"I believe you have."
"Mulder, how could you?"
Silence.
"I'm waiting."
"I don't know, okay? It just happened. Isn't that good enough?"
"No! I need a reason for this! I mean come on, Mulder, you have to see how
sick this is. How vile, how...wait. Wait. Is this a joke?"
"What?"
"Is it a joke. 'Cause if it is, I'm going to kick your ass for putting me
through all this trauma."
"It's not a joke," Mulder said softly into the receiver. "There's nothing
funny about it."
"You're right about that, Mulder. I don't find this the least bit
amusing. Alex Krycek. Alex friggin' Krycek. This is by far the stupidest thing
you've ever done. Ever. Ever."
"All right, look. I...I gotta go."
"What. What d'you mean, you gotta go? You call me up, you lay this bomb in my
lap, and now you want to just drop it?"
"Not drop it."
"What then?"
"Just put it off until tomorrow." His tone dropped to an even softer level.
"You've hurt me enough today."
"Mulder, I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"You think calling me stupid isn't hurtful? I gotta go."
"Mulder..."
"See you later."
Mulder hung up and dropped heavily onto the couch.
Well, that was about as shitty a response as he could get.
//And you expected what? An, 'Oh, Mulder, that's wonderful', and her very
best wishes? Get off it.//
At least he'd said it. It was out. Whether or not he and Alex could work
through it was another matter, though.
He picked up the ice cold slice of pizza that had been Alex's and took a bite.
If Alex would even talk to him...
The flickering television was the only light in the room, casting a pale
bluish haze over the man slouched on the chair in front of it.
He had no idea what was on. Didn't matter anyway.
He wasn't watching it. His thoughts were focussed solely on the man he'd
walked out on earlier in the evening.
He knew Mulder wouldn't have gone after him. It hadn't quelled the twinge of
disappointment he'd felt, though.
Alex groaned and sank deeper into the chair.
He couldn't go back. He was the one who'd walked out. And even if he was
spineless and weak enough to...
The soft knock at his door frightened him out of his thoughts, and his head
snapped around toward the door. He sat motionless, staring at the door for a
number of seconds before a second knock brought him to his feet.
It couldn't be.
He moved stealthily to the door and listened for some sound. It came directly
after the third knock.
"Alex. C'mon, I know you hear me. Open the door."
His pounding heart almost drowned out the muted voice.
"Alex...please?"
Alex unlocked the door then closed his eyes and took a deep breath before
opening it.
Mulder stepped into the scarcely lit room and stopped inches from Alex's
heavily shadowed form.
"I was going to ask if I woke you," Mulder said, noting that Alex was still
fully dressed, "but I guess not."
Alex said nothing. He stood quietly, looking at the middle of Mulder's chest.
"Scully knows."
Dark eyes rose to meet Mulder's steady gaze but still Alex said nothing.
"To say that she was unhappy would be a gross understatement. But she'll get
over it." He paused, still staring at the younger man.
Still nothing.
"I know. You don't care about her reaction." Mulder took a step forward. "I'm
here, Alex. Doesn't that tell you anything about my reaction to her
reaction?"
"That's today," Alex finally said, his voice a hoarse croak.
Mulder sighed heavily. "What d'you mean?"
"What about tomorrow? How're you going to feel in a week? Three? You know,
when things really start to get uncomfortable between you."
"She'll come around," Mulder promised.
"And if she doesn't?"
"She will."
"Okay. Let's say she does. That's just one obstacle. The other one...the
biggest one is you."
Mulder stood shaking his head.
"You can't deal with the guilt, Fox," Alex said. "You're fucking the man who
killed your father...had a hand in your partner's disappearance and her
sister's death..."
Mulder lowered his head.
"The same man who..."
"I know who you are," Mulder snapped, agitation clear in every syllable.
"Yeah, you do. And you're ashamed as hell for what you're doing with me. But
you can't stop yourself. You like fucking me and you don't want to stop that,
but there's no way in hell you can let yourself be seen in public with me. You
can't let anyone else know your secret."
"That's not true," Mulder rasped.
"Why can't you admit it?"
"Because it isn't fucking true!" Mulder yelled. "I told Scully about us! I'm
here! Can't you give me an ounce of credit?"
Alex lowered his head and rubbed at one eye.
"It's really late. I'm tired."
"So am I," Mulder replied softly. "Come with me back to my place. We can
sleep late and then spend the rest of the day trying to hash this out."
Several seconds passed, then Alex spoke.
"It might not be any bigger than your living room, but my apartment is
clean. So's my bed. The sheets, the blankets..."
"What?"
"We've always got to be at your place. Why?"
"I...I don't know." Mulder looked around the nearly dark room. "I have
nothing against your place."
"Except maybe that you don't feel as much in control here as at your own
place?"
Mulder stared. "You've got a lot of issues with me, don't you?"
"At least I'm finally talking about them."
"Christ, Alex. Okay, look. We'll stay here tonight. Are you happy? Will that
prove anything to you?"
"I didn't say I wanted you to stay with me tonight."
"You were just bitching because we never spend any time here!"
"I was just making an observation about your unwillingness to be here with me
as opposed to your own place. I didn't mean I wanted you to stay here
tonight."
Mulder tipped his head back and clenched his fingers in his hair.
"Fuck. Fine. Do you don't want to spend tonight with me. All right. Gotcha.
I'll go. But I tried. Don't say I didn't try."
Mulder turned to leave, but Alex's soft voice stopped him.
"Mulder one, Krycek zip."
"What?"
"You're keeping score, aren't you?"
"Keeping...why the hell would you say that?"
"You tried, I didn't. That puts you ahead."
"I'm not keeping fucking score!" Mulder got loud again. "I just know when I'm
banging my head up against a brick wall, and I'm smart enough to know when to
quit."
"So...it's over?"
"Do you want it to be?"
"That's how you're making it sound."
"I meant that I quit for tonight," Mulder sighed. "But you aren't making this
the slightest bit easier. And I don't know how long we can continue this
way." He walked to the door and opened it. "Let me know what you want to do once
you decide. You know where you can find me."
Mulder stepped into the hall and closed the door behind him, leaving Alex
alone again in the darkness.
What About Tomorrow?
by Aries
"....stupid, insane, asinine...have I mentioned stupid?"
