The slice of pizza that Mulder was lifting to his mouth almost fell out of
his hand. He looked up at the other man, blinking twice.
"What?"
"Are you ashamed of..."
"I heard you, I just don't know why you'd ask that."
Ignorning his own pizza, Alex lifted one shoulder and let it drop. His eyes
shifted down to his knee, studying the worn denim dispassionately. "Been
thinking about it."
"Why?"
"I don't know, I...we've been together for almost seven months now, and
you've yet to tell Scully about us and...we never leave your apartment."
"W...where do you want to go?"
"Out. Dinner. A movie. Something."
Long silence.
"I haven't found the right time to tell Scully."
"There'll never be a right time."
"There will."
"No, there won't. Because you'll never look for one." Alex rose to his feet
and walked over to the window, looking down into the dark street. "I know what
I was, but..."
"So do I," Mulder interrupted.
"But you're not comfortable with it. You never will be." Alex shook his head.
"This isn't working. It...it can't work."
Mulder pushed himself off of the sofa and came up behind the other man.
"Alex...what are you saying? Where the hell is this coming from?"
"I'm saying...I'm saying I think we need to take another look at what we're
doing here."
"I didn't realize you were dissatisfied with what we have."
"I'm not dissatisfied with what we have...which is sex." He turned to face
Mulder. "Sex is all we have. I never would have thought that I'd need more. I
never have, but..."
Mulder waited.
"It's different."
"What is?"
"With you. It's...I want..." Alex sighed heavily and closed his eyes, turning
again to the window.
Mulder's brows drew down into a frown.
"Tell me."
Alex shook his head. "Nevermind. It doesn't matter."
"To who?"
"Whoever. You. Me. The fucking world."
Alex turned and stepped around the other man, moving toward the door.
"Wait. Alex...where are you going?"
"It's getting late."
Mulder paused for a minute, waiting until Alex reached for his jacket to
speak.
"Stay."
Alex froze at the door then turned to face the older man.
"Stay the night. It's Saturday, and..."
"And you don't have to worry about Scully walking in and catching us?"
"I was going to say that I didn't have to be up early."
Alex shook his head and reached for the knob.
"Alex."
Soft sigh. "What?"
"You can't just drop this in my lap then waltz out without discussing it."
"Okay. Let's discuss it." Alex let go of the door and came back into the
room, stopping several feet from Mulder. "I'll start. You're sleeping with a
former triple agent, liar, thief, assassin. The very same one who'd been a
thorn in
your side for years. Your partner and friends would have you committed in a
heartbeat if they knew, and you aren't especially proud of yourself. So, you
hide it.
"I come over at night, I leave before morning, and as long as we keep it that
way, your dirty little secret is safe."
"Is that what you think you are?" Mulder asked, disbelieving. "My dirty
little secret?"
Alex's silence was his answer.
"Do I make you feel that way? Really?"
More silence.
"Then why am I just hearing about this now?"
"I kept telling myself that you just needed time. But in seven months not a
thing has changed."
"I..." Mulder stammered. "What do you want me to do?"
Alex stared for long moments then lowered his gaze.
"Nothing."
Mulder watched him turn and again head to the door.
"Alex."
Again he stopped just short of opening the door. This time he didn't turn
around.
"Don't go. I don't want you to go."
"But you don't want me to stay," Alex said softly.
"I asked you to stay," Mulder argued.
"For tonight. Because it's Saturday."
Mulder approached the younger man, sliding his hands up and down the
leather-covered back.
"No. Not just tonight. Alex, I...I never thought that you weren't satisfied
with what we have. I didn't think you'd wanted any more. I honestly didn't
think that it bothered you that I haven't told Scully, and that we don't go
out. I
didn't realize that you wanted that kind of a relationship..."
"It doesn't matter what I want," Alex murmured, still not facing the other
man. "Not if you don't want it too."
Mulder grasped Alex by his shoulders and spun him around.
"You don't know what I want."
"You're right about that."
"What I mean is," Mulder began, exasperated, "just like I had no idea that
this was how you felt, you have no idea how I feel."
"Okay," Alex said to Mulder's chest. "How do you feel?"
"First of all, I am not ashamed." Mulder shrugged. "A little scared, maybe."
"Scared of what?"
"This isn't your ordinary, everyday relationship, Alex. I've never done this
before. So much can go wrong."
"Yeah. People could find out. They could look at you like you're crazier than
they already think you are. Worse, your sainted partner could be so
disgusted that she drops you on the spot."
"Could you blame Scully if she flipped out?"
"It's not Scully's reaction that I care about," Alex said flatly. "It's your
reaction to her reaction."
"My reaction to her reaction," Mulder repeated.
"Yeah. You care more about your relationship with her than your relationship
with me. And you can't run the risk of upsetting her or pissing her off or
whatever."
"Alex...my relationship with her and my relationship with you are apples and
oranges. You can't compare them. The way I care about you is so completely
different than the way I care about her and..."
"Cut it out, Fox, okay?" Alex broke in. There was no anger in his voice. "You
know what I mean. You're just rambling to get out of actually having to face
the truth." He laughed softly. "Funny. You running away from 'the truth'."
"That's not what I'm doing," Mulder said then spun away from Alex and went
for the phone.
"What're you doing?" Alex asked quietly, already sure of what the answer
would be.
"Calling Scully. You think I can't handle her reaction?" He began to punch in
the numbers. "Let's see."
As he hit the last number, he heard the soft click of the door. He spun
around quickly and let his arm drop, hand still clutching the phone. Staring at
the
empty space where Alex had been, he didn't hear the sound of the voice on the
other end.
"Hello? Mulder? Mulder, are you there? Mulder?"
Apples and Oranges
by Aries
"Are you ashamed of what we have together?"
