DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
Daniel sat up and looked at me. The overpowering emotions had faded for the moment; we really needed to talk. Silence hung in the air, along with the sweet night fragrances and enchanting birdsong. What had just happened? A shared birthday gift, as Daniel had said, or simply a half-drunk roll in the grass with a team mate? A *married* team mate! Oh, Sam, you picked one hell of a time, and person, to let your sexual energy loose on! It was too easy to blame it on the fruit, no, it was something else…
I simply didn't know where to begin. From the beginning? It would be of little use to try to explain to him what growing up was like for me. From as early as I could remember, I sensed my Dad was the most important person in our home, and I knew that he loved me - but also that he'd have been much happier had I been a boy. As I grew it was always, Sam, never, Samantha, and my brother was the constant focus of his attention. Now, as I look back, I guess that is part of what propelled me along in my studies - my career. I was forever proving to someone that gender didn't matter, whether I was conscious of it or not. My struggle to excel in that male dominated world made it next to impossible for me to develop, let alone appreciate, my femininity. Oh, I had many friends who were boys, good friends, close friends, but things never seemed to blossom into romance. I wouldn't let them. As I went out on my own into the world, there were a few times when I thought I might let down my guard, invite a man into my life and explore that whole buried part of me. They ended in disaster, mostly because I put up too many roadblocks, well… and again my chosen career called for far too much travel and work time.
"Sam? Sam are you OK?" I could hear Daniel softly calling to me.
"Sure! Just lost in thought" I began, but Daniel interrupted.
"I bet I know what about. You probably think I'm some kind of jerk, to offer you what amounts to a love drug and allow what just happened to happen! Damn it Jackson, you've managed to screw things up again!" he chastised himself.
"I am a grown woman, Daniel. You shouldn't blame yourself for something I chose to do. Why do you think you screwed up? What's on your mind?" I asked him. Wondering if he'd ever let me inside, into that deep part of him where kept his true feelings hidden. Guess the time was right, because he let loose in a way I'd never seen before and not since. Things I don't think he'd told to anyone else came pouring out of him, an unstoppable flood.
Daniel tossed his T-shirt to me along with my pants, and then he put on his pants, stood up and began to pace - deliberately, back and forth. I absently pulled his shirt slowly over my head, enjoying the smell of it. It was comforting, and to someone unaccustomed to it, it cuddled me. He took a deep breath and released it all, "You know all about my living in foster homes. They took care of all my basic needs, but there wasn't any real love or attachment. I began to think I didn't need any of that, that I was somehow stronger - maybe better than people who were weak and needed others. I believed it was perfectly fine to exist in academia, doing research, occupying myself with goings on of lost worlds and civilizations."
He paused in his soliloquy for a moment, walked to my side and crouched down to touch my face, "I always respected and admired women, especially those with a strong spirit and intelligence!"
He laughed, "I believed that if women ran the world, there'd be an end to the insanity of war. Guess that's part of the reason why I struggled with thinking about you being a soldier."
He rose again, stuffed his hands in his pockets, and without looking for input from me, continued "I didn't waste time dating as a boy, and as I became a man, there was definitely no time for emotional attachments - always too much work to be done. Deep down I knew it was really because, I knew…" he paused again, almost unable to continue, "I knew no one could really love me…" He coughed, clearing his throat. His voice became very soft now as if the weight of the words to follow didn't allow him to speak any louder. I came closer to hear, I saw the dampness forming in his eyes and I sensed what subject was next. I felt uncomfortable, unable to look at him as he struggled to find just the right thing to say.
"Sha're did… love me I mean. At least she told me as much. In her world, men were all important and the women were there to serve and please. Man talk about being clueless! I didn't even know we were married! Because of her, I realized someone could love me, and appreciate me - not just for the things I knew, but for who I was. In fact, I knew so little of their culture, I felt so inept at times, but I always felt loved." He stopped for a short while, summoning the courage to reveal his torment, and resumed "In that very short year, my feelings of love were deepening, from an 'I can't believe someone really loves me' amazement to the beginnings of true love. But a year is such a short time."
He stopped to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand, and sniffed a little. "Things weren't perfect, we did fight, especially over… oh, Sam, you don't want to hear all this!"
He looked at me, his eyes dark blue, filling with tears - he searched my face so intently, I couldn't answer - I felt a lump in my throat as I thought of how he had kept all of this inside for so long - I simply motioned for him to keep talking. "We especially fought over having children. Sha're wanted a baby so badly, but I kept saying no, it was never a good time, things were too uncertain. We shared a marriage bed very infrequently, and each time I insisted we use the herbs to prevent pregnancy. Lovemaking had turned into a battle over having a child. Once she even shared her frustration with Skaara. He came to me filled with anger, wanting to know if his sister wasn't good enough for me. I tried to explain what I myself didn't understand. He and I were never close after that time. Sha're would cry sometimes, question my love for her. Deep down I knew I wouldn't be staying there, somehow I knew I'd leave Abydos, and I didn't want my child to be…"
"You believed you wouldn't be a good father. You're wrong, you know! There is so much about you that would make a great father! As things turned out, it's best you convinced her to wait." I tried to encourage him, but it wasn't helping.
"Do you realize that was the only thing I ever denied Sha're? Ever? Guess who gave her what she wanted most? Apophis was able to give it to her… Apophis!" He spit out the name with disgust and anger. Then he turned to me, and stared that penetrating stare of his "And you know what I did next? I took her baby away from her! How do you think she feels about that? She never asked me to take the child, see, she knew I didn't want one." He sat down and buried his face in his hands, allowing himself to sob, quietly. I rubbed his shoulders soothingly; I had nothing to tell him.
"Do you think Ammonet tells Sha're she was wrong to trust me? That I hate her? God, who knows! I keep replaying the scene in my head when Ammonet looked at me and didn't tell Apophis I was hiding there. Why did she do that?" He was silent for a long time, looking more dejected. "Know what 's really funny? I've decided I shouldn't call myself 'married' anymore. According to the US military, I'm not legally married, and according to Abydan law… well… do you realize Apophis has as much right to call Sha're his wife as I do? Maybe more so! He has lived longer with her than I did, and she had his child".
The word 'child' hung in the air for some time before he resumed, "Sha're's last words to me were to forgive her… imagine that, forgive HER… that was before I took her child away. As she was giving birth how I wished it was our baby, I told her I would always love her, and that nothing - no one - could take that away. Sam, I'm afraid that I'm letting those feelings of love slip away, that I can't hold onto them any longer. What the hell am I supposed to do? With my life now, and my hopes for a future?" He sank into a quiet brooding silence once again; one I did not know how to open up.
Busying myself, I built a fire once again, and coaxed Daniel to lay with his head on my lap. I absently stroked his hair and watched as he reluctantly allowed himself to relax. I began to think about what I expected from Daniel, what the rest of the team expected. I knew Jack had vowed to find Sha're one day, and bring her back, but now after all that had happened, it seemed less and less likely. I realized then and there that I no longer expected Daniel to go on waiting. He needed to get on with his life. I thought of friends of mine, good friends, who lost loved ones, during Vietnam, 'MIA' - missing… It took some time, but they eventually had to get on with their lives, or be destroyed by the memories and emptiness. "Do you want to know what I feel about you? About tonight?" I asked him, not certain I knew the answers to the questions, even as I formed them.
He closed his eyes, wincing. I suppose he wasn't sure if he'd want to hear what I had to say, but he responded "Yes, I'd like to know what you're feeling, especially about tonight."
"I remember how excited I was to finally meet you, that first time on Abydos. You were the genius who had made the Stargate project a reality. Oh, and you didn't disappoint me! You already had new theories about thousands of stargate addresses and how to get them to work. I was on a science high that day."
"Well, like I said, people tend to appreciate me for what I know, if they appreciate me at all," came Daniel's gloomy response.
"I soon found there was a lot more to… uhmm… appreciate. I had heard the stories of how you had faced Ra and challenged him, then I saw for myself how you stood up to Apophis, offered yourself as a host and then stood in the thick of staff weapon fire helping the captives on Chulak escape through the Gate! I wondered if you'd ever seen a gun fired before, much less been shot at, yet you continued on doing what had to be done. You weren't afraid. I knew then, on our first mission, that I could depend on you - no matter what - to be there for the team, and for me."
Daniel didn't take praise very well, and was visibly embarrassed, trying to change the subject he began "I always knew you could handle yourself in the field! That whole Hathor thing - you're a great soldier, Sam. Know what else you're great at? Taking the time to show me that you're concerned about me, that you care. I can't even count all the times… you tried to reach me through my Hathor-haze, when I felt so alone - out of control of myself; you also tried to talk sense into me when we returned home from Shyla's world - and you didn't lose faith in me, ever, that means so much."
Now it was my turn to change the subject, "What's the deal about you always being around when I'm in a, well, intimate situation?"
"What?" Daniel sat up.
"Oh, like the time I really felt something for Nareem, and you happened upon our kiss? Or when I was puzzling through the feelings of love I had for Martouf, because of Jolinar and who shows up? You were also the first to notice when one of the lieutenants had a crush on me! What was up with all that?" I teased him.
"At first, I felt like you were, I don't know, a best friend," Daniel began to explain.
I winced now, all too familiar with the 'best friend' kind of relationship.
Daniel didn't seem to notice, "We were together so much, under such intense situations. Close bonds form quickly. Then, I sensed it might be something more. It bothered me to see you with another man, and until tonight, I didn't know why. You know, you truly are beautiful, witty, competent, fun - when you let yourself relax that is…" Daniel leaned over, took my hand in his, and lightly kissed it. "You still haven't told me what you feel about tonight."
I left my hand in his, entwining our fingers, enjoying the warmth and strength of his grasp. "I feel sorry for you, Daniel, that you can't sort out your feelings about Sha're, and I can't begin to tell you how to feel. As for me? I wanted to be with you because of all the wonderful things you are - open, honest, giving. I had nothing I had to prove to you, and you asked no more from me than I was willing to give. For the first time, I felt safe, in this place - with you - safe enough to let my emotions surface, and boy did they ever!"
Daniel dropped my hand, stood up and resumed pacing, and I instinctively knew why. I had gone from telling him I thought he was smart, brave and dependable to openly admitting I wanted to be with him, and had feelings for him. "Sam… I… if something is really beginning between us… I'm afraid it got off to a really bad start… I'm sorry… there was just something about this place, being here alone, together, not having to think of anyone or anything else, until tomorrow…"
"What happens tomorrow?" I asked him directly.
"Damned if I know!" was his certain reply.
He reached for me now, and pulled me to him. It was no longer a drunken animal desire that moved us. We had taken a step back and now began anew. His eyes asked me for a kiss, mine expressed only encouragement. Our lips met in what felt like a first kiss… was it the first of many or the farewell to a night of passion? I didn't need to know, it didn't matter. For now we were there for each other and that was more than enough to last, until tomorrow.
Part 1 Part 2