Archive: master_apprentice, SWAL
Archive Date: March 11, 2000
Category: Point of View, Angst
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me
Feedback: yes, any comments very welcome.
Notes: I like Anakin, I can merrily put him in a cage and poke him with a
sharp stick. Although he's having a pretty miserable time here I'm
afraid it's only going to get worse.
Thanks again to Smitty for the Beta.
Pairing: O/other
Rating: PG
Series: Part of 'Good Intentions on the Road to Hell' Series which
documents my version of Anakin's fall to the Dark Side. The series
runs from before TPM to after RotJ.
Chronological order: 'Re-affirming the Bond',
'Anniversaries and Beginnings',
'Not so Unobtainable after all',
'Paving Stones',
'Building a Brave New World'(in planning), 'A Change of Heart',
'A Present from the Past' (in progress).
Spoilers: TPM
Summary: 12 years after TPM, Anakin finally thinks he's accepted
that he will never have Obi-Wan and tries to move on by marrying
Amidala. Needless to say it all goes horribly wrong.
Warnings: no happy endings
We're in the Queen's ship returning to Coruscant from Naboo after the betrothal ceremony between me and the Queen herself. I still can't believe it. Me, a former slave, now a Jedi apprentice engaged to the Queen of an entire planet! This kind of thing doesn't happen outside fairy tales. But - and there is a big but - if what has happened to me is so wonderful, why am I feeling so depressed?
It doesn't take a genius to work it out. The answer is sleeping in the other bunk in the cabin. Obi-Wan Kenobi, my Master, hero of the Clone Wars, my best man and denizen of my most fevered dreams.
Don't get me wrong, I love Amidala. Yesterday was unbelievable, but now I realise what the betrothal means. I'm never going to get him. I've apparently found someone else. It's as if I've given up and I can't face the thought of it.
I don't know how it happened but I'm now sitting on the edge of his bunk rather than the edge of mine. And to make matters worse my tumbling thoughts have disturbed the object of my musings.
"What's the matter, Anakin?" he asks mussily as he rubs his eyes. He's caught between the desire not to wake up and genuine concern for me. He looks more like a sleepy child than I ever have. I've never understood how he does it. How he manages to be both a figure of respect and at times still so cute.
I take one of his hands and kiss it. It isn't what I want but it's all I'm going to get. Oh, I have his love - well, the left over love that isn't taken up by Qui-Gon Jinn.
Well over two years ago, I shouted and screamed about how much I hated Qui-Gon. I'm still ashamed that it happened. I don't hate him, never have. I'm jealous of him, yes, but that's different. Qui-Gon, was a kind, good man whom I miss. I can't decide whether to thank the Force or to curse it, but Obi-Wan was too shocked by what I was saying about Qui-Gon to hear what I was saying about him. Even after that scene he still has no idea how I feel. He's so blind. Sometimes I want to shout at him 'how can you be so blind?'. I want to shake him until he understands and I want to do so much more to him, so, so much more that it tears me up inside.
My Master is awake now and is looking worried. I'm stronger in the Force than he is and I'm shielding my thoughts, so all he can sense is the turmoil. Concerned, he starts to pull me towards him. Given this opportunity I virtually catapult myself into his arms and wrap myself around him. He stifles a grunt of surprise, but returns the embrace, then gently kisses my forehead in an attempt to calm me.
"Anakin, Anakin," he says. "Please tell me, whatever it is I'm here to help."
This is the final straw, I can take no more and I start to sob hysterically into his neck. Never has my misery been greater. He hasn't held me like this in years and it is a sweet torture. This contact could drive me insane. I can't stay in his arms like this because I know I'm going to do something stupid if I do and I couldn't bear his rejection; but how am I going to find the strength to pull away?
"Do you still miss Qui-Gon?" I ask suddenly in a gap between my sobs. He stiffens at the question but answers.
"Yes, yes I do."
"Do you think you'll ever meet anyone like him again?" I know I'm nothing like Qui-Gon.
"Haven't so far." He pauses. "Anakin, why you are asking these things?"
I screw my bravery up to the sticking point and blurt out something I've wanted to ask him after I saw him looking at that holo of Qui-Gon. After that incident I asked a few questions in a few places and found some very unpleasant answers.
"They say that you were in love but that you were waiting until you were a Knight before, well... but that he died first," I say into his collarbone. "That you're just biding time until you meet him again." He's gone very still, I can barely feel him breathing.
"Who says this?"
"Everyone."
He sighs and lifts my head so he can look into my eyes as he speaks. I'm not crying anymore.
"Anakin, love doesn't have to end badly. Many people feel scared when they make an important commitment. It's not wrong to worry about the future, but you must live in the moment and not let fear of the future, or the past, consume you." He's gazing intently into my eyes, willing me to understand.
"You and Amidala love each other," he continues. "And that makes you vulnerable. But our greatest strengths come from understanding our vulnerabilities. You will find that the relationships with those you love will shape your life like nothing else can. It can make you stronger and happier than you thought possible."
"The fact that Amidala is a Queen will make it harder, but you are well up to the challenge," he adds reassuringly.
He thinks I've got wedding nerves! He thinks I find it daunting to marry a Queen! He never, ever notices when people take an interest in him. Even Chancellor Palpatine noticed it; he mentioned it to me once. Asked me what it was like to be with the legendary Obi-Wan Kenobi. The Unobtainable Knight. Slayer of a thousand romantic dreams. He'd asked what is it like to watch all those hopeful hearts fall by the wayside. I had laughed at that. If only Palpatine had known the truth. I used to think my Master was waiting for me to get older, maybe even until I was a Knight. I used to think he was saving himself for me. I'm sure he would if he could, but now I know that no one can have him, not anymore.
My outburst has allowed me to let go. Obi-Wan has his memory of Qui-Gon to sustain him. I have Amidala. I think I have the better deal.
"I understand," I say and smile up at him through my tears. He gently wipes them away and kisses my eyes. I can feel his love for me, for his student. Oh, Qui-Gon, how could you leave him? How could you let mere death separate you?
I can bear his embrace at last, in the manner he means it. No living thing means more to him than I do and finally that is enough for me.
"I'm sorry to have woken you," I say as I extricate myself from his arms.
"Don't be. I'm sorry I didn't wake earlier." He pauses. "Anakin, you do know you can always talk to me. Regardless of what it is."
"I know," I say as I head for my bunk. I sleep easily, looking forward to the future.
I'm the happiest man alive. Let's face it, I've got it all: looks, talent, position, and I'm married to a truly wonderful woman. We've just come back from a month-long honeymoon. The wedding was the biggest celebration this sector had seen for a century, and why not? Both Amidala and I are very special. I had a General for my best man and Supreme Chancellor Palpatine himself was the official witness. I nearly danced up the aisle. Amidala looked radiant. Even Colonel Panaka was happy. Only the best people got invitations and there was some pretty serious grovelling to get on that 'in' list.
Now we are back at the Theed Palace preparing for a reception to welcome us back and I'm looking forward to seeing Obi-Wan there. I'm due to take my Trials soon and I want to tell him everything before I do. How I had this incredible crush on him, that it made me say and do such silly things. But that now I realise that my future is with this incredible woman. I can let those silly adolescent dreams go. He'll be so proud that I've accepted the situation and managed to move on.
My beautiful wife joins me on the balcony to her chambers. I kiss her. I'm beginning to think that I'd rather like to make her late for the reception when Sabe rushes in.
"I have such good news," she says as she grabs us both by the arm and leads us back inside.
"I'm sure knocking used to be part of the entry procedure to the Queen's chambers," my wife teases her gently.
"Just you wait until you see what I have to show you. It looks like you're not the only ones who are lucky in love," Sabe says.
I look questioningly at her; she's not normally one for gossip and neither is Amidala. Sabe giggles at my expression.
"Oh, you are going to love this," she laughs and drags us along the corridor to another balcony overlooking one of the inner courtyards. She looks down obviously trying to find something and after a little while says, "There."
I look down to where she's pointing and see three Jedi. One is my Master.
"Obi-Wan is here already? Why hasn't he come to see us?" I ask.
"Well it could either be that he thinks you two want to be alone, or perhaps... he's got something else on his mind." Sabe giggles again.
I look down, still confused, to see that one of the Jedi has left. I continue to watch, wondering what all this is about when the Jedi I don't know takes my Master's hand and pulls him into an embrace. I'm about to shout 'Get your filthy hands off my Master!' when I realise that, instead of resisting, my Master is happily responding.
The world suddenly drains of colour and I feel sick, but I can't tear my eyes away from the scene below me. I had no idea I was such a masochist as every kiss I watch deepens my pain.
Behind me, Sabe babbles on.
"His name's Bruck Chun. It all started while you were on honeymoon. They were classmates, but met up again recently. It's the talk of the Jedi. I got the information from the captain of their ship. Everyone is so pleased; I mean, how long can you mourn for someone? Apparently the Jedi Council had become concerned and was worried what he might do once Anakin became a Knight. Oh, it's so good to see him happy!"
'No,' I want to scream, 'that's supposed to be me!'. I should have waited. Below, my Master has rested his head on the chest of the bigger man, they have their arms around each other, I can hear soft voices. How could he do this, flaunt this in front of me? Doesn't he know how I feel? Was he just waiting until I was off his hands? Maybe it wasn't that he was mourning Qui-Gon, maybe he just never wanted me.
That thought makes my vision go red.
I look towards Amidala, only to find she's looking at me with the same expression. Realisation hits both of us. I wasn't the only one who thought they'd got over Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Aren't you happy?" Sabe asks us.
"I don't think I can describe my feelings," Amidala replies as she looks away from me.
"I'm speechless," I add.
"Come on," Sabe laughs. "Enough of this voyeurism; you have a reception get ready for."
We let her drag us off towards our rooms. My happiness has been destroyed and I have no idea how I am going to face the future.