How could you,
how could you.
how could you,
how could you,
Oh, Jim, how could you?
Jim, Jim, HOW COULD YOU!!!

Oh, god, the floor is cold. Cold, cold, cold, cold...

I'm shaking, am I? Yes, I'm shaking. Oh, Blair, you're pathetic.

Oh, Jim, Jim, how could you?

Jim...

I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. I never mean to hurt you.

Oh, Jim, why don't you just let me explain?

Jim, Jim, I love you.

I love you, Jim, I love you.

Oh, Jim...

Jim...

How could you?

I asked you not to read it. I did. I told you not to read it. I did. Why didn't you listen to me? Why did you do it? Why?

Why?

I love you, Jim, don't you trust me?

Oh, Jim.

Jim, don't be mad at me, don't turn away from me, don't leave me, don't, don't.

Jim.

I gave you everything. Everything. I...

I was... You were...

That was the first time, you know that. I gave you everything. Everything.

You took me. Took my body. Took my soul. Took my heart.

I gave you everything. Everything. You took everything. Everything.

Everything.

Jim...

Jim...

Jim...

....

...Incline your ear, O Lord...
Incline your ear... answer me...
...answer me.
...for I am afflicted and poor.
Keep my life, for I am devoted to you,
save your servant who trusts in you.
You are my God, have pity on me, O Lord,
for to you I call all the day.
Hearken, O Lord, to my prayer,
and attend to the sound of my pleading.
In the day of my distress I call upon you...

In the day of my distress I call upon you...

O Lord...

Brother Marcus. Wonder how he's doing? He always jokes about how he likes to live vicariously through my letters. Not that I ever write him that many letters.

You knew, didn't you, Brother? From the moment I walked in with Jim. You knew I had come to show him to you. You knew I had found the one I was looking for. Not that I knew it then. But you knew.

You told me to never let go of the true path. You said only I knew what was the right path for me. But you knew that for me that was Jim, didn't you? You always knew. I never could hide anything from you. Somehow, you always knew. Sometimes before I did.

I wonder if Jim knew? Back then, we were dancing around each other, sensing, but not quite yet ready, for what lay ahead. How much did Jim know? How much did he realize?

Probably more than I did. What did I know, then? Oh, how little I knew. How little I realized.

What it means to surrender yourself to another. What it means to let somebody take over your life. How much it hurts. How much sorrow, grief, and pain await you. Oh, I didn't know anything back then. Anything.

Unresisting, I let Jim take me. Without hesitation, I let him sweep me off my feet. Defenseless, I surrendered everything to him.

If I knew what I know now, would I have done the same?

I certainly don't have it anymore, to give to anyone else.

I never believed in innocence, until I lost it.

I gave you my innocence, Jim, I gave you everything.

What more do you want from me?

A fool you are, Blair, to think that paper wouldn't change anything.

A fool, to think he would understand; a fool, to think it wouldn't come between us.

A fool, to shred up your life for somebody else.

For Jim.

Jim.

Who am I? What am I? Am I a spineless fool, a slobbering idiot, that I would tear up my life, rip up my soul, shred my heart to pieces, just to please Jim? Did I surrender my self, my freedom, my right to be my own person? Did I?

What self-respecting person would let somebody do this to them? Even somebody you love more than anything?

What am I? What have I done with myself? Where did I leave me?

What was my path?

Where did I want to go in my life?

Why am I here? How did I get here? Where was I going?

Where?

Ah, there's Gabe again. Did he lose himself, too, I wonder? Where was he going? What was he looking for? If only I could reach him somehow...

He's looking at me. There's something in his eyes...

Aw!

Incacha.

"Before I formed thee in thy mother's belly I knew thee,
and before thou camest forth out of the womb, I sanctified thee,
and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations."

Incacha. That hand, covered with his blood, on my arm...

"Do you know who you are? What is your true calling?"

My true calling. My true path. Incacha... his blood on my arm... on my arm...

"I pass the way of the Shaman to you."

The way of the Shaman. The path of the Shaman. Is that my path? Is that my calling? Is that what I am? Who I am?

Incacha. I wish we had had more time. I wish I had gotten to know you better. There are so many things I want to ask you. So many ways in which you could help me.

Incacha. Jim told you I was his spouse, his lifemate. You accepted that with such ease, such grace. Nobody else ever accepted me like that. Ever made me feel that it was right for me to be at Jim's side.

We sort of ganged up on Jim that night, didn't we? Funny thing is, Jim had to translate every bad thing we were telling each other about Jim. And Jim didn't mind. He just sat there and kept translating. Grumbling and making faces, but he never once refused to translate anything.

You told Jim to honor me, to listen to me. Because I always have Jim's best interests in my heart.

Jim's interests in my heart.

My paper. That's not in Jim's interest is it. It really shouldn't bother him, it shouldn't hurt him, but it's not for him.

Guess Jim really doesn't have an obligation to let me write the paper, then... Well, that was the original deal we had, but we scrapped that, and threw it to the winds, a long time ago.

What am I doing here anyway, why am I still pretending that I'm studying Jim? I left all objectivity behind back in Peru, if I had any at all to begin with. My god, Blair, you accepted his ring, you're married to him. Talk about going native.

I'm his Shaman.

His Shaman.

Words have a funny way of crystallizing concepts. Of giving definite shape to shapelessly floating ideas in the back of your mind.

I'm Jim's Guide. I'm his Shaman.

A Guide. Somebody who shows the way, provides direction, acts as a measure, a reference point.

A Shaman. A leader, a teacher, a counsellor, responsible for the spiritual well-being of the tribe.

I have definite roles to play in Jim's life, in our life.

Richard Burton didn't have a word for it. He didn't really have a clear idea what the Sentinel's partner did. Burton just thought of him as a companion, someone to watch the Sentinel's back. What I do with Jim is so much more than that. I coach him, train him, coax him to use his senses, thinking up new ways to use them, even shielding him from his senses when they got to be too much. Lee Bracket called me a Guide.

Incacha called me a Shaman.

Incacha was a Shaman.

Shamans are born.

Oh, usually, in tribal societies, there are a whole slew of training and initiation rites you go through in order to become accepted by the tribe as a Shaman, but you are born with the abilities to be one. You either have the gift or you don't.

Incacha "passed the way of the Shaman" to me.

But that's a formality.

I was born a Shaman.

Just like Jim was born a Sentinel.

Jim is a Sentinel. I am his Shaman.

A Sentinel will always be a Sentinel -- if he chooses to be.

A Shaman will always be a Shaman -- if he so chooses.

...

"Before I formed thee in thy mother's belly I knew thee,
and before thou camest forth out of the womb, I sanctified thee,
and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations."

...

Jim.

Jim.

Don't be mad at me, don't turn away from me, don't leave me.

You will always be a Sentinel, I will always be your Guide.

Before you came forth from the womb, I knew you,
and a guradian to the tribe I appointed you.

Before I was formed in my mother's belly, you knew me,
my place is at your side always.

Jim.

Jim.

I will always be your Shaman, you will always be my Protector.

Jim. Jim. Jim.

...Jim?