Chapter 8
Author: Ellen
Rating: NC-17 (overall)
Spoilers: Somnambulist
Summary: In order for the three to survive a new challenge, Doyle must learn to accept his inner demon.
Disclaimer: Angel, Doyle, Cordelia and all other characters from the Angel television series belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and/or 20th Century Fox and other entities who aren't us. We only wish that we owned them and could keep them safe and happy and loved.
Thoughts between Angel, Doyle and Cordelia are marked //like this.//
Doyle lounged on the couch, with Cordelia curled up and sleeping by his side, watching Angel pace back and forth. //Best quit that, man, you're makin' me hungry.//
//Blood's in the fridge,// Angel sent back in a distracted fashion and Doyle's eyes narrowed.
//Is that it, then? Oh, welcome to the world of the undead, blood's in the fridge?//
//What do you want me to say?//
Doyle shook his head slowly. //No, it's not you. Sorry. It's me, here, or what used to be you, or whatever. So, what is this deal? One moment I'm feelin' so good, like I could walk on the stars and the next, I wanna kill somethin'. Is this normal for vampires?//
//Yes.//
//Y'know, when I was younger, Harry always used to call me a 'control freak.' She didn't know the half of it, I'm thinkin'. All of a sudden I feel like some old tomcat marking territory everywhere I go. Is this me, Angel, or is this our mutual friend?//
Angel hesitated. //It's tough to explain this.//
//So try anyway.// There was a tone of command in his mental voice, a new tone that just wasn't taking 'no' for an answer.
As Doyle leaned back on the couch, awaiting Angel's reply, Angel couldn't help but notice how much had changed about Doyle in the few short hours that he had been a vampire. There was a grace and confidence in Doyle's movements that hadn't been there before. Cordelia was curled drowsily against him, in a surprisingly submissive pose and Doyle's arm circled her lightly but with a careless certainty that had never been there before, either.
As Angel observed the two of them, Doyle caught his thought, eyes narrowing. //Yeah. You're right.// He glanced down at Cordelia. //Odd thing is, I always knew before how you two felt, in my head but it never felt like I deserved it. And now, it's like part of me demands it, like I've actually got it comin' to me, somehow.//
//Don't confuse accepting our love with wanting to control us. They're two different things.//
Doyle frowned and Angel could feel the sudden flash of temper. //Don't try to tell me what to do — // he started and then stopped himself. //Wait a minute, that was exactly what I wanted you to do, was to tell me what to do. So, why don't I want you to do it?//
//Doyle, I'll try to explain but it's not an easy thing. No one has even invented any words for some of this but the vampire in you, it's like a parasite. It's very primitive and doesn't really have a mind or personality of its own. It latches on to yours, grabs hold of whatever's darkest in you, the part of you that doesn't care what anybody else feels. We all have that, every one of us.//
//Go on.// Doyle's gaze was intent.
//When Cordelia got to you, you were pretty much gone. I could feel it. In a normal situation, you couldn't have been turned at that point, because you hadn't shared blood with a vampire. But with the bond, you had already shared more than that with me and that means, with... our mutual friend. And, because it had been inside me for so long, with me loving you, maybe some of that emotion was still left in him... in it... at a very basic level. There was something there that responded to Cordelia's attempts to bring you back by moving into your body and it worked. But when the change actually happened, when he... it... transferred to you, it stopped being Angelus and became instead what you would be as a vampire.//
//And that's why I don't have your memories?//
//Right and why I still do have them. That's why I had all of the memories, so clearly, when I was cursed. It just absorbs what is in the human host and the vampire becomes what that person would have been without inhibitions, without a conscience.//
//Without a soul.//
The thought hit Angel at the same moment that it swept through Doyle, like a river of ice. //Without a soul to call my own.//
//No, Doyle! My soul was anchored in the two of you and the bond still exists. That means your soul must be anchored in us, just the same.//
//Or maybe not. Maybe we're just foolin' ourselves, eh, Angel?// Doyle sat up abruptly, releasing Cordelia, who blinked sleepily, then straightened, beginning to sense that something was wrong.
//Doyle?// she sent out a tentative thought. //What is it?//
The thought that came back was bitter. //Oh, nothing much. Just figuring out I may have lost my soul, is all. Nothing to lose your beauty sleep over.//
//Doyle!// She was more shocked than hurt. //Don't be a fool. If you'd lost your soul, we would have noticed.//
//Don't call me a fool.// As she reached out toward him, he moved away from her. //I put up with that long enough from you. No more.//
//Doyle, what's going on?// Cordelia's thoughts were beginning to be tinged with fear, not for herself but for him. //What's gotten into you?// and then she gasped at her own inadvertent choice of words.
//What you put into me, darlin',// he sent back.
His thoughts had never sounded so sarcastic and hurtful before. She gripped his arm and he pulled her hand away, bending her fingers back roughly enough that he could feel a flash of pain.
He tasted her pain and he liked it.
They stared at each other for a moment, sharing his realization. When he caused her pain, it excited him.
Angel intervened swiftly. //Doyle, you feel guilt because you enjoyed that, which means that your soul is still intact. If it weren't, you wouldn't be able to feel that shame you're feeling now.//
//But I did enjoy it. I hurt Cordelia and I enjoyed it. Oh, man, I don't want to be what I'm becoming.//
//You can control it. I did.//
//How can I control it, when it feels so good?// Cordelia tried to reassure him with a touch but unable to bear the contact, Doyle shot to his feet.
//Delia, get away from me. I can't take a chance on hurting you.//
//I'll take the chance. I'm a big girl now. Actually, I'm a big demon now, I can take care of myself.//
//Yeah, sure. I've done enough to you already, haven't I?//
//Doyle,// she chided gently. //Just because you're a vampire with a soul now, doesn't mean you have to get all broody.//
//You don't understand. You can't understand.// He took a few steps away from her, trying to put distance between them.
//Here we go again. Is this the part where I have to die first before I can understand? I don't think so. So you've got the whole vampire thing now about getting off on pain. So what? Angel could deal with it, so can you.//
//It's not easy, Cordelia,// Angel sent gently. //Yes, I learned to control it but it took time. Doyle has only had these desires for a few hours. He can't be expected to have it under control yet.//
//And how many people do I kill before I get it under control?// Doyle walked toward Angel and his pace was that of a predator, stalking prey. //How many, Angel?//
//No one has to die. There's blood in the refrigerator and your other needs...//
//Yes?//
//We can help you.//
//Help me? By giving me what I want, even if that's your pain? Is that what you call help?//
Doyle moved swiftly, faster than he himself expected and before he even thought about it, he was standing behind Angel, with one hand clenched around Angel's arm. He pulled back slowly, opening himself fully to feel the first delicious hint of pain.
//Is that what you mean? You're gonna let me hurt you? Is that it?//
//Doyle, stop it,// Cordelia sent sharply, getting up and moving toward them.
//You don't give the orders around here, Princess. It's time you learned that.//
//Cordelia.// Angel's thought was carefully cool, neutral. //It might be better if you left us alone for a little while.//
//No way! Leave while he wants to hurt you? I'm so not letting that happen.//
//And how do you think you're goin' to stop me, Princess?// Doyle had never made that endearment sound so much like a taunt before.
//Well you see, you've lent me this really cool body,// she responded angrily. //It can do some neat things, remember?//
//You can't take me. But I wouldn't mind lettin' you try,// he sent back and then, abruptly: //Actually, yeah, I would mind.//
//Cordelia,// Angel warned her gently. //No one is going to do anything tonight that we can't live with tomorrow. Get it?//
//Let her go, then,// Doyle sent, giving Angel's arm a quick, vicious twist as he pressed closer against his back, then letting go.
He was teasing himself with that little thrill of pain and they could all feel it.
//I'll have plenty of time for her later, after you give me what I want. You promise? I can almost taste your blood in my mouth.//
//Doyle!// Cordelia advanced protectively toward them. She wasn't sure herself if she was protecting only Angel or protecting them both.
//Cordelia, let me.// Angel's mental voice was calm. //I know what he's going through right now. Let me handle this.//
//If you let him hurt you, really hurt you while you're human, it could kill us all.//
//I know the risks. I know exactly what I'm doing. Trust me.//
//Always. But don't keep me out for too long. This isn't just about you, it's about me, too.//
//I know. But right now, we both need you to leave for a little while,// Angel persisted.
Doyle just looked at her, with an bleakness in his gaze that frightened her.
She didn't know how to make that go away. She would have to leave that to Angel, this time.
Cordelia sighed. //Come back to me, both of you and soon.// The need and longing in Cordelia's thoughts was even more fierce than usual as she stood before them in her demon form. She turned toward Doyle, her heart breaking at the icy emptiness on his pale, drawn face as he stood behind Angel.
//You are mine,// she sent. //I won't lose you, not now, not ever. I won't.//
//We will come back to you,// Angel promised and gently shielded his thoughts from Cordelia.
Reluctantly, Cordelia blocked the other two. Slowly, she walked into the adjoining room and sat down, far enough away that she could not see into the room where Doyle and Angel stood.
Even with her mind shielded, the demon senses could tell her almost as much as the bond. She could smell both of them and she could hear every sound that they made. She knew that she would still feel it if anything happened, that she could still run in to the other room to separate the two of them if necessary but she also knew that they needed to work this out without her.
She sat alone, feeling bereft.
After a few minutes, she noticed that her fingers were compulsively stroking the spikes on her face, instinctively seeking comfort. She leaned back in the chair and tried to focus her mind on the sensations of this body.
The more she could learn about this body, the more she could share with Doyle, sometime soon. She would learn everything that brought pleasure to the demon and she would teach him to enjoy it.
She tried very hard not to think about any other possibility.
With a growl, Doyle seized Angel from behind and held him, tightly pressed against his body. Angel did not resist the roughness of Doyle's grip but stood completely still, allowing Doyle to hold him. His thoughts and feelings were open, remaining tranquil and serene against Doyle's raging anger.
//How can you stand it? How can you not hate us for being warm and alive? When you can smell the blood pumping through us and all that you are is cold and still and dead, how can you not want to tear our throats out?//
//You get used to it after awhile,// Angel answered quietly. //But it's never easy. It's easier to think of the humans as food. Then you don't have to envy them. Then they aren't real to you.//
//Whoever created vampires had a real vicious sense of humor, then.//
//I've always thought so.//
//I want so much to hurt you,// Doyle thought with growing horror. //It's more than hunger, I want to feel my fangs in your throat. I want to feel your fear. I want to taste every last drop of blood in you, even if it costs me everything, even if I'm dust at the end, even if I drag us both down to hell, I still want it.//
//I know.//
//How do you resist? How can you be strong enough not to do it, not to take it?//
//Many years of practice.//
//Well, I don't have that self-control. I don't know if I can do it, if I can fight it...//
//What I have, you have. If I've learned anything through all these years, it's not lost. Everything in me is yours, because you're still part of me, I'm still part of you. That hasn't changed.//
Standing behind Angel, body pressed tightly to his, Doyle moved slowly, his arousal obvious through their clothing.
//Just thinkin' about hurtin' you, it turns me on now, so much I can't stand it.//
//I learned control. So can you. You can draw that from me.// Deliberately, showing Doyle his confidence and trust, Angel reached a hand back to caress the other man. With a moan, Doyle pulled away, although the intensity of his desire for that touch rocked both their bodies.
//I've never been as strong as you are. I don't know how to handle this. Cordelia should have just let me die.//
//No. You've never been willing to be strong. It was easier to be weak. But that was a choice. You always had the other option.//
//Stop it. You're making me angry and that just makes me want to hurt you more.//
//I know. Weren't you always afraid you would hurt someone with your strength? And then, it was not using your strength that caused all the damage.//
//I could do a lot of damage right now.// Doyle's mouth was drawing ever closer to Angel's throat and his grip was painfully tight, yet Angel continued to stand still, calm and unafraid. Doyle could sense it but he couldn't understand it. Why wasn't Angel terrified? He should have been. His pulse should have been racing with terror, his heart should have been pounding with the last wild beats of a trapped animal facing its killer and yet, it wasn't happening.
The human who was still Angel was relaxing back into his arms, with perfect love and perfect trust and no fear at all.
//Your strength isn't tied to the form of your powers. What do you think makes you who you are, makes you the one man that both Cordelia and I could love? What do you think made you give up your life for us? Your strength has always been there, even when you ran away from it.//
//Why aren't you afraid?//
//I know you. You are strong, even though you haven't wanted to be. You are the finest person I've ever known and I've known many. And I know you beyond any changes, beyond any magic. I know who you are.//
//I don't. I don't know any more who I am.//
//Let me show you.// The love in Angel's thoughts was infinitely patient. //Look within me and understand why I will never be afraid of you.//
Doyle laughed painfully, without humor. //Sounds like an invitation. Guess I need one now.//
//I invite you into my mind, into my body, now and always,// Angel responded gently. //What do you think you'll see if you look at my soul?//
//A light that burns me.//
//No. What you can't see in the mirror, you can see in me. I'll be your mirror, Doyle, as you were mine, because you are still my soul.//
Doyle's thoughts were silent for a long moment. //If I still have a soul to share.//
//We are one soul now. We have been for a long time. Come in and see.//
Doyle wanted to resist but the vulnerability that Angel was showing him now was far too seductive. In his darkest dreams, Doyle had seldom allowed himself to think about the feast that was set before him now, offered to him for the taking. Closing his eyes, he focused all his attention on Angel – and was amazed at what he found.
No limits. No reservations. Angel opened himself completely to Doyle, giving his total confidence and showing him such a fierce intensity of love that Doyle could not help but cry out under the power of this joy.
There was no need to conquer. He had already won.
In the other room, Cordelia jumped to her feet at Doyle's cry.
//You all right?// she sent urgently, as she came through the door.
//It's okay, Cordy,// Angel reassured her.
It didn't look "okay" to her at all. The way that Doyle was holding Angel had to hurt but she could also smell and sense the intensity of the desire building in both of them. She wanted desperately to join them but she had to trust that Angel knew what he was doing.
She shuddered, with a combination of excitement and dread, seeing Doyle so near to Angel's human throat but she left the room after seeing the look in Angel's eyes.
//It's a hell of a lot more than 'okay,'// moaned Doyle.
//Just let me love you,// Angel sent. //Let me love you. Now and forever.//
Shaking so badly that he could barely stand, Doyle surrendered, allowing Angel's hands to claim him, allowing the heat of Angel's body to begin to melt the ice within him.
His mind was spinning and it would be a long way down.
It seemed like forever to Cordelia before Angel finally sent to her that she could join them. The room was heady with the smell of sex and tears and Doyle was still holding on to Angel as though he would never let go.
And the night had just begun.
Before this, they had touched and tasted each other in every place and every combination that they could imagine but at the end when they slept in each other's arms, it was almost always in their favorite position: Doyle curled between Cordelia and Angel, with his face pillowed upon Cordelia's warm and welcoming body and surrounded by Angel's strong embrace. He had returned that way and he felt safest that way, held securely by the magic that kept him alive.
Tonight was different.
Doyle couldn't have enough of the feeling of Angel's human form, the warmth of his skin, the awareness of the blood moving beneath it. Cordelia was licking Doyle's neck, then tracing a line down his back with her tongue, her fingers teasing their way up his legs but she might as well not have been there, as Doyle focused all his attention on Angel.
//Not havin' to breathe, this can be a good thing sometimes, yeah?//
//Not again, Doyle. I couldn't.//
//I'm not so sure about that.//
Ignoring Cordelia was not a good idea. She stretched herself against Doyle's back, the spines on her face rubbing against him and leaving tiny scratches across his shoulder blades, as she sent impatiently: //Give him a rest, already. You've worn him out.//
//I think he can speak for himself, Cordelia.// Doyle was experimenting with using his fangs, very lightly, on Angel's belly, testing just how far he could go without breaking the skin. He tilted his head slightly, his eyes half-closed, as the very tips of his fangs traced a line down from Angel's navel.
Over Doyle's head, Angel met Cordelia's eyes and they didn't even need the link to understand each other. Doyle seemed obsessed. It had been hours and he couldn't bring himself to stop touching, tasting and possessing every part of Angel's warm flesh. It was becoming more than either Angel or Cordelia could take but they both could feel how emotionally raw Doyle was right now.
Inside a dangerous body, he was more fragile than he had ever been.
Finally, Angel gently allowed Doyle to feel some of the exhaustion in his own, now-human body.
//Cordelia's right. I'm tired and she's feeling neglected, love. Don't shut her out.//
//It's the demon in me,// Cordelia sent bluntly. //What's in me now, it still scares you, doesn't it?// she thought at Doyle, sending him a challenge along with her desire.
Lifting his head and half-turning to look at her demon face, Doyle found himself sliding instinctively into game-face, baring his fangs. //Scared, am I?//
//Prove to me you're not. I'm strong enough to take it.//
He sent her back a flare of lust, not love, just simple, brutal lust. //You think?//
//Try me.//
With a growl, he rolled over and pulled her underneath him and Angel moved aside. He winced in sympathy as Doyle pinned Cordelia's body under his, shoving her down on the bed without tenderness, without consideration, with only the desperate urgency of his body's demands. For a moment, allowing himself to feel his own soreness, which he had been blocking from himself as well as Doyle, Angel half-expected Cordelia to push Doyle away in indignation.
Instead, Cordelia threw back her head and let out a loud growl of joy. "Yes!"
//So you think you can take it?// Doyle taunted, still in full vampire face.
//I know it!// Cordelia exulted, with absolute certainty, one hand reaching out to trace the ridges on his face as the other gripped him by the buttocks, pulling him even closer.
They rolled together, farther away from Angel, Cordelia's hand now twisting in Doyle's hair as yellow eyes stared down at red, fangs hovering above spikes.
//Think you're strong enough, little demon?//
//Yes!//
Angel struggled to restrain himself from intervening between them. He knew that Doyle needed this time with Cordelia, as much as he had needed time alone with Angel but it was extremely difficult to watch.
Doyle had always been so tender, almost worshipful, with Cordelia. Now he was exactly the opposite. His movements were rough, almost contemptuous, and even the thoughts that he projected were harsh.
//You think you're strong. You think you're stronger than I am, don't you?//
//Let's find out.//
//Couldn't let it go, could ya?//
//Never.//
//What do you think you are?//
She laughed up at him. //Yours. What else do you need to know?//
//I know what you want.//
//Then give it to me.//
//You like this, then?// With bared fangs, he nipped and then sucked on the spines on Cordelia's face. Softened though they were by her state of arousal, the tips of the spines remained sharp but he teased at them mercilessly with lips and tongue, heedless of the scratches they left on the ridged face he now wore. Cordelia shuddered with pleasure.
//Oh, yes. Don't stop.//
He inhaled deeply, drinking in the scent of her body as though it were the richest blood, as he had sensed Angel cherishing his own scent when they were in their natural forms. Deep in the back of his throat, a growl formed without his volition, feeling a different kind of hunger increasing inside him as he licked the length of each spine from the base, up the softened arc, all the way to each sharp tip.
When the tips of her spines drew drops of blood from his lips, Doyle began licking the blood off the spines, scraping his tongue. Cordelia, arching upward in pleasure, met his tongue with her own and shared the taste of his blood.
//You like that, little demon?//
//Yes.//
//Got yourself a taste for blood now, do ya? You want this?//
//You know it.//
Her mouth and the slight scratching from her spines, was against his throat now, trailing heat across his neck, to his shoulder. He felt the friction of the spine-tips moving toward his chest, gasping as her tongue traced a path across his collarbone and down.
//You want me?//
//Want you. Want you now.//
The demands of her body and the intoxicating scent of her made him dizzy but something in him needed desperately to show her that he was still in control. He wasn't sure whether it was the vampire or the man and right now, he didn't care.
//And what else are you?// He pulled back again, out of her reach and she snarled at him. With one hand entangled in her hair, he leered down at her with his yellow eyes.
//I'm yours, dammit.//
//Tell me what else you are.// Doyle withdrew from Cordelia, teasing her and she growled, thrusting herself up to meet him again.
//I'm a demon, damn you. So what?// She tried to wrap her legs around him and pull him down to her. She was almost as strong as he was and he had to fight to keep from sliding back inside her.
His body was fighting on the other side of that battle. He struggled to hold himself outside her body for one more moment, as she surged upward.
//What else are you?// he repeated.
//I'm your demon. I'm your demon. Any more questions?//
//No.//
//Then shut up and...//
//Yeah.//
Doyle stopped resisting and slammed into her with punishing force. She cried out but Angel could feel that it was a cry of pleasure, not pain and he held himself back, forcing himself simply to watch them.
Angel could see through Doyle's eyes that in looking down at the demon face he had always despised, Doyle was no longer seeing Cordelia at all but himself. It was the demon that he so hated within himself that lay beneath him, that his body hammered with strokes that would have hurt a human.
Doyle was no longer struggling to restrain himself, as he had done with Angel. He was battering Cordelia's body in its demon form with all the raging frustration that had built up inside him, for longer than even his lovers had ever known.
Doyle closed his eyes, his face twisted and with a strike too sudden to be stopped, he sank his fangs into Cordelia's shoulder.
"Aaarrghhh!"
Cordelia and Doyle cried out in unison. As Cordelia's pain hit Angel and he saw the bitter-smelling blood begin to flow from her punctured skin, Angel started to move toward the two of them, as if to separate them and then stopped himself.
Trusting them right now might be a very bad idea but he had no other choice. Cordelia's eyes opened for a moment, dark with both pain and desire and she sent him a brief, wordless flash that he understood clearly, before she closed them again.
Angel let his hands drop to his sides, watching helplessly, as the blood trickled down Cordelia's shoulder and Doyle's mouth moved toward it and then flinched away from the demon-bitterness of it. He could feel Doyle losing control, as he could feel Cordelia bleed but he knew that the worst thing he could do now would be to interfere between the two of them.
It was one thing for him to risk his own life but Cordelia's... but it was her risk to take, too, and she was taking it for the same reason.
He shielded his mind from Doyle, knowing that if Doyle felt any mistrust from him now, it might destroy him.
//Mine.//
Cordelia began to moan incoherently and only the bond still open between them allowed Angel to understand that some of the noises she was making were words, as her hands dug into Doyle's back and they writhed as one.
//Mine... yours.... love you... yours.//
//Mine,// Doyle's thoughts echoed hers, as the last shreds of his control slipped away.
Doyle let the pleasure take him, spiraling up to a dizzying intensity that seemed to burn a path through his body. He found that he no longer knew where he stopped and Cordelia began. He couldn't tell which sensations, on the edge between pleasure and pain, came from which one of them.
He heard a sound and could hardly recognize it as his own voice. He didn't know any more which body was his and which one was hers and he no longer cared. There was only the blood-red haze of the heat between them, binding them together, like a brand passing through them both. It was blazing through them and they were both dissolving into it.
//Mine.//
He didn't know whose thought it was. It didn't matter any more. Thinking about it hurt too much and he let go of that, too.
//Mine.//
And it was as though he was burning from the inside out, in the power of that flame. He was losing himself and he didn't give a damn if he ever found himself again. He was melting down, disappearing into the fire.
//Mine.//
The ice that felt like a glacier was splintering into jagged shards, tearing loose and pouring forth like blood, like fresh blood overflowing, running free.
//Mine!//
He heard his own voice rise from a moan to a scream, with a release that went beyond his body, as everything that was frozen inside him seemed to break apart into a thousand pieces and explode.
//Mine!//
And somewhere on the other side of the fire his scream shattered into sobs and he was in her arms and then he was in Angel's arms, too, and the two of them were holding him so tightly between them as he cried that he knew, at last he knew, that they would never let him go.
