May 20, 2000

Dear J,

Well, I have to face it; I am stuck with a shit head for a friend. He is such a dick sometimes. I have to stop pacing for a while so I can write this, and you know I do my best thinking while pacing. What is going on, you ask? Well, I think that Jim needs a good swift kick in the ass to get him thinking right. Something is up. He has been acting all strange. Like this is a news flash. Well, more strange than usual.

When we get home from work, he showers, eats and says he is exhausted. I work with the guy all day long, I know if he is exhausted or not. I need to know what is going on. I need to go out with Megan tomorrow to question some witnesses, so I will talk with her for a while and see if she has noticed anything. She has become such a good friend. You know what, I am going to finish this tomorrow after I talk to her. I won't even write anymore tonight at all. Keep it simple and cut to the chase tomorrow.

May 21, 2000

If someone had told me that the moon was made of green cheese I would have believed it over what Megan is telling me. She happened across Jim about 2 weeks ago and he said he couldn't find me, and up came Benson, and he said, he was at lunch with Patterson and me. (What is up with the son names, Ellison, Benson, and Patterson?) And that I should be here in a second.

Megan said she watched Jim's eyes go cold and hard as soon as Benson opened his mouth. And then she saw something else, he was cutting loose, so he wouldn't be so hurt. She saw how jealous he was. She wondered if he had heard them say something or what. Man, I can't believe this. She figured we would work it out, or she would have come to me earlier. Now she is feeling all guilty and I told her the only thing you are guilty of is knowing that Jim is getting his ass kicked and you aren't going to do a thing to help him. It was the first time I saw her smile in this conversation. I told her not to worry.

Okay, big guy, I am tired of this routine. You get upset and you clam up. You get jealous and you clam up. You get angry about something or someone and you clam up. I see a pattern here. And I don't like it one bit. So, tonight when you walk through that door, you won't be getting your shower and your meal and then going to bed. No sir, you will be doing things the Sandburg way. I am in full command now. I have a couple of hours to get things set up. You are "so" going to get it, big man.

Jim walked through the front door and quietly put his keys in the usual spot and hung his jacket up. As he was taking his shoes off I came out of the office. He said, "Hi Chief." I said nothing and he just looked at me. He could see the anger and sort of backed up. I just kept coming until I was right up against him. I shoved him so hard, he just flew into the wall by the front door.

I yelled, "You fucking asshole, who gave you the right to think you know who I want and who I am better off being with? " He continued to just stand there with his mouth hanging open. I started poking him in the chest, (I gotta tell you, J, I liked that just a little bit, but we will discuss that later on.) and I kept yelling at the top of my lungs. I knew it was hurting his ears, but didn't care. I am telling him, "Nope, didn't care. Not me, not Mister, I want to screw someone else at work while my "boyfriend" is right there."

"Hell, I will just invite those two guys on over and he can watch, how does that sound, Jim?" Huh? He still has his mouth open. I push it shut and tell him, He is going to kick his ass and I mean it. He still doesn't say anything. Well, we need a different approach, this is working for me, I am hot, let me tell you, but he looks like he is close to tears, so its not working like I thought it would. Damn it anyhow. Softly, I say, "Jim, do you know how much I love you?" And he shakes his head yes, but almost like he doesn't really believe me. So, again I go to the shoving part and decide to take matters into my own hands. Okay, big guy, this is it.

I ripped his shirt right off, hell he don't need no stinkin' buttons. Then I slap his hands as he tries to stop me and I undo his belt and then start taking off his jeans, man, he is looking so scared, and I am soooooo hot. :) Tell me what isn't sick about this situation? Then I tell him to get his ass upstairs and I will be there in a second. I need some time to calm down or I will cum just looking at his great ass. Now here is the funny part, J, he went up there. He didn't say or do anything; just hung his head and went on up the stairs. Now call me stupid, but this isn't exactly what I had in mind when this came about. I wanted to be in charge, but I don't want him to be entirely submissive.

I head up the stairs not quite knowing what is going on and I get there and I see the tears in his eyes. I knew right then that he thought we were through. And man that pissed me off. Geez, I thought I was supposed to be the one with the issues about worth. He just took the award away from me. :( I climb onto the bed and start to run my hands over his body and he starts moaning and I start telling him how much he means to me and how badly I want him. Then I ask him something totally uncalled for. I said, "Jim, have you been with anyone since we have been together?"

He just hung his head and said, no. But for some reason I didn't believe him. I said, "Okay, fuck this shit, what is going on, Jim, tell me right now." He turned to me and said, I heard Benson tell Patterson that he had slept with you two weeks ago and that you needed time to decide if you were going to stick it out with me. Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather. Holy shit, what a thing to carry around with you for two weeks.

I did the only thing I could think of, I slugged him in the face. I was so damn angry. And then I took him in my arms and started crying. I was the one crying. Wait a minute, when did this get turned around. You know, it must be tough being able to hear what everyone says in that precinct all the time. Anyhow, I am crying and he takes me into his arms and asks me if I am okay. I slugged him again. This time he moved a little bit. Think he might be getting the point here. I told him first of all, I loved him and only him. Next I would take care of Benson and Patterson in my own way. And then I needed him to tell me when things are bothering him. He is too closed up and this will kill us.

Then he starts crying. Well, you know, I wanted to kick the guy's ass and fuck his ass, but sure didn't want to make him cry. Damn, this is not going as planned. Okay, time for some cuddling big time. I am holding him, telling him how much I want him, how much I love him and how I would die without him. He is buying it finally and he is getting hard. All right, Sandburg has not lost his charms yet. I am bad, J, I know. Sex is always on my brain, what can I say, what can I do? Well, I could start by getting him ready, which I did, very slowly and then I took him so hard, he was screaming my name. He has never screamed, like that. Wow, talk about making me hot. I came as soon as he screamed. We are sure a pair to draw to.

Okay, we lay in bed and I tell him this isn't going to keep happening, it can't. Makes me too tired and I don't like being tired. Plus I love being with him too much. He smiles and agrees with me and tells me he loves me, he really does, he is just being an insecure idiot and I agree with him on that point. :) We have things worked out. Now I just have to handle things at work, and we will be fine. I guess that will be in my next chapter. They are becoming chapters, aren't they, J? Thanks for listening, hope you like the poem. He inspired me.

To Wake With Love

I wake up with him and smile.
He is tenderness all around.
He is mine.
He will always be mine.
No one else can have him.


(Okay, I see the same damn pattern here.)

Okay, here we go, trying it again.

To Sleep With Him

I love to sleep with my boyfriend Jim.
I love to cuddle, and be close to him.
I want him all the time, all the day.
I want him now, what does he say?


Now he is sleeping, now we are done.
We've been loving each other till we are one.
I love this man, love sleeping with him too.
Anyone that looks at us knows it to be true.

BS