Author's Notes: The events in this story coincide with the same time frame covered in "Intelude - Daniel". Jack's side of the story this time. As with the previous excerpt - what Jack thinks he knows is not necessarily what actually is.
DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
Sunrise. An alien sun in an alien sky on an alien world that by all rights should have just - stopped turning. Okay, so maybe that was a slightly melodramatic aspiration. But it certainly would have been appropriate.
It wouldn't be long and he'd have to face turning around and facing everybody else. He'd had the whole stinking night to think about what he was going to do next. Well, here it was, morning, and that meant some sort of action was about to be required of him and he still didn't have a stinking clue what he was going to do.
Running around screaming might be emotionally satisfying but it would confuse the hell out of Sam and Teal'c. Jack really preferred to have to explain himself to as few people as possible.
Sooo, maybe he should just - get on with it like it was any other day. He was reasonably certain that Daniel wouldn't shoot him - he'd had plenty of opportunity already if that was where his head was at - and he probably wouldn't do anything else that again - would tend to confuse the other kids thereby requiring lengthy and embarrassing explanations. While it was true that Daniel had a fondness for talking at excruciating lengths about just about anything under the sun, that loquaciousness did not extend to his least favorite subject. Daniel Jackson.
Daniel would rather have root canal on every tooth in his head than talk about himself. Jack knew about that one; having had, on more than one occasion, to suffer through the agonies and the mental exertions of numerous 'extraction' operations. In order to attempt to get some sort of clue from Doctor Reticent about what the hell it was that was going on with him - this time or that. Whatever personal insights he had ever managed to force Daniel to part with - the man had made him pay dearly for in effort and frustration.
All of which simply meant it was highly unlikely Daniel was going to make a scene.
So Jack heaved a large sigh, squared his shoulders, put on his best 'I'm-Jack-O'Neill-what's-it-to-you' face and turned around, preparing to make like your basic busy bee. To be met by Sam and Teal'c already up and getting on with it, and Daniel, earnestly zipping about engaged in his own insect imitation. They buzzed around each other for a bit, then Daniel buzzed off, Sam in tow, back down to the site so he could finish up and they could book already.
Jack watched him walk away, huge knots of dismay churning in his stomach. He had just watched Daniel put on a performance that would have put Olivier to shame, and while he had been expecting some sort of behaviour along those lines he was quite taken aback to see unmistakably proof of just how good Daniel had gotten at - dissembling.
Jack knew what had happened between them last night and consequently how deeply upset Daniel must be, and even he could barely tell there was anything wrong with the man. Virtually nothing amiss could be detected from anything he had said or done. Daniel was acting just like he should be acting, right down to the cheery, eager beaver attitude, the bounce in his step and the toss-away, good-humoured jibe at Teal'c as he and Sam walked away. Flawless. Jesus.
Only, Jack knew differently. There had been something missing. Something only he would notice. Simply because he was the only one looking for it.
Daniel had been around him and talked to him as if last night had never been. Only it had. For during the entire whatever-the-hell-it-was that they had just done, Daniel had never once - looked at him. Not directly, not in the eye. And he hadn't come any closer to him than a couple of feet. Daniel had been right there in front of him, walking, talking, acting, looking like Daniel, and yet, for all of his friend that was actually with him, he might as well have been halfway across the galaxy.
Well isn't this special? Look at you, Daniel. Not quite the wide-eyed wonder boy who put himself in your hands a couple of years ago any more. All grown up now and getting just as - bent - as all of the rest of us. Well done, Jack. Nice piece of work. Some contribution to the improvement of the human condition. The tarnishing of one of it's finest representatives. Stand up and be proud of a job well done, as it spits in your eye and hates you.
//What happened, Danny? How did we get here? //
How indeed. There was practically nothing left of that callow, awkward, slightly disheveled dipwad who had wandered into the their midst for the first time looking not so much the brilliant scholar that he was as a school kid who had lost his way and needed directions to his next class. The 'I don't really belong here and don't have a clue what is going on' aura he exuded from practically every pore was immediately dispelled within the first five minutes of arrival after he grabbed a piece of chalk and cleaned the clocks of a passel of snooty, 'respected' eggheads who had already had two years to work on a single line of hieroglyphics and still hadn't gotten it right.
Jack had pretty much written him off at first sight, but that one single display of ability had earned Daniel Jackson a second look. And a little notation in Jack's book. Keep your eye on this one.
Two weeks later Jack had been looking at the man again, seeing the awe and barely disguised longing on his face as he stared raptly at the event horizon of the newly-activated wonder that he had named, and Jack O'Neill found himself seriously wondering, for the first time, just who the hell Daniel Jackson really was.
A lot more than he was letting on, that was for sure.
And here Jack was, almost three years later, still trying to plumb the depths of that particular mystery. Mind you, it looked as if it was shaping up to be a lifetime study.
Daniel had gone through the gate with them for the first time with two marks to the good in Jack's little mental character ledger, however very quickly, he had taken three giant steps back.
Jack had been quite irate when he had discovered the sneaky geek had lied to him, however, given the reason why he had done it; Jack had been almost prepared to be secretly impressed with his nerve. Then Kalwasky had gone off and flattened him, and once again, Jack had occasion to severely revise his opinion of the good Doctor.
He could at least have stood up - had SOME shred of dignity. Not just - laid there, blinking like some near-sighted owl - just waiting to get stomped. Jack found he couldn't even look at him as he pulled Kawalsky off. He wasn't worth the effort.
So much for his faint hopes that the guy was actually going to be of some use. Nothing but dead weight. Useless. Just what he needed. Scratch the name and rip the page right out of the book.
Hah! Just went to show you that when it came to some people, Jack O'Neill was not nearly as good a judge of character as he imagined. Far from being 'useless' - if not for Daniel, right now he probably would be either dead - or digging up Naquada with his fingernails along side the Abydonians, who would be still enslaved by Ra. It wouldn't have mattered whether on not the gate could be reopened, because there wouldn't have been an Earth to go back to. Ra would have sent the bomb back through the gate with the Naquada chaser, and no one would have stopped him. Because no one would have even known it was going to happen.
When had Jack O'Neill stopped thinking of Daniel Jackson as 'useless'? Aside from the fact that Daniel had saved his life, and gotten himself snuffed for his pains, probably about thirty seconds after Jack had seen him, apparently risen from the dead, walking toward him with a staff weapon aimed at his head and a look on his face that would have done the Grim Reaper proud. Jack had been thinking that he shouldn't be wasting his last moments contemplating the irony of, after everything he had been through, being taken out by Dr Dweeb when out of the blue - the dweeb turned into Rambo, the Abydos kids were handing out the hardware, and they were all off to the races. Way to go, Doctor Jackson.
That first mission to Abydos had been Daniel's show all the way. Much as Jack hated to admit it to himself then, and later, he was the one who was the dead weight through most of it. While he had been wrapped up in feeling sorry for himself Daniel had been making friends and finding answers, telling the Abydonians the truth about themselves and the beings who enslaved them, making inspiring speech for crying out loud, inciting a whole people to rise up and take arms against their oppressors. That last bit had been rather crucial, for if the folks from Abydos hadn't shown up literally in the nick of time, pulling all of their butts out of the fire when they came pouring over the hill, and making Ra turn tail and run - well, we were basically back to the dead or Naquada miner scenario. Pick one.
Not too bad for a four-eyed wimp geek loser. By the time Jack roused himself enough to finally play the action adventure hero at the end, largely due to a rather pointed speech that Daniel had made to him that helped him see certain things a little differently - Daniel had already done most of the work. They'd won; blown up the bad guy, saved the day, got to go home heroes but Jack had no doubt in his mind to whom the Abydonians owed the most gratitude.
Hell, he'd even gotten the girl.
He'd resented Daniel for a long time because of - all of that. Probably a large reason why he had been so 'conflicted' when confronted with him again. Why he had tended to ride him so much at the beginning.
You see, Daniel KNEW. He was the only one left now, who knew ALL of it. He'd been there, all the way, through that whole Abydos business, and had seen Jack when he was - not exactly at his best. Jack resented him for knowing, and resented him as a constant reminder of a time in his life that he was not exactly proud of. And then one day he had realized something that had made him stop feeling resentful.
Daniel didn't care what he had done. He knew all about it, and for some reason - liked him anyway. Go figure. It made no difference to him - Jack was the only one holding onto it and holding it against both of them. Was a pretty stupid thing to do, really.
So, he stopped. Well, mostly, anyway. There still were times when Jack felt like a fifth wheel next to Daniel, and more than a mental midget. Not that he thought he was a stupid man, it's just that Daniel was so much - smarter. In some ways. In others, he didn't have a clue. But Daniel knew that - and it didn't seem to bug him. No, rather than beating himself up about it, Daniel tried to do something about it. Tried to learn what he didn't know. Tried to learn it from him. Tried to look to him - for a lot of things.
That's what amazed Jack the most when he realized - much to his wonderment, that Daniel actually - looked up to him. Respected him. Hell - admired him, even. In spite of the fact that he had expended a lot of time and energy in the beginning trying to make Daniel look even more awkward and out of place than he already was. Wasn't that just a kick in the head? But that - was Daniel.
Daniel might have been the 'Savior of Abydos' (and wouldn't he be pissed off if he heard Jack call him THAT), but it was a different story on the other side of the gate. Thrown into the world of the SGC he was on Jack's turf, and hadn't he just let him know it. Practically every opportunity that had come his way. Until he had finally gotten it through his thick skull that Daniel wasn't trying to challenge him or make him look bad - he was trying to learn from him. Daniel was looking to him - him - to help him make his way in this strange new world he found himself in. His efforts were, at times, not so successful, and they had had more than one difference of opinion over 'divergent world views'. Which tended to upset Daniel a lot more than they probably should have. This used to puzzle Jack until he realized - as bizarre as it sounded, one of the main reasons why Daniel would get so worked up when he had to go head to head with Jack over a matter of conscience or fail to fulfill an expectation because of a similar moral dilemma it was because he was deeply divided. Between needing to adhere to the moral high road and yet at the same time dearly, desperately - wanting to please. Wanting to please - him.
The high road usually won.
So, Jack had two choices. He could continue to be a jerk and rub Daniel's nose in his own inexperience, or he could be the friend and mentor that Daniel honestly wanted him to be. He'd gone for the second option. It had been going -okay. Until last night.
Dammit! He hadn't done anything wrong! He'd seen a friend in trouble, and he'd tried to help. And what was more - he'd damned well do it again! Despite what Daniel believed, if he tried carrying this thing around inside him much longer he was going to hurt himself bad - if he hadn't done so already. Daniel needed to get this thing out in the open and that was all Jack had been trying to help him do. Help him deal with a problem he couldn't deal with by himself. Jack knew full well that Daniel seemed to think that he could handle it on his own, but he was wrong.
Having had occasion in the past to lay a few of his own personal demons to rest, with the assistance of the man who was denying him the chance to repay him in kind, Jack knew a little bit of what he was talking about.
However, it now seemed they both had an even bigger problem. But, wait a minute, what were we really talking here? Daniel was mad at him right now, okay, but this was - Daniel, for crying out loud! The original font of the milk of human kindness. If he could find a way to forgive Teal'c for helping to turn his wife into a Goa'uld, how long could he possibly stay mad at him - for - caring?
Apparently, possibly, maybe - not long at all. Jack opted for playing it cool when Daniel bopped up to his side and stayed there during the walk back to the gate. Still wasn't looking at him or talking to him, but he was there, as if this was just another day and another walk back. So far, so good.
Jack's hopes that all was becoming better were high right up until he reached over and grabbed Daniel's arm to stop him from starting his circus career as the Amazing Flying Jackson. For just a second, Jack could have sworn Daniel was just about to turn to him, like he had so many times before, and smile sheepishly at him as he said "Thanks Jack." That would have been all Jack would have needed from Daniel to let him know that they were okay.
Instead, Daniel had kept his eyes straight ahead, yanked his arm away and stalked off on well beyond him. Like he thought Jack was pond scum or something.
You're welcome.
// Fine. That's the way you want it. Don't have to hit me over the head or anything. Next time, I'll just let you - fall. //
Jack nursed his bruised feelings until they hit the infirmary. While cooling his heels and waiting his turn he had a more leisurely opportunity to review the situation again, and observe Daniel in particular.
Faced with the manifest evidence of the intensity of Daniel's distress, Jack's wounded pride melted away, to be replaced with a bit of distress of his own. His friend was hurting - bad. And there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it. Because there was no way Daniel would let him.
Look at him, standing there, so stiff and strung out he was almost shaking. Jack looked away and tucked his own arms tightly around himself, as if by doing what Daniel would not allow himself to do, he could do SOMETHING for him..
There were people who lived mostly in their heads and were more comfortable with mental stimulation over the world of the more tangible and physical. And then there were the sensualists, who were extremely 'physically' oriented, and who furthermore derived much of their information about the world and their general sense of well being from their senses and tactile stimulation in general. Hands-on people, if you will. Needed to do it, needed to have it done to them or they got weird and scrambled up inside.
Jack knew he was definitely a 'hands-on' on type. Oh, big news flash there! He'd spent a number of years sealed off from the rest of the world and had suffered the consequences, but he was better now. Daniel was in much worse shape than he had ever been.
Daniel was one of those truly unfortunate hands-on people who had been largely denied, all through life, what he had most needed. Contact. Honest to god, flesh to flesh, skin to skin, a lot, and often. Which had screwed him up but good. Daniel was so giving of himself to anyone who needed a hand - he should have gone through life surrounded by people who hugged his brains out on a regular basis. But he never got that kind of regular human contact until he met Sha'uri, and one short year wasn't enough time to undo the neglect of a lifetime.
Jack knew 'skin hunger' when he saw it. He also knew that it would be practically impossible for Daniel to do anything about it on his own. Not only did he not know what was wrong; he didn't have the first clue what to do about it.
So, Jack had literally - lent a hand. Was no big deal, didn't cost him anything to reach out and give Daniel a pat on the back from time to time. Truth was, he rather enjoyed it. Almost as much as he enjoyed watching Daniel enjoying it.
The little bit here and there had helped. Daniel was better, but he still had a tendency to 'revert' in intense emotional situations. When he was the most deeply distressed Daniel lost his ability to be able to reach out to anyone. He'd pull away, go internal, find a corner, pull himself into a ball or wrap his arms around himself. When Daniel started hugging himself he was sending out a major Mayday he wasn't even aware of. But he'd never overtly ask for help. Didn't know how. You had to cross the gap and make the first move. Make him take the physical comfort or reassurance he needed. It was never easy. Nothing with Daniel ever was.
Even though his arms were at his sides Daniel was sending out distress signals that made Jack's hands ache in a sympathetic response. But - there was nothing he could do. Daniel needed a hand in the worst kind of way, but the way he was right now; he'd rather die than take it. Especially from him.
Jack spent most of the briefing not listening to what was being said, not caring what was being said, and trying very hard not to look at the man who was mostly saying it. What he was mainly trying to do was restrain himself from leaping over the table, grabbing Daniel and yelling at him, "Can we cut the crap and make up already because I can't stand seeing you like this!"
Jack was mad. Mad at Daniel for being so damned stubborn, mad at the situation, damned ticked off at the fact that his favorite restaurant had closed its doors last week without asking him how he felt about it. Mostly though, he was mad at himself. For not being able to figure out how to fix it. Right here and now.
Daniel was starting to get to his feet. The movement drew Jack's eyes to him automatically. He hadn't planned for it to happen, but it did anyway. He didn't know what was on his face, but he knew what he was feeling inside and before he had a chance to mellow it down a little Daniel was looking at him, and mad suddenly turned into something quite different.
Daniel was looking at him like he was some kind of crawling slug he couldn't get away from fast enough. He was almost dropping all his stuff; he was in such a hurry. Well, I guess we can put the notion of forgiveness up on the shelf. Guess he really meant what he said last night after all.
This hurt worse than a staff blast to the heart. Well he'd certainly learned a valuable lesson from all of this. The very next time a lost and lonely archaeologist crossed his path looking for a helping hand he'd just - pass right on by.
Sure ya will, Jack. Sure ya will.
Jack just sat there and let him go. Not that he could do anything else. He'd catch up with him a little later. He knew exactly where he was going.
After giving him a little time to get there, Jack wearily got to his feet and followed.
He quietly and carefully sat himself down against the door of the store room, thinking wryly to himself that even though Daniel was unquestionably brilliant in some regards, when it came to some other things he was, endearingly dense. Like for instance how he imagined he would be able to hide in a top secret military installation whose corridors were lousy with surveillance cameras which rendered tapes of everyone's comings and goings that could be used to good advantage by determined individuals with time on their hands.
Daniel's secret spot hadn't been a secret for very long. Jack had made it his business to find out where he disappeared to from time to time; telling himself it was part of his job - to know as much as he could about his subordinates. And most of the time, he actually believed it.
Now he sat here, head in his hands, listening to the sound of Daniel's low, sad voice coming from the other side of the door and wondered why he had come. If it wasn't to kick the door in and try to talk some sense into him - or pound it into him - whatever worked - why was he here?
Because he had to do - something. Even if that something was to make himself face what he had done.
All the amount of caring in the world availed him nothing. Daniel had made it more than plain that he wanted, nor would he accept anything from him. Daniel - hated him. Not too many ways around that one. Still, Jack couldn't stand the thought of him being completely alone, especially at a time like this. Even though there was a door between them, even though Daniel wouldn't know he was there, still, he would be here just the same.
Jack sat there, making himself listen, until the sound of Daniel's voice gradually subsided, trailed away and finally stopped. It seemed to take forever, but after a sufficiently long interval, during which no sounds issued from the storeroom, Jack was sure that Daniel had finally fallen asleep. Then and only then did he pull himself to his feet and slowly walk away, to try and find a few hours of oblivion himself.