SEASON 4 QUOTES
Episode 401
~~~~~
Michael: It's Ben.
Hunter: Dude! What's up?
Ben:Hey pal, Ahhh how's it going?
Hunter: We're stuck in a shit hole motel, in the pouring rain down to our last Cheeto, but other than that, life is beautiful.
Michael: Give me that! Ben?
Ben: Michael, Michael are you OK?
Michael: I'm fine, We're both fine.
Ben: Listen, ahhh Hunter's Mom came by again...
Michael: What did you tell her?
Ben: That he ran away, and you went looking for him and look she didn't believe me. Now she's threatening to have you arrested!
Michael: For what?
Ben: Kidnapping! Contributing to the delinquency of a minor!
Michael: Can she do that?
Ben: All I know is she can make a lot of trouble for all of us, that is why you have to come back!
Michael: I told you, I'm not gonna let her take him!
Ben: Well, You can't just hide out forever.
Michael: We'll be OK.
Ben: Please, now, tell me where you are.
Michael: I don't want to get you in trouble, or have to lie
Ben: Oh damn it Michael! Mi...Michael ... Fuck!
Michael: Where are you going?
Hunter: To get us something to eat before we starve to death.
~~~~
Debbie: It's Three days! Three fucking days and not one fucking word!
Lindsay: Deb I got the tuna melt.
Ben: And I got the turkey wrap?
Debbie: Except for this strange cryptic message, don't worry Ma, I'm all right.
Justin: It doesn't sound strange or cryptic to me.
Debbie: Well, you're not a mother!
Ben: I just talked to him Debbie, and he's all right.
Debbie: He's not all right! A mother can always read between the lines. The first time since Michael's learned to pick up a phone that we haven't talked three times a day!
Justin: Three?
Brian: I know, it explains so much!
Debbie: Ben, honey, the next time you talk to him again, please tell him I love him up to the sky.
Ben: Sure, Debbie.
Debbie: And if he's not back here pronto, I'm gonna rip his balls off!
~~~~
Michael: Hunter? Where the fuck have you been? I've been looking all over for you!
Hunter: Come on, lets eat, dinners on me.
Michael: Where did you get that? How many truckers did you have to fuck to get it?
Hunter: Just one, and it was only a blow job!
Michael: Well, that's a relief. How could you?
Hunter: How could I what? We're broke, isn't that what you said?
Michael: OK, that's it, lets go.
Hunter: To ahh Mexico?
Michael: To Pittsburgh!
Hunter: No Way! You promised!
Michael: I'm breaking it! Now come on!
Hutner: Get the fuck off me!
Michael: Listen to me you little asshole! I risked everything for you! Now you're gonna do what I tell you. We are gonna go back and fight, and then we're gonna try and turn you into a normal human being, which, at the moment, flapping my arms and flying to the moon seems like a better bet. Move it!
~~~~
Ben: I missed you so much!
Michael: You too!
Hunter: Hey, what about me?
Ben: Come here Pal! Hey, did you behave yourself?
Michael: He was a perfect angel.
Hunter: I was a perfect angel
Ben: All right! Thank God you're both safe and in one piece.
~~~~
Debbie: Want to pass the ziti sweetie?
Michael: Sure Ma, see? that's how I know...
Ben: What?
Michael: She's pissed! She's just waiting for the right moment: *makes a smacking gesture. *
~~~~
Ben: See? I told we should have done this the right way.
Debbies: Yeah instead of running off without telling your mother! *smacks Michael's head*
Michael: Owwwwwwwwwww ... I told you!
Ben:
~~~~
Ben: Does it? Then how about we go again?
Michael: That would make three.
Ben: God I missed kissing you ... holding you ...
Ben: What?
Michael: I'm just lookin ... You are so beautiful.
Ben: You're kinda cute yourself.
Michael: Sometimes I wonder why? ... I mean ... how you could ever love me?
Ben: What are you talking about?
Michael: I feel like such an idiot. Running off with Hunter the way I did. I should of just ... stayed here like you said ... instead of putting everybody though Mikey and Hunter's excellent adventure, It was ... so not cool! And so immature. And what kind of message is that to give to a kid?
Ben: Hold it! What you did was incredible!
Michael: It was?
Ben: Not only do I ... admire you for having the balls to do it, I'm actually kind a jealous.
Michael: Jealous?
Ben: How You put Hunters safety above your own .. without a second thought. I wouldn't call that immature, I would call that ... love.
~~~~
Rita: Thank you.
Judge: I hope you will also give your mother a second chance.
Hunter: There's no way in hell, I'm going with her!
Judge: If you don't young man, I'll be forced to hold you in contempt. This court is adjourned.
Hunter: Ben?
Michael: I knew this would happen. Mel?
Melanie: I'm so sorry honey, we did the best we could.
Rita: Jimmy, I promise everything is gonna be better from now on.
Hunter: Sure it will Mom. *Hunter kisses her on the mouth.*
Rita: James!
Hunter: I forgot to tell you, I'm HIV positive.
Rita: That's not very funny Jimmy.
Hunter: It's true. Ask them.
Ben: It's true.
Rita: Oh ... You fucking dirty little faggot! What the fuck? You trying to give it to me?
Judge: Miss Marcus, Mr. Landry may I see you?
~~~~
Michael: Excuse me young man?
Ben: You've got school tomorrow.
Hunter: Christ, don't tell me you're gonna turn into my god dam parents!
Melanie: Hey, you heard what the judge said. You can live with Michael and Ben provided you stay on your best behavior!
Lindsay: By the way, we intend to keep an eye on you just to make sure you do!
~~~~
~~~~
Michael: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Ben:What is it Michael? Migraine?
Michael: Impacted wisdom teeth ... ahhhhhhhh
Debbie: But you had them all extracted!
Michael: Emmett doesn't know that. What possessed me? Why did I ever agree to go with him?
Debbie: Because you're a good hearted human being who would do anything for his friend.
Michael: Cause I'm a lame brain doormat who doesn't know how to say no.
Ben:It'll only be a couple of days.
Michael: More like an eternity.
Ben: We've discussed these radical fairy gatherings in my class. This guy Harry Hay...
Debbie: I've heard of him.
Ben: ... started them in the seventies. They're supposed to be a very empowering and enlightening experience.
Michael: If they're so empowering and enlightening, why don't you go?
Ben: I can't, I have classes, and Hunter. Anyway Emmett asked you.
Michael: I'm not going, no way.
~~~~~
Ben: Better not tell the old Robin that! I just got Hunter a membership.
Hunter: Yeah, want to hook up in the steam room?
Brian: Uh yeah, you should fit in here just fine.
Ben: We did not come here so you could hit on the guys, that includes Brian. We came here so you can stay healthy.
Hunter: Too late for that.
Ben: No, it's never too late to get in shape.
Brian: Yeah, you want to develop that six pack before you drink it. Hey, I can use that for the ad.
Hunter: Why work out when I can take some meds and KAPOW, so long virus.
Ben: Because it's better to build your immune system naturally.
Hunter: That guy looks pretty healthy to me.
Ben: That's not what HIV looks like. And the meds don't fix anything ... they, they buy you time if they work and then there are dozens of side affects. Skin rashes, liver failure, cardiac arrest.
Brian: Little early to be freaking the kid out, don't you think?
Ben: I just don't want him believing some misleading ad that makes it seem like all you have to do is pop some pill and you're as good as new. Anybody whose ever taken one knows what a crock of shit that is.
~~~~~
Ben: Don't forget the cutie in the kilt.
Brian: I think you may have found your Christmas card.
Ben: Didn't I tell you it would be a once in a lifetime experience, Dumpling.
Brian: Dumpling?
Michael: That's my fairly name, and if you EVER so much as call me that!
Emmett: Cosmo please. WOOOOOOOO!!
Brian: : Why'd you do that?
Emmett: Just trying to spread the magic.
Ben: Maybe next year we all should go.
Emmett: yeah absolutely!
Ben: Brain what about you?
Brian: I would rather crazy glue my tongue to a lesbian's twat.
~~~~~
Michael: What are you doing reading comic books!
Hunter: Duh, I'm in a fucking comic book store.
Michael: Well, you should be doing your homework, and watch your mouth!
Holy shit!
Hunter: What? What's the matter?
Michael: Did you hear me? I sounded just like my Mother. Here,*hands Hunter a stack of comics* read as many as you like!
Debbie: Ted? A singing waiter?
Michael: Serving up arias and arrabbiata at Rigoletto's
Ben: I always heard that place was a blast.
Debbie: Oh honey, it's like a god damn ride a Disneyland. they got fake grapes, fake Italian waiters a fake sunsets painted on the walls. No fucking class at all.
Ben: Then what were Vic and Rodney doing there?
Debbie: Vic and Rodney? at Rigoletto's?
Michael: Last night. That's how we heard about Ted.
Michael: You know, we should all go there.
Ben: You sure he'd like that?
Michael: Why not?
Em: Go where?
Ben: Rigoletto's.
Em: The cheesy joint with the singing waiter? Why would we want to go there?
Michael: Ted's one of the singing waiters.
Em: Really? So ahh you just thought we'd all go and root him on? Well, be sure and shout bravo for me.
Ben: Good boy. Feel those pecs.
Michael: Any time you want big guy.
Blake: Excuse me, would you mind spotting me?
Michael: Actually, we were just about the hit the showers.
Blake: I'm Blake.
Ben: Ben. Oh, you're ahh Ted's...Michael's told me
Blake: The whole story?
Michael: Come on, we need to get home.
Blake: Ah look, I know you don't really want to hear anything I have to say, but what happened last night between you and Ted ... ahh you gotta give him some time.
Michael: Thanks for the advise, now it you don't mind?
Blake: He's trying to put his life back together and there's a lot of things he's ashamed of and when he sees you, he's reminded of them. You're a reflection of those things he wants to forget. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.
Ben: We care about him too.
Michael: Yeah, we just want him to know it.
Blake: He does know it. Deep down. Eventually he'll come around. But it has to be on his own terms.
Ben: I'll spot you if you like?
Blake: Thanks.
Ben: Sure.
Michael: In a brief paragraph, explain why you want to be foster parents. Sounds like an assignment for you professor.
Ben: How about we want to give a child the love and support he needs ... to help him fulfill his dreams, annnd achieve his goals.
Hunter: I happen to be eating. Don't make me puke!
Ben: Hey, it may not win a Pulitzer prize ... but I think it says it all.
Michael: Holy, shit look at this. It says social services may drop by for a visit at anytime, unannounced.
Ben: What if they do? We have nothing to hide.
Hunter: Except for that double headed dildo.
Michael: Hey, any dildo we might have is hidden away where no one can find it.
Hunter: Yeah, I'll bet.
Michael: Listen smart ass, from now on there will be no more lewd comments or sexual innuendo.
Hunter: So much for conversation.
Michael: Ma I told you, you didn't have to do this.
Debbie: I know I didn't have to. I wanted to do it just like I wanted to make you dinner.
Michael: The last three nights.
Debbie: And groat your tiles.
Ben: Took you two days.
Debbie: You have a problem with that do you Ben?
Ben: No, Debbie, no problem at all. We love having you around.
Debbie: Good, cause I love being with my boys.
Ben: I thought the gay gene provided us all with an innate ability to redecorate, accessorize and arrange flowers?
Michael: I think mines recessive.
Ben: Oh well allow me. All right this goes ... here ...
Michael: Yours is obviously dominant.
Ben: Yeah, So what is with this sudden urge to beautify?
Michael: I just thought the place could use a little sprucing up.
Ben: Michael, it said the social worker MAY, repeat, may show up.
Michael: Who said I'm doing it cause of that? All right, I am doing it because of that. But, like Mel said, gay parents have to be better then straight parents.
Ben: Well, I think that your worry, concern, and obsessive compulsiveness are totally neurotic ... and adorable. I say lets just be ourselves. It's good enough.
Hunter: Careful. You want the social worker to come in here and see two homos kissing?
Michael: Will you put on some clothes! And use a glass!
Hunter: Dude, you need to take a chill pill.
Michael: I just fluffed those pillows. Fuck! Get your feet off the couch. Go get dressed now!
Ben: Everything looks great. Now just calm down. Hysteria isn't gonna help.
Debbie: It's cannelloni night. I used to make it for Vic and Rodnery, and now you guys are the lucky recipients.
Michael: Ma!
Debbie: Want to warm this up?
Ben: Ahh ... Debbie, ahhh ... I've already made dinner. It's Soy loaf, with mashed turnips and carrot coolie.
Debbie: Uh huh. So you wanna warm this up?
Michael: Ma, not tonight.
Debbie: Why not tonight?
Hunter: I thought you were the social worker.
Debbie: Honey, I'm the social director.
Debbie: I just love Some Like it Hot! I can watch it over and over and over...
Michael: We have.
Debbie: So, who's up for All About Eve?
Ben: I have some writing I need to finish.
Michael: And Hunter has homework to do.
Hunter: I don't mind.
Debbie: Oh there's always time for Betty Davis.
Hunter: Who's Betty Davis?
Debbie: Who's Betty Davis? This kid needs a real education.
Michael: Homo piece theater is over for this evening. Go on.
Debbie: All right, you boys go do whatever it is you need to do. I'll just sit here and play solitaire.
Michael: Ma, Uncle Vic and I were talking, and ...
Debbie: You and Vic? Ohhh.
Michael: All about you! And I know you must feel lonely ... because he's gone, but duh ... you can't keep coming over here. You gotta to find something's to do on your own, u you know with some friends of your own.
Debbie: Well, I'm so glad that you and my brother know how I feel ... and what I should be doing.
Ben: It's not a bad idea to broaden your horizons.
Debbie: I'm broad enough thanks!
Ben: Debbie it wasn't meant as a criticism.
Debbie: Well, it sounded like one!
Michael: Don't take it out on Ben. He was just making a suggestion.
Debbie: Fine! And I'll make one to you MYOB. And you got a hell of a nerve ya know, after I do your laundry and I make your dinner.
Michael: You want to spray for termites too?
Debbie: Don't you open a mouth to me young man, And you're not so young, you're old enough to show me respect.
Michael: I do show you respect!
Debbie: By telling your own mother that she's not welcome in your house?
Michael: I never said that.
Ben: He NEVER said that!
Debbie: Well, you can't keep coming over here? How would you like it if I said that to you? Get out of my house ... Believe me, there were plenty of times when I wanted to, when I could have used a little fucking piece and quiet.
Hunter: Hey, can you keep it down, I'm trying to do my homework.
Ben: Hey come on you two!
Debbie: You keep the fuck out of this! But I didn't do it ... because a mother's love knows no bounds!
Michael: Well, I wish it would!
Debbie: So what, you would rather have one of those mothers who doesn't give a crap!
Michael: Well, I can dream can't I?
Debbie: What is that supposed to be, some wise ass comment ...
Woman: I'm Constance Simmons from social services. Are Mr. Bruckner and Mr. Novotny at home?
Michael: It's supposed to be the truth ... just because I'm your son it doesn't give you the right to barge in here any time you want.
Hunter: Oh Shit. Come in.
Ben: Hey would you two take it out on the street?
Debbie: Well maybe you don't fucking remember that I raised you all by myself without any fucking help from anyone!
Michael: How could I not fucking remember! You never let me fucking forget it?
Hunter: Guys ... That's Mr. Bruckner and that's Mr. Novotny. This is the lady from social services.
Michael: Well, it was nice ... while it lasted.
Ben: Look, we don't anything for certain?
Michael: Yeah, we do. The look on Miss Simmons face said it all! Get that kid away from those crazy people immediately.
Hunter: You guys don't have to whisper. I have 20/20 hearing. Think she'll take me with her tonight?
Ben: She can't do that!
Michael: They can do anything they damn well please.
Ben: Getting more upset isn't gonna help.
Michael: Right, I'll get less upset.
Debbie: Hey Ben.
Michael: Jesus Ma!
Debbie: If you want to slam the door in my face, I'll understand.
Michael: Good!
Ben: Hey...hey. Come in Debbie.
Debbie: I haven't been able to eat all day. Not even the mac and cheese at the diner which is my favorite. Look, If I done anything to fuck up your chances to keep that kid, I'll never forgive myself.
Michael: That'll makes two of us.
Ben: It's no more your fault than it is ours. Things just got a little out of ...
Mrs. Simmons: Hello Mr. Bruckner, Mr. Novotny, Mrs. Novotny? What a surprise!
Debbie: Hopefully not as much as last time.
Michael: Mrs. Simmons, I ... I know that when you were here the other night it didn't look like Hunter belonged here. But I want you to know how much Ben and I care about him. And we know we'll be very good foster parents if you just give us a chance.
Mrs. Simmons: Oh, I agree. With all due respect, I have a mother too. We're always going at each other, but that doesn't mean we don't love each other. In fact we wouldn't fight so much if we didn't So, when I come across what I saw here, I know what it is ... cause it's not something I see very often. It's called love.
Michael: That's how Justin wanted it. He insisted it had to be that way.
Debbie: Here are your eggs boys. Whites only, tomatoes, no bread. Cheese omelet, sausages, and a side of pancakes. Jesus Christ! What the hell is that? Upside down it looks like some guys getting his dick stuffed in his mouth.
Michael: Right side up too.
Debbie: Gratuitous man sex is one thing. Personally, I don't mind it.
Michael: We know!
Debbie: But gratuitous violence that's another story.
Ben: Actually, I don't consider it gratuitous. In fact I'd argue that disturbing as these images may be, they are a legitimate expression of every gay mans outrage at being victimized, and therefore can be justified as a passionate and uncompromising work of art.
Debbie: Well maybe so, but he still got his dick stuffed in his mouth!
Michael: Did you mean what you said about it being an uncompromising work of art?
Ben: Absolutely! Every word! And I hope you will be as honest with me about my book. It's OK ... it's OK. I only gave it to you a few days ago. I shouldn't have said anything.
Michael: It's not that. ... I haven't finished reading it. But, as soon as I do.
Ben: Oh.
Michael: I told Ben a lie. A big fat one.
Brian: OK, who'd you fuck?
Michael: No one.
Brian: Oh ... then make it quick.
Michael: I finished his book three days ago, but I told him I'm still reading it.
Brian: That's it? That's the big fat ... no?! A big fat lie is, "I won't cum in your mouth."
Em: Just don't cum on the sofa.
Michael: He wants me to be honest. To tell him what I really think.
Brian: And what do you really think?
Michael: It was kinda boring.
Brian: Kinda like him? He's your partner Mikey. You gotta sit him down, take his hand and tell him ... honey, it's a steaming piece of horse shit.
Michael: Could you say that to Justin?
Brian: Yeah. Fortunately the lads a genius.
Michael: You are so helpful.
Brian: And you're pathetic. If you can't be honest, what kind of relationship do you have?
Em: Cheap.
Brian: Imitation.
Michael: Ben, I finished your book and you made some really interesting choices .... Ben I finished your book, and even though it's a little long in places I'm sure with some editing, its a great read ... especially if you're having trouble sleeping.... Ben, I finished your book and...
Ben: You did?
Michael: Ben, What are you doing here?
Ben: AHHH I was on my way to the gym and so I thought I would poke my head in and say hello. So, you finished it?
Michael: Yeah. And I just want to say that...excuse me Hi Ma, sure Ma, OK Ma, bye Ma.
Ben: So you just want to say?
Michael: Ahh $3.50, One, two, three, forty-five. Come back anytime. We can always use the change.
Ben: About the book?
Michael: All I can say is ... TEDDY!
Ted: Hey, I hope I'm not intrupting?
Ben: Not at all.
Ted: Good, cause ahhh I've got something for each of you. You don't have to read it now.
Ben: Great.
Michael: I'd love to. Hey that's so thoughtful and so brave, and of course we forgive you.
Ted: Thank you guys. Well, I ahh I got kind of a few more of those to deliver. So I guess I'll see you guys later?
Ben: OK! Great. Bye-bye...Now then, the book.
Michael: Right. Ben, I finished your book. And ahh...I loved it!
Ben: So whats you reading Pal?
Hunter: Catcher in the fucking Rye. Ever hear of it?
Ben: Variation there of. What do ya think?
Hunter: I think Holden Caulfield's a fag.
Ben: UMMM HMMM How do you figurer that?
Hunter: The catcher is a bottom right?
Ben: I'm gonna call the dean of Carnegie Mellon tomorrow see if there's a position in the lit department.
Michael: Ready.
Ben: Whoo! Damn! Don't you look hot!
Michael: You look hotter.
Hunter: And where are you two hotties going?
Ben: Dining and dancing. And I want you in bed by 11 o'clock sharp.
Michael: And come give me a kiss, but be careful and don't muss my hair.
Hunter: You two are freaks!
Ben: Hey, now that we're parents, we're allowed to make parent remarks.
Hunter: So, what's the big occasion? Your golden anniversary?
Ben: I just finished my book. And the most important critic gave it a rave review.
Hunter: I thought you said it was a snooze.
Ben: What?
Michael: I never said that. I said I feel asleep. Well, It was late. I was tired.
Ben: Michael, I told you, you could be honest.
Michael: I was honest. Now come, lets get out of here. *pokes his head back in the door and says to Hunter* And you just wait until I get home young man. That's another parent remark!
Michael: Hey what are you doing?
Brian: Thinking.
Ben: In Babylon? That's a first!
Brian: Is it better to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or take arms and by opposing end them?
Michael: Huh?
Ben: Shakespeare.
Brian: An eye for an eye, or turn the other cheek. Fight fire with fire or, do unto others as you would have them do ... you know the rest. So, which is it?
Ben: It depends on the circumstances.
Brian: You're saying there's no such thing as absolute right or wrong. That morality is a merely a matter of circumstance?
Michael: What the fuck are we talking about?
Brian: Say somebody bashes you? And nearly kills you? Does that give you the right to go out and do the same?
Ben: Of course not!
Brian: Why?
Michael: Because two wrongs don't make a right.
Ben: Besides, there are laws.
Brian: But what if the law failed to protect you? What if law don't give a shit! Then what?
Michael: Then I guess you'd have to take the law into your own hands?
Ben: No, no, no violence is never a moral option.
Brian: But doing nothing ... letting someone bash your brains in it is? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all.
Ben: Come on babe, let's dance.
Ben: So ... just for my own curiosity you thought you thought my book was slowwwwww, dull, boring.
Michael: What? I never said that.
Ben: Just for my own curiosity.
Michael: Certain parts, felt a little long. That's all
Ben: Which parts?
Michael: I can't remember?
Ben: AWWWW ... Try.
Michael: It was just an overall feeling.
Ben: Overall, plot? Characters ... theme? What?
Michael: I don't know? I guess sometimes ... I didn't know ... where the story was going.
Ben: Ahh huh?
Michael: And ... I wasn't quite sure what the main character wanted ...
Ben: Ahh huh.
Michael: Or how it was uh all supposed to add up?
Ben: This isn't the time or place to talk about it.
Michael: You're the one who brought it up?
Ben: I never should have asked you to read it in the first place.
Michael: Why do you say that?
Ben: Lets face it, you don't exactly have a literary background.
Michael: Excuse me If I didn't go to Harvard or Yale.
Ben: Not your fault that you're more justice league than ivy league.
Michael: I picked up some chicken extra veggies no potatoes. Are you hungry?
Ben: I'll eat later.
Michael: You working on your book?
Ben: rereading the boring parts.
Michael: I thought this was boring too and it's supposed to be a classic. Lets face it, if I knew the difference between a great book and a lousy one I would have gone to Harvard or Yale instead of going to community college for a couple months.
Ben: I heard from my publisher.
Michael: You did.
Ben: They had a few comments of their own.
Michael: See? That's what you need a professional opinion from people who know what their talking about.
Ben: They felt the main characters motivation was unclear. That the story was overly complex and convoluted. And that thematically it lacked force and focus. So, in other words ... exactly what you said ... so they passed.
Michael: I'm sorry Ben.
Ben: For what? Being honest?
Ben: Just because he says he wants to make it into a movie doesn’t mean it will ever see the light of day.
Michael: I don’t see why not.
Ben: Those guys talk big but see if they deliver.
Hunter: Who’s gonna play Rage?
Michael: Tom Cruise. Brad Pitt.
Hunter: Those geezers? You gotta get Ashton Kutcher.
Michael: Where you going?
Ben: Some of us non-Hollywood types have a faculty meeting in the morning.
Michael: Stay and watch for a few minutes. I’ll sit on your lap.
Ben: I’m sure big-time directors have hundreds of calls and e-mails to answer. He’ll get back to you when he can. That is, if he’s still interested.
Justin: Why wouldn’t he be?
Ben: You know how it is out in Hollywood. They’re hot on something one minute and cold on it the next.
Justin: I’m sure he meant it.
Ben: I’m sure you’re right. What if he turns it into a piece of shit?
Justin: We won’t let him!
Ben: Once you sell it he can do whatever he wants. Make Rage straight.
Ready for lunch?
Justin: We need to get a lawyer.
Michael: For what?
Justin: Keller could turn Rage into a singing warthog and there’s nothing we could do about it.
Michael: What have you been telling him?
Ben: To be careful, that’s all.
Michael: It’s not gonna happen. He told us he loves Rage just the way he is.
Justin: How do we know he’s not just saying that?
Michael: Thank you. Thank you very much, Ben! Now if you don’t mind, I would appreciate it if you would just butt out!
Ben: Be happy to. *He leaves*
Brian: What the fuck happened?
Ben: His heart. His cholesterol was sky high from the meds he was taking.
Michael: No warning, nothing.
Hunter: I thought the meds were supposed to keep you alive.
Ben: It doesn’t always work that way.
Ben: How you holding up?
Michael: I’m not thinking about me right now. I don’t think Ma knows what hit her.
Ben: Brian certainly didn’t help. Insensitive prick!
Michael: The funny thing is, Vic probably would have agreed. When he came back, everybody thought he had a couple of months to live, tops. You should have seen what he looked like.
Ben: Not a pretty picture, I’m sure .
Michael: So whatever time he got was a gift. He was a lot luckier than most.
Ben: That may be true, but it wasn’t Brian’s place to shrug off his death, especially with your mom.
Michael: He shrugs everything off! It’s who he is.
Ben: And you defend him. It’s who you are.
Michael: Look, I don’t need to be told how to respond or what to feel. Certainly not by you, so if that’s why you came up here...
Ben: It’s not. I came to offer my unconditional love and support. To let you know that if there’s anything I can do...
Michael: There is! You can put everything else aside. Because right now, I don’t give a shit about that director ... whatever his name is. All I care about is helping my mom get through this. I just hope I can.
Ben: That can’t be a good sign.
Emmett: And this morning, she was just pacing back and forth in her room.
Hunter: Like Mary Tyrone?
Emmette: Who?
Hunter: Didn’t any of you illiterates ever read Long Day’s Journey Into Night?
Ben: Part of the 10th grade English curriculum.
Michael: Would you show a little respect? It’s my uncle’s funeral. If she doesn’t get her ass down here in two minutes, we’re gonna be late!
Hunter: Like the guy’s gonna give a shit.
Emmett: I’m not sure she’s up for this.
Michael: That makes two of us.
Ben: She wouldn’t miss his funeral.
Michael: Who knows, after the fight they had?
Michael: Uncle Vic was the first person I ever told I was gay. He laughed and said, “Thank God, now your grandmother will have someone else’s soul to pray for.” That’s how he was ... never unsentimental, unlike me. Always facing adversity with a smile and a cynical remark. I’m sure if he saw us here today, he’d say, “What the hell are ya wasting your time on a dead man for? Go get laid! So I just want to say, thank you, Uncle Vic, for everything you’ve taught me. You were a brave man. A good man. Which is all we can ever hope to be.
Michael: What the hell are you doing?
Hunter: Smoking your hidden joint. What the hell does it look like?
Michael: Is that why you didn’t want to come with us to my mom’s? So you could stay here and get stoned?
Hunter: Beats the hell out of eating cold cuts and listening to stories about some old guy I hardly knew!
Michael: That old guy happened to be my uncle.
Hunter: Then you go get all teary-eyed. I prefer having a toke.
Ben: We’re fostering a minor, Michael. If they found out we had pot or any other illegal substances around the house, we could lose him.
Michael: I forgot I even had it. Brian gave it to me for emergencies.
Ben: He obviously went snooping and found it.
*Michael lights the joint,*
Ben: Michael? What are you doing?
Michael: This is an emergency.
Ben: Michael, we can’t tell him not to use drugs if we do it ourselves.
Michael: Course we can! That’s what parenting’s all about.
Hunter: Fucking asshole tripped me! Then he lied and said it was an accident.
Ben: So you hit him?
Hunter: Gotta stand up for yourself.
Ben: And what if he’d made you bleed? Then everyone would need to know you’re positive. Is that what you want?
Hunter: Yeah, that’s exactly what I want.
Ben: Look ... You’ve been doing great, better than anyone expected..
Hunter: Proving what? That hustlers not only can give expert head, they can even write a book report?
Ben: That’s not what I meant. So why would you fuck it up?
Hunter: As if it matters what I get on my SAT scores or if I’m a National Merit Scholar, since I’m gonna end up in a box like Vic.
Ben: Look. Not long ago, the person who infected me died.
Hunter: And you didn’t kill him?
Ben: He was my ex-lover.
Hunter: Shit! You can’t trust anyone!
Ben: The point is ... afterward, I did some pretty self-destructive things.
Hunter: Like what?
Ben: Like taking steroids because I thought they’d make me healthier, but they only did more harm than good. And it didn’t change the fact that I still have this thing inside of me, same as you. But no matter how scared or angry we are, we can’t self-destruct. We can’t let it sabotage our lives.
Hunter: I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about! Dude, I told you. The guy tripped me. That’s all!
Michael: And to top off everything else, you had to get suspended!
Hunter: It’s not like I called in a bomb threat.
Michael: That’s not the point, smart-ass! I’ve got enough shit to worry about without having to worry about you, too!
Hunter: So stop worrying.
Michael: I will worry as much as I goddamn well please. What the hell were you thinking?
Hunter: I wasn’t thinking anything.
Michael: Obviously! *Hunter gets up to go* You are not excused!
Hunter: I’m not gonna sit here and get yelled at!
Michael: If you’d quit acting like an idiot! ...
Ben: Michael, stop.
Michael: Well, that’s all we need is for him to get into trouble!
Ben: Go to your room ... Go.
Michael: He’s got to understand he can’t go around picking fights. And you can’t coddle him!
Ben: I wasn’t coddling him.
Michael: What he could use is some discipline!
Ben: What he can use is some understanding. Look ... I know you’ve got a lot to deal with. But so does he.
Michael: It’s not his uncle who just died. It’s not his mother who’s gone around the bend!
Ben: No, but he’s the one who’s 16, who’s positive, who’s dealing with an HIV-related death for the first time. Try to imagine how terrifying that must be. So if he’s acting out right now, it’s because he’s scared shitless.
Michael: I'm sorry, I didn't think.
Ben: Why should you? You don't have it.
Michael: The least you could do is try and make an appearance!
Hunter: I don’t do the Santa ride. Especially when it’s not even fucking Christmas
Michael: It’s important to her. To respect Vic’s wishes.
Hunter: So what’s she gonna do when I croak? Throw me an Easter egg hunt?
Michael: You’re not gonna croak. You’re gonna be around for a long, long time.
Hunter: How do you know? Answer me!
Michael: I don't.
Hunter: Then don't fucking say anything!
Michael: That’s why it’s important we all live in the now, like Ben says.
Hunter: That’s awesome advice, dude. Ben’s Buddhist bullshit has really inspired me. Well, better get a move on before I run out of now.
Michael: Stop it you know that drives me nuts!
Judge: This court is willing to give you second chance by granting you custody of James.
Hunter: The nights still young. What do say we head to some after hours clubs?
Episode 402
Debbie: What's the matter baby? Tummy ache?
Brian: It's Batman and the new Robin.
Michael: And this is Piston, and Wolfen and Periwinkle, and there's Emmett ... I mean Clearday.
Episode 403
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Episode 404
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Episode 405
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Ben: Suck your own dick motherfucker. This is some pretty strong stuff.
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Episode 406
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Michael: Why’s it so crazy?
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Episode 407
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Emmett: She was up most of the night. I heard her rattling around the kitchen.
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