and
change him. It wasn't easy, he was still very unsettled and fretful, but
finally he slept, wrapped in a light blanket and Ben was able to hand him
over to Elaine to hold while he changed out of his clothes. 

The nearest bathroom was way down the hall, he didn't want to go that far
in case something happened. It seemed embarrassment was a luxury he
couldn't afford right now, so he simply turned his back on them and peeled
off his T-shirt, filthy with dirt and dried blood, and dropped it beside
the bag. There was a gasp from behind him, and Elaine came over. 

"I think you should get a doctor to see to that, Ben." 

"It's nothing, just bruises." 

She wasn't giving up that easily. "I don't know... they look pretty bad." 

He hadn't noticed Welsh leave, but now he was coming back, a nurse in tow.
He tried to argue but Welsh simply overrode his objections. 

"That's an order, Constable. Besides, we'll need photos, for evidence, so
you might as well be examined at the same time." 

The nurse chipped in too. "There won't be any news for quite a while Mr
Fraser, and if anything happens we'll know where you are." He smiled
reassuringly, and Ben reluctantly allowed himself to be led away. 

* 

When he got back to the waiting area nothing had changed. He took Fraser
back from Elaine and went to sit away from the others. It was nearly
midnight before the surgeon came back. It took quite an effort to stand,
not only because of his reluctance to hear the worst. He was only
marginally aware of Frannie coming to stand at his side. 

The surgeon looked at the baby curiously, then got down to business. "It
went quite well, considering. He's lost a lot of blood of course, but
we're replacing that. The only real concern is the head injuries, the
skull's fractured, and we've had to operate to relieve pressure on the
brain. If he makes it through till morning, he's got a good chance. But it
may be several days before he regains consciousness, then we'll be able to
assess his situation." 

"Thank you. He'll be in intensive care?" 

The surgeon nodded sympathetically. "But I'm afraid only immediate family
can go there." 

"I am his family. He's my partner, this child is our son." Anger, fierce
and burning, welled up threatening to tear all his control away. The
surgeon looked unconvinced. 

Frannie stepped forward. "Excuse me just a minute here, I'm Ray's sister."


Ben stared at her, shocked, feeling betrayed... but really, how could he
have expected anything else? 

The surgeon looked relieved. "Well, if you're willing to give
permission..." 

"He doesn't need my permission. You heard what he said." 

Ben turned to her, unable to speak for a moment. "Francesca... Thank you."


"It's the truth isn't it? We haven't been much of a family these last few
weeks." 

"Ray doesn't want it that way. Neither do I." He hesitated, wanting to
make some kind of a gesture. "Would you hold Fraser for me, for a while?" 

Tears spilled over, but she pulled herself together with an effort.
"Sure." 

He passed Fraser over to her, very conscious of the surgeon waiting,
watching them both, and turned to follow him to the IC unit. 

* 

He hated this... they'd both been here too often, there was too much pain,
too many memories of waiting to know if someone you loved would survive.
The lights were turned low, but he could still see far too clearly the
damage that had been done. Most frightening of all were the dressings
wrapped around Ray's head. The rest of the injuries, terrible as they
seemed, would heal eventually, leaving little or no outward trace. The
thought of Ray suffering permanent brain damage terrified him. He knew
what could happen... loss of memory, loss of physical control, even
radical changes of personality could result from these kinds of injuries.
Even if Ray recovered, would he be the same Ray that Ben loved so much,
would he still want what they'd had together? He stepped closer and took
Ray's hand in his, stroking the long fingers. 

After a few minutes a nurse came in and touched him gently on the
shoulder. "I'm sorry, you'll have to leave now." 

* 

They were all waiting for him out in the hallway, all looking to him to
tell them about Ray. He couldn't. He went to Francesca and took Fraser
back, almost dropping him, when he took his weight into his aching arms. 

"Are you all right Ben?" It was Elaine, but he was too busy trying to calm
his suddenly awakened and frightened son to answer her. It took a long
time, and another bottle of formula to quieten him and then he was able to
sit and ease the strain on his shoulders. 

"Let me hold him, Ben. You must be pretty sore, would you like me to get
some aspirin or something from the nurse?" 

"No. But thank you, Elaine. I'll be fine." He didn't want to let go of
Fraser. His son felt like his only link to the life that had been
shattered by this attack, a life he might never get back. He understood
now how Ray had felt... if Ray died, Fraser would be all he had left. The
prospect of that filled him with dread. He'd lost the last of his family
when his father died and then, almost miraculously, he'd been given a new
family. Now, remembering the discussion he'd had with Ray about this very
possibility, he wondered how he would find the strength to continue alone.
He pressed his face against Fraser's dark hair and fought for control. 

Lt Welsh and Elaine left soon afterwards, much to his relief. He'd felt
constrained by their presence, as though he were their host, and he
couldn't help wondering what Ray would have said... something sarcastic
about Canadian politeness, he was sure. Then there was just Francesca. He
would have preferred that she left too, but he could hardly ask her to do
so, she was Ray's sister after all. 

He thought back over the last few weeks, remembering all that Ray had
suffered because of his family's rejection. He hadn't realised how angry
their behaviour had made him, until Francesca had called Ray her brother.
Still, she had seemed to accept their relationship when she stood up to
the surgeon on his behalf. Since then he'd hardly spoken to her, partly
because he didn't have the energy to deal with her, partly because he had
no idea what to say. 

She was standing by the water cooler, her arms folded across her chest.
She looked up and caught him watching and after a moment came over and sat
beside him. 

"I'm sorry." She saw his blank look. "About the way we've treated you
both... I was pretty ticked off about the two of you... being together, I
mean." 

He didn't know what to say, but it seemed she didn't expect him to speak.
"You really love him, don't you? It's not just..." 

He looked at her directly. "Just sex? No, it's not. We'd planned..." He
couldn't go on. They'd planned to spend the rest of their lives together,
he didn't want to believe that the rest of Ray's life might be measured in
hours rather than years. 

"You said he's Ray's son." Francesca indicated Fraser, still sleeping
against his shoulder. 

"Ray adopted him. We signed the papers last week. He loves Fraser too, and
he needed to be part of a family again." 

Francesca looked away. When she turned back her eyes were wet. "Was it
very bad for him?" 

"Yes." He hesitated. "It wasn't all your fault, I didn't help him as much
as I should have. I didn't really understand what he was going through." 

"I guess it wasn't easy for you either." 

He closed his eyes, remembering... it had been a nightmare. He'd rarely
felt so helpless in his life as he had then, watching Ray hurting so badly
and being powerless to prevent it. Then, just as they'd found some peace,
their lives had been shattered by this senseless violence. 

"Francesca, have you told your mother what's happened?" 

"She wasn't home... I was the only one there. I called a while ago and
told Maria, she didn't think it would be a good idea to tell Ma tonight."
She didn't meet his eyes. 

"He may not last the night, Francesca. Are you sure about this?" 

"I don't think she's gonna change her mind, Benton. You don't know what
she's been like since Ray told us about the two of you." 

"Ray's her son, for God's sake!" Fraser stirred against him, roused by the
sharpness of his voice. He got up and walked up and down until Fraser
settled again. He was shaking with anger, almost unable to believe what
Francesca had told him. He didn't go back to her until he had calmed down
a little. "I'm sorry, Francesca. What are you going to do?" 

She shrugged. "I don't know. I'll talk to Maria when I get home." 

"You should go. There's nothing you can do tonight." 

"What are you going to do?" 

"We'll stay." 

* 

He must have been dozing... a hand touched his shoulder lightly, startling
him. "Mr Fraser? You'd better come." 

His heart began a panicked syncopation. He glanced at the clock on the far
wall. It was 4:15 am. He stood, drawing the blanket more firmly around
Fraser, and followed the nurse into Ray's room. 

He could sense the change since the last time they'd let him come in. Not
for the better. He went to stand beside the bed, forcing himself to ignore
all the medical paraphernalia that was keeping Ray alive. 

"Would you like me to take the baby?" 

"No. Thank you." It was an effort to remember even the common politeness
that he'd thought was ingrained into his soul. He took Ray's hand, as he
had before and stood holding it. He could almost feel Ray's life draining
away, measured by the increasingly erratic beeping of the monitor. He was
only vaguely aware of the nurse leaving the room. 

"Ray? We're both here, Ray... don't leave us... please. Fraser needs you.
I need you... stay with us, Ray." He stopped, unable to speak past the
fear that gripped him. He forced himself to breathe deeply, trying to calm
himself. He thought he could feel something waiting, waiting to take Ray
away from him. Suddenly he found a stillness inside himself, a place where
anything was possible. 

"Ray, I won't let you go. You belong here, with me and Fraser. You have to
come back to us. I won't allow you to die." He started to shake
uncontrollably, disturbing Fraser who began to wail. Whatever certainty
he'd felt had completely disappeared and he wondered how he could have
been so idiotic as to believe he could prevent Ray's death with a few
meaningless words. But Ray didn't die, and half an hour later the doctors
decided his condition had stabilised, he'd survived the crisis. 

He survived the next one too, and the one after that... 

* 

It was mid morning before he could bring himself to leave the hospital,
even though the doctors were now cautiously optimistic about Ray's
chances. In the end he had no choice, one of the nurses warned him that
the Children's Protective Services would have to be called if he kept
Fraser at the hospital. He simply had to find someone to look after Fraser
for him. 

Luckily Mrs Gamez, once she had got over her shock at news of the attack,
was more than willing to care for him, and Ben knew that the money he
would be paying her was badly needed. While he was organising things, Mr
Mustafi came to call him to the phone. 

"Benton? They told me at the hospital you'd gone home." It was Francesca. 

"I needed to arrange care for Fraser. The doctors think Ray's out of
danger." He still felt weak with relief whenever he thought about how
close Ray had come to dying. 

"I know." 

There was a strained silence. Finally he forced himself to ask the only
question he wanted answered. "Francesca, have you told your mother yet?" 

"I don't need to. I was talking to Maria about it and she came into my
room. She must have heard everything, but she didn't say a word." 

"Francesca..." 

"No! I can't do it. She knows, and she'll make up her own mind, OK? Ma
won't listen to anything I say to her about it." 

"All right. I understand, Francesca." 

He needed to call the vet, to check on Dief. The wolf was awake and
suffering nothing worse that a few cracked ribs and some bruising. He'd
need to stay for a few days for observation, but that was a blessing,
given the circumstances. 

He'd hardly hung up the phone when it rang again. For him. This time it
was Elaine, somehow Welsh had managed to get the case assigned to the 27th
Precinct... he was needed to identify the attackers from a line-up, and to
make his statement. 

* 

He took Fraser with him to the Precinct, wanting to keep him close as long
as he could. He had no idea how long Ray would be in ICU, or how often
he'd be able to get away to see Fraser. 

Telling the story over again, in detail this time, made him sick to his
stomach. He kept seeing Ray's battered body lying on the Emergency Room
table, kept hearing the beeping of the monitors in ICU. It was a gruelling
session, not even the sympathetic handling of the interviewing detectives
was much help. Identifying the suspects was even worse, though it was easy
enough to pick them out. They looked so young and harmless, scared as they
were now. 

As he was leaving, Huey and a few others came over to talk to him, most
just watched. He felt a surge of anger. These were Ray's fellow officers,
but even now they couldn't put aside their prejudices to wish him well. He
met Elaine's eyes across the room, she'd been busy on something and they
hadn't had a chance to talk, but he couldn't wait. He desperately needed
to be back at Ray's side. 

* 

"You know, it just isn't right." 

Elaine turned to Shelley, seeing the young woman staring after Ben's back
as he went through the door. She raised her eyebrows, she knew Shelley
didn't approve of gays, and the comment surprised her. 

Shelley caught her look. "They shouldn't be allowed to raise that baby.
God only knows what they'll teach the poor thing when he's older." 

Elaine stared at her in shock. "Ray's in hospital, maybe dying, and you
want to take his kid off him?" Her voice was quite loud by the end, people
were staring. 

Shelley's jaw set stubbornly. "It's indecent. I know it was against the
law, but you can hardly blame those boys for what they did." 

The sound of the slap stopped everyone in their tracks. Elaine walked
away, her hand stinging. Not as painfully, she hoped, as Shelley's cheek. 

* 

At two am even the ICU was quiet and dimly lit. It wasn't difficult, even
for an elderly Italian woman, to sneak into one of the rooms. She hadn't
had a moment's peace since this morning when she'd heard her two daughters
furtively discussing their brother's situation. Her first instinct,
quickly suppressed, had been to rush to the hospital, but two things had
stopped her. She had to set an example, as the matriarch of the family...
and she wasn't sure that Ray would want her to be there. She had thrown
him out of the family, after all. 

She'd never allowed her family to see what that had cost her in sleepless
nights and tears. She was sure she'd done the right thing, the only thing
she could do, but it wasn't any easier now than it had been all those
weeks ago. She prayed for him every day, attended early mass every day and
the rest of the time tried to put him out of her mind. Now this had
happened. She wasn't sure if it was God's punishment on Ray for his sin,
or on her. If she'd been a better mother surely none of this would have
happened. 

Ray's room was quite dark and it wasn't until she reached the bed that she
could see how badly he'd been beaten. She caught her breath, fighting her
shock at the sight of him, her hand instinctively going out to touch him
and then stopping at the last moment. She still half felt that she
shouldn't have come, and one of the things she had promised herself, or
perhaps God, was that she would not touch him. She had come here to pray
for his soul should he die and for his repentance if God should spare him,
not touching her son was part of the bargain, a penance for her own
failings. 

She drew out her rosary and began her prayers, using the comforting Latin
phrases only half understood but somehow more appropriate than plain
English. The only sound in the room was the soft whisper of her voice and
the beeping of the monitor. 

It didn't take long. She slipped the rosary back into her purse and looked
at her son one last time. That was when she realised they were not the
only two people in the room. A slight stirring drew her attention and she
saw a shadowed figure move in a chair placed in a dark corner, the pale
face immediately recognisable. Benton Fraser, the young man she had
adopted into her family and who had seduced her son into sin. 

She hadn't expected him to be here, had been only too ready to believe the
worst of him... She went over to stand in front of him, not sure what she
was going to do. But when she got there she could see the dark shadows
under his eyes, the strain on his face even when he slept. Reluctantly,
she admitted to herself that Benton must truly love Ray to keep a vigil
over him, even to the point of exhaustion. It didn't make any difference
to her decision, but it helped somehow, to know that Ray had one person to
care for him. 

* 

Ray was showing signs that he might wake soon. After three seemingly
endless days of waiting for this, Ben was keyed up to the point that he
simply couldn't keep still. He paced up and down the small room
restlessly, afraid to leave even for a moment in case Ray should wake
while he was alone. He forced himself to sit in a chair beside the bed,
take Ray's hand in his and just wait. 

Even then, he nearly missed it. One moment Ray's eyes were closed, the
next they were open, looking at him dazedly. 

"Ray?" He whispered the name, wondering if Ray would even know him, but
Ray blinked and smiled sleepily at him. He stroked the bruised cheek
lightly. 

"Hey, Benny..." Ray's voice was just a weak croak, he frowned slightly. 

Ben spooned a few ice chips into his mouth, not letting go of his hand for
a moment. He watched anxiously as Ray sucked on the ice then swallowed.
"Better?" 

Ray nodded and winced. "You gonna tell me what happened?" 

"How much do you remember?" He waited while Ray frowned again. 

"Last thing I remember was signing the adoption papers... we did that,
didn't we Benny?" 

"Yes... oh, Ray..." Suddenly he was fighting back tears. 

"What's wrong Benny? Has something happened to Fraser?" Ray was looking
frightened and Ben hurriedly reassured him. 

"No. He's fine, Mrs Gamez is looking after him. It's just... the doctors
thought there might be memory loss. I was afraid..." 

Ray grinned weakly. "As if I'd forget the best thing that's ever happened
to me." 

"Am I, Ray? Am I really?" 

Ray's eyes were closing despite his efforts. "Sure y'are, Benny..." 

* 

The next time Ray woke, there was a small horde of doctors waiting to run
tests on him. Ben was forced, protesting, from the room. 

An hour and a half later Ben was allowed back in. Ray looked exhausted,
and angry. The doctors wandered out looking pleased. A lone nurse was left
to tidy up and explain. 

"Mr Vecchio's a very lucky man. There's only minor damage to the brain,
causing a slight weakness on the left side of the body. Nothing that a
little physiotherapy can't fix. He'll be as good as new in a few weeks." 

Ben looked at Ray, who was muttering under his breath. It was better news
than he'd ever dared to hope for, he went over and sat on the edge of the
bed, taking hold of Ray's hand. The muttering stopped and Ray looked up at
him. 

"Guess you've been pretty worried, huh, Benny?" 

He smiled. "Just a bit." 

"You gonna kiss me, then?" 

He never needed a second invitation. The nurse gave them an amused glance
as she left the room. 

* 

Ben sat in the armchair making faces for Fraser and keeping one eye on
Ray. He was sleeping, but then he slept a lot at the moment. This was the
first time he'd been able to bring Fraser to visit. The nurses had
promised to turn a blind eye, especially after Ray had started getting
grouchy about the fact that he couldn't see Fraser. 

A grunt from the bed alerted him and he picked up Fraser and went over to
sit on the edge. Ray struggled out of sleep, finally managing to open his
eyes blearily. They lit up like beacons once he saw Fraser, though. Ben
put the baby on the bed and helped Ray to sit up and eased him back
against the pillows. Then he put Fraser on Ray's lap. 

Five minutes later he was sitting alongside Ray on the bed while Ray
balanced Fraser against his raised knees. He put his arm carefully around
Ray's shoulders, the left one had been broken, and he was treating his
lover as though he was made from glass. Ray turned his head, a happy smile
on his face and Ben kissed him, slow and deep. He could still hardly
believe that Ray was going to be all right, it was as thought the
nightmare of the last few days hadn't entirely dissipated. 

Ray stiffened suddenly against him and Ben pulled back, instantly alarmed.
Then he followed Ray's stare to the door. Francesca was there. He hadn't
said anything about her to Ray. Although she'd called the hospital several
times, she hadn't been back since that first night and he hadn't wanted to
raise hopes pointlessly. 

Francesca smiled uncertainly. "Hi Ray." 

"Frannie?" Ray's voice was shaking. 

Ben slipped off the bed, but Ray reached for him. "Don't go, Benny." 

"It's all right, Ray. I was just going to get a chair for Francesca." He
was back in a minute with the chair and then sat on the bed beside Ray
again, putting an arm around him protectively. 

Ray swallowed nervously. "So, how you been, Frannie?" 

"Better than you by the look of it." She grinned weakly. "Sorry I didn't
get here sooner, it was kinda difficult to get away." 

Ray turned his attention back to Fraser. "That's OK. I understand." 

There was an awkward silence. 

"He's a cute kid... Benton told me you'd adopted him." 

Ray brightened. "Yeah. Just a couple of weeks ago. He's even starting to
look like me." 

"Aw, the poor little thing... maybe he'll grow out of it." 

Their laughter was a little forced, but Ben could feel Ray relaxing
against him. He turned his head slightly to brush his lips against Ray's
temple and caught Frannie's glance. She didn't seem to be very upset by
the kiss, but he looked at her inquiringly. She smiled back at him,
uncomfortably. 

Ray caught some of the by-play between them. "What? What's going on?" 

"Nothing, Ray." They both spoke at once. Then their eyes met and they both
started to laugh. 

* 

Ben smiled as he felt Ray stir against his side, remembering the look on
his face as he'd closed and locked the hospital door, then proceeded to
strip off his clothes. It had been a mixture of surprise, pleasure and
uncertainty, but when he had slipped into the bed, Ray had come into his
arms with complete trust. Just as he had that first time they'd made love.
He still didn't know what impulse had prompted him to do that, but he knew
it had been the smartest move he'd ever made. 

Sex had been out of the question this time, but they'd just been told that
as long as Ray continued to improve, he'd be able to leave hospital in
less than a week, and Ben had felt that deserved a celebration. Besides,
he needed to feel Ray's bare skin against his own. Ray still seemed so
fragile. He'd lost too much weight, almost overnight, and felt shockingly
light in his arms, but just holding him was a comfort. He continued to
stroke the slim back absently. 

Francesca's visit a few days ago, and her return with Maria in tow
yesterday had triggered a noticeable improvement in Ray, and it seemed
that some of the wounds caused by his family's estrangement were beginning
to heal. If only his mother would come... but that wasn't likely to
happen. Ray and his sisters had avoided that topic of conversation
altogether and when he'd tried to question the sisters privately, he'd
been told in no uncertain terms to drop it. He shifted slightly, even
thinking about it made him uncomfortable, and he had to accept,
reluctantly, that Ray had been right. There were some things he just
couldn't fix. 

He glanced at his watch knowing he'd have to get out of bed soon, they'd
been behind a locked door for well over two hours, the hospital staff must
be wondering what was going on. Or maybe they had a pretty good idea... he
and Ray hadn't even attempted to hide their love for each other and the
nurses had accepted their touching and kissing with remarkable equanimity.
But then, they'd probably seen it all before. 

He didn't know if he'd made a move, or if Ray had somehow sensed his
restlessness, but suddenly Ray was lifting his head slightly, blinking
drowsily at him. He managed to steal a quick kiss before Ray's head
dropped to his shoulder again, but he wasn't asleep, his hand crept across
Ben's chest before veering in a downwards direction. Ben caught it, raised
it to his lips for a moment and then held it still. 

"Not yet, love." 

Ray smiled against his skin. "Nothing to stop you from having a bit of
fun, Benny." 

"Not yet." He rolled Ray onto his back and pushed up on one elbow to look
at him. Most of the bruising around Ray's eyes had gone now, and he could
look into the grey-green depths without flinching inside. He traced the
full sensual lips with one fingertip. Kissed them gently. He was glad that
Ray had no memory of the attack and would probably never regain it. One
day he'd tell him. Not now, the memories were far too painful, but he
wanted Ray to know what he'd done to protect their son. 

"What is it, Benny?" Ray was looking at him, concerned. 

"I was just thinking... You remember that discussion we had? About how I'd
react if you died?" Ray reached up to touch his cheek. "I was wrong. I
don't know what I'd do... I don't know if I could live without you, Ray." 

Ray pulled him down and began to stroke his hair gently. "It didn't
happen, Benny. It's not gonna happen." 

"It could. It could happen to either of us." 

"It's not gonna. I won't let it. We're both gonna live until we're eighty,
you hear?" 

Ben couldn't help smiling. "Yes, Ray." 

He leaned over and kissed his lover's lips, then placed a kiss over the
dark nipple, needing to feel the steadily beating heart beneath. Then he
slipped from the bed, located the hospital gown and helped Ray to put it
on. He was turning away again to get his own clothes when Ray called him
back. 

"Don't go yet Benny. Stay a bit longer." 

He got back into the bed and into Ray's embrace. They kissed for a while,
cuddling together for comfort and pleasure. He began to stroke Ray's side
lightly, not noticing that his hand was gradually moving lower until he
touched the bare skin below the hospital gown. He would have drawn back
then, but Ray moved sleepily against him. 

"Mmn... nice..." 

He let his hand move higher, under the gown, and cupped the soft genitals
in his palm. A small sigh and the languid stirring of the cock under his
fingers was the only response as he stroked gently. A moment later he
heard a small snore. 

It was surprisingly difficult to make himself get out of the bed and
dress, but he had a lot to do if Ray was coming home at the end of the
week. Dief could come home from Willie's, and Mrs Gamez would have to be
asked to do some cleaning and cooking for them. He'd need to arrange for
more time off work, until he was sure Ray could manage. He'd have to make
sure the lift was working, Ray wouldn't be able to manage the stairs.
There was a lot to organise, but all that really mattered was that they
were going to be a family again.