Chapter 9
Author: Ellen
Rating: NC-17 (overall)
Spoilers: Somnambulist
Summary: In order for the three to survive a new challenge, Doyle must learn to accept his inner demon.
Disclaimer: Angel, Doyle, Cordelia and all other characters from the Angel television series belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and/or 20th Century Fox and other entities who aren't us. We only wish that we owned them and could keep them safe and happy and loved.
Thoughts between Angel, Doyle and Cordelia are marked //like this.//
When Doyle awakened sometime later, it was not yet morning. He could sense that sunrise was less than an hour away and some deep instinct within him demanded that he awaken, just to make sure that he was in safe cover.
He could still taste the residue of his own tears.
For the moment, he was alone inside his head. Angel and Cordelia must still be sleeping. He could feel their nearness, even in sleep. His eyes opened, hungry to renew the sight of their dear faces in this quiet hour before the dawn.
Their faces... Cordelia's face. He stared at her, first in surprise, then with an overwhelming tenderness.
In her exhausted sleep, Cordelia had reverted to human form.
Moving slowly, trying not to disturb her, Doyle bent toward her, inhaling deeply. He could still smell the demon in her but the human was now dominant. Her face, relaxed in slumber, was as beautiful as ever.
To him, it was more beautiful than he'd ever seen it.
Well, that was one question answered. It might take time and practice but Cordelia's human appearance wasn't lost forever. Harry's question still echoed in his mind: "Even if the alternative is that Cordelia can never become human again?"
His decision had just become that much more difficult.
As he hovered close over Cordelia, he saw the half-healed mark on her shoulder. She had remained in demon form long enough for the punctures to close but the healing must have slowed when she fell asleep and reverted to human form. Doyle was overcome by a combination of emotions so tangled that he could barely identify them all. Gratitude and shame, embarrassment and joy were all jumbled together within him as he looked at the evidence of what he had done.
He sensed Angel's mind stirring to wakefulness and quickly sent him a thought. //Shhh. Don't wake Cordelia now, but just look at her.//
Angel opened his eyes slowly. As he looked at Cordelia, blinking a few times to bring his sleepy gaze to focus on what he saw, a smile gradually spread across his face.
//Now that's a sight well worth waking me up to see.//
Doyle watched as Angel's smile broadened into a wide, delighted grin that made Doyle feel like warming his hands at the glow... Or maybe, warming his lips against it.
Yes, that was a plan.
//Can I give you somethin' else worth wakin' up for, then?//
//Mmmm. No argument from me on that one. Of course,// Angel sent teasingly. //Now that I'm human, I guess I must have that morning breath you always used to inflict on me.//
Silently, still trying not to wake Cordelia, Doyle laughed back at him. //Oh and are you complainin' about it now?//
//Not as long as you're not.//
Doyle settled that issue without much trouble. //Hmmm, you still taste good to me,// he thought judiciously as he sampled Angel's mouth. //Though I'd agree that a bit o'mouthwash first thing in the mornin' wouldn't hurt.//
//Hey! Don't think I'm going to forget that when we're back the way we should be.//
//I don't expect you to forget a thing,// Doyle responded and if Angel noticed that there was a bit of evasion in the response, he was enjoying the kiss too much to debate the issue.
They both felt Cordelia beginning to awaken, as their nascent desire spilled into the bond they shared and both quieted their movements and their thoughts as much as possible. For a long moment they stayed very still, keeping their minds peaceful and simply watching her as she settled back into sleep.
//I'm amazed she's stirrin' at all this early,// Doyle sent on as narrow a link to Angel as he could. //She ought to sleep for a few hours more.//
//She has more stamina than I do right now,// Angel thought back ruefully and when Doyle sent him a quick flash of apology, he shook his head slightly in return.
//It's all right. I've been there, I know how it feels from your side. I can cope, just give me a little more recovery time, okay?//
//I think I can handle that.// They both knew that this was as much of an apology as either one of them needed.
Looking at Cordelia's shoulder, Doyle's anxiety seeped into his thoughts. //D'ya think she can forgive me for that?//
//She forgave you the moment you did it.//
Doyle nodded slowly. //Somehow it's getting easier to accept that now. What you two do for me...//
//What we do, we do by our own free choice, because you're worth it.//
Still trying to be quiet and let Cordelia sleep, Doyle placed his fingertips lightly upon Angel's lips to trace the line of his smile, which only widened when he picked up the thought.
//I don't think any man or vampire in history was ever loved by anyone the way you two love me. Are there no limits to what you can forgive?//
//You have something in particular in mind?// The smile under Doyle's fingers faded slightly as Angel caught the faint affirmative reaction to the question. //You do, don't you?//
//Yeah.//
//So, tell me.//
Doyle's eyes were troubled, although his fingers were still caressing Angel's face, savoring the warmth.
//Maybe you can tell me. We both know the demon I've got now is a killer and my old one was, well, mostly harmless. So, why should I be wantin' to keep this one instead of the other? Why do I feel better about this one? It doesn't make any sense t'me.//
//It's an effect of being a vampire, that's all. It's not really about you, believe it or not, it just comes with the territory. Every vampire feels that theirs is the very best possible state of being. If they didn't, they'd stake themselves as soon as they figured out how. Every creature has a sense of self-preservation, vampires more than most. What you feel now, about the way you are, comes from the vampire.//
//While what I felt before, about the way I was then, came from me.//
//Yes.//
//This isn't real, then. That was real.//
//Well, magic is pretty real, as we both know. So I wouldn't say that it's not real. But, yes, this feeling comes from vampirism, the other feeling came from you.//
//So we're not really talkin' about dealin' with my old problem, here. I would just be sloughin' off the problem onto 'Delia and letting fang-face inside here,// and he gestured toward himself. //Convince me that everything is wonderful.//
//That's about the size of it.//
//What if I can't be willing enough to take my demon back? What if I can't do it and that means we all stay the way we are?//
//I don't think I'm the one you really need to ask,// Angel responded. //You told me once that you weren't combat-ready. If I stay human, are you ready to become a warrior?//
//I don't know,// Doyle admitted. //This body is ready enough to fight but I don't know about the man inside it.// He paused thoughtfully, caressing Angel's face again. //I'd still rather stay here with the two of ya, not botherin' much with clothes and get fresh blood delivered every mornin' to my door.//
Angel smiled. //You're a lover, not a fighter, Doyle.//
//You don't think I could handle it, eh?// Although he tried to suppress it, a flash of anger came through in Doyle's thought.
//You don't want it. That's different from not being able to do it. Is the whole souled-vampire warrior lifestyle really the way that you want to spend, say, the next hundred years or so? If that's the choice you make, then that's the price you'll have to pay. I'm afraid that staying in with the two of us every day and every night just isn't going to stay on the menu very long. Sooner or later, there's going to be something that needs doing and very likely something that needs killing. I believe you have the ability to do just about anything you want to do but can you really want the kind of life I had?//
//I never envied you the battles, man,// Doyle conceded. //Even when I tried to help you out, you know...//
//You always wanted to be somewhere else. Believe me, I knew how much it cost you every time you fought beside me, when you hated every minute of it. I knew.//
//Did you? Even then, did you know how much I couldn't stand the thought of you bein' hurt?//
//I knew. I didn't have to read your mind to see it.//
//And now...//
Angel's eyes met his unflinchingly. //Now I'm human again. Yes and vulnerable, too. I can draw on the demon and the vampire, so I'm not quite as helpless as I might have been without the bond and I'm pretty confident that I can manage well enough, but how do you feel about...?//
//Knowing that the first time someone comes after you, tryin' to take you down, when Delia and I aren't there...// Doyle couldn't even finish the thought, as the fear swelled in his throat.
//Yeah, it could happen. For myself I'd take the chance. I've lived long enough to have no regrets. But it's not just me now, it's the three of us.//
Doyle pressed his lips against Angel's temple, where he could feel the unaccustomed rhythm of a pulse. //If we lost you, I don't know if we could go on. Oh, hell, man, that's why I died in the first place.//
//I know. I haven't forgotten.//
//It's such a strange thing, love.// Doyle toyed with a curl of Angel's dark hair, enjoying the momentary frown that this bit of teasing always provoked. //It crossed my mind – just 'Delia and me, the two of us both grievin' for you, it would have drawn us together – and yet, I couldn't let you do it. I couldn't stand it. A world without you, well... I just couldn't let you go.//
Quietly, Angel sent back, //Do you understand that we both feel the same about you?//
//I ought to understand it. You've proven it to me often enough.//
//But that's still not the same as feeling it.//
//No. It's not the same. But I feel it more now, I've got it more inside o'me, since yesterday, than I ever did before.//
//Whatever you decide,// Angel thought. //In the long run, you know Cordelia and I will both support you. Oh, she'll kick up an enormous fuss if she ends up stuck with your demon and we'll never hear the end of it as long as we all live, but as long as she can learn to suppress it most of the time, she'll deal with it. I suspect she'll actually enjoy it, as long as she can turn it on and off when she wants, but she'll make a point of never letting you know that. How you'll deal with her constant complaining about it, I'm not sure.//
//Yah, controllin' my temper in this form is a challenge, that's for sure.// Doyle turned slightly to look at Cordelia, who was still sleeping. //And if there's anyone who is sure to test it, every day, it would be our 'Delia.//
//So, let me ask you the same question that you asked me, when I turned human the last time.//
//Which I still don't remember, by the way, for all that you've told me about it.//
As he had done before, Angel opened the memory to Doyle, beginning with the look of realization that he had seen on Doyle's face at the moment that Angel walked back into the office, through the front door.
//After we went to the oracles, you told me that I could do what I wanted. The question was, what did I want? Now, I'm turning the question back to you.//
//I suppose turnabout is still fair play,// Doyle stalled in answer. //Even though I'm only rememberin' it through you and not on my own.//
//It was a good question then and it's a good question now. Do you want to be the warrior, Doyle? If you do and if you're willing to put up with my human limitations and to fight against the part of you that still wants to be a vampire like every other vampire and to deal with a lifetime of Cordelia's griping about being your demon as well as your seer, then go for it. As soon as Cordelia wakes up and we go over the options together, if that is what you really want, we'll call Wesley and Harry and tell them not to bother with redoing the spell. We'll stay the way we are.//
//You do have a way of making it sound less than attractive,// Doyle sent with a wry grimace.
//That was the idea.//
//Well, I'd thought a few times, ever since Harry was pushing me about it, about whether there would ever be any way I could get comfortable with the whole demon thing. I've gotta admit that shaggin' my demon senseless wasn't among the ways I ever thought about to do it.//
Angel laughed without sound. //Did it work?//
//Don't know yet.//
//Fair enough but...//
//I know. I need to decide soon, before there's no choice left and we're all stuck solid like we are now.//
//I think you've already decided, Doyle. You just haven't admitted it to yourself yet.//
Doyle felt anger flare within him again but resolutely pushed it aside. //You're probably right,// he admitted reluctantly. //I suppose I'm just...//
//Scared?// Angel asked gently. //No shame in admitting it, love.//
//Maybe there shouldn't be any shame in it but...//
//It's hard.//
//Yeah.//
//It's about being who you are.//
//Yeah.//
Angel could feel Doyle's mood darkening and he reached up with both hands to touch Doyle's face. //We love you anyway, you know that. No matter what. But it's not really about us, it's about you.//
//If there wasn't an us,// Doyle sent back fiercely. //Then there would be no me.//
//But that's just as true the other way around,// Angel thought in answer.
//What if I chicken out in the middle of the spell? We might end up worse off than we are now.//
//We might,// Angel agreed. //So we don't do it unless and until you're ready.//
//I just don't know, man. If you asked me what the toughest thing in the whole world would be, I think it would be taking back that demon.//
//Harder than dying? Twice?//
//Yeah.//
//All we can do is be here for you, love. It has to come from you.//
//I know.//
With a sigh, Doyle stretched out against Angel, not meeting his eyes, just resting his head against Angel's shoulder. Angel put his arms around him, just holding him in silence for a long moment.
Finally Doyle turned his face back to Angel's, his eyes luminous. //Thank you. Again.//
//Thank you, again,// Angel echoed, lips moving gently to meet Doyle's pale, strained face, still holding him close. //Remember how it feels to accept how much we love you. Remember what it feels like to know it, all the way.//
//I'll try.// Doyle turned his face away again, struggling to compose himself. //Don't want to wake Cordelia.//
He felt a warm hand on his shoulder then and it took him a moment to realize that it wasn't Angel's.
He turned, still fighting back tears, to see Cordelia smiling at him, still in her human face. At the sight of her, the tears spilled over and her arms went around him, too.
She whispered aloud, echoing his words to her: "I claim you, every part of you."
"Even...."
"Even the demony parts. Hey, I'll share."
He laughed through his tears and she kissed him.
As they both held him, he closed his eyes and sent: //May the Powers be kind enough to let me remember every part of how this feels.//
//Amen to that.//
Still kissing him, Cordelia thought gently, //So, maybe I don't have to learn how to accessorize facial spikes? Finding colors to complement blue-green skin was going to be a major fashion challenge.//
Doyle thought, //I'll do it, darlin'. I'll take it back. But give me a couple more hours, all right? Just a few more hours.//
//Hey, no problem. I'm cool, see? Got it all under control.//
And then, she sneezed.
