TITLE:  Did I? Yes, I Did

NAME: frogdoggie

E-MAIL: frogdoggie@hotmail.com

CATEGORY: VRA

RATING: NC-17. M/SK. This story contains SLASH. A little bit of sexual activity between two men. Not the usual graphic stuff but it is two guys enjoying themselves - eventually. So, if you don’t like that type of thing - STOP NOW! Forewarned is forearmed. Proceed with caution.

SUMMARY: Skinner and Mulder argue over Skinner's actions in SR819 - with interesting results.

FEEDBACK - YES PLEASE, AND THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER? Comments, suggestions and healthy debate are always welcome. Flames? Thanks! I need to build a bonfire so I can roast a few weenies!

TIMESPAN/SPOILER WARNING: This season. SR819.

KEYWORDS: vignette angst slash Skinner Mulder NC-17

DISCLAIMER: Fox Mulder, Walter Skinner, Dana Scully, Kersh and all other X-Files characters belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made from their use.

*Authors note: This is NOT an installment in the Baton Rouge Series.

*Second author's note at the end.

Written in April of 1999 - during a very rainy break in Spring planting.

TITLE: Did I? Yes, I did by frogdoggie

Did I really tell him I had neither the authority nor the will to allow him to fight for me? Did I? Yes...I did. He and his partner were practically begging me to "release the hounds" but I just couldn't let this dog hunt that game. No, not this go around, and not this particular hound. The hunt was too dangerous, there were too many deadfalls. I couldn't risk it. Not without risking it all. Not without risking him.

But...I could see the confusion in his eyes. The hurt. He had no idea why. I hurt him, and he had no clue why I did.

God damn it, Mulder. I wish...I just wish once I could give you a clue as to what's going on in my head. I know you think I'm betraying you. Shutting you out. Closing myself off. Fucking over the X-Files - your quest for the truth. Well...maybe I am, but believe me I have my reasons. I have my own truths and...I can't reveal them to you. I can hardly reveal them to myself.

So, I dismissed you and Scully. "This matter's closed, agents. Am I clear?" I said. Clear? Christ I couldn't be more in the dark where it really matters. In my heart. In my soul.

It's late. Ten o'clock at night. I should go home. I...now what? Oh Fuck.

"Sir?"

"Yes, Agent Mulder?"

"Sir, can I just have a minute of your time?"

"Mulder I don't think we have anything else to discuss..."

"To hell we don't sir. Excuse me, but I think we do."

"Well since you're in here, fine...say your peace and then leave me to mine."

"Leave you to your peace? You mean leave you to your God damned cowardice, don't you?"

"Agent Mulder..."

"No listen - hear me out. How in the hell could you just dismiss Scully and me this afternoon? Are you going to tell me you don't care who tried to kill you? That it doesn't have anything to do with your involvement with SR819? That *this* near death experience has nothing to do with the X-Files?"

"Mulder, I already told you this is a dead issue..."

"Dead issue? Christ, sir. You were almost a dead issue. Don't you think that matters to Scully and... "

"Not necessarily..."

"Well shit, sir...it matters to me!"

"I don't think whether it matters to you is at issue here, Agent Mulder."

"Oh no? You mean after everything we've been through over the years it wouldn't matter to me? Shouldn't matter? Cut me some slack here. After all's said and done sir, I thought you'd at least consider me enough of a friend to let me help this time. How could you think I wouldn't care when a...a...friend is nearly killed, sir?. I mean it's hardly fair to assume I wouldn't try to help in every way I know how to apprehend the person or people responsible."

"But it's not within your jurisdiction anymore to..."

"Oh come on, sir. That's just a smoke screen...bullshit for what's really at stake here, isn't it? I can't believe you wouldn't feel you could trust me...uh...us. I mean we have established more of an understanding here about the work, haven't we? I thought you'd at least make a token effort, despite the reassignment to..."

"That's just the point, Mulder. You and Scully are no longer assigned to me. If you want this to be pursued you need to go through channels..."

"Through channels? To who? Fucking Spender and Fowley? They're the back stabbing sons of whores who got us reassigned in the..."

"Mulder, you're out of line!"

"I'm out of line? What would you say about a man who knows someone tried to kill him, probably knows his killer, and won't lift a finger to bring him to justice?"

"What would you say about him, Mulder?"

"I'd say he was a fool...or worse."

"Or worse?"

"Yes, sir. A coward for starters."

"I am not a coward, agent."

"All right. A traitor, then," he blurts out.

I just stare at him. It's a shock to hear him utter those words even though, in my heart I knew they'd come. I foresaw the words because, after all, we have to live with the consequences of our actions. My penance for rejecting him will be his abrogation. It's only just. I deserve it for what I've done. I can barely stand to look in his eyes. To see the disdain for me that's growing there. The distrust. The incipient hate. I turn away. I can barely speak. 

"Mulder...get out. Now."

"Not until you hear what else I have to say."

"FUCK YOU! I'VE HEARD ENOUGH!" I curse at the top of my lungs.

I whirl on him, roaring out in pain and anger like a wounded bull, stabbed by the sword of a very skillful matador. Even I have my limits. I can't take any more tonight. I'm dying slowly inside. I just want him out of my office. Out of my life if it's possible. I want to rip him out of my heart and then gut myself afterwards.

"I don't think you have, sir," Mulder replies, glaring at me.

We're suddenly standing face to face. I can see the swirling green, mixed with flecks of brown and gold, that courses through his pupils. He's suddenly silent, anticipatory of my next outburst. I'm breathing hard but I manage to speak again, very low.

"So you think the reason I didn't unleash you and Scully was because I'm a fool, or a coward, or maybe a traitor. Have I got that right?"

"As rain, sir," he hisses into my face.

"You think I don't give a shit that someone tried to kill me. I could care less that my...botched assassination is more than likely connected to the X-Files. Am I right again?"

"Right," he nods, anger making his nostrils flare.

I study him closely. I can see the almost irrational anger that possesses him. I can also see the pain and fear at the idea that someone he trusted, thought of as an ally and friend, is possibly selling him out again. I get a brief glimpse of something else there as well. Something....a trace of emotion I could never have hoped to see - ever. Something I hoped he'd...that...that glimpse gives me the power to continue. I step close, crowding into his personal space. He holds his ground, defiant, proud...

"Wrong." I whisper, and his brow furrows in confusion.

"What?"

"I said wrong. Those aren't any of the reasons why I didn't let you pursue this case, Mulder. You're not even close to the reason."

"Then why in the hell didn't you give me permission to follow-up, sir? he asks, bewildered, "I think I can help, sir. I want to help. I need..."

His voice falters for a moment, and he looks down, and then up again into my eyes.

"What was the reason?" he asks quietly, his eyes questioning so many things all at once.

"This was the reason," I reply and then I reach forward, take his face in my hands, and kiss him deeply on the lips.

There's a moment of shocked hesitation, but then he yields to my mouth. He opens his lips...and I taste him at last. I expected sunflower seeds, but instead I savor dried number 2 pencil erasers and hours old coffee. I dive in, and swallow the flavor whole. I drink all I can get as he presses eagerly against me.

This is a risk greater than any I've ever taken in my life. The supreme risk - opening one's soul to another. But it's a risk I'm now more than willing to take. I have to risk it or lose him to hate. I couldn't let that happen. Not now. Not when a simple gesture could save us both. Not when I need to show him I love him at last.

My love for him is the reason I wouldn't risk him. I couldn't risk someone I love this much again. Throw him to the wolves to save my hide. I'd never forgive myself if he'd died, or worse, for me. So, I pushed him away in order to save him. Maybe, I thought at the time, in order to save myself.

But Mulder was right to a degree. I was a coward until now - but not in the way he envisioned my cowardice. I was a coward to not reveal my true mind. I was a fool too. A fool not to admit my feelings for this man. I was even a traitor. A traitor to my own heart and the love for Fox Mulder that burns in it. But I'm none of those things anymore. No...now I'm free, whole...and for once in my life...I'm truly alive.

My hands move down and around to pull Mulder close. I stroke his back and am rewarded with more hunger behind his kiss. I finally, reluctantly, move apart. He pushes away slightly, catching my eyes and capturing them with his. There's a look of dawning wonder and yes...desire in those hazel depths. I was right. I did see my love for him mirrored back at me before we kissed. As I watch, he breaks into a dazed, and sloppy grin.

"Some reason," he sighs, reaching up to gently touch my cheek.

"Yeah," I reply, smiling wide.

It's a real smile. I show all my teeth. God, did I really kiss him? Hell yeah. I'd like to kiss him again, I think. So, I do.

xXx

*Second Author's note: This story came out of a author's challenge. The creative gauntlet was throw down by Halrloprillalar, to write a M/SK first kiss story. So...this is a slightly expanded version of the 400 word limit vignette I wrote. If you'd like to read the short version - surf HERE. Enjoy.

-THE END-