Going Under
I'll Stand By You
Fox stood on the porch of the rented cabin, eyes scanning until they found the object of their search. He stood quietly for a time, watching. Then he began to move. Slowly, he approached the huddled figure, stopping a few feet behind.
"Lunch."
There was no response.
Fox moved closer, squatting beside his silent lover. He followed Alex's hollow gaze, looking into the small pool of water, trying to see what the other man saw.
"You didn't have any breakfast," he said softly. "You have to have some lunch."
Alex looked from the pond to the patch of ground between him and Fox. It was as close as he got anymore to looking directly at the other man.
"'M not hungry."
"Alex...we can't do this," Fox said as sternly as his breaking heart would allow him to. "You've got to take care of yourself. At the very least, you've got to let me take care of you. And...we've got to go back."
Alex got up and walked away.
Fox lowered his head and closed his eyes briefly before rising and following him.
"Alex. Please."
"You go back."
"Not without you."
"You never should have come."
"What did you want me to do? Let you run away again? Turn my back and forget everything?"
"It's what you should have done."
"Never. I told you that we were going to do this together, and I wasn't kidding."
"You'll be flushing your whole life down the toilet...at least for as long as my life lasts."
"And you're trying very hard to shorten it by not going back home and getting on a regimen." Fox came closer, gently laying his hands on the other man's shoulders. "Baby..."
Alex shrugged his hands away and took a couple of steps forward.
Fox sighed. "Why won't you let me touch you?"
"Get used to it," Alex said flatly.
The pain of his words lanced through Fox's chest, but he shook them off the best he could and stood his ground.
"I'm not leaving you, Alex." He stated plainly. "It doesn't matter what you do or say. "You very well may never let me touch you again, but you're stuck with me. No matter what. You get used to that ." He stood waiting for some reaction. When none came, he walked around Alex, stopping in front of him.
"Please come in and eat something."
Alex stood there for a while longer, looking at the ground, then he turned and headed slowly toward the cabin.
Fox watched him for a few seconds then, letting out a trembling breath, he trailed Alex up the path.
"Hello?"
"It's Skinner."
There was no response on the other end.
"Scully, have you heard from Mulder?"
"Are you serious?"
"Very."
"Of course not. Is something wrong?"
"I don't know. If you should happen to see or hear from him, please ask him to contact me." Skinner hung up and slouched back in his chair, staring straight ahead at nothing.
Mulder and Krycek had disappeared three days ago without a word. And since it was on the day that they were supposed to have received their test results, he was more worried than he might normally have been.
Sighing heavily, he picked up the phone and dialed Fox's number for the umpteenth time. And just like it had all those times before, the phone went straight to voicemail. And so, he left yet another message.
"Mulder. It's Skinner again. Mulder, you and Krycek have been gone for three days now, and I'm getting very concerned. Please call me. If I can help, you know I will."
Dropping the phone down beside his leg, he stared at it as if doing so would make it ring.
"What the hell's going on, Mulder?" he asked the phone, afraid to guess.
Scully set the phone down gently, starting at it for a while before walking over to the window. Brushing the curtain aside, she looked out at nothing in particular.
"Wonder what's wrong?" she asked herself softly. She stared for a while longer then let the curtain drop back into place.
Fox carefully lowered himself to the edge of the mattress, studying the still man. Alex lay curled up, arms wrapped around himself, eyes closed. From his deep and steady respiration, Fox guessed that he was asleep, but it was possible that it was just an act. Gently, Fox stroked his hair, and when Alex didn't move, he leaned down and placed a tender kiss on the other man's temple. Afraid to wake him if he was indeed asleep, Fox very gingerly sat back against the pillows. He wanted so much to close his eyes but fear of Alex finding the hidden car keys and taking off kept him from it.
He'd had very little sleep since they'd arrived here three days ago.
Three days.
Fox took a deep breath, trying to steady himself as his eyes welled up and threatened to spill over.
He had to get Alex back home. He had to find a way to get through to him. Make him understand that he needed to get to a doctor and start taking care of himself the way he needed to. But he didn't know how. His own shock and grief over Alex's positive status kept getting in the way of rational thinking.
Fox brought his hands up to his eyes, pressing into the sockets with the heels.
How could he think rationally when the only thing going through his head virtually night and day was that awful phone call and the hell that came after...
He'd lain on the bathroom floor, Alex wrapped in his arms for so long, the room had grown dark before he'd attempted to lift them both to their feet.
"Alex," he'd rasped, raising himself up on quaking knees. "Baby...come on. Let's...let's get off the floor."
Glazed eyes had stared straight ahead, and Alex had given no response to Fox's coaxing.
"Alex..." Fox had wrapped Alex in his arms, trying to pull the comatose man up. "Come on. Up."
Slowly, Alex had gotten to his feet, and Fox half-led, half-carried him into the bedroom. He'd lain the younger man down then practically collapsed onto the mattress beside him. Half-covering Alex with his own body, he'd drawn a hard breath.
"I love you." A tear had escaped the inside corner of his eye and ran down the side of his nose before dropping into Alex's hair. "I..." He'd pressed his lips together and hugged Alex to him. There'd been nothing for him to say.
Hours more had gone by and still they'd lain there, awake, drowning together in desolation. A few minutes after eleven, Alex had sat up and looked around. Bleary-eyed, Fox had watched as he'd slid off the bed and walked over to the closet. He'd sat bolt upright as Alex opened the door and began removing clothing.
"What're you doing?" he'd asked, his voice barely registering in his own ears.
Alex had given no answer. He'd left the closet and opened a drawer, blindly pulling out underwear and socks.
"Alex." Fox had pushed himself to his feet and walked over to the younger man, stopping just inches away. "Stop."
Hands clenched in the remaining contents of the drawer, Alex had ceased his movements.
"I have to go."
"Go," Fox had repeated, his heart pounding out an excruciating rhythm. "Go where?"
"Anywhere," Alex had whispered. "Anywhere but here."
"You're not leaving," Fox had said flatly.
"I can't stay here."
"Running won't make it go away," Fox had murmured. "We've got to face this. We need to find out what we have to do and..."
"No. There's no we."
"There is," Fox had insisted, his voice getting stronger. "There's no more you or I, Alex. There's only we ."
"No!" Alex had shouted, suddenly coming to life. "Not anymore!" He'd stopped, looking at the shocked man, then he averted his eyes.
"Look at me."
Alex had shaken his head and headed back toward the closet. Snatching a bag from the floor, he'd heaved it up onto the bed.
Fox had stood frozen for a moment, his mind spinning, then he'd stalked toward his own closet and pulled another bag out. He'd thrown it onto the bed beside Alex's and spun back around, yanking clothes off of hangers.
Alex had watched for a moment then pushed Fox's bag off the bed.
"You're not going."
"The fuck I'm not," Fox had said, ready for a fight. "You go, I go."
"Stop the knight in shining armor bullshit, okay?" Alex had yelled. "You can't fix this! Do you get that? Do you finally get it? I let men fuck me for money! Lots of men, and it doesn't matter that you picked me up out of the gutter and cleaned me up. It doesn't fucking matter that you gave me a good life or that you love me. None of that means shit anymore!"
"It does!" Fox had shouted back. "It means that you won't go through this alone! This life is not over! I'm here, and I love you, and I will not leave you alone!"
"You have to!" Alex had cried, throwing the underwear at the wall. "I won't let you live with this! You don't..." his voice began to crack and shudder. "...you don't deserve this!"
"And you think leaving me is the answer? You think everything will be just fine if you remove yourself from my life?"
"For you."
"You don't believe that," Fox had gasped. "You can't know that I love you and think that ."
Alex had stood in the middle of the room, hands clenched tightly, and his eyes squeezed shut as his chest had begun to heave. He'd choked off several sobs, and when he'd had himself under control again, he'd spoken.
"I can't stay here."
"Fine," Fox had breathed, picking his bag up off the floor. "But I'm going with you."
"You're not going anywhere."
Fox had taken the other man's bag and tossed it back into the closet. "If I'm not, you're not either."
Alex had turned and stalked out of the room, heading straight for the door. Fox had caught up to him quickly, grabbing him by the arm and swinging him around. Alex had jerked away from his grasp and shoved him hard.
"This is over!" he'd screamed. "Don't make it harder than it already is!"
Before he'd been able to get the door open, Fox had been on him, clamping his arms around him and dragging him back into the room. In a burst of strength, he'd thrown Alex to the sofa and held him there with the weight of his own body while the younger man had bucked and shrieked beneath him.
"I'm not letting you go," Fox had grated, struggling to keep Alex down. "I won't."
"No!" Alex had sobbed. "No, no, no, no..." And that was all he'd been able to say until utter exhaustion had forced him to stop fighting.
Fox had held him while he cried, shedding his own tears.
"We'll go away for a few days, okay?" Fox had asked, just this side of desperate. "We can get out of here. You liked that cabin we'd rented before. We can go back. Or find another one like it. A nice cabin with beautiful scenery, and we'll just...just sit. Get our heads screwed on straight. Then we'll come back and do what we have to do."
Alex had gone catatonic again, too worn out to talk or move. Fox had held him for a while longer, then he'd dragged himself off of the sofa. He'd made some phone calls, packed their bags, and a few hours later they had been on their way to California.
And now here they were, Alex no more able to accept Fox's devotion to him than he had been three days ago.
Fox dropped his hands and tipped his head back. He needed help. He needed...
Glancing down at the sleeping man, he eased himself off of the bed and pulled a small bag out of the closet. He took it with him into the other room and pulled his cell phone out. Turning it on, he found several messages waiting. Quickly, he ran through them.
Skinner. Skinner...Skinner...
He should have known Walt would be looking for him. He listened to the rest of the messages then erased them all and prepared to make his call. But before he could dial the number, he stopped.
Alex would freak if Skinner were to show up there, and things might get worse instead of better.
Okay, so he'd use Skinner as a last resort.
"Sorry, Walt," he whispered as he put the phone away.
A few more days. He'd give Alex a few more days before he took any drastic measures.
The sun was starting to set.
A sight he and Alex should have been enjoying together. Instead, Fox sat alone on the porch of the cabin, watching the sky turn a magnificent combination of red and purple. His mind began to wander; thinking back to the brief time he and Alex had spent in these mountains before.
It was an evening not unlike this one. Cool and clear, and the descending sun over the trees had reflected warmly in Alex's hair and eyes as they sat quietly together.
Fox remembered how his heart had leapt and caught in his throat at the sight. He recalled the confused smile on the younger man's face when their eyes met.
"What is it?" Alex had asked softly.
"You're beautiful," Fox had whispered, reaching out to graze the surface of Alex's hair with his fingertips.
He remembered the slight flush to the other man's cheeks as he'd cast his eyes downward, and the soft sound of his moan as Fox moved closer and kissed him. The next few hours had been nothing short of amazing, and as they'd drifted into sleep together, warm and naked in each other's arms, Fox recalled how he'd thought that that was only the beginning of a long, wonderful life together...
The sun dipped below the horizon, and a despair so profound seized Fox that it doubled him over, and his body began to quiver. The sobs came then. Softly at first, then louder and harder and completely out of his control.
How did it all get so bad? He was sure . He'd been so fucking sure that everything was going to turn out fine. How could he have been so wrong? He'd wanted so much to make a good life for them. He'd tried so hard, and...and even though common sense told him that the outcome of that test had absolutely nothing to do with him, he couldn't help feeling that somehow he'd failed Alex again . It was an insane thought. There was no way he could protect Alex from what in essence had been done to him probably long before Fox had found him in California.
But what if he had never let him go? What if he had stopped Alex from leaving right from the start? Right after everything was over? What if he had been smart enough...brave enough to grab Alex by the arm, spin him around and lay a sound kiss on him? Maybe Alex wouldn't have fallen into his arms right away, but maybe it would have been enough to make him curious and keep him in D.C.
"God," He choked. "Oh, God, please..."
He had no idea what he was praying for. To wake up, maybe. To open his eyes and find Alex there beside him, sleepy eyed and smiling, bidding him a soft good morning...
A few feet from the screen door, Alex stood motionless and dry-eyed as he stared at the floor...and he listened to Fox cry.
"All right, all right !" Langly yelled, storming toward the door. He checked the peephole once, frowned at what he saw, then checked again.
"Who is it?" Byers asked, coming into the room with an armload of hardware.
"Skinner."
"Skinner?"
"That's what I said."
Freeing the locks, he swung the door open and met Skinner's sharp stare.
"Uh...what can we do for ya?"
Skinner looked down at Langly then over at Byers as he swept in.
"I need your help.
"Okee dokee...with what?"
"Finding Mulder."
"Not again ."
"He and Krycek have disappeared, and I need to find them through...unofficial channels."
"Is something wrong?" Byers asked.
"There could be. But I won't know for sure until I find them. Now, please..."
Byers set his items down and crossed over to where the other two men were standing.
"How long have they been gone?"
"Three days."
"And Mulder said nothing at all to you about him going anywhere?"
"Not a word. We're starting with nothing, here." Skinner looked around. "Where's the other one?"
"Frohike? He's out picking up some supplies," Langly answered. "He should be back soon. Now uh..." he cracked his fingers and sat down at the computer. "Let's see what we can come up with..."
It was dark. Too dark to see Alex's face when he entered the room.
Fox slipped in quietly and looked down at the still man. Open eyes glittered in the pale moonlight, and though they wouldn't turn his way, he offered a weak smile.
"Hey. How d'you feel?"
Nothing.
"Dinner's almost ready. It smells almost edible, doesn't it?"
He thought he'd cried himself dry earlier, but Alex's continued silence brought fresh tears to his eyes.
"Alex...please?"
The small, weary voice resonated in Alex's head, but he didn't move.
Fox waited for a while then dropped his head and backed toward the door.
"I'll umm...I'll keep it warm for a while in...in case you change your mind."
When Fox was gone, Alex squeezed his eyes shut and wrapped his arms around himself.
Maybe if he stayed uncooperative for a while longer, Fox would give up and go. He had to leave. He had to. It would hurt for a little while, and then he'd realize that Alex had saved him from a life of hell. And...and he'd be glad.
Skinner trudged into his apartment, throwing his keys down on the table by the door.
Four hours of searching had turned up nothing. The Gunmen had promised that they'd keep at it, and he'd left, needing to get at least a few hours sleep so he wouldn't walk into work looking like a zombie.
Heading up to his bedroom, he couldn't stop the thoughts from speeding through his mind.
The more he thought about it, the more sure he was that the outcome of those tests had something to do with Mulder and Krycek's sudden disappearance, and as much as he didn't want to think it, he began to fear that one or both had turned out to be positive.
Pain stabbed at his gut, and he threw himself down onto his sofa.
What if that's what's was going on? What if Krycek or Krycek and Mulder had tested positive? Jesus, what would they do?
One thing was clear. They couldn't just disappear off the face of the earth. They needed help. They needed to see a doctor and...
" Dammit , Mulder," he grated through his teeth. " Call me."
Fox lay on top of the sleeping bag, hands folded behind his head, staring up at the stars. His only company, the chirping crickets and his own tormented thoughts.
Alex had remained largely unresponsive since they'd arrived, shunning all of his best efforts to care for and comfort him. And now he was refusing food. He assumed this was some sort of tactical move on Alex's part to discourage him and make him go home. Well, he wasn't having it. If Alex wanted him to leave, there was only one way to get him to do it.
Fox sighed heavily.
Whether Alex came to the decision on his own or Fox had to hogtie and gag him, they had to go back soon. He would only negotiate so much when it came to his health. He just prayed that Alex would agree freely to leave in a few more days. It killed him to think that he'd have to resort to anything harsh. All he wanted to do now was love Alex and comfort him and do everything he could to keep him feeling well.
He turned his head toward the screened door, peering into the softly lighted room. There was no movement within.
After Alex had refused to touch the dinner that Fox had brought in to him, the younger man turned over and closed his eyes, shutting himself off from his anxious lover. Fox was left with very little choice. He exited the room, cleaned the plate and wandered out onto the porch, where he'd been ever since.
His gaze rose again to the sky, searching for a miracle. An answer at least. Something he could hold on to...
Fox's eyes snapped open and he jerked upright.
When he had fallen asleep? How long?
A quick glance at his watch told him that it had only been a few minutes.
Pushing himself to his feet, he stumbled into the cabin and made his way as quietly as he could to the bedroom. He slipped inside and approached the bed, breathing a sigh of relief as he viewed Alex's sleeping form. His legs suddenly weak, he backed up a few steps and sank bonelessly into the room's only chair.
He was so tired. He needed to sleep. Just a few hours.
Fox's eyes began to close, and just as merciful sleep was about to take him, he shook himself awake. The intense fear that Alex would sneak away while he wasn't watching, haunted him every minute of the day and night. He couldn't let him vanish again from his life.
Fox took a few cleansing breaths and willed himself to stay awake.
Not ever again.
"You come up with anything?"
"Good morning to you, too." Frohike stepped aside and let Skinner enter. "Nothing yet. They seem to have dropped off the face of the earth."
"You've checked all the airlines?"
"Still working on it," Langly said as he came into the room, ripping into a cherry danish. "Damn, Skinner, you look like hell."
"Didn't sleep much."
"Hey, we didn't sleep at all ."
"How can you be so wide-awake then?"
Langly shrugged. "We're used to it. Byers though, that puss, faded on us at about three. Hey, uh...you try asking Scully if she knew where Mulder was?"
"She was the first one I called," Skinner answered, looking at his watch. "I figured that she hadn't heard from him, but I thought I'd try."
"I can't believe what's happened to them," Langly sighed. "They were so tight ."
"I know," Skinner murmured. "Scully seemed so solid. I never dreamed..." He caught himself before he said too much and looked to the curious men. "I have to get to work. Please call the minute you have anything."
Frohike saw Skinner out then, locking the door, he returned to Langly.
"What d'you think really went on?"
"You mean between Mulder and Scully?"
"Yeah."
"I don't know. But you can bet that it involves Krycek somehow. You saw how crazy she was in Nevada."
"Yeah. She obviously couldn't handle them being together," Frohike said, shaking his head. "I never thought they'd end up like they have, though."
"Mmm." Langly looked up at the other man. "That's what makes me believe that there's more to this than meets the eye. They were way too close to let a disagreement over who Mulder's sleeping with come between them like it has."
"Even if that person Mulder's sleeping with is Alex Krycek," Frohike agreed. "That's pretty damn big, but still ...enough to nuke their relationship?"
"I don't know," Langly sighed. "Better get back on this," he said, turning to his computer. I'd like to have something for Skinner today."
Alex opened his eyes and moaned as brilliant sunlight assaulted his vision. He blinked several times and scanned the room, his gaze landing on the Fox's grizzled features. His insides twisted as he took in the wild hair, unshaven jaw and eyes redder than any he'd ever seen.
"Morning."
The dry croak pained him further still, and he averted his eyes quickly.
"You haven't slept."
"Not much."
"Fox, go to sleep."
"Not until you eat something, and we go back home."
"D.C. isn't my home anymore. It can't be."
"No? So then, what is?"
Alex gave a small shrug. "No place."
Fox rose stiffly and shuffled over to the bed, sitting on the edge. He winced as Alex skittered back away from him.
"Your home is with me," he said resolutely.
"Not anymore," Alex whispered.
"Always." Fox stared hard at the reclining man. His eyes burned, and they felt as though they were full of sand, but he kept staring. "Do you understand me, Alex? Always . Now, how about a nice warm shower and some breakfast."
"I'm not..."
"I don't want to hear it," Fox cut in. "Don't tell me that you're not hungry, because I'm not listening. You ate absolutely nothing yesterday, and you drank even less. You're going to eat today if I have to sit on you and shove it down your throat, you got it?"
Alex clutched a pillow to his chest and curled himself away from Fox's stare.
"Sweetheart," Fox softened immediately, reaching out to lightly stroke Alex's hair. "I love you."
Alex curled into a tighter ball.
"Why don't you want to hear that? Aside from your HIV status, what's different now than it was before?"
"Everything," came the muffled reply.
" Nothing ," Fox insisted.
"How can you say that?" Alex yelled, throwing himself off of the bed. Dizzy from lack of food and water, he stumbled and fell into the dresser. He lay on the wooden surface until Fox reached him milliseconds later and swept him into his arms.
"No," he breathed, trying to push away. "Let me go. Let me..."
"Let you hit the floor?" Fox asked. "Because that's where you'll wind up if I let you stand on your own. You're weak , Alex. You've eaten next to nothing for going on four days now. I was going to give you a few more days but...we're going home. As soon as I can get a flight."
"I'm not ." Alex found the strength to shove himself away from the older man.
"I'm not arguing with you, Alex," Fox said softly. "I'm packing my stuff, and yours, and we're leaving."
Alex knew the tone. Once Fox set his mind to something there was very little anyone could do to dissuade him. But he couldn't let Fox do this to himself. He couldn't.
He assumed a defeated posture and sat heavily on the bed. Fox eyed him warily for a while then took a step backward.
"I'm going to go make those calls. Then we're going to have some breakfast."
Alex dropped his head lower, and Fox studied him for a while longer then exited the room. Twenty some odd minutes later, he re-entered to find Alex in the same spot.
"We've got a flight out tomorrow night. Eight-fifteen. It was the earliest one I could get." Fox got the silence he'd expected. He walked over to the bed and knelt on the floor in front of Alex. "It'll be all right, Alex. As soon as we get into a routine, things will level out. Our life will be different, but it can still be good." He lifted a hand to Alex's knee, surprised when the younger man didn't pull away. "If we let it be."
There was a brief silence, then Alex surprised Fox by speaking.
"I'm going to go take a shower," he murmured.
Fox nodded, afraid of being too hopeful.
"I'll help you."
"No, I...I don't need help."
"Baby, you almost fell on your face a while ago. It could happen again."
"I'll be all right."
"I'll leave you alone in the shower," Fox bargained, "but I'm going to at least help you in and out. Come on."
Alex rose from the bed with Fox's assistance, and the two made their way to the bathroom. Fox reached for Alex's t-shirt, and the other man flinched.
"Okay," Fox said softly, trying to mask the hurt as he turned the water on. "I won't help you undress. But I'm staying right here until you're done."
Alex paused a moment then began to remove his clothing, wavering slightly as he did. Fox watched warily at a distance, ready to catch Alex should he fall, but said nothing to the younger man. He bit down on one corner of his lip, his heart aching as Alex turned around to disrobe. Once naked, Alex stepped into the shower as quickly as he could, and Fox closed his eyes against the surge of pain.
They'd get past this. He had to believe that. It was the only way to maintain his sanity.
Minutes later, the water stopped and Alex's hand extended past the curtain, groping for the towel. He found it and pulled it inside. A while after that, the curtain opened, and Fox helped him out of the tub, the towel wrapped securely around his waist.
"I um...I guess you'll be okay now." Fox reluctantly stepped away and headed for the door. "I'll go get breakfast started." He didn't wait for an answer. He didn't expect one.
Alex watched Fox turn and leave the bathroom, and then he lowered the toilet seat and sat down. He willed his legs to stop shaking, and when they finally complied, he set about drying himself and changing. Slowly, he drifted into the kitchen, where Fox was standing, leaning heavily over the counter.
Sensing he was no longer alone, Fox composed himself and picked up the wisk, beating the eggs he'd cracked into a bowl.
"I didn't want to get any heavier than scrambled eggs, since you haven't eaten in a while."
"I won't run away."
Fox turned around and eyed the other man.
Alex pulled out a chair and sank into it before speaking again.
"I know that's why you're not sleeping. You think I'm going to sneak off."
"The thought's crossed my mind," Fox said honestly. "I hid the car keys."
"I know."
"But I'm still afraid you're going to run off while I'm not watching."
"I won't."
Fox lowered his eyes and sighed sadly. "I wish I could believe you."
It was Alex's turn to sigh.
"I love you," Fox said, tending the eggs. And that's all he said. But it was enough to bring a sting of tears to Alex's eyes.
The first thought in his mind was to tell Fox how very much he loved him too, but that would open him up; make him vulnerable, and as much as he ached to, he couldn't let Fox in.
It was over. All of it. The fights over Fox's tacky ties. The stale popcorn and bad movies at two a.m....the sweet, longing looks over a late dinner. Making love for hours...the soft glow in Fox's eyes in the morning when they woke in each other's arms.
"Alex...baby..." Fox kneeled in front of Alex, rubbing the other man's cheek. "Easy. Breathe."
Alex gasped for air, clawing at the chair he was seated in. His eyes, wide and frightened, terrified the older man, and as they had so many times over the past few days, Fox's eyes filled with tears.
Quickly, Fox pulled up a chair and pulled the panicked man into his arms. "It's all right," he sobbed, rocking Alex. "Please...easy. Take it easy."
The scent of him. The warmth of his body, and the love pouring from each anguished word. Alex sagged against Fox, allowing himself to be held.
"It's all right," Fox sniffed, caressing Alex's back. "I'm right here..."
//And he'll continue to be, and his life will be shot to hell, and it's your fault.//
Fox tried to hold on to Alex as the younger man stiffened and began to struggle.
"Stop. Alex, no."
Making frustrated, desperate sounds, Alex fought the man he loved more than anything.
"Let me go," he begged. "I can't...I...I can't..."
"You can," Fox insisted. "Let me take care of you. I know you want to. Just let go. Let go, baby."
Alex's thrashing subsided a bit, his mind now spinning. He did want to. Jesus, he wanted to just hand it all over to Fox and let him take care of everything.
//He can make your appointments and take all kinds of time out of work to go to the doctor's with you...make sure you take all your meds how and when you're supposed to...lose sleep when you're not feeling well...yeah, he can do all of that...is that what you want for him?//
Alex began to struggle again and, taking Fox by surprise, he broke free. Stumbling out of the chair, he made a break for the living room, but Fox was right behind him, foiling his attempt to get to the door.
"Leave me alone!" he shouted, twisting in Fox's restraining grip.
"When are you going to stop this?" Fox asked, trying to be heard above the racket Alex was making. "I'm not going to leave you alone." He fought to still the other man. "I'm going to get it through your head, Alex. I'm going to make you understand!"
Alex settled down again, practically collapsing in Fox's arms. He allowed the older man to convey him to the sofa, where he slumped over onto his side, staring blindly through his tears at the fireplace.
"It's all right," Fox whispered, stroking the other man's hair as he leaned over him. "It's okay. You just stay here." Fox dropped a soft kiss on his temple. "Close your eyes. I'll be right back. Those eggs are getting really burnt."
Alex remained where Fox had laid him, not moving, in fact barely breathing. Fox kept a close eye on him from the kitchen, and once he'd cleaned up their ruined breakfast and scrambled more eggs, he returned to the living room with a small bowlful.
"Sit up a little, Alex, so you can have some of this."
As if in a trance, Alex slowly sat up and took the small offering. He let Fox feed him until little by little, all the eggs were gone.
"Good," Fox said softly, setting the bowl aside. "It wasn't much, but it was a start. "How about a little tea?"
Alex lowered his head and said nothing.
"Baby, you haven't had much to drink at all. Just a little...okay?"
Fox got to his feet and went back into the kitchen to heat some water, and Alex sat quietly until he returned, holding a small mug. Dipping a teaspoon into the tea, he blew on the hot liquid then raised it to Alex's lips. The younger man sipped slowly, and when he'd drained the teaspoon, Fox dipped it again. Over and over he repeated the task until the cup was half empty, and Alex refused to drink the rest.
"Okay. That was good." Fox smoothed the hair away from Alex's forehead. "You look tired again. Want to take a nap?"
Alex stared at the coffee table for a few seconds before giving a slight nod of his head. Fox helped him to his feet and led him into the bedroom, sitting him down in the chair.
"All right. Give me a minute to get the bed straightened out, then you can lie down."
With a gentle kiss to the top of Alex's head, Fox began stripping the bed and making it up with fresh sheets. Finished tucking and smoothing, he strode back to Alex, who hadn't moved at all.
"Okay. Let's get you comfortable."
Again he helped Alex to his feet and walked him to the bed, sitting him down so that he could take his shoes off. That accomplished, he laid Alex back against the pillows and sat quietly, waiting for him to drift off to sleep.
"Skinner."
"We got something."
Skinner grabbed for a pad and pen. "Go."
"The trail ends in California. The Sierra Nevada mountain range to be exact. Apparently our boys have rented a cabin. Looks like they've just decided to take a little vacation."
"No," Skinner breathed. "No, I...Mulder would have informed me."
"So, you still think something's wrong."
"I have to think that until I talk to Mulder. You've got the exact location?"
"Yep."
Skinner scribbled the information, thanked Frohike and slammed the phone down. Snatching his jacket up, he stalked to the door, throwing it open.
"Kim, I'm leaving. If there's anything really important, call my cell."
Not waiting for an answer, he barreled out of the office and headed down to the parking garage. Calling the airport as he went, he took the earliest flight out, which would be leaving in approximately three hours. He sped home, threw a few things into a bag and drove straight out to the airport. Soon after, he was on a plane, speeding toward his destination.
Fox paced the length of the living room, chewing his thumbnail down to nothing. Alex had been asleep for almost an hour now, and he didn't know what to do with himself. He ached to lie down on the sofa and close his eyes, but he was so tired, he was afraid that he wouldn't hear if Alex left the cabin.
One hand went to his rear pocket, and he felt the outline of his phone.
He'd told himself that he'd wait a while longer before calling Skinner, but he needed help, and he thought he needed it a lot more quickly than he'd originally thought.
The flight attendant strolled the aisle, passing Skinner, but he didn't notice. He sat partially reclined in the half-empty compartment, eyes closed. He drifted along the outer edges of sleep, but before he could fall, his cell phone rang. Shaking himself awake, he answered.
"Skinner."
"Walt. It's me."
" Mulder . What the hell's going on? Why did you take off and not notify anyone?"
"I'm sorry, I am, but...I...I didn't know what else to do. We had to leave. We had to, or Alex..." Fox's voice trailed off.
"Mulder, what happened?" Skinner asked. "The tests..."
There was a brief silence, then Fox's voice came through, soft and strained.
"I tested negative."
//God. Oh, God.//
"Alex?"
Fox's silence gave him the answer.
"Mulder. God, Mulder, I'm so s...sorry. How is he? How are you ?"
"We've both had better weeks," Fox whispered in a broken voice.
"Where is he?"
"Asleep."
" You sound exhausted."
"Haven't slept much. Keeping an eye on him...you know."
"No, I...what do you mean?"
"He doesn't want me here."
"What?"
"He...he doesn't want me to spend years and years taking care of him. He doesn't want me to waste my life. It's got him crazy. He's giving me a hell of a bad time. I can't convince him. And I'm so tired. I need help, I..."
"You'll have it soon," Skinner informed the other man. "I'm on a plane, on my way to you."
"You're..."
"When you wouldn't answer any of my messages, I went to the Gunmen."
Fox closed his eyes. "Thank you."
"No need. Just hang in there, okay? I should be there about six your time."
"All right."
Fox hung up and sank down into the nearest chair.
Thank God.
//Hang tough, Mulder. The cavalry's coming. You just need to stay awake a few more hours.//
He looked toward the bedroom, wondering if he should tell Alex that Skinner was coming or just wait until he got there. Either way, he was sure that the news wouldn't be well received.
He couldn't let it sway him. He needed help getting Alex back to Washington, and Skinner was his best bet.
A weary, wry smile touched his lips.
Skinner was his only bet.
He remembered a time not so long ago when Scully was his trusted friend. He never dreamed that friendship would come to an end, but it had in such an ugly way...
He didn't know if he would ever be able to understand what had happened to his loyal, rock-steady companion. And his anger at what she had done to Alex had kept him thus far from even trying.
He wondered...
With his situation what it was now, what would she say? How would she react? Would she maybe come to her senses, apologize and be the friend that he'd known for so many years? Was it possible for the Scully he knew to break through this new jealous, hateful façade?
Maybe it wasn't a façade. Maybe the ugliness went straight down to the bone. Maybe it'd been dormant all those years, and the long hours, the total lack of respect by their peers...the absence of anything resembling a private life, and his involvement with Alex...the dam just burst. He'd finally had something good in his life, and she'd still had nothing...because of him. And she'd finally snapped.
//It's my fault. She's done what she's done because of me, and Alex is the one who's suffered for it. And now there's this.//
He covered his eyes and fought back the tears.
//So much has been heaped on him. When'll it be enough?//
"How about a mid size?"
"Mmmm. Sorry. This time of day all the more comfortable cars are taken." The car rental counter person tapped at her keyboard. "I got a Kia ready right now."
Skinner raised a hand to the bad of his neck, rubbing gently.
//Great. A wind up car.//
The woman sized him up. "You gotta go far?"
"Far enough."
"Not gonna be a very comfortable trip, huh?"
"Not really, no."
"Well, you're free to check the other counters."
"I don't have the time to stand in all those other lines. I'll take what you've got."
Twenty minutes later, Skinner was folding himself into the small compartment. Positioning himself as comfortably as he could, he pulled out his directions and studied them for a few moments. Dropping the sheet of paper to the seat, he fished his cell phone out of his pocket and called Fox.
"Hello?"
"Mulder, it's me. I just got in about an hour ago. I'm driving up now. How're you doing?"
"Okay, I'm...I just checked on him a little while ago. I think he's just pretending to be asleep, but...I didn't bother him. He ate a little lunch and not much dinner, but at least he did have something."
"What about you? You eating?"
"Been making myself. I can't take care of him if I'm in worse shape than he is."
"Have you been awake since the last time I talked to you?"
"I dozed off for about half an hour. I didn't mean to, I was just...I'm so tired, Walt. I can't even think."
"I know. I'll be there as soon as I can. And then you're going straight to bed."
"I sh...I should tell him you're coming."
"Do you think that's such a good idea? If he freaks out, how are you going to handle it?"
'I've done all right so far. He's had quite a few outbursts that I've had to deal with."
"Yeah, but you're getting more and more exhausted. Sooner or later, you're not to be able to handle him. Just wait until I get there. Shouldn't be any more than two hours."
Fox rubbed at his eyes. "Maybe you're right. Okay, I'll wait. Drive carefully."
"See you soon."
"...Walt?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you."
"Mulder."
"I know, I know. I just want to make sure you really know how much I appreciate this."
"I know that. Just hang tight."
Fox disconnected and dropped the phone, hoping that Alex hadn't heard it. He'd set it on soft ring and kept as far from the bedroom as he could. He decided to check, creeping into the bedroom and peering into the semi-darkness.
Alex lay still and quiet, and Fox watched him for a moment before slipping back out.
//Okay. Two hours. What the hell are you going to do for two hours?// He thought a while. //You could make the bed in the other room.//
He walked into the spare bedroom, turning on the light. He crossed over to the closet and found what he was looking for. He made up the bed and prepared to leave then thought better of the single blanket he'd placed on the bed. Even though it was warm during the day, the temperature would drop considerably at night, and one blanket might not be enough.
Going back to the closet, he pulled out another blanket and left it folded at the foot of the bed.
//Okay, now what? You've read everything there is to read. There's no t.v....even if Alex was awake, he's not talking.//
Fox speared his hands through his hair and wandered out into the living room. Pacing the floor, he looked over toward the bedroom. His brow wrinkled as he viewed the closed door.
He never closed the door. He was afraid that if he did, he wouldn't...
He broke off the thought and dashed to the door, throwing it open.
"Sonofabitch! Alex!"
He ran to the open window, sticking his head out and shouting.
" Alex !"
He flew out of the room and threw the front door open, barreling outside. Wild eyes peered into the quickly gathering darkness, seeing nothing.
"God dammit , Alex! Answer me!"
Nothing.
"Alex, please, don't do this." He finished on a frightened whisper then bolted back into the cabin.
"Skinner...whoa, whoa. Mulder, what.... what ? When did...okay. Okay. But you keep in constant contact with me, you hear?"
Skinner disconnected and dropped the phone down then banged violently on his steering wheel.
"Son of a bitch !"
Fox stumbled over a tree root and fell to his knees. His flashlight fell out of his grip, but he recovered it quickly and got up, calling Alex's name as he had been for the last half-hour.
"Alex, you said you weren't going to run away!" he shouted. "Come on! It's getting cold out here!"
No answer came back.
"Alex, answer me!"
He waited then moved on, searching the darkness.
"Hello?"
"It's Skinner."
Langly set his book down and dropped into a chair. "What's up? You in Cally, yet?"
"I'm about an hour from the cabin, and I need help."
"What's wrong? Weren't the directions good?"
"I'm sure they're fine. I need a chopper standing by. Find me one."
"A chopper . What the hell for?"
"This is a long story. One I'm in no position to get into now. Can you get me what I need?"
"Yeah. Uh, yeah. I'm sure we can. We know a guy who knows a guy."
"Fine. Get him on standby and call me back when it's set."
"All right. I'll get back to you a.s.a.p."
"Thank you."
Skinner disconnected and hit Fox's number. The phone rang several times before Fox picked up. There was a moderate crackle on the line, and Skinner had to strain to hear.
"Mulder...you there?"
"...Can you hear me?"
"Yeah. Yeah. I'm still on the road. Have you found him?"
"No. I don't..." More crackling.
"What?"
"He doesn't answer. It's getting cold out here, Walt. I don't know what to do."
"Don't panic ," Skinner instructed. "Have you called anyone?"
"Ranger's station. They said they'd have some people out in the area within the hour. Do you know what can happen in an hour?"
"You could find him," Skinner replied, trying to sound optimistic.
"...Yeah."
"All right. You be careful, you hear? I don't need to get up there and find out that you're lost too."
"Right."
"I'll try calling you back in another half hour."
"Okay."
Fox folded his phone up and shoved it back into his jacket pocket. He stopped, looking around and trying to think.
If he were Alex, in Alex's current state of mind, what would he be thinking? Where would he go?
He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to come up with some sort of answer, but his mind was a blank. Exhaustion and stark fear had robbed him of his ability to reason, and all he could do now was stay on his feet and keep looking.
Skinner snatched up his ringing phone, hoping for good news.
"Skinner."
"You're all set. There'll be a chopper fueled and standing by in less than twenty minutes."
"You guys are better connected than the Bureau," Skinner rumbled by way of a compliment.
"You sure you can't tell us what the hell's going on?"
"...Look. Long story short, okay? Krycek's missing, and Mulder's out there in the woods, frantically trying to find him. I need the helicopter in case we need to get him to a hospital in big hurry."
"If you find him?" Langly said. "That's one big area they're in."
"The rangers'll be out looking too," Skinner said. "We'll find him," he added with more confidence in his voice than he felt.
"Keep in touch," Langly said. "And tell Mulder to be careful."
"I will."
Skinner hung up and checked his watch. Almost time to check in with Mulder again.
The chilling ground crunched under Alex's feet as he walked through the dense woods. He didn't notice the drop in degrees. The cold he felt went far beyond simple air temperature.
Only a week ago, he was happy. He was optimistic and hopeful about his life. He had a man he worshipped and who adored him, by his side. Everything was wonderful.
One phone call smashed it all to bits.
No. That wasn't right. It wasn't the phone call. It was his stupidity that had led to the phone call.
The crunching faded as he heard something else. Scully's voice, in his mind, telling him what a worthless piece of shit he was. How filthy and vile...how utterly unworthy of Fox's love.
No matter what she'd tried to do to him, she was right about that.
And now, undeniable, merciless proof was staring him in the face.
//What'd you expect? You knew . You let this happen. How can you claim to love him and yet put him through all that you have?//
He stopped and searched the blackness.
//Things will never be all right for him again. But they can be better. You have to make it better.//
He turned toward the sound of water.
//He won't let go on his own. You have to help him. For his own good, you have to help him let go.//
"Alex!"
"...Hello?"
That wasn't Alex's voice.
Fox stopped looking around. Must have been a ranger.
"I'm here!" He turned in a circle, shining his flashlight into the surrounding trees.
"Stop! We see your light. Stay where you are, we're coming to you!"
Less than a minute later, two men walked toward Fox.
"Agent Mulder?"
"Yeah."
"I'm Ranger Gregory, this is McDonald. Our man's still missing, I take it."
"Yeah. I gotta find him. He's not in a very rational state of mind, and he's not wearing anything but jeans and a t-shirt."
"Well, there are more men out here now, but the dog you requested has a ways to travel, so it probably won't be here for a while."
Fox sighed and closed his eyes momentarily.
"Hey, man, you look like shit, if you don't mind me saying so," McDonald said. "Why don't you head in and get some rest?"
"I can't."
"Look, Agent Mulder. We can appreciate that you want to find this man, and we're gonna do our best to do that, but you won't be helping in the least if you get hurt or lost yourself out here, because you're too tired to function."
Fox was about to argue the point when his phone rang. Fumbling around in his pocket, he withdrew it and brought it to his ear.
"Yeah."
"It's me. Anything?"
"No. The rangers are here, though. They're looking too."
"Okay. I'll be to the cabin soon, and we've got a chopper ready to go on our word."
"A chopper?"
"Yeah. For when we find him."
Fox knew the words were meant to make him feel better.
"I made a phone call to the Gunmen, and they set it up. They've been a tremendous help."
"So have you."
There was a brief silence, then Skinner said, "I'll call you again when I get there."
Fox heard the soft click, then he disconnected and shoved the phone into his pocket.
"Anyway," Gregory picked up, "McDonald's right. You should go back to your cabin. Leave the searching to the people who know the area."
"I can't just sit and do nothing while he's still out here," Fox insisted. "You don't understand. You j...y-you don't understand."
"This guy's gonna drop," McDonald murmured to Gregory confidentially as Fox stepped away from them, scanning as far as his light would reach. "One of us should stay with him."
"Agreed. You stay. Walk him around a little, and I'll head out that way," Gregory said, pointing to the area to their left.
"All right. Keep in close contact."
Fox's head snapped around as McDonald approached from behind and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Where's he going?" he asked, nodding at the departing man.
"We're splitting up. I'm going with you."
"Afraid I'll get lost?" Fox asked, squinting out into the woods.
"Something like that."
"Well, let's go."
"You sure you don't want to rest a little?' McDonald asked. "You look like you're about ready to collapse."
"I'll rest when he's back," Fox answered resolutely, walking away.
McDonald swore softly and followed.
Alex sat at the edge of the lake, looking out at the gently moving, black water.
Fox would surely be looking for him by now. Probably had called for help, too.
They'd find him. It was all right. He never thought they wouldn't. He wanted them to. Fox would never stop looking if they didn't.
//It'll be all right, Fox. I love you. And I'm going to make it all right.//
Tears sprang to his eyes as the realization hit him again. This was it. It was over. It could have been so sweet. So good. For a short while it had been. They'd been so in love. So happy.
Alex let those thoughts warm him as he rose and walked into the cold water.
Skinner rolled up to the cabin and was immediately met by a ranger hurrying toward him. He shut the motor off and got out of the car, reaching for his I.D.
"I was just gonna ask," the ranger said, lifting his flashlight to read the other man's identification. "Whoa. Who is this missing man, anyway? Must be important to have an assistant director of the F.B.I. up here."
"Both men are friends of mine." Skinner strode over to the small command center located by the cabin. "What's going on?"
"Still out looking. I was about to check in with everyone."
"Do me a favor and find whoever's with Agent Mulder, first."
The ranger nodded and picked up his walkie talkie.
"Base to Gregory."
"...Gregory."
"Hey Jim, it's Westman."
"What's up, Carl?"
"You with that Mulder?"
"No, he's with McDonald. Mac, you there?"
"Yeah, I'm here. What've you got?"
"There's someone here at the cabin. An Assistant Director Skinner."
"Let me talk to him."
McDonald handed the radio to Fox.
"Walt?"
"Yeah, Mulder, I'm here."
"Did the dog get there yet?"
Skinner looked to the ranger.
"Any minute."
"He should be here very soon."
"Okay, uh...go into the cabin and get something of Alex's. There's a basket in the closet in the bedroom. There are some unwashed things of his in there."
"Okay. I'll wait for them, then we'll let you know where the dog heads."
"All right. Let me know when they get there, okay?"
"Will do."
Fox handed the radio back to McDonald.
"Carl? Hang on, I'll give you my coordinates so you know which direction to send us in."
Westman jotted down the information quickly. "Okay, Mac. I'll contact you as soon as I can."
"Thanks, Carl. Mac out."
The ranger re-holstered his radio and turned to Fox.
"Assistant Director?"
"Yeah," Fox whispered in answer to the man's question.
"Of the F.B.I.?"
"Yeah."
"So, if you don't mind me asking, why's the Bureau involved in this? Who's the man we're looking for?"
Fox was silent for a long second then turned a bleary-eyed stare on the other man.
"He's my lover."
McDonald didn't flinch.
"And he's very distraught over a very personal issue. Assistant Director Skinner is my boss as well as a good friend. He's here for support."
"I see." McDonald patted Fox on the back. "Well, we're gonna do everything we can to make sure we bring him back safe and sound."
Fox lowered his head and uttered a weary thank you.
A couple of minutes later, Skinner radioed to let them know that the dog had arrived and had been given the scent. Several minutes after that, Fox and McDonald were contacted again to be given directions.
They moved out immediately, hoping to meet up with the other party as quickly as possible.
"Rogers? Z'at you?"
The man stopped and shined his flashlight in the direction of the voice.
"Jim?"
"Yeah. Find anything?"
"Not a damn thing. We could be walking right by this guy, and if he's hiding..."
"I know. Well, at least the dog got here. They're searching now."
The minute the words were out of his mouth, his radio crackled.
"Gregory?"
"Yeah, Mac. Go ahead."
"We're trying to catch up to the dog but apparently, he's on a tear. What's your twenty?"
Gregory gave their approximate position, and McDonald answered back.
"Nah, you're nowhere near them. Is anybody in or around zone eighteen?"
Another voice answered in the affirmative.
"Who's that?"
"Ramos and White."
"Okay, stay put for a little bit. Sounds like they're heading in your direction."
"Will do."
Fox moved quickly, following McDonald, sheer adrenaline propelling him along. The fact that the dog was hot on Alex's scent filled him with hope and renewed vigor. They were going to find him soon. He could feel it.
"C'mon, boy. Pick it back up. We were doin' good."
The officer continued to encourage the Rottweiler as Skinner stood by, praying that the trail hadn't gone cold. Several yards away, the dog became active again, plunging ahead.
"He's got it. Let's go!"
Skinner bolted after the team, catching up to them seconds later as they dashed through the thick grove of trees. As they moved along, Skinner spotted two halos of light coming up on their left. He slowed down to allow them time to catch up.
"Who's there?"
"Rangers Ramos and White. Are you A.D. Skinner?" White asked as they came into sight.
"Yeah. Dog's up ahead. He's got a good scent."
The two men reached him, and the three raced to catch up to the officer, who was being pulled through the thinning woods. As they barreled along, the officer pulled out his radio.
"This is Officer Tyler. Looks like we're heading toward Rock Creek Lake."
Everyone responded quickly and abandoned their own searches to head that way.
"Rock Creek Lake," Fox said as he and McDonald turned sharply to their right. "About how far are we from there?"
"Uh...'bout fifteen minutes at this rate."
"Let's make it faster."
"You're in no condition for a jog, Agent."
"I'm fine. Let's go."
At that, McDonald broke into a moderate run, Fox keeping up admirably for a man who'd had no real sleep to speak of in the last few days.
The dog ran back and forth along the lake, looking out into the darkness. The men who'd followed him scanned what little they could see with their flashlights.
"I was afraid the trail would end at the water," Tyler said. "Is he a strong swimmer?"
"I don't know."
"He could have gone in and come out on the other side," White suggested, "if he's a good swimmer. People do it."
"In which case, we would have lost him," Skinner muttered. "That's the last thing I want to tell Mulder when he gets here."
"Wait," Tyler said, the urgency in his voice stopping all conversation. "What's that?"
"What?" Ramos and White asked in unison, shining their lights at the same spot where Tyler had his aimed.
A feeling of dread so strong overtook Skinner that the rest of the men's words faded into a dull buzz.
//No. It isn't. It can't...//
Before he knew what he was doing, he was shrugging his jacket off and plunging into the cold water amid the shouts of the other men.
"Hey, what're you... damn ," Ramos cursed, handing his radio to his partner. "Keep those lights on us," he instructed, following Skinner in. A short time later, the two returned, hauling something with them. As they got closer, the two men left on the bank realized that it was a body.
"Shit. Oh, shit," Tyler growled, rushing to help as they reached the shore. "Is it him?"
All Skinner could do was nod as they dragged Alex up onto the shore.
Ramos checked for vitals and swore softly. "Clear his lungs. Begin CPR."
"Nothing?" Skinner asked, as the other two men went to work.
Ramos shook his head. "We're going to try, though. Pray that he wasn't in the water that long." He grabbed for a radio, and Skinner grasped his hand before he could speak into it.
"Watch what you say. Mulder's listening."
Ramos nodded briefly then cleared his throat.
"Base, this is Ramos."
"Base. Ramos, what's up?"
"The paramedics there?"
"Yep."
"Send 'em down to Rock Creek Lake on the double."
"On their way."
In the meantime, Skinner had called for the chopper, giving their coordinates, supplied by White.
The other searchers heard Ramos' transmission and picked up the pace, hurrying down to the lake. Fox and McDonald also heard, the two men simultaneously breaking into a flat out sprint. Less than two minutes later, they were there.
Skinner jumped up to meet them, keeping Fox from rushing to the downed man.
"Is it him?" he asked desperately, reading the look in the other man's eyes but needing to hear the words. "Walt, is it him ?"
"Mulder, calm down. Just catch your breath and let the men take care of him."
No way.
Fox shoved past Skinner and ran to the huddled men, falling to his knees beside them.
"Alex," he sobbed, watching his wet, motionless lover as the rangers worked on him. His eyes rose to Skinner. "He was in the lake?"
Skinner nodded. "We don't know how long." He held out his hand. "C'mon, Mulder. Let's get out of their way."
Fox wasn't listening.
"Alex...baby, come on. Come on, don't do this to me..."
The rangers continued CPR until the paramedics arrived.
Quickly assessing Alex's condition, one continued CPR with White, while the other called in to the nearest hospital.
"...Patient is cyanotic. No pulse. Respiration is nil. Pupils are fixed and dilated..."
Fox didn't hear the instructions. He couldn't get past the paramedic's words. Basically, the man was saying that Alex was dead.
No. He couldn't accept that. He wouldn't.
"Mulder..."
Wild eyes turned up to Skinner.
"Mulder..."
"No," Fox gasped. "Don't you say it." He turned to the paramedics. And don't you stop!" he shouted above the roar of the descending helicopter.
"We won't," one paramedic promised. "We haven't lost anybody on this lake yet. Let's establish an airway before we load him," he said to the other. "...Okay, bag him."
Seconds later, they were putting Alex on the chopper. Fox fell in beside him, insisting on taking over compressions as one of the paramedics continued to fill his lungs with air.
"Alex, please," he whispered. "Don't leave me. You can't leave me."
They continued CPR until the helicopter landed twenty minutes later at the hospital, and the waiting doctors took over.
Fox was not allowed to follow as they whisked Alex into the E.R. He stood instead, outside the door, watching the flurry of activity inside, and completely oblivious to the unrelenting commotion around him. His brain began to work wildly, looking for reasons for this other than the one at the front of his mind. An eternity later, Skinner and two rangers burst in.
"He's in there," Fox said, pointing at the window even as his bloodshot eyes searched the A.D.'s. "No one's come out to say anything yet."
"Then they must have revived him. I'm sure they will as soon as there's something to tell."
"It's been hours."
"Only about two."
"He was so..." Fox stopped, licking his lower lip. "...upset. So scared." He looked back at the small window. "Not for himself. With all that's happened to him, he's never thought about himself. It was me." He took a deep, stuttering breath and started again. "I think he did this for...for m-me. Oh, God."
Skinner's eyes went from Fox to the window.
"I thought he'd try to run away," Fox said. "Like he did before. It never occurred to me that he'd...and...and now..."
Skinner grasped Fox's shoulders, supporting the younger man as he shuddered with the effort to hold himself together.
"What if he was under too long..." Tears spilled over. "There was nothing. They couldn't get a pulse or...or a...even if they have revived him, he could still..."
"Mulder," Skinner whispered roughly, squeezing the other man's shoulders. What could he say? What the hell could he possibly say?
"Just...wait for the doctor."
"Why couldn't I make him understand?" Fox asked, genuinely confused. "I tried every way that I knew."
Skinner gave no answer.
"I promised him that I wouldn't fail him again, you know? But that's exactly what I keep doing."
"You did not fail him," Skinner said, his tone strong and sure.
"I did. I failed to get him to understand that no matter what, it was him and me. I failed to make him see that I could not and would not ever leave him."
"He knows that's how you feel," Skinner murmured. "And he loves you for it. But he loves you so much that he feels he can't possibly put you through all the..."
Skinner's words were interrupted by the opening door.
Terrified, Fox faced the doctor, Skinner right behind him.
"We've revived him. I'm sorry, someone should have come out much earlier to tell you, but this place is crazy tonight."
Skinner gripped Fox from behind, feeling the younger man's body begin to sway.
"His body temperature is coming back up slowly, and his vitals aren't as erratic. He's not out of danger yet, though," he cautioned. "He hasn't regained consciousness, and he's on a ventilator."
Fox nodded absently, still looking for something more positive.
"I need to tell you that the longer he takes to come out of this, the less likely..."
That wasn't it.
"We know that," Skinner answered, mercifully cutting off the doctor's words.
"I want to see him," Fox said flatly.
"Are you a family member?"
"I'm not a relative," Fox said. "But I'm all the family he has, and don't you dare give me any shit about only relatives being able to..."
"They're moving him to the I.C.U.," the doctor cut in gently. "You can go with him. A hospital rep will be in shortly to get his patient information."
Fox walked through the doors before the last word had even left the doctor's lips, but Skinner stayed behind.
"Doctor..."
"Jensen."
Skinner shook the man's hand. "Doctor Jensen, realistically speaking, what are his chances?"
Jensen sighed, running a hand through his thinning hair.
"We take care of lots of drowning victims as you might imagine. Some actually worse off than your friend, and I've seen them make full recoveries. And I'll be honest with you. There were those not as badly off, who've died or suffered irreparable brain damage." The doctor shrugged. "We're doing all we can but there are absolutely no guarantees."
"I understand," Skinner rasped and looked toward the emergency room. "I'd like to join them now, if I can."
Jensen nodded. "Your friend there looks like he needs all the support he can get."
Skinner thanked the doctor, updated the rangers, then he jogged to catch up to Fox as he followed the orderlies, who were wheeling Alex to the I.C.U.
Once they were settled in a room, Fox pulled a chair up to Alex's bed, sitting as close to his unconscious lover as he could. Picking up the limp hand closest to him, he enfolded it gently in his own.
"What were you talking to the doctor about?" he asked, barely heard by Skinner.
"Just asking when we could expect some change," Skinner answered, not entirely dishonestly.
"What'd he say?" Fox croaked, his eyes never leaving Alex's face.
"He didn't know. They just have to keep a close eye on him."
"He'll wake up," Fox whispered, kissing the hand he held. "You have to wake up, Alex. You think that it'd be best for me if you weren't here, but that's not true. It's not." His voice began to crack. "I need you. I can't...can't think of life without you." He dropped his head to the mattress. "Don't make me. Please don't make me."
Skinner stood quietly, not knowing what to do for his stricken friend. His eyes left Fox and went to Alex, lying so still in the bed, and suddenly his eyes stung with unwelcome tears even as his heart thudded painfully in his chest.
//Jesus, Alex.//
How much could one man go through? Even if he came through this okay, look what else waited for him. A life full of medications and worry and tests.
He stepped over to a chair and sat down. The motion drew Fox's attention to him.
"You must be uncomfortable."
Skinner lifted his head from his hand and tilted his head curiously.
"You're still wet."
"A little."
"Why don't you go find some dry clothes?"
"I guess I should. You gonna be okay for a while?"
Fox nodded, and Skinner rose from the chair. Before he could leave the room, the other man's voice stopped him.
"Walt."
"Yeah?"
"I didn't thank you...for pulling him out."
Skinner held up a hand and shook his head, and then he was gone, leaving Fox alone with Alex.
Fox returned his attention to the comatose man, brushing a few damp strands of hair away from his forehead.
"He's been a better friend than we'd ever imagined." He smiled weakly. "I think he's still got a little crush on you, you know. Can't blame him." He pressed another kiss to Alex's hand. "What's not to love?"
"Excuse me."
The I.C.U. nurse looked up from her station.
"Yes, sir?"
"Can you direct me to the closest place, where I can pick up some clothing? These are pretty wet."
"Are you here with a patient?"
"Yes. Alex Krycek in one-twelve."
The nurse looked down at the list of patients. "Oh, the near drowning victim they just brought in?"
"Right."
She eyed him admiringly. "Looks like you're the one who rescued him?"
"A ranger and myself."
"Well," she smiled. "Can't let a hero walk around all wet. If you want, I can get you a pair of scrubs and throw your things in the laundry."
Skinner would have argued the 'hero' point with the nurse, but all he wanted to do was change and get back to Alex's room.
"That would be fine. Thank you."
Minutes later, he had taken the offered clothing from the nurse and gone into the men's room to change. Quickly, he stripped off the wet things and put the scrubs on then went back out to the desk, where the nurse was waiting.
"I'll have these back to you in an hour or so," the nurse said, taking the clothing from Skinner and offering another flattering smile.
"Thank you. I really do appreciate it."
He turned and walked back toward the room, entering quietly. There was no movement from Fox, and he moved carefully toward the bed to get a better look at the other man.
Asleep. Finally. After days of exhaustion.
He pulled up a chair and sat, looking at Alex.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry I ever doubted that you love him." He glanced at Fox then back to Alex. "And I'm sorry for all the hell you've both been through." He lifted a hand and briefly stroked Alex's arm before letting it rest on the warming flesh. "You make it through this, you hear me, Krycek? I don't know what the hell you were thinking, but not having you around would never be the best thing for Mulder. No matter how bad you think his life is going to be, it'd be a thousand times worse without you."
Skinner sat back, making himself as comfortable as possible and closed his eyes.
//Give it to me!//
//No, it's mine!//
//Girls, don't fight.//
//It's my doll!//
//Dana, the doll is Melissa's.//
//But I want it, I want it, I want it!//
//If you don't stop that tantrum right now, you're going to get a good spanking.//
//But I want it!//
// Dana .//
The child grabbed the doll out of her sister's hands, and before the other child could react, she threw it to the ground and began stomping on it.
Melissa's screams resonated in her head, but she wouldn't stop. Rage over her sister's refusal to give her what she wanted made her continue until the doll lay in tiny, porcelain shards at her feet.
//Look what you made me do!//
Melissa's sobs faded into the background as she stared down at the pieces, and she, herself began to cry.
Scully jerked upright in her bed, tears streaming down her face.
It was a dream.
She drew a few deep breaths and lowered her head to bent knees.
Though a bit inaccurate, it had reflected a real incident in her life.
It had happened when she was six. Melissa's godmother had bought her that porcelain doll for her birthday. She'd had plenty of dolls; they both had. But none as beautiful as that. And she wanted it. Melissa would never let her play with it, so one day she just took it. Melissa had caught her, and a bitter fight ensued. In a rage she had indeed thrown the doll to the floor and stomped on it. Melissa's anguished sobs had brought both parents running. Dana hadn't denied what she'd done. In fact, she'd stood there, little fists balled up, fury still bubbling through her, and she railed at the unfairness of Melissa's possession of such a wonderful doll when all she had was 'junk'.
She'd received a sound spanking for what she'd done, and when her parents insisted that she apologize, she stood defiant, refusing to express any shred of regret. She had been placed on punishment for two weeks. She could not recall ever making that apology, but she had overhear her parents talking about a week later, and her mother laying all the blame for her show of temper on her father's 'blood'. She hadn't understood what that had meant for many years.
Though she would always remain 'feisty', to use her grandmother's word, she'd only displayed that kind of rage one other time in her childhood. And then never again. Not until recently.
And though he was as far from a porcelain doll as he could get, Alex Krycek stood for something very similar. Mulder had him, she wanted him, and if she couldn't get what she wanted...
She wrapped her arms around her knees and stared at nothing, her mind going blank.
She'd destroyed that doll. No amount of gluing in the world could ever have fixed it.
Fox awoke with a start, eyes darting around before resting on the man right in front of him.
"I'm sorry, sir. Did I wake you?"
The voice roused Skinner as Fox turned to find whom he assumed to be the hospital rep standing behind him.
"No, I...I don't know."
"I'm sorry," she said again. "But might we fill out these forms now since you're awake?"
"Is that really necessary right now?" Skinner asked. This man hasn't had any decent sleep for days."
Fox lifted his hands to his face, scrubbing at it briefly before giving Skinner a weary smile.
"Thanks, Walt. I'm okay." He turned to Alex, leaning in and kissing the unconscious man's cheek before giving the woman his attention.
"I'll try to make this as fast as possible."
Fox nodded politely and tried to answer all of the woman's questions, though his attention kept drifting back to Alex. When the woman had finished, she thanked Fox, nodded at Skinner, and quietly exited the room, leaving them alone.
"Why don't you try and go back to sleep? You've only been out for about an hour."
Fox breathed deeply and rested his head in his hand on the mattress by Alex's head.
"Do you think he'll wake up?"
"I don't know," Skinner answered honestly.
"You always hear about people who've made miraculous recoveries after some horrible event, and everyone always credits it to a strong will to live. If he had that, we wouldn't be here right now, would we?" Fox asked, not expecting an answer.
"Just...talk to him, Mulder. Tell him how you feel. I know you've done that already..."
"It's all I've done. Look at all the good it's done."
"But consciously, he could block you out. There were other things going through his mind. He has no choice but to listen, now. You talk to him. Tell him what this has done to you. What losing him would do."
Skinner went silent then, slouching back in his chair and again closing his eyes.
"He doesn't look at me anymore."
Skinner opened his eyes and sat up straight.
Fox raised his eyes to the other man.
"Since the day we heard the test results." Fox shrugged hopelessly. "He looks everywhere but at me."
"You know that he's afraid."
"I know. Doesn't make it hurt any less."
The room went silent again, and Fox rested his cheek on the edge of the bed, tenderly stroking Alex's head. He stayed that way for so long that he began to hear soft snoring coming from the other side of the bed. He lifted his head to look at Skinner for a moment before returning his gaze to his comatose lover.
"Alex," he whispered. "Can you hear me, sweetheart?" Fox sighed, absently playing with the other man's hair. "I think I know what you were trying to do. But don't you know that losing you would kill me? I mean literally kill me. If you don't make it through this, neither will I. I love you so much, Alex. So much more than I can ever tell you, and I won't stay without you. This isn't blackmail. It's fact."
Fox paused for a bit, fighting back tears.
"Baby, please. Please," he begged. "Stay with me. Let me love you. It's all I want to do, and if you won't let me..."
The tears won, tracking down Fox's stubbled cheeks, and his lower lip began to tremble.
"I'm tired, Alex." He began to cry softly. "God, I'm so tired."
Skinner moved quietly down the hall, listening to the beeps and wheezes of the machinery around him.
What a depressing place to have to work in. He didn't know how the nurses did it day in and day out. He'd been here for a little more than a day, and it was starting to get to him.
Passing the nurses' station, he didn't notice their admiring stares. He turned into Alex's room and set some of the bags down on the tray and the others on the floor.
"Everything you need is in that blue bag," he said, nodding toward the packages by the chair against the wall. "The other one is for Alex. Go shower and change, and then have some lunch."
Fox adjusted Alex's sheet and kissed the warm forehead.
"Call me if he..."
"You know I will. Now go."
One more look at Alex and Fox got out of the chair, grimacing as he stretched his cramped muscles.
"You can't spend another night in that chair," Skinner droned as Fox picked up the bag. "After lunch, I'm going to find the nearest motel."
"I can't leave him," Fox said flatly.
"Mulder..."
"I won't leave him."
Skinner watched Fox slip through the door.
"Christ."
Rubbing a hand over his head, he walked toward the bed and looked down at Alex.
"You gotta wake up, Alex. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with him if you don't."
He covered Alex's hand briefly with his own then got up and left the room.
Fox sighed as he stepped under the water. He wished he could take his time and enjoy the warm, relaxing spray, but there would be no relaxation until Alex was out of the woods.
//If that ever happens.//
//It will,// he told his negative side. //Don't ever think that again. Skinner believes he'll be all right. Why can't you be as positive?//
He smiled a little at the thought that Skinner had thought to buy clothing for Alex too. Whether the other man genuinely believed that Alex would come out of it, or if it was only for his sake, Fox was grateful.
Shutting his eyes, he scrubbed vigorously, and once he was done, stepped out and dried quickly. Throwing on his new clothing, he gathered his things and hastily made his way back to Alex's room.
Already back, Skinner looked up from the book he'd begun reading.
"You look better...a little," he said, taking in the red, shadowed eyes and unshaven face. Saying nothing more, he nodded at the bag on the tray.
Fox crept over to the bed, checking on Alex before picking up the bag.
"Doctor was here this morning while you were out," he said softly, pulling the bag's contents out and placing them on the tray. "Said they're gonna take him down later this afternoon for more tests."
"Hopefully, they'll get some kind of conclusive results from them," Skinner said.
"Yeah." Fox unwrapped the sandwich and stared at it. "That's what I'm afraid of."
Two hours later, Alex was taken away, and as Fox paced the length of the room, the door opened, and two orderlies came in, wheeling a bed with them.
"What's that?" Fox asked. "This is a private room."
"Just following orders," one man said.
"I suggest you double check those orders, because this shouldn't be here."
"Easy, Mulder," Skinner said, coming into the room and noting the combative glare in the younger man's eyes. "The bed's for you."
Fox looked from the bed to Skinner. "Me?"
"While you were in the shower earlier, I went and pulled a few strings and got you a bed. You can't sleep in that chair another night, and since you won't come with me to the motel..."
The two men exited the room, leaving Fox and Skinner alone. Fox stared at the other man intently.
"When are you going to stop coming to our rescue?"
"As soon as you stop getting yourselves into trouble," Skinner growled. "Which, knowing you , should be the Tuesday after never."
"Thank you," Fox rasped, eyeing the bed longingly.
"Why don't you take a nap?"
"Not until they bring him back."
"That could be a while. You'll wake up when they bring him back in. Go on. Lie down."
Too tired to argue anymore, Fox trudged over to the bed and lay down, a loud sigh pushing past his lips.
"When's the last time you slept in a bed?"
"I don't know," Fox mumbled. "Days."
Skinner shook his head and said nothing more, hoping Fox would fall asleep. To his relief, Fox was out only minutes later, and he relaxed again with his book.
Over two hours later the door opened, and Alex was brought in. And sure enough, Fox opened his eyes and was at his side before Skinner thought he was even really awake.
"Alex." Fox caressed his lover's forehead, dropping tiny kisses over his face. "You're back in your room, baby. They just needed to do some tests to see why you're not waking up. But you're going to, right? You're going to open your eyes soon. You've got the prettiest eyes, Alex. So easy to get lost in them..."
Skinner bowed his head and tried to return to his reading, but it was difficult not to listen to Fox's sorrowful plea.
"Open your eyes, sweetheart. You...you don't have to look at me. You don't have to talk to me. I just want you to wake up. Please ."
He watched for a while, praying for something. A sigh. The flutter of an eyelid. Finally, he lowered his head to the mattress and closed his eyes.
Night two.
Skinner kicked off his shoes and switched on the television.
He'd left Fox less than an hour ago at the hospital, making sure the other man had had something to eat before he did. He made Fox promise to get some rest, and then he walked out of the room and the hospital, breathing deeply, drawing in the fresh, night air as he made his way to his car.
He drove the short distance to the motel with the windows down, and once he got into his room, he opened its single window then settled down with his food. Less than halfway through, his eyes began to close.
//Damn.//
Who knew that sitting around all day could be such a tiresome thing?
Setting the food aside, he removed his glasses and slouched down against the pillows. Minutes later, he fell soundly asleep and didn't awaken until almost four hours later, when his eyes snapped open, and he sat up, heart pounding.
"Shit." He slammed a hand down on top of his head. "Oh, shit !"
Fox shifted for the millionth time, trying to find a comfortable position, but none was to be had. The doctor's earlier assurances that he'd have the test results by tomorrow afternoon the latest, agitated Fox greatly. He'd wanted them now if not sooner, and it took Skinner several hours to calm him.
But now he couldn't sleep. All that kept running through his mind were the horrid possibilities. And a mind as fertile as his could make up some pretty good...
"Mulder."
Fox sat up, staring wide-eyed at the darkened figure in the doorway.
"What're you doing here?" he asked Skinner, breathlessly. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know. I'm not sure."
"What?"
Skinner turned on the light, making the other man squint sharply.
"I don't know why I didn't think of this before." The older man rushed forward and pulled up a chair. "I mean...it could be nothing, or it could be I don't know...nothing."
"Walt, you're making my head hurt," Fox said. "What're you talking about?"
"Scully."
"That's not really a name that's high on my list of priorities right now."
"Maybe it should be."
Fox shook his head in confusion.
"I'm sorry. Listen. The day that you and Alex went to get tested...remember I was supposed to meet you there?"
"Yeah."
"And I got delayed, and I got there very shortly after you had gone."
"Right."
"Well, the lab wasn't empty. Scully was there."
Fox's brows drew down into a frown.
"I don't know she was doing there, but she seemed to be trying awfully hard to look innocent."
"What're you saying?"
"I'm saying ..." Skinner heaved a hard sigh. "I didn't think a whole lot of it that day. I don't know what brought it to me tonight, but...Mulder, what if..." Skinner clenched his jaw. "I hate to say this, because I don't want to give you any false hopes, and now especially isn't the best time, but..."
Fox tried to follow as best as his muddled brain would allow.
"What if somehow she found out that you and Alex had been there and why, and she... did something."
Fox simply stared.
"Mulder, what if she altered Alex's test somehow?"
"You..." Fox's mouth dropped open then snapped shut. "I was about to ask if you really thought she'd be capable of something like that but...oh God, Walt. What if she did? What if he's not sick at all, and none of this had to happen?" He went from anguished to furious in nothing flat. "I'll kill her. I'll fucking tear her apart with my own hands."
"Easy, Mulder. This is just wild speculation on my part. The thing to do now is talk to the doctor and get them to test him tomorrow. Then we'll take it from there."
Fox leaned forward, tenting his hands over his mouth.
"Oh, my God." He looked up at Skinner. "Every time I think this couldn't possibly get any worse..."
Skinner shook his head. "I'm sorry, Mulder. I'm...maybe I should have kept this to myself until..."
"Until what? Until you went to Scully and asked her? You really think she'd tell you if she altered his test?" Fox closed his eyes and tilted his head back. "Just the thought of it...the idea that the woman who was my very best friend for years would put someone I love as much as I love Alex through the hell that she has..."
"Not just Alex. You too."
"Yeah, but I think I could forgive it somehow if it was just me. I'd be willing to dig deep and find the reasons that I know must be there somewhere." Fox shook his head and looked at the unconscious man. "Look at him. She did this to him. She's broken him mentally and physically, and even if he comes out of this, I don't know if I'll ever be able to put him back together."
The men stayed up the rest of the night, talking and speculating, and the minute the doctor came in for rounds in the morning, Fox explained the situation to him and arranged for Alex to be tested.
Fox smiled sadly, watching the nurse draw Alex's blood half an hour later.
"He doesn't like needles. I held his hand the last time we did this."
Skinner snorted softly. "Who would've thought?"
The two men sat for the rest of the day, watching Alex and having the occasional conversation, and at around eight-thirty, after Skinner had made sure that Fox had had something to eat, he left.
Alone again with his silent lover, Fox began to feel the exhaustion that had been a part of him for many days now. Slowly, he got out of his chair and leaned over the other man, dropping several soft kisses over his forehead.
"I'm tired, baby. I'm going to lie down now. But I'm only a couple of feet away. Okay?" Another kiss. "Goodnight, Alex."
Moving to his bed, he stretched out and closed his eyes.
Fox opened his eyes, awakening from a dream he wished he could have lingered in.
He and Alex, hand in hand, walking by the very lake that Alex had been found floating face down in. They were content. Talking softly. Smiling.
A wave of pain washed over him, and he turned, burying his face in his pillow for a moment before sitting up and checking his watch.
Ten o'clock.
Only an hour and a half after Skinner had left.
His gaze shifted from his watch to Alex's motionless form, and the pain flared again.
Reining it in the best way he could, he dragged himself out of the bed and walked over to Alex. Smoothing the sheet around the other man's shoulders, he looked at Alex's shadowed face, and his heart skipped several beats before beginning to pound triple time.
"Alex."
Dark eyes glittered in the spare light coming in through the door's window, and they slowly moved from one side to the other.
Fox grabbed for the button to call the nurse, pressing frantically before he let it drop, then he sat on the edge of the bed.
"Baby," he gasped, his eyes filling with tears.
Alex's eyes stopped scanning, and he looked directly up at Fox.
"You're in the hospital. You almost drowned."
The dark gaze slipped away.
Before Fox could say anything more, the nurse came in.
"He's awake."
The nurse looked from Fox to Alex, turning on the small light at the head of the bed.
"Well, look at you," the woman smiled down at him. "Let me get a few vitals here, then we'll get the on call doc to come and have a look at you."
She shooed Fox away, but he remained hovering nearby, anxiously waiting for her to finish. The moment she did, he moved in again, taking up his post at the edge of the bed.
Alex looked away as Fox lifted his hand to his mouth for a tender kiss.
"It's all right, baby," he whispered against the limp hand. "It's all right."
Skinner grunted and felt around for his cell phone. Finding it, he sat up and answered.
"Walt."
Skinner looked quickly at his travel clock.
"Mulder. What..."
"He's awake."
"He's..."
"The doctor was just here. He's happy with what he sees. They're going to wait for the admitting physician to look at him tomorrow, and then they'll probably remove the tube."
"Mulder," Skinner breathed, "that's...that's great. "Did you say anything to him about the test?"
"No. There's no sense in upsetting him all over again. I want to wait until we get the results. If they're the same, he need never know what we suspected."
"Good idea. So, aside from what you just said, how is he? How does he seem?"
"He still won't look at me. God knows what he's thinking. I don't know if he'd tell me even if he could."
"Just hang on, Mulder. He's awake. Concentrate on that."
"I am," Fox sniffed as he looked through the window at Alex. "I'm uh...I'm in the hall. I'm going to go back in to him."
"All right. I'll be there in the morning."
"Okay."
"Get some rest."
"I don't know how I'm going to," Fox answered. "All I want to do is look at him."
"Try. You have to try."
"I...I will. Thanks."
Fox disconnected and pushed the door open, carefully approaching the bed.
"So," he breathed, sitting down. "The doctor seemed pretty happy with you. He thinks you're going to be fine." He reached for Alex's hand and held it. "I was so scared, Alex." He brought the hand up to his cheek and pressed it there, closing his eyes. "I was so scared."
He sat up the rest of the night, watching Alex drift in and out of sleep, and in the early morning, Doctor Jensen came in and kicked him out while he examined Alex.
Fox sat outside the door, head leaned up against the wall, and just as he'd started drifting off to sleep, Skinner approached.
"You're going to fall out of that chair."
Fox's eyes snapped open, and he turned his head, giving the other man a bleary-eyed smile.
"I'm so tired, I don't think I'd know it if I did."
The two men watched a nurse enter the room, wheeling a covered tray, and Fox sighed.
"Been out here for..." He looked at his watch. "...twenty minutes. What the hell is he doing in there?"
"You mean you haven't peeked in the window?"
Fox laughed softly. "Kind of afraid to."
"I'm sure it'll be fine."
Fox just closed his eyes and covered them with his hands. A couple of minutes later, he looked up as Alex's door opened, and the nurse emerged, wheeling the tray out, with the doctor right behind her.
"How is he?" Fox asked, standing to meet Jensen's eyes.
"I'm pleased. Very pleased, actually. We've removed the tube. He's going to be sore for a few days, so don't expect a whole lot of conversation."
Fox nodded his understanding. "What about the test?"
"As soon as I'm finished with my rounds, I'll go check on it."
"Thank you."
The man patted Fox's shoulder. "Hang in there. I'll be back as soon as I've got something for you." He looked to Skinner. "Can you see to it that this man gets some rest?"
"Easier said than done," Skinner murmured, making the doctor smile. The minute he left, Fox spun around and looked into the window.
"He doesn't know you're here. I didn't tell him."
"You want to do that before I come in?"
"Yeah. Uh...yeah. Maybe I should, Gimme a minute, okay?"
Skinner nodded, and Fox entered the room, leaving him waiting in the hall.
"Hey, babe," Fox said softly, coming to sit on Alex's bed. "It's good to see you without that tube. You're getting better."
Alex kept his eyes averted.
"Umm...I've got something to tell you. When you went missing, I called Skinner. He was already on a plane out to us. He was worried and got the Gunmen to track us down. Anyway, he made it out and joined the search that I had going for you. He uh...he was with the group that found you, and he's the one who dragged you out of the water."
Alex's eyes closed.
"Anyway, he's uh... he's here. He'd like to see you. Is that okay?"
He got the answer he expected.
Fox paused for a minute more then got up and let Skinner in. The older man entered the room and advanced toward the bed.
"Hello, Alex."
The only movement they detected was the increasingly deepening crease between the younger man's eyes.
"It looks like you're going to be okay. I can't tell you how happy I was to hear that."
Fox looked up at the older man and shook his head. In the following silence, a volunteer entered with an insulated pitcher, and cup, and a spoon.
"Doc said he can have some ice chips if he wants."
"Okay, thanks."
The woman smiled and left, and Fox returned his attention to Alex.
"You want some ice chips, sweetheart? It'll help soothe your throat."
Alex refused still to look at either of them.
"Baby, please. It'll help."
Nothing.
Fox turned to Skinner, frustration showing in his face.
"Mulder, he's doing well now. Why don't you take a nap?"
Fox shook his head. "But the..."
"I'll wake you," Skinner said, reading Fox's thoughts.
"I don't know," Fox murmured, looking back at Alex.
"He's not going to talk to you. Not right now, anyway. Get some rest. I'll be right here."
Fox sighed and raised a hand tentatively to Alex's cheek.
"Alex?"
No response.
"Baby, I'm going to take a nap. If you need me, I'll only be a couple of feet away, okay? Skinner'll be here too."
Dusting the younger man's hair with a kiss, he rose from the bed and laid down on his own.
Though Skinner didn't think it would happen, Fox fell asleep within minutes. For more than half an hour he watched Alex quietly, then he got up and walked over to the bed.
"I know you're awake."
Alex's eyes closed, his respiration steady, it seemed that Skinner was wrong. But still he spoke.
"I know what's going on. All of it. I know what you're doing. I know you think it's what's right. I'm here to tell you, Alex...it couldn't be more wrong."
He saw Alex's mouth twitch but that was all.
"Do you know how frantic he was while you were missing? Do you know how much sleep he's lost since you've been in California? Do you know how terrified he was these past couple of days that you wouldn't wake up?"
No response.
"Do you know that if you hadn't come out of this, it would have killed him? That's no exaggeration." Skinner drew a heavy breath. "Look at him, Alex. Even asleep, he looks like a man who's been through the worst kind of hell. This is what he's been brought to. And it will not get better if you're gone. You've got to get that insane notion out of your head. He could never have a life without you."
Alex didn't move.
"Do you love him, Alex? Really ? If you do, you need to stop this. Now. You think he'll be a prisoner if he stays with you. No. He's a prisoner now . You're doing everything you can to push him away, but he won't leave. He'll never leave. He'll just exist here in this state of limbo you've created for him. Is that what a person does to someone he loves? Is it?"
Skinner went quiet and moved away from the bed. He took his seat by the door and picked up the book he'd left. He tried to read, but his clicking brain wouldn't allow him to concentrate.
How the hell was this going to play out? There were so many roads they could tumble down, most of them rocky. How much worse could it get?
He knew he shouldn't ask that question. The odds of finding out were greater than he was comfortable with.
His gaze drifted from his sleeping friend to the one who lay awake, and it stayed there. His pulse quickened as he found Alex looking at Fox, his eyes filled with tears.
So, maybe something he said did get through.
//Oh God, please.//
He said nothing, preferring to let Alex give some good long thought to what he'd said. Almost two hours later, Doctor Jensen walked in and checked on Alex, who was sleeping at the moment.
"How is he?"
"In and out. He doesn't seem to be in much discomfort."
"Has he attempted to speak?"
"No." Skinner changed the subject. "You have what we were waiting for?"
The doctor nodded at Skinner. "Will you wake Mr. Mulder? I'll be out in the hall."
Skinner took a deep breath and lifted himself from the chair. Quietly, he walked over to Fox's bed and laid a hand on the sleeping man's shoulder.
"Mulder."
Fox awoke with a start, jerking upright and blinking at the A.D.
"Hmm? What?"
"Sorry. Doctor Jensen is outside. He's waiting for you."
With that Fox was wide awake.
"Okay." He looked to Alex, who was still asleep. "Well...let's go."
"Do you want me to be there with you?"
"Of course I do."
Skinner nodded and backed away, allowing Fox the room to stand.
"You okay?" he asked as the younger man swayed a bit.
"Yeah. Just a little anxious, I guess."
Fox checked on Alex once more, and the two men walked out to meet the doctor.
Jensen turned to face the pair as he heard them approach.
"Sorry to have to wake you, but I know you wanted the results as soon as I had them."
Unable to get any sound past the lump in his throat, Fox nodded.
"Well, Mr. Mulder, according to the test we did yesterday, Mr. Krycek is not HIV positive."
The room rushed past Fox in a blur. He felt the solid weight of Skinner's body against his back, and the older man's arms come around him, holding him up.
He recognized the voices but couldn't respond to them.
"Mulder...deep breath."
".....into a chair....some water."
A cup was being pushed against his lips, and he was being coaxed to sip at the cool water.
The fuzzy image of his boss appeared in front of him, and he closed his eyes in an attempt to clear the vision.
"Walt," he gasped after the third sip. "Tell me. Tell me."
"You heard right," Skinner said, squatting in front of Fox and grasping his wrist. "Alex is negative. He's okay."
Still dazed, Fox blinked and looked up at the doctor. "You're sure?"
"One hundred percent positive."
Fox doubled over, resting his head on his knees.
"That's it. Breathe," Skinner encouraged as Fox took breath after deep breath.
"Mr. Mulder, maybe you should go back in and lie down," Doctor Jensen suggested. "The obvious shock of this news and total exhaustion does not mix well."
"I'm all right." Fox lifted his head and blew out a hard breath. "I'm..." He lifted a hand and swiped it across his top lip. "...I'm all right, I...I gotta see Alex. He has to know."
"All right," Skinner agreed, "but if he's still asleep, you go lie down until he wakes up. Deal?"
"I can't." Fox said, his eyes brimming with tears. "He's negative, Walt. He's all right. I have to tell him. I have to..."
"All right, all right." Skinner looked up at the doctor, shaking his head.
"Stubborn, is he?"
"You have no idea." Skinner rose to his feet and held his hand out to Jensen. "Thank you. This means everything in the world to him."
"I'm glad I could bring you good news."
Skinner helped Fox up and, one arm anchored securely around the other man's waist, he walked him toward the door. Stopping just short of opening it, he turned to Fox.
"You okay?"
Fox nodded and pushed the door open. On quaking legs, he slowly shuffled over to Alex's bed and lowered himself to the edge of the mattress. Alex's eyes, which had been open when he and Skinner came in, now closed, and the younger man turned his head.
"Baby." He couldn't keep the tremor out of his voice. "Alex, please. I have to...to tell you something. It's very important."
Alex's eyes opened slightly, but he wouldn't look at Fox.
"Alex..." Fox reached out with a trembling hand to stroke the younger man's hair. "We...while you were unconscious, Skinner remembered something. Something he thought might be important, and it was. The day you and I went for our tests, he saw Scully coming out of the lab, and she was acting suspiciously. It just occurred to him last night that she might have something to do with how your test came out. It...it was a long shot, but I had them do another test on you yesterday. The doctor just came and gave us the results. It was negative, Alex." Fox sniffed as the tears ran down his face. "Baby, it was negative."
Lowering his head to Alex's shoulder, he began to cry.
Alex's brow creased, and his eyes skittered around the room. They met Skinner's, and the older man nodded.
Alex's mouth parted on an inaudible gasp, and his eyes closed. Inclining his head, his cheek brushed Fox's hair, and his whole body began to shake.
Fox felt the increasingly violent shudder, and he shifted, wrapping his arms around Alex and tucking the younger man's head beneath his chin.
"It's all right," Fox whispered into Alex's hair. "Everything's going to be all right."
Alex's hands clenched in the sheets as the tremors continued to run through him. Fox noticed and lifted his head. Placing a palm on either side of Alex's face, he lifted and held the sable head, compelling the other man to look at him. Finally, Alex's eyes lifted to his, and the dam broke. Hoarse, gasping sobs erupted form his throat, and his fingers tightened in the sheets.
"It's over, Alex," Fox rasped. "Come back to me now. Please?"
With Fox's help, Alex let go of the sheets and wrapped his arms around the older man's neck. He cried harder as Fox pulled him into a firm embrace.
"I love you," Fox sobbed. "I can't stop. Don't ever try to make me again."
Skinner watched his friends cry together, and a bittersweet pang lanced through him. While he was happier than he could say that Alex had survived his ordeal and was in fact HIV negative, his heart couldn't help but hurt just a little bit at the sight of him in the arms of the only man he would ever belong to. Until he was completely over his feelings, Skinner supposed it always would. It was okay, though. He could handle it.
Scully, unfortunately, was another matter entirely.
//What the hell are we going to do about her?// He wondered to himself. //What are we going to do?//
Skinner remained unobtrusive as the two men held on to each other and cried out their relief and pain. Several minutes later, Fox lifted his head and looked down into reddened, overflowing eyes.
"I'm...sorry," Alex whispered with much difficulty.
"Shhh." Fox shook his head and brushed the moisture from Alex's cheeks. "I know it hurts." He leaned in and kissed the tip of the younger man's nose. "Just be quiet. We've got plenty of time to talk, okay?"
Alex opened his mouth to protest, but Fox quickly shushed him again.
"No. No, no." He treated Alex to a trembling smile. "You know, I was starting to think you'd never look at me again." He brushed his thumb over the corner of Alex's eye. "I was so scared."
Alex closed his eyes and a single tear formed on the lower lash of his right eye.
"It's all right now," Fox soothed, kissing the tear away. He drew back a bit, looking into Alex's eyes, then he came down again and covered the younger man's lips with his own. Reluctantly, and after several seconds, he pulled away and smiled.
"That felt good. You got chapped lips, though. You thirsty?"
Alex nodded.
"How about some of those ice chips you didn't want before?"
Another nod.
Fox reached for the pitcher and shook it.
"Well, it's mostly water now, but there's a straw here too." He poured a little water into the cup and dropped the straw in, bringing it to Alex's lips. Once Alex drank all he wanted to, Fox set the cup aside and lifted his hand to Alex's head, caressing it gently.
"You look tired. Why don't you take a nap?"
"You too," Alex croaked.
At that, Skinner finally spoke up.
"Yeah. Tell him. Maybe he'll finally get some decent sleep if the order comes from you."
Fox smiled at Skinner then looked back to Alex.
"I will," he promised. "I just want to talk to Walt for a minute. But first, I'm going to sit right here with you until you go to sleep."
He didn't want to sleep, but exhaustion got the better of Alex, and within fifteen minutes, he was out. Fox peppered his relaxed face with kisses then got to his feet and took a deep breath.
"Oh, man."
"What?"
"Dizzy," Fox said in answer to Skinner's question.
"You'd better lie down before you fall down."
"We need to talk."
"You can lie down and talk at the same time, can't you?" Skinner pointed to the bed beside Alex's. "Get going."
Fox shuffled over to the bed and eased onto his back.
"God," he breathed.
"Better?" Skinner asked.
Fox nodded.
"Okay now, what did you want to talk about?"
"Scully." The word came out through gritted teeth.
"That's what I figured."
"I never dreamed I'd ever say this but...I want to fucking kill her."
"Mulder...she's obviously got some problem. Some deep, emotional issue that neither of us had ever seen."
"Emotional issues are going to be the least of her problems."
"I know this is a stupid thing to say, but...you need to cool down and think rationally."
Fox laughed bitterly at the statement.
"Told you it was stupid. But seriously," Skinner continued. "I want to call her mother. See if she can shed some light on this."
"Oh, you think she called Mrs. Scully and told her that she's been trying every nasty way she can think of to ruin a man's life?" Fox mumbled slowly.
"Of course not. But who would know her better than her mother? Maybe this type of behavior won't be as much a mystery to her as it is to us. I mean...if she's sick , we can't hold her responsible for..."
The sound of soft snoring cut Skinner off, and he shook his head, watching both men for a while before stepping out of the room and pulling out his cell phone.
Maggie Scully bustled into her living room and picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Scully? This is Assistant Director Walter Skinner."
"Dana's boss...Yes?"
"I'm sorry to disturb you, ma'am, but I need to ask you a few questions about Dana."
"What about? Mr. Skinner, is something wrong?"
"I don't know. When's the last time you spoke with your daughter?"
"Last week sometime."
"And how did she seem to you?"
"All right. Uh...a little distant, but I just chalked that up to job stress. Did something happen to her?"
"No. I mean, she hasn't been injured or anything, but...Mrs. Scully, Dana has done some things. Things that could put her in a lot of hot water."
"Like what?"
As diplomatically as he could, Skinner laid it all out for the woman, and when he was finished, he was met with a disbelieving silence.
"Mrs. Scully. I'm sorry to have to do this to you. I know how unreal it must seem."
"Unreal is a good word," Mrs. Scully breathed. "I don't believe it."
"Mrs. Scully..."
"It's not true. Fox is Dana's best friend. Why would she do such horrible things to him?"
"I was hoping that maybe you could shed some light on that for us. Mulder is beside himself. He's hurt, and he's furious, and he's not thinking straight at all. I need to figure this out. I need to give him some reason for it. Something he can possibly live with."
"You can't give him anything, Mr. Skinner, because there isn't anything."
"There's got to be."
"Do you have any proof that Dana altered this test?"
"No. The evidence is circumstantial."
"Well, there you go."
" But . She did admit to hiring the men who assaulted Mr. Krycek and took pictures. And she did attempt to blackmail him with them."
"I don't... why would she do something like that?"
"The only explanation we have is that she... wanted Alex. When he turned her away, it angered her greatly. Apparently, far more than was healthy. I'm sorry, Mrs. Scully, but it's the truth. Dana's got a problem, and we need to find out what it is."
"I'll...I can talk to her."
"I don't know if that's such a good idea. There's no telling what she'll do if she feels the least bit threatened."
"You make her sound like a criminal," Margaret Scully breathed.
"I'm sorry, but what she's done is a criminal offense. And Mulder is so upset right now; I don't know how I'll stop him from pressing charges. Not unless I can give him a good reason from her erratic behavior."
"But there's nothing that I can think of. Dana was a good child. Except for a couple of tantrums when she was younger. But lots of kids throw tantrums."
"And that was it? Nothing unusual happened to her that you know about, or..."
"Nothing," Mrs. Scully said, sounding more than a bit exasperated.
"There's got to be some reason for this," Skinner insisted. "Dana was a fine agent and a dedicated friend to Mulder. I find it impossible to believe that simply wanting what he had would take her this far beyond the boundaries of morality. There's got to be something. And I need to find it before Mulder gets back to D.C. Will you help me, Mrs. Scully?"
"Yes," Maggie Scully answered. "If my daughter is in some kind of trouble, I'll move heaven and earth to help her."
"All right. Remember not to say anything to her. I'll be back in touch with you soon."
Skinner hung up and re-entered the room to find Fox still soundly asleep, and Alex awake, watching his slumbering lover.
"Thought you were sleeping."
Alex turned to look at Skinner.
"Was."
"How're you feeling?"
Alex shrugged. "Tired. Throat hurts."
"Well, the doc said it would for a couple of days."
Alex nodded.
"Walt...thank you."
"For what?" Skinner asked, giving Alex half a smile as he approached the bed. "For dragging your ass out of that lake and giving you yet another chance to have a wonderful life with the man who loves you more than anything in the world?"
Alex's eyes went back to Fox.
"I've hurt..." he stopped and swallowed painfully. "...him...so much."
Skinner reached for the pitcher, pouring some water. He lifted the cup and aimed the straw at Alex's mouth. Alex returned his attention to Skinner and accepted the straw. After a couple of sips, he nodded his thanks.
"I'm not going to tell you that he hasn't been hurt," Skinner said. "But doing what you tried to do a few nights ago was not the way to fix it. "
"I just...I...thought that if..." Alex closed his eyes and grimaced.
"Look, do me a favor and just shut up, okay? If your throat gets worse because you were trying to explain yourself to me, Mulder'll have my head."
"But..."
"Can it, Krycek. Let me do the talking."
Skinner leaned forward, speaking softly to keep from waking Fox.
"I'm sure you were both devastated when those test results came in. I can't image what it was like to hear the words.
"I know how much you love Mulder. And I understand that you felt you couldn't let him spend all those years taking care of you. But Mulder loves you at least as much as you love him. For him, no other option existed, and when you tried to turn away from him...
"He's not stupid, Alex. He knew what you were doing and why, but that didn't stop it from hurting like hell. And it just reinforced his fears that he'd failed yet again to make you understand that his love for you was unconditional."
Alex closed his eyes, absorbing the pain.
"Let me ask you a question."
He turned watery eyes to Skinner.
"If the situations were reversed. If it was Mulder who had received a positive test result...what would you do?"
Alex answered hoarsely and without hesitation.
"Same thing he's been doing."
"Would you go along with his efforts to push you away?"
Alex shook his head.
"What if he'd committed suicide...to save you from yourself?"
Alex tried to stop his lower lip from quivering.
"Can't," he gasped. "Can't think of it."
"Why?"
Alex squeezed his eyes shut and lowered his head.
"Alex?"
"You made your point," Alex croaked, wincing as he said the words. "Wasn't...I wasn't thinking of that."
Skinner placed a hand on the bed. "I know you weren't thinking clearly. I know you had to be out of your mind with fear and guilt. Nobody can say for sure what they'd do when they're in that state. But it's over. You're alive. You tested negative. You can go back to your life with him. How lucky are you?"
Alex drew an uneasy breath and let it out.
"Are you gonna make the most of this chance? Are you going to live the life that for whatever reason, somebody up there is insistent that you have? Or are you just going to tread water, waiting for the next big disaster that surely has to be the one to blow it all the hell?"
Alex lifted his head and met the older man's eyes and said nothing.
"You know how many people in this world would kill to be loved the way Mulder loves you? Let him."
Two tears formed and dropped from the ends of Alex's lashes as he turned to look at Fox.
"I know how much he loves me. I don't deserve it."
"I'd say that was Mulder's call to make, but you need to believe it too, or you're always going to have problems. Do me a favor, okay? Work on it. I really am getting too old for this kind of excitement."
Alex swiped at his eye and gave Skinner a tiny smile.
"I'll try."
"It's all I can ask for," Skinner sighed. "Now, shut the hell up, would you? You've talked way too much."
Both men settled down; Skinner with his book, and Alex watching Fox until Alex fell asleep again sometime soon after.
Fox's eyes drifted open, and he looked to his left to find Alex sitting up, staring warily at a covered bowl on his tray.
His heart leapt joyfully in his chest, and he pushed himself up into a sitting position. The motion drew Alex's attention.
"Hey." Fox slipped off of the bed, stretching as he approached his lover. "What's that?"
"Chicken soup."
"You don't look too happy about it." Fox dropped a kiss on the top of Alex's head before sitting on the bed and lifting the lid. "Oh." He grimaced, replacing it quickly. "Uh..." He looked at Alex and smiled. "I can ask if I can bring something in."
"Got it covered."
Both men looked up to find Skinner walking in with a large bag.
"The doctor said that as long as it was very light, I could get him some take out."
Fox turned a brilliant grin on the other man.
"Thank you."
"No problem." Skinner handed one container to Fox and then another, and withdrew his own from the bag. Taking his seat by the door, he opened it up and began to eat. "You just wake up?"
"Yeah," Fox answered, locating Alex's soup and showing it to the younger man. "Looks much more appetizing, huh?"
Alex nodded and let Fox feed him.
"Good?"
He nodded again then motioned to Fox's food. "You eat."
"I will."
"Before it gets cold."
"All right, all right."
Alex took the spoon from Fox and began to slowly feed himself as Fox ripped into his own meal.
"I didn't realize how hungry I was until just now," Fox said around a mouthful of spaghetti. "How's the minestrone, babe?"
"Good," Alex murmured, lifting another spoonful to his mouth.
Fox finished his spaghetti in record time then concentrated all his attention on Alex, who hadn't progressed very far with his soup.
"Is your stomach okay?" He asked, concerned.
"Yeah," Alex answered softly. "Just a little tough going down."
"Your throat?"
Alex nodded. "Gotta eat it slow."
Fox took the spoon back with no protest from his weary lover, and fed him as slowly as he needed to. When Alex had finished half of the contents of the container, he announced that he'd had enough. Fox covered the cup and set it aside, then sat back against the pillow, coaxing Alex to lean into his side.
The two sat quietly, Alex basking in Fox's loving attention, and Skinner finished his food.
"Well...I'm going to get going back to the motel. I'm sure you'd like some time alone."
As Skinner gathered up the containers, Fox slipped away from Alex.
"I'll be back in a minute, okay?" He asked the younger man. "I just want to walk him out."
Alex nodded and thanked Skinner softly before the two men left the room.
"I'm going to see about getting a flight out tomorrow or the next day," Skinner said. "Alex is doing well, everything's okay. You don't need me anymore."
"Yeah? I thought maybe we could fly back together as soon as Alex was released," Fox said, walking toward the exit.
"You don't want to stay? You've been through so much, I figured you could use the rest."
"If I didn't have any business to take care of in D.C., we'd do that."
"Mulder...I talked to Mrs. Scully. I told her."
"You..." Fox stopped and faced the other man. "What'd she say?"
"She didn't want to believe it, of course. I asked her if she could think of anything in Scully's past that might help to explain her behavior, and she couldn't."
"I don't care if she does have a reason," Fox said, his voice overflowing with venom. "I almost lost him, Walt, and it's because of her."
"What's your plan?"
"I'll let you know after I get my hands around her throat."
"You know I can't let you do that."
"Don't worry, I won't involve you in any way."
"I'm already involved," Skinner answered in a low tone. "You gotta think, Mulder. What'll happen to you if you do her any harm? What'll happen to Alex if you get carted off to jail?"
Fox gritted his teeth and looked away.
"Are you listening to me?"
"I know ," Fox hissed in frustration. "But I can't let her get away with this, Walt. She has got to pay."
"And you've got to think . I know how angry you are. What she did was horrific. But think about it. Would you ever have thought Scully capable of any of the things she's done?"
"Never."
"After all your years together, don't you find it awfully strange that all this hostility and anger is just popping out of her suddenly?"
"'Course I do."
"Don't you want to know why? And if she seriously needs help, don't you want to see that she has it?"
Fox looked down at the floor space between him and Skinner and gave no answer.
"I know you're way too close to this, but put your psychologist hat on for just a few minutes here, would you?"
Fox lifted his head and tipped it back, rubbing his hand across his forehead.
"Okay. I know there's some underlying emotional, psychological issue here. I know that she's got to have some serious problem."
"And?"
Fox shook his head. "I just can't get myself far enough past what she's done to be concerned with the why's. But..." He squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth. "If you want to take it on...knock yourself out. Just keep her the fuck away from me, all right? If I so much as hear her voice...all bets are off."
Skinner nodded. "Good enough. Now, are you going to stay for a little while longer? Give you both a chance to heal a little, and give me a chance to do some digging?"
"I...I'd have to find another place. I don't want to go back to the cabin, and I'm sure Alex doesn't either."
"You want me to find you a nice hotel in the area? I can make some phone calls."
"Yeah, that'd be good."
"Which way do you want to go? Something modest? Cheap? Or do you want to lay out the big bucks and go for something really hoity toity?"
Fox pressed his lips together then broke into a hearty laugh.
"Hoity toity?"
Skinner threw his hands up. "I don't know. It's the only phrase that came to mind."
Fox stopped laughing, but an amused smirk remained. "Sure. Let's go for hoity toity. Alex could use a little pampering."
"He's not the only one." Skinner pointed in the direction from which they had come. "Get going. Go spend some time with him before one or both of you fall asleep again."
"'Kay." Fox took a step backward then stopped. "Walt. Thanks again."
"Quit thanking me."
"Well, we're going to have to find some way to show how grateful we are."
"Dinner at least once a week for the next ten, fifteen years will do fine."
Fox smiled again. "You got it."
Fox returned to Alex's room, his smile growing broader when he met the younger man's eyes.
"I'm back."
Alex lowered his lashes for a moment and raised them, giving Fox a timid smile.
"How do you feel?" Fox asked, gently lowering himself to the edge of the mattress.
"All right. Still tired."
"Don't talk. Just nod or something." Fox reached out, pushing a few strands of hair away from
Alex's eyes. "I'm sure you're going to be tired for a while."
Alex looked up into gray and gold splashed eyes, and the love that shone in them filled him with warmth and pain.
"Fox."
"You're talking."
"But I..."
"It can all wait," Fox said, knowing what Alex was trying to say.
Sorrowful eyes looked up at the older man, and Alex shook his head.
"Listen to me," Fox whispered, taking Alex's hands in his. "I know. Okay? And I don't want you beating yourself up over any of this."
Alex opened his mouth to speak, and Fox placed two fingers over it.
"What do I have to do to make you shut up?" he asked, then a slow smile spread across his lips. "Hey, I know."
Alex whimpered into Fox's mouth as the older man laid a passionate but gentle kiss on him. When Fox released him, he slumped into the older man's arms and clung to him, shuddering.
"Baby..."
"Was sure..." Alex stammered, his voice a hoarse whisper. "...so sure it was over this time..."
Fox shook his head and held Alex closer.
"I didn't...didn't know what else to do. I love you. Couldn't let you...Sorry. I'm sorry, Fox."
"You weren't in your right mind," Fox soothed. "I know that. It's not your fault."
"I hurt you," Alex gasped. "I always hurt you."
"We were both hurt," Fox reasoned. "But none of it was your fault. This is on Scully. Just like the last time."
Alex hid his face in Fox's shirt.
"I've given her lots of material to work with."
"Didn't mean she had to use it."
"She'll never leave us alone."
"She will. Skinner is heading back to D.C. in the next day or so. He talked me into letting him deal with her. So, I'm going to give him some time. But if he can't..."
"Stay away from her, Fox," Alex begged, picking his head up. "God knows what else she'll do."
"The only thing she's going to do next is die if I get my hands on her."
"Don't say that." Alex clutched at Fox. "Let Skinner handle it. Leave it alone. Please, Fox. Please. Please."
"Take it easy, baby," Fox said, trying to quiet increasingly anxious man. "She's not going to hurt us anymore. I'm not going to let her."
"She's desperate," Alex breathed. "She has to be, to do what she did."
"I know. I know. I never dreamed she'd do something as rotten as alter your test. I don't know why; God knows drugging you and bringing those fuckers in to...I shouldn't have put anything past her after that." Fox chewed on one corner of his lip, taking a moment to compose himself. "She won't get away with this. Whether it means a prison term, a good long stay in a psych ward or her head in a box..." He stroked the younger man's back soothingly. "She's gonna answer for what she did to you." He slipped his fingers under Alex's chin and coaxed the younger man to look up at him.
"Let's not talk about that any more right now. In fact, I don't want you talking about anything . I keep telling you that, but you don't seem to be listening." Fox eased Alex back against the pillows and leaned over him. "Is kissing you the only way to keep you quiet?"
Alex shrugged then gave Fox a slight nod.
Moaning softly, Fox brushed the younger man's lips with his own then engaged him in a deep kiss.
"It's only been a few days since I've kissed you, but it feels like months," Fox whispered before taking Alex's mouth again. "God, I've missed you."
Nodding, Alex wrapped his arms around Fox, encouraging him to intensify the kiss.
Feeding hungrily on his lover's mouth, Fox shifted to try and lessen the discomfort of his steadily growing erection. When nothing worked, he pulled away, panting softly.
"Okay, maybe this wasn't the best idea," he said, letting his thumb trail across Alex's lower lip. "But wait 'til I get you out of here."
"Soon?" Alex asked to the sound of Fox's insistent shushing.
"I think so. Maybe by tomorrow night we'll be relaxing in a nice hotel."
Alex's confused frown made him smile.
"Skinner's booking us into a nice place. I didn't think either one of us would like to go back to the cabin."
Alex opened his mouth, and Fox raised his eyebrows in warning. He sucked his lower lip into his mouth and said nothing.
"It was originally my intention to go back to D.C. right away, but Skinner suggested that we stay a while. He's right about us needing the rest, and more than that, he's afraid that on our way home, I'm going to stop off at Scully's and murder her. He's probably right about that too."
There was a quiet malice in Fox's voice when he said that, and Alex remembered what he'd done to the man who had drugged and raped him. Not that Scully didn't deserve to have her neck snapped, but for purely selfish reasons, Alex didn't want Fox to be the one to do it.
//You've got some shit, you know it? What about you? What about all the crap you've pulled in your lifetime?//
//Never to anyone who supposedly was closer to me than some of my family. Never to my best friend.//
//Oh. Well. That makes it okay then, doesn't it?//
Alex burrowed into Fox's warmth and held tightly to the older man.
//God, I don't...//
//No. No, don't. Don't. //
He had to make himself stop thinking that Fox didn't need him in his life. Every time he did, it brought only trouble.
But he couldn't help it. Everything he did seemed to bring Fox pain.
//That's right, idiot. Especially the insane stunt you just pulled. What were you thinking? What the hell were you thinking?//
He honestly couldn't say. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to answer that question.
"Dana?"
"Oh. Uh...hi Mom."
"You weren't asleep, were you?"
"It's okay. The alarm would be going off in a couple of minutes."
"You were sleeping? I figured you'd be getting ready to leave for work in a few minutes."
"That was before," Scully said softly. "I don't have to go in early any more."
"Honey, you never did tell me why. What happened? Why don't you and Fox work together anymore?"
"Mom, I..." Scully rubbed the sleep out of one eye. "I really don't feel like getting into it, now."
"You might feel better if you talk about it."
"Not now, Mom, okay? I...I gotta get up and get ready."
"All right, dear, but...how about dinner on Friday?"
"I'm sorry Mom, I...I've got plans on Friday."
"How about Saturday?"
"Ummm...I don't..."
"Dana, why are you avoiding me?"
"Avoiding...who said I'm avoiding you?"
"We haven't spoken in over a week, and when we did, it wasn't any more than ten minutes. And, I carried most of the conversation. Now today, when I call and ask you over for dinner, you're giving me excuses why you can't."
"Haven't you ever had a busy few days?" Scully asked, agitation showing clearly in her tone. "What's the big deal?"
"I'm sorry, honey," Maggie said, remembering what Skinner had told her. "You're my daughter, and if I think something is wrong, it's only natural that I'd want to help. That's all."
"Nothing's wrong, Scully insisted. "I just can't make it to dinner this weekend."
"All right," Maggie soothed. "All right. How about a day next week? I'll come to your place. I'll do all the cooking. I just want to make sure you're getting one good meal once in a while."
"Fine...Mom...I'll let you know when, okay?"
"All right, dear."
"Okay, I gotta go. I'm going to be late."
"Okay, Dana. I'll talk to you again soon. You take..."
Maggie was abruptly cut off by the click signaling her daughter's disconnection. Frowning, she lowered the phone to the cradle and stared at it.
She didn't want to believe what A.D. Skinner had said to her, but something was definitely wrong with her daughter, and she was afraid that sometime soon, she was going to find out for sure exactly what.
"Heard they were letting you out of here."
Alex lifted his head and nodded at the man who had just walked into the room.
"Good. I'm glad you're doing so well." Skinner looked around. "Where's Mulder?"
Alex pointed at the door Skinner had just come through.
The older man raised his eyebrows. "No talking today?"
Alex picked up a pad and scribbled something on it and handed it to Skinner.
"Hurts more than yesterday," he mumbled and looked at Alex. "Told you. Is Mulder going to come in here and read me the riot act?"
Alex shook his head and took the pad back, scribbling more.
'Talked to him, too,' he wrote, and Skinner nodded.
"So, he can't be mad at me."
Alex shook his head again.
"Who can't be mad at you?"
"You," Skinner said to Fox as he walked in.
"Why would I be mad at you?" Fox asked, going to Alex and dropping a kiss on the younger man's down turned head.
"He talked a little to me yesterday, and now his throat is really sore. But I heard he talked to you too, so..."
"Oh." Fox smiled and sat in the chair beside Alex. "Yeah. I kept telling him to be quiet but..." He cast a mock glare on the man in the bed. "I finally had to shut him up."
Alex looked up at Fox through his lashes, then his gaze skittered away. Cracking a grin, Fox took his hand and lifted it to his mouth for a soft kiss.
"I'm sure I don't want to know," Skinner said, folding his arms across his chest.
"Wasn't anything pornographic," Fox answered, rubbing the back of Alex's hand. "So, what's up?"
"I'm leaving this afternoon, and you two are booked at the Rocklin Park Hotel."
"Is it what I asked for?"
"I was told that it's very nice."
"Thanks, Walt."
"You guys just get some rest."
"We will. You'll keep me updated?"
"Only if you promise to sit your ass right here and let me take care of things."
"We'll see."
"Mulder..." Skinner looked to Alex for help. "Don't let him go back to D.C. until I can get this mess under control."
"And what if that's not any time soon?" Fox asked. "You don't think Scully's going to go down quietly, do you?"
"I'm sure it won't be easy. But I've got an idea that might speed things along."
"What's that?"
"I'll tell you if it works." Skinner looked at his watch. "I should get moving. You two take care, and I'll call you when I get back."
Fox got to his feet and shook Skinner's outstretched hand before pulling the older man into a brief hug.
"Thank you, Walt," he murmured. "I can never say that enough."
"You don't have to," Skinner said, heartily patting Fox on the back before releasing him. "Friends look out for each other."
Alex watched quietly, and when Skinner moved toward him, his eyes dropped to his hands folded in his lap. They rose again a brief time later and looked up into warm brown eyes.
"Behave yourself, all right?" Skinner pleaded in mock exasperation. "No more stupid stuff."
Alex nodded and mouthed the words 'thank you'.
Skinner gave the younger man a hint of a smile and backed toward the door.
"Don't forget to call," Fox reminded him.
"I will."
The two watched Skinner slip out the door, then Fox turned to Alex, smiling.
"So, you ready to get out of here?"
Alex nodded.
"The doc'll be in soon to give you the once over, then we can go."
Alex looked down, picking at his hospital gown then returned his gaze to Fox.
"When Skinner picked up these clothes for me, he got something for you too."
Fox retrieved the bag from its spot by the chair and rummaged through it.
"Oh. Uh..."
Alex frowned at Fox's attempt to conceal a laugh.
Stealing a glance at the younger man, Fox chewed on the corner of his lip.
"Umm...it w...it would seem that our buddy Walter has a bit of a sense of humor."
Alex's eyes widened as Fox pulled out a pair of farmer jeans, and a hard gasp broke past his lips when the red and brown plaid shirt followed. He shook his head, staring in horror at the items.
"But that's all he bought," Fox said, cutting off a snicker and trying to look apologetic. "It's this or I wrap a sheet around you."
Alex drew the sheet up to his chin and said nothing.
"Come on, babe," Fox coaxed. "It's only until we get to the hotel. Then we'll go shopping for better stuff."
Doctor Jensen walked in, first seeing Alex's wary pout then Fox's look of amusement, and he smiled.
"Am I interrupting something?"
"No, it's okay," Fox smirked. "Go ahead and do your thing. I'm going to step out for a minute and check on our transportation." Fox looked at Alex and gave him a sweet smile. "I'll be back in a few. Think about your clothing options, okay?"
Chuckling all the way down the hall, Fox pulled his phone out and started dialing.
"Skinner."
"Who'd have thought?"
Skinner couldn't help the smile that spread across his face.
"How's that?"
"The clothes, Walt. I wish I had a camera to get a picture of the look on his face."
Fox thought he heard a low chuckle.
"Tell him that's for making me go after him in that damn cold water, in the dark."
Fox laughed softly. "Okay. So, where are you?"
"Just getting to the airport."
"All right. Well, I gotta call and make sure the car's gonna be here when we're ready to leave."
"When'll that be?"
"Soon. Doc's in with him now."
"Good. Well, I'm here. I gotta return the car and check in."
"All right. You have a good flight, and I'll talk to you later."
"See ya. Oh. Hey, Mulder? Tell Alex I won't be offended if he doesn't want to keep the clothes."
The statement was met with a laugh.
"I'll tell him. Talk to you soon."
Fox hung up and called the service, then he returned to the room, where the doctor was just finishing up.
"So, does he get the final okay?"
Doctor Jensen nodded. "I was just telling Alex that he's an extremely lucky young man. He's recovered very well for someone who'd come in, in the condition that he had. Just see to it that he gets plenty of rest. No overdoing anything for a few days."
"Don't worry. He'll be lucky if I let him out of bed."
"Well, I think maybe you can let him walk back and forth to the bathroom at least."
"I'll think about it," Fox said, casting a doting gaze on his lover.
Smiling, the doctor headed toward the door.
"I'll call for a wheelchair, leave some written instructions at the desk, and as soon as you sign a few things," he said to Alex, "you'll be on your way."
"Thank you," Alex whispered barely loud enough to be heard.
When the doctor was gone, Fox strolled over to the bed with the clothes in his hands.
"Okay. Let's get you ready."
A little more than an hour later, Alex was cleaned up and dressed, and Fox was helping him into the back seat of the rented Cadillac. He rattled off the address of the hotel to the driver then sat back and grinned at Alex.
"You know what you remind me of?"
Alex looked down at himself, dressed in the oversized overalls and plaid shirt.
"One of the mountain men from Deliverance."
Frowning, Alex rubbed his palm over his four-day beard and looked up at the older man through his lashes.
Fox's grin grew wider. "Sexy, though." He leaned in and ran his knuckles down the younger man's face. "We'll get rid of that when we get to the hotel, 'kay?"
Fox's face only inches away from his, Alex swallowed and nodded.
"Know what?" Fox murmured just loud enough for Alex to hear him. The other man waited in silence.
"I love you."
Alex's eyes dropped shut, and he drew a trembling breath. He opened them to find Fox still staring at him, closer than he had been before. His lashes fluttered shut as he was drawn in, and his lips brushed Fox's. Gentle fingers tangled in his hair, and Fox pulled him in for a soft kiss.
"Even looking like this?" Alex asked against Fox's mouth when they parted.
"Hard to believe, isn't it?" Fox joked. "Awww," he crooned, pulling Alex against him when he saw the mournful pout. "You know I love you no matter what." He tipped Alex's head up so that he could see his eyes. "Right?"
Alex nodded, and Fox hugged the other man to him.
Safely enfolded in his lover's arms, Alex closed his eyes and listened to the steady beat of his heart until he fell asleep.
Fox held Alex, warmth flowing through him at every point of contact, and he gave thanks for yet another chance at a life with him.
He sat quietly, watching the scenery until the car pulled up in front of the hotel.
"Baby," he called faintly, rubbing Alex's arm. Alex made a soft, unintelligible sound and nestled closer to him. Smiling, Fox kissed the edge of his lover's ear and called his name once more.
"Alex."
The sable head lifted, and Alex squinted up at Fox.
"We're here."
Alex pulled away and rubbed sleepily at one eye.
"Nice, isn't it?"
Fox opened the door and got out, pulling Alex up after him.
"You can go back to sleep as soon as we get to our room," he promised, kissing the side of the younger man's head. "'Kay?"
Fox thanked the driver, and the two walked slowly into the lobby. Locating the desk, Fox directed Alex over to it and checked in.
Turning from the desk, they came face to face with a porter.
"May I..." the man began, looking around, "...help you with your bags?"
"We don't have any," Fox explained to the perplexed man. "Long story. Can you direct me to a nice men's store that might be nearby?"
The porter named two places and gave Fox the directions. He offered the man a tip for his helpfulness, then he and Alex proceeded up to their room. When they found number five-one eleven, he opened the door and led Alex in.
"This'll work," he said, looking around the finely appointed suite. "Huh, babe?"
Alex nodded, moving away from Fox and making his way toward the windows.
"Nice view."
Fox walked up behind him and slipped his arms around his waist.
"Yeah." He rested his chin on Alex's shoulder. "Very nice. Skinner made a good choice." He turned Alex around, looking into his lover's eyes. "How 'bout a nice shower?" He rubbed his thumb over the thick stubble. "I'll give you that shave."
"Got no clothes."
"You don't need any right now. You're going to be in bed for at least another couple of days. But I'll go and pick some stuff up later. Now, let's go. Shower, shave, and bed."
Alex put up no argument. He let Fox lead him into the spacious bathroom and gratefully removed the hideous attire that Skinner had bought for him while Fox ran the water. Once he was naked, Fox helped him step into the tub and waited while he showered.
Under the warm stream, he scrubbed slowly, enjoying the tingle of his skin. When he was completely clean, he washed his hair then turned his face up to the spray to rinse. Behind his closed eyes, he saw himself, floating face down in black water, and his eyes snapped open as he unknowingly grabbed for the shower curtain.
Fox was there in an instant, opening the curtain.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?"
Gasping for breath, Alex backed away from the stream and leaned against the wall.
Fox shut the water off and wrapped a towel around him.
"Okay," he crooned, gently pulling Alex out of the tub. "It's all right. You're all right."
As quickly as he could, he dried the trembling man and put him to bed, tucking the blanket up around him.
"What is it, Alex?" Fox asked, stamping down the panic that had quickly risen. "Tell me."
He couldn't talk. Nothing would come out. All he could do was curl up beneath the covers and shiver.
"It's okay, sweetheart," Fox whispered, crawling up behind Alex and wrapping himself around the other man. "I'm here. I won't let anything happen to you."
Fox lost track of how much time had gone by, but the room had already darkened considerably when Alex's voice, cracked and strained reached his ears.
"I felt so sane."
Fox lifted his head and looked down at the other man.
"So calm when I w-walked into the water. Just went face down and stayed there. I let the water in. It burned. My lungs...everything, I...I suppose it's a natural reaction to fight it, and my body wanted to. I forced myself to stay down. You'd go back to your life when I was dead. You'd have no choice. And in time you'd get over it. You could find someone else. Someone...worthy."
Fox listened, tears welling up and dropping to the pillow.
"I saw you. Right in front of me. So beautiful. You were saying something, but I couldn't hear. It didn't matter. I knew you understood. I needed you to understand.
"You gave so much to me...our relationship. And all I ever brought was pain. I had to stop it. It had...had to end, and I knew you wouldn't do it. You'd never quit, and I loved you so much for that, but I couldn't. I couldn't let you..."
Fox shook with the effort it took to keep from breaking down. He closed his eyes and tried to turn the emotion off. Tried to listen objectively, but his heart...God, the pain in his heart was excruciating.
"I had to," Alex continued softly. "I had to help you to let go. You'd forgive me. And in time...you'd be glad."
Fox sank down to the pillows, breaking into hard sobs. The sound turned Alex around, and he crept into Fox's arms, holding tightly to his distraught lover.
"I'm sorry," he rasped. "I'm sorry, Fox."
Fox hugged Alex, holding desperately to the younger man as he continued to cry.
"I love you," Alex whispered, shedding his own tears. "Yet all I do is hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you."
"I know," Fox choked, barely able to get the words out. "Just...never leave me. Nothing could hurt me more."
"I'm sorry Fox," Alex cried. "I don't want to keep screwing up. I don't mean to..."
Fox speared his fingers through Alex's hair, holding the other man's head to his shoulder.
"No, no, no, no, no. I told you..." He stopped, attempting to steady himself with a deep breath. "I didn't want you beating yourself up over this. I mean that, Alex." Fox massaged the aggrieved man's head, trying to comfort him. "I love you, baby. I have you back, and that's all that matters to me."
Shivering, Alex snuggled impossibly closer.
"Are you cold?" Fox asked, sniffing. Alex nodded, and he reluctantly drew himself away from the younger man.
Removing his clothing as quickly as his shaking hands would allow, Fox stripped down to his underwear and got under the covers. Alex crawled into his open arms, and the two lay wrapped around each other in silence until Fox's cell phone rang a good while later.
Unwilling to let Alex go, Fox groped for the phone with one hand and finally reached it.
"Hello?"
"Mulder, it's me."
"Hi, Walt. You home?"
"Just walked into my apartment."
"How was your flight?"
"Uneventful. How's the room?"
"Beautiful, thank you."
"You guys okay? You sound sort of...drained."
"Yeah. We had a bit of a tough time, but I think we'll be okay." Fox looked down to find Alex's eyes on him. "We gonna be okay, baby?"
Held in Fox's mesmerizing stare, Alex nodded.
"Yeah, we'll be all right."
"How'd Alex like his clothes?"
For the first time in many hours, Fox cracked a smile.
"Loved 'em. He doesn't know how to repay you."
"I'm sure he'll think of something."
"Speaking of which, you know, I thought of something. Our fish."
"I'd been feeding them since I didn't know where the heck you were and when you were coming back. Obviously, they haven't eaten for a few days. I'll go check on them as soon as I get settled."
"Thanks, Walt."
Fox spoke to Skinner for a few more minutes, not once having mentioned Scully, then he hung up and returned his attention to Alex.
"Would you care to make a little wager with me?"
"On what?"
"The fish. They haven't eaten since Skinner left D.C. to come here. Wanna bet that little cannibal ate the other one?"
"No, he hasn't."
"Okay," Fox said doubtfully then kissed the younger man softly. "How're you feeling?"
"Okay," Alex sighed, nuzzling his lover's shoulder.
"God," Fox said, smirking. "You're pretty scratchy there, buddy. What d'you say to that shave?"
"'Kay."
"You want to come into the bathroom or you want me to bring everything out here?"
"Too much trouble." Alex reluctantly got up and pushed the covers off.
"You're not still cold?"
"A little chilly." He shuffled toward the open closet and withdrew one of the thick white robes hanging there. In the meantime, Fox had risen from the bed and walked up behind him. Hands on his shoulders, the older man laid a soft kiss on his cheek.
"Oh, yeah. We definitely gotta get that off. Come on."
The two walked into the bathroom, and as Fox prepared everything, Alex looked at himself in the mirror. He looked away quickly.
"What is it?" Fox asked, noticing Alex's reaction to himself.
"Nothing, I...I guess you're right."
"About?"
"I do look like a mountain man."
"A sexy mountain man. And what're you doing, talking?"
"I've been talking."
"I know. But it just occurred to me again that you're not supposed to be. How's your throat?"
Alex wrinkled his nose.
"It's never going to feel any better if you don't shut up. Okay." He finished running the water in the sink. "All set."
"I can do it," Alex offered meekly as Fox reached for the can of shaving cream.
"I know, but..." Fox turned toward the younger man and stood only inches in front of him. "...Can I?"
Sucking his lower lip into his mouth, Alex looked down for a moment then up at Fox and nodded.
Fox lathered Alex's face, watching as his lover kept glancing at him and looking away. Saying nothing, he reached for the razor and began to gently scrape away the dark whiskers. When he finished, he cleaned the younger man's face then stepped back and smiled.
"There's my baby."
Alex's gaze slipped away again, and Fox frowned, worried.
"Alex? What?"
Alex shook his head slowly, unable to make himself face the guilt that he was sure would be sweeping over him for a very long time to come.
Fox drew the younger man into his arms and held him in a secure embrace.
"I can tell you from now until the Tuesday after never that you don't need to be the least bit sorry for anything, and you're going to feel how you feel anyway." He curled a finger under Alex's chin and lifted. He fixed a steady gaze on the younger man. "But please... please , sweetheart. If you're sure of only one thing, let it be this. I love you. And I'm more grateful than I'll ever be able to say that you're here, and I can hold you and touch you." His hand moved to Alex's cheek and cupped the soft skin. He moved in, coming so close that Alex could feel his breath fanning his lips. "And kiss you."
Alex's eyes rolled upward as his lashes fluttered down over them, and he surrendered to his lover's mouth, moving so tenderly over his own. One of Fox's arms came around him as the hand on his cheek moved around to the back of his head, holding it steady for his deepening kiss.
Whimpering softly, Alex clung to Fox. His mouth opened, letting the older man's tongue slip inside, and his whole body began to throb.
Fox groaned as the younger man writhed against him, and the arm banded around Alex moved lower. His hand glided over the terrycloth robe and came to rest on the hard curve of Alex's rear. He rocked gently against the other man, and a harsh sob vibrated against his mouth before Alex struggled away.
Panting softly, Fox stared at the other man. Composing himself in only seconds, he stepped forward, reaching out to touch Alex's arm.
"Alex," he said softly, soothingly. "It's all right."
Misery etching his features, Alex raised a hand to his mouth and leaned heavily against the sink.
"Sorry...I'm sorry."
Shaking his head, Fox advanced carefully.
"Don't. I'm sorry. I...you need time. I shouldn't have..." He swallowed hard and placed a hand on the other man's shoulder, leading him out of the room and toward the bed. His eyes involuntarily went to the substantial erection peeking out of Alex's robe as he helped him into bed, but he said nothing about it.
"I love you, Fox," Alex croaked, sounding like he might cry again. "I didn't...I didn't mean to..."
"I know," Fox reassured him. "It's gonna take a little while, that's all."
Alex shook his head, fighting back the tears.
"I w...want..." He bit the words back and lowered his head.
"What?" Fox asked, cocking his head. "Tell me what you want. You know I'll give you anything that I'm able to."
Alex remained quiet, but his expression spoke volumes.
Fox covered the younger man's hand with his own. "I'm here." He gently squeezed Alex's hand. "When you're ready, I'll be right here waiting."
"You shouldn't have to wait . I sh...shouldn't have to get ready. I don't want to feel like this," Alex lamented, holding tightly to Fox's hand. "I want you," he said, forcing himself to look into his lover's eyes. "My...my body is so...but my head." He hit himself on the forehead once then again with his palm then clenched his fingers in his hair. "So much. There's so much in there. It's such a mess."
"Your mind has been royally fucked with," Fox said, his anger at Scully bubbling up momentarily, then his tone quieted. "You need time."
"I need you ," Alex whimpered. "Please, Fox. Make me forget all of it"
Fox pulled Alex to him and gritted his teeth, trying to fight off the pain.
"You pulled away, Alex. You couldn't. You're not..."
"It was just a...a reaction," Alex reasoned desperately. "I need you. I...please, Fox. I'm sorry. I'm..."
Fox shushed the younger man, brushing the hair back from his face.
"Don't. Baby, don't."
"I didn't mean to," Alex rambled on. "I won't do it again. Please, Fox?"
"Okay," Fox finally said, not knowing what else to do with the stricken man. "Shh. Okay, baby."
Alex clutched at Fox's hair, dragging him in for a frantic kiss, almost devouring the older man. His hard moan rumbled against Fox's mouth, and the older man gave in to him, terrified of how Alex would react if he put a stop to it. He fed ravenously on Fox's lips, his chest heaving with overexertion, and just as he dropped onto his back, pulling the other man on top of him, an image flashed in his head.
A faceless stranger. On top of him. Naked. Grunting as his body rose and fell...stabbing into him.
And another.
Scully. Intense hatred and lust blazing in her eyes.
And then her voice.
//You've got nothing for him...He deserves more.//
And then men. Lots of men. All around him. Waving money. Groping, pulling at him. Saying foul, terrible things.
Alex let Fox go with an anguished sob. Throwing an arm over his face, he whimpered painfully.
"Alex." Fox tried to move the younger man's arm. "Baby, what is it?"
"Leave me alone," he whispered, and Fox mistakenly thought Alex meant him until the other man continued.
"They won't go away." He shook with grief-stricken sobs. "Make them go away."
"Who?" Fox asked, managing to finally pull Alex's arm away from his face. "Who do you want to go away?"
"All of them. So many. They go away for a while, but then they come back. Things keep happening to bring them back. They won't leave me alone."
"They will," Fox promised. "In time, baby. Hang in there, okay? In the meantime, you tell me whenever they're there," he instructed, stroking the younger man's forehead.
"They're here now . Make them go away," Alex repeated, his voice soft and hoarse as he clung to the other man, burying his face in his chest. "Please, Fox."
Intense pain stabbed at Fox's heart. He had to do something. He couldn't stand that Alex was suffering this way.
//C'mon, magic man . Fix this.//
Fox searched desperately for something to do or say.
"I ever tell you about the time I fell out of my tree house?"
Alex said nothing, but Fox sensed that he had the younger man's attention.
"Okay, Samantha pushed me out, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, I hit like, four branches on the way down and fell into my father's hammock...while my father was in it. Asleep. Well...not for long. I got a broken arm out of it, a lot of scratches, and my father got a cracked rib and the wind knocked out of him, not to mention to scare of his life. I was on punishment for three months after that."
"But," Alex croaked, "your sister pushed you."
"Yeah. But as far as my father was concerned, Samantha could do no wrong. It had to be my fault."
"You could've been hurt bad."
"That's the argument my mother used. 'But he wasn't', my Dad said, and that was that."
Alex shifted, looking for a more comfortable position. Finding it, he snuggled closer.
"Why'd she push you?"
"We were fighting. She had her little playhouse that Dad had built her, and I had my rickety tree house, and we were supposed to keep out of each other's territory. Well, it had rained like a bitch the night before, and the ground was soaked. So...she decided that she was going to gather up her dolls and whatnot, and go play in my tree house that day.
"I was supposed to have been at a baseball game all afternoon, but the field was flooded, so I came home early. I was so mad when I found her in there. I told her to get out, she refused, and the fight was on. I picked up two of her dolls, unceremoniously chucked them out the window, and she pushed me. I lost my footing, and out I went.
"What a commotion. Samantha was up in the tree house crying because she thought she'd killed me, my father was hollering and groaning, my mother had seen most of it from the kitchen window, and she ran out screaming...some of the neighbors had come out and were flapping around. I was the only one not making any noise."
"How bad was your arm?"
"Cracked the radius almost clear through. I thought that cast would never come off." He shook his head. "Right at the beginning of baseball season, too. I was so mad at Samantha, I didn't talk to her for weeks." He chuckled. "While I was on punishment, I'd sit up in my bedroom, looking out the window, and there she'd be, up in my tree house. Playing. With her friends . I spent months plotting my revenge."
"Did you ever get it?"
"She got abducted before I could get around to it. I remember thinking for a long time that it was my fault because I'd wished so much bad stuff on her. Sometimes I thought...before I found out the truth, that my parents thought it was my fault."
"You had a hard childhood," Alex murmured into Fox's chest.
"My adulthood wasn't any walk in the park either," Fox quipped softly. "It's okay." He hugged Alex. "The second half of my life'll more than make up for it."
"You've got so much faith."
"In us? Yes."
Alex was silent for a while then said on a soft sigh, "I love you."
"I know."
Alex went quiet, and several minutes later, he was asleep.
Fox sat reclining against the pillows, Alex wrapped securely in his arms, and he sighed in relief.
Goddamn. It worked.
He rested his cheek on the sleeping man's head and stroked his back, silently congratulating himself then fell asleep wondering what tomorrow would bring.
Scully jumped at the sound of the knock on her door.
"Who is it?"
A muffled voice answered, and she frowned, walking to the door.
"Who?"
"Skinner."
Looking at the clock, she snapped the lock back and threw the door open.
"What're you doing here at this time?" she asked the somber-faced man.
"I have some news for you."
"News you couldn't call me with? News that couldn't wait until tomorrow?"
"I think you'd want to know this right away. I've been in California the past few days."
Scully waited.
"I was there trying to track down Mulder and Krycek."
"What d'you mean, track them down? Somebody running away again?"
"In a manner of speaking. Several days ago, they took an HIV test..."
Despite her thundering heart, Scully remaining stone still, giving off as much attitude as she could.
"So?"
"Krycek tested positive."
Her heart felt like it was going to pound right out of her chest.
"Is Mulder all right?"
"He tested negative."
"Well. Thanks for the information, but I'm surprised that you'd think that this is any of my business."
"There's more."
Scully cocked her head and rested one hand on her hip.
"Krycek was beside himself."
"He had the nerve to be surprised?"
"He was upset about Mulder."
"You said Mulder tested negative."
"He did. But Krycek was upset with the idea of Mulder spending years and years talking care of him. So upset that he fled to California. So upset that he..."
Scully raised her eyebrows.
"He what?"
Skinner's brow creased, and he looked down at the floor.
"Well?"
"Mulder followed right behind him, of course. He found him very quickly but not...quickly enough."
Scully stared blankly.
"What do you mean?"
"Alex is dead. He killed himself."
A genuine gasp broke past Scully's lips.
"He..."
"Left a note for Mulder, telling him why he did it and saying that in time Mulder would realize that it was for the best. He told Mulder how much he loved him, and he asked for forgiveness."
Scully backed up until she hit a chair and stopped.
"What about Mulder?"
"He's devastated. I...I tried to make him come back with me but he refused."
"So you left him there?"
"I couldn't hit him over the head and drag him onto the plane. I said I'd stay, and he told me to leave. I told him I wouldn't leave him there alone, and he freaked. He screamed and cursed and ordered me out. I didn't know what else to do."
"So, what is he doing out there?" Scully asked, shocked.
"I don't know," Skinner whispered. "I tried calling him when I landed, and he didn't answer his cell. I've done nothing but think about it all the way here, and I think I did a stupid thing, leaving him in that condition. I should have insisted. I should have stayed no matter what he said."
Scully stood there, hand over her mouth, wide eyes flicking back and forth.
"Alex is dead," Skinner whispered. I still can't believe it. I've never seen Mulder in that state. Damn. Damn, I should have stayed."
"You think he's going to do something stupid," Scully stated.
"I don't know. I...I'm going to get a flight back there. I just hope he's where I left him and that..." He let his voice trail off, leaving Scully to fill in the blanks. "I um...I'm sorry to have come here at this time and hit you with this, but I figured that no matter what's happened between you and Mulder, you must still care something for him, and you'd want to know."
"Yeah, I...let...let me know if you find him."
"I will." Skinner studied the woman before starting toward the door. "Good night, Scully."
Scully shut and locked the door behind the A.D. and leaned up against it, trying to catch the breath she'd been holding since he walked in.
Krycek.
//Dead.//
She'd wanted to punish them. Cause trouble. Break them up. But...
She said the word softly aloud.
"Dead."
"What do I..." She looked frantically around the room. I didn't...oh, Mulder, I didn't mean it."
Hands clenched in her hair, she stumbled across the room and fell onto the sofa.
"Be okay. Please be okay."
"Hello?"
"Hello, Mrs. Scully," Skinner told the sleepy voice on the other end. "It's Walter Skinner. I'm very sorry to wake you at this hour."
"What's wrong?"
"I'm back in D.C. I just came from Dana's place."
"Is...is she all right?"
"I'm not sure. I don't know if she will, but be advised that she might call you."
"What happened?"
"I shook her up with some disturbing news."
"What did you tell her?"
"A made up story. I did it to get her to react and see if we can't get to the bottom of this. I told her that Alex Krycek committed suicide in California. And I told her that Mulder is devastated and refuses to come back. And," He sighed, "I planted the idea that he might be suicidal himself."
"That's...that's terrible. How could you tell her such a lie?"
"It was the best way I could think of to draw her out. Dana needs help. And I'm willing to do whatever I have to do to see that she gets it."
Maggie Scully rubbed the bridge of her nose and sighed into the phone.
"What did she say?"
"It was clear to me that she was shocked. I also sensed that she was doing her best to hide something. I believe we can find out what that is. She's not going to be able to keep it to herself. It's going to eat at her until she has no choice but to let it out. I think all we need to do is push her a little."
"I hate what you're suggesting," Maggie hissed, needing to do something with her pain.
"I know it goes against every motherly instinct you have. But the end result will be worth it."
"You're not sure what the end result will be. My daughter in jail or some rubber room are not acceptable results , Mr. Skinner."
"I understand how you feel. But Mrs. Scully..."
"But nothing. Do you have children, Mr. Skinner?"
"...No."
"Then you couldn't possibly understand how I feel."
"You're right. I'm sure I can't. But I do understand the extensive damage that 's been done. Dana's arranged for a man to be raped , and had her henchmen take pictures to mark the occasion. She's caused all sorts of emotional damage, and , as if that wasn't enough, she altered his HIV test to come out positive. He did attempt suicide and would have succeeded if we hadn't found him in time. Now he's twice as screwed up as he was, and the blame for all of it sits squarely on your daughter's shoulders."
By the time he'd finished, Maggie Scully was crying hard into the phone.
//Damn.//
"Mrs. Scully," he said softly. "I'm sorry. I'm...I just need you to understand the gravity of this situation. You need to take an active role in this, now. You need to help me stop her. She's not only hurt Alex and Mulder, she's hurt herself. And it's only going to get worse."
Mrs. Scully sniffed, rubbing her hands across her eyes.
"Mrs. Scully. Please."
"...What do you need from me?"
"Just let me know if she contacts you. What her frame of mind is. I need to know what she says to you. Everything she says. If she incriminates herself in any way, stop her. Keep her calm, keep her there, and call me."
"I'm betraying my own daughter's trust."
"I'm very sorry to have to put you in this position. But you have to believe that this is for her own good. You're her best hope for salvation."
"If I thought I wasn't, I wouldn't be going along with this. Goodnight, Mr. Skinner."
"Goodnight."
Skinner listened to the soft click and hung up. Drumming softly on the phone for a few seconds, he then turned and picked up his bag and headed for the stairs.
Sable lashes drifted upward, and Alex met Fox's sleepy gaze.
"G'morning."
Inhaling deeply, Alex blinked, focusing on his lover's face.
"Morning?"
"Closer to afternoon." Fox raised a hand to his face, stroking his cheek. "Guess we both slept like logs."
Alex looked around the bright room then back at Fox, saying nothing.
"Hungry?"
"Mmm....yeah. Yeah, I guess."
"How d'you feel?"
"Okay. Throat's a little better even after all that talking yesterday."
"Good." Fox smiled and kissed the tip of Alex's nose, placing the hotel menu in his lap. "I'm gonna go get cleaned up, then after breakfast, I'll go get us some clothes, 'kay?"
Alex nodded and accepted another kiss before Fox got up and disappeared into the bathroom.
Alone now, he stacked the pillows and sat up, surveying the room. For the first time since arriving, he really noticed how lovely the room was. His attention went to the bathroom door as he heard the shower go on, and his thoughts turned naturally to his present situation.
//He's here. God, he's here after all the hell you put him through again . Your luck is friggin' astounding, you know it?//
He shook his head, unable to understand it.
For the thousandth time his life had been snatched from the fires of hell and given back to him.
He closed his eyes and rested his head back against the pillows.
//Accept it. Forget what you think you deserve or don't deserve. You'd make him so happy if you could.//
He sat thinking quietly until the water stopped, and Fox emerged, dressed and running his fingers through his damp hair.
"Okay. What would you like for breakfast?"
"Uh...I don't know."
"You can't make up your mind?"
"I...I didn't look at the menu."
Fox raised his eyebrows and approached the bed. "How come?"
"Sorry, I...guess my mind was wandering."
The older man gave him an indulgent smile. "Go take your shower. You trust me to order for both of us?"
Alex returned the smile.
"Yeah."
Fox dropped down onto the bed as Alex got up and padded toward the bathroom. His eyes followed along, his cock twitching as the naked man walked slowly out of the room. Groaning softly, he picked up the menu, studying it quickly before calling down and placing his order. When Alex came out of the bathroom twenty minutes later, he was stretched out on the bed, watching t.v.
"Breakfast should be up soon." Fox glanced quickly at Alex then turned his attention back to the t.v. "Everything looked good, so I got..."
Robe hanging open, Alex slid up onto the bed. Fox glanced at him again then back to the news.
"...Uh...scrambled eggs and Canadian bacon..."
Wordlessly, Alex moved to Fox's side, stretching out alongside him.
"...French toast..."
Pressing up against the older man, Alex laid his head on his shoulder and gently stroked his chest.
"S-some fresh fruit and coffee. Is...is that okay?"
"Fine," Alex murmured, dusting Fox's jaw with a soft kiss.
Fox emitted a stuttering sigh as his eyelashes fluttered. "It should be up in about half an hour or so."
"Mmm hmm."
The hand on his chest moved lower, skimming lightly over his abdomen.
Alex..."
"Hmm?"
Fox turned his head toward the other man. "Babe...what're you..."
"I love you," Alex whispered, making Fox's mouth tingle with the slight vibration of his words.
"I love you too, sweetheart," Fox whispered back before attempting to put some distance between them. "But..."
"I'm all right," Alex promised. "I want to..." His fingers closed in the material of Fox's shirt. "I need you."
"And I need you. But you...you need to take some time and..."
Alex shook his head, moving closer and draping one leg over Fox's thighs. Slowly, he rubbed against the older man's hip as he licked teasingly at the full mouth.
"Jesus." The word came out in a rush of breath, and in an instant, Fox's hand was in Alex's hair, and they were kissing desperately.
Swinging himself up over the older man, Alex settled on top of him, devouring his mouth as their bodies writhed together.
"Baby," Fox breathed, trying to talk around Alex's insistent mouth. "Wait. I...we don't..." He pulled gently on the other man's hair, lifting his head away and gaining his grudging attention.
"We don't have any rubbers."
Alex emitted a frustrated, sobbing growl.
"I'm sorry," Fox said, his voice full of regret. "It was the last thing on my mind when we left to come out here."
Shuddering, Alex lowered his head to Fox's shoulder.
"Get some when you go out later?"
"First drugstore I hit," Fox promised. "I'm sorry, baby. God , I'm sorry."
Alex nodded and tried to breathe normally.
"What happened in the bathroom?"
"What?"
"I don't know. Seems like you went into the bathroom in one state of mind and came back..." He drew a deep breath and hugged Alex to him. "Like this. Alex, you're..." He hesitated for a second then plunged in. "You're not doing this for me , are you?"
Alex lifted his head and fixed an adoring gaze on the other man.
"I'm all right."
Fox tilted his head, trying to read the man lying over him.
"I'm not feeling a hundred percent better. Probably not even fifty percent. I just...I guess I made up my mind that I'm going to start fighting. I have to. I've nearly ruined us a dozen times with my insecurity and crazy ideas. I just decided that I need to stop being such a wuss and take our life back. I might stumble a lot...probably fall flat on my face, but I promise, Fox, I'll get back up, and I'll keep fighting."
Fox closed his eyes and hugged the younger man to him.
"That's so good to hear, Alex, but...promise me you won't push yourself, okay? Don't rush for me. Don't put on any acts, don't get discouraged. A hell of a lot has happened to you, and you need time to absorb and deal with it all." He kissed the top of the other man's head. "I'm here to make sure you have it."
Alex lifted his head and trained a soft gaze on Fox.
"I love you."
Fox stroked the younger man's hair and gave him a tender smile.
"I'll never get tired of hearing that. I..."
The soft knock on the door drew his attention.
"Ah. Food."
Carefully slipping away from Alex, Fox shuffled to the door, letting the bellhop in with breakfast. Tipping the young man, he took the tray and made his way back to the bed.
"Look good?" He asked, removing the lids and handing Alex's fork to him.
"Yeah. I think I'm actually hungry."
The two sat together, eating heartily, and when they finished, Fox got rid of the tray and prepared to leave on his shopping expedition.
"I'll be back as soon as I can," he said, kissing the younger man soundly and handing him the television remote. "You relax, 'kay?"
"That's all I've been doing," Alex complained softly.
"When I come back, we can go out for a little while." Fox grinned and let the back of hand graze his lover's thigh. "After we take care of a little business."
Re-routing Fox's hand to his semi-erect cock, Alex returned the smile.
"Get the giant, economy pack. There's a lot of business that needs taking care of."
Gently kneading the terry-covered bulge, Fox kissed the younger man.
"Yes, sir."
He removed his hand and stood up, tucking his wallet into the back pocket of his jeans.
"Back in a flash."
Alex watched Fox leave the room, and he slouched back against the pillows, breathing deeply. His hand slid up to his lap and idly stroked his cock through his robe. His eyes drifted shut, and he moaned softly.
"That's too long."
Moving at a brisk walk, Fox entered the first pharmacy he found, scanning the overhead signs for the aisle he was looking for. Locating the condom shelf, he picked up the biggest box he could find, grabbed a tube of lubricant and started toward the register. A few steps away, he stopped. Abruptly turned around, and snatched up another box and tube. Now satisfied that they wouldn't run out for a while, he made his way back to the register.
He got in line behind a well-dressed older woman, who turned to eye him quickly. When she caught sight of his armload, she raised a perfectly arched, silver eyebrow and turned slowly, her stiffening posture radiating indignation.
Smirking, Fox said nothing. As the woman made her purchase and began to walk away, Fox heard her mutter something about depraved sex fiends, and he laughed softly.
"Sorry 'bout that," the clerk said, blushing slightly as she rang up Fox's items.
"You heard?" he asked, grin still glued to his face.
"She wasn't exactly quiet about it." The girl shook her head. "Some people."
Fox thanked the girl and took his bag, whistling as he bustled out of the pharmacy and headed in the direction of the clothing store that the porter had recommended to him. In the interest of time and his aching cock, he bought only one set of clothing for each of them and hurried back to the hotel.
Alex lay sprawled on his back, drifting in and out of consciousness when the door opened, and Fox stole into the room. Carefully setting all of the bags down except for one, he approached the bed.
Alex sensed a presence in the room, but before he could force his eyes open, Fox was up on the bed, preparing to straddle him. A tiny smile curved his lips, and he purred Fox's name as he felt the older man's tongue run teasingly up his cheek.
"Guess what I got for you?"
Eyes still closed, Alex arched upward, rubbing against his lover.
"Gimme."
"What d'you say?"
"Now."
Fox chuckled softly. "Demanding, aren't we?"
Sable lashes lifted halfway, and Alex's mouth parted on a soft hiss as he arched again.
"Fuck me."
The robe fell partially open, revealing the younger man's full-blown erection, and Fox let out a low moan.
"What've you been doing up here?" he asked, loosening the belt then parting Alex's robe. "You been playing with yourself while I was gone?"
"No," Alex sighed. "Been sleeping."
"You're awfully hard for someone who just woke up."
"Maybe I was dreaming about you."
"Maybe?" Fox whispered, sitting up and stroking Alex's chest.
Alex's eyes closed again.
"Mmmmm. Fox..."
Fox flicked lightly at Alex's hardened nipples with his thumbs. "Yeah?"
"Don't tease."
"Why not?" Fox asked, leaning in to lick a nipple. "Can't take it?"
Twitching at the moist contact, Alex shook his head. "Maybe later, but..."
"Okay, I gotcha."
Still astride the younger man, Fox pulled his t-shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor. That done, he swung to his feet and began undoing his jeans.
Whimpering softly, Alex watched, and when Fox had finished and was completely naked, he drew in a suddenly uneasy breath.
//Cut it out. Not now. It's all right,// he chanted over and over to himself. //It's all right.//
"Alex?"
Shit. He noticed.
Alex shook his head and reached out to the other man.
"Just talk to me. Talk to me, Fox."
Fox sat beside him, caressing his cheek and kissing his eyelids.
"You're all right, Alex. Everything's fine. Nothing bad's gonna happen, okay? Nothing. I love you. I love you so much."
Eyes closed, Alex nodded and allowed Fox to stroke and comfort him. Soon enough the other man's words seeped in, and he began to relax. Fox noticed, and his caresses again grew intimate.
"That's it," he cooed, his hands wandering over Alex's chest and stomach. "You feel better, don't you?"
"Mmm. Touch me, Fox," Alex asked, gasping when Fox's hand moved lower.
"Do you want me?" Fox asked, his fingertips teasing in the patch of dark hair above his lover's rock solid cock.
"Yes. Yesss ."
"Do you need me, baby?"
"Yes, please ."
"All right, hang on," Fox ordered softly as he opened a box and pulled one foil packet out. Ripping it open, he quickly rolled it onto Alex's cock, then he broke the seal on the lube and squeezed some out into his hand.
Alex clenched his teeth, grunting as Fox stroked the cool gel on him. Breathing more heavily, he watched Fox again straddle him and guide his sheathed cock to the valley between his ass cheeks. Slowly, Fox sank down on him, and both men moaned with long-denied pleasure.
"Oh, God," Alex gasped, his hands going to Fox's hips as the older man began to move. "Jesus, Fox, I..." His teeth clamped together, and his body tightened as he tried to hold his orgasm off. But it had been too long since they'd made love, and all the strain, anguish and hundreds of other intense emotions that had plagued him since that day almost two weeks ago, boiled up and demanded to be released.
"Take me with you," Fox pleaded, needing only a few strokes to come. He felt Alex's hand close around his cock, jerking erratically, and a rough mewl rumbled in his throat as extreme pleasure rocked him. A loud, gurgling cry rose from Alex's lips as the younger man's explosive orgasm hit him, and Fox followed, his frantic sobs of satisfaction filling the room.
Falling in a boneless heap onto Alex's chest, Fox moaned softly. Alex's arms wrapped weakly around him, and the other man kissed the top of his head.
"Thank you."
"What for?" Fox murmured, kissing the nipple closest to his mouth.
"For helping me through that."
"Hey, I helped myself, too." Fox lifted his head and gave Alex a weary smile. "In case you hadn't noticed."
Alex returned the smile then it faded.
"We'll make it through this, huh?"
"'Course we will."
Alex let out a hard breath. "I wish this would go away. I wish I could stop these sudden emotions that hit me so hard."
"It'll stop," Fox promised.
"I know, I know," Alex sighed. " Time ."
"Uh huh. Think about it," Fox said. "For days, your reality is, you're HIV positive. In your mind, everything is over for us. Next thing you know, you're opening your eyes, and everything's all right. You're fine, and we can continue with our lives. That's an awful lot to filter in such a short time."
"I keep thinking that this is a dream, and I'm going to wake up. And the times that it does feel like reality to me, I feel like shit for what I've put you through. It's...the feelings are almost paralyzing."
"We're gonna work through 'em. However slowly you need to."
"You've got the patience of a saint."
"Only for you," Fox answered, kissing the edge of Alex's jaw. "Now. You want to go shopping, or do you need to take a nap?"
Alex frowned. "I thought you went shopping."
"Yeah, but I only bought one set of clothing for each of us. I wanted to hurry up and get back up here to you. See?" he smirked. "Not as patient as you thought."
Alex laughed and pulled Fox down to his chest. "Guess not. Uh...I'm okay. Let's get up. Besides," he said, as both men sat up. "If I don't get this thing off," he groaned, picking at his condom, "it's going to become a permanent part of me."
"We can't have that ," Fox murmured, getting to his feet and pulling the younger man along with him. "Come on. Let's have a shower, then we can go."
"Let's?" Alex asked, "As in you and me together?"
Giving him an evil little grin, Fox led him into the bathroom. Seconds later, Alex reappeared in the room, snatching up the box of condoms then shuffled quickly back into the bathroom.
"I'm coming."
Maggie Scully passed into the living room and peeked out the narrow window beside the front door.
"Dana?"
She opened the door quickly and gasped.
"Sweetheart, you look terrible!" Maggie pulled her daughter into the house, shutting the door behind her. "What's wrong?"
"Not sleeping well," Scully answered and let the shoulder bag she was carrying slide to the floor. "Mom...can I stay with you for a while?"
"Of course you can, Dana. This is your home. You don't have to ask me to stay here."
"Thanks, Mom."
"W...would you like to talk? I'll make you some tea and..."
"No, I...actually, I'd just like to try and get some sleep if you don't mind."
No, that's fine. Come on upstairs, and I'll make up your bed."
Maggie watched her daughter trudge slowly up the stairs, and she willed her heart to stop its frantic thrashing.
//God. Oh, God, please help me. Help me to know what's right and to help my little girl.//
Picking up the bag and following Scully up to her room, Maggie made the bed and watched as her daughter sank down to the mattress.
"Mom?"
"Yes, honey?"
"Will you sit with me a while?"
The small, tired voice broke Maggie Scully's heart.
"Of course, Dana," she choked, sitting down on the bed and gently stroking her daughter's hair. "As long as you like."
She wasn't sure that it would happen, but nearly an hour later, Scully did fall asleep. Maggie sat a long while afterward, silently debating with herself over what action she should take.
//Let her be. After she has a good rest, she'll talk to you, and then you can decide what to do.//
//But you promised Mr. Skinner to keep him informed...//
//And you will . After she wakes up.//
//Come on. You know Dana, and you know that this simply is not right. She's in trouble, and you need to help her. Help her.//
Maggie dragged herself up off of the bed and left the room. Crossing the hall to her own bedroom, she picked up the phone and dialed Skinner's number.
"Mr...." She cleared her throat and started again. "Mr. Skinner, this is Margaret Scully. Dana is here..."
"What d'you mean, ick? It's a nice shirt."
Alex stared blankly at the short-sleeved shirt that Fox held up.
"Fox..." the younger man sighed. "First of all, it's two sizes too big. Secondly , it's striped. It looks like a circus tent." Alex held up a shirt that he had picked out. "Try this on."
Putting his shirt back on the rack, Fox took Alex's choice into the dressing room and came out a few minutes later, modeling the cornflower blue shirt.
"Now that's nice. You look great in blue." Alex walked around the other man, tugging and smoothing the soft material. "Good fit."
" Close fit."
"That's right," Alex agreed, running his hand up and down Fox's back. "Very complimentary."
" Complimentary ."
"Yeah. You've got a great build, but you hide it when you wear those loose shirts. This is attractive. Sexy without being sleazy." He snaked an arm around Fox's waist and pulled the other man back against him. "Sleazy we can keep for when we're alone."
Fox erupted in laughter.
"Oh, can we?"
"Uh huh. I'd love to see you in leather, crotchless short shorts and a studded collar."
The laughter got louder.
"Are you shittin' me?"
"Not in the slightest."
Fox squirmed against him. "You're bad. I love it when you're bad."
Alex pulled on Fox's earlobe with his teeth then released him and shooed him back into the dressing room.
They'd done plenty of damage before they left. So much so, that they had to get a taxi back to the hotel to unload all of their bags.
"I hope we got enough luggage to take all this stuff home in."
"I know," Fox agreed, dropping the last of the bags on the floor. "It's more than what we came with, that's for sure." He dropped down onto the bed with a soft groan. "So what d'you want to do now?"
"I think you got the right idea," Alex sighed, sliding up onto the bed beside his lover and resting his head against Fox's. "I'm pretty tired after four hours of shopping."
"'Kay." Fox kicked off his sneakers, sending them flying across the room and laughing when one hit the wall and dropped directly into the wastebasket by the mini bar. "Three pointer!"
Alex groaned and sat up to pull his own shoes off.
"C'mon," Fox complained, "that wasn't a good shot?"
Alex reached around and patted the older man's thigh. "Yes, it was."
Fox grunted and turned onto his side. When Alex had dropped his shoes to the carpet, he rejoined the other man, lying face to face with him. The two stared at each for long seconds before Alex lifted a hand to lightly trace the line of Fox's cheek with his fingers.
"Guess it's true."
"What?"
Alex watched his fingers move to Fox's jaw then whisper across his lips.
"We are meant to be together."
Fox gave Alex a trace of a smile.
"Told you."
"Yeah, you told me. Guess I didn't listen very well, did I?"
"You've had lots of reasons to doubt it."
"Yeah, but look at all the hell I've put you through because of it. Look at what I just did to you a few days ago."
"That wasn't you," Fox said firmly. "That was Scully. She did it. To both of us."
"We can't prove that. It could have just been a lab mistake. It..."
"No," Fox broke in. It was her. And Skinner's going to prove it. She's going to tell him the truth, or I'm going to go back there and choke it out of her."
Alex let the threatening comment go. "What if she did do it? Then what? Would you really want to see her prosecuted and thrown in jail?"
"For a start."
"You're just upset, Fox."
"No, I'm not just upset."
Alex let out a long sigh, and Fox continued.
"This... bitch ...was my best friend. Or so I'd thought. Best friends are happy for you when you fall in love. And they respect your relationship. They don't knock themselves out trying to destroy it."
"She hates me," Alex reasoned. "She doesn't want you with me."
"Yet she'd fuck you in a heartbeat."
"You don't have to love someone to want to have sex with them," Alex answered. "You don't have to like them." His gaze lowered. "You don't even have to know them."
"Hey. None of that," Fox warned softly.
Alex moved closer, snuggling into Fox's waiting arms.
"Sorry."
Hugging Alex tightly to him, Fox kissed the top of his head and gently combed his fingers through the sable strands.
"I know what you're saying," Fox murmured. "But there are other components to this. It's just not Scully wanting you and being pissed that you won't give her a tumble. There's her partner and supposed best friend, whom she apparently doesn't give a shit about. There's the fact that she plotted and planned to bring some assholes clear across the country to drug and rape you, and then tried to blackmail you with the pictures that she had them take. When that didn't work, she fucked with your blood test to make it look like you were HIV positive, and..." Fox shook his head. "We're just a few days fresh out of that; I don't need to go on." He went quiet for a moment, then, "I should be in D.C. right now, handing her liver to her. It's what I want to do. But I went and let Skinner talk me into letting him handle it."
"I'm glad he did. You'd only end up in trouble if you had any contact with her, and we don't need that, Fox."
"I know, babe. But I cannot...I will not let her get away with this. When she finds out she's failed again, history suggests that she'll most likely try again, and God knows what'll be next. I can't let her hurt you again. She's done far too much of it already." He pulled Alex far enough away to look down into the other man's eyes. "You don't know how sick it makes me. How ineffective I feel."
"Don't feel like that," Alex pleaded. "There was no way you could see it coming. Any of it."
"Maybe I couldn't see exactly what was coming, but I should have known that something would be. I should have been better prepared...more guarded. I should've suspected her the minute your test came out positive and insisted on another. And none of this would have happened. You wouldn't have suffered like you have, and you wouldn't have almost died on me, and..."
"What about you?" Alex interrupted. "What about your suffering? All the sleep you've lost. All the pain. I saw it in your eyes every day. " His own eyes welled up with tears. "I heard you one night. You were on the porch of the cabin. I heard you crying. And I...I-I thought that if I treated you badly enough...if I hurt you enough, maybe it wouldn't be too much longer before you came to your senses and left me." The tears started to flow, and he began to sob. "God. Oh, my God, Fox. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Fox shook his head and pulled Alex back to him. "I'd say we're both pretty damn fucked up," he whispered, choking on the words. But we're together. We're still together, and that's all that matters. Everything else will get fixed. We'll fix it all, and we'll be happy. Sooner or later all the guilt and anger and pain is gonna go away, and it'll just be us."
"Seems more like later," Alex hiccupped. "Every time we think we're in the clear, something else happens."
"Which is why Scully's gotta be stopped now . And if Skinner can't do it..."
"Then we should leave."
A surprised frown wrinkled Fox's brow.
"Leave?"
"D.C. I know what I said when we came back from Vegas, but..." He snuggled closer to Fox. "I'm thinking that maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe we should get as far away from Washington as possible."
"I'll go anywhere with you, Alex. You know that. But I don't want to leave for the sole purpose of running away from Scully. If one of us is going to go, you can be damn sure it'll be her. In shackles, in a straightjacket, or in a bag...makes no difference to me. But she will be gone from our lives."
Alex lay quietly in Fox's arms as he was stroked gently, but the warmth of his lover's touch provided little distraction from the thoughts that ate at him.
Maggie Scully jumped, startled as her daughter jerked up in her bed, eyes wide with fright.
"Dana. Sweetheart, what is it?"
Scully blinked up at her mother, staring at the woman as though she didn't recognize her.
" Dana . Are you all right?"
That seemed to clear her mind, and Scully looked down at her covered legs.
"Yeah. Yeah, I...I'm okay."
"Were you having a nightmare?"
"A nightmare? No. N-no, I..."
"But you were making sounds. You seemed so agitated. That's what brought me in here."
"I don't know," Scully breathed. "I don't remember."
Maggie studied the other woman for long seconds then changed the subject.
"Are you hungry? Would you like me to fix you something?"
"No...some tea maybe."
"All right. Do you want to come downstairs? If not, I can bring it up to you."
"I'll come down," Scully answered softly, gaining a nod from her mother. When Maggie was gone from the room, she bent her legs, lowering her head to her knees and let the tremors she'd been fighting, take her over. Then her phone rang.
Heart pounding, she reached into her purse by the bed and looked down at the display.
Skinner.
"...H'llo?"
"Scully? Are you there? I can hardly hear you."
"I'm..." She cleared her throat. "I'm here."
"I promised I'd call and let you know what was going on."
"...Did you find Mulder?"
"No. I'm where I'd left him, and he's nowhere to be seen. But all his belongings are here. Clothes, cell phone..."
"He couldn't have gone far, then," she reasoned, chewing on her thumbnail.
"I hope not. I'm going to sit here and wait for a while. Then I might go out and look. It gets so cold up here in the mountains at night, and if he's wandering around out there..."
"Yeah. Yeah, uh...I gotta go. I hope you find him."
"So do I. I'll keep you informed."
"Okay."
Scully hung up and rose on shaky legs.
//He's okay. He's just out walking or something. He'll come back.//
Taking a few deep breaths, she smoothed her hair and headed out of the room.
Slouched back in his chair, Skinner tapped his phone against his head.
"C'mon, Scully," he whispered in the quiet of his apartment. "Crack. Just a little. Show me that there's still some bit of you somewhere in there."
Carrying the phone with him, he rose and headed into his bedroom.
"So, what d'you want to eat?"
"You're the one who's starving; what do you want?"
Fox shoved the shower curtain aside and stepped out of the tub, dripping wet. As he snatched the bath sheet from the rack and began to dry himself, Alex finished brushing his teeth then reached for the blow dryer.
"I don't know." Fox discarded the used towel and approached his lover from behind, wrapping his arms around him. "But I know what I want for dessert."
Alex emitted a soft, breathy laugh as the older man licked and nibbled at his ear. "Fox...c'mon. Mmmmm." He closed his eyes let the other man have his way briefly before ducking away from the teasing mouth. "We're never going to get out of here if you keep that up."
Fox tightened his hold on Alex and rested his chin on the younger man's shoulder, looking at their reflection in the mirror.
"That's the idea."
"So you're..." Alex looked up into the mirror, glancing away from his own reflection. "...not starving now?"
"Sure I am," Fox smirked, pushing his naked cock against Alex's denim-covered rear. "But maybe I'll just have you for dinner and dessert."
Alex shook his head then turned it to kiss Fox soundly. He tugged gently on his lover's wet hair.
"You're dripping all over me."
"No, I'm not." Fox grinned evilly. "But I will if you want me to."
This time a loud laugh erupted from the younger man. "You're bad ." His smile faded as his eyes again lifted to the mirror, and he pulled his lower lip into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully at it.
"What?" Fox asked, nuzzling the side of Alex's neck as he slowly humped him from behind.
Alex's gaze fell away from himself. "N-nothing, I...let's go have some dinner." He gave the older man another smile and lifted the blow dryer, pointing it at him and turning it on.
Fox ducked the blast of hot air and snatched the dryer as he came back up, pointing it at Alex's head. "Hold still, would ya?" he chuckled as Alex dodged his aim. "I just want to dry your hair!"
Alex gave him a suspicious look then eased back in front of him as he quickly ruffled his fingers through the still damp strands while directing the hot air at them.
Minutes later, Alex's hair was dry, and Fox bumped him away from the mirror and proceeded to work on his own hair. Alex backed away and leaned against the wall, and he watched Fox, every once in a while, his eyes traveling the lean length of his lover's body.
Out of the corner of his eye, Fox watched Alex watching him.
"What'cha lookin' at?"
"A damn fine hunka man."
Fox stopped moving the blow dryer and tossed Alex a sultry look.
"Well, ain't you sweet."
Alex did nothing but smile.
Fox shut the dryer off and set it down on the counter then sashayed past Alex and out into the room. Picking his underwear up off of the bed, he bent to slip them on, when he felt a warm hand glide up the inside of one of his thighs.
"Yes?"
Alex was just about to detour to Fox's ass, when the phone rang.
Growling softly, Fox straightened up and turned to face Alex. "Remember where we were," he said, nipping at the other man's lips before spinning to answer his phone.
"Mulder."
"Mulder, it's me."
"What's up, Walt?"
"I told you I'd keep you informed on what's going on here."
Fox took a deep breath and let it out as he sat heavily on the bed. "Yeah, you did," he said, rubbing at one eye then letting the hand drop into his lap. Alex came to sit beside him, waiting expectantly.
"I went to see Scully."
Fox listened quietly.
"And I put my plan into action."
"You gonna tell me about this plan of yours, now?"
"Yeah. I uh...I just took a little creative license with what had actually happened out there."
"Meaning?"
"I told her that Alex had committed suicide."
"You..." Fox stopped and started again. "What did she say?"
"Not a whole lot. I could see that she was really thrown, though. She tried to keep her cool...she asked about you, and I sort of led her to believe that you were right on the edge. I told her that I was very worried, and that I never should have let you push me into leaving. I said I was going to turn around and go back, and that I'd call her when I got there."
"So, what d'you think she's thinking?"
"That she's the cause of Alex's death . That's she's gone much farther than she'd ever intended."
"Her mother called me earlier to tell me that Scully was at her house, and she didn't look good. She's sure something is very wrong, but Scully won't tell her what it is."
"Walt. If she won't tell her mother..."
"She's going to crack," Skinner promised. "I called her just a little while ago and told her that I couldn't find you. She was trying very hard not to give anything away, but I could hear the panic in her tone."
"You trying to tell me she actually cares about what the hell happens to me?"
"Yes, I am. No matter what's happened between you...no matter how much wrong she's done...in her heart, she does not want to destroy you."
Fox laughed bitterly. "No? Let me remind you of a couple of instances, Walt, when she almost did just that."
"But in her mind that isn't what she was doing, Mulder."
"Oh, come on ."
"It's true. Not that I don't understand why, but you're just way too upset to see it right now. Something is wrong with her, Mulder."
"No shit , something's wrong with her."
"Well, don't you think we owe it to her to..."
" Owe it to her?"
"You need to try to see beyond your rage, Mulder. This is a woman who has gone way above and beyond the call of duty for you. She was your best friend and your greatest ally. She's paid through the nose for her devotion to you and the x-files, and I'm wondering if she hasn't finally snapped because of it."
Fox went quiet, considering Skinner's words.
"I'm not going to call her back until sometime tomorrow. Let her think I'm still looking for you."
"You really think if you give her enough time, she'll crack?"
"I do."
"Fine. I'll wait. But not forever. I want a confession, Walt. And I want her to pay." Fox's voice dropped to a whisper as he looked at Alex. "She has to."
There was a brief silence, then Skinner spoke.
"I'll call you when I've got any more."
"All right."
Fox disconnected and stood staring into sad eyes.
"He says he thinks she's ready to break."
"Fox..."
"She can't get away with this."
"You're not going to feel as good about it as you think you're going to."
"Not feel good that she's been punished for everything she's done to you?"
"What else did he say to you?"
Fox was silent for a second, then he answered.
"He said that he thinks that her behavior might be the result of all her years with me and x-files."
"You mean she might have finally flipped out after everything that's happened to her?"
"I guess."
"...I think he's right."
Fox groaned softly. "You too?"
"Look at all she's lost, Fox. All that's been taken from her, done to her. Her life's been so full of sacrifice. Maybe she's really just finally blown a gasket, y'know?"
"And even if that's it...that excuses her, somehow?"
Alex shrugged and looked away.
"I know what you're thinking," Fox said, wrapping him in his arms.
"Do you?"
"Yeah. But we've been through this, Alex. You know what I feel about it."
Alex shook his head. "I know, but...I just...I've done so much worse, Fox. Why do I deserve forgiveness and not her?"
"How do I forgive her for purposely mangling our lives? How do I even begin to forgive her for coming this close," he said, holding his thumb and forefinger together, "to taking you from me?"
"How do I forgive myself for what I've done to you?"
" Alex ..."
"I've turned you against your best friend. I've turned you into a killer," he added, barely heard by the man whose body was pressed against his.
" You turned me into a living, breathing, feeling human being, Alex. That's what you've done. As for my best friend... she turned me against her. And she and her hired rapist turned me into a killer."
"None of those things would have happened if you didn't love me."
"No," Fox murmured. "They wouldn't have. If I never found you in California, I would have gone back to D.C, after my vacation and back to work. And every day after work, I'd go home to my empty apartment and live my empty life. And I'd never know joy or fun." He grazed Alex's jaw with his knuckles. "I'd never know how sweet it could be to be to be in love."
"You'd never know the misery you've suffered since that day," Alex said flatly.
"I know misery," Fox answered. "I've seen more than my share of it. The difference between this and that is, this can be stopped. And it will be. And at the end of it, we'll finally get to live the life we've only had teasing moments of so far."
Alex leaned into Fox's embrace and closed his eyes.
"I love you," he sighed. "I just don't want you regretting it when and if Skinner finally busts her, and she gets punished for all of this."
"It'll all be on her," Fox said, petting the head on his shoulder. "She's brought this all on herself."
"Doesn't mean it's going to make you feel any better when it all comes down."
"Well," Fox breathed, hugging Alex to him. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, 'kay? Now..." He took Alex's hand and placed it in his lap. "Where were we?"
"Your tea's getting cold, sweetheart."
Saying nothing, Scully lifted the cup to her lips.
Maggie watched her daughter, noticing how her hands shook. Her eyes filled with tears, and she put her own cup down.
"Dana..."
Scully looked up into her mother's eyes, and she blinked back the deluge she felt coming.
"I'm scared," Maggie whispered. "I'm scared for you, honey. Something's wrong, and you won't tell me what, but I know. I know something's very wrong..."
"Mom," Scully whimpered. "Don't cry. Please, don't."
"I can't...can't help it. My only daughter is in trouble, and she won't talk to me about it. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel?"
Scully bit down on her lip, almost hard enough to draw blood. Her body trembled violently as Maggie continued to cry, then she broke down, sobbing loudly.
"I'm sorry, Mom. I'm so...so...s-sorry. Don't be mad at me."
"About what , Dana? What happened?"
"He's dead. Alex Kry...cek is dead."
Tears streaming down her face, Maggie listened.
"I didn't mean to...I didn't...didn't want..."
"What happened, Dana?" Maggie whispered. "What didn't you mean to do?"
"I sacrificed as much as Mulder, and he...he ended up with a life when it was all over. With Krycek . I didn't understand, not...not really. But I wanted to. I wanted to know what it was like. But he wouldn't. None of this would have happened if he'd only..." Scully looked up at her mother. "Do you think it was my fault?"
"No, honey," Maggie said, wiping at her eyes as the tears continued to fall. "No. But...you need help. W-will you let me get you some help?"
"...Help?"
"Yes, sweetheart. Will you trust me to help you with this?"
Looking down at the table, Scully nodded.
"Good." Maggie got up and knelt beside her daughter, placing one hand on her knee. "It's going to be okay, honey. You'll see. Everything's going to be fine."
Maggie got to her feet and hurried away, leaving Scully sitting quietly, staring into her tea.
Fox moved slowly, his lips feeding gently on Alex's, drinking in the younger man's blissful moans. When he finally released Alex's mouth, he looked down into half-closed eyes and slipped his hand between their bodies, grasping Alex's sheathed cock.
Alex's eyes dropped shut, and he arched against Fox, hissing the other man's name. His fingers dug into Fox's ass, pulling him in hard as his lover steadily worked his cock. Fox understood and picked up the pace, driving into him as his hand moved faster.
"God. Oh...oh, Fox...it's...I..." Alex's fragmented words died as his orgasm hit. His mouth fell open, and a loud cry escaped as he bucked erratically between Fox's hand and his cock. Fox's harsh groans followed, and Alex wrapped his arms tightly around him as he stopped thrusting and fell heavily on top of him. Breathing deeply, he stroked his lover's hair and nuzzled the side of his head.
"Know what?"
"...Hmm."
"I'm really hungry now."
Alex felt Fox smile into his shoulder.
"Me too."
"Let's go get something to eat."
"'Kay."
The two lay quietly for a moment, then Alex gently pushed against Fox.
"You're not falling asleep, are you?"
"Hmm? No."
"Yes, you are. C'mon," Alex whined. "Get up!"
"All right, all right," Fox mumbled, lifting himself away from the younger man. "Need another shower." He smirked down at Alex. "We'll save time if we go together."
"Okay, but no funny business," Alex warned, rising to his feet and removing both condoms.
"Scout's honor," Fox answered, doing his best to look like he meant it.
"I'm serious, Fox; I need some food!"
"Okay, fine," Fox assured the younger man. "I won't lay a hand on you."
"Promise?" Alex asked, starting toward the bathroom.
"I promise!" Fox shouted, watching the younger man's ass as he reached the door. Chuckling softly, he sashayed into the bathroom.
"She's in the kitchen." Maggie Scully stepped back and allowed A.D. Skinner to enter. She took his arm before he could move any deeper into the house. "Please promise me you'll be kind. She's in a bad way."
Skinner nodded. He fell back, allowing Mrs. Scully to lead him to the kitchen. There he found Scully staring into her ice-cold tea.
"Dana?"
No response.
"Honey? Someone's here to see you."
Slowly, Scully looked up at the third party. She frowned, obviously confused at Skinner's presence.
"What're you...you're supposed to be in California looking for Mulder."
Skinner ignored the statement for the time being. Pulling up a chair, he faced Scully.
"Your mother says you need some help. I'm here to help you, Dana."
Scully's eyes grew wide, looking from Skinner to her mother then back again.
"You can't help me."
"I can. I want to. Tell me what's happened. You'll feel better if you do."
"Tell him, Dana," Maggie pleaded. "You know I wouldn't have asked him here if I thought he wouldn't help you."
"He was on their side," Scully whispered. "He was their friend. Not mine."
"You're wrong, Dana," Skinner insisted. "I'm your friend too. And I want to help. Please let me."
"There's nothing you can do."
"How do you know that?"
"Can you bring him back to life? Can you turn back time and put him back out on the streets and let Mulder never see him? We were okay, you know. Everything was fine before Mulder found him."
"I can't do that," Skinner murmured. "But even if it was possible...you would take Mulder's happiness from him?"
"Why is it only Mulder's happiness everyone's worried about? What about my happiness?" Scully whined. "Don't I deserve some happiness?"
"Of course you do. But did you find it in the misery you've caused your partner? Have you found it in the destruction you've caused?"
"It wouldn't have had to," Scully answered, sounding eerily like a ten year old.
"If?"
"If I'd just gotten what I wanted. It wasn't much to ask. Nobody knows how to share anymore."
"Share...what?"
"I wouldn't have had to take it if she'd have just shared it with me," Scully said, directing her conversation toward her mother.
Skinner leaned back, confused. Directing his gaze to Mrs. Scully, he hoped for some sort of explanation.
"Honey?" Mrs. Scully called softly. "What...what are you talking about?"
"The doll . It wasn't fair that Melissa had one and I didn't. She should have shared."
Maggie stared a moment, lips parted, then she inhaled sharply.
"They were just girls. Melissa was given a porcelain doll, and..." She looked back at her daughter. "I hate talking about her like she isn't here. Dana? Dana, what does this mean? Why are you talking about something that happened so long ago?"
"I don't know," Scully sighed absently. "I was just thinking about it."
Skinner retrained his stare on Scully. "What happened with the doll, Dana?"
Scully pursed her lips, rocking back and forth for a moment before answering. "Broke it."
"You did?"
She nodded.
"You wouldn't have had to do that if Melissa would have let you play with it, would you?"
"Nope." She looked squarely at Skinner. "Did you find Mulder?"
"Yeah," Skinner whispered hoarsely. "He's okay."
Scully nodded. "He'll forget about it. Melissa did."
"There's a difference," Skinner explained gently. "Do you know that, Dana? There's a difference between a doll and a human being."
"Krycek's not...wasn't a human being. Not the normal kind, anyway. Even so, I didn't...I didn't mean for him to die."
"What did you mean to happen?"
"To make him go away. To...Mulder was so...selfish. So...like Melissa. She used to prance around with that doll, showing her off all the time. Oooh, look at my pretty dolly. Where's yours, Dana? Oh, you don't have one."
Skinner ran his hand over his head.
"Dana..."
Scully looked up at her mother, eyes welling up with tears.
"I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to. Not really."
"I know, sweetheart," Maggie said, choking on her tears. "I know."
"You think Mulder knows?" Scully asked. "You think we'll be friends again now that Krycek is gone?"
"He's very upset," Skinner said softly. "He thinks you're not his friend."
"I am," Scully argued. "Would it help if I apologized?"
So far she'd remained vague. He needed her to say the words. He needed for her to admit to what she'd done.
"Apologized about...what?"
"You know."
"I'm not sure. Tell me."
Scully sighed. "The pictures and the test."
Skinner bit down on his lip and closed his eyes. "Test?"
"Yeah." Scully wrinkled her nose then swiped at her eyes. "I kinda messed with the results of Krycek's HIV test."
"Oh, God," Mrs. Scully gasped. "Oh God, no."
"I didn't mean for him to go and kill himself," Scully said, looking from her mother to Skinner, eyes pleading for someone to understand. "I just wanted to...scare them. Wake Mulder up, y'know?"
"What else?"
Scully looked down at her hands.
"What do you mean?"
"What else did you want to happen?"
"...I wanted..." She stopped then went on, anger beginning to shake her voice. "I wanted to punish him. Both of them. I've given up so much. Lost so much for Mulder. And I never asked for anything in return. Then he had the nerve to go flaunting his little boy toy in front of my face. He didn't even offer to share. And Krycek. That two-bit slut. He'd do anybody for a buck, but because he because he'd latched onto Mulder, he tried to pull that holier than thou crap with me. People are who they are. They might be able to cover it up for a while, but they can't change it. Both he and Mulder needed to be knocked down a couple of pegs..."
Maggie Scully dropped heavily into a chair, unable to mask her shock and her pain. Her daughter continued, oblivious to her reaction.
"...They needed to be reminded of who and what Krycek was."
"Mulder knew," Skinner said softly. "His eyes were wide open. And nobody knew better than Alex. But Dana, they loved each other. With true love comes forgiveness and understanding and acceptance. Would you even consider sharing someone you loved so deeply with another? Would you want to be shared?"
"This is different," Scully insisted.
"How?"
"Because of Krycek. Mulder couldn't love him, he couldn't . He just thought he did. And now..." Her tone softened again. "...now that he's gone, maybe things can get back to normal. Maybe Mulder and I can be partners again." Blue eyes stared at the stunned man. "You think so?"
"I...I don't know. I guess we'll have to wait and see what Mulder says. You uh...you stay here and finish your tea. I want to talk to your mother for a minute." Skinner looked over at the pale woman. "Mrs. Scully?"
Maggie rose on shaky legs and pulled her daughter into a gentle embrace. Kissing the side of her head, she moved away and joined Skinner in the living room.
"I don't...don't understand," she stammered, leaning against the sofa for support. "She's always been so strong minded. So compassionate and..."
"She's obviously very ill," Skinner concluded.
"But how did she get that way?"
"We both know what she's been through over the past several years. I've seen people fall apart over much less, but Dana's remained so...stoic. Apparently she wasn't as together on the inside as she appeared on the outside, and when Mulder began his relationship with Krycek, it proved to be the last straw."
Maggie Scully raised her hands to her face.
"What do we do? I don't know what to do. We have to help her."
"Mrs. Scully..."
Maggie took her hands away from her face.
"What Dana's done. It's...it's very..."
Maggie's eyes widened, and she began to tremble.
"You said you'd help her."
"I will. As much as I can. But the fact of the matter is, if Mulder and Krycek want to push this, she can be arrested on some very serious charges."
"But they've got to know that she wouldn't do such horrible things if she weren't terribly sick."
"Ma'am, I'm going to do my best to make sure that they both understand that. I'm going to go now. I'm going to call Mulder and let him know what's happening. I promised him I would."
Maggie nodded. "I should...I'm going to go back to Dana now."
"You do that. Keep her calm and relaxed, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can." Skinner turned to leave then stopped to face the woman again. "Thank you, Mrs. Scully. Whether you think so or not, you did the right thing for your daughter."
Mrs. Scully said nothing as Skinner walked to the door and opened it. He turned to look at her once more, giving her a nod before shutting the door behind him.
Fox sipped at his wine, watching Alex intently over the candle lit table. Alex stared back, spellbound. The flame enhanced the gold in his lover's eyes, and the radiant warmth in them heated him to his deepest recesses.
"Hungry?"
The softly uttered, double-entendre brought a hint of a smile to Alex's lips.
"Starving."
"The appetizers should be..."
The ring of his phone interrupted Fox's words. Pulling it out, he checked the incoming number then snapped the device open before jerking it up to his ear.
"Yeah."
"It's me. Am I interrupting anything?"
"We're out at dinner. What's up?"
"I just came from Mrs. Scully's."
"And?"
"She admitted to what she's done."
Fox closed his eyes and heaved a hard breath.
"Did you arrest her?"
Alex set his glass down and listened.
"No," Skinner answered.
"Why the hell not?"
"You need to come home, Mulder. You need to see her and understand what it is we're dealing with."
"Oh, we're coming home. But there's only one thing I need to understand."
"Fox..."
Vengeance etched into his taut features, Fox looked up at Alex. The younger man said nothing more, but the pleading look in his eyes gave Fox pause.
"Mulder, you don't know," Skinner continued. "You didn't see. She's sick. Very sick. Just try to keep your cool. See her before you make any hasty decisions."
"I'll see her."
"Thank you."
"In a box or behind bars. Take your pick."
"Mulder, please ."
"We'll get the first flight out. Thanks, Walt."
"Mulder, don't hang up."
"I'm here."
"Let me talk to Krycek."
"Why?"
"Just give him the phone."
Fox was quiet for a moment then handed the phone to Alex.
"He wants to talk to you."
Alex took the phone and, casting one more uneasy look Fox's way, he answered.
"Walt?"
"You gotta do something with him, Alex."
"...Like?"
"Calm him down before you get back here. I tried to explain to him the condition Scully was in, and he really doesn't seem like he wants to hear it."
"I know," Alex said softly. "Is it that bad?"
"Worse. She's not in her right mind. I know you've got less reason than anyone to want to understand, but I'm not exaggerating. She's gone around the bend, Alex. And I know that if she gets sent up, Mulder's going to end up regretting it."
"I've tried to tell him that."
"Tried?"
"Don't think I was very successful."
"You've gotta be. Try again. I mean...when it comes right down to it, you're the only one who can press charges. But he can do other things. Things that'll only end up hurting you both."
"I'll try again."
"If anyone can talk sense into him, it's you."
Alex said goodbye and disconnected then looked to Fox.
"He trying to talk you into getting me to behave?"
"Something like that," Alex answered. "Fox, promise me you won't do anything rash. Promise me you're going to check your rage at the door and see what kind of shape Scully's in before you do anything."
Fox stared for a good long time before taking Alex's hand and lifting it to his mouth. "Who knew you'd have such a kind heart? She doesn't deserve such kindness, you know."
"There was someone else not all that long ago who deserved no kindness, yet he got it."
Fox closed his eyes and kissed the hand softly.
"He didn't pretend to be my friend then purposely set out to destroy my life and the life of someone I dearly loved."
"Fox..."
"Look, here come the appetizers. Why don't you get started on them while I call the airport?"
Alex barely touched anything while Fox made the arrangements. When the flight was booked, Fox put his phone away and began picking at the calamari.
"We leave at eight-ten tomorrow morning."
Alex said nothing.
"Babe," Fox coaxed. "C'mon, don't worry. "I'll be good. I promise."
Alex eyed the older man warily. "You'll try to stay impartial when you see her?"
"...I'll try."
"You won't start yelling at her or try to kill her or anything?"
"I'll try ."
Alex sighed and looked down at the shrimp puff he'd put in his plate.
"Come on, baby; eat," Fox said in his most persuasive voice. "It'll be okay."
Alex lowered his head and speared the appetizer with his fork. Pushing it into his mouth, he chewed slowly.
"Is it good?"
Alex nodded silently.
Fox studied him for a moment then spoke.
"You're not going to stop worrying, are you?"
"I can't," was the soft reply.
"You're gonna turn completely gray before you hit forty," Fox warned good-naturedly.
"Sorry," Alex murmured. "I...I know you'll try."
"Doesn't make you feel any better though."
Alex took a deep breath and let it out. His eyes rose to meet Fox's, and he reached out to take the other man's hand.
"Truthfully, no. But I'll live through it, I guess."
Fox stared into his lover's eyes for long seconds then squeezed his hand.
"Let's eat. Then we can go back and get a good night's sleep."
Alex nodded in agreement, turning his attention to the food. Over an hour and a half later, they were on their way back to the hotel.
"You've been so quiet," Fox said, moving closer to his pensive lover in the back of the cab. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." Alex gave Fox a weak smile. "Fine."
Fox pulled the younger man into his arms and gently stroked his back.
"It's gonna be all right. I promise."
Alex wound his arms around Fox's waist and drew nearer, soaking in the older man's heat.
"It's almost over," Fox whispered, kissing the back of Alex's neck. "Almost over."
Alex wished with all his heart that he could believe it.
Skinner stood perfectly still. A statue amongst the animated throngs of travelers. Watching the sky.
The six-twenty flight appeared in the distance, and as it got closer, landing gear down and locked, his heart skipped a beat.
Mulder and Krycek would be here soon, standing before him. Muder would undoubtedly want to go straight to Maggie Scully's, and it would all start.
//God.//
He could only hope that Krycek had managed to talk Mulder into a calm enough state that he wouldn't attempt to murder Scully on sight.
The plane landed, and some fifteen minutes or so later, the couple appeared.
"Thanks for picking us up," Fox said, hiking his shoulder bag up higher and taking Alex's hand.
"No problem. Uh...you got anything to pick up on the carousel?"
"Yeah. We had to go clothes shopping, and then, of course, we had to get some luggage to put it in."
Skinner nodded, and the three headed to retrieve the bags.
"How're you feeling, Krycek?"
"Better, now that we're on the ground."
Fox squeezed the younger man's hand and smiled at him. "You did fine."
"What's wrong?" Skinner asked. "Did something happen on the plane?"
"No, it's just...Alex isn't overly fond of airplane landings."
An eyebrow arched over the rim of Skinner's glasses.
" Really . Well...you must be tired after your flight. I'll..."
"Call Mrs. Scully," Fox cut in.
"Mulder, wouldn't you rather wait until..."
"No, I wouldn't."
Skinner looked to Alex. "I thought you were going to do something."
"He promised me he'd control himself," Alex answered. "It's the best you're gonna get."
"Look, Walt, I don't want this to be dragged out any longer than it has to," Fox said. "Please call Mrs. Scully and tell her we're coming."
Skinner studied first one man then the other. Seeing the determination in one pair of eyes and resignation in the other, he pulled out his phone and called Maggie Scully.
"...Mrs. Scully. It's Walter Skinner. How is she? ...I see. Uh...I've got Mulder and Krycek with me. Is it all right if we come to see her?" Skinner leveled a narrowed gaze on Fox. "No. No, he won't. He's given his word. But he wants to see her now. He needs to understand why it is she's done what she's done...we'll be there within the hour."
Skinner disconnected and jammed his phone back in his pocket.
"She said that Scully has said very little since I was there last. She seems pretty well out of it."
"Did she know we were coming?"
"No. I know what you're thinking, Mulder. I'm telling you, she's beyond rational thought. She wouldn't have the presence of mind to fake her behavior."
"Yeah, well, we'll see about that."
"You promised, Fox," Alex said, noting the hostility in his lover's tone.
"I know," Fox answered, kissing the hand enfolded in his own as they continued through the airport. "I'll keep my promise."
DC Rain III
by Aries
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and talk to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry,
let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you,
you don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess
could make me love you less
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
So, if you're mad get mad,
don't hold it all inside ,
Come on and talk to me now.
And hey, what you got to hide ?
I get angry too
But I'm alot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads ,
don't know which path to choose ,
Let me come along ,
cause even if you're wrong
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
Take me into your darkest hour ,
and I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.
And when, when the night falls on you baby ,
you're feeling all alone ,
You won't be on your own,
I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
and I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you.
The Pretenders
"Sorry. No full size."
