Author's Notes: This is my first fan fic after a loong break, so please be kind. Feedback is appreciated.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment purposes and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author. Not to be archived without permission of the author(s).
‘"Ohhhhhhhhhhh Bertha!" Herbert gasped.
"Ohhhhhhh Herbert!" Bertha cried as Herbert kissed her passionately.’
Daniel wiped his eyes on the back of his sleeve. He had never read anything so emotionally touching, except maybe parts of The Epic of Gilgamesh. Sniffling, he got up to pour himself another cup of coffee. His worn romance novel, Love Me, Take Me, Give Me A Kissy, was laying on the bed of the room he had taken over as his own. He spent most of his time at the SGC anyway, he figured he may as well bring his favorite possessions.
For Daniel, his "favorite possessions" were his coffeepot, pictures of his friends that he had known before he’d even heard of the Stargate, and his books. Most of the books he had were the geek-type: The Joy of Anthropology, Rare Discoveries in Archaeology, etc.
But then there were others.
It hadn’t been his fault, honestly. When Daniel was on Abydos, most of his belongings had been gotten rid of. After Sha’re had been taken from him, and he came back to Earth, he’d had to go shopping to try to recover his basic needs. And one of his first needs was books. Lots of books. He bought box after box of the geek-type books, and everything would have been fine... Except for the small little fact that in one of the boxes, underneath the geek books, there were fifteen paperback romance novels.
Everyone knows that Daniel loves cultures. And Daniel wanted to get reacquainted with Earth culture. In other words, he read one of the novels. The result: he got addicted. Now his idea of relaxing was reading Love On Big Rock Candy Mountain, Passion in Polynesia, or any other of his romance collection.
Daniel hurried back to his reading. He was anxious to see whether Bertha and Herbert would remarry, even though they’d divorced each other four times already. They were such a perfect couple. *sniff*
‘"Bertha, I cannot live without you!" Herbert whispered into Bertha’s long red curls. "Please, marry me again! Fifth time’s a charm!"’
Daniel was so engrossed in what Bertha would say that he didn’t hear Jack come in until it was too late.
"What on Earth is that?!" Jack asked after catching a glimpse of two scantily clad people on the cover. Daniel shoved the book under his pillow.
"What’s what?" Daniel questioned nervously.
"The book under your pillow. I know what I saw, and I saw you reading one of those romance book thingies that turn every love into some fairy tale."
"No, no, no, it was a novel of Cleopatra and-"
But Jack was already gone so he didn’t hear Daniel’s statement. He was running down the corridor to Samantha Carter’s office. "SAM!" he shouted, bursting in, "Guess who reads romance novels!"
Sam looked at him with a mix of bewilderment and curiosity. "What?" she asked.
"Not what, who! Daniel Jackson!"
It just so happened that as he was yelling all of this, General Hammond was scuttling by Sam’s door eating potato chips to keep up his figure. Upon hearing this heinous news, the general started to have a heart attack, and Dr. Fraiser had to come and carry him on her shoulders to the infirmary to save him. Unfortunately, the general passed away, his potato chips still clutched in his hands. His last words were, "Tell Daniel to stop reading romance novels before it’s too late."
Teal’c, who is not really in this story at all, but who was actually there the whole time, went to go give this message to Daniel.
"Daniel Jackson." Teal’c stated, when he stepped into Daniel’s room. Daniel looked up guiltily from his book.
"Yes, Teal’c?"
"An unfortunate incident has occurred. General Hammond has ceased to live. He sent me with a warning. He implored me to tell you to refrain from reading the novels of romance before it is too late."
Daniel peered at Teal’c, wondering why any sane general would want him to leave this wonderful world of Bertha and Herbert’s love. This was more real than the Stargate Program itself. Just because these two star-crossed lovers had been divorced four times already didn’t mean that they weren’t meant for each other.
"Please step away from your book," Teal’c stated. Daniel did not. "I do not wish to harm you, Daniel Jackson. Please step away."
"Why?"
Teal’c whipped out his zat gun and held it at him. Daniel did what any person would do in that situation. He hid under the bed and whimpered like the lost little puppy that he is.
*one shot*
"Teal’c!! Don’t do that!! You’ll ruin my book!"
*two shots*
"Come on Teal’c, why are you doing this to it?"
*three shots*
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
One year later, Daniel Jackson and SG-1 were at Daniel’s apartment to celebrate the anniversary of the day that Teal’c freed Daniel from his romance novel addiction. Of course, they were also mourning the anniversary of General Hammond’s death, but that was more of a party too.
Late that night, after the team had gone home, Daniel put on his puppy pajamas and went into his bedroom. He got on his knees and pulled out a box of fourteen old paperback books.