by Amy B
Now that he could look at their relationship with a degree of objectivity,
he noticed the small signs—moments of doubt, pangs of insecurity—that
maybe the two of them weren't meant to be a forever thing. But at the time,
he'd certainly thought so. Li Ann's telling him that she wasn't ready for
marriage came as quite a surprise to him. He wished that she'd come to that
conclusion before he proposed, but at least he hadn't been dragged through
a messy divorce—just a sad little "I'm sorry. It's not you. It's me."
Yeah, right, whatever. Like he hadn't heard that one before.
Victor laughed quietly as he remembered the look on her face when he barged
into Mac's apartment, chastising the man for leaving his bed prematurely.
He hadn't known that Li Ann was there, and when he did notice her standing
in the kitchen listening, wide-eyed and speechless, he'd almost died of
embarrassment. It was a couple of days later—after spending almost the
entire weekend in bed with Mac—that he saw the humor in the situation.
After a rather uncomfortable Monday morning conversation, she'd taken it
fairly well that her two male partners, each one a former lover of hers, had
begun a sexual relationship with each other.
And what a relationship it was. If someone had told Victor a year ago that
he'd be happily making love with Mac Ramsey every chance he got, that
someone would have been picking their teeth up off the floor. The
impulse —the desire for Mac—had been there all along, but Victor had
never thought he had a chance so he'd sublimated it with cutting comments
and competitiveness. On the surface, he'd been competing with Mac for Li
Ann's attention, but it was just as possible that he'd been trying to draw
Mac's attention away from Li Ann and onto himself.
Changing lanes to pass a slow moving car, Victor sang along with the radio
for a minute or two and then hummed to himself when the song ended and an
advertisement for a local nightclub came on. The nightclub was new and
supposedly on the cutting edge of cool right now. He wondered if Mac might
like to go to there sometime. Probably, he thought. Mac loved places like
that—crowded with people, loud music, flashing lights. All the things
that Victor found nerve wracking in one convenient location. If Mac wanted
to go there, Victor would go and he'd have a good time making Mac happy,
because after the music and the dancing and crowds, Mac would take Victor
home and make him happy... very happy...
scream-his-throat-raw-and-rip-the-sheets-off-the-bed happy.
Victor shifted in his seat, and rolled the window down. He was on his way
to work, and it wouldn't do for him to be aroused when he got there. He
would be very uncomfortable if he allowed his body to react to the images of
Mac that his mind kept throwing at him. Images of what all Mac would do to
Vic, if only Victor would ask. Leaning his head against the window frame,
Victor allowed the rush of cool morning air to wash the heat from his
cheeks. He tried to think of something besides Mac. Think about hockey or
baseball, instead of Mac's mouth—all sweet breath, luscious lips, and
sarcastic remarks.
When he really considered it, Victor was surprised that Mac was such a good
kisser. It had been his experience that the really beautiful people just
didn't try as hard to please their partners. They were so used to being
universally adored that they seemed to expect lovers to please them just
for the privilege of having their beauty. Li Ann had unconsciously been
that way to a minor degree, but not Mac. He threw himself into everything
he did, and kissing was no exception. When Mac had his lips on Victor, Vic
never had to wonder about what else might be going through Mac's mind. He
was totally focused on his lover, and he truly enjoyed kissing in and of
itself and not as a necessary means to an end.
Victor licked his lips and thought about the night last week when he'd come
home to find Mac sprawled on his couch, muttering dire threats against
Dobrinsky and all his five hundred cars. Victor knew the Director's right
hand man didn't have that many cars, but it must have seemed like it to Mac
who'd spent the afternoon washing, waxing, and vacuuming them. He'd
complained vociferously that he was a full agent now and didn't deserve such
menial punishment for such a minor infraction as insulting Dobrinsky's
favorite football team. But with the Director out of the office, Dobrinsky
was in charge and his word was law, so Mac had been too exhausted to do more
than snuggle. After Victor had rubbed Mac's sore muscles with liniment, the
two men had watched television and made out like teenagers on the couch,
kissing for hours until Mac had finally fallen asleep in Victor's arms.
Noticing he was quickly approaching his exit, Victor straightened up and
concentrated on his driving and put the distracting thoughts of his lover
out of his mind. He listened to the traffic report on the radio and spit
out a curse. A massive traffic jam caused by an overturned truck meant he'd
have to take a circuitous route to get to the Agency headquarters. He was
already running late because he'd spent the night at Mac's place without
planning ahead and bringing a change of clothes with him; he'd had to go by
his apartment this morning for fresh clothes. A shower shared with Mac had
further delayed him. Although the pleasure they'd also shared made being
late worth the trouble he'd surely get into, Victor decided that it might be
a good idea to keep some clothes at Mac's apartment for just such occasions.
He'd tell Mac to bring a couple of suits over to his place too. Nothing
major, a few shirts, some casual clothes for the weekends...
Once he was off the highway, Victor rolled up to a stop sign, carefully
looking both ways before proceeding. What was he thinking? The clothing
exchange was the start of a slippery slope. It would start innocently
enough with one change of clothes and before they knew it, someone would
utter those fateful words, "This is ridiculous. We might as well move in
together." And then he'd be caught in the net like a hapless dolphin. Was
he ready for that? He and Mac already spent an inordinate amount of time
together outside of work.
Victor tried to imagine what life with Mac would be like. A cleaning lady
would be a necessity unless Victor wanted to take the job because Mac was
not a naturally neat person. Victor's eight tracks, cassettes, and albums
would be sharing shelf space with Mac's CD's of that weird caterwauling that
the younger man called music. His jeans and work shirts would be crowded
out of the closet by expensive designer suits. He'd sleep next to a warm
body every night without having to make any prior arrangements and without
the "your-place-or-mine" discussion. He'd wake up to Mac's grumbling until
he got that first cup of coffee and then the brilliant smile when the
caffeine kicked in. Victor would also have the privilege of identifying
himself as part of a couple again. He and Mac were trying to keep a low
profile right now, which meant trying to act like they barely tolerated each
other at work. Obviously, Li Ann knew because they had told her. The
Director knew because of her penchant for spying on her agents, but no one
else at The Agency knew as far as Victor was aware. No one treated him or
Mac any differently than they had before the two men became lovers.
Imagining what life without Mac would be like was very easy. Victor had
many years of experience to draw on—lonely years of revolving
relationships, hoping that each new lover would be the one and hurting
when each one became an ex-lover. After Li Ann, his expectations had
lowered to the point where he was willing to settle for nearly anything,
just so he wouldn't be alone anymore. He said a little prayer of thanks
that Mac had come along when he did, returning his feelings and giving him
what he needed. With Mac, the only "settling" Victor considered doing was
"settling down". He snickered at the sappy thought, and turned the radio up
a notch.
One kilometre more and he'd be at work, and he'd have to treat Mac like any
other nuisance. What Victor really wanted to do was grab him and kiss him
and drag him into the restroom to see if he'd bothered with underwear today.
He'd rushed out of Mac's apartment that morning leaving the younger man
wrapped in his bathrobe, still dripping from the shower. Victor's breath
hitched in his chest as he remembered the look of unbridled affection in
Mac's warm dark eyes as he'd kissed Victor goodbye.
The bluesy rock music coming from the radio perfectly matched the hard
pounding of Victor's heart as he pulled into the Agency parking lot.
Ignoring the fact that he was late for work, he let the truck idle for a
moment as the song played on, evoking memories of hot wet kisses drawing
patterns of fire across his skin and images of long limbs tangled together
in silky soft sheets. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply to quell the
arousal easing through him like the leisurely crawl of molten lava. He
couldn't go inside and face his coworkers with an erection threatening the
zipper of his jeans, so he tried to think of anything besides Mac or sex.
He focused on the song playing on the radio, letting the music wash over him
but also paying attention to the lyrics. He groaned in frustration as every
single word made him think of Mac, the one subject he was trying to avoid.
He turned off the radio and then the truck with three thoughts in mind.
One, he was going to take Mac away for a private intimate lunch, even if he
had to kidnap him. Second, he was going to stop on his way home and buy the
CD with that song on it, so he could play it while making love to Mac. And
the third thought on his mind was telling Mac he loved him.
n a surprisingly good mood, Victor hummed along with the radio as he
accelerated out of the entrance ramp and onto the 401. The song currently
playing always made him think of Li Ann, but it was a good memory now
instead of the slightly bitter feeling he'd gotten after their break up.
She loved this band, and he'd surprised her with a trip to Montreal for a
concert one weekend. Even though it hadn't been his kind of music, he'd had
a great time just because it had made Li Ann so happy. He'd often done
things that he didn't enjoy on their own merits just to make her smile.
