by Ratfink
It is what it is
It is misfortune
It is nothing but pain
It is without future
It is what it is
It is ridicules
It is dangerous
It is impossible
It is what it is
(Erich Fried)
"Yeah, I mean we were able to bring down the bad guys, and we only shot a few
of
the good guys."
Vic came back into his living room where his two partners were sprawled over
chair and sofa and trying to fight back sleep. He knew exactly how they felt;
he
was tired as hell and just waiting for them to leave, so that he could fall
into
his bed.
That didn't stop him from smirking though when he heard Mac's statement.
"What do you mean 'we'?" he asked."I thought you were the only one shooting
innocent bystanders!?"
Mac only snorted at Vic's remark. He was too tired to think of a good
comeback,
so, he allowed Vic to have the last word for today. He also enjoyed the
bantering between them, which was something he would never tell Vic, but it
was
one of the reasons why he tried to tease Vic more often now that he had
discovered that his partner actually possessed a kind of humor, which was
something he truly appreciated.
Vic, still expecting a smartass remark from Mac, threw himself on the couch
beside him and started slowly to relax. Resting his feet on the table in
front
of him, he felt the adrenaline slowly leaving his body and tiredness taking
over.
Li Ann, on the other hand, was done relaxing and reluctantly rose from her
comfortable resting place to find her way home to her bed and the long
awaited
sleep. She had crashed a million times on this couch here, and not only
there,
but right now, she didn't think it was such a good idea to stay overnight.
She
didn't wanted to give Victor hope where there was none.
"I'm leaving", she stated simply and got her jacket. She was almost out the
door
when Vic's voice calling Mac in a kind of desperation made her turn around,
to
the funniest display she had ever seen.
Mac, who was obviously as tired as they all were, was indeed not as smart as
she
was. Instead of going home when sleep was about to take over, he had closed
his
eyes for a few seconds and was now sleeping like a baby, his lips slightly
parted, looking extremely peaceful, in Victor's lap, where he cuddled up to
Vic's thigh. Vic was just about to shake him awake when Li Ann's voice
stopped
him
"Let him sleep; we all need this now. He can crash here, can't he ?"
Counting on Victor to do the nice thing, she closed the door behind her,
laughing quietly to herself when she thought about Mac's face in the morning
when she would tell him what she had seen. And she would tell him, to dampen
his
arrogance towards Vic.
Vic, on the other hand, thought about what Li Ann had said, and he knew she
was
right. Mac hadn't even stirred when Vic had called his name; he was sleeping
like a rock and kicking someone out in the cold like this was just not Vic's
cup
of tea.
Okay Mac, he thought to himself, I at least am going to sleep
comfortably
as well. But when he tried carefully to leave the couch to go in his
bedroom,
Mac slung his arm around his waist and brought him down to lay on the couch.
The
couch, that was most definitely too small for two people to sleep on it. When
he
was just about cursing Li Ann and his own good heart, sleep crept up on him
as
quietly and determinedly as it had crept upon Mac, and he fell soundly
asleep,
curling himself around Mac into a comfortable sleeping position.
The first thing Mac saw when he swam slowly to consciousness was Victor's
face
about one inch away from his. His nose peeked up from in between one of the
cushions and his own shirt. That was the moment Mac really started to wonder
where he was and why the hell he was there with Victor, of all the people.
His
first attempt to try to find out more was stopped by the fact that he
couldn't
bring himself to wake up fully. He just wanted to rest like this a little
while
longer, and not only because he was still tired. Victor was stretched out
halfway on top of him, his head resting in the crook of his arm, and somehow
this was startlingly comforting. Mac knew that he had feelings for Vic, but
he
hadn't allowed himself to think about it. This was like one of his wet dreams
come true. So he reacted the only way he could, with using his free hand
running
his free hand through Vic's soft hair. It was a little bit longer than it had
been when they first met, and he liked that; it gave his face a smoothness
that
hadn't been there before. Just when Mac was losing himself in the moment, Vic
started to stir in his sleep. But instead of turning away, he was snuggling
closer to the warmth beside him. While Mac was still trying to figure out
where
the hell this was leading, Vic came slowly awake, still holding tight to Mac.
The thing that surprised Vic the most was that he had slept through the
entire
night without having a nightmare, and the second thing that hit him was that
there was someone beside him on his couch. Before he could figure out what
exactly was going on here, Mac decided that now would be a good moment to say
good morning. It was the least he could do, he thought, since he was
the
guest here, and Vic obviously had no clue what was going on.
"Morning, sleepyhead!"
"Mac? .....Uh.......Now I remember, thanks for falling asleep on my couch, by
the way!"
"Hey, I was tired; what could I have done?"
Vic didn't really need an answer to this anyway; he was just realizing how
they
both had spent the night, that he was still resting in Mac's embrace, and
that
neither of them seemed to object to this in any way. And instead of reacting
in
any logical way, they simply snuggled closer, and Mac kissed Vic's forehead
in a
rather intimate manner. Well, as intimate as a peck on the forehead could be
anyway. Mac felt as if he had left his body and was only seeing from far away
what was happening. All he wanted to do was yell at himself to stop doing
this.
Any moment now, Vic will realize that it was me who just kissed him, and
then
I will be pretty much a dead man. But Vic didn't seem to react at all. He
just
stayed where he was, taking Mac's hand into his and looking at it, as if
their
hands entwined was the most extraordinary thing he had ever seen.
Vic was totally aware of what was about to happen. He had felt the sexual
tension between them for quite some time now, and he knew that this would
happen
sooner or later, so he thought that wasting any time now was just not an
option,
and he really surprised Mac by turning around and covering Mac's lips with
his
own. And that was the moment Mac returned to his body, taking over, still in
shock, but willing to take this as far as he could.
He opened his lips slightly, inviting Vic's invading tongue in, feeling the
smooth interior of Vic's mouth, and melting into this feeling of utter
happiness. He hadn't felt like this for such a long time that it didn't take
long for him to have a reaction to this intimate caress, and when Victor
turned
around a little bit more to have better access, he felt Vic's hardness
against
his thigh. Sighing happily, he was finally sure that Vic wanted him as much
as
he wanted him.
He writhed under him as his hands moved over his back and ass. He braced
himself
and kept kissing him, taking his mouth with long tongue thrusts, sliding to
nibble on his lips, then sucking his tongue. Vic enjoyed listening to the
helpless sounds Mac started to make. His fingers dug into his partner's ass,
urging him to move harder and faster, and so he did. Mac pulled up his knees
and
buried his face in Vic's neck. He ground against him, and suddenly Mac's back
arched, his pelvis slammed up against Vic, he shuddered and groaned loudly.
Vic
put a hand behind the younger man's head to prevent it from hitting the wall
when he collapsed. Mac stared up at the ceiling with blind eyes.
"I needed to be touched so badly," he said finally. "So damned badly, for so
damned long."
Vic kissed his lips gently and murmured to him. When Mac returned back on
earth
again, he started stripping Vic down, his eyes gleaming, then lay back on the
couch as he kissed his way down to nuzzle Vic's balls. He was tender and
gentle,
and soon Vic wiggled on the couch to get comfortable and stroked Mac's back
with
his fingertips. Vic had had experiences with other men before, but the way
Mac
gave head was incredible. Slow. Intense. Passionate. He kept his eyes open,
meeting Vic's eyes, exploring his body, and occasionally releasing his cock
so
he could nuzzle it and admire it. He was feasting and he let Vic know it. Vic
wanted it to go on forever, but Mac's talented mouth made that impossible.
Finally, Vic couldn't fight it anymore, and he tapped Mac. He smiled, then
took
Vic's cock in deep and sucked it hard. It startled Vic and shoved him over
the
edge. He erupted, cumming much harder than he'd expected to. Mac swallowed
the
cream with gentle moans. Finally, he put his head down on Vic's thigh, his
softening cock still held lightly in his mouth. His eyes drifted closed, and
he
released a deep sigh. Reluctantly he let go of Vic and moved up into the
older
man's embrace and kissed him softly on the lips before closing his eyes again
and passing out.
The next time Mac opened his eyes, he felt satiated and more happy than in a
long time. Victor was draped across his chest, and he was sleeping soundly.
Now
that was something he never ever expected to get to see. Not that he hadn't
hoped for it. He had wanted Victor for quite some time now, but he didn't
know
how this had happened and why they both had dropped their defenses so easily
without really having a reason to do so. Vic stirred slowly, and Mac felt him
awaken. He seemed a bit disoriented, but then again, so did Mac. When Vic
looked
around and took the scene in, his eyes darkened, and he seemed to be shocked
and
ashamed. Before Mac could say anything, he was out of his bed and out of his
bedroom. Mac's heart sank, and he suddenly felt very ill.
Okay, Mac, you are going to have to talk to him about this. He wants you,
otherwise this would have never happened, and whatever problem he has, there
has
to be a way out of it.
He wanted Victor, hell, he even loved him, and having come so close to what
he
wanted, he would not give up so easily. So he stormed out of the bedroom,
stopping cold when he saw Vic sitting on his couch, crying. The tears just
ran
down his cheeks, and he didn't make a sound. When he heard Mac enter the
room,
he looked up, and their eyes locked for one brief moment before Vic's eyes
cast
downwards again. This one moment, though, was enough for Mac to realize that
this was not some little problem that could be easily solved. It looked as if
Vic wanted to die, or worse, as if he already felt dead. This raw pain that
radiated from Victor couldn't stay unanswered, Mac didn't think one second
about
what he was doing. He just saw Vic and his pain, so he did the only thing he
could do; he walked towards the couch and wrapped his arms around the still
crying man.
The older man turned immediately into the embrace and held on to Mac, as if
he
were the last anchor in a stormy sea. Mac started muttering loving nonsense,
his
voice deep and soothing, not knowing what was going on here. They had spent
one
night together. For him it had been incredible. When he had woken up, he had
felt loved and secure, but for Victor this seemed to be right out of a
nightmare, though he still held on to Mac. After a few minutes that seemed
like
an eternity to both men, Vic regained control and loosened his hold on Mac.
Mac
allowed him to move out of the embrace, but his arm rested on his partner's
shoulder, not willing to let go so soon, not without an explanation anyway.
For
the first time since their love making, Vic looked into Mac's eyes again, but
the heat and love had vanished. Instead there seemed to be nothing but a soul
wrecking sadness. When he started talking, his voice was small, and he spoke
as
if in pain.
"I'm sorry, Mac, this should never have happened, I can't do this..."he
trailed
off, waving his hands around as if to show whatever he couldn't allow to
happen.
Mac just looked at him, shell shocked. He felt like crying himself now, and
that
was a part of his personality he didn't even know very well. He grabbed Vic's
hand with his own, looking pleadingly into his eyes.
"Vic, you can't be serious. I don't know what happened this morning, but I
loved
every minute of it, and so did you. I am not asking for a long term
commitment
here, and I won't push you into something you don't want, but you can't just
walk away from this. Not like this."
"I am not walking away, Mac, I just can't take this any further. If I were
someone else, if I had met you some other time, I would drag you into a long
term relationship myself. This is nothing I would fear, but the way things
are,
I can't. I can't just love you and forget where I am coming from. There are a
lot of things about me you don't know, there are people in my life, important
people in my life, that I can't forget, and as long as it is how it is, I
want
you....as a friend. A partner, someone I can trust, but that's all. I'm
really
sorry I allowed this to happen, but sometimes I forget. I didn't think ahead,
I
ignored what you would feel, and that's something I normally would never do.
Please believe me, I will never do it again, but this is not supposed to
happen,
and it will not."
With these last sentences Vic's voice got stronger, and there was absolutely
no
doubt in his voice. His face was guarded, and no emotion whatsoever shone
through. Mac felt betrayed all of a sudden. He had seen these eyes shine at
him,
he had seen the smile after they kissed, and the pain a few moments before,
and
anything was better than this. He reached out for Vic, but he turned away,
standing up, looking down at Mac, who was still trying to figure out what the
hell was going on here.
"I know we can't be friends anymore after I treated you like this, and
believe
me, I wish we could. I will ask the Director to place me with someone else; I
think it will be easier for all of us, and I hope you will understand one
day.”
"Understand what? You're telling me nothing here. You're giving me hints; you
decide for me, for us, and you think I will just sit here and listen to this
crap? I want a reason from you, what are you hiding? You got a secret lover
hidden somewhere in your closet? I can't believe...."
He was just about to tell him to get lost, Vic knew it, that's why this had
been
so wrong. Whatever decision he made, it would always cost him everything he
had,
and in this case it was Mac's friendship. It had always been like this;
everything he touched turned into bad luck for himself and, what was even
worse,
for all the people around him. This single moment, while he waited for Mac to
say goodbye, he let down his guard, just for a second, but long enough for
Mac
to see, and to realize, that he was hurting Victor more than Victor could
ever
hurt him, and he was doing it intentionally, something his partner would
never
do, so he finished his sentence the only right way.
".....I can't believe you really think I would throw away our friendship like
this. I like you, I trust you, and we work well together, so if that's all
you
want, we'll work our way around the dangerous parts, and we'll stay friends,
but I expect you to tell me one day what the hell is bothering you so much,
and
then we'll think about it again....Okay?"
Vic looked up again, and that was definitely relief in his eyes.
"Thank you, Mac, and one day I will tell you."
"Good, I better leave now, before the Director shows up here, trying to catch
us
in the act. There's a briefing tomorrow at 8, so I'll see you then."
With those brave words he turned around to go to the bedroom and get his
clothes. He reached the bed and sat down heavily before his weak knees could
give away, trying to stay calm. He had meant what he had said. He liked
Victor,
he respected him, and he would not throw away this friendship. But he was
hurt;
he had opened his heart to the man he loved, and there was no love there for
him, maybe lust, maybe just desperation on Vic's part, but not love, that was
for sure. But from Vic's behavior he also saw that Vic cherished their
friendship, just like he did, and he would have to work from there. Because
one
thing he was sure of, Vic had agreed that one day they would discuss it, and
they had better come to an understanding about this because he would get Vic,
one way or the other, even if he had to seduce him all over again. But until
then, it was for the best if he agreed to Vic's little plan. Better than
losing
him altogether.
Vic wasn't doing much better; the moment Mac had left the room, all his
strength
seemed to vanish, and he almost fell on the couch. He couldn't believe this
had
happened. He had feared this since the first time he realized that he was
falling for Mac, but he had hoped that he would never act on his feelings.
Now,
knowing what he had allowed to happen, he felt more ashamed than he had ever
imagined. A secret lover, well not so far from the truth, he thought. Not so
far
at all. But he loved Mac, and he didn't wanted to lose him. Even if that
meant
to tiptoe around him all the time, making sure this would never happen again,
it
was better than going on without him.
When Mac was done dressing, he came out of the bedroom, finding Vic in his
own
thoughts, and he simply said goodbye, with a little peck on the cheek, making
sure Vic would not forget that Mac wanted him but also not stepping the line
Vic
had drawn. Vic looked a little irritated but not mad, no, not mad at all. He
was
out the door before Vic was able to say something, and that was maybe for the
best.
The next morning Mac was on his way to the agency for the briefing, and he
was
in a really good mood. He had had the time to think about what had happened,
and
there were a few things Vic had said that he didn't understand at the moment
but
that could only mean one thing. Vic had said, that he would normally drag him
into a relationship, and he had said he loved him. At least that's what Mac
had
heard, and so he was convinced, that everything would turn out fine. Maybe he
would have to wait a little while for Vic to come around, but he would sooner
or
later, and then they would have a few more mornings like this, and nights,
and
evenings, and it was a really bad idea to think about this on his way to
work.
Don't want anyone to notice this, now don't you.
He couldn't know that right at that moment Vic's past started to wake and
affect
his future.
It is senseless
Says reason
Says love
Says the mind
Says fear
Says knowledge
Says love
Says pride
Says caution
Says experience
Says love
kay, you guys, I think we can call this a job well done!"
