Disclaimer: Children, what are you doing in here? Get out of here! It features angst, resulting from one man’s love for another. If you don’t like that sort of stuff, or know you are too young for it, how did you find this page anyway? Oh, and I don’t claim to own Jim Ellison or Blair Sandburg, or any of the other recognizable characters; I’m just borrowing them for a little storytelling. They are all owned by UPN and Pet Fly Productions, and they can have them back when I’m done. I promise not to do any permanent damage to the people I don’t own, but everyone else is fair game. I do, however, promise to abuse my overactive sexual imagination. Enjoy.
Days turn to years, and I’m still afraid of how I feel about him. Even after he’s told me that he could care about someone like me - that he does care - I’m still too much of a coward to tell him the truth.
What could I say? “Blair, I love you. I’m a killer.” Nah, too blunt. “Blair, if it weren’t for all the people I’ve killed in my life, I’d feel worthy of you.” How about, “Blair, I only killed all those people because I was under orders to. I didn’t want to, really. I just turned out to be really good at it.” The war. The jungle. Even here in Cascade. My first and only real skill. So, do you still love me, Blair?
Caroline was so proud of all my medals, she never really understood how many people had to fall before I could get those ‘honors.’ But she loved me, in her own way. I know she did. I loved her too, but she couldn’t defeat all my ghosts. They filled our lovely little house until she couldn’t take it anymore. I let her go, because I didn’t want her to become one of them.
Blair likes to dance naked in the loft when I’m not here. I’ve watched him do it. I sit in the truck, and stare through the windows of our apartment. I can hear the wild beat of the drum music in the background as his lithe body whirls around the room, and his beautiful hair bounces and flies around his dazzling face. He’s an excellent dancer.
There’s no room for ghosts in your life when you live with a man like this. They only show up when he’s not there, or when he’s mad at me, because that’s when I get really afraid. I’m afraid that I’ll do something so stupid that one day he’ll just leave and never come back. Or that he’ll decide that he can’t really feel anything for someone like me - not even friendship.
And then there’s the other fear - that it will be my fault that he dies. That I’ll get him killed.
How could I live with myself if Blair ever left me? For any reason?
I couldn’t, of course. Simon would understand, I think. Simon wouldn’t try to force me to hold on. I held on after Caroline; losing Blair would be too much.
What I want is to take Blair, claim him as mine before the entire world. I want to put all my ghosts to rest, just accept that all the events of my life have been leading me to him. That’s what I want.
“Hey, Jim,” Blair calls softly from downstairs. “Are you still awake?”
I pad softly downstairs, noting with some small satisfaction how his breath catches at seeing me. “Yeah. What’s up, Chief?”
He shrugs, and I can hear his curls sweeping gently over his bare shoulders. “I was just gonna make some tea. Do you want any?”
“Will it be real tea, or some exotic tree bark sweetened with bug juice?” I say jokingly, and follow him into the kitchen.
“Hah, hah. You can have some poison if you like, I’m having some rosehips and honey.” He puts the kettle on, and pulls out the tin of teas from all over the world that he has collected in his bright short life.
“That sounds better than rat poison or bug juice and bark. Can I have some too?” He nods, still a little sleepy. “Speaking of hips, you know all that food you eat? Where does it go, ‘cause it’s not on you.”
Blair smiles, but doesn’t turn to face me. “Pure nervous energy, man. I just burn it off as quick as I put it on.”
“Well, then, you better take a break. I can almost see through you - no, wait, I can see through you.”
He turns slightly from the counter, to pull a face at me, then turns back to preparing two mugs of tea.
“No, really, Blair. You are awfully thin.”
“I know, Jim. I’ve always been thin, I just can’t keep weight on.” He’s starting to sound slightly irritated, as if I’m accusing him of something. “I’m always busy.”
“Take a vacation, then. How about a weekend in the mountains, with nothing to do but eat and watch the stars and, for dessert, hot chocolate with extra whipped cream on top?”
One of the mugs goes crashing to the floor, and shatters into about a hundred pieces. Oops.
“I’ll get that,” I offer, and before he can say anything, I kneel down and start picking up the pieces. “Are you okay?”
His eyes are dark, and he’s angry now, really angry. “You are a bastard, Ellison, you know that?”
“Blair- “
“Make your own damn tea,” he snarls, and storms into his room, carefully not slamming the door behind him.
I probably shouldn’t have said that. But it sounded like a good idea at the time. Hell, it still sounds like a good idea.
I’ve decided. I want you, Blair. I’m not letting my past hold me back anymore, and I don’t care who’s in my way. I want you, and I know I can make you mine. I love you, Blair, and I know I can do this. All I have to do is wait.
Next episode: Fallen Angel