Part Four
"Aaaaaleeeex..."
It was a teasing whisper, full of promise. It was accompanied by a
feather-light touch of lips to the tip of an exposed ear.
Thwack!
"Ow! Jesus!"
"Shit, Mulder! What the hell did you think you were doing? Oh, God, let me
get some ice..." Alex ran to the ice bucket on the dresser. It was nearly
empty, just a bit of water at the bottom. "Hang on, let me get some pants
on..." He struggled into his jeans and ran out the door to the ice machine
at the end of the hallway. Ran back to the room for the ice bucket. Ran
back to the ice machine...
When Alex got back with the ice, Mulder was still sitting on the floor where
he had fallen, holding a hand to his face.
//Where he fell after you hit him.//
//Shut up.//
//Nice job, Alex.//
//Shut the fuck up !//
Alex grabbed a washcloth from the bathroom, awkwardly wrapped some ice in
it, and offered it to Mulder. He fell to his knees beside him. "Can I look
at it? Jesus, I'm so sorry, Mulder. I just got startled, and—dammit. I
never meant to do that."
Mulder's answer was a blank stare at first, and then he slowly nodded.
Removing the icepack momentarily, he said, "I'm sorry too. I should have
known better."
Alex took the opportunity to examine Mulder's nose. He gently felt for the
side-to-side movement that would mean a trip to the emergency room.
"Is it broken?"
"No, it's not even bleeding. Mulder, for both of our sakes, please don't
try that again. I'm not used to sleeping with someone. I don't like
surprises in the morning."
Mulder grinned wryly. "Confucious say, 'Wake sleeping tiger with long
stick.' I'll remember next time. I just wanted to ..."
"I know. We'll work it out. Just give me some time to get used to this,
okay?
"Okay."
Alex sighed. Life on the road with Mulder would never be boring. "Keep the
ice on it. I'm going to go take a shower." He walked over to his bag and
rummaged through it to find clean clothes.
"Alex?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you need help scrubbing your back?"
"No, Mulder, I've got a brush for that. Thanks anyway."
Alex went into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. First things
first. He really needed to pee. Oh, yeah, much better. Mission
accomplished. Now for the shower. As he took off his jeans and tossed them
into the corner, it hit him.
//He didn't really think you needed help, you moron. He wanted to take a
shower with you. A shower . With. You. And you just turned him down.
In no uncertain terms. "No, Mulder, I've got a brush for that." Jesus,
what a fucking idiot. Okay, so last night he told you he loves you,
whatever that means, and you said it back, whatever that means, and now
you've just insulted him or rejected him and he's probably packing right now
and how could you possibly manage to fuck up your life any further?//
His mental voice was getting a bit shrill. //Maybe if I go back out there
and ...//
//What? Grovel?//
//Apologize.//
//Same fucking thing. Have some pride, for chrissakes.//
//No, it isn't the same thing. And I thought I told you to shut up.//
//I think perhaps you need my advice.//
//No, I really don't. Because neither one of us has any experience in this
sort of thing.//
//What does that mean?//
//It means that I think some things might be more important than my pride.
It means some things are worth groveling for.
And one of them is sitting on the floor holding ice on his nose. And he may
be feeling as stupid as I am. And the only way to fix this is to go out
there and find out. So shut up or get out.//
He took a deep breath, and then another one. When was the last time he had
felt so scared? Hey, he was Alex-fucking-Krycek , nothing scared him.
Right. Except looking foolish, evidently. Except confronting his feelings,
and the feelings of someone he had hurt. Again . //Shit. Shit shit shit
shit. Open the door.//
"Uh. Mulder?"
He was still sitting in the middle of the floor with the icepack to his
face. When he heard Alex's voice, he stiffened. "What?"
"I. Um. There's. There's a spot on my right elbow that never seems to get
really clean. So I. Could maybe. Use some help with it. Unless your
offer was limited to just my back." He gave a tentative smile, and waited
for an answer.
//Please, please, please//
Mulder's smile was the sweetest thing Alex had ever seen. "I think we could
re-negotiate the offer. Providing the incentives are favorable enough."
//Thank God. I can do this .// "Oh, I got your incentives right here ,
Mulder."
"Yes you do. Oh, my. Alex, you have beautiful incentives." Mulder stood
up and started across the floor to where Alex waited, tossing the makeshift
icepack into the bucket as he passed it.
//He did not just say that.//
Alex felt his face grow hot. //Are you blushing ? Get a grip. It's not
like he meant it or anything. He's just flirting, in that odd way of his.//
//I really want you out of my head. You're not helping.//
By the time Mulder reached him, Alex had himself back in some semblance of
control. Which evaporated at the first touch of his lover's hand.
It was just a simple stroke of a palm across a flushed cheek, but the
tenderness of the moment threatened to undo everything he held wound so
tightly inside himself. The hand left his face to move across his right
shoulder, gently stroking the collarbone with a restless thumb.
"I want you to know something, Alex." The raspy almost-purr weakened his
knees considerably. "It's not just sex. It's you ; who you are; that's
what I want."
//It would be so much easier if it were just sex. Who I am isn't ready
for this.//
Mulder wasn't finished. "But if you're not ready to give me that, I'll take
what I can get. It's been a long time since I felt like this...in fact, I'm
not sure I ever have felt like this before. I think with our history,
it'll be much too easy for one of us to hurt the other. And I'm not
talking about my nose. So I'm laying it all out, right here, and I want you
to listen and believe it. I enjoy being with you. I don't want this to
end. Whatever you can give me, I want it. If it's just sex for you..."
His voice trailed off. "Okay, well, I don't want to know that."
"It's not. Just sex. It's...I don't know what it is. When I said that
last night...when I told you I loved you...that's real. But I don't know
what it means. I don't know how to be in love with you. I know I want to
keep you safe. I know I want to be with you. I enjoy your company, Mulder,
especially now that you're not beating me up all the time." A sideways
glance through his lashes to see how that was received. "But I don't know
how to have a "relationship" anymore."
"Does that mean you don't want help with your—what was it? elbow?"
"Oh, no, I absolutely want help with my elbow. And there's another body
part that needs some of your special attention."
"Let me think...left knee? No? Hmmm.. how about ...here?" And Mulder's
lips gently grazed the same ear he had previously
tasted so briefly. This time, though, Alex's reaction was much more
appropriate to the moment.
"Ohhhh, yes, that's—hmm. Yeah."
"Alex, it has come to my notice that we are both naked here." Mulder's hands
smoothed up over Alex's chest and down his
back to clasp at his waist. His mouth switched to the other ear.
"Mmm?" Alex pushed forward slightly to rub his erection against Mulder's.
He leaned his head in to smell the incredible Mulderscent that had always
fascinated and aroused him. //Mine. Finally mine.// His hand crept up to
stroke the soft hair at the nape of Mulder's neck.
"And that there's a perfectly good shower through this doorway that you're
standing in."
"So?" //God, what is that? His shampoo? Nobody uses the same kind of
shampoo for seven years.// He tried a lick behind the ear to see if the
taste was as good as the smell. Oh yeah. Better, in fact. His tongue came
out again.
"So back up and let's get wet, lover."
"Wet. Yeah. Good idea." He slowly began backing up, pulling Mulder along,
trying to keep contact between them at a maximum. The friction between
their cocks was intense, and he thought back to the night before. The way
Mulder had made him incoherent with need just by touching him. Surely this
wasn't how things really were. Surely it had been because it was so long
since he...no, who was he trying to kid? It was Mulder, all of him, having
the man in his bed at last, being wanted like this. Because there was no
doubt that there was want and desire there. And now there was this other
thing. This thing where somebody said 'I love you' and it meant more than
'That was great, I'm done, where's my shirt?'...
//And the kissing, don't forget the kissing ...//
//What a good idea. I knew you'd come up with something useful one of these
days.//
Alex kissed a path around from Mulder's neck to the underside of his chin,
and up to the lips. The stubble felt so good beneath his mouth.
"Alex..."
"Mmmm." //Oh, God, yes, the kissing. That's why I was incoherent.
Christ.// And Alex remembered what this mouth, this gorgeous mouth, had
felt like on his cock. //So hot, so greedy, like I'm the only thing in the
world he can ever have and he wants all of me.//
They reached the tub at last, and Mulder's hand snaked in through the shower
curtain to turn on the water. He fumbled a bit, then broke off the kiss and
sighed in frustration. "Hold that thought." He pulled the curtain aside so
that he could see what he was doing and found the correct dial to turn and
knob to pull, and adjusted the temperature. He then climbed into the tub,
dragging Alex with him.
It was a tight fit, two six-foot-tall men in a small hotel-bathroom shower.
They stood sideways to the water, letting it pour over their heads as they
kissed again, tongues searching for any possible unexplored territory in the
other's mouth. Alex leaned in, pushing Mulder back against the wall. The
cold of the tiles made him jump, and they almost lost their footing.
Mulder snickered. "Careful, I don't want to end up in the hospital after
all."
"No, that would really ruin the plans I have for you. Stop talking and
kiss me some more."
"Again with the bossiness?"
Alex bit Mulder's bottom lip in answer. //Always wanted to do that.//
"God, you are so impossibly sexy. How did we ever last this long without
... this?"
"I don't know. If I had any idea it would be this amazing, I would have
gotten you out of that horrible suit and maybe you wouldn't..."
Alex stopped him with a kiss. "No, Mulder. No regrets for you. We can't
get back to that time. And the past is what shapes what we are. It's
entirely possible it wouldn't have been like this, back then. We didn't
know each other like we do now. It might have been just sex, and we both
would have moved on, and we wouldn't be here ...with me doing this," and he
reached down to cup Mulder's ass, "and I wouldn't be saying how much I want
you, and need you, right now." He looked into Mulder's eyes, checking for
—what? Hesitation? Did Mulder understand what he meant?
Mulder's slow smile seemed to indicate that yes, he understood perfectly
well. "I'm hoping that means you want to wear the other alien-head
condom?"
"Oh, gawd, I forgot. Frankly, Mulder, no , I don't want to wear that
freaky thing. But I do want to be inside you. Dammit." He started to
laugh. "We are the most fucked-up pair in the history of—I don't know.
I've made a career out of planning ahead, thinking ahead; always having
backups for my backups. How is it you can undo all that just by touching
me?" He leaned his head down onto Mulder's shoulder.
"Alex? This may be the right time to mention that I'm really absolutely
sure that I'm clean. I mean, they tested me seventeen ways from Sunday
after I ... returned. And there's been no one since. Well, not so many
before, either, for that matter. But you probably knew that anyway."
Alex's head came back up so that he could see Mulder's face. "For the
record, I have never once in my life had sex without a condom. And I
tested clean a year ago, and I haven't actually had time to fit sex into my
busy schedule lately, so..."
"So I really don't see that we have a problem here. Do you?" Mulder's hands
had been wandering over Alex's strong back and shoulders, feeling the
muscles under the wet skin.
"No, I don't see any problem at all. Are you really sure about this?"
"It may seem a little soon to be saying this, Alex, but I want what we have
to last. I can't ever imagine doing this with anyone else. I'm making a
commitment here, right now. I understand what it means, and I want it more
than anything I have ever wanted before in my life."
"Wow. Jesus. I was actually just asking if you were sure you wanted to— uh—bottom."
"Oh."
"But the other thing is good too." //Well, that was smooth.// "I mean, oh,
shit, Mulder, you turn me into a babbling idiot everytime you're near me.
Uh—okay, here goes: I'm willing to give you as much of me as there is,
for as long as you want it."
He smiled slyly and grabbed Mulder's cock, stroking it slowly but firmly.
"And if you ever try to leave, I'll track you down and kill you. How's that
for a commitment?"
"That's my sweet-talkin' guy."
"But, Mulder? We have a bit of a situation here."
"Yeah, I know; I'm trying to get you to fuck me."
"Yes, and you're facing the wrong way. Didn't they teach you basic anatomy
at Oxford?"
Snerk. "Very funny. You know you need to let go of that so I can move,
right?"
"What, this?"
"Careful, I'm gonna need that later."
"Oh, yeah you are. But just for now, I'll let go so you can turn around."
They carefully untangled their feet and Mulder started to turn. "Um, Alex?
This may be a good time to mention that I've never actually ... done this.
With anyone. Before. And I really, really want to, but..."
" 'S okay, Mulder, just face toward the end of the tub. Now brace yourself
with your arms on the edge. I promise you'll like this. And I'll stop if
you need me to. Just relax, baby. Everything's good." Alex's hand stroked
Mulder's back soothingly.
"Ohhh, I like that."
"Feels good?"
"Yeah, but—when you call me 'baby'. Your voice is incredible. It just
—does things to me. Hot, sexy things"
"You like it better than 'Fox'?"
"Oh, yeah."
"Okay, 'cause that felt a little weird."
"Well, good, that's settled then."
"Baby?" He felt a shiver run across Mulder's back.
"Oh, God. What?"
He giggled. "Just checking." Alex's hand left off its stroking and there
was nothing for a moment.
"Alex...please. I will beg you if I have to, but just do something."
"I am trying to unwrap this stupid wet soap wrapper with one hand and my
teeth."
"Give it to me...there."
"Thank you."
"You don't have to pretend around me. Just ask if you need help."
"Thanks. I will. Well, I'll try. But I'm all set now. No help required."
He used his hand and Mulder's back to work the soap into a lather, and then
began to spread the slickness down towards Mulder's ass. "Don't wiggle so
much."
"Can't help it, I'm ticklish there."
"Get over it." He found the small opening and circled it with his index
finger. "I'm just gonna put in one finger, babe, okay? We need to do this
slow or it'll hurt. Are you ready?"
"Yessss, oh God, Alex, please."
Slowly he worked his finger into the tightness. His cock was screaming at
him to hurry, but he knew it had to be this way.
"How's that feel? Okay?"
"More, I need more, pleasepleaseplease."
"Now who's the greedy slut? Two fingers now. There."
"Uhhhh. Oh, Alex. Yesyesyes. Do it. Just do it, damn you. God, please,
please, Alex, please..." Mulder's hips pressed back onto Alex's fingers
restlessly.
"Mulder, I don't want to hurt you—"
"Alex, I swear to God you will not hurt me so would you just please do
it. I want to know what it feels like to have you inside me. I want to
know what you felt last night when I was inside you. I want—I want
you ."
Alex slicked his cock and carefully pressed the tip against the resistant
ring of muscle and gently began to press inwards. His hand made soothing
circles on Mulder's back. "Okay, baby, just relax, open up for me, that's
it." Once the head was inside,
he stopped and waited. But those restless hips began to move again, pushing
back so that more of his length was taken inside the glorious heat.
Mulder moaned once and began to pant. "Alex, please, I need it. Oh, come
on, just—"
Alex grabbed Mulder's left shoulder and used the leverage to push all the
way home. They groaned in unison. Alex was so close to orgasm, it felt
like the slightest movement would tip him over the edge. "Don't move for a
second, baby, okay? Or it's all gonna be over...God, you're so hot. Are
you okay? Does it hurt?"
"I'm fine—ohhh, I 've wanted this for so long, Alex. It feels so good.
Perfect. Like it was meant to be. Like we were made for this purpose."
"Damn, babe, you're poetic when you got a dick up your ass."
Mulder gave a slight chuckle that made his internal muscles contract around
Alex. "I think you should get used to that. I don't think I'm going to
ever let you go."
Alex's cock gave a twitch. Mulder chuckled again. "Did you like that? How
'bout this one—I love you, Alex."
Alex started to move. He had to, or he felt like he would explode. The
sensations, the feelings,—it was more than he could take. He felt like
it was his first time instead of Mulder's. He drew back, then pressed
home again. Slowly at first, then faster until the rhythm took over his
brain and all he could do was howl. He was vaguely aware of Mulder's moans
as they rocked together. And then he was aware of nothing but his orgasm,
feeling himself letting go deep within his lover's body.
He came back to himself draped over Mulder's trembling back. //God, that
was perfect. So perfect.//
He heard Mulder's strangely breathless voice. "Um, Alex? Could you please,
uh, help me out here? Now that your hand is available, I mean."
The words slowly filtered into his mind and lined up in order. //Help.
Hand. Available. Damn.//
Mulder continued. " 'Cause I'm a little occupied with keeping us from
falling to the floor in a boneless heap, except that one of us isn't
actually boneless, if you know what I mean."
Alex's searching hand trailed down Mulder's stomach to find his still hard
cock. A few strong strokes, and he felt muscles squeezing his own softening
cock as Mulder screamed his name and came all over the end of the tub.
The water was starting to cool considerably by this time, and Alex knew they
had to move. He pulled out, hearing Mulder's moan echoing his own. He
pulled Mulder upright and tugged on an arm to turn him for a kiss. They
washed each other quickly, fumbling a bit with still-shaky hands, the
washcloth feeling rough on their sensitive cocks.
Mulder turned off the water and claimed Alex's mouth for one last, deep kiss
before they got out of the tub and dried each other.
"What now? I vote we go back to bed and see what happens."
"Mulder, you are incredible. We're not teenagers anymore. I may need to
wait a few hours before you get a repeat performance."
Mulder gave him an evil leer. "We could just cuddle a little. Talk."
"What are you, a woman? Ex-thugs don't cuddle. It's not in the job
description. I checked." But he let himself be led to the bed and lay down
next to Mulder on his left side. He draped his arm over Mulder's ribcage
and sighed.
"You really are, you know. Incredible. That was—I don't have words.
Are you sure you never did that before?"
"Nope. Never had the opportunity."
"I thought you said you were bi? That usually indicates that you've at
least tried something like that."
"What I said was that I've known I was bi since high school. I'm attracted
to men as well as women. But the one and only time I actually got to do
anything about it, it turned out that he wasn't quite as into it as I was.
So it really didn't get too far. Not for lack of trying on my part, I
assure you. After that, it was easier on my ego to stick to women. It
didn't seem to matter as much with them if I got shot down. And then I met
you.
"And you became the gold standard in my mind. None of my previous fantasies
could measure up to you. But I'd have been crazy to make a move; it would
have destroyed me if you had turned me down. So I just kept dreaming of
maybe someday having you right where you are now."
Alex's arm tightened as he buried his face in Mulder's chest. "Even after
—"
"Yeah, it got a little dark there for a while in Mulderland, but it was
still you. I tried not to think about it, it hurt so much, but every once
in a while there you were. And then I—"
"What?"
"I bought some...toys."
Alex levered himself up on Mulder's chest, and stared at him. Thought about
the way he'd said 'toys' so defensively. "You're not talking about Legos,
are you? Mulder, did you buy a dildo?"
"Yes." The usual teasing undercurrent was completely gone from Mulder's
voice, and he sounded so vulnerable Alex had to reassure him.
"I'm not laughing at you, baby. I just—wow. So you..."
"I pretended it was you. Sometimes. When I needed it. And I hated you for
making me need you like that. So whenever I actually saw you; well, you
remember, I'm sure."
"Yeah."
"But you never really fought back, and I just got tired of the hating. It
was tearing me up inside. So when you pulled up outside Scully's apartment
that night, I barely hesitated before getting into the car with you. It
seemed so obvious in that moment how wrong I had been. There was still some
left-over hostility there, but I was on the way out the other side."
"Oh, God, baby, I'm so sorry. For all of it. It was killing me, too. But
they—"
"Shh, I know. We were both trapped in the situation. No regrets, remember?
We're starting clean here. We can talk about it if it helps, but no more
blame. It's just us , from now on. Together. Okay?"
"Okay." But Alex's voice was doubtful until Mulder's lips found his.
Sinking into his lover's arms, all his doubts faded, to be replaced by the
strange feeling of completeness he had finally found. This was what he had
been missing all his life. The total acceptance and // okay, say it //
love he felt from Mulder made him near to tears. This was real. This was
forever.
Resting his head on Mulder's shoulder, Alex drifted in thought. Mulder's
voice pulled him back.
"Alex, were we going to Wyoming or anything? 'Cause it's after ten, and the
check-out time is eleven."
"Oh, sure, drag me back to bed and then don't even follow through. You men
are all alike."
Snerk. "We're driving through Cleveland, right? Can we make a stop at the
Rock & Roll Hall of Fame?"
"I'm going to regret this, I'm sure, but why?"
"Just before I left a report came across my desk concerning a woman who
swears she saw Jerry Lee Lewis's ghost in front of the Elvis exhibit. So I
was thinking maybe ..."
"Mulder, did you pull this kind of stuff on Scully? 'Cause if you did, it
amazes me how infrequently she shot you."
"I used to take the bullets out of her gun before making this kind of
suggestion."
"Good plan."
"So, can we? Please, please, can we?"
"How many more of these stops are you planning?"
"Well..."
"Listen, Mulder, I'll give you two hours at the Hall of Fame today. Any
further stops will be negotiated at a later time."
"I can live with that. But there is one other thing I'd like to do in the
next few days."
"Oh, please God, kill me now. What?"
"You might like this one. I was thinking maybe we could find a tattoo
place. For me. Would you prefer the left or right side? And should we
make it 'Alexei'? Or just 'Alex'?"
He tried to hide his smile, and failed utterly. "Just 'Alex' is fine. You
do realize it's gonna hurt like hell, right?"
"Yeah, but you'll be there to hold my hand, right?"
"Always. Count on it."
"I am."
Road Trip
by Starfish
Room 287
Dark. So peaceful and dark. Sleep is so good when there are no nightmares.
The best thing in the world. Almost.
