Paring: Q/O
Rating: NC-17ish
Category: Angst, drama, A/U
Archive: Master and Apprentice--anyone else ask
please
Summary: Obi-Wan's problems after Naboo lead to some startling discoveries.
Comments: Thanks to the wonderful folks who put up with getting this in pieces over the last few months. I don't know what I'd do without you ladies. By the way, Becky, the line-by-line editing / proofing / cheerleading / character-arguing goddess, you rock!
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone, much less these fine characters--although I own a couple of action figures of them, does that count? Probably not. Oh well, I refuse to make any money off them, and crave feedback as much as Obi-Wan craves Qui-Gon and vice versa.
Haunting Me
by Nicole D'Annais
Copyright 1999
I flipped onto my side for the tenth time in as many minutes. No matter what angle I chose to look at the darkness around me, it didn't help. I tried pounding my pillow, but it didn't relieve the tension that was keeping me awake.
No, it wasn't the tension keeping me awake. It was the memory. The last night before Naboo. We'd spent days arguing, barely speaking, then arguing again. But with the planet fast approaching, and with it the possibility of war, I had decided to try one more time.
It had gotten very late by the time I went to Qui-Gon's quarters. Most of the others on board were asleep, so I met no one in the hall as I stood at the door, hesitating. Finally, the door opened. "Are you going to stand there all night, or did you plan to come in?"
I let that pass; I refused to give in to anger. I was there to make peace. So I entered the room and began my well-rehearsed speech. "Master, I don't wish to argue with you...."
"Then don't." As if it were that simple. He was convinced of the path, so I mustn't question it. Never mind that when it came to seeing the bigger picture, we both knew I was much stronger than he.
"Is it my fault my Master taught me to think for myself? To question others when I believe it's necessary, no matter who they might be?"
One corner of his mouth turned upward; a good sign. "Remind me to give your Master a sound lecture on that."
"As long as you do it in private so no one sees you talking to yourself."
"Obi-Wan...." He sighed, then reached for me and pulled me into his arms. "I've no wish to hurt you."
"Then don't." My voice was muffled by his shoulder, but he heard me.
He loosened his hold, allowing him to look down into my eyes. "Anakin must be trained. I don't know how else to say it."
"He's dangerous. I know it."
"Dangerous or no, to leave him untrained is even worse, especially now."
"But--" My words were cut off with a kiss, not an entirely unwelcome interruption. We had been headed for another fight, and with all that was to come, fighting was not high on my list of preferred activities for the evening.
After a long moment, my master pulled back. "Do you really want to fight?" I shook my head, and he lowered his lips to mine again.
I can't explain what it was like, making love with Qui-Gon. I could try to compare it to other events, but I don't think the description would ever come close to explaining the way it felt. If you took the day I came to the Temple, the day he asked me to be his Padawan, and each day I received a new tie for my braid, and rolled them all into one, it still wouldn't match the feeling. It was like being in the eye of a tornado, warm and calm, but with a frenzied storm caressing my skin to a feverish state, whipping around both of us, but never able to destroy us completely. Nothing could destroy us, not as long as we were together.
Afterwards, we lay there in silence for several minutes, holding each other. I could tell he wanted to say something, but I wasn't willing to start the conversation. I sensed it wouldn't be a good one.
"Obi-Wan..." he said finally, kissing my forehead, "I need you to do a favor for me."
"Yes, Master?"
"The boy *must* be trained."
I tensed and reached for my clothing, hurt that he chose to continue the discussion now, angry that he continued it at all. "That's your opinion."
"That's the truth."
"From your point of view," I said as I yanked on my pants. "That's how you categorized my feelings about the boy's future; why should your feelings about his present be any different?"
"You don't have the connection to the living Force that I do."
I turned to face him, boots in hand. "And you don't have the connection to the future that *I* do," I snapped. "I may be a mere Padawan, not anywhere near the level of a great Jedi Master, but maybe, just maybe, once in a while, I could be right. Think about that," I added before I whirled away and left the room, ignoring his voice as he called after me.
I spent the rest of the night in my quarters, shields as tight as I could get them, refusing to reach out to the Force even a little, lest he try to contact me. He didn't go so far as to come to my room, but then if he'd tried other methods to reach me, he would have known right away I had no desire to speak to him.
If I'd only known....
At least I had the sense to apologize the next day. Our conversation in the swamps of Naboo has been a slight comfort every day since then. If he had died without that, I'm not sure I could have stood it. Some days I barely could as it was.
Still, that last night haunted me. But lying awake, thinking about it, was better than sleep. In sleep, the one memory I would just as soon forget couldn't be kept at bay. The memory of the Sith's saber slicing through Qui-Gon's body, of my own attempts at healing him until I passed out from the strain.
And of waking up in a med bay. Alone. With my Master's presence nowhere to be found.
So I tossed and turned. I agonized over decisions I couldn't change. And I waited for the nightmare to end.
***
When I finally gave up on sleep, meditation cleared my mind enough for me to practice a few katas without losing concentration. I'd found over the previous year that it was possible to exist on very little sleep, if all you're doing is just existing. It doesn't take much energy to follow rules, follow a code, and let your training guide you. Automatic pilot is easy.
Even if you're training a padawan. I suppose Anakin deserved better than a master on automatic pilot, but I couldn't help it. He was a quick learner, and I'd drilled him well, so he was finally as skilled as the other students his age in many areas. But even I could tell that the fatherly warmth the boy wanted wasn't there. I didn't have it to give.
I realized how late it had gotten and went to wake Anakin, only to find him already in the process of making his bed. "Good morning, Master."
"Good morning, Padawan. Are you ready for the test?"
"I'm not sure. What exactly is this test?" I shrugged, which only increased his frown. "Didn't you have to go through a test at one year?"
I didn't answer directly. I knew he already felt out of place at the Temple; to find out he was one of the few to undergo a full-Council evaluation after one year as an apprentice would have done more harm than good. "The Council will decide how best to test you. I know little more than you do at this point."
If he suspected anything out of the ordinary, he didn't let on. He simply followed me out of our quarters and through the hallways until we reached the Council chambers. We waited silently for several minutes until Anakin was called into the room. "Aren't you coming?" he asked me.
"I'm to wait here."
He paused for a heartbeat, then squared his shoulders and walked into the room. As the door closed, I allowed myself a small smile. It was his way of dealing with situations that scared him. And I knew the Council would see right through it.
The test didn't take long. When I joined them in the chambers I was informed only that he had performed well, and that I was doing an admirable job. Of course, coming from the Council that was high praise.
I assumed we would be dismissed after that, but I was wrong. "How feel you, Obi-Wan?"
While I might have tried telling some of the others I was just fine, I learned at a very young age that one does not lie to Master Yoda. He will make you regret it, no matter how old you are. "I am tired, Master, but well."
His eyes narrowed to thin slits in his round face. "Not so well, I think. Rest you could use, yes?"
Before I could answer, Master Mace spoke up. "Obi-Wan, I think young Anakin would benefit from spending some time with a council member. I would like to train with him today."
I nodded my approval, even though he didn't actually need it. "Anakin, I'll meet you in the dining hall at the dinner hour?" My apprentice nodded, and I left, wandering the halls until I ended up back at my room by habit.
Out of respect for Master Yoda's opinion, I took off my robe and lay down on the bed. But sleep did not come; as I knew it wouldn't. I couldn't sleep on a normal day, so why would I be able to sleep today? That the Council recognized this did not surprise me. That they went out of their way to try to make it easier did. It was not the Jedi way to dwell on such things.
Not that I cared. I should have felt embarrassed, at the least, that they needed to take care of my apprentice for a day because I was unable. I should have felt gratitude at the kindness. I should have felt something.
But I didn't. I hadn't really felt anything in a long time. Not for one year to the day. Not since I woke up alone in a med bay on Naboo.
From that moment on, I'd felt practically nothing.
***
Sleep never came, but the dinner hour did. I rose, attempted to at least make myself appear more rested, and headed off to the dining hall. Anakin was waiting for me at the door with Master Mace, who thanked me for my padawan's company and left. Anakin and I sat down to eat, and I listened dutifully while he told me what he'd learned, filing the information away in the back of my mind without really processing it.
"Master...."
The hesitation in Anakin's tone caught my attention, and I made myself focus. "Yes, Padawan?"
"I was wondering...do you know what today is?"
I froze. I hadn't expected the question, and I didn't want to talk about it. But he was my student. My responsibility. "Yes, Anakin, I do."
He shrugged, barely able to meet my eyes. "I wasn't sure if...if we should do something?"
I hadn't felt anything. But now I felt a pain in my chest, like a fissure ripping my heart. Anakin had known Qui-Gon for a very short time, and yet he wanted to remember. I had known him half my life, and all I wanted was to forget.
But then Anakin had only lost a friend and a possible mentor. I felt like I had lost the rest of my life.
It seemed to be a hard decision. I could put him off and say the Jedi didn't do special remembrances for their dead. It was true enough--we did not honor them with special ceremonies, for they were one with the Force. They were supposed to be all around us, although I'd found no proof of that.
Or I could help him remember his friend. My master. My love.
The crack in my heart grew, but along with the pain came the remembrance of the pleasure. The happiness.
The decision wasn't so hard after all.
"Come on, Ani, let's go."
***
We went back to our quarters, where I searched the closet for a trunk I had packed away upon returning from Naboo and not looked at since. In the bottom I found candles that had me fighting back tears. They were just pieces of wax with string through the middle. And yet the sight and smell of them brought back memories so strong I wasn't sure I could handle it.
I fought the emotion, tempering it until it became manageable. I was almost surprised I could do that after a year of not allowing myself to feel anything. I put the candles on a low table in our living area and reached for a match.
On one of my visits to my family as a child, someone in the community had died. I have no recollection of who it was, but I remember the ceremony we attended very clearly.
The town leader lit several candles, and spoke about the deceased townsman with great admiration. Several other town members rose to share their memories, and while there was more than one person crying by the time it was through, everyone seemed so much happier at the same time.
Later that night, before bed, I asked my mother why it made them so happy to cry. She told me it was their way of letting the person go and still holding onto the memories. That the tears washed away the pain and left the good things behind.
It was an explanation for a child. But as in all children's tales, there was an element of truth to it. I hoped that the ceremony, or at least our version of it, would wash away some of the pain. Having the memories back instead of locked away would be worth it.
***
"Good, good, Anakin. Now let the saber hang looser when you go to the side. No, that's too tight. You need to be loose. Get too tight and you'll--"
"Ow!" Anakin shut off his lightsaber and let out a few Huttese curses that were unbecoming of a Padawan his age.
I moved in to examine the damage. "Ouch. It's not that bad, but I think the healers should have a look."
One of the senior healers looked at the wound briefly before pronouncing it to be rather minor and shuffling us off to an apprentice healer. Anakin rolled his eyes at me in silent commentary on the healer's attitude, a display I chose to ignore for now, despite the disrespect it showed. Humor was a good way to combat pain if you had no other methods. The reminder not to do it again could wait.
"Somehow I knew I'd see you in here one day."
I looked up, frowning until I recognized the woman. "Dara! How have you been?"
"Good. It's good to see you. How long has it been?"
"About thirteen years, I would guess. I haven't seen you since before I became a Padawan."
"And now here you are, a Knight."
"And you a healer. Quite a surprise."
Dara shrugged. "Apprentice healer at the moment. I've just finished training in the Outer Rim, and I hope to be made a full healer soon."
"Good for you." I turned back to my apprentice. "Anakin, this is Dara Stahn. Dara, this is my Padawan, Anakin Skywalker. We were training and his arm had an unfortunate run-in with a lightsaber."
"Let me take a look." She kneeled down to examine his burn, then went to work on it, healing it quickly. "All set," she told him as she stood. "Ready to go take on that lightsaber again, I bet?"
Anakin nodded, but I thought better of trying that particular exercise again today, given his fatigue. The two of us had stayed up late after our impromptu ceremony to honor Qui-Gon. We'd talked about him at first, then everything but him as we both locked our memories behind a cage, somewhere we could still see them, but they couldn't do much damage. Then we both went off to try to sleep.
Sleep had still been elusive, and I realized it showed when Dara stopped me before we could leave. "Anakin, give this to the lady over there," she said as she handed him a datapad. He gave her a sharp look, then on my nod, did as he was told.
"Obi-Wan...I heard about what happened...with Qui-Gon. I'm sorry."
My shields slammed up automatically. "Thanks." Even to my own ears I sounded cold.
"Look, it's been a year. You're exhausted, and from what I hear, you're barely functional these days."
Did they suddenly have a bulletin board posted somewhere with my daily health status? "You've been busy since you got back if you've gathered all that information about me. One might wonder where you've found the time to heal people."
"Healing is what I'm trying to do. Or help with, at any rate. You can't go on like this. You're killing yourself. And you'll be no good to the boy if you're dead."
I could have told her I'd finally realized I had to deal with this last night. I could have told her Anakin seemed to be doing fine the way things were. I could have told her a lot of things. But the information was none of her business. "Thank you for your advice," was all I said, and this time the coldness in my tone was intentional.
She sighed, and before she could start in again, I called to Anakin and ushered him out of the room, bidding her a polite, reserved goodbye on my way out the door.
***
Dara's 'advice' had left me with excess energy, anger I hadn't quite managed to channel into the Force, but hadn't wanted to take out on her. She was trying to help; it wasn't her fault I refused her assistance. "Anakin, how would you like to sit and watch an exercise instead of doing one?"
"All right!" he said as we both picked up our pace on the way to the training room. Once we were there, I made sure he was seated at a safe distance and performed one of the most difficult katas I knew. It required intense concentration and focus, and a great amount of energy.
By the time I was finished, I was exhausted. Anakin was suitably impressed, and didn't argue when I suggested we call it a day. We ate in our quarters. I managed to stay awake on the couch until my apprentice went to bed. Only then was I able to drag myself over to my own room and fall into the bed, allowing sleep to claim me immediately.
***
Over the next week I used physical exhaustion as a way to force myself to sleep. It only worked until the dreams began, and then I would be awake again. But at least it allowed me a couple of hours of sleep. That was something.
It was a relief when Anakin and I were sent on a mission to Jurla, a planet that had recently been devastated by a storm. Rain, combined with fatal winds, had managed to destroy homes in various areas all over the planet. Thousands had been killed, and many of those still alive were without homes and had limited food and supplies.
I was hoping the distraction of a mission would help me. I wanted to move on. I needed to move on. Unfortunately, part of me refused to do so. As soon as we boarded the ship, however, I had the feeling distraction would not be allowed.
"Obi-Wan! Good to see you again."
"Dara." I managed to smile, or at least give some facsimile of a smile. "I didn't know you would be on this mission."
"We received the orders this morning, same as you I would imagine."
"We?"
"Me, my Master, and two other Master Healers."
I nodded. "Who else is on board?"
"Olak, Master Hurn, and Ka'ar Rall."
"Ka'ar's master isn't coming along?"
"He passed his trials days ago, didn't you hear?"
"I must have missed it."
Her face grew serious. "I'm not surprised, the way you've been wandering around in a daze."
I turned to Anakin, intent on getting him out of here before I said anything else. "Please take our things to our room." I waited until he was gone before I turned back to Dara. "Have I suddenly become your personal project?"
"Look, Obi-Wan, I'm just trying to help."
"Save your help for the people on Jurla. They need it. *I* do not." I left quickly before she could start in on me again. I was beating myself up just fine; I didn't need any assistance.
***
The mission went well, and distracted me, but not as much as I'd hoped. Especially not with Dara around, giving me those looks, trying to make me deal with my feelings. I knew I had to deal with them. And I would. After the mission.
Eventually there was little more we could do, so we left. I couldn't wait to get back to Coruscant, where I could put plenty of distance between me and my new external conscience. Anakin was excited about having been on a successful mission, and didn't seem to notice the tension whenever Dara was around, for which I was grateful. Her presence was annoying enough; if I'd had to endure questions about her when she wasn't around it would have been too much.
We were only one day from Coruscant when disaster struck. An engine malfunction that led to an extremely rough emergency landing. I cursed my luck--at this rate, I'd never be rid of Dara.
That thought in mind, Anakin and I went straight to Ka'ar, who'd been piloting the ship, and offered our help with repairs. We were working on the hull the next morning when Dara approached.
"Think we'll get going soon?"
"If we're able to work without distraction," I replied, keeping my attention on my work.
Anakin had been searching through our tools, but now he turned to me. "We're missing the wrench I need. I'll see if Ka'ar has one."
I nodded reluctantly, unwilling to have my one buffer from Dara's questions disappear. But we had to repair the ship. As soon as Anakin was out of sight, Dara started. "You look horrible."
"Thank you. Hard work has a way of making one dirty."
"No, I mean tired. Exhausted."
"Dara, I just spent three weeks helping a planet rebuild. There wasn't a lot of time for sleep."
"Like you were sleeping much before that?"
I caught the skin on my left hand with the tool in my right and cursed. "Look...." My voice was as patient as I could get it, considering I was about to explode. "I know you mean well. But your interference is as unnecessary as it is unwelcome."
She had the grace to look a bit ashamed, but not to quit entirely. "I'm sorry, but--"
"No buts, unless it's in the form of a 'butt out.'"
"But--"
"I said no."
"Look, you're a nice guy. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and I just hate seeing you so wasting away, killing yourself, over a l--" she stopped suddenly, then shook her head. "Never mind."
She couldn't meet my eyes anymore. Something wasn't right. "Over a what?"
"I should let you get back to work," she said as she took a few steps away from me.
First she was so eager to talk, and now she wanted to get away? Suddenly I was very interested in chatting. "Over a what?"
"It was nothing. Forget it."
"Dara, what's going on?"
"Ka'ar had the wrench," Anakin called out as he turned the corner. "I think we should be done with this section soon."
I looked over at him. "Excellent." The sooner we got back home, the better. When I turned back to Dara, she was gone.
***
We were on our way again that night. Anakin was exhausted from working on the ship, and fell asleep easily, but I was not that lucky. I needed to exercise. Maybe then I could sleep.
Most of the ship was asleep, so I headed for the common room. It was large enough to allow me freedom of movement, and I wouldn't be likely to disturb anyone at this hour.
Of course it was just my luck that Dara found me before I'd even started the kata. "Obi-Wan. I've been looking for you."
"There's a surprise," I muttered. "What can I do for you?"
"Listen, I know you're annoyed with me." Ah, so she did have some perceptive abilities after all? "But whatever you think, I'm doing this because I just hate to see you hurting. We were friends once, and I'd like to think we could be again now."
"Friends don't keep things from friends."
For a moment I thought she was going to pretend she didn't know what she meant, then she nodded. "I may be a friend, but I serve the Jedi first and foremost. Such a thing is hard to just toss aside."
That made no sense. Not that badgering her was likely to get me anywhere. So I tried a new tactic. "You want to know why I'm so tired?"
"You feel like talking about it?"
"Sure. Why not? It's not as if *not* talking about it has gotten me anywhere. I lie awake at night, reliving the last night Qui-Gon was alive. Then I finally fall asleep and relive his death. So I wake up, lie there and relive the last night all over again. It is an endless cycle, it is painful, it is mind-numbing, and it is exhausting."
The admission hurt so much I was shaking, but I somehow *knew* that whatever she wasn't telling me was something I had to know. I needed to know, no matter what the cost. When she didn't speak, I continued. "I'm not sure which is worse, the memory, or the nightmare. But I am sure that it's preferable to be alone, where I don't have to answer questions, or act like everything's just fine. Because it's not."
A couple of tears slid down her cheeks, but she didn't start crying in earnest. Instead, she did the unexpected. She leaned up and kissed me on the cheek, then moved her lips to my ears and whispered words that changed my life yet again.
"Qui-Gon's not dead."
Before I could say anything she kissed me on the mouth, effectively stifling the scream of "What?!" that would have made its way out a moment later. I pulled her off me, but she immediately put her fingers to my lips.
"Not here." The warning was clear in her eyes, but I wasn't that easily put off. I didn't care if there were three cameras in the room and the entire Council was watching. I wanted an answer and I wanted it now.
"Where, then?"
She looked around, then seemed to realize there was nowhere else. If the ship was outfitted with surveillance equipment, no room would be safe. So she kissed my cheek again, trailing kisses up to my ear, where she whispered the information. "I saw him almost a year ago, after Naboo, ill, but alive. That's all I know."
With that, she pulled away, intent on leaving. I stopped her, but she shook her head. "That's all."
"We'll talk tomorrow," I promised as I let her go. I wasn't going to stop until I found out exactly what was going on. If she was lying, then why? It was cruel and heartless, on top of being dishonest. What would she stand to gain by it? And if it was true...then I wouldn't stop until I found Qui-Gon. And answers.
***
Dara managed to stay out of my sight until we got off the ship the next morning. I went looking for her at the Temple, but either she had other Jedi covering for her---an almost unheard of feat--or she was steering clear of everyone to avoid me. It was obvious she wouldn't be found until she wanted to be.
I was in a foul mood by the time I returned to my quarters. Anakin was reading in the main room, but when I arrived he put down the reader and stood. "Can I do something for you, Master?"
I shook my head, then reconsidered. "Why don't you go get your lightsaber? We'll practice defensive moves."
"Yes, sir!" Anakin hurried toward his room, then stopped. "I almost forgot," he said as he turned back and held out a folded piece of paper. "There's a message for you."
I nodded, reaching for the note, but waiting until he left before opening it. I wasn't really surprised to see it was from Dara. Paper was rather scarce on Coruscant. Datapads and computers were preferred. Unless you didn't want an electronic trail of your message. And she'd obviously felt a need for secrecy about this...whatever this was she'd pulled me into.
Opening my mind to accept any possibilities, I read the note.
Obi-Wan,
I cannot in good conscience leave you wondering without the last bit of information I have. His ship was headed for Taleux. The attempt to wipe my memory of knowledge of his survival failed, and I could be thrown out of the order on my ear for not reporting that. Never mind what they'd do to me if they knew I told you. But I could not keep quiet.
Please be careful. There are strange currents in the Force surrounding this entire affair, and the whole thing makes me nervous.
My Master and I leave today for a mission that may take some time, so it will likely be a while before I see you again.
May the Force be with you.
Dara
This page owned and maintained by Nicole D'Annais. | Last updated 12/5/99. |