Series: None (so far)
Author's Website: carodee.popullus.net
Season/Episode: DC Canon Episode 1: Command
Rating: Mild NC-17
Pairings: Jack/Daniel, Daniel/everyone hinted, Daniel/Teal'c hinted, Jim/Blair hinted
Category: Slash, Humor, Parody, AU

Summary: When the gate was first opened, SG-1 found a whole different universe out there, running by different rules. Wars were won in the bedroom, not the battlefield. Fortunately, SG-1 is nothing if not adaptable.

Author's notes: This is a parody of Command by WoD/Night Spring, inspired by a suggestion from Hana, cheerfully ripped off (with permission) and warped by Caro Dee.

"You heard me, Daniel," Jack returned calmly, noting that even in his shock Daniel was gaping seductively. He'd taught the younger man well.

"Are you out of your mind? That's... that's..." Daniel flailed gracefully, failing to find words to sufficiently express his outrage.

"It's time to face facts, Daniel. This is a game for younger men."

"Youth can't replace your experience, your skill, your sheer inventiveness, Jack," Daniel glared at him. "I'm not worthy to fill your jockstrap and you know it."

"I think you are," Jack stated firmly, readjusting himself at the thought of Daniel in a jockstrap. "I've watched you at work, Daniel. Hell, I've felt you at work," Jack leered, and Daniel instinctively winked back before remembering he was annoyed with Jack. "You can handle this."

"Wha... what about Teal'c?" Daniel flung a hand towards the studly Jaffa. "He's tall, dark, and handsome. He knows the enemy's style and can counter it. He's got the mysterious, silent aura of sexiness. He..."

"I have a mighty staff," Teal'c pointed out proudly.

Both Jack and Daniel rolled their eyes. "Yeah, sure, Teal'c," Jack agreed. "Your staff is a mighty fine ride and it's saved our asses many times. But this command requires a certain... finesse that Daniel has."

Teal'c sniffed and went back to brooding with that lowered gaze that challenged the onlooker to conquer him, with a sidedish of 'you will fail and enjoy it, Tau'ri scum'.^{Jaffa TM}

Jack enjoyed the view a moment and then turned back to Daniel. "Actually, with the way we keep running through SG team leaders, I'm tempted to give Teal'c his own SG unit... if he'd only agree."

Daniel blanched in shock. "But Jack!" Daniel sputtered, "You can't do that! We've lost Sam, and if you take away Teal'c, that's, that's..."

"Daniel," Jack said. "I wish Sam hadn't gotten knocked up either, but what's done is done. Things change. You have to mix things up, keep it lively, or even the raunchiest act grows stale. Everybody wants a little variety. This is basic SG-101 training material."

"Yes, I know, but..."

"In any case, Teal'c's refused."

Daniel looked up in surprise. "You did?" he asked Teal'c.

"Indeed," said Teal'c. "While it is a great honor, my wish is to serve under you. The entire galaxy desires your manly beauty and pursues you relentlessly. Never have I been so thoroughly laid as I have while at your side. I am content."

Daniel was deeply touched. Teal'c was referring to his title of 'Slut of the Universe' and hadn't he worked like a dog to rip that out of the greedy clutches of Apophis, all with Teal'c's generous help. He made a note to waylay him later and properly express his gratitude in the manner Teal'c would most appreciate.

Jack took advantage of Daniel's momentary sentimentality to continue. "Now, for your new team members..." He reached out, snagged two videos off his desk and offered them to Daniel.

Daniel took the videos eagerly. He loved viewing the audition tapes for SG-1, watching the candidates XXX their little hearts out.

"Wait a minute, Ellison?" Daniel stared at the video titles in disbelief: Danger, Zoned and Guide to Sex. "You're assigning Ellison and Sandburg to SG-1??"

"Thought you liked Sandburg?" Jack queried reasonably.

"Well, yes. Blair's a sexy little sweetheart and what he can do with that hair..." All three men sighed dreamily, remembering Blair and his hair. Daniel came out of it first. "But, Jack, he's not properly trained. He's an amateur. Gifted, certainly, but..."

Jack pursed his lips. "I'll grant you it's not the orthodox Sexgate training, but he's had over ten years of Tantric experience and there was that one summer he worked as a stripper in college."

"Okay," Daniel had to admit that probably qualified Blair. "But Ellison? Ellison?? The man's got a stick up his ass and it's not a butt plug."

"Well," Jack said, with a definitive snap of his neck. "You want Sandburg, you take Ellison. They're a package deal. Remember?"

"Yes, but... Ellison???"

"Don't sweat it, Daniel," Jack said, almost kindly. "The man's a sentinel -- extra touchy-feely. He can read and respond to people on an instinctive level. I really think he'll surprise you."

Daniel pouted, hoping to distract Jack with his lower lip, but Jack merely smiled appreciatively and ended the meeting. Daniel sat there and watched Teal'c's magnificent ass strut off. Even that amazing sight failed to cheer him up.

Jack pulled Daniel into a comforting embrace and groped his pert behind. "I know you can do this, my little sexmonkey."

Daniel plastered himself against Jack like a sex-starved limpet. "I don't want you to retire from fieldwork, Jack."

Jack shook his head regretfully. "I'm just not up to it anymore, Danny."

Daniel lifted his head from where he was licking Jack's ear and said, wistfully, "There's always Viagra."

"Nah. That stuff works great when you're on a schedule, but sometimes emergencies come up spontaneously and if I can't, well then... there's a good chance the Goa'uld will win."

"I know," Daniel whispered miserably. "I just don't want to go out there without you to watch my back."

Jack smiled and ground his hips encouragingly against Daniel. "Hey now, who's the biggest slut in the galaxy?"

Daniel grinned reluctantly. "I am."

"Damn right, and don't you forget it." Jack kissed Daniel with the competence and skill of a highly-trained Sexgate officer, but the warmth came from a man in love.

Daniel returned the kiss passionately and then pulled back to gaze deeply into his eyes. "Jack? Would you mind? I mean, I could really use another training session."

"I thought you'd never ask, Danny boy," Jack quipped and toppled Daniel backwards onto the large, silk-sheeted bed that was standard equipment in all the offices and meeting rooms. They both waved at the camera in the ceiling transmitting their training session down to the mess hall where all the SGC personnel could benefit from their example. Then they forgot their audience and focused solely on the delightful task of blowing each other's brains out.

General Jack stood there and watched the SG-1 team as they waited for the Sexgate to open. All four men were tanned and oiled and dressed in the distinctive Tau'ri uniform of black muscle shirt and camos, recognized and welcomed throughout the galaxy. He had to admit they looked good, even Ellison and Sandburg looked like pros waiting for the next customer. Jack cracked his neck and told himself to relax. Sure, the Gao'uld were skanks and hos, not above cheating to seduce their allies, but the galaxy was slowly learning, one orgasm at a time, that nobody beat the Tau'ri for a good time. His boys would do them proud.

"SG-1," Jack said. "You have a go."

Daniel turned halfway up the ramp to blow Jack a kiss. Then the four men straightened up, stuck out their tushes and sashayed proudly up to and through the Glory Hole of the Universe.

Jack swallowed proudly as they disappeared and the Sexgate closed down. Those men were the finest Earth had to offer. He had no doubts they'd have a successful mission. He just wished he were still going out with them. Looking around at the available personnel, he made an executive decision. "Hey Walter. You want a training session?"