DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
‘To Sha’re.’
Daniel seemed like he was doing pretty well at the Christmas party on base. I know from experience that holidays are the worst times to feel alone after you’ve lost someone. Daniel and Sha’re didn’t have Christmas memories to share, but still it’s a time when you miss what could have been as much as what was…
I’d caught him looking kind of bleary-eyed a few times, but managed to talk a smile out of him each time. He smiled at Teal’c’s gift…some sort of cartouche-rock thing. He hugged Carter and promised he’d keep the cell phone with him at all times. He actually laughed at the purple heart lapel pin that Janet gave him, vowing not to earn another any time soon…blew that one in record time. He gave me a hug for the CD’s I got him, a bunch of stuff I know he likes and doesn’t already have. Then, he’d cut out early…assuring me he was fine, just tired.
So what is this gift? And where did he think he was going with it?
Well, he’s too far out of it to be giving me answers to those questions anytime soon so I think dinner…really late dinner…is next on my agenda. I’m going to have to stay awake anyway to keep an eye on Daniel. I open up a can of stew, putting it next to the fire to heat up. The other pot of water is hot, so I make use of the coffee crystals. I realize I’m going to need some bowls and spoons and head back to the kitchen, trying to keep a tally in my head of what I’m using, I’ll leave money to pay for it.
As I head back to the main room, I see Daniel’s sitting up…good sign. He stands unsteadily and heads for the door…not so good sign…
I run to intercept him. "Whoa, Daniel. Where do you think you’re going?"
He doesn’t hear me, still heading for the door. I physically block his way, and he tries to push past me.
"Daniel!"
"I have to go…."
Alright, he’s scaring me now. "Where, Daniel? Where do you have to go?"
He just keeps straining for the door…so I reach out and lightly slap his cheek, seems like I’m doing that a lot tonight.. He drops as if I’d pole-axed him and I carry him back to the couch. As I pull the blankets back over him, I see the gift in his hand…he’s clutching it so tightly I can’t pry it loose.
Dammit, I think I know where he was trying to go.
And I know he can’t ever go there again.
Just like I can’t go back to…
Tucking the blankets around Daniel, I reclaim my coffee and sit on the opposite couch watching him sleep. I guess he was putting up a better front at the Christmas party than I thought. He’s still trying to find Sha’re…if only in concussion-induced dreams.
I still look for Charlie. A child’s laugh, the sound of a baseball hitting the glove…Part of me still turns to look…
Four years and I still look…
Daniel stirs a little, his hand tightening around the gift. I wonder just how long he’s been holding on to it…
That first Christmas after he came back, he holed up in his apartment. I didn’t know him that well then, but I went by with some beer and tried to get him to talk. He got a little dopey and went to bed, but he never did talk about Sha’re. Last Christmas…after he’d seen her on Abydos, he was really depressed, so we took him out for dinner. He got more than a little dopey and I wound up taking him home with me. I heard him dreaming that night, it didn’t take much to figure out what he was dreaming about…I just listened enough to hear him if he called, but he never did.
Daniel just never did talk much about Sha’re. I can understand that. Every time you say the name, it’s like picking at a scab…a sharp reminder of the original injury that makes you relive the pain. After a while, you learn to leave it alone.
It was hard enough for him when she was just missing, in a way I think it was worse knowing she was still out there…but so far out of his reach…
God, what a mess.
How am I supposed to help him now?
Daniel’s the best kind of friend, giving support, encouragement and shoulders to all who need them…but he sucks at taking his own medicine. What I do know is that Daniel won’t take any kind of pity, he’s like me that way.
I smell the stew now and my stomach agrees that the party food is long gone. I dish up a bowl and put the pot a little further from the fire so it’ll stay warm.
Daniel whispers something in his sleep, clutching the gift to his chest like it’s the most precious thing in the world to him. I guess it is…now.
So here we are just closing on midnight, in less than an hour Christmas will be over for another year. Tomorrow we’ll go back to life in the real world, the holiday feelings will fade for another year. If we’re lucky and work real hard at it, we could go back to pretending what we’ve lost doesn’t really tear our hearts out on a daily basis.
Right.
Daniel opens his eyes, looking around the room for a minute then at me with the first real clarity I’ve seen since he left the Christmas party. He seems to realize what’s in his hand and closes his eyes in that way he’s got of closing off his feelings.
Not this time, Danny.
"Where were you going, Daniel?"
He shakes his head, clearly not wanting to talk about it. I just keep looking at him; he’s not the only one who can do the puppy dog eyes. He half smiles, the O’Neill charm strikes again.
"I bought this the first Christmas after I came back…" He’s looking at the little gold box. "Kind of stupid really. It’s a…pendant. A pyramid with three moons."
"The symbol for Abydos?"
He nods. "Home. Her home."
He almost loses it then, pulling back on his emotions with a visibly painful effort. I close my eyes, the raw grief on his face is hard for me to see, then I kick myself for closing off on him.
He’s doing enough of that for both of us.
"I know it was stupid to keep hoping…"
I shake my head. "No, Daniel. You don’t give up. That’s part of who you are…one of the best parts."
I guess I don’t tell him stuff like that enough, I still get these shocked little looks from him when I give him compliments.
He smiles again, looking back at the box in his hand.
"She’s really gone now, Jack." He has to swallow hard before continuing. "I couldn’t figure out what to do with this. Then tonight at the party…I just knew…"
He stops long enough to worry me and I lean forward to see if he’s okay. There’s a tear glittering in the firelight, but he doesn’t seem to notice. I reach a hand out and squeeze his arm. He knows I understand, but sometimes I think he feels strange expressing his grief with me. I noticed it early on…the cut off sentences, the looking away so I wouldn’t notice his heart was shredding apart. But I always did.
He blinks hard, trying to fight down this tide, too…
"Daniel?"
He looks up at me, losing the fight long enough for another tear to fall. I know I should back off, his eyes are begging me to let it go…to let him bury himself back under that mountain of pain and the polite fantasy that he’s coping quite well, thank you just the same, Jack.
Uh uh.
That might have worked a few hours ago. Not anymore. I squeeze his arm tighter and he closes his eyes again, forcing out another pair of tears.
"When… it happened, " he whispers, his voice tight and hesitant, " I needed something *here*…to remind me…"
I can understand that…too well…
Sha’re’s grave is on Abydos, that was Daniel’s decision. The only thing he could do, really. Kasuf needed to take his daughter home, Daniel *wanted* her to go home. Once again, Daniel put others’ needs ahead of his own…
"I bought a tree, " Daniel smiles a little. " Planted it at the National Park. At the top of the first crest, that place where you took me camping just after… "
Just after he’d seen her on Abydos, just after he’d delivered her baby, just after Armin died so conveniently in Washington. We’d both needed some peace and quiet then….
We’d gotten the quiet at least…
"So that’s where you were heading tonight?"
Daniel nods, "I wanted to take this to the tree." He laughs softly, not a happy sound. "Stupid right?"
I can’t let that one pass. "Daniel, nothing’s stupid if it makes you feel better about...things. It’s okay to need a connection…"
He gives me a long look, eyes so full they glow in the firelight. Finally he looks away, nodding. "A connection. It’s hard to remember her already, Jack. A few hours in three years…I’m already forgetting…"
I shake my head at that. "You might forget the little stuff, Daniel…that’s normal. But the real stuff, the stuff that matters…you won’t forget that."
He swipes a hand across his face, shaking his head. "Maybe I should…"
"Don’t ever wish that, Daniel." The words are out long before my brain processes them….like always. "Don’t ever wish you didn’t have the good."
He closes his eyes nodding, "I’m sorry, Jack…"
There it is. I wondered how long it would take. "Sorry for what, Daniel?"
He throws his hand up, "I don’t know….dragging you out here…into my life…"
"What’s it going to take to get through to you, Daniel?" There goes my mouth bypassing my brain again. "You didn’t ‘drag’ me anywhere I didn’t want to go…And for your information, that was a choice I made a long time ago. I thought we were friends here. This is what friends do. Don’t ever apologize for leaning on that friendship when you need to."
He’s doing a passable guppy imitation, mouth opening and closing while he’s trying to figure out what to say. Finally, he just ducks his head, a couple more tears tracking their way down his cheeks. "Okay, Jack."
"We get that head of yours checked out and I’ll take you up there."
"Okay, Jack."
Seeing as he’s being so cooperative I decide to push my luck a little. "And you never…and I do mean never…hesitate to talk to me about Sha’re."
He smiles again, that little half-assed thing that tells me he gets the point. Finally. "Okay, Jack."
I can’t resist one more. "And while we’re at it…Has anybody mentioned to you that it isn’t particularly safe to pick up hitch-hikers anymore? Don’t be doing that."
I get a whole smile for that one. "Okay, Jack."
I pull the blanket up around his shoulders, brushing a hand across his forehead out of habit, and maybe something else.
"Now get some sleep."
He closes his eyes fast enough, but no more tears find their way through. "Okay, Jack."
He gets quiet so fast I figure he’s already asleep and go back to my cold stew.
"Jack?"
Guess I was wrong.
"Yeah, Danny?"
"Merry Christmas."
I automatically look at my watch. Yeah, it’s still Christmas…for about three more minutes. I can’t help thinking it hasn’t been a bad Christmas at all this year. Better than last year…for both of us….and next year will be even better.
I’ll do everything I can to make sure of it.
"Merry Christmas, Daniel."
Part 1 Part 2