Chapter 7
Author: Ellen
Rating: NC-17 (overall)
Spoilers: Somnambulist
Summary: In order for the three to survive a new challenge, Doyle must learn to accept his inner demon.
Disclaimer: Angel, Doyle, Cordelia and all other characters from the Angel television series belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and/or 20th Century Fox and other entities who aren't us. We only wish that we owned them and could keep them safe and happy and loved.
Thoughts between Angel, Doyle and Cordelia are marked //like this.//
Reluctantly, Angel approached the door, his hand trembling slightly despite his efforts to control it. As the impatient knock sounded once again, he took a deep breath, realizing that he actually needed it now – what a strange feeling that was – and grasped the knob, quickly turning it to admit his visitors.
"Angel, it is quite late. Whatever was so important that you needed me to pick up Ms. Doyle and return here at once?" Wesley's confused expression was mirrored on the face of his companion.
"Is Francis all right?" Harry spoke softly, not wanting to hear the news she feared, that Doyle was lost to them again.
Angel said nothing but moved to the side, allowing them to enter the office, feeling his lovers' fear in his mind. He followed Harry and Wesley to the floor below, entering his apartment. Here he led the way, his visitors following. As they turned to enter the kitchen, he heard Harry sigh in relief at the sight of her ex-husband, seeing him sitting at the table. Doyle appeared normal but Wesley's gasp of surprise was followed by her own at the sight of the other person in the room. Cordelia looked up at them with her red eyes, her bluish-green skin studded with spikes.
"Yes, I know, green and red clash, already." Her voice was husky, as if she'd been crying and evidently she had. Looking at Wesley, she tried to smile but it came out as a grimace. "So much for me being the weak human in the group, huh?"
Harry turned from Cordelia toward Doyle. "Francis, if she has your demon, then what – "
Doyle didn't speak a word in answer but lifted his upper lip to reveal fangs. Harry pressed a hand to her mouth, trying to block a little moan of dismay at the sight. Angel crossed the room to stand behind his lovers, a hand on their shoulders.
//Love, give them some time to adjust,// he sent to Cordelia, then squeezed Doyle's shoulder lightly, feeling the barrier that Doyle had erected to keep them out. He felt the other man flinch at his touch, his eyes still fixed on the shocked face of his ex-wife.
After explaining the situation to their guests, they sat at the kitchen table in silence, each mulling over the possibilities and problems that presented themselves.
"What I don't understand is why, if you could draw the demon out in the past, you can't draw your demons back to yourselves now?" Harry asked, slowly stirring her rapidly cooling coffee.
"We've tried. It seems that when Penn cast the spell but didn't complete it, it 're-anchored' us, like a rubber band being stretched out all the way and then suddenly let go. Cordelia was holding all of our powers and when she found Doyle not breathing, the vampire inside her was naturally drawn to him."
"Yeah," Doyle interjected heavily. "Makes sense, with me bein' a corpse and all." He was rewarded by a wince from Harry and a flare of anger from Cordelia.
"So, even though Doyle was able to maintain human form most of the time, so far Cordelia hasn't been able to do that. Given enough time, she might learn that control but time may be part of our problem," Angel explained, with a gesture offering coffee to the rest of the group.
"Why yes, thank you." Wesley spoke, grasping the coffee gently. "If I might be allowed to speculate, it would seem that in your original spell, the intentions, both acknowledged and unacknowledged were to anchor life and soul, Doyle and Angel. Penn's intent was to return Angel to his original state. Unfortunately, he failed to account for the fact that Angel was human to begin with and that his soul and self were bonded. However, that relates very little to the problem now presenting itself. I would suspect that your concern, which is most likely quite valid and the reason why you called upon us to return at this late hour, is that the longer you retain your present states, the more tightly they'll become part of you. It could become impossible to return you to your normal states, if the present state of affairs continues long enough."
Cordelia rose from her seat, looking at each face around the table and excusing herself. She strode to the bedroom, carefully locking the door behind her as she built the walls in her mind to shield her thoughts again.
Angel and Doyle rose from their own seats as she left the room and gasped as they felt their partner block them from her mind. Angel slumped back into his chair as Doyle began to move towards the bedroom door.
//Doyle, let her be,// Angel sent, his tone mild.
//I can't, man. Don't let Harry or Wesley follow me.// Doyle leaned against the door, hearing the quiet sobs behind it. //I'm gonna owe you a door, love.//
They heard it in the kitchen, the groan of stressed hinges and the splintering of wood. Angel didn't flinch at the noise, suggesting only that they move upstairs to the office. Wesley and Harry followed him, casting glances back at the shattered remains of the door, almost hidden in the darkness.
"Angel, do you think Cordelia will be able to handle this?" Wesley asked, concern evident in his voice.
"She's a lot stronger than most people give her credit for, Wesley. It won't be easy but she's a survivor." Shielding his thoughts from Doyle and Cordelia, Angel went on. "Actually, in the long run, I'm more worried about Doyle."
Harry nodded. "Francis has always taken everything hard. Adjusting to yet another change that he couldn't control..." she sighed. "Yes, it will be a struggle for him, whichever way it goes."
"We'll start the research immediately, if that's quite all right with you, Ms. Doyle?" Wesley turned to her and asked. His eyes softened as he gazed at her.
"That's fine. I think I have Wonstin's 'Allaying the Powers' at my apartment, I borrowed it from the university." Harry blushed under his gaze and slipped through the open door. Wesley followed quickly, struggling not to reveal how his heart leaped at the chance to spend more time with this delightful creature.
Doyle rocked Cordelia in silence, her tears almost searing on his cool flesh. He had never realized how warm human bodies were.
Finally, she let down her barriers and let his mind touch hers.
//It's my fault. If I had just knocked him out instead of killing him, maybe we could have found a way to make him reverse the spell. If I'd let him just finish the spell, we would have been dead but if I hadn't interrupted then, we wouldn't have gotten all mixed around like this. I killed him without even thinking if there could be another way.// Cordelia's thoughts were jumbled, coming to him without going through the conscious filter they had developed to keep stray thoughts from filling each other's minds.
//Darlin'. If you hadn't killed him, he'd have killed us. There wasn't time for much thinkin' right then. Worse, Angelus would ha' come back and killed us. //
//You don't understand. Angelus was inside me then and all I wanted to do was win. I wanted to kill Penn for taking away what was mine.//
//And now he's in me, I guess. But, Princess, we're all... still here. Sure we're not right as rain but we're still here.// Doyle repeated his reassurances to his lover, as her sobbing slowly came under control.
He wasn't sure whether she had noticed his hesitation at the thought that they were all still alive. Were they? Was he?
Trying to be strong for her, he forced back that thought and continued. //And what could be better revenge on him than to become what we were and stronger?//
She reached for him, grabbing his arms with both hands. //You must hate me now.//
//Hate you? Never happen. Look, darlin', you don't see any hate here, do ya?// He opened his mind to her as far as he dared.
//You're still keeping something back. What if I never learn how to go back to human form? Can you stand to look at this face? When you look at me, do you see me, or do you see your demon?//
//Both,// he answered honestly. //But I can tell you one thing, 'Delia. I couldn't stop lovin' you even if I tried. You're a part of me now.//
//Yeah, like... what was that dead bird the old sailor guy had around his neck?//
//You're no albatross, darlin'. You brought me back from death, not once but twice now and that's how you got that face you're wearin'. Don't think I didn't notice.//
//I don't want gratitude and guilt, dammit! I want to see the same look in your eyes that used to be there when you saw me, when you saw the face I used to have. And I don't know if I'll ever see that look again.//
//Delia, even if I never see my own face in a mirror again, I can promise you, you'll always find in it all the love I have to give.// He stroked her hair gently, looking at the rough skin and wicked-looking spikes but sending her a quick image to show her that, in his mind, he was seeing only Cordelia.
//You'll learn how to control this if you have to,// he assured her. //Of course, after tomorrow, we shouldn't have to worry about it.//
//What if we can't change back? What if I can't learn how to control it?// She stared up at him, her mind searching his for any sign of disgust, of distaste at what he saw before him. //What if I never learn how to look human again?//
//That won't happen but either way, you're still you and you're still mine, Delia darlin', now and forever. You won't find anything different no matter how long you look. The Princess may be under a spell right now but she's still my very own dear love. Don't ever doubt it, not for a moment,// he sent strongly to her and felt an echoing rumble from somewhere deep within him. //You are mine.//
Slowly, a weak smile began to form on her lips. //You do make one possessive vampire.//
//You know it.// Knowing that she needed this from him, he let his fingers move gently from her hair onto her face, lightly circling the spikes with his fingertips. //Every part of you is mine.//
//Every part? Even the demony parts?//
//Every part,// and he emphasized the thought with his touch. //No exceptions. I claim you, Cordelia Chase, whatever you may look like.// The vampire within him stirred, seeming to grow stronger as his fingers drew slow, sensuous circles around the spikes on her face. //Consider yourself a marked woman.//
//Or demon.//
//Whatever. It doesn't matter,// he sent fiercely, both of them realizing at the same time that it really was true. //You could be a purple people-eater, sweetheart and you'd still be mine. Today, tomorrow, and always.//
//Tomorrow, maybe, I'll kick your male-chauvinist butt for that but right now, thank you,// she sent back to him, cherishing the tenderness in his touch. She pressed her lips to his hand, as she felt the rest of her energy drain from her.
//Rest now. You need it.//
//Yes.// She let herself relax into his arms, feeling a strength there that reassured her. Gradually, she drifted into sleep against his shoulder.
He looked up to see Angel standing against the remains of the door jamb, leaning heavily on it.
//Are you all right?// Angel's question was full of warmth and concern for Cordelia, for both of them, mingled with his own love for them.
//'M fine.// Doyle let his mind wander through his memories of the last few minutes and pushed the images to Angel.
//I had no idea that she would or could blame herself for killing Penn. She did the only thing that she could, the right thing. If she hadn't, you and I wouldn't be here.// Angel slipped onto the bed, holding Doyle, who still held Cordelia.
//What if she's right and we can't change back the way we were?// Doyle sent.
//Whatever happens, we'll all get through it together,// Angel assured him. But, when his lips brushed Doyle's face gently, Doyle turned away as though afraid.
Sleep took them both slowly.
The harsh knock on the door woke Doyle and he slipped from the arms of his lovers, trying not to wake them. Opening the door, he motioned Harry and Wesley into Angel's office. He noticed that Wesley's hand was on Harry's arm, in a proprietary gesture and to his own surprise, he found an angry growl rising at the back of his throat. He forced it down.
Harry wasn't his any more. She hadn't been his in years. So why did he feel like someone was moving in on his territory?
As he closed the door, Doyle struggled to keep his expression under control.
"Francis, we think we've found a way but I know that it will be difficult for you," Harry said bluntly, watching him for his reaction.
Doyle kept the spurt of hope pushed down and calmly asked. "What?"
Wesley moved in quickly to fill the momentary silence, while Harry's eyes never left Doyle's face. "Well, you see, if we cast a version of the spell a third time, with the intent of returning things to the way they once were, we can put things right. This time, ah, an actual act of physical intimacy will not be required, since the bond between you has already been established. You each must call your demons back to yourselves, voluntarily reabsorbing the demon and all that comes with it. Then everything should be back to normal." Wesley smiled as he delivered the good news, his smile falling as he watched Doyle's face become ashen.
"Francis," Harry said gently. "I know that taking back your demon by your own choice won't be easy for you."
"Not easy? How about impossible?"
"I think you and Angel and Cordelia, have proven more than once that 'impossible' isn't really an issue for the three of you."
"You always thought you understood me, Harry but you didn't. If you'd ever understood me, you would know what you're asking."
Wesley moved closer to Harry, as though to protect her from Doyle's sudden anger. "There's no need to be rude about it," he began but Doyle ignored him.
"Harry, you of all people should know I can't do this."
"Even if the alternative is that Cordelia can never become human again?"
"Don't push me," Doyle warned, fighting against his need to lash out at her. //Angel, Cordelia, could you please come up here?// Doyle called his lovers, his partners, as he tried to control the emotions roiling inside him.
Without speaking a word, he walked away from Harry and Wesley. Right now he couldn't trust himself not to say or do something he knew he was going to regret.
He heard Harry murmur reassuringly to Wesley. He didn't particularly care to hear what they said to each other but his newly keen vampire hearing made it difficult not to catch fragments of their quiet conversation.
"But why not? Brachen demons aren't evil. And he's not even fully Brachen." "Never realized... sneezed, then spikes..." "...Cordelia... freak out... being a demon... not and that's weird..."
Cordelia and Angel appeared at the door, their apprehension visible.
"Oh!" Harry's surprised gasp at their sudden appearance echoed in the room. Facing Angel and Cordelia, with his back to the others, Doyle silently relayed the news that Harry and Wesley had brought.
Angel nodded, then turned to Wesley and Harry. "Thank you."
"Somehow, Angel, I didn't expect that you'd be the one thanking us," Wesley said. "After all, you are the only one who is being called upon to give up your humanity."
"I've done it before," was all Angel would say. Wesley looked at Cordelia, a question in his eyes.
"Cordelia, are you going to be all right?" he asked gently.
"As long as Doyle and Angel are all right, I will be," she answered. It was clearly not the response that he was expecting.
With obvious difficulty, Doyle faced Wesley and Harry. "You worked hard to find this, I know. Thank you."
Acknowledging the effort, Wesley simply nodded.
"As Doyle explained, you all must call your original selves back voluntarily. Francis can't avoid his Brachen demon, Angel must give up being human and Cordelia must realize that being human is not the same as being powerless. You all must embrace what you were separately to embrace what you are together fully." Harry picked up her coat and the stack of books she'd brought in and stood. Wesley hurriedly stood as well. "I think that the spell would be best cast tomorrow, as we'll all be prepared for it and I believe we all need to get some rest before we begin. Agreed?"
Murmurs of agreement rustled about the room. Wesley and Harry left, leaving Angel, Doyle and Cordelia with a single question in their minds.
//What now?//
