Dear Kamil,

I've have to say all of the above, or whatever makes him squirm the most. Personally I don't like fingers, they just aren't big enough. I want the real thing.. But in my experience with other guys, some like a gentle fingering, others like two or three applied with enthusiasm.

First contact should be gentle, as sudden sharp pressure on the gland can cause either immediate orgasm or sharp pain, depending on the circumstances.

Dear Moonshadow,

Actually there's a secret handshake. I could tell you what it is, but then I'd have to kill you...

No, really, the hackneyed saw about "It takes one to know one" has a lot of truth to it. Once you've faced the truth about yourself and looked that deep into your own psyche, you can recognize the signs of this journey on other's faces. Something in the eyes, the tone of voice, subliminal body language, word choice, intonations, posture, all these things and more add up to set your "gaydar" blaring. Some of these things are cultural (there's a great website called "Eurotrash or Queer?") and based on our learned behaviors. Does he stand a little closer to you than straight men are supposed to? Hold eye contact a fraction of a second too long? Is he standing in a gay bar and playing with your nipples? (Though actually even this last isn't always 100% accurate)

There's also the "cruise". That elusive look in his eyes that says "Hi there. I want to tear your clothes off and fuck you till your head explodes..."

Basically, there is no *one* thing to look for (unless he's wearing pink triangle jewelry or a pin that says "100% Queer"). But once you know *how* to look, the signals are there.

Sorry I can't be more specific, but it isn't an exact science. It's more a gestalt thing.

Dear Valentin,

Well, you wouldn't wear *black* socks with construction boots, would you?

Construction boots are kinda the Marilyn-Monroe-high-heeled-come-fuck-me pumps of gay porn. They're one of those things that make a guy even more of a guy, like 501's or a big bank account. Besides, the costuming requirements of your average gay porn flick are pretty minimal, so a lot of the guys just wear their own clothes.

Secondly, it wouldn't be an actual sex act that I'd try to eliminate. It would be the unfortunate tendency of so many writers to ascribe female emotional reactions to male characters. Men and women have very different coping strategies, and ways of expressing their feelings. All humans have similar feelings, we just use different mechanisms to deal with them (which in guys often means not dealing with them at all).

Dear Marmoset,

1. I don't know as I'd call it "loss", but you definitely feel emptier. Especially if it's been a good pounding.

2. Tricky question. As I've mentioned earlier, sex isn't always about emotion for men. Sometimes it's just fullfilling a physical craving. Though even then there's the emotional fullfillment of being wanted, of physical contact and of pleasure given and received.

If we're talking about sex inside an emotional relationship (like J/B), then yes, I suppose the catcher would get an emotional charge out of it. But it's not just the specific act of having a cock inside you, it's the whole shebang. Guys either like getting fucked and consider it a normal part of their sexual arsenal, or they don't like it and don't do it.

3. Ok, we're gettind into some deep issues here. Some people take sex more seriously than others, attaching a greater or lesser degree of importance to the act depending on their own phycholgical make-up. So for guys who are prone to this, and with the right partner, I can certainly see them feeling "complete" in this way. It also depends on how much importance they place on that particular act. For some of us it's something special, for others it's not. So if he places a high premium on getting fucked he might feel less connected or complete when only doing something else. But I don't think this is real common. Most guys are more casual about sex, especially gay men.

4. Semen production varies from man to man, and from time to time in each guy. Some guys cum gushers that hit the ceiling, others spurt out a few little dribbles. If he hasn't gotten off in a while, or the orgasm is especially intense, there'll be more and it'll fly further. But since bigger is better, all guys in porn/erotica/slash cum like gysers... Just another piece of literary license.

and 5. As for the flavor, it is slightly affected by outside factors. Cigarette smokers are more bitter, asparagus will impart a *really* nasty odor, and so on. Just like what we eat changes the way we smell (vegetarians sweat different than carnivores), only not as immediate or as strongly. But mostly it's based on each persons unique biochemistry.

Dear Sarah,

That's the new KY (kinda like New Coke, or New Ray). The old stuff used to come in a little tube like Blistex and was petroleum based. For many years it was the lube of choice for gay men, enough to become like Xerox or Kleenex, a brand name that turned into a generic word for the product. Then came HIV and condoms and we couldn't use it anymore... so what does the company do? Come out with a water-based version. And they say we're invisible..

Dear Mick,

For the "First Guy" part of this scenario, I would definitly think the panic reaction would be more likely. Sexuality is such an integral part of the way we picture ourselves, and so much of a man's ego (and we all know about those...) is tied up in his prowess as a "male" (ie: how many women he's had, how virile and studly he is, etc., ad naseum) that this sort of basic alteration is unlikely to happen smoothly.

As for the "Only One" subset, I'd think the fixation on the one particular love object would be proportional to the amount of panic the hero had suffered. The more unflexible his self-image was, the more likely he'd be to alter it only enough to accept this one particular guy.

There's a fair amount of gay fiction with this theme as well, but in all my experience and among all my friends and aquaintences over the years I've only come across one case in real life. A buddy of mine fell in love with his straight best friend, who eventually came to reciprocate the feelings. They lived together as lovers for about 3 years (though the "straight" guy never did get comfortable with people knowing about them and would never take the receptive role in sex) before the relationship expired in one of the most spectacularly vulgar displays of childish recriminations and drama it's ever been my misfortune to witness.

I don't think either of these scenarios are terribly realistic, but we are writing "fiction" after all, so let's chalk this one up to "Willing Suspension of Disbelief" and leave it at that. To write slash at all we have to make some very basic assumptions about the characters, and pick and choose very carefully just what bits of canon we will use and which will be pitched out the nearest window.

Coming out is a traumatic and life-altering event. Even in the 90's, when it's *much* easier for teens to come out than it used to be, there are still people who either don't realize or don't accept their sexuality until their 20's, 30's or 40's. Perhaps they have had experiences and/or desires, but suppressed/repressed/denied their bisexuality/gayness. Then along comes the guy who is so insistantly *THE RIGHT ONE* that it becomes undeniable. The beloved, instead of being "the first and only", is rather a catalyst for the lover to realize/accept/express the feelings he has always had.

I'm going to go out on a limb here (and I'm sure someone will e-mail me the saw to cut it off), and say that the "first/only" scenario as so often seen in slash is more believable between women than men. Guys tend to be more linear about sexuality; you're either Straight or you're Not, and there's *very* little room in between. Among my women friends (and perhaps this is a non-representative sample, but it's all I have to go on) the definition seems more fluid, with lots more room for interpretation.

The mother of a good friend of mine, after two failed marriages, met the woman who has become her "life-partner" at the age of 56. She had never had a lesbian experience before then, and had never really thought she would. Then the "Right One" came into her life... and after a little panic and lots of processing, they moved in together, got married and adopted about a dozen cats.

Either way, we write about our guys out of love and because we want to see them together. There are as many different ways of getting them together as there are writers, and the true test isn't in the "reality" of the scenario, it's in the characterization.

Dear Virginia,

Thanks for the compliments, I hope you didn't hurt yourself... my insurance company would be very displeased with me if I caused a visitor any harm.

Regarding positions, I don't think there's one universally popular favorite. Everyone has their own personal preferences. I tend to like it face down, as I get leg cramps after a while in the missionary position. One of my exs' prefered being bent over a chair, another liked squatting or sitting on it best.

As for blondes, I'm going to tentatively say no, gay men aren't as hung up on them as straight guys are. I think it's because there's this idealized female sex-object (the Bimbo) who has been mostly represented as a blonde (and I'm not even going to get started on how men objectify sex or we'll be here all night). Among gay men the equivalent is "The Twink", who is not necessarily blond, but is young (in the 18-22 range) and slightly built but buffish. Think Backstreet Boys and you'll get a pretty good idea of what Twinks look like. So yes, we have a type that predominates the market, but no, it's not necessarily blonds.

Dear Blarney,

Harlequinitis is rarely fatal, though usually dibilitating and always annoying for the nearest and dearest of those afflicted. Luckily, it is a relatively easy condition to cure. The patient must simply be forced to watch "Love Story" for 48 consecutive hours while listening to Barbara Streisand's version of "People Who Need People". The only unfortunate side-affect of this treatment is a complete and total withdrawal from all reality. Spontaneous combustion has also been known to occur.

Dear Creatch,

This is actually known as "The Princeton Rub" and some guys find it very exciting. You can add a little lube or oil, or just do it dry, either way it can easily lead to orgasm. It's probably more common as a prelude to intercourse than as an end in itself.

Dear Lady Rhian,

Most guys aren't very adventurous and stick with the basics, doggie, missionary, bent-over, while others get athletic and experiment. Some of the more Kama Sutra postions are pretty rare... and I've never done the X or the Crab, but then again I have tried a couple that weren't listed in the book. Everybody has their own personal favorite, the one that feels most comfortable to them or gives the greatest pleasure and as we get older we get less flexible (both physically and metaphorically).

Dear Starwinder,

Soap's fine in a pinch, I've used it on occasion, but I wouldn't suggest using it on a regular basis. The lining of the rectal canal is actually fairly sensitive, and soap can dry and irritate it. It also doesn't stay slippery for long enough (at least not long enough for me....)

Dear Cmshaw,

Dicks have minds of their own. Sometimes they pop up at the worst moment and get hard instantly, other times they just lie there sound asleep no matter how much you want to play. Some guys stay hard for a long time after orgasm, others go soft quite quickly. And if you don't have sex, it eventually goes away. Blue balls are just a myth made up by horny boys to get girls to put out.

Dear Sarah,

Well, since you were so non-specific...

Despite the fact that safe sex educators do the "putting a condom on a bannana with your mouth" demonstration regularly, unless you're one of those people who can tie a knot in a cherry stem with your tongue, it's dammed near impossible to do in real life. Once you get it over the flare of the head, you can roll it the rest of the way down, but getting it to that point takes fingers.

Hmm, postions that are possible with only one arm.. I can't remember, was it cut off above or below the elbow? As either top or bottom he could do face down (either flat or butt-high), bent over a piece of furniture, standing and bent, sideways, sitting, squatting, in a sling, on a bus, with green eggs and ham... The only one that might not work is doggie-style, depending on where the arm ends.

Biting: Personally I love it. A little nibble here, a nip there, chewing on his neck... works for me. Most guys I've been with enjoy it to one degree or another, with some variation in how much pressure they can take. A few don't like it at all, but you can put it in, by all means without worrying that it's unrealistic.

Dear Clare,

Standing up face-to-face doesn't allow for entry. You can do the Princeton Rub (just rubbing them together till you come) or Oxford style (interfemoral or between the thighs), but actual anal entry isn't possible.

Unles you're doing it in a doorway with a gymnast, in which case he can wrap his legs around your waist and support himself by pressing against the doorframe and hanging from the lintel. Then you can pound away to your heart's content, or until his arms get tired.

Dear Wombat,

Nipples are like being ticklish. Some people are *real* sensitive, others might as well be made of marble. They don't really do much for me, despite having one pierced, but I once dated a guy who could be brought to orgasm just from nipple play. So pick a point somewhere along the spectrum, and write away.

Dear Nichole,

You're right, it depends on the top. Some guys are wham-bam-thank-you-Sam, others last hours and hours and hours. If you're lucky enough to find one of the latter, grab him and hold on!

Dear Polya,

It's more a matter of how much you move around afterwards and how "experienced" (read: loose) the bottom is. I tend to sleep like the dead, and having been around the block a few times have developed a fair amount of control over the muscles involved.

If you've got a guy who isn't all that experienced, or is tense, his anal muscles will push the dick out once they're done. After all, that's what those muscles are used to doing. But if you're comfortable with your body you can control them.

Dear Marmoset,

The first time I had anal sex, I had to make him stop a bunch of times because the pressure on my bladder made me think I had to go to the bathroom... you get used to that pretty quick though. Other than that, it really depends on how relaxed and ready for it the bottom is. The less comfortable he is, the more problems can crop up. The worst is just being too tense to allow for entry. The occasional muscle cramp can also put a damper on things.. most guys aren't used to keeping their legs up in the air for very long.

Dear Laura,

Weird? Nah. This position is actually a staple of bi-smut vids. The guy in the middle should be leaning over at least a little bit to make insertion easier, but otherwise it's very doable physically. Go for it.

Dear Mornelith,

Nope, girls don't get a prostate gland, sorry . It's one of those guys-only things (and there's nothing the Supreme Court can do about it, either). As for women enjoying receptive anal sex, I didn't think so until I started building this site. During my research I spoke with a number of women who have experienced it and enjoyed it immensely, including one for whom it is the activity preferred above all others. Since there is no prostate gland to be stimulated in women, the sensation must be different, but also pleasurable.

Dear Little Alex,

Depends on how nervous the bottom is. My first time didn't hurt at all, it just gave me the feeling I had to take a leak (pressure on the bladder..). If he's unwilling, yeah, it could be *killer*, but if he's relaxed and comfortable, and most important, *not afraid*, it can be quite enjoyable.

Dear Moonpuppy,

Yep. Normally it just sort of hangs there, not really doing anything. As you get aroused and blood starts to fill it up, it gets heavier, more sensative, and you become more aware of it. If you're naked, you can feel it begin to swing, and hang lower. If you're dressed, your pants get tighter, more confining. Once it's fully hard, it holds itself up, but while it's getting there it definately feels heavier.

Dear Julad,

Ah, yes. We have these in the States as well. Certain area of public parks, stretches of isolated beaches, some rest stops on highways. Generically they don't really have a name, though you can find them listed in Damron's Gay Guide as "Cruising Areas". Each one usually has it's own name, like the area of the woods on Fire Island called "The Meat Rack", as in a place where the guys are displayed like cuts of beef to be picked off the shelf. San Francisco has Collingwood Park, near Castro, which is affectionately referred to as the "Fruit Loop" (a kind of kid's breakfast cereal in the States), New York's Central Park has "The Rambles", Provincetown has "The Dunes" and "The Reeds", while LA's Giffith Park is famous all by itself. If the site is a public restroom, it's called a "tearoom" (same as the British).

If you're going to use one in a story, it's probably best to give some description of the site and make up a name for it.

I'd say at least 90% of gay men know about baths and beats, and probably a majority of the "cool" population, but most 'danes wouldn't know them from a hole in the ground (which is kind of the point).

For the movement issue, if J&B were doing it missionary style, with Jim on top, he could conceivable pick Blair up and carry him somewhere else without too much trouble (except for a real possibility of severe back strain...). If they start out doggie style, or standing-up-bent-over (with either one as top) some movement, walking around, etc., isn't too hard. For major changes in location though, like from bedroom to kitchen floor, normally you'd disengage, move, and start again.

Now we're getting into some fairly sweeping issues, and keep in mind that the views expressed here are my opinions based on my experiences, and other people may have very different views.

Men are funny creatures. We're taught to be stinting in our praise, and reticent about our emotions. We certainly feel, and think, strongly about emotional issues, but we aren't really taught the tools to express them well. Most men (and do remember that this is a broad generalization, and there are certainly exceptions) won't openly express their feelings in flowery phrases (though occasionally quoting Shakespeare can win you *BIG* points). It's more in the little things, in how we say it. We're also expert in saying two things at the same time, sometimes expressing two completely opposite ideas in the same words.

Gay men are somewhat more forthcoming about their feelings, but not that much. We attain a certain amount of emotional freedom when we come out, but still carry a lot of the cultural baggage we were saddled with as boys.

When writing guys discussing emotional issues, or giving compliments, subtle is best.

Dear Maygra,

It isn't really a scientific measuring system, not like baking a cake. The usual method is to just sort of glop it on till it feels slippery, then shove it in. The bottom will definitely let you know if more is needed...

Actually, it depends on a lot of things, how big the top is, how experienced/eager the bottom is, if the condom is lubricated, if it's the first time or sloppy seconds, the brand of lube (if you're even using a commercial brand and not something grabbed out of the 'fridge), how slippery you like it, how concerned you are about the state of your sheets (many lubes will stain) and so on.

On average though, I'd say between a teaspoon and a tablespoonful will do the job.

For your second question, yes. I can see doing this (*very* gently...) while making out, but I think it's more a fic convention than a reality. I can't recall ever doing it myself, or having it done to me.

More realistic is for a guy to rub himself on whatever body part is available to him, kinda like a dog. Knees, thighs, elbows, it doesn't really matter. What matters is the pumping motion and the feel of something, anything rubbing up against your dick.

Dear Derora,

Guys can be just as revoltingly squishy with endearments as gals. Baby, honey, snookums, shmoopy, lambchop, wriggle-bunny, boo-boy and huggy-bear are just a few of the things I've been called by one guy or another. Any couple will come up with stupid pet-names for each other after a while.

True, it's not common to use endearments with a guy you've just picked up. Unless, of course, you don't remember his name.

Gay men do use terms like 'sweetie' and 'honey' more casually than straight guys, especially among themselves, but it's no longer in that stereotypical lispy manner. It's just a verbal shorthand that can mean anything from "Hi" to "Fuck Off", depending on the intonation.

So use whatever names you use with your own honey, or pick something that you think is totally revolting.

Dear Maryl,

1) Usually it's just a minor twinge, not nearly as painful as initial entry, and if done slowly and with care may not hurt at all (especially if you've used lots of lube). It does make a funny popping noise though...

And 2) Depends on the position. Missionary style isn't good for this kind of cuddle, leg cramps are a real mood killer. Face down or sideways is much more likely. The feel of man just laying on top of you, filling you up and breathing gently in your ear as you both calm down... I've actually fallen asleep in this position, and woken up the next morning with him still inside.

Dear K'kathy,

Depends on the guy. Some men loose their erections while getting fucked, some go to a sort of half-mast, others stay rock hard the whole time.

Erections are funny things. Some guys go up and down throughout an encounter, others get rock hard immediately and stay that way till (or even after) they come, others think ahead and spend their rent money on Viagra.

They are very in tune with our emotional/mental state, though they also have minds of their own. It's not uncommon for a guy to be totally turned on and into his partner, while his cock stays asleep. Or the opposite, where he's not into it at all, but his "little head" is wide awake and reading for action.

Dear Fern,

It can. Orgasm purely by anal stimulation is more rare than a regular orgasm, and (in my experience) more intense. It doesn't always include ejaculation, and can happen more than once. I've only experienced it a couple of times, but when I did it was multiple times.. and blew my socks off. More common is the bottom jerking himself or being jerked off while getting fucked.

Some people don't even believe this kind of orgasm is possible, they just haven't found the right top yet.

Dear Montserrat,

First, I've talked about this at length with the few other male slash fans I've encountered, and the consensus seems to be that the good writers get it right, and the poor writers don't. Part of being an author is being able to put yourself into someone else's head. Torch springs instantly to mind. The one trend that most annoys/amazes/disturbs me is that of writing one character as the "wife", or feminizing him. Men and women have differing approaches to relationships (a fact which has been the basis of hundreds of romance novels). Some authors write male characters with female emotional responses.

As for the sex, frankly I don't read slash for the sex. If I want smut, I can walk down the road and rent a vid. I like slash for the insight into the characters, for the chance to see a character I like written so I can identify with them, for the chances slashers will take that TPTB would never dare. Some of the sex scenes I've read have gotten me hot and bothered, but mostly I just skim them. Men tend (this is a broad generalization, with no value judgment attached) to be more visually oriented, wanting to *see* what's going on.

Second, minor tearing can occur even with the most gentle of lovers. It's not unusual to clean up afterwards and find traces of blood. However, like most mucous membranes, the anal tissues heal very quickly and serious injury is rare. Usually no medical or first aid is required. Normally the bottom won't even be aware of it.

That feeling of "soreness" can actually be quite invigorating, although only in the more extreme occasions does it last till the next morning.

And lastly, (this seems to be a very popular question)yes, we're talking about an area of the body considered 'unclean', but cocks and vaginas are also used for similar purposes, but we aren't quite so uptight about them. With minimal hygiene the ass is definitely clean enough for an unprotected finger, dick or even tongue. Condom use is necessary for health issues, not hygienic ones.

Dear Moonshadow

Yes there is. Shit stinks.

Seriously, simply using a condom doesn't eliminate the need for cleanliness. After the act, pulling out a brown stained condom is every bit as unpleasant as without. The aesthetic is to prevent unpleasant smells. It's also important to be clean if you want to get rimmed. Enemas aren't always needed, it depends on how full the bottom is. Some people like the feeling of being emptied out this way and make it a part of their pre-sex preparation ritual.

Dear K'kathy,

1) Mostly true. The inside of a man is all of these, and more. Being inside a guy, looking down at his face as you slide gently in and out of him...his body willingly open to you. It's incredible.

2) Only the outer sphincter. There are muscles inside the rectal canal, for peristalsis, but they aren't strong enough to provide that kind of sensation. If the bottom is experienced and into it, he can squeeze that outer ring muscle to provoke a greater response from the top.

3)See above. Usually it's referred to as "douching" or an "enema".

Dear Angela,

Depends on the guy. An inexperienced or uptight guy might only be able to get fucked once in a night before he gets too sore. Someone with more experience or who is more comfortable could conceivably get fucked many many times. It also depends on the style. One fast hard fuck might be the limit, but slow and gently could be accommodated many times. My personal best is 8 times in one evening (well, it extended into the next day, but you know what I mean) before I had to call it quits.

As for the top; Most men slow down once they're past their teen years. Usually one load a night is the limit. Again, it depends on the guy. I've met men in their 40's who are capable of coming many times in a short period. Testosterone plays a large role in stamina and regeneration time. The more you have, the less time you have to rest between bouts. The most I've ever seen was 6 times in a row, with about five minutes "down" time between (and he was 32! A veritable rabbit). Richie(HL) could probably cum 4 or 5 times in an encounter, but Jim(tS) might only be good for one.

Dear Marmoset,

Like the ubiquitous "simultaneous orgasm", this is a literary convention prevalent not just in slash but throughout gay erotica. The muscles involved in ejaculation aren't the same as those controlling the anal sphincter. When the bottom cums, the top doesn't actually feel it through his dick. Except, of course, for those times which include writhing, flailing and falling off the bed.

Similarly, the bottom being able to feel the "hot flood filling his guts" is also a myth. There are no nerves inside the anal canal, for one thing. For another, semen is actually slightly cooler than body temperature. Even I am guilty of using this, and while it may be poetic and romantic, it's doesn't really happen.

Oh well, they may not be true, but they do make for a better story.