All I Want For Christmas

Great, how the hell do I get myself into this kind of shit? First Dad gets a temporary transfer to the San Antonio ATF in Texas and like that’s not bad enough, since it’s December and a week before Christmas, he has to drag the whole family along with him.

I’m sixteen and I want to be back home. All my friends and my girlfriend are back in Indiana. But noooo! I’m stuck here and my Father is punishing me. He says I don’t know how good I have it, that I don’t know how lucky I am to have a family that loves me or what Christmas is all about. So here I sit, me, Christopher Larabee, playing Santa at an ATF party for orphans. This is supposed to show me the meaning of family and Christmas? We’ll see.

All right, this is it! No one told me I needed body armor to protect myself. I’ve been thrown up on, pissed on, I’ve been kicked in the balls, had my beard pulled off so many times I’ve lost fucking count and the little brats are still coming up and demanding all kinds of shit they want for Christmas. The big joke is they all say they’ve been good. Tell that to my bruises kiddies! I want to dump them on their asses and tell them all they are getting is coal. Well I’d really like to tell them they were getting a pile of shit, but my Father would tan my hide if I told a six year old that.

Sigh! Finally! Only one more kid left and I can take a break. I just can’t wait to hear what this one wants. Oh, wonderful this one is going to play shy. He’s just standing there shifting from one foot to another. If he pisses on me I’m going to kill someone, I swear I will.

Well damn if he isn’t kind of cute. Skinny as a rail, brown hair almost to his shoulders and the bluest, most soulful eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. They remind me of those sad-eyed dog paintings. I wonder why no one has snapped this little guy up and given him a home.

He still looks uncertain like he wants to see me... I mean Santa, but he’s scared. Why would a little kid be scared of Santa? I open my arms and the next thing I know he’s right there. I can’t help but smile at the little guy. I start Ho, Ho, Hoeing and he says nothing at all, just crawls up in my lap and gazes up at me like I hold all the answers in the universe.

“What’s your name, little fella?” I ask.

He stutters for a moment, then those blue eyes lock with mine and he answers, his soft Texas drawl filled with pride, “Vin, sir, Vin Tanner.” I can’t help but chuckle at the expression on his face, his jaw is lifted, his eyes so serous for someone so young.

“Well, Vin, have you been a good boy this year?” I ask. He swallows hard and those blue eyes start to tear up. Shit! What do I do now? Please don’t cry kid, please don’t. Awww! His lower lip started to quiver; he’s going to cry on me. But he doesn’t, he took a deep breath, almost like he was drawing strength from within, and got himself under control. Hell, this kid can’t be more than five or six years old at the most. I’m grateful he’s not crying, but what kind of kid has that much control of himself at that age?

He takes another deep breath, then he answers, “I try to be good Santa, my Mommy told me to be, before she went away. I try ta learn all the stuff they tell me ta in school, but I’s too dumb. I can’t read yet and I always mess up my homework and have ta get punished. I don’t mean ta. It’s just hard and the letters don’t make sense a lot of the time.”

I feel like I’m going to explode I’m so mad. His mother went away? She left him? What a bitch, how could anyone leave a little kid like this? And they punish him just because he messes up his homework? What the fuck kind of place is this orphanage? I don’t even know this kid but suddenly I want to protect him.

The best I can do is try to reassure him. My voice seems gruff for some reason when I answer him, “You look pretty smart to me little Pard, even Santa....er....me... I had trouble in school when I was little.” Oops, almost goofed there but he didn’t seem to notice. I took a quick look around the room. All the other kids were gathering their stuff to leave, but I thought we had a few more minutes. “Well Vin can you tell me what you would like for Christmas?” I asked him.

His reply had me fighting not to cry. “Santa, can you please send someone to love me? My mama’s gone, they told me she died and can’t come back ever. They keep sending me to people’s homes, but they don’t want me, I’s too dumb and too much trouble to keep they say. I just want someone who will love me like my mama did. Can you please send someone?”

Oh, god I can’t promise him that even as much as I want to. Hell, I want to pick him up and take him home with me. His mother is dead! I knew, I just knew no one would leave this little guy willingly. How could anyone not want him? I’m furious at the people who treated him so badly.

Vin’s eyes are so hopeful as he pleads with me, with Santa. My heart breaks when I hear, “Santa, can you please? I know I’s asking a lot. Most peoples ain’t goin’ ta want a dummy like me, but please can you find someone ta love me? I don’t want nothing else fer Christmas.”

I’m so choked up I can’t say a word. All I can do is hold him close. Then it hits me, I know just what to say and I pray with every bit of my soul it comes true for this precious little boy.

“I’ll tell you what Vin, I honestly don’t know if I can send someone right away, but someday when you least expect it, someone will love you more than life itself, I swear it. You going to have to believe in me though and until the day you meet that special person, I want you to remember Santa loves you and he’ll be watching out for you and looking for just the right person for you. Someone who will love you forever.”

Suddenly one of the people with the orphanage called Vin saying it was time to go. He leaned over to me and kissed my cheek, then he gave me a huge grin and got down from my lap heading for the door and the rest of the group. Just before he walked out the door Vin turned back to me and spoke. I had to read his lips, it was just too noisy to hear him, “I’ll be waiting Santa I believe in you.” Then he was gone.

I learned my lesson, Dad. All it took was a small Texan who wanted to be loved more than he wanted anything else in the world. From this day onward I might not be the perfect son, but I’ll always love and appreciate my family. I’ll always remember you Vin Tanner.

TWENTY YEARS LATER:

In March I hired a new man as our team sharpshooter, his name was somehow familiar I just couldn’t place it at the time. Yet the first time I saw him I knew there was something special about him. That, somehow, this young Texan stranger, filled with fire and courage, called to me. Within hours of knowing him he became a friend, within two weeks, he was my best friend.

Six month later he became my lover. How I held out that long is a miracle. I was scared I admit it, I was afraid to ruin our friendship, afraid he didn’t feel the same way about me. Then I almost lost him forever, the how doesn’t matter. Suddenly it was important to find out how he felt, to tell him how I felt, that I wanted him with me as both my best friend and lover, as my partner in all things. He beat me to it, we laughed till we cried and we became a couple. No, that’s wrong, it’s too much of an understatement. Vin and I are two halves that complete each other; I swear our hearts even beat in time together. Yeah, sappy I know but it’s a fact.

Life was as sweet as it can get for us and the countdown to our first Christmas together had started. Vin and I had decided to go gift shopping together for the rest of the boys and the closest place was the local mall. The place was all decorated for the holiday and in the middle of the mall was a stage set up as the north pole complete with a very young Santa the kid couldn’t have been any more than sixteen. I laughed remembering my turn as Saint Nicolas and turned to tell Vin about it. He didn’t even look at me, his blue eyes were filling with unshed tears as they locked on the kid playing Santa. I barely heard him as he whispered, “I never stopped believing, thank you!”

Oh, My God Vin! My Vin? It couldn’t be... could it? My Vin was that little boy so long ago. I gently turned him to face me, my hand cupping his face as I spoke, “Santa always keeps his promises, Vin. And I love you more than life itself, I will love you forever.” He gasped in shock, his eyes widened, closed, then opened again.

Vin grabbed my arm and without a word led us to a darkened corner of the mall. Only once we were there did he speak, “How do you know that promise? I’ve never told anyone, I never told you, Chris.”

I couldn’t keep the smile from my face. Hell, I didn’t even try. I pulled him in to my arms and kissed him, then I replied, “I have a story to tell you Vin, it’s about someone who taught me one of the most significant lessons I’ve ever learned, a lesson in what’s important in life and a lesson about love. And after I tell you that story...” I stopped talking for a minute and ravaged his lean body with my eyes before continuing, “Well, then we are going to see just what Santa will give you this year.”

Vin’s expression held a look of wonder and his eyes were filled with love and light. He kissed me back and whispered, “Let’s get home Cowboy, you got a story ta tell and I can’t wait ta hear it. I’ve got all I want for Christmas, I’ve got you!”