I'm going to make a few assumptions here. I'm going to assume that you're above the age of majority in your locale, and I'm going to assume that you've had sex. If you haven't had sex, odds are you're anxious about it anyway, and there is no reason to forego writing slash simply because you've never had sex. If you've never had sex, that's cool. In fact, that's all the more reason to read this. But let's assume that you have.

To be frank, I've had a lot of sex in my time. (What, you think I sit around updating this web site all day?) I've had good, raunchy sex that the neighbors could hear. I've have so-so sex on time that might have been better spent watching One Life to Live. I've had sex with long-term boyfriends where we knew each other's bodies and hot spots. I've had first-time sex, where you're getting to know each other's kinks and squicks. I've had one-time sex with people I didn't give a shit about. I've had regular sex with people I loved dearly. In all the sex I've had, kinky or not kinky, hot or merely lukewarm, strange or indifferent, I have never screamed. Ever. I've had some good orgasms, mind you, but there was never any screaming.

When you have sex, what happens to you when you come? Do you scream and holler? No? Then why do you put it in your fiction?

I know we're writing fantasy here. Making sure the condom and lube are present is about as technical as some people get. Some people get overly technical, weaving bodily functions and biology class terms into their sex scenes. But the one aspect of sex that seems to be interpreted the most inaccurately is the orgasm. The big "O." The be all and end all.

The next time you come, you might want to think about paying attention. Your body shudders. You might let out a string of nonsense syllables, i.e. "vowel movements." And hell, maybe you do shout something that resembles "yeah" or "God" or "Mama." But the orgasm reaction, I've found, is directly linked to the type of sexual experience.

If you have the kind of sex where the headboard bangs against the wall enough to make the pictures shake, a loud outburst is probably in order. If it's slow, easy, romantic sex, you're more likely to clutch the back of your partner and pant, perhaps with a single outburst at the end. And not every orgasm is Earth shattering. Some are merely a sigh followed by an "Oh, that was nice."

Heavy orgasm descriptions are to slash what the words "free" and "win" and "quality" are to the real world. You hear them so often that they become meaningless, to the point where they are either virtually invisible or you don't believe them anyway. Having someone say the token orgasm things, like "Oh God --insert name here--" or a scream, has gotten to the point where it essentially tells me nothing. My favorite sex scenes lately have been the ones where the reactions are understated - shivers, drops of sweat, the odd pant. Freely using exclamation points will not make the orgasm more believable or attractive to the reader.

And another thing: I don't care if you tell me I'm generalizing, or that I'm wrong, or that I don't know what I'm talking about. Guys, on the whole, do not make as much noise during sex as girls. I know you're shaking your head, but in my experience, this is true. Of course it depends on the person. Some guys will groan and moan so much that you wonder what's up with them. Some girls will lay silently on their backs and not even peep. But if all of your male characters are shouting and thrashing around, keeping up a veritable conversation while they're getting laid, some adjustments may be in order.

In short, I've found that the best orgasm scenes are the ones that use subtle, delicious details. So next time you have sex, pay attention. And if you don't want to have sex, send your boyfriend over here and I'll do him.

Now if you'll excuse me, I feel a sudden urge to go find a warm body.

- Jane